'Is it working?'
'What?'
Meredith tore her eyes away from a couple in glancing adoringly at each other, under the pretence of watching opera, to look at the other woman in the room. Addison was curled up on her leather couch, a thin blanket drawn over her knees. As it turned out Addison did own sweats. Well… as close to sweats as you could get with the work Nike stamped all over them.
'The movie thing? Is it helping?'
Meredith looked down at her watch. 11pm. It was eleven, and they had been watching movies for…a long, long time, and not once in those past hours had she spent a thought on Derek.
'Yeah,' Meredith said, nodding her head contemplatively, 'I think it is…'
'Good,'
Meredith turned back to the fourth movie that they were watching. They had progressed from the 21st century and were gradually making their way into the early nineties. They had just watched Four Weddings And A Funeral, much to Addison's delight, and were now heading towards Flashdance and Dirty Dancing.
Currently, on the screen, played out Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, walking out of a theatre, 'Did you like the opera dear?' an old lady asked.
'Oh, it was so good, I almost peed my pants!'Meredith snorted. No matter how many times she saw Pretty Woman, she still laughed every time. She had loved this movie since college, when she knew she a slut sometimes. She always loved to think that eventually she would find her own…prince to sweep her off her feet, like Vivian did.
'She said, I liked it almost as much as Pirate's of Penzance,'Meredith reached forward to the glossy coffee table, now littered with DVD cases, half empty pizza boxes, and empty bags of microwave popcorn.
It had struck Meredith, hours before, as she stood in front of Addison's pantry, wondering what the hell she was planning on eating all night. At the time, all Meredith could see was tubs of flax seeds and unsalted cashews, cartons bottled spring water, racks of organic fruits, and rows and rows of low fat breakfast shakes.
How was that food even classed as edible? She couldn't see anything that she could ever imagine even eating, let alone whilst curled up in front of the TV.
It was then Addison reached into the very back of the bottom shelf and emerged with a Tupperware container. To Meredith's delight, it was filled with salty chips and candy bars. According to Addison, she had to keep this box hidden, otherwise she'd go insane without it, but Mark would devour it all if he knew.
'You know, you really had me worried,' Meredith announced, scooping up a handful of M&M's, 'I thought I'd be living off organic banana's for the next few weeks,'
Meredith looked at Addison, her face splitting into a smile, laughter lilting her voice. Addison grinned, and began laughing, too.
Before long the two women were just laughing, ignoring the passionate moment unfolding on the screen before them, just happy to be where they were right then.
But, the buzzing on Meredith's cell phone interrupted them. Still smiling, and chuckling, Meredith checked the screen. The reaction was instantaneous. Her eyes creased, her smile faltering and the laughter dying on her lips.
'I…' Meredith stumbled, 'I should…I should get this, I think,'
Dazedly, Meredith staggered out of the room, excusing herself briefly to the other woman.
Addison sighed to herself, as the younger woman. There was only one person who could do that to her, and it was sad that the call had to come now, especially when she had been close to forgetting…
'Look at him,' Jess whispered, 'He's falling to pieces,'
She and her husband were sitting in an empty conference room, completing charts that their interns were too stupid to complete. From their vantage point, they could observe the comings and goings of the stairs, the elevator doors and the nurse's station. Mostly, it was boring, nurses typing, lawyers yelling, families reading. It was a generally quiet place, especially when Meredith wasn't here. That was another thing they had noticed, how subdued the hospital had been, especially in Derek's presence, since her disappearance.
But Derek Shepherd, now there was an interesting subject for their nurses station watch. 24 hours since Meredith had left, and already he was becoming self-destructive. He was currently talking to his patient's family, and failing dismally. He would attempt to pronounce a word that he'd rattle off every other day, and falter and stop. He kept raking his hands over his pale face, and he was growing more annoyed with himself as time went on.
'How does someone just…fall to shit like that? He doesn't know that she won't be back!'
That was Jess's latest hope. Meredith would be coming back. She had told herself that over and over again.
'She won't,' Kyle sighed, shaking his head, 'I know it, you know it. And he? He definitely knows it,'
Jess moaned, rubbing at her eyes, 'Yeah…but…he just…he's cracking without her,'
'I always knew he would,' Kyle said sadly, 'They're…soulmates,'
Jess swivelled in her seat, so she was facing her husband, 'Then why are they getting a divorce?'
Kyle shrugged, 'I don't know…things…change, people change. I'm not saying that love like that ever disappears, but just maybe they grew apart,'
'He neglected her!' Jess cried, snapping her incomplete chart shut, 'He ignored her for so long and you saw it!'
Kyle looked uneasy as his wife continued, 'You were there in the last days! We watched them disappear Kyle and we didn't help!'
'There was nothing…'
'We should have been there for her! She didn't have to leave New York! She's lonely, she's hurt and she's…we could have helped!' she yelled.
The couple fell silent, Jess's eyes falling back down onto the grey chart. The silence was thick, and tension heavy as they both thought about their conversation. Jess looked at her husband's left hand, resting atop the table, the ring she placed on his fingers two years ago, still gleaming tonight.
'That won't happen to us will it?' she whispered fearfully, 'We won't…we won't ever do that?'
'No,' Kyle murmured, grasping her hand, 'We won't. We'll learn from their mistakes, and it won't ever happen,'
He leaned over and kissed her hair tenderly, 'And…you tell me if it ever gets that bad,'
Jess nodded, her eyes still glistening with tears, 'Ok,'
Kyle straightened then, clearing his throat, 'And as for Meredith? She'll be okay. She can handle herself,'
'I know,' Jess sighed, 'I'm just worried. Where would she have gone? Why did she go?'
'Everything happens for a reason babe, and you never know, only time will tell whether or not she can talk to us,'
Was it just her or was this roof very boring? It did nothing to distract her mind when right now that was all she needed. Tomorrow. Her very first day back at Seattle Grace. What would Cristina and Izzie say? Would they be happy that she was back?
And what was she going to do with herself once she settled in? She needed a house, somewhere to stay, and she needed to support herself. It all seemed so terrifying, so far into the future, that Meredith couldn't imagine it. Her house. What would it look like? Would it be big? Or would she just settle for a small one-bedroom apartment close to the hospital. It wasn't like there was anyone else to share the house with…
She was terrified. Thanks to her mother, Meredith had always had a sense of direction. Where she was going, what she was going to be doing in the next minute, next month, next year, and exactly what to expect around that corner.
But since meeting Derek, she had thrown all caution to the wind, and let their infatuation control everything. When that all fell to pieces, she realized without him she didn't have all that much left to stand on.
So here she was, back at the beginning, trying to pick up the pieces. This was good. It was right. Trying to pick up the pieces, and put her life back together. Build a new life. One without Derek. She would begin tomorrow, by destroying every memory they had ever created. All those clothes she brought would have to go. Even they smelt of him. She didn't need any more reminders of the life she once had…
Sighing, Meredith rolled over onto her stomach, switching off the lamp.
Derek crawled up his front stairs at the crack of dawn. The sun was just beginning to peek over the rooftops, and he was so tired. The graveyard shift, as quiet as the hospital may be, still took a lot out of people. Especially people like him. It felt like he had sand rubbing angrily against his eyeballs, and he could barely keep them open, with pure exhaustion. His skin felt clammy, was he sick?
In his heart, he knew it was just another symptom of a too long night and he would be recovered by morning. Yet…the entire time, walking through those halls, all he could think about, was her. The early days of New York, working the late shift together, taking turns to fetch coffee, snatching minutes of precious sleep, spooned up against one another in on call rooms, talking in quiet hushed tones over the dull noise of the sleeping hospital. When he thought about it, some of their best memories were created over those shifts together.
His key clicked as he slid it into the lock, the door falling open heavily.
And within an instant of stepping through the front door, he knew, that something, something, was different.
There was no sound, coming from deeper down the hall, and last time he checked, no other inhabitants.
But still…something…
He cautiously kicked off his leather shoes, letting them rest where they usually did. And that was when his droopy eyes focused. Shoes. There were a simple pair of black ballet flats with velvet bows obstructing his shoes' path. They were delicate, tiny even and very, very feminine. They clearly did not belong to him. He shifted his view upwards, to see a light, olive green jacket, hung carelessly on the rack.
Within seconds every one of his senses sharpened. He was now aware of the smell of freshly brewed coffee. He could feel the cool tiles beneath him seeping through his socks and into his body, causing a shiver to cross him. But still, he could not hear a thing.
But why else…why else would a woman's clothing be in his front hall? He didn't…
He didn't want to let himself believe just yet, but what evidence did he have to contrary? Could she really be coming home? Was her disappearance just a stunt to make him wake up to his mistakes? Was she in fact, sitting in their kitchen, waiting to talk through their marriage?
His body trembled as he walked forward, toward the kitchen. She was here. For him to hold, to touch, to beg for forgiveness. He was going to do it right this time…he was…
His hands shook dangerously, as her face flew to his mind. Her sad eyes, filled with pain, the last time he saw them. He was going to put a smile on her face and…
And then he stopped dead.
Sitting in his kitchen, on one of the bar stools, was none other than his sister Nancy.
'Shit!' he swore.
His heart dropped miles into his stomach. For one, foolish moment he had let himself believe that she was coming back. That she would ever return. How stupid could he get?
'Hi Derek,' Nancy said, her voice sweet, but an edge cutting Derek like a knife, 'How are you?'
'How…how…but…'
He glanced around the kitchen desperately, trying to find how why his sister was here, let alone how the hell she got in.
'How was work?' she said placidly, crossing her ankles. As he did this, his attention was drawn to her slender feet. A pair of strappy heels still encased Nancy's feet, and a sweater was tied easily around her shoulders.
Then who…
'She's definitely gone,' another voice called, as footsteps thudding down the stairs were heard, 'The bed's made on one side. The bathroom's empty. Her clothes are gone,'
'There's no doubt about it!' came another voice, to his left, 'She left her DVD's behind though, What a shame. But she took her books with her,'
'Doesn't surprise me, but yeah, she's left. Her car's gone, and the garage is empty of all her mother's surgical tapes,'
The other three women in the house all emerged from their different spots. Kathleen came from the upstairs, padding barefoot into the kitchen. Lauren appeared from the lounge room's doorway. Sophia came into view from the garage door that led straight in to the kitchen.
They froze as they met with their eldest sister and middle brother in the kitchen.
'Derek!' three voices cried.
And then, as a group, their jaws set and eyes narrowed in a furious glare. Everyone except Nancy was shooting daggers at him.
'Do sit, Derek,' Nancy said sweetly, patting the seat beside her, 'And you too girls,'
His sisters all took seats on the bar stools surrounding the seat he was supposed to sit on.
'But how did you…'
'You know Derek, you really ought to hide your spare key better,' Nancy informed him, dangling a silver key from the tip of her index finger, 'Under the doormat? Honestly? Where did you learn that?'
Derek blushed. He had put that there, when they first moved in, just in case they ever needed it. Now that he thought about it, it was a really stupid place to hide it.
'So?' Nancy continued, her smile like sickly sugar, 'How's Meredith? I thought she'd be here!'
Derek sat down wearily beside his sisters. Was there any point in lying anymore?
Glancing at his sisters, who were all awaiting his response he knew his answer. Yes. There was a point in lying. Protecting his body parts. That was the point.
'You…you just missed her,' he said suspiciously, 'Went to work. Why?'
'Just thought…as my, sister-in-law that we should really talk,'
From beside him, he could see Lauren roll her eyes. Lauren was the baby sister, four years younger than he was. She was passive-aggressive, and would only occasionally hiss out a catty comment when provoked. Despite her girly name, she had always been the tomboy of the family. At the tender age of five, she had informed their mother, that her then-waist length ebony curls, that were her mother's pride and joy, were going to be cut off. Ever since that time, Lauren had always worn her curls cropped, in a short bob that just brushed her chin.
'Cut the shit Nancy!' growled Sophia.
Sophia, two years his senior was the fire of the family. She was by no means passive-aggressive. Sometimes, she was just downright aggressive. He remembered one particular Christmas getting a letter Y from the Scrabble board shoved up his nose. Sophia was the one you really had to get to know to love. Her tough shell was hard to crack at the best of times, and found it very hard to let strangers past that first barrier. That may have been why she was the last member of the Shepherd family that he introduced Meredith too.
'Patience grasshopper,' Nancy scolded, 'I'm getting there,'
'Getting where?' Derek began fearfully. Her dark eyes gleamed dangerously, and he was sent immediately back to his wedding day. That dark, terrifying look that she got that told him, despite her facial expression, that she was not impressed.
'I just wanted to know…why has it been so long since we've seen you and Meredith? I mean…mom's distraught and she hasn't had Meredith drop by for lunch in months. I just thought I'd pop in and ask Meredith to drop by mom's.'
Derek smiled weakly, 'I'll tell her…when she gets home,'
It was then that Nancy's sickly smile dropped.
'Ok, now, cut the shit,' she said coldly, 'You expect me to believe you?'
'Yes! I'm your brother! Why wouldn't I pass the message on!' he protested.
'It's not the message you prick!' Sophia cried, 'It's Meredith! You seriously expect us to believe the crap that you've been feeding us?'
'But…I…Meredith and me…fine…' Derek babbled, grasping desperately to keep his secret safe.
'Derek, I called Meredith,'
It was too late.
'You…but…why?'
'Because, I was knew. I knew that you were lying to me,' Nancy said coolly, arching an eyebrow.
'How?' he breathed, flabbergasted.
'I always know,' she said obnoxiously, 'Remember the time you and Mark pushed Kathleen out of your treehouse, and she broke her arm. You tried to tell me she was at a friends place, when in fact she was screaming with pain at the base of a tree. Remember the time you brought that freaking baby bird home in a shoebox when I was babysitting? You tried to tell me it was a new pair of shoes. Derek. I always know,'
Derek sighed in defeat, 'So you know,'
'We know,' Kathleen corrected.
And then it struck him. Nancy. Phone. Talk…Nancy had talked to Meredith. Just…hours ago, surely. She knew where she was. She could help…
'You called her!' he cried, his heart leaping again. He was overwhelmed with warmth gushing over his body in excitement, 'You know…you know where she is…is she okay?'
'I know where she is Der…,'
The balloon that had been swelling within him popped unexpectedly and he seemed to deflate instantly.
'But you're not going to tell me,'
'No,' Nancy shrugged simply, 'You don't deserve it!'
'Nancy!' he begged, 'I have to know where she is. I need to know where she is,'
I'm sorry Derek. I almost want to tell you but…I can't. She deserves more than that. Than you.,'
'You don't even like her!'
'Exactly,'
She stood up, gathering her purse, her sisters following in unison.
'I'm going to work. In fact, we all are. I think you should know how cowardly it is to let your own family know that you screwed your intern, by your poor wife telling us,' Nancy announced loftily, 'Be at dinner next Sunday,'
With that she clicked presumptuously out of the room. Lauren and Sophia filed behind her, muttering angry comments directed at him. And then it was just him and Kathleen.
She lay a hand on his shoulder gently, 'Don't bash yourself up about it Der,' she whispered, 'Things will turn out alright in the end. Whether it's the way you expected it to or not,'
With that, she brushed a kiss into his hair and then padded out of his kitchen.
At the front door clicked behind her, Derek realized, he'd never felt more alone in his life. Not when Addison cheated. Not when he first came to Seattle. Not even when his father died. He had never ever felt like this before.
Suddenly, from listening to Nancy talk, Meredith felt so far away. His fingers would never forget the feel of her silken skin beneath them, and he would never erase the image of her walking down the aisle to him. But somehow, with every breath he took, his life was drifting further and further away from hers. He knew, that eventually, memories would fade, and become foggy and she would move on without him.
He buried his head deep into his hands, and then he let himself sob.
Dr M. E. Grey. When did she become a Grey again? She sure as hell didn't remember making a conscious decision between the name she had been born with and the name that she had loved to call her own for so long?
It had just…slipped. Somewhere, from the depths of her brain, the name that had been abandoned for so long, had fell from the ink of the cheap biro. And suddenly, she became Meredith Grey again.
It looked so…strange, up there, in official gold lettering. Like it was something revered that everybody needed to read. But it was just her name. Nothing special. An official title glittered just underneath her name, in an unrealistic way. It just didn't make sense. It didn't look right.
It was stupid and just…all she could think about. That office that she had to accommodate wasn't her office. It would never be her office.
It was his office. It always would be. She had always known him as the stronger one in their relationship and this office had come naturally with him.
She rested her hand on the silver handle, pushing it down. The door sure hadn't changed. It was still sticky and needed all of her weight resting on it to get it open. The big leather chair that would fit her entire body in it. The tiny desk, squished in the corner to compensate for the chair. The cramped, squishy sofa, which had springs almost bursting out of it, from over use. It was the room they had consummated many occasions on. First date…second date…two hundredth and twenty second date. Engagement. Marriage…
And now divorce. She was coming back to this office, their spot, to…if it was the right word; celebrate the downfall of their relationship.
It was hers now. The office she had to claim as her own, live in and work out of. All traces of Derek were gone, and all Meredith could see was the wrath that her predecessor had imposed on these four small walls. Dr James, from her recollection had always been a girly girl, and the sickly smell of stale perfume was making Meredith queasy. Ugh…
Meredith gripped at her forehead, supporting herself on the desk, waiting for the nausea to pass. The woman really had to stop wearing perfume at all.
With her head bowed, she could see the glossy top of her new desk. A fresh calendar sat just underneath a staff laptop, already her username and password to login in, taped on the screen. It really was her own office now.
She was now responsible for every attending, resident, intern, patients and patient's family that dealt with, or had a head trauma. If someone screwed up it was on her back. Her fault.
Oh god. What the hell was she doing?
'Dr Grey are you okay?'
Meredith lifted her head to see Richard's head peering through the door frame. She grimaced and then straightened up, 'Yeah, I'm okay…just feeling a little nervous. That's normal, right?'
'Yeah…of course,' he said shrugged.
'Good,'
'So are you ready to get out there? I thought I'd announce your appointment to the staff, it would help if you're there,'
'Ok. Give me a second. I have to change and then I'll be out,'
Meredith slid into the navy scrubs, with a bizarre feeling building in the pit of her stomach. It was real. She was head of neurosurgery. Sliding on the white lab coat, she took a deep breath.
First day of work…she could do this…
When you love someone
And they break your heart
don't give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on
