Okay, I wanted to thank those that reviewed. I love every review that I get.
Chapter #11: The Trouble with People
A few more days passed with nothing changing. A cure continued to not be found, Xander stayed a girl, and Spike grew increasingly more and more annoying. Buffy had apologized for that day in the library, but it was clear that she still had no idea what it was that had made him so upset.
It was now his first day back at school and Xander was standing in front of the building, trying to work up the strength to actually walk through the doors.
"Come on, Xander," Buffy said impatiently, looking back at him in annoyance. "We're gonna be late."
"Why don't you two just go ahead?" Xander suggested hopefully, staring at the building in fear. "I'll be fine out here for a little while."
"We're not just gonna leave you here on your first day back like this," Buffy said.
"I'll be fine. I swear," Xander insisted, "I just . . . I just need a few minutes, that's all."
"Are you sure?" Willow asked, looking concerned.
Xander waved the concern off. "Positive. Just go on without me. I'll be right there."
Willow looked hesitant but thankfully gave in. "Well if you're sure . . ."
"I'm sure."
Buffy and Willow gave him one last glance, but eventually dragged themselves away from his side and went into the school. Watching them go, Xander stared at the doors closing behind them and tried to tell himself that they were just doors. That they didn't mean anything.
They were just two pieces of wood, after all. Two pieces of wood that swung back and forth to allow people to enter or leave. You pushed them or pulled the handles and they opened. Nothing special. No great feat of engineering.
"Hey, are you new?"
Startled out of his contemplation of the doors, Xander looked over with wide eyes to find some guy looking down at him with a mildly curious expression. "Huh?" was his intelligent reply.
"Are you new?" the guy repeated, "You look lost."
"Oh, um, yeah" Xander licked his lips uncomfortably and looked down. The guy was still looking at him and Xander wasn't so sure he liked it. Could he tell? Did he know? Beginning to draw in on himself, Xander tightened his grip on his backpack. "Yeah I'm new. First day and everything."
"Then I'm Ryan," he said. And was it just him or was this guy standing way too close?
"Alexandra," Xander said the name uneasily, this being the first time he would actually have to answer to it. "Call me Xan."
Ryan nodded agreeably. "Where are you from?" And he was still looking at him. Why wouldn't he stop that? He must know. He must think Xander was a freak.
Xander smiled weakly as he used their cover story. "LA?" Would it be rude if he backed up a few steps?
Ryan smiled back. Freaky. "Cool. You probably have tons of stories. You'll probably notice it but we don't really get out much in this town."
"Uh, yeah, I've noticed," Xander said, shifting his grip on his backpack uncomfortably, and then looked around almost desperately at all the students brushing by them to get into the school. He wanted out of this conversation. "Um, don't we need to be getting to class?"
"Nah, we still have a few minutes," Ryan said carelessly but then looked at him again. "But you probably need to go to the office, right? C'mon. I'll show you."
"Oh, no. No," Xander shook his head, backing up a bit. He didn't need to be around this person for any longer. "That's okay. I can find it by myself."
"No. C'mon," Ryan insisted, "You'll get lost and you really don't want to be late on your first day. The principal here is a real troll."
"No. No, really. I'll find it. Don't worry," Xander waved him off, already quickly walking away. "Thanks though. It was nice meeting you." And walked through the doors and away from the guy before he even knew what he was doing. Once inside though, he stopped and looked back. Had he really just done that? Just walked through the doors?
It hadn't actually been as bad as he'd thought it would be. He'd expected to feel like something had died inside of him, but he felt completely normal. Well, as normal as he could feel when he was a girl, at least.
Smiling a little, Xander nodded to himself. Maybe he could actually do this.
Maybe he couldn't actually do this.
The day so far had been . . . stressful. That was the only way to put it. Not counting his little trip to the mall, this was his first time being around anyone other than the gang and Spike since The Change and Xander didn't know if he was up to being around all of these people. They just got too close and he was so small and they would look at him and everything would kind of close in around him.
On paper it wasn't going too bad. He went to his classes, smiled and introduced himself to the people there, and basically did what he did every day. And if he was a little quieter then usual or strangely careful of touching his fellow classmates then so what? He was entitled.
He even had a few classes with Buffy and Willow which was definitely of the good. It would've been just his luck to have an entirely new schedule and not have any classes with his girls.
And could he actually still call them that? His girls? Because technically he was a girl now too, so that didn't really work.
Seated in the last class before lunch, tapping his pencil against his desk as he waited for the minute hand to slowly inch its way around the clock and finally let him out of this school hell for at least an hour, Xander pondered the question.
He didn't feel like a girl, so maybe it still worked. Maybe as long as he still thought of himself as a guy he could call them whatever he wanted.
And, oh God. Had he actually just thought of thinking of himself as a girl? Like, a real girl?
This girl thing wouldn't come to that would it? He wouldn't lose his sense of male-ness, would he?
He had a sudden image of him losing all trace of who he was and embracing his girlhood, wearing dresses, putting on make-up, and giggling about boys.
He shuddered. Not if he had anything to say about it.
Suddenly he wanted to do something really manly. Like scratch himself in public and belch. But he couldn't exactly do that in class, and oh yeah, he didn't really have anything to scratch. He didn't have a penis.
And that thought just made him want to scratch more than ever. Like, he'd do anything to scratch.
But he couldn't and so he'd settle for just being able to move. To have space to get up and pace or something.
The room was too small, the people too close, he'd lost all track of what was going on in class, and did everyone have to keep looking at him like that? Staring at him with their eyes.
They mustknow. It was so obvious. They must know and think he was a freak. Why wouldn't they? He was a freak.
Who was he kidding thinking that he could do this? He couldn't do this.
And God he needed to move. Why couldn't he just move?
The rhythm of his pencil speeding up, Xander looked up at the clock. Five more minutes till the end of class.
Impatient, his leg began to bounce.
Two more minutes.
Xander bit his lip, staring at the clock, willing it to move faster.
The school bell rang.
Jumping out of his seat, shoving his books into his bag, and rushing for the door, just wanting to get out of there and to where there was some space, he got to the crowded hallway and froze.
Oh right. He had to go through that.
Just what he needed when he was already this close to freaking out.
He'd had to do this before of course. Would have to do this a couple times a day switching classes, but that didn't mean he liked it. He'd gotten used to the crowded halls in the years that he'd been at this school, but he'd been used to them at a bigger size. Now he just felt tiny and fragile and pushed along uncontrollably by the steady stream. Not something he liked.
Still. Impatient classmates grumbling at his back, one rudely pushing his way past his shoulder, Xander swallowed, steeled himself for the trip, and dove into the stream. Jostled this way and that, enclosed on all sides, Xander closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and just dealt with it, pushing his way through. It was lunch so he had some time to himself, but he didn't think he could deal with the crowded cafeteria.
He'd go to the library. There was space in the library.
Almost falling into the library in his haste, Xander stopped once he had reached safety. Not trembling but getting close, he just sort of held himself still and breathed, looking down at the floor as he tried to appreciate the space. It had taken him a while to get there but he had gotten there.
"Xander?"
Startled, Xander jumped and looked up with wide eyes. Then breathed again when he saw it was just Giles, coming out from behind the stacks. He should've expected him to be there. This was the library.
Standing up straighter, trying to act like nothing was wrong, he attempted a smile. Weak but there. "Hey, G-man. What's up?"
"I believe I've asked you repeatedly not to call me that," Giles said and frowned, not looking convinced by his attempt at normalcy as he approached, "Are you quite alright?"
"Oh, I'm fine. Peachy. Peachy-keen," Xander said, trying to put energy into his words when he just felt drained, "Am I using that right? Peachy-keen? It means I'm fine, doesn't it? Because that's what I am. Fine. I'm totally fine. In fact, I have reached totally new levels of fine in my fine-ness. That's how fine I am. Which is fine." Quickly, before he could say anything else, Xander shut up. People who were fine didn't babble about how fine they were.
But Giles looked bemused. "Is that so?"
Xander nodded and made a noise of agreement, "Mmhmm," carefully keeping his mouth closed
Clearly not believing him, Giles nevertheless played along. "Then may I ask why you're here?"
Xander tried to play innocent, rocking back and forth on his feet nervously. "What, can't I visit my favorite book-man anymore?"
"Not when you appear ready to jump out of your skin at any moment."
"I'm just excited!" Xander said, bouncing once in place, "There's so many . . ." casting about for something to be excited about, he ended up with, "books here." Okay and that was lame. Like G-man wasn't going to see straight through that one.
"Yes," Giles said, obviously amused at his attempt, "As would be expected of a library."
Xander smiled a little too brightly. "Yeah! See? Library's they're just so . . . so great! You know, 'cuz of all the books and stuff. People need books. Where else could we find out the things we need to know? Computers? Pah, I say. Pah!"
"And not that I'm not trilled to see you finally taking an interest, but may I ask what brought this particular revelation on?"
"Oh, you know . . ." Xander said, waving a hand as casually as he could with it shaking, "I was just in class, and I thought to myself, 'Where would we be without books?' And I realized - 'Nowhere'. And, let me tell you, Giles, that thought scared me. It seriously scared me. I had to come here as soon as possible just to reassure myself that there are books in this world."
Giles just sort of looked at him, still amused but obviously deciding that the nonsense had gone on for too long, "Xander, is something wrong? Has something happened?"
Xander shook his head and tried to relay his seriousness with his eyes. "Nothing's happened. Everything's fine."
"Xander . . . If something's happened then—"
"Giles!" Buffy called loudly, barging into the library. Xander jumped in surprise at the noise and turned to stare at her with wide eyes before going back to pretending that everything was normal. "Giles have you seen— Oh, never mind," she said, her eyes landing on Xander, standing right in front of her, "Xander. Where have you been?" she demanded. "You were supposed to meet us at the lockers."
"Uh, yeah . . ." Xander shifted uncomfortably, remembering. How was he going to explain that one? They wouldn't believe his intense desire to be around books story any more than Giles had.
"Are you okay?" Willow asked in concern, having followed Buffy into the library much more quietly. Getting closer, she reached out a hand to touch his shoulder and Xander held himself still. He didn't want to hurt Willow's feelings by backing away, but she was seriously getting too close. Unfortunately, Willow actually noticing things about him, she saw his reaction and her concern grew. "Xander?"
Xander tried to act like nothing had happened. "Yeah?"
"Is something wrong?"
Xander's mouth opened to say 'nothing', but lying to Willow just felt wrong. It was a little awkward with Giles and Buffy there, but Xander sighed and forced himself to tell her the truth, feeling all the nervous, jittery, energy of the last few minutes leave him, leaving him tired and drained. "I'm just having a little trouble with people."
"Were they bothering you?" Buffy demanded in that must-protect-all kind of way she had.
"No," Xander shook his head, looking down, and tried to hug his arms to his chest. Feeling breasts, he let his arms fall back to his sides. It was irritating. He needed the comfort, but he couldn't get it. "Not like that. They were just . . . There was just so many of them, y' know? Way too many and way too close. Like, on top of me close. And they kept looking at me. Judging me with their eyes," getting lost in the memory of the badness, he stared into space for a moment before shaking himself out of it and looking up at his friends, "I just needed some space."
"Oh . . ." Buffy sounded almost disappointed. Probably because this meant she couldn't beat someone up and make the problem go away. She was like that.
"Do you wanna sit down?" Willow asked hesitantly.
"Not really." He liked the space he had here. He liked being able to move. Looking up, he smiled weakly at their concerned faces. "Don't worry. Just give me some space and I'll be fine."
Still worried, Buffy frowned, turning to Giles. "Is this another eye-thing?"
Giles considered this. "I think it may be. Tell me," he said to Xander, "Has this just started today or have you felt like this before?"
Xander tried to think back. "I've really only been around a lot people when we went to the mall that day. You know, for the clothes? And I was a little too preoccupied with trying to get out of shopping and then with my little melt-down to care. So I guess it's just today."
Giles looked thoughtful. "Hmm . . ."
Willow turned to him, worried. "Does that mean something? Xander's going to be okay, isn't he? This thing isn't going to get any worse? Because that wouldn't really be fair, you know? Xander didn't do anything. This isn't fair."
"Yes, I know. In a perfect world, he wouldn't have had to deal with this situation at all." Giles sighed and took off his glasses to clean them absently. "But to – to be quite honest, I'm not sure. This could mean that the curse is evolving but then it could also simply be yet another facet of the curse that has just not presented itself until today. I'm afraid we may just have to wait and see if anything else, er, pops up."
Xander frowned, uncomfortable with the idea. "I don't think I like that plan. If this thing is evolving or whatever then I could wake up tomorrow pregnant and then what'll happen? I can't take care of a baby."
There was a sound of irritation from behind him. "Why can't you people ever have normal conversations?"
Startled by this new voice, they all turned quickly to the doors.
"Cordelia?" Willow asked, confused.
"Yes?" Cordelia asked, looking down on her imperiously.
"What are you doing here?"
"This is a library," Cordelia explained slowly, as though Willow were stupid, and held up a book, "I have a book to return."
"Oh?" Giles said, looking a little confused when she then looked at him expectantly, but then seemed to remember that he was a librarian, "Oh, yes,", putting on his glasses and going to the check-out desk, "Give it here then."
Cordelia passed him the book and as Giles did librarian things she turned to the others with mild curiosity. "So what are you freaks doing? And who's she? Don't tell me you've already found a replacement for the loser."
Xander winced at the reminder. Cordelia didn't recognize him and had called him a she. Ouch.
"What? No. This is Alexandra," Willow said, looking nervous. She was a horrible liar. "She's a girl. Xander was a guy. It's totally different." And again, way to remind him.
"Her name is Alexandra? As in Alexander?" Cordelia wasn't stupid. "What you can't have Xander so you go out and hire the next best thing? That's just creepy."
"We didn't hire anybody," Buffy protested.
Cordelia raised a brow. "So she's doing this for free?"
"She's not doing anything."
Cordelia scoffed. "She's filling in the shoes of a dead guy for his creepy friends who can't let him go. Give it up already. Xander's dead. I don't know what you freaks did to make him so, but he's dead. Get over it and move on. Stop hiring creepy people to take his place," beginning to look disgusted, "She's not even a good replacement. He may not have acted like one, but Xander was a guy."
"Yes. Thank you." Xander was glad that somebody had realized this.
Cordelia looked at him, confused. "What?"
Oh right. Oops. She didn't know and he wasn't going to tell her.
Why was that again? Because of the mockage? It wasn't like she wasn't going to figure it out eventually. They'd already told Ms. Calender.
Xander sighed and made the decision. Might as well just tell her. "We weren't going to tell you but I actually am Xander."
If possible, Cordelia looked even more disgusted, turning back to the others. "And you've got her pretending to be him too?"
"No, really," Xander insisted, a little annoyed that she didn't just believe him. "I am Xander. There was this curse and, well, this happened." He gestured at his girl body.
"Right," Cordelia scoffed, looking skeptical, "And you expect me to believe that?"
"You believed vampires were real."
"And I'm afraid she's telling the truth," Giles said, coming back from the check-out desk and his librarian things, "There was an incident two weeks ago that has left us with some rather, well, persistent consequences."
And letting that run through his head, Xander frowned. Did Giles just call him she? He'd been called she before but only around people that didn't know and Cordelia knew.
That seemed to get through to Cordelia though. Giles wasn't exactly known for his practical jokes. "No way. For real? This is the loser?" Cordelia looked far too amused and laughed. "Oh my God. That's great!"
"It's not that funny," Xander grumbled, wanting to cross his arms over his chest petulantly.
"Are you kidding? It's hysterical. I always told you you were a girl."
Xander didn't say anything, not looking happy. Giles had called him she!
Cordelia just laughed some more. "Oh you have to tell me everything."
TBC
