Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night". I own nothing you recognize. I do own Lola Mills.
Thanks to SallyJetson for the beta.
It took Lindsay nearly a half an hour to pull herself together enough and say, "All right, let's go on."
"Why don't you tell me about Lola Mills?"
"She always blamed me for the death of her daughter. More than anyone else. I was home for Christmas, 3 years after the murders, and she tried to kill me."
"What? Why didn't she get charged for attempted murder?"
"She did. They pleaded it down to aggravated assault. The defense tried to get it down to assault, but the DA wouldn't budge anymore."
"How did they get an attempted murder charge to assault?"
"Good defense attorney. They tried to argue insanity as well. About the only person in Bozeman who had any sympathy for me at the time were my parents and the DA. The defense finally took an aggravated assault because they were going to take the case to Bozeman with a Bozeman jury for trial. The DA argued there was no way they'd get a fair trial in that town, which was probably true. The defense was afraid the Bozeman jury wouldn't buy an insanity defense and convict her on the attempted murder charge."
"Why did the DA allow it?"
"Big case load. It got a case off her desk. And she wasn't going to have to worry about appeals that way."
"I had to pull myself off my first case back in Montana. It was another one of the mothers. It turned out she'd committed suicide because her only daughter, her only family, was gone. Ironically, it was around Christmastime." Hesitating for a moment, she continued, "I was always labeled after that. I guess one of the reasons I didn't say anything here was that I didn't want to be labeled by my history. Even Mac doesn't know everything I just told you."
"I assume you haven't told Danny anything."
"I can't Stella, he won't…"
"O, Lindsay. Listen to me, and listen to me good. No one is going to think less of you here, okay. We all have our pasts, and we all have things we wish we hadn't done. Hell, I killed my boyfriend last year, and I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. But you can't let this define you. All right?"
"But it's so hard. Especially when I keep getting all these reminders."
"And that's why you need to talk with someone." They were both silent for a minute before Stella asked, "Why did you leave the crime scene the other night?"
Lindsay looked down at her hands. "I had just gotten that second letter about the parole hearing before I got the call to go out. And Gina, uh, she looked like her, almost exactly. And with the tears, I just couldn't face it. Her. I know I didn't handle it correctly, but I guess I wasn't thinking. And was afraid that no one would understand."
"Well, you certainly didn't handle it well, and you're in trouble over that. But what I'm more disappointed in is that you felt like you couldn't trust us."
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"So this is why you hate Christmas," Stella said with realization. Lindsay nodded. "Well, I'm not letting you stay home that day. We'll have a little lab get together: Danny, and Hawkes, Mac, Sid, and Peyton at my apartment. I'll make a rule, nothing Christmassy. But you're not going to spend the day alone. I'll have Danny come kidnap you if you won't come on your own." You'll never get over it if you do.
"Fine," Lindsay said reluctantly.
Stella decided to turn the discussion to slightly happier thoughts. "So, do you like Danny?"
"What? How did you know?"
"I'm a CSI, Lindsay," Stella said, smiling. Tactfully leaving out exactly what Lindsay had said the night before, she continued, "And you may have said something last night about it."
"I guess, but I can't, Stell. He'll run as soon as he finds out my past." Speaking more softly, she resumed, "And I'm afraid I can't trust him. I mean after Joel."
"Lindsay, what did I just tell you, about not letting your past define you. And as far as trusting him, I think there are a few people that would kill him and make it look like an accident if he hurt you."
"I just can't. I can't tell him."
"Yes you can. Danny understands having a past. In fact, if he doesn't stick by you, he isn't worth shedding a tear over anyway."
"I don't know."
Stella turned the discussion to happier thoughts, and they just hung out for a couple of hours.
However, Stella had to turn the conversation back to tougher matters. "Lindsay, I've got to go into the lab for a few hours. But I need to ask you about something," Stella said, getting up.
"Okay," Lindsay said, questioningly.
Stella had grabbed the bottle of Tylenol 3 and walked back over to sit next to Lindsay. "What are you doing with this?"
Lindsay started to panic. "A doctor prescribed it for me a couple of years ago when I was in an accident." Stella stared back at Lindsay. "It's true," Lindsay exclaimed.
Stella simply stared back into Lindsay's eyes, not quite believing her.
Under Stella's gaze, Lindsay cracked. "I haven't been sleeping well."
Stella retorted, "And you've been taking these to help you sleep."
Lindsay nodded. Here comes a huge lecture.
Stella was livid. "Monroe, you know far better than that. Taking narcotics. You could get addicted fast. And I don't want to hear that it's codeine not morphine. It gets turned into morphine in the body, you know that."
Lindsay didn't even bother offering an excuse, because she knew she didn't have one.
"Why didn't you go to the doctor about the insomnia?"
Lindsay offered the truth, even though she knew it was weak. "I didn't want it in my records for IAB to see."
"I guess what I suspected. Do you realize now drug use would look on your record? You'll get fired if IAB finds out! And if you're taking it every night, it's going to happen. You know that, or at least I thought you did." After a minute of silence, Stella asked, "Are you going to say anything?"
Lindsay was cringing inside. "There's really no excuse."
"Lindsay, you've got to tell Mac."
"Stella!"
"Look, if you don't, I will. And he won't be happy if he hears it from me."
"He won't be happy hearing it from me."
"Fine, he'll be less angry hearing it from you. He won't turn it over to IAB yet. But this is serious, Lindsay. You really aren't handling this well. You need to talk to a counselor, possibly get a legitimate sleeping aid. "
"All right."
