I didn't come here to understand or to explain

Nor to ask for anything for me, I don't want anything for me

I came for what I know, and as far as I know you like me

That's why I came

Billy had been staring at that Zippo lighter for a few minutes, not knowing if he missed Lisa that much or not. What he knew for sure was that he missed the man he was when he was with her. Someone had to snap me out of those thoughts.

"Billy? Billy! Fuck, man!"

He stood up slowly, opened his arms.

"What now, Bodie?"

"I'm worried about tonight, dog. We cannot afford to fuck this up."

"Why are you so fucking worried, man? When was the last time we didn't get our job done?"

"When Baggy got fucking killed! Or you forgot that already?"

Billy just sighed. No, he wouldn't forget that any time soon.

"Tonight we'll not only kill the motherfucker who did that, but we'll also hit a job that could give us like, a month of vacation!"

That word sounded magic. Vacation. Billy didn't know what was like to have some days off in years, in many years. Not having Bones around made things easier in a way, but the business was growing harder, it was the first time that any of them got killed in a deal gone bad, and that meant something. He lived for danger, he lived by it, but Billy was starting to accept the fact that he was just getting tired. What would he do? Open up the body shop again and repair cars? Twice the headache, for half the money?

"Fuck it", Bodie grumbled, seeing that Billy got all thoughtful again. "That bitch has got you weird. Too fucking weird."

"Mind your own fucking business, Bodie."

"Come on, man. We gotta meet Roger in like, 5 minutes for the last arrangements."

Billy had sat in that chapel, on that same old bench, with that same damn red light coming through the glass panels for countless times, every time he had something important to take care of. That time, he was thinking about what he didn't want to do. But he didn't have time for that bullshit.

People say that, as the end of the year arrives, the days pass by faster. Lisa had never felt that happening as much as she did then, everything was changing so fast. Now, James was whining about leaving the day care. She was doing pretty good at work, James was making new friends and developing his skills as any other kid, they could not ask for anything else. Lisa was even starting to make plans, maybe buy a car, refurbish their house… plans finally made sense now that they had a real future to look forward to.

Lisa hadn't heard from Billy since that night when Baggy was killed. That was a good sign, because if anything had happened to him, she would have known. But every other minute, the thought of him popped in her mind. Some days she woke up searching for his arms, and I never found them. She couldn't quite understand what was going on: we couldn't stand to be together… and they couldn't stand to be apart, it seemed Life was proving to be hard all around, once more.

The week passed by real fast, and the lack of news started to get on Lisa's nerves. She spent all day checking her cell phone, although she knew he never called her. Lisa missed him, she really did. But she knew she hadn't gotten that tattoo for nothing. Every time Lisa looked at it, it made her stronger and set her mind back to James and James only. Kat was also proving to be a great friend, cheering Lisa up and taking her mind off of Billy.

Oh, the awaited Saturday. Lisa walked out of the supermarket feeling so much lighter, Kat had told her about The Children's Museum and Lisa was really excited about taking James there on Sunday. From the distance, she saw Bodie's car parked across the street from the daycare, and felt the blood rushing to her neck. He couldn't be that crazy.

As Lisa walked into the daycare, she caught a glimpse of Bodie kneeling down, and trying to start a conversation with James, while all the other kids were on their way out. James looked puzzled and clearly didn't trust him. Smart boy. But Lisa was too blinded by fury to see past that.

"Stay away from my son", she stated, bluntly, one word at a time.

Bodie got up and faced Lisa, trying to get her intimidated. And failed, like he knew he would.

"He's a bright kid. Didn't get it from his mother, I guess."

Lisa held James' hand tight, before he broke loose and went on to play with a few of his classmates.

"You heard me. Stay away from us."

He snickered, and Lisa felt a chill running down her spine. She knew something was very wrong when he got closer to her and whispered what was a secret indeed."

"I know who you are."

She swallowed hard. She couldn't let him get to her.

"You know who I am? Good. Then you should also know that if I ever see you around my son again, I'll fucking kill you without flinching."

"I'm so not afraid of you… Lisa."

"You should."

"No. You're the one who should be afraid. And for your own sake, I hope you stay out of our fucking way."

"Don't worry, Bodie, I am out of your way."

With that, he left, and Lisa got really upset. Why should she be afraid? What the hell did he know, and to what extent?

"Mom!"

His voice always brought Lisa back to reality.

"James. You know that guy who was talking to mom? What did he tell you?"

"He said, 'do you know who I am', and I said no. Then he said he knows you, then you arrived."

"All right, if you ever see him again, you don't talk to him. Do you understand me, James? You do not talk to him."

"All right, mom."

They walked in silence, only the sound of their boots stepping into the slush on the sidewalk, Lisa's thoughts running wild. When they got close to their building, that voice that never failed to cheer them up

"Hey! There you are! I haven't seen you guys in ages!"

Lisa just smiled, as James ran towards Alma.

"Don't be dramatic. It's been only a few days."

"I know, but I was starting to get worried!"

"Thanks, but… we're ok."

Alma picked James up, and looked at Lisa.

"Are you?"

Lisa lowered her eyes.

"Yeah, I mean… I can't say that I don't miss Billy. For some reason, I do. But this is how it's supposed to be, I guess. We're moving on now."

"I see. Well, we're going to the church now. Do you want to join us?"

"Church? Uh, Alma, I don't know. I can't recall the last time I went to one."

"One more reason you should go."

Lisa rolled her eyes, torn in between the will to go and maybe finding some real peace of mind, or avoiding having to think about her life.

"Listen, I'm not trying to convert you or anything. I just think it might be a nice place for you to keep in touch with your heart and soul. Everybody needs that sometimes."

"Well, you should know that people tried their best to convert me to a lot of things in juvie, and they all failed. If people start yelling at me, I'm out of there."

Alma laughed out loosely and put James down the ground.

"Don't worry. They even got a special place for kids to stay. We're gonna have a lot of fun, right James?"

He shrugged, as he'd never been to a church before, and held Lisa's hand.

"Where's Mama?"

"Oh, she always goes a bit earlier… you know, she wants to sit in the front row."

They started walking, talking about any and everything. A few blocks later, Lisa spotted Billy's crew gathered around their cars, Bodie had already joined them. She kept walking, as much as her thoughts sent her right into Billy's arms, she didn't even understand why.

"I hate to say this, but he won't take his eyes off of you."

That was enough to make Lisa look their way, and Billy was indeed staring at me. She felt like he was the only one standing still, while all the others were gesticulating and talking. Although Billy tried to convince himself that he didn't look for her 'cause he didn't care, in fact it was the opposite. He didn't want to drag her back into that life. He had hopes for her and that kid. Lisa fought hard against her mind, her heart, her feelings, and got into the church. Enough was enough.

"Yo! Let's roll!", Joe said, excited, as if they were going to do something fun. Well, Billy used to think that way. It wasn't fun anymore.

"I'll meet you at the headquarters."

"What? Where are you going, dog?"

Billy had literally no patience left for anyone, let alone for Heco."

"You listen to me, you fucking prick. You work for me. You owe me fucking explanations. Not the other way around."

They vanished into their cars and left Billy alone with his demons. They were all he had then.

Religion had never been one of Lisa's strengths. It never really helped her find any comfort throughout her turbulent life, so she had just given up on it a long time ago. However, there was something inside that temple, a sense of peace that made her heart feel so settled and reassured. Lisa had forgotten the power of a gospel choir, though, and she couldn't hold back the tears as they started singing.

Now Lord, don't move my mountain, but give me the strength to climb

And Lord, don't take away my stumbling blocks, but lead me all around...

Lord I don't bother nobody, I try to treat everybody the same

But every time I turn my back, they scandalize my name...

Now when my folks would slay me, these things they will try to do

But Lord, don't touch them but within their heart, make them give their life to you...

Jesus, you don't have to move my mountain, give me the strength to climb

And Lord, don't take away my stumbling blocks, but lead me all around...

Alma put her arm around Lisa's shoulder, in a sign of comfort.

"I'm glad you're here."

A smile found its way between the tears.

"Me too, Alma. Me too."

That hour wasn't nearly as boring as Lisa thought it would be; it was comforting and encouraging, giving me a much needed strength to carry on. When they left, the guys were gone, and Lisa's peaceful state of mind was disrupted by thoughts of what they were doing, if Billy would be safe, if she'd ever see him again.

"Aren't you worried about Bodie?"

Alma chuckled.

"As the older sister, I've been worrying about Bodie since the day Mama Jo brought him home. It comes to a point where… I worried so much about him, that I forgot to live, you know? I lived to make sure he'd come home, to make his bails, to rescue him from ODs, and I watched as me and my mother grew more and more exhausted. He made his bed, he's gonna lie in it. I know that's an awful thing to say but it's the truth. I can't live his life, I never wanted to."

Lisa thought for a while, and Alma knew exactly why she had asked that question.

"You worried about Billy?"

"I know I shouldn't. But I am a little. A lot."

"Don't worry. All the other guys would die first."

"None of them have to die in the first place."

"You've got a point." Alma said, climbing the stairs. "Now I'm gonna go home, bake a delicious chocolate cake with the creamiest frosting, and I'll give you a piece when it's done. How does that sound?"

James looked up at Lisa, with a smile in his eyes.

"We would love that."

After a Saturday special – pizza and diet Coke, Lisa gave up to James's insistence and they watched "Lilo & Stitch" for the gazillionth time. She already knew all the lines, but couldn't help smiling whenever James chuckled at something, which happened every other minute. Her son's laugh was a balm to her soul. Lisa's mind kept on wondering about one thing, though.

"Where is Alma and that cake? I could really use some chocolate."

"Me too, mom."

"Well, we will have to wait, dear. You know mom doesn't buy candy during the week."

"But today is Saturday."

"All right, smart-pants. We'll buy some candy bars tomorrow, ok?"

A well-timed knock on the door cheered up both of them.

"Yay! I guess we've got chocolate!" Lisa said, clapping her hands and rushing to the door. "You have no idea how… oh."

"You forgot this." Billy said, handing her the lighter.

"I didn't forget it. You can have it."

Billy put the lighter in his pocket, and asked Lisa the most unexpected question.

"Mind if I… Mind if I come in?"

Lisa couldn't help but notice that there was something so different about him that night. From his tone of voice to the way he was standing, everything was unusual, and suddenly, the look in his eyes made all his lies worth believing.

"Hi Billy", James let off as soon as he stepped inside, leaving Lisa wide-eyed. Billy approached him.

"Hey, big guy."

"I saw your car today."

Lisa kept on watching, completely amused. She had no idea that James had noticed Billy or his car earlier.

"You did, huh? Did you like it?"

"It's awesome. It has a tattoo, just like you. I wish you could give me and my mom a ride some day."

Billy turned to Lisa, a serene expression on his face, like Lisa had never seen.

"Anytime you want."

"Cool."

Lisa wasn't sure of what surprised her the most: was it James being so open, or was it Billy showing some real interesting?

"Ok, we're gonna ride in Billy's car some other day, but right now it's bed time for you, kiddo."

Lisa looked back at Billy.

"I'm gonna tuck him in. Are you staying or…?"

Billy didn't gave her a chance to finish. Now he knew what he wanted.

"I'm staying."

While Lisa tried to get James to sleep, Billy walked around. Lisa got new white lace curtains in the kitchen, the house smelled like cleanliness and care, the couch was calling out his name. In his life, all he ever knew were shitholes, dark alleys, low-level clubs, dirty motels. Places with no name, no purpose, he just went on, from one to another, never really finding any meaning. Her place was… a fortress. He'd never looked for one, but ended up finding it anyway.

She came back to the living room, and there was a cloud of grief and concern weighing over Billy. Lisa sat by him, in silence, showing no condemnation, no censure, no judgment. That was the only way to show him that she was there for him. He blew the smoke from his cigarette away.

"I was supposed to be going after the Cutty Macks right now." He uttered, looking at her from the corner of his eyes. "I just… I just needed a break."

Lisa knew exactly how hard it was for him to admit that, and making a fuss about it wouldn't help. She made everything look so easy, and maybe it was easy after all. If there was a future for Lisa, there had to be a future for him as well. And she wanted to be a part of that. There was something deeply egoistic about wanting to be the rescuer, but this could be her redemption… and his salvation.

"How long is that break?"

"Can't really say."

"I'll be right back."

Lisa went to her bedroom to find a bottle of whiskey that had been stashed in the back of her closet for God knows how long.

"I cannot believe he's almost one hour late. Where the fuck is he?", Bodie yelled, pacing around.

"Hey, relax, won't you? He's gonna show up, sooner or later."

Bodie came up to Heco.

"Later will be too fucking late."

"Hey, hey! Chill, man. Let's wait a bit more."

Bodie was furious that Billy didn't show up. He knew it, he knew that that night they had to carry out the two most important missions of their lives: avenge Baggy's death and get the highest paid job they've ever done.

"All right, that's it. I'm done waiting." He snapped, walking out of the office.

"Where the fuck are you going?"

"Oh no, not me. We. We're going, with or without him. This is a one-time chance, and I'm not gonna miss it because our 'boss' is out there, doing God knows what. He knew exactly what had to be done, and if he's not here, I'm guessing he doesn't give a shit about it. Or about us. Or ever fucking worse, he's just afraid of going to jail."

The guys all looked at each other. For the very first time, Billy wasn't there to lead them, and there was enough reason to suspect his motives. It would be weird, but the money was way too high to let it pass. Silently, they all got into Bodie's car and drove off into the night.

"Let's start with this", Lisa said, shaking the whiskey bottle on her way to the movies. Billy grinned a little, and it was clear to her that he didn't really know what he was doing there. Lisa didn't care, as long as he was there, in her sight. She poured two generous doses and handed him a glass.

"What are we drinking to?"

He threw the cigarette butt out the window.

"There's really no reason to toast."

"There has to be."

Ther wasn't. Lisa watched as he completely ignored her comment and swallowed half of the whiskey, leaning back on the sink. The liquor brought back the Billy that she hated, but was learning to deal with.

"So, you went to church with Alma today. Found Jesus yet?"

I heard there was a single chord that David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya?

And it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah...

"I'm not looking for him."

"What are you looking for then?"

"Peace."

"Shit, that's even harder to find."

"I disagree", she said under her breath. Lisa reached for his pack of smokes, which were on the sink, and as she fell back, he stopped her, placing his hand on her back and pulling her closer. She put the smokes back where they were, and gave in to him. It wasn't time to fight… it was time to settle down. No more dirty whores, preppy junkies, or girls from the hood who were just after protection and status. This time, Billy had a real woman, giving herself entirely to him, and asking for nothing in return. That scared him more than getting killed on the streets.

Your faith was strong, but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya

She tied you to her kitchen chair, she broke your throne and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the hallelujah...

His mouth tasted like malt and tobacco, and it was again intoxicating. But this too was atypical. They moved slowly to her bedroom, where he took his time to kiss every single inch of Lisa's body. She knew that being gentle wasn't his thing, but somehow he was really invested in cherishing that moment, as if it would never happen again. Lisa didn't care. All that mattered was pleasing him, then and there. She pulled out some tricks she had hid up her sleeve, turning the man into a volcano, ready to blow. Lisa managed to keep his desire right there at the edge, so that when he moved inside her, they were both in a complete state of awe. She could tell by the way he touched her. No words were necessary, just his rhythmic moves, her legs wrapped around his waist. He put his head up a little, it had been resting on her shoulder, and kissed her deeply, their fingers intertwined. That was it for Lisa, she couldn't hold it a second longer. Much to her delight, a few seconds later he collapsed on top of her worn-out body. That was the closest they would ever get, like their bodies could melt together, and neither would mind if that happened.

"You're kinda heavy, you know", she said, giggling.

"You weren't complaining about it until now."

Lisa took a good look at him, swept a drop of sweat from his forehead. The words got stuck in her throat. Some things are better left unsaid, anyway.

Billy got up and headed to the bathroom, while Lisa was left there, rolling over the bed, still not quite believing what had just happened, or how it happened.

Baby, I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor

You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya

And I've seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...

Billy found Lisa sitting on the kitchen floor, wearing his t-shirt, with a half-full glass of whiskey and a half-smoked cigarette.

"Stealing my smokes?"

Lisa wanted so badly to tell him that he had stolen so much more than that.

"I'll repay you, William."

He sat down in front of her, also served with whiskey and a smoke.

"You can bet on that… Anna."

"Please, don't call me that. It reminds me of someone I don't ever wanna be again."

There was a time when you let me know what's really going down below

But you don't really show that to me, do ya?

Remember when I moved in you, and the holy dove was moving too

And every breath we drew was hallelujah...

She shook the memories off and stretched her leg over his. That scar on her thigh was hideous. Still, Billy ran his thumb over it.

"This ain't no street scar, is it?"

Lisa just shook her head, sighing.

"Nope. It's a… homemade scar."

"Who?", he asked, squinting his eyes.

William was just trying to get away from Billy. Her silence was enough of an answer.

"You didn't need no fucking tattoo to tell you that you could never forget. That scar should do."

She grinned and raised her forearm.

"This… is so that I never forget what matters most. Now this", she pointed to the scar, "this represents everything that I have to forget, no matter what it takes."

"James' father."

"Yep."

"Coward motherfucker."

Lisa was about to say that it was her fault, but she had to stop making excuses already. It wasn't her fault, it never was.

"He was… he was a gang leader", she revealed. Billy chuckled at that statement, and the quirk of fate that it represented.

"How the fuck did you end up with another gang leader on your kitchen floor?"

"Ironic, huh?"

Well maybe there's a god above, but all I've ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya

And it's not a cry that you hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...

The whiskey bottle was down to half, so were all of our constraints and shames. Lisa had been talking for the past 40 minutes or so, with Billy oscillating in between listening attentively and wondering off for a minute or so. She had also yawned about a hundred times.

"I guess it's bedtime for me", she said, standing up and getting a head rush that made her lose her balance for a moment. He promptly grabbed her arm.

"Someone drank too much."

"I didn't."

They went back to the living room, and Lisa hated that he was leaving. Again.

"Are you gonna be all right here?", he asked, while looking at her bed and the mess they had made. It looked so much more inviting now that he had left his mark on it. His eyes looked at hers in a way that spared the use of words. There was an idea of Billy Darley. To Lisa, that idea was gone forever.

Lisa rolled over the bed, confident that she'd find the arms that she searched for almost every night, but all she found were pillows. She didn't even open her eyes, asking herself over and over again, how could she be so naïve? Of course he wouldn't stay, why would he? Lisa just sighed deeply, and when she got up, she caught a glance of Billy by the window, lighting up a smoke. The alarm clock showed that it was too early to be waking up in a Sunday.

She managed to go to the bathroom, brush her teeth with a wet toothbrush, which indicated that someone else had used it before her, and come back to the bedroom while he was still smoking.

"Morning", she said, trying to sound indifferent to the fact that he was still there.

"Morning", he replied, without looking at her.

"Why are you up so early?"

"Couldn't sleep."

There was a deep frown forming on his forehead, as Lisa wrapped her arms around his waist.

"I'd better go."

Part of Lisa wanted to let him go, but couldn't. She knew Billy long enough to know that no one ever lasted in his god damned life. Lisa was willing to last.

"I was hoping I could persuade you to stay."

"What's the offer?", he asked, smirking.

"Uh… breakfast?"

"Not good enough."

Billy pulled her closer and, with that laziness that's so typical from Sundays, they made love again, without hurry or worries. Their inner beasts were finally tamed by each other.

"Now I really have to go."

"Got what you wanted and now you can leave, right?"

That was supposed to be a joke, but Billy wasn't amused.

"Geez, I was just kidding."

"Well, just fucking don't. It's not like…"

Lisa had the guts to shush him, placing her index finger over his lips.

"You don't have to explain anything. I'm gonna make you some coffee, and then you can go."

The tired look was now permanent on his face. Lisa felt like he wouldn't stand another minute in the streets if he had a choice. She wasn't enough of a choice yet.

They got up and silently parted ways – he went to the bathroom, she went to the kitchen, prepared the coffee and sat down to watch some TV while it got ready. That was when she noticed that Billy had left his gun on the side table.

"Unbelievable", she thought aloud, shaking her head and grabbing the gun. On her way to the bedroom, a loud thud and her door burst open. A disturbed Heco came in, and her reflexes pointed the gun right at him. Lisa felt like shaking on the inside, but her hand was steady as a rock.

"Where the fuck is he? Huh, bitch? Where the hell is he?", Heco yelled, uncontrollably.

"What the fuck? You think you can break into my house just like that? Just like that?"

"Get the fuck out of my way, bitch! You think you scare me with that gun?"

Lisa's glance was attracted to her right, where James was now awake and staring at her, wide eyed.

"James, go back to your room."

"But mom, I'm…"

She knew he was about to say she was scared. The tone of his trembling voice said it all, but she couldn't let him witness that.

"James, go back to your room, now!"

"Yeah, James, go back to your room", Heco said, mocking Lisa. He was pushing all the boundaries. Suddenly one more person ran through the door – it was Alma.

"What's with all the noise? Oh dear Lord. Lisa, put that down."

"Don't worry, Alma. Bitch don't have the balls to kill me", he said, staring at Lisa.

"My friends Smith & Wesson disagree", she replied, staring back.

James didn't obey Lisa and was starting to cry. Alma saw that and called him; he ran up to her without thinking twice. Finally, Billy came out of the bathroom, drawn by the sound of Heco's voice shouting all kinds of nonsense.

"What in fuck's sake are you doing, Heco?"

Billy came in from behind Lisa, took the gun from her hand. She couldn't stop looking at that motherfucker.

"This ain't your business, Lisa."

"It is my god damn business when a junkie wanna-be gangster fucking blows out my door!"

Billy looked at Heco with complete despise. He was so high on meth that his eyes could burst out.

"So, this is where you were last night? Banging her while we were out there, almost getting our fucking selves killed?"

He just passed by Heco on his way out.

"You're out of your fucking mind."

"See you later… bitch", Heco said, passing by Lisa.

"If you ever show up here again, I swear to God I'll decorate my walls with your fried up brain."

"Try that, Mrs. Hoyt."

The world froze on that phrase, and Lisa's breath got caught in her lungs. She didn't even see them leaving.

"Lisa? Lisa!"

She turned around, James clinging on to her leg, the world was turning round again. She bent down and picked him up, still staggered.

"Yeah."

"Why did he call you Mrs. Hoyt?"

"I… he… he found something that he really shouldn't have."