Hey all, I am finally back with an update. I know it's been forever since I wrote anything for this and I apologize, but I have a good reason, which I have left at the end of the chapter here. I hope you all enjoy this and get a lot of laughs out of it since I tried to make old gags from the show come back and other works by Matt and Trey. So, let's get to it.

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park as it belongs to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I do own the OC "Johnny Earnhardt" in the story.

Bold- PA system/Message Bulletins/

Bold Italic- Radio/TV/Facebook/Twitter/Text Messages

Italics-Thoughts/Letters/Flashbacks


My day had gone from average to shit in just an hour. Since school was cancelled after I ended up crashing the giant UFO into town, I was spending it with my friends. At least I was at first, anyway. King Jew, being the little bitch that he was, cheated and ended up bringing me to his kingdom against my will, all the while disposing of Butters after they knocked me out. Needless to say, my being mad was an understatement. I was at the point that I could probably punt a baby to the next county and not feel remorse.

Since I was being kept a close eye on by Stan and Jimmy, I was unable to use my phone to try and contact Butters or Eric. Although, that was probably for the best. I'd play their game for now, but God help them when I had the chance to run.

It had been two hours since the three of us left Kyle's house and my bullshit meter had long since shattered. It reached the breaking point after Kyle hit strike three with me. Then it broke when I decided to try and gain the trust of Stan and Jimmy. Just like I predicted when I woke up that I would be doing a chain of small favors before completing the biggest one, it happened. Where do I begin? The part where we recovered Stan's phone from his raging bitch of a sister? Or finding a flute for Jimmy to increase his powers?

Now that I think about it, Jimmy's was probably the easiest job I had all day. When we went to the ranch to buy the flute from the farmer, he said he had to go get it in the barn. But when we went to get it, the farmer's cows attacked us and tried to eat us, all the while speaking German. The only solace I tried to take out of the cannibalistic cattle was that they exploded after we beat the crap out of them. I'm not sure what caused the cows to do that, but a hunch of mine told me the answer had to do with the UFO crash and that green goo that was all over town.

Then we fought Shelly. Jesus fuckin' Christ. I don't think any amount of therapy will help me move on with what happened. The three of us fell victim to the teenage girl's fists of fury. I ended up getting the worst end of the stick when she, I shit you not, pulled her tampon out of her pants, and chucked it at me. All I have to say is that I will be sure to close my mouth next time… Now I've probably got AIDS.

In the end, Stan thanked me for helping him get his phone back, but I was still not happy with him. Once I helped them, I managed to get their focus to the matter at hand with the goth kids. I told them that I needed to get goth clothes and some cigarettes. Thankfully, Jimmy knew where we could get the clothes. There was a hobo that sold random crap near the U-Haul on the northeast side of town. So that was our first stop.

"Okay. I need gloves, a shirt, pants, and a hat," I told them.

"Fine. We'll wait over there for you." Stan nodded.

I walked up to the hobo that was lounging against the side of the U-Haul truck. He had a small stack of boxes that were filled with lord knows what treasures. After I pulled out my wallet and counted my money, I frowned. I was not sure I had enough.

"Can I help ya', kid?" The hobo asked.

"Yeah. I'm looking for some goth clothes. Think you can help me?"

"I got some in here."

The hobo set down the box closest to him and opened it. Inside was the shirt, hat, gloves and pants that I needed. When I asked him how much it would cost, I was thankful it would not be ridiculously expensive like the crap you found at outlet malls. Ten dollars. I had twenty on me, so this made things a lot easier. I handed him the money and he handed me the clothes. That only left the cigarettes.

"Let's go to the goth kids, Douchebag," Stan said, walking down the road.

"Not yet, Powder Puff." I shook my head. "I still need cigarettes."

"Where the hell are you going to get cigarettes?"

"I was hoping you'd know."

A sigh escaped me. Stan was about as knowledgeable as Gary Busey. Then my brain clicked. Before I got separated from Butters, I remembered him telling me that the sixth graders always had smokes on them and that they hung out in the alley by Jimbo's store. I slung the small bag on my shoulders and started walking towards Jimbo's store with Jimmy and Stan close behind me.

On the walk over to the store, I pulled out my phone to check my Facebook messages. No one from Eric's end sent anything. That meant that Butters had not told them I got taken captive, or they did not care. I did, however, see a reply from Annie.

"I'm not that cute, Johnny. But thanks for the compliment!"

"Not that cute? Blonde, bad, and beautiful is the way to go, girl!" I replied back.

We stopped just shy of the alley and I tucked my phone away. Voices met our ears and I nodded back at Jimmy and Stan. I slowly peeked around the corner and could see three kids standing by a dumpster. The kid in the middle was holding a pack of Marlboros.

"Let's get those smokes and get the hell out of here." I walked around the corner.

Jimmy and Stan followed me into the alley. Our entrance got the attention of the older kids and they turned to glare at us. The leader of their group stepped forward with a large smirk on his face.

"What do you stupid fourth graders want?" He sneered.

"I want those smokes." I pointed at the pack he was holding.

"Then come and take it!"

"With pleasure, bro."

The fight was nice and short. Jimmy had all but immobilized the sixth graders with the brown note after warning me and Stan. We covered our ears to block out the sound and could only smirk as the sixth graders all clutched at their buttocks. Small brown stains of poop formed on their pants and tickled onto the ground. I would have laughed, but the stench almost made me gag. When Jimmy stopped playing the note, Stan and I attacked. I smashed the legs of the first two with my bat while Stan cut down the other with his sword.

As the three teens moaned on the ground, I picked up the cigarettes. We made our way out of the alley and hurried back to the school.


The three of us stopped outside the gate and I quickly put on the black clothes. They fit me pretty well for the most part, but wearing all black was not my style. Then again, I wouldn't know style if it came up and kicked me in the balls either. Pushing that thought to the back of my mind, I tucked the cigarettes into my pocket and opened the gate. Stan and Jimmy followed close behind me.

"Oh joy, it's Butthole the Barbarian again from the Dungeons of Dumbass," Mike said, taking a drag of his cigarette.

"Well, I'm wearing your clothes now. Will you join our game now?" I crossed my arms.

"You got to admit he looks better." Pete gave a light shrug.

"Yeah, he's almost a goth," Henriette agreed.

I rolled my eyes. Almost a goth? Jesus, I pretty much hate the world as it is at the moment for my own reasons. How can that not correlate with their values? You'd think angry personalities would sync together almost as well as women's vaginas.

"Being goth isn't just how you dress, it's a frame of mind! It's time for you to prove that you go against societies rules," Michael said.

"Yeah!" Firkle nodded.

"There's a big PTA meeting happening right now at the community center. You need to walk right into the middle of that meeting and tape this sign to their table." Mike handed me a large cardboard sign.

Once I had it in my hands, my eyes fell on the gothic font. I was not surprised by the message that was on it either. In big, black lettering were the words "Fuck the Conformists". Okay, let's review the positives and negatives of what I had to do next. The positive, if I did this, the goths would be willing to tag along for the game. The negative, these parents would not only view me as a bad kid, but this would just be the crème fraiche on top of my grounded session… Fuck it, this was light compared to the shit I did already.

"Yeah… that will prove your individuality." Pete rolled his eyes.

"By mine, you mean yours, right?" I mused.

"Go on, beat it. And don't come back until you have a picture of that sign taped to the PTA table." Michael walked back to his step.

Crap. I took a deep breath, turned around and walked back out the gate with Stan and Jimmy. Once we were out I turned to them.

"Let's just get this over with. Take me to the community center."


I switched out of the goth clothes again and back into my warrior outfit again. Thankfully the community center was only a block away, so that would make it a quick back and forth trip. Just as I was about to open the door, I noticed Stan and Jimmy weren't by me. Turning around, I saw them a good ten feet back.

"Are you coming?" I asked.

"Screw that, I'm not going in there, it's boring." Stan shook his head.

"Good luck in there, Douchebag. You're a braver man than I am." Jimmy waved.

You fuckers. Fine, I'll do it myself. I'm willing to bet my left nut that if Butters, Token or Tweek were with me, they would have sucked it up and came inside to help. I shook my head, pushed open the doors, and entered the building.

The entire community center was jam packed with people. I was able to recognize some of the faces like Jimbo, Kenny's parents, and Butters' parents, but since I was still new, it would take time. After taking a deep breath, I walked down the open aisle towards the front. The voices of the township sounded mixed between concerned and angry.

"Rabble, rabble, rabble!" Some of them chorused.

"I don't think shouting rabble over and over again is going to solve anything or state the problem at hand, but that's just me." I shrugged.

One man wearing a yamaka stood up, garnering everyone's gaze. If he was Jewish, then there was a good chance that this guy was the Elf King's father.

"It isn't right, I tell you!" He shouted. "Out of nowhere this huge Taco Bell is being built, and now our children are missing precious school time!"

Huh, maybe I was quick to judge the intelligence of some people. So they did realize that the sudden construction of a Taco Bell was off, especially since there was not any hints of it during past meetings. Now with the school time… I'm good with this, bro. Fourth grader with a college level brain, get up on that!

I shifted my attention to the head of the board where there five people. The biggest person I recognized was Randy with his porn star mustache. Alongside him was Principal Victoria, Mister Garrison, Mister Adler, and a woman with dark, red hair that was up in a large style.

"Parents, we've been assured by the builders that they are working to fix whatever problems they've encountered and school should resume soon," Victoria said calmly.

As much as I had to give her credit for her calm and cool approach, I disagreed with that. Has she seen what was going on outside? I mean, maybe Nazi zombie cows wasn't a big deal to her or anyone else, but I personally did not like almost getting blown up after I killed them.

"Resume soon? Who do they think they are? They think we're gonna see a Taco Bell as being more important than our kids' education?" Stephen Stotch stood up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our biggest douche in the universe nominee, Stephen Stotch! I pinched the bridge of my nose and tuned out his voice. If he saw me here, this would escalate to a new problem. I reversed up the aisle and remained a good distance behind his seat. I returned my attention to the front and Randy stood up.

"What if it's not really a Taco Bell we're dealing with?" Randy looked around the crowd.

I blinked, somewhat thunderstruck. Did Randy just hit the nail on the head? I mean, he and I were on the UFO last night, so maybe he knew this story was just a polished turd to keep suspicion down. If anything, maybe he was trying to avoid being crucified for his idea by suggesting a wild conspiracy. I mean, seriously, how would the citizens take it if you told them that it was a real UFO that crashed and that you were escaped from it last night? They'd shack your ass up in the whacko basket, that's what.

Randy's question had all but silenced the room. Everyone looked as though they were mulling over the possibility. I then saw Randy's eyes fall on me. Oh crap, please don't call me out, please don't call me out.

"Thanks for coming, New Kid." Randy sat back down.

"Goddamn-it, Randy." I grimaced.

Out of the corners of my eyes, I could see a lot of the occupants shift around to turn their gazes to me. This included Stephen Stotch, who I ignored as he sneered at me.

"Everyone, this is the new kid whose family just moved into town. We've become very close friends." Randy beckoned me to move forward. "His name is… what's your name?"

"Aw, Randy, you're breaking my balls man. Breaking them." I shook my head.

Come on, man. You just made yourself look bad by forgetting my name, and to top it off, you friended me on Facebook this morning. What is this, amateur hour?

"My name is Johnny Earnhardt," I said loud enough for everyone to hear.

Some murmurs went through the crowd, but quickly died.

"Well, anyway, Johnny and I witnessed something last night, and I'd like for you to hear his story," Randy continued before turning to me again. "Go ahead, Johnny."

Randy, I like you dude, but that was probably the stupidest thing you could have done. Now I had to try and piece together a BS story to make it somewhat believable and avoid drawing more attention to me and Randy. I only shook my head vehemently as a response while I continued trying to conjure a lie.

"Tell them, you know, about all the- go ahead. Tell 'em that stuff." Randy looked around nervously.

I remained silent. There was nothing I could say to make it believable without it sounding like something you'd see in a tabloid magazine. Randy looked as though he was about to speak again, but stopped when Stephen Stotch stood up and started to protest. Wow, I never thought I would be thankful of the man.

"This is a waste of everyone's time! If the PTA isn't going to do something about Taco Bell taking over, then the rest of us parents will!" Stephen shouted.

The crowd got up and cheered in agreement. Voices filled the room as everyone started to file out of the community center. It was now completely empty save for the five that remained on the table. Talk about being saved by the bell, or in this case, the asshole parent. This would make my job of getting that picture so much easier.

The board members got up from their seats and started to walk around to stretch their legs. My eyes looked upon the front of the table and hurried to it. Get the picture, get the hell out. Just as I was about to put the sign on it, Randy intercepted me and grabbed the sign.

"Look, I know how you're feeling, okay? But this isn't going to solve anything!" He shook the sign.

"Dude, you don't even want to know what I think." I crossed my arms.

Randy knelt down to meet me at eye level. I was still a little mad at him for calling me out and almost revealing our encounter with the aliens last night.

"We've got to get inside that Taco Bell and find out what's really going on. Help me with that, and I'll help you with this." Randy held the sign up.

I'm sure I just had my first mini stroke. What was supposed to be quick and easy was once again being dragged on by another string of wacky favors. Even though I was mad beyond belief, I was now intrigued. The only question was how were we going to get inside a military controlled area?

"I saw the way you handled those aliens on the ship. You have pretty good control over your farts," Randy said.

Oh, are you fucking kidding me? If this was going the way it was, Randy was going to teach me a new trick with farts. Jesus, I'm a walking freak show. Forget midgets, bearded ladies, and the world's strongest woman. Presenting Fart Boy! Not only can he fart and hit a target from ten feet away, he can also throw them like grenades, blow them like sweet kisses and manipulate their movements to detonate wherever he wants them!

"Meet me in the bathroom. It's time for you to learn some real power." Randy stood up and walked to the bathroom.

"Okay, if I didn't know him already, I'd say he was going to rape me." I walked after him. "That's shadier than the classic, 'Hey kid, do you want some candy?' line."

I entered the bathroom and closed the door behind me. When I looked back at the stalls, I saw Randy was wearing a karate uniform with a black belt. What was this, another crappy Karate Kid sequel? Alright Sensei Marsh, show me this power.

"I can tell you have potential, but you are undisciplined. Let me show you what I mean," Randy said, sinking down into a fighting stance.

Oh shit, Randy actually had moves? This I had to see.

"Come at me. Try and fart on me! Come on!" Randy beckoned.

Okay, I spoke too soon. Fart on you? Seriously? Here I was hoping we'd learn something cool like Krav Maga. Hey, a kid can dream. I shook my head and turned around. I let loose a small fart at Randy, but he stepped aside and shoved it away.

"See that? Your fart's over there somewhere. Didn't come close." Randy pointed towards the stalls. "So… what do you do when people can block your farts?"

Hell if I know. I usually just plug my nose or leave the area. I don't want the smell of shit and sulfur lodged in my nasal passage.

Randy continued to tell me over this new fart power. Evidently there was a way to control my farts to move and release them at a specific time and place. The fart was call the Sneaky Squeaker. Although the name was a little funny, I found it farfetched to control a fart like that. At least until Randy demonstrated it. He put some space between us, did a jump and I heard a very squeaky pitch. It got weirded when Randy started blowing, pushing and pulling with his hands. Just when I was about to leave, I heard a loud fart rip from behind me.

"What the fuck?" I turned to look where it came from.

Big mistake. Whack! Wham! Slap! I was so distracted by the fart that I let my guard down. Randy charged me and hit me with a light punch, a kick and a slap. If I wasn't in pain right now, I would be livid, but in all honesty, that was pretty cool.

"You see that? I distracted you. Distracting your opponents is key to battle." Randy folded his arms.

"Well, you got me good." I rubbed my cheek.

"Okay, you try. Make your fart detonate behind me."

I stopped rubbing my cheek and concentrated. My stomach pushed whatever gas I had at the moment towards my butt. I mimicked Randy's technique. A small squeak met my ears as I released the fart and out of the corner of my eye I could see the contaminated air. Remembering what Randy did, I blew with my mouth and lightly pushed my hands until the fart was past Randy and near the stalls. I released the power and the fart echoed around the bathroom. A small smirk came to my face. That was some Jedi shit right there.

The bathroom door opened and Mackey entered the bathroom.

"Oh, hey guys. Mkay," Mackey said, walking over to the urinal.

"Mister Mackey." Randy nodded.

Once Mackey was doing his business at the urinal Randy nodded at him. He wanted me to do it again. I repeated the process that Randy taught me and heard the fart detonate to Mackey's left by the first stall. It got the reaction that Randy was hoping for.

"Hey, did you guys hear that? Sounded like a chipmunk…" Mackey zipped up his fly and went to search where my fart landed.

I shook my head in disbelief when Randy ran at him and dropkicked him in the back of the head.

"Kyaaa!" Randy roared.

"Oh Jesus." I rolled my eyes.

"Very, very good. Now use what I taught you inside that Taco Bell. Find out what they're up to and report back here."

"Whatever."

Just when I was about to depart the bathroom, Randy stopped me once more.

"And no matter what happens… never fart on anyone's balls. You got that?"

"Goddamn-it, I got it the first time I was told!" I replied.

"All right. Now go."

I exited the community center to see Stan and Jimmy were fiddling on their cell phones. They looked up at me and put them away. When they learned that we were going to check out the new Taco Bell, they were not thrilled about it. They wanted to get the photo for the goth kids and get back to the Elf King with them, but soon realized that it was pointless unless we did this. They agreed to tag along, albeit reluctantly, and we made our way north to where the mall used to be.


This would be a problem. Not only was the area heavily guarded by military personnel, but a lot of the townsmen were there too. The only way we would be getting in at this rate would be after curfew. Not wanting to tap out, I worked my way towards the crowd with Stan and Jimmy. Helicopters flew overhead keeping watch on the site.

We managed to get near the front row and saw a government agent come up to the crowd.

"Folks, there's nothing to be concerned with here. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is going on. We're simply getting ready for the grand opening of the Taco Bell," he said.

Cool story. I mean, forget the giant UFO wreckage and the destroyed mall behind the fence. Clearly this is just like a Super Target, except this time it's just a Super Taco Bell. Shit, it may even have a KFC attachment when it's all done. In all honesty, I'd rather have KFC. Taco Bell was great if you wanted free diarrhea. Nothing's better than fast food that makes you shit ten minutes after you eat it. 'Merica!

"The new Taco Bell will be opening soon, very big Taco Bell. It's gonna be open in a few weeks. Thank you," the agent continued.

Hey, looks like I'm one for one today. Let's see if I can go two for two. If someone questions this guy, something crazy and illogical will happen. I mean, I've seen so much crazy stuff in the past twenty-four hours, it's just bound to happen.

"Uh, will this Taco Bell be serving enchiritos?" As man asked.

"What?" The agent replied.

"Well is it going to be a full menu Taco Bell, or is it going to be one of those Taco Bell and KFC combos?"

Props to this guy. That was a solid question. I mean, business is rough. You want to sell to as much people as possible. Limiting the market could really hurt you as a businessman. The agent said nothing and turned around.

"We've got a guy out here asking a lot of questions," he said into his radio.

"Just stick to the script as laid out in the protocol," his boss replied.

"But he wants to know if the Taco Bell will have enchiritos or not, sir."

"Damn-it, we don't have a contingency for that… Michaels isolate and neutralize the threat."

The agent turned back around to face the man who asked him the question. While he let the man ramble, his teammate would get into position to silence him.

"Look, it's a simple question. If this is gonna be a huge Taco Bell, will it serve enchiritos? I think we have the right to know…" The man continued.

A small clap met my ears through the helicopter blades. Now, being a guy that played a lot of first person shooters on Xbox as well as firing guns myself, I knew the sound of a high powered, semi-automatic rifle. And one just went off. The man who was talking was suddenly on the ground with a large hole in his head. Entry and exit wound. Talk about a clean kill.

"Mark?" The man's wife asked, kneeling down by him.

Marky Mark's dead, lady.

"Folks we know you're all very excited, but for your safety we ask you stay clear of the construction site." The agent smiled.

The crowd dispersed seconds later, leaving me, Stan and Jimmy with the dead man and his wife, who for some reason was still trying to talk to him. Dismissing the image of the dead man from my mind, I returned my focus to the sealed off crash site. For a security detail, it was not that heavy. There was only one entrance and there were two guards outside the gate.

"You ready to go in?" I asked Jimmy and Stan.

"W-w-w-what? You're going i-in there?" Jimmy stuttered out.

"Uh, yeah. So are you two ladies coming or are you gonna' puss out again?"

Stan and Jimmy exchanged looks, but ultimately agreed to follow me to the gate. We stopped just shy of the guards and hid behind the Humvees. The gate was open and I had the perfect distraction to get inside. I concentrated and loose a small, squeaky fart. The fart travelled until it was on the other side of the Humvee. It burst loudly and got the attention of the two guards.

"Let's go, quick!" I hurried from behind the Humvee and to the gate.

"F-f-f-fuck this! I'm heading back to the Elf King." Jimmy hurried the other way.

Fine. One less guy to deal with, the better. Stan had followed me inside and we hid behind a nearby trailer. There was one more guard in front of the door to the main building. Going in through the front even after distracting the guard was a bad idea. There were probably more behind it. Giving the area another look around, my eyes fell on a satellite dish. Next to it was one of those probe interactors from the UFO.

"Follow me and don't say a word," I muttered to Stan.

"Whatever," Stan answered back.

We crept up to the open armored truck where the guard was and hid by the side. I let loose another Sneaky Squeaker and released it inside the truck. Just like the guards before, it got the attention of the lone guard outside the door. Once I heard his feet stop moving in the truck, I grabbed Stan, ran to the door and focused the probe to synchronize with the interactor. My body tingled and we both vanished and appeared a second later on top of the roof.

"What the hell just happened?" Stan looked around in surprise.

"I just pulled a Houdini. That's what." I walked over to the vent shaft.

After I pulled the grate off the vent, I motioned for Stan to follow me inside. The two of us slid down the vent, surprisingly quiet and came to a stop. We followed the shaft down until we came to another grate. Peering through the grate, we could see a bunch of guards and government men inside. We stayed quiet to listen in on their conversation.

"So far we have been unable to stop the UFO from releasing toxic waste. We've contained all that we can, but there can be no guarantees that an outbreak will not occur," one agent spoke.

The agent at the head of the table, who I assumed was the boss, asked another question. My mind wandered for a minute as I looked at the eyepatch wearing man. For some reason, although I don't know why, he looked familiar. Why the hell was that coming back to me at a time like this? I shook my head and focused on the conversation again.

"And does the alien liquid appear to have the same effect as… last time?" The boss asked.

"I'm afraid so. When the alien waste reacts with organic material on Earth it turns things into… Nazi Zombies," another agent answered.

Son of a bitch. So that's why those cows appeared as though they came from the weirdest level of hell. But of all things, what a zombie? Furthermore, and more specifically, why a Nazi Zombie? Huh, maybe they visited Germany back during WWII and experiment on the Nazis, which could have caused some freak mutation in the toxic. Forget it, this was making my head hurt.

The agents all turned to the wall as it opened. It revealed a tightly sealed room with a sickly looking man inside. The man had a swastika band around his arm and he was speaking German. I'm not sure what he was saying, but I felt like I heard those words before in a documentary.

"Here we go again." An agent rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair.

The boss of their group got up and walked to the window. He stopped in front of it and glared at the zombie with his lone eye.

"Goddamn-it. I am so tired of Nazi Zombies. It's so overused." The boss grumbled.

I will agree with him on that one. Nazi Zombies was fun when first introduced in that Call of Duty game, but now it's like beating a dead horse.

"If the wrong person gets their hands on that green toxin, it could totally spread and give us a big problem," an agent noted.

The boss nodded and walked to the other side of the room where a whiteboard was. On the board there was a detailed map of South Park and the UFO crash site. The boss pulled out a marker and began scribbling on the board.

"All right, we're going to have to completely obliterate everything in a three block radius." The boss circled the entirety of the map.

Obliterate everything in a three block radius? That's the majority of the downtown area.

"Find locations for the bombs and bury it all. Then make up a fake story about an earthquake," the boss continued. "We can contain the outbreak this time if we act quickly enough."

This guy was good. He knew how to create a good lie to keep the truth hidden. But after hearing everything he said, it just made my head hurt more. This happened before? Where? Why does it all sound so familiar to me and why was my head hurting like crazy? I rubbed my temples to sooth the pain I was feeling. I was glad that everyone was leaving the room so I could leave, the picture for the goths and get some aspirin.

"Everything we just talked about has been recorded onto this tape. I'm going to leave it alone here for a few minutes, then come back and have it encrypted and locked away so nobody ever hears what was said in this meeting," an agent said, departing the room.

Although that bit of information made my job so much easier, it also made my head throb again. Too much stupidity in such a short amount of time. Once the room was cleared, I kicked the grate open and jumped down with Stan. I hurried over to the table and grabbed the tape and pocketed it.

"You sure that's a good idea?" Stan asked. "What if they come back and catch us?"

"It's an awesome idea. That guy was a retard for leaving it behind, so this will help him learn." I smirked.

A loud crash came from behind the shut doors. Screams filled the hall and I shared a quick look with Stan. That did not sound good at all. It was there that I noticed that the zombie was no longer in the room. Putting the pieces together, I turned back to the door just in time to see the zombie break through it. Behind the zombie there were three zombie soldiers aiming their guns at us.

"Get behind something!" I jumped behind a filing cabinet.

Gunfire filled the room. We were up shit creek without a paddle. I was cursing myself for losing the ray guns I had on the UFO the night before. This would be the best place to have them. I peeked around the cabinet, but retreated when a shot ricocheted off the side. Jesus, what could I… wait a minute! That's it!

My hands scrambled inside my pocket for the rosary that Jesus gave me earlier. Once I found the small cross, I pulled it out of my pocket and grinned. Let's see if this really worked. I waited for the gunfire to stop and saw the zombies creep further inside. Summoning my courage, I jumped out from behind the cabinet and held the rosary up high.

"May the power of Christ compel you, bitch!" I smirked.

The cross gleamed and a loud crash filled the room. Jesus burst through the ceiling and I had to do a double take at what happened next. He pulled out a large M60 machine gun and opened fire on the zombies in front of us. When Jesus stopped firing, the zombies were on the ground, utterly mutilated. The bullets had torn them to shreds.

"Thanks, Jesus! That was awesome!" I waved.

"You're welcome, my son." Jesus nodded. "If you need my help again, don't be afraid to give me a call."

The M60 he was holding vanished in a flash of light. Jesus pulled out a pair of black shades, put them on and shot through the hole he came from in the ceiling. Only Jesus could have that level of swag.

Stan walked over to me with his eyes still looking at the ceiling. He appeared to be at a loss for words.

"Out of all the times I've seen Jesus, that was coolest one," Stan said.

"Same. Now, let's get out of here." I hurried to the exit.


Before we arrived back at the community center, I ended up stealing two things from the government site. The first was the tape recorder, and the second was a SWAT vest. I ended up putting that on top of my normal outfit and felt a lot safer than before. Let's see one of those zombies try shooting me now!

Once again, Stan left me to go inside alone. I hurried over to Randy and handed him the tape recorder I stole. The rest of the community board gathered around us to listen to what was on it.

"So what was recorded on this?" Randy pressed down on the play button.

"Did they say anything?" Misses Broflovski asked.

"What kind of Taco Bell is it going to be?" Principal Victoria added.

"See for yourself," I replied. "By the way, do any of you have an aspirin? My head's killing me."

I thanked Randy after he handed me the medicine. While I was taking the medicine, the adults listened to the recording. Randy stopped the recording after it mentioned the obliteration of everything within three blocks.

"What?" Mister Garrison shook his head in disbelief.

Randy got up and walked to the front of the table after pressing the play button again. It continued with the next step of leveling the blocks with explosives and creating a fake story about an earthquake being the cause. Randy stopped the recording again, looking as though he was at a loss for words. Looking around, everyone appeared to be in the same boat.

"They're just going to blow up three blocks?" Victoria asked.

"Sons of bitches." Randy shook his head. "You sons of bitches!"

"What gives them the right?" Garrison looked at each of us.

The reality of the situation seemed to hit them hard. This was the government talking about leveling our town. My town. I just got here and I was in no hurry to move just yet.

"I knew there was more to this. It's not just a simple Taco Bell we're dealing with…" Randy said, turning to face us again.

Of course it wasn't a simple Taco Bell. So now the next thing we needed to do was come up with a plan to stop it.

"It's the most massive Taco Bell ever built. You see, ever since the whole Doritos Locos Tacos thing, Taco Bell thinks they can do whatever they want."

And, I don't care anymore. Every time I think these guys are making progress in learning and using their brains, they somehow surprise me. I'm sure Taco Bell has better things to do than hire big government agents to level a town to create a giant restaurant in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. Whatever. All that mattered to me now was Randy's end of the bargain.

"Well, not here! Not in our town!" Victoria stood up.

Randy pocketed the tape recorder and pulled out the sign by a nearby table. Well, at least he was honest about holding the deal. He handed me the sign and let me get into position in front of the board.

"You've done well, New Kid. We're not going to let Taco Bell win. I'll take that picture you wanted now of you with the PTA." Randy pulled out his phone.

A lone click sounded like music to my ears. Now that that was done, it was time to return to the goth kids. I felt my phone vibrate as Randy sent me the photo over Facebook. I never ran faster in my entire life.

The second I burst through the doors, Stan jumped in surprise and followed me back towards the school.


This whole process of Déjà vu was getting ridiculous. I entered the goth's hangout area with the clothes on like I did earlier. Trudging over to them, I pulled out my phone and showed them the picture Randy sent me. It was a little amusing to see them look surprised at the photo.

"Whoa, he did it." Pete looked back at Henrietta, Firkle, and Michael.

"Nice." Henrietta nodded.

"Yeah, but he's still not goth. He'll have to pass the final test." Michael blew out more smoke.

Another test? Oh, that's it. Someone's gonna' die! If they were going to send me on another walk around town, heads were coming off.

"You may look goth, Frodo, but can you dance goth?" Michael asked me.

"I can handle any dance you give me," I answered confidently.

Pete went over to the radio that was nearby and pressed play. A beat began to echo through the speakers and I pulled out the coffee and the cigarettes I had from earlier. It was time to stomp my anger out. Pete gave my cigarette a light and I took a long drag.

I felt the sick taste hit my mouth and the burning in my lungs itched like no tomorrow, but I hung tough. The smoke left my mouth a second later and I took a sip of coffee, all the while bobbing my head and switching my feet when they stomped. The fast the beat got, the faster I moved. Each stomp let out the anger I had for the day. Getting jumped by the elves. Stomp. Getting threatened by the Elf King. Stomp. Playing errand boy for the goths and community. Stomp.

I took a longer drag from the cigarette and blew another stream into the air above me. The coffee drowned the taste of ash when I took another gulp.

"I'm feeling the rage," Pete said as he watched my movements.

"Yeah. Did you see that apathy combo?" Henrietta commented.

The beat came to a stop and I finished the rest of the coffee. I did not look back at the goth kids, but I listened to what they may say.

"What do you think?" Pete asked.

"He's pretty goth- he's pretty goth, right?" They all agreed.

"Yeah. That was pretty good." Henrietta nodded.

"I felt his pain," Firkle said, glancing at me.

That wasn't pain. That was the anger of Johnny Fucking Earnhardt!

"All right, New Kid, you have officially proved yourself," Pete said.

"Yeah. Just tell us where you need us, and we'll be there." Michael sighed.

Finally! My phone vibrated and I checked it to see friend request from the goth kids. Now that this was done, I could get on with my day. But this is where it got weird. I now had to make a choice that involved bringing the goths to Eric and keeping my alliance with him, or taking them to Kyle and destroying my alliance with Eric, Butters and the rest. As I mulled it over while me and Stan walked out of the gate, he turned back to look at me.

"All right, New Kid. I will return to the Elf King that we were successful with the goths. Come back when you're ready to go." Stan walked off.

I stood there for what felt like forever as I tried to come to a decision. Whatever happened from here on out could not be taken back. Any friendships that I had on either the elf side or the human side would be broken with this choice. After mulling it over, I made up my mind. I pulled out my phone and texted the person with my answer.

"I'm on my way back. The goth kids are on our side."

I tucked my phone away and began my trek back to my allies.


That's the chapter, everybody. I hope you all enjoyed it, and I'm sorry for the very long wait. Who has Johnny sided with and how will things progress from there? Tune in next time to find out! Anyway, I'll update again later. Take it easy. -CaptainPrice

Statements/Answers:

1.) To those of you who are still reading and are looking for an explanation as to why I did not post... well, to put it simply, plagiarism. I found out that one of my readers who read this story made their own Stick of Truth story. Now, I don't have a problem with that, but what I did have a problem with was that I read each chapter and found bits and pieces, and even exact copy pastes from my story in theirs. Now although that story has not been updated in a while and that person is farther than I am in it, I chose not to update just in case it happened again. In all honesty, when you have to stoop that low to make a story by copying someone's work for a game that's already been done and it's easy to twist things around enough in your own words, that's sad.

2.) I received an anonymous review recently asking me to add a fem reader and to put a lemon sequence between her and Johnny. Answer: No. Not only is that against site rules that can land me in hot water, this is a story with kids as characters, so that's the equivalent of child pornography.