Disclaimer: OTH belongs to the CW. All song lyrics belong to their respective owners.
A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I'm glad people are enjoying this fic because I'm having a blast writing it.
Chapter Eleven: And Suddenly You're Deep Enough, To Lay Your Armor Down
There were some assignments that made Ripley enjoy school though they were few and far between because either way you still had to get up early and stay somewhere all day where you'd rather not be. Not to mention she couldn't snack like she wanted to. But as she sat in Carl's class on Rachel's right side and listened to him outline what they were supposed to do; she could foresee an interesting hour ahead of her, especially since she'd been paired up with Ella. It was almost like the universe was against her by giving her the one person she'd been praying not to get. In a room with Glenda, Rachel or even Brooke she had to get the one person that kinda hated her.
If it was karma at work she wasn't sure what she'd done to deserve it.
She'd hoped to be paired up with her girlfriend so that she could bug her about how she was doing some more. Clearly being home while that guy tried to rob her was a harrowing experience but Rachel just kept saying she was fine. That she didn't wanna talk about it because there was nothing to talk about. But…there was. Things could have gone horrible had her and her dad not shown up. And besides he'd yelled that he was paid to break in so, who had paid him? These were things they needed to be figuring out together.
However she didn't wanna push and upset Rachel so she was letting her off the hook for the most part. Being more attentive without being overbearing or smothering by offering more gentle touches or light kisses; if Rachel cared she didn't let on. She melted against her like in the blonde's arms was somewhere she always wanted to be. So if giving physical comfort worked that was cool too.
Exhaling deeply, she watched Rachel go off with Bevin and Glenda go off with Lucas—of which she was less than thrilled about considering he hadn't known her last name—and slowly glanced to where Ella sat glaring at her. Might as well get this over with. Getting up she grabbed a camera from the front of the room and an index card with the questions they were supposed to ask each other. A part of her was curious as to if there were things about Ella she didn't know. If she'd changed that much since they'd broken up.
"You ready to do this?"
Ella huffed but stood. "I guess so. Just try to keep in mind I don't wanna hear about your friendly new girlfriend." Tossing her long dark hair, she stalked out of the room.
Man this is gonna be so much fun! "Ella, what is your problem? I mean I get it you don't like Rachel and that is fair enough. But we broke up ages before I got with Rachel so it's not like I cheated on you. People break up and move on. I wouldn't be acting this way if you had someone knew."
"Of course not because nothing ever gets to you." Ella snapped as she stormed down the hall. "You're so fucken placid about everything. You didn't even try to change my mind about anything. You just broke up with me."
"I know how important your future is to you. Why would I try to make you change any of that for something I—I wasn't sure about?" She shook her head. "I loved you, I did. But I didn't wanna pretend that I could plan our life when I knew I couldn't. Would you rather I did and then five or ten years from now I break up with you?"
"I'd rather we didn't break up at all." Ella said softly. "My parents are on my back all the time and you were the only person who understood I was more than a brain. I think I'd be crazy to not want someone like that with me forever."
"Ella, there is no way in hell you won't find someone else who gets you." Ripley followed her into the art room. "You're amazing and it has nothing to do with how smart you are. And you know I don't think there is anything wrong with going after your education. Or telling your parents to lay off."
"That's easy for you to say when your parents are normal."
"I don't know about all that."
"They haven't planned your whole life."
"You don't have to do what your parents want you to do. I know you have a ton of scholarships to a ton of schools. You could go to any and…become a total pothead if you wanted and there is nothing they could do about it."
Ella cracked the tiniest of smiles. "I miss you, Rip." A beat. "Sometimes I thought you were flighty and it annoyed me that you didn't take your future too seriously, but god I miss it. You were fun and you loved me for me."
Ripley pulled herself up onto a table. "I didn't die, El. And I didn't pull away from you. We broke up and you stopped talking to me."
Ella nodded. "I was angry—still am. Even more so now that you're with Rachel of all people. I guess I thought you were just going through a phase and we'd end up together again. But I see you with her and—and she makes you smile and it hurts because I used to make you smile like that."
The blonde lowered her gaze. She didn't want to feel guilty but she couldn't help herself. Once upon a time she had loved Ella dearly and even though she wasn't in love with her anymore, she still didn't want to see her hurt. "I'm sorry."
Wiping at her wet cheeks, Ella chuckled a little. "The funny thing is I know. I know you never set out to hurt me. You're annoyingly perfect like that."
Ripley snorted. "You more than anyone know I'm not perfect. I'm scared and lost just like everyone else. I think I just hide it better…and I do things that distract me."
Wetting her lips, the brunette migrated over and sat in front of her. "You know I'd totally planned to be bitchy and not do this assignment with you. Or at least give bullshit answers."
"You don't say?" Ripley mused. "That's fair."
Ella smiled. "Yeah but, if I get an F my mom will flip her shit and although I kinda wanna see that, I don't want my car taken away from me." Taking the index card, she cleared her throat. "Maybe this could be our mutual white flags? I'm not saying I'm not still mad because I am, but, like I said I do miss you. We used to be good friends too."
"I'd really like that." Ripley replied. "Honestly. Just because we're not dating doesn't mean you can't come to me and rant all you want. I will always listen."
Fiddling with the card in her hand, Ella appeared to think about it for a second before saying, "Share something personal with your partner."
Nothing in life was too cut and dry but Ripley wanted to believe she and her ex could at least get along. Maybe not like they used to but a little could end up going a long way. She just had to show Ella that she was still important to her, much like she'd had to do with Glenda. It wouldn't be easy but she was willing to make the effort if it caused their shaky peace to actually last.
Furrowing her brows at the question, she swung her legs back and forth. "I do worry about my future. I worry that I'm too capricious and that I'll never settle on anything, so I'll never amount to anything. Some days I wanna be an artist and other days I think practicing law would be fun, but really I kinda just wanna float. But floating isn't very adult and whether I like it or not I'm gonna be a real adult someday so…"
Ella nibbled on the inside of her cheek. "This isn't a big thing but I cheated on our last history midterm. I'd studied all night but the next morning it's like everything had just, flew out of my head! I freaked and copied off Emma Hopskins."
Ripley laughed. "No for you that is personal. Wow and kinda deviant."
"Shut up!" The other girl giggled. "I got a B and I wanted to throw myself down some stairs. I actually stood at the top of the ones in my house and thought about it for a good give minutes before realizing it wouldn't take the B away."
Geeze. "Well I'm glad you didn't do that. Really."
Ella shrugged with redden cheeks. "Lighten up. Do an impression of a celeb or famous character."
"Now, what we have here, is the giant African rhino!" Ripley exclaimed. "Rhinos are like gray ugly unicorns! I'm gonna get a little closer and bop it right on the nose!"
The other girl snickered. "Really? Steve Irwin?"
Ripley winked. "Hey I'm making the accent work for me."
Ella rolled her eyes. "Well I couldn't do an impression to save my life so let's just move on. Admit something that worries you, or something you're afraid of." She made a face. "I'm terrified of going to college. Like I break out in hives when I fill out an application."
That's new. "Why?"
"Cause what if I flunk out?" She groaned. "College is ten times worse than high school and you don't have someone like forcing you to do your work. What if I get there and I can't hack it? I'm smart, yes, but am I college smart? It happens you know. People get to college and just burn out."
"True but that won't happen to you." Ripley patted her arm. "Especially if you don't let your parents talk you into take more classes than you can handle. Be firm and make it clear that if they try to force you there is a chance you'll go hippie and stop shaving under your arms."
Ella laughed, looking mortified when a snort slipped out. "Your turn!"
This is kinda fun. And we're not arguing so… "I don't know if I should say. It might upset our tenuous peace."
Ella arched a brow. "Oh go ahead. I know it's about your big redhead."
Ripley grinned. "I'm worried—I'm worried that I won't be able to please the big redhead. In that act."
The brunette blinked. "Oh. Heh cause she's been so friendly?"
Ripley smirked. "Yes. Sex is a big deal and she's had a lot of it. Not with girls but still. What if I just can't satisfy her?"
"I never had any complaints."
"You wouldn't though. We were equally matched."
"I'm sure you'll be fine. Good. Great. If she likes you then she'll like what you do to her. I did."
"Thanks. For what it's worth I like what you did to me too."
Swallowing hard, Ella focused on the index card again. "What do you want to be in ten years?"
Good questions. What do I wanna be in ten years? "I don't know. Happy and healthy I suppose. You?"
Ella tilted her head to the side. "For all the grief my parents give me I do wanna be a doctor. A pediatrician though not some heart surgeon. Or maybe one of those doctors that specializes in operating on children."
Ripley could see that. "I think you'd be really good at that. You're driven so you'd do whatever it took to make sure that kid was okay."
The brunette sighed but it wasn't sad. "It's so weird to think about stuff like this. To actually be here. I don't feel like I'm ready to go out into the big bad world and be on my own."
The blonde could so relate to that. "Me either. A lot of people are so anxious to leave home or move far away but me? I like it at home. I wanna travel but I feel like I have time. I don't have to automatically go the moment I graduate."
Pulling her hair up into a ponytail, Ella secured it with a rubber band. "I might leave early just to get some peace before classes start. I think my parents would go for it if they think it's all about studying or whatever. I hope I get a nice roommate and maybe a girlfriend."
"You'll definitely get a girlfriend. You're gorgeous, and I hear chicks dig that." Ripley teased lightly. "Plus you'll be able to do their homework for them."
Ella tossed a piece of paper at her. "Oh whatever. Though if I love them enough I wouldn't mind doing their homework for them."
Ripley smiled. "I know you wouldn't."
Holding up the last question, Ella read it off. "Tell your partner a secret."
To be honest Ripley didn't have many secrets, at least none that were so scandalous she didn't wanna tell people. There weren't any skeletons in her closet. If she had secrets she was keeping them for other people and naturally she couldn't tell anything that didn't rightfully belong to her.
"I don't have any secrets. Um," She chewed on the inside of her cheek. "I once stole a hamster from the pet store when I was younger. I stuck him down my shirt and it looked like one boob was seriously bigger than the other since I hadn't exactly blossomed back then."
Ella snorted. "What happened to it?"
"It got old and died." She explained with a shrug. "We had a funeral for it and everything."
"Sometimes I think the only reason my parents are okay with me being gay is because of what it might mean socially." The brunette whispered. "Like they talk about it with their country club friends; the horrors I will have to overcome to be accepted and how strong I am for it. I'm happy they don't care but you know…I wish they didn't care because I'm their kid, not because it might help them get up some ladder they think they need to be up."
Ripley knew Ella had quite a few issues with her parents but it was always staggering to hear things like this. It reminded her of how horrible Glenda's mother usually was or the rumors she'd heard about Nathan's parents. She couldn't ever imagine being like that towards her child and she was thankful her parents loved her unconditionally. She didn't know what made a parent disconnect so badly from their child but she knew it was insane. Kids were meant to be loved not used as tools to further your own life.
"You're gonna be okay, Ella. This life we're in now only lasts for a few more months and then you can be anyone you wanna be." She said softly.
Ella slipped out of the desk she was sitting in. "Yeah." A beat. "Ripley, I'm sorry for being a lunatic those times with you and Rachel. I—I'm stressed with school and shit but that's no excuse. I guess I was just shocked you picked her especially after everything that has been said about her."
Understandable. "I get it and it's okay. Had the shoe been on the other foot I might have reacted the same way. Obviously you're entitled to react any way you want. Though lunging at her was kinda funny."
Ella made a face. "Hey I don't actually regret that. But I will try to be less crazy."
"No promises though?"
"Oh shut up. Now what kinda pictures should we take?"
In the end Ella decided to grab up a bunch of papers which were supposed to be tests and launch them into the air while mock screaming. Ripley snapped her photo just as the papers were falling down around her. She was quite pleased with how it turned out.
Today I spent an hour with Ella Cortez, my ex-girlfriend, and I learned she's not as perfect as everyone thinks she is. But it's actually her flaws that make her even more of a cool person. It takes a lot of strength to pretend to be something for everyone else. Especially when you're great just the way you are…like she is.
For her picture Ripley drew stars and other little shapes on the chalkboard and stood beside them, pulling her long hair off her neck so that her tattoos could be seen, so that it looked like the drawings were jumping off her skin. She looked up through long lashes just as the camera flashed.
Ella scribbled on the back of the index card; I spent the hour with Ripley Sinclair. I was so mad at her for breaking up with me and I'd forgotten how much fun she used to be. I'm glad I got the chance to remember today. Hopefully we can continue to be friends—she's someone I wanna keep in my life. I'm still a little pissed at her though.
When you were smart you didn't have to put much effort into school or classes. You didn't have to study or "hunker down"; all you had to do was show up, pay a bit of attention and things would work out for you. Rachel always felt that her intelligence was sort of wasted on her because no one cared how smart she was. Her parents damn sure didn't—they never asked her about report cards or tests or mid-terms. She could have flunked every single class and they never would have given her a second look, just like they didn't when she got expelled. And naturally guys didn't give a shit what was between her ears as long as they could get between her legs.
Still she did her work and made good grades because—well because in some weird way it kinda made her feel good. Like not only was she gorgeous and rich but she was also smart too. A total triple threat if it weren't for her extreme insecurities.
The entire class called you friendly. The entire class called you a slut. Jesus, and here I thought I had some type of respect by default of being popular. It's bad enough they think that but that Ripley heard it. I mean she didn't seem to care when she reached over and rubbed my arm afterwards but surely she has to be wondering what the hell she's doing with a train wreck like me. Especially after being paired with her perfect little ex. I wouldn't be surprised if she totally breaks up with me later.
Why does she like me? I'm…nothing.
I'm just a slut in pretty clothes.
Walking into one of the girls' bathrooms, she made sure that she and Bevin were alone before gazing at her reflection in the mirror. In the past she would have sparked up a joint and spent the hour too wasted to function but she didn't want to do that this time. She really just wanted to go home and crawl into bed but she would settle for answering a few questions from a friend that was thankfully too stupid to remember anything later on. Yeah she loved Bevin but it was no secret she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. But people liked her because she was sweet, and that counted for something for some reason. It had never worked for Rachel though. Her sweetness had always come off as fake with other people…except for with Ripley.
I wish I was with Ripley right now.
"Okay so I don't get it. We're supposed to do the stuff on the list and then take a picture for the yearbook?" Bevin inquired innocently.
Rachel nodded. "That's the plan."
The blonde pouted. "Well, I already took my photo for the yearbook and my hair looked really pretty that day."
Rachel chuckled. "It's not that kind of photo. It's just um, some kinda candid thing I guess."
Bevin tilted her head to the side. "Oh, okay. So you wanna start? It says to share something personal with your partner. Like remember that time we all went up to your cabin in the woods? Skills and I totally did it on your dock."
Rachel blinked; personal and TMI. Nice. "You won't tell anyone what I say, right?" Her friend shook her head so she continued. "Personal. Alright. You know I haven't really been happy for a long time. Like I go along and I smile but I've been so unhappy." Pause. "It's stupid but I feel like the last few months are the first times I've been truly happy since I was old enough to know the meaning of the word."
Bevin's expression was thoughtful. "Why? You have a pretty good life."
Depends on who you are asking. "I don't know. I have money and stuff but that's not all life is about. For a while it helped but after the shit with Cooper…"
"Aw well at least it's getting better!" Bevin smiled at her. "You cheered at the State Championships!"
How less stressful my life would be if I were Bevin. "I did and it was awesome."
Bevin grinned widely. "Great! Okay um eh I don't know any good impressions so we can just skip this one. Skills does a great impression though of that pig that is friends with Bugs Bunny." She sunk down to the floor. "Let's move on to the next one. Admit something that worries you or something that you're afraid of. Oh my god I am terrified of spiders! Once I had a dream that a spider crawled into my hair and laid eggs, and like later they hatched and I had all these baby spiders crawling down the side of my face."
Rachel chuckled softly. She had to admit that sounded pretty horrible. "I don't think you have to ever worry about that though." She decided not to tell her about the spider that died in some guy's ear. "You take good care of your hair."
"I really do. I use this organic shampoo. So what are you afraid of, Rachel?"
"I used to think there was nothing I was scared of, and then Ripley showed up. She scares the hell outta me. She's so—she's too open and real and it freaks me out. I worry she'll realize how much I suck and break up with me."
"No way! You two are super cute together! I've known her for a while and she would never just break up with someone for no reason. So you should be good unless you like, turn straight again in which case yeah it'll probably be over."
"I have no plans to turn straight again. Besides I'm starting to think I'm bisexual. I mean I still like guys but I really like her too and she's made me happier than any guy I've been with so far."
Bevin giggled. "I totally wanna be with a girl at least once before I die. Just to see what it's like. After you have sex with Ripley you gotta tell me how it was."
Rachel snorted lightly. "Okay."
The blonde wiggled her legs idly. "What do you plan to be in ten years?"
Thinking about the future—especially in regards to leaving high school—wasn't something that Rachel liked to do. She'd probably go to college but it just seemed sort of useless when she had no real career aspirations. "In ten years I'll be twenty-eight. Hopefully still smoking hot."
Bevin grinned. "That sounds good to me. I wanna be a mom I guess. Or maybe a model or something." She screwed up her face. "I don't know. We'll see. I'd be happy just working in a store though as long as I made good money and it was a nice store. A make up counter though not stock. I wouldn't wanna put up stock."
Moving over to the sink and hoisting herself up so that her legs could dangle, Rachel shook her head. It was kinda wrong; Bevin's life was so simple and yet she seemed so genuinely happy. She wasn't pretending to be anything but what she was, even though what she was…was a dippy, ditzy moron at times. Still she appeared to be in good spirits so maybe being ditzy wasn't as horrible as people often made it sound.
Maybe if I cared less about what people thought of me I'd be like that too. "I'm exhausted for some reason. All this sharing and caring nonsense I guess."
"I've liked it." The blonde responded. "I've learned some cool stuff about you that I didn't know before. You don't even gotta tell me a secret if you don't want, though it is the last thing on the list."
Wetting her lips, the redhead swallowed hard and decided to go all in. It felt nice to have certain things off her chest knowing that Bevin would never throw them back into her face. She was way too kind hearted for that. "I'll tell you a secret, not because of class, just because." She exhaled. "I never really felt anything with the guys I slept with. When I got my new body, I thought it would change everything. Maybe it did for the boys, not for me."
Because underneath I'm still the same sad little fat girl I always was.
Bevin pulled herself up. "You know, I always wondered what it would be like to be a dude. Like, walking through he halls in jeans and a ratty t-shirt, all bad-ass. You know talking smack and checking out chicks and stuff."
"Maybe that was my problem all along. I was going after guys when I should have been going after girls." Rachel only half joked, considering her newfound relationship with Ripley. "Though knowing me I would have picked horrible girls and be right back where I started."
"You should give yourself more credit. I mean yeah you've did bad things like went after Nathan and slept with his Uncle, but you're a good person Rachel. When it matters you come through for people." Bevin patted her shoulder. "Okay, so, what do you wanna do for our pictures?"
Rachel was lying on her bed, snuggling Ripley's hoodie when Brooke breezed into the room with a big smile on her face. Obviously her pow wow with Chase had went well. She was practically beaming with a little skip in her step. But that was Brooke for you; things always had a way of working out for B. Davis. She would be lying if she said she wasn't jealous sometimes because she was. That's probably why she'd set out to steal Brooke's life when she'd first arrived at Tree Hill.
"What's wrong with you?" Brooke asked upon seeing her. "Ripley dump you already?"
Rachel smiled softly. "No, just thinking. Carl's class got into my head I think. Bevin and I had a nice chat." Pause. "Well I had a nice chat and she talked about her hair."
Brooke laughed. "Aw, that's our Bevin." She flopped down across her bed. "Chase and I totally just got everything out into the open. I told him about us stealing the calculus tests and the bet we made about him. Which by the way looks like I'm gonna be your maid but it was so worth it. I feel like this weight has been yanked off my chest, and now our relationship can move on to this new level."
Rachel sat up. "Sounds like you found Jesus."
Brooke stuck out her tongue. "Laugh all you want Fondle-rella but it's true. Besides this is exactly how you were acting when you first told Mouth and I about your newfound sexuality. If you can be sprung on Ripley then I can be sprung on Chase." Smiling, she pulled her legs under her. "It feels so good to not have any secrets for a change."
Glancing to one of the drawings that Ripley had done for her when they were in the early stages of their friendship, Rachel sniffed as her eyes started to shine with tears. She could totally relate to being overwhelmed by secrets, to being so smothered that you couldn't breathe because each inhale that you struggled for reminded you of everything you were hiding. She was tired—exhausted—of keeping things from people but she was terrified of them finding out the truth.
The truth about things that had happened to her.
The truth about how she honestly saw herself.
The truth about…everything.
"Could I tell you something and know you'd never tell anyone else?" Rachel asked softly.
It appeared that Brooke was gearing up for a snarky comeback, but it died when she saw her friend's expression. "Of course. What's wrong? Are you having trouble with Ripley?"
The redhead shook her head. "No. Ripley is great. I still wonder every day why she's with me but I'm glad she is. I just—before we got serious some things happened and now I don't know how to tell her the truth. I know she's going to be angry and…I'm scared she might leave me."
Brooke got up so that she could sit beside her. "I'm sure if you just explain what's going on she'll understand. She doesn't seem like the type to just fly off the handle." A beat. "Is this about like some of your friendlier exploits?"
Rachel snorted lowly. "I'm pregnant, Brooke."
The brunette blinked, her brown eyes stretching so wide they looked like they were going to pop out of her head. "What? You're kidding right?"
She licked her lips. "I wish I was."
"How long have you known?"
"A while."
"Does anyone else know?"
"That's where it gets complicated. When I first found out I freaked out and decided to get an abortion."
"But… I'm confused. You didn't get one?"
"I lied about it. I went and I was all prepped but then I didn't have it."
Brooke rubbed her back soothingly. "Sweetie, why didn't you tell me any of this before? I would have been there for you."
Rachel sniffed. "Because I was horrible to you when I thought you were pregnant. I said you'd be a horrible mother. I was insensitive and just stupid. I didn't expect you to have any sympathy for me. Besides that's how Ripley and I became closer. She took me to the clinic and sat with me after she thought I had the procedure. I acted like I wasn't feeling well when in reality—I don't know—I think I was still in shock over my decision." She wiped at her face. "Then Rip and I hooked up, and the time to come clean just never came."
Brooke nodded. "Rachel you have to tell her the truth. I mean you're going to start showing soon so it's not like she won't notice. Um…who's the father? It's not Cooper, is it?"
The other girl made a face. "No it's not him. I do know who the father is but I hope I never see him again." Just the thought made her stomach rumble unpleasantly with nausea. "I should have just gotten rid of it."
"Not that I'm not being supportive of the choice you made because I am, but why didn't you?" Brooke inquired curiously. "You've never struck me as the motherly type."
"Heh no you're right. Remember when we had to take Haley to the hospital because she was having pains or something? And she was like so worried about losing the baby? I just kept thinking about that night and her and how she reacted…" Rachel swallowed hard. "She cared from day one. Probably from second one. And for one stupid little moment, I wanted to be like Haley. I wanted to care and put someone else first. So I didn't go through with it. I didn't even think about what it would mean for the long run."
"Well you're obviously going to have it." Brooke waved a hand. "I guess now you need to decide do you keep it or put it up for adoption. Either way you need to tell Ripley and soon. If you want you guys to have an actual chance at a future there shouldn't be any secrets. It'll be worse if she finds out some other way, trust me."
Rachel realized that her friend was telling the truth and that she knew from experience but it wasn't like it was going to be easy. It was going to be frightening and hard and she had so much to lose. It was going to be an instance of putting her trust into someone—into Ripley—and hoping that it paid off. Hoping that Ripley understood her motives when she told her everything.
She was going to do it but like so many good things hope wasn't something that came easy to her.
