Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals

Chapter 11: Major Pain

Beginning AN:

I don't really have much to say about this chapter that doesn't give away mild spoilers for the final two.

Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass Major. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!


CHAPTER XI

This takes place right after the last chapter! Carl, Seras, and Rip was discussing some SERIOS BISNESS with the Major Quimby!

"Hey Quimby were the heck is Major?" Carl asks.

"er a um, SHIT I DON'T KNOW!"

But then Carl got a plan!

"He used Schrodinger to telport away. So we can look round the city w/ ARE NEW PIKMIN FORCES!"

Kamina said, "Shit. Remember wen I was job as the MAster Cheif? I had all sorts of cool shit vehicels."

Rip was, "So now you don't, because you lost your Spartain uniform?"

"NO! I'M STILL THE MADDA CHEEB. so i have THE FLITES. I can get into a vehiculer helicopter and look round. Anone want to come wiht? That hot Seras? That hotter Rip? ...Don't make me say Carl or Quimby, I hate those guys!"

Sers raised her hand but Carl tsk tsk tsked her.

"Seris youve missed one half of one fight, we dont want you to miss other."

"You know, that's ok I can go alone." He, the Kamina Cheif (remember they are the same person) said before lefting.

Carl then thot out loud, "HAY WAIT A MINIUTE! IM STANDED ON EARTH AND KAMINA HAS SPACE EXPLOITATIONS! I GUESS I CAN GET OUT OF HERE IF I ASK NISLEY!"

FRip frowned. "But do you really want to leave us?"

Carl got a look of quizz! "Not sure." He said in finally.

But then, a Red Pikmin tapped Carl's leg, geting him attention.

"What is it Pikmin?"

The Red pointed. It was the Maor!

"Aw fuckcrap Catboy why do you can't find better hinding spots?"

So then the Hecksings stared down the Major and this was about to thbe the FINAL BOSS BATTLE (for real this time not like the fakeout with anderson) so then he got out the sholder blades! It was kind of like the final boss batel of Undercover Brother! (AN see that movie it is awsom) But then Quimby got the jump on Major!

"er a um, STOP WHAT YOUR DOING RIGHT NOW ITS BAD!" Yelled Major in his corrupt accent.

Major answers, "Fuck jew Quimby."

Then Mayopr get so mad! "er a um, I'LL TRY TO KIL YOU BITCH!"

Then he did a tripol backflip and got out a gun and shot several lots of times, but Major kepts keeps diflecting the bullets!

Then Major reeched in his coat pocket and grins. "Besides I have a bit of a... SECRIT WEPON!"

And then he got out Jackal!

"er a um, WHAT THE FIUCK MAN YOU BE CHEATIN'!" Quimby said.

"No you see Al keepts this in his tank which we merjed combined with the Titan Mecha but beofre we did it I got out THIS BADBOY that I can use to finish the job."

And then he shot Quimby! But he missed the viral spots of a vampire (hart brains balls etrc.), so Quimby survived!

"O wait." Said Major. "I never got to ask. HOW THE HELL DID JEW SRVIVE THAT BLOOD DRANE I MEEN WALTER TOOK OUT A CRAPTON OF BLOOD?"

Carl answers "I TURN HIM INTO VAMPERER!"

Major say "O?"

Carl nodds.

Then Major got evil look at Seras!

"Hay bitch jew're a noob why Jew still here? THIS IS WAR!"

Seras was then, "A TRUE WAR NEVER GIVES UP! NEVER SURRENDER!"

Then a car drove up. It was Serases HOT MOM!

"DONT SHOOT MAH GIRL BICH!"

But then Major got so mad!

"Hay what the hell is she and who is she goin here?"

Seras answered, "Thats me mum."

Major sadi, "OH. SO JEWR A MOMAS GIRL?" Then he did shot Seras mom to deth! She dies to show that SHIT JUST GOT REAL!

"NO!" Seras yellecd. And then she then ran up to him to PUNCH HIM THRU FASE like with Cardguy Schrodingr and what Waslter did to Zorin in chaptar eight.

Then Rip got mad! "Seras," she said, "This man is an expert at hand-to-hand combat! Not even a vampire of your level can kill him that easily!"

She then restrained Seras!

"LET ME GOI RIP!"

"No!"

"RIP LET ME TEL YOU SOMETHIG I AM WAS VAMPERIZED FROM ALUCARD SO I KNOW WHAT I'M STRONGING!"

"Seras, I was the one who made Alucard into a vampire."

Seras got 'OH, Crap!' look and stoped. So she reeched for her gun the hadoken instead.

It begins to fire lots of yellow bullets! Then they moved around and exploded, but Major doged them (bullets and the bombs) in slow-mo like the Matrix!

Then Majpr did a triple backflip, and landed inf ront of the UKOL capitol bilding! "With Dr ded I came up with a new plan wile Seras was shoot bullets at me!"

He then reeched in his coat, but Carl snarked! "Hay your not gonna get your penis out heh heh heh."

Mayor wsa, "er a um, HAY THAT'S THE WRONG PART OF WHERE A PENIS IS! JOKE FAIL!"

But insted Major got out a bomb! "I stand in fornt of the tallest bilding in the United Kingdoms of London. When I get to top I will blow up the bomb and distroy the bilding, BUT THATS NOT ALL! The explosion makes a huge fire ball which grows asa it eats more matter, so when this bom goes off by the time the exploshon ball reeches ground IT WILL BE PRETY FUCKING BIG! But then it goes away when it touches, ground so that's how the limits work."

And then he used his badass Major powers to do the tripel backflip and he started running really faster up the bildings wall!

Carl Seras Rip and Quimby (not Kamina he was stil serching for Catboy) looked up.

"er a um, AND THEY SAY FAT PEEOPLE CAN'T RUN. er a um, SHIT. er a um, THAT JUST MEANS I NEED TO WORK OUT MORE, LIFT WAITS AND NOT EXCUSES."

Carl looked very disspointed. "WE MUST GET UP THERE. BUT HOW? NON OF US HAVE VAMPERER SPEED BECAUSE VAMPIRES=/=SPEED LIKE IT DOES IN THAT PEASE OF SHIT TWILIGHT!?"

Rip turned to Quimby. "Mr. President, don't you have some sort of aircraft which can get us to the top?"

"er a um, yes we have a helicopter."


(3/4 the way up the bilding)

Major stops 3/4 of the way up! "Dam! I need a take a break!" He then eats sandwitch.

Catboy teleports to him w/ fairy dust. "Hey Major hows it going?"

"God."

"DSoes it not bother you that we are the last 2 Millennium?"

"Nope. I mean, we killed Alcard and Integra. Now we have to deal with these stupid fucking noobs and are trader Rip. And also, war. That invasion was not a war since too many hid and ot enough fought, it was a perfectly good waste of soliders."

"HAY!" It was Carels voice (AN he's suposed to be fvoiced by Chuck Norris if this was OVA cuz Chuck is cool and he wins all the memes), as the Hecksings (and Quimby he's not part of Hecksing really) came up! In their copter!

"JEW GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING!"

Carl continyoued. "Its not a noob if we keep going and don't give up the fighting." Then he got a serious face. "Like what Kamina tot me..."

Then Carl broke through the glass w/ his SONIC WAVE GUITAR and jumped onto the lege Major was at! But upon landing on lege his kinda loses his ballince for a bit.

"WOAH FUCK THIS LEGE IS NARROW!"

Major Quimby complains to Carl, "er a um, THAT GLASS SHEELED COSTS FIVE TRILLION DOLLERS!"

Carl said, "Sorry."

Mayor Nazi said, "ENUFF! I SHALL END JEW RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!"

And then Catboy teleport out, and Major starteds to slahs at Carl w/ his blades.

"Dude I'm a vampere now those things cant cut me." Carl laughes.

Major said, "Yea but there holy silver dipped in holy water and dryed with bible paged."

"OH FUCK THATS A ONE HIT KO FOR VAMPIRES!"

Carl was also try to Sonic Wave, but Major's sholder blades diflect them! "Oh come on."


(Hellcopter)

Rip fasepalms. "Quimby, can you grind the propeller blades against the wall of this building? Seras, you will get out there and try to help Carl back in while you, Quimby, will try to get the Major to fall into the blades. He's fast, but not that fast. I will serve as backup to you, President."

Mayor swets. "er a um, wont that meen I'm left alone here in this copter by a X-Millennium? er a um, I DONT THINK I CAN TRUST!"

Then Rip activated charm and got into a sexy poze. Her close was still wet from the Titan Mecha water and see-through, and it was also clinging to her curves. It mades her look sexyer then usuel. "Please? Don't you think you can trust someone who has been working with them for some time?"

Quimby blushed and got erection (AN wait is is possible to have both at the same time? Eh lets say Rips hot enoiff to do yes), but he desided to be a GOOD PRESIDENT for onse (but this was wrong time cuz Rip wasa onto something!) and desided NOT to be distacted by a pretty fase to do his job!

"er a um, THE ANSWER IS NO. er a um, ALSO DOZENT WALTER WORK WITH HEKSING FOR YEERS BUT HE WAS MILENIUM,?"

rip ads, "Walter never slept with Carl."

Quimby shuttered at the yaoi mentil images. He was not homophobic but come on Walter's like sixty it's like Mr. Burns. "er a um, STILL NOT CONVICT."

Rip handed him her mashine gun. "Look, this is the only weapon on me. And as you can see by my attire and the state of it, I do not have any other weapons with me. It is fully loaded with silver bullets containing small explosives in them. If I act suspicious at all while you are with me, shoot me."

"er a um, ok i beleeve you now. er a um, SERAS GET YOUR HOT ASS OUT THER!"

Then she did, but when she got out she snuk nup behiond Major and kick him in the balls.

"FUCK YOU THATS FOR KILLING MY MOM. NOW I WILL TEAR OFF THOSE BALLSS AND SHOVE THEM IN YOUR EYES AND THEN THRO YOU ON HELLCOPTER BLADES WHICH IS KIND OF PART OF PLAN!"

But Major did not looked that hurt! "he he im wearing cup. WHAT? JEW GOTTA BE PRIPARED FOR WAR!"

Then coptper got close enough for Rip to be talking! "Carl! Jump in here! Seras is going to help you!"

"NO!" Seras biched. "I WANT TO KILL HIM TO REVENGE MY MOTHER!"

"Seras! This isn't part of the plan!"

"FUCK THE PLAN YOU SLUT!"

Rip loked confused. "What? How? Carl is a bigger slut than me! For one, he is the only man I actually slept with!"

"YEA WELL YOUR BORING AND ANNOYING CARL IS NOT."

Rip growled, but quietly not like Seras. She then turn to Quimby. "President, if I told you to forget about Seras and just ramp the copter's blades up that building the moment Carl gets off, will you shoot me?"

"er a um, well I can see how you find Seras to be a bitch sometimes. er a um, but id' still hit that. er a um, so yes."


(Back on the bilding (tho the last part was mostly about the bilding, I just thought this a good point to put a line break)

"Carl!" Rip crys, "Get back in the copter! We have another idea!"

Then Carl did a tripol backflip in! But Seras stays out!

"REVENJE!" Seras cryd. But then Rip jumpd out, grabed Seras, and jumped bak into the copter!

"Go Quimby!" Rip shoted to the Mayor.

Then the chase continue, and the Major was running! Then he dropped his bomb and it was cut in lotsa peeses, just to show how strong the blade thingy works! (The bomb no explode it just shorst out and we see cool electric effects to)

But Major sees the blades and does math skills. "Hm if I jump in a few seconds I can go PAST the blades and not die!"

Then he did a 4ple backflip into the copter! "Sup." He joked. Then he bladed the controls! Now the copter has worse controls then Sonic 2006!

Carl got out comunitater! "KAMINA GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HER IN YOUR CRAFT WHAT THE HECK WAS YOU THINKING SERCHING FOR A TELEPORTER?!"

Then MC Spartan vehiclcle came under the helicopter! Carl and Seras and Major jump out and on top of the craft, but Rip grabs Mayor first and jumps on it to. Now all 5 of them was on it for a KICKASS SHOWDOWN!

Quimby was, "er a um, Rip why you save me like that? er a um, I'm a vamperer 2 you no."

"I just didn't want anything to happen to our good leader." She said, rubbing his chest his her hand. Quimby blushed and erectioned again.

Major was, "ENOGH! LETS FINEL SHOWDOWN RIGHT HERE!"

Carl complyed by tearing off his shirt, showing all his musels (AN I SAID HE DOES NOT LOOKS LIKE GIRL BACK IN CHAPTER 3 AND THIS PROVES IT OK?)

Major rips off shirt, revveeling his big man titties.

Then Rip riped shirt 2!

"er a um, you a girl you no." Quimby noted.

"I don't care. The damn thing was see-through anyway."

Then Carl and Major wressels like idiots. Kamina (he was the driver in case you forgot he was also the Chief) uses his SPARTAtech to message Seras.

"Hay um... this thing has canons on top of it. You want me to just shoot Major?"

"FUCKJ NO I WANNA KILL HIM!" Seras rrajed.

But Then Major got backup shirt from his pants pocket and put it back on and Carl did the same, cut shirtlessing is fucking stuped. Rip also took off her thong and put back onher canon suit. But then Major pushed Carl off!

"ah..." Carl screemed.

"HA HA!" Major laughed in victry. "NOW THAT THE CHARMER IS GONE, WHAT SHOULD I KILL NEXT. THE REVENGE GIRL, THE TRADER, OR THE PRESIDENT? HM... LETS SEE... SO MANY OPINIONS..."

Rip grabbed on tight to the Quimby. "Whatever you do, if you try to harm Quimby, you must go through me first."

"Ok." Then he shots lotsa times at Rip! But the shots no hit! Rip laffed.

"Really, Major? Did you really think it was a good idea to shoot at a vampire who can manipulate bullets?"

"Aw fuck."

Then the bullets shot it turns out was changed by Rip and got some blue lightes on them, and was move around to the Major. They shot him in the chest (and that hurt cuz ther was ten bullits! ow!) And then Rip kicked him to the needel at the top of the bilding. (kamina drove the Spartain copter flying tank transport thing up while they were shirtlessing), where he got the spike of the bilding up his ass through his body and out his head. Ew.

"Ow my ass!" Major said looking down. THEN HE LOOKED UP. "OW! MY HEAD!" And then he died. The Kamina landed on the top ther. Him Seras rip and Quimby stepped out.

Seris growled. "GR I WANTED TO KILL HIM!"

Rip shook head. "Victoria, Victoria, I don't care what Carl says. You have a lot to learn."

"SPEEKING OF WHICH CARLS DED NOW CUZ THAT FUCKER PUSHED HIM OFF!"

"Acshally no I was not." Carl said, on the top of bilding (not the top top cuz thats the needel. Neer the top on the floor area beside the needel.) "I hung onto the eje of the Kamina's space car the entire time."

"Speeking of me," Kamina said, "I'm adaid we have some BAD NEWS. while i was serching, I found a NAZICOPTER HEDDING THIS WAY! Also even tho the leeder's dead, we still ned to kill Catboy. How the fuck you kill a guy like that?"

rip slapped herself. "Oh Christ! I forgot that the Major's superior said he was coming to London today!"

This compter landed on the bilding where the Hecksings and Quimby was at and contained evil in it! Then person who steped out was non other then... Hitler!

Rip nervisly grinned. "Hitler Badguy. The abusive older brother to Alucard. The reason why he was left seaking revenge in this country. The reason for his rise to power, and the start of Hecksing. Overseer of several groups bent on causing World War Three, including but not limited to: Millennium, Vatican Section DCLXVI, Akatsuki, Koop Troop, the Felt, and, after a recent turn of events, the now defunct Heavensing."

Hitler gave a mad look! "ri wwhy you betrooy us?"

"You knew about that? Oh shit..."

"schro toold me, eh"

"So... um... what brings you here?"

"wwell i wwanted to ether proomote or firoo you dependoon on if yoo kill al but even tho you did you stil wwiped out most of one of my top orgoonizashoons and my main reproosenter soo now ill kill you eh"

"MOST?" Seras asks. "WE FUCKIN KILLED ALL BUT THAT STUPID FUCKING QUANTIM CATBOY! ALSO RIPS STILL ALIVE BUT SHE NO WORKS WITH YOU FUCKTARDS!"

"SILENSE eh"

Then he demonstrated ability! He streched out his neck and bit Kamina, draining al the life from him and killing hi,m. Hitler explains. "see i wwoos givvoon abilootys to boocome SNAKE MEN i can drain lifes. you coont vampoore him back also eh since there is noo life blood to vampiroo"

"THAT NOT RIGHT!" Carl yells. "YOU TURN YOURSELF INTO MONSTER!"

Rip glars. "Also, theres now you treat your younger brother."

"wwhat the foock yoo talkin about?"

"Well, Mister Alucard's brother, as the older sibling, don't you think you should look after and care for him instead of-" She got nervis when Hitler lookd at her evily and got grin. "Um... belittle him?"

"belittle? al's ALWWAYS been littel, eh!"

Then he used powers to get portals from the 4 Hells! Red Hell (AN thats like the traditional hell with fire and shit also kinda like the Nether region in Mindcraft) Purple Hell (AN thats like a creepy forrist place with purple plants it has darkness all around and poyson I dunno LOL) Gray Hell (AN that place is all spase like and wierd with gravity ad electric) and Black Hell (AN NOT racist place but insted thats all Cathulu like with tenticels sorta like the Furthist ring on Homerstuck but with some reel fuckin land for once). Also Catboy teleports over to join Hitler I guess.

Carl Seras Rip and I guess Quimby (not Kamina/Master Cheef since hes dead) all pose for the final battel. Cuz this. Is. It! The final boss music from Super Mario Glaaxy 2 is playing!

...

...

...

OH WAIT NOT NOW. NEXT TIME.


Closing AN:

Well, that turned out longer than I expected.

(Minor spoilers?)

Let's just say that I hope the same can't be said for the next chapter. That's supposed to be the shortest chapter in the fan fic, which would be an easy thing to achive, but chapter 6 is pretty damn short.