Chapter 11

L looked up from his reading from the file as his computer beeped letting him know someone was trying to reach him. He reached over and opened the connection.

"This is L.," he answered,

"Yes, L. I have information for you that you requested on the museum case." A male voice answered. It was his Japanese contact, finally.

"I would hope so or you would be wasting my time. What is it?" L answered, knowing that even masked by the voice synthesizer the contact would know he was not in the best of moods and be quick about his information.

"Your reservations about squeaky clean Kazuhiko Akihyama were right on the money, L. He's been playing more underhanded tricks and paying off more people than you can imagine."

"You have no idea what I can imagine, please continue."

"It seems that every step of his illustrious career is made of out someone else's hide. He's had people removed, some permanently, in order to take their place, he has paid off even more, relocated several, and all in the name of rising to the top of the museum world. I don't really understand why that's such a big deal…"

"There are many other avenues open to a top museum curator/administrator. They travel to many places, they meet dignitaries and world leaders under the auspices of art and culture. If this gentleman is as good at buying off people and making people disappear as you say, it would not be a long stretch to think he can do it elsewhere and for other reasons. He must have ties everywhere he has travelled. The ultimate answer is what is he trying to achieve by setting up the theft of the Egyptian artifacts. Please continue to look into this and let me know immediately." He broke the connection and leaned back in his chair, thumb against his lips and thought. Obviously he need a little more information about Akihyama before finalizing any thoughts he might have, but he did have a theory. He would need to know if there was a position in the actual government that he might have been going for, and had he been turned down. That would be reason enough for someone as aggressive as he to decide to strike at the very body that turned him down. He obviously was very used to getting what he wanted and it didn't set well if he didn't. L blinked as the description sounded slightly familiar and then went past it.

While he waited for his Egyptian contact to get in touch with him, he began to do another search on his own on Ashwaf Amar. It was almost too easy to consider him as someone who had received terrorist training; there were too many holes in his whereabouts too often. He didn't seem to be trying to hide that he seemed to simply disappear for a while; but he never explained his absences either. L imagined that made him even more desirable for the security position, he'd be able to notice things that others wouldn't. That also meant he could create things that others would not notice as well. The question for him then was why would he be willing to work with Akihyama and do his bidding if indeed he was involved in the taking of those artifacts. Did Akihyama have something on him…or did they reach a mutual understanding about something they both wanted?

As if on cue, L's computer beeped again and he realized it was his Middle East operative.

"This is L."

"L, you're going to be very interested in what I discovered."

"Please continue, then."

"Ashwaf Amar has been spending all of his free time in Afghanistan with the Taliban. He has major connections and has been learning as many tricks of the trade as he can. However, his specialty is dirty bombs." L started at the information' dirty bombs were horrific ways to spread terror. The explosion itself could be deadly but what was worse was what came out of the bomb itself. Often it was things such as nails, shattered glass, bullets. anything that if flying at the high speeds of an explosion would cause incredible and horrific bodily damage to anyone in its path. It didn't necessarily kill, but it would definitely maim.

"Have you discovered what his connection could be to Akihyama?"

"Nothing seems to come up except the fact that they've met several times over the planning of the loan of the items. But nothing else personal." L sighed in dissatisfaction.

"Alright, keep at it until you find something. Get back to me as soon as possible." He broke the connection and unfolded out of the chair and began to pace. There was a chunk missing, a chunk that he had to figure out soon. If the missing items had already been spirited out of the country, it was possible they were going to be used either as ransom or perhaps their destruction would be threatened in order to bring someone, or something to their knees. Enough time had passed so that the items could have left the country, but he still thought the idea of them being too hot to be packed up and moved out was still viable. They could possibly be waiting for the heat to die down before they moved the items; at least he was truly hoping that was the case. It was possible the items themselves would be used as weapons upon their return to the Middle East, then Japan would be blamed for whatever death and destruction that ensued. Who would win in that kind of scenario? That was what didn't make sense to him. Who would get something worth starting all of this?

This would require ground work. He would have Light pay Akihyama a visit tomorrow; he would know how to handle this delicately without alerting him that they were actually investigating him. He looked over the email he received from Soichiro. Well actually it was sent to Watari, no one knew his email. It listed 4 names that Soichiro had recommended. L then tapped into the NPA's database and checked them out. Well he checked out three of them, he already was well acquainted with Matsuda. He smiled as he remembered hearing Matusda offer his services when he had his meeting with them. He knew he would have him on the team; Matsuda wasn't stupid. Too many of his co-workers confused enthusiastic optimism as stupidity for some reason. His naiveté could get annoying, but it was also refreshing, it sometimes opened doors that hardened people could no longer see. He needed Matsuda on his team. Besides, Matsuda would be the only one who knew he and Light were a couple; it made him feel he had inside information and that always made him feel special. Matsuda needed to feel special once in a while, L felt. His mind flew back to what he'd said; he and Light were a couple. He sighed, even when trying not to think about him he thought about him. He felt that pressure start in his chest again, that he felt before at Light's graduation. It wasn't fair; he never had this difficulty before Light. His mind would stay on track and not move until he wanted it to, and now….now it derailed so often he had to work to keep it on track.

He stopped pacing long enough to go for more coffee. It was Light's fault, all this craziness in his mind. He knew that a long time ago but only consciously started thinking about it recently. Before Light came into his life everything worked like clockwork. He worked when and as long as he wanted, there was no one else to think about, it was just he and Watari and Watari knew what L needed and wanted and never got in the way. But Light…Light WAS in the way, making demands on his time that he shouldn't have to deal with. He was L, what he was doing was important to many people, hundreds of people, much more important than…than…making sure he was available for dinner.

He could feel anger rising within him, anger and….what was that…resentment? Yes, he resented Light for making him have to deal with things he never had to before; everything was orderly and perfect before, why did Light have to come into his life and just blow everything he knew away? Maybe what was happening was for the better. Without Light he could get back to the way things were, the way he used to run things and make sure everything was just as he wanted it, when he wanted it. Light Yagami had just made everything…he stopped thinking and threw the coffee cup he had in his hand against the wall so hard it shattered into uncountable pieces. He hadn't even realized that his breathing had increased to the point where he was gasping huge amounts of air, that lump in his chest was building up into a huge ball of pressure, his hands balling into fists and slamming down onto the desk scattering papers across it.

What was wrong with him? How could he think being without Light was better in any possible way? The pressure in his chest finally broke; erupting with such pain through him he cried out and slumped to the floor, falling to his knees. A huge sob racked his body as his mind went over everything he had just thought. Could he possibly resent Light, the man he loved with ever fiber of his being simply because he had changed his life? Isn't that part of the reason WHY he loved him? It may have been simpler in some ways, but it was like living in the dark, always happily staying in one place because you knew nothing else, and when someone turns on the light, you're upset because you now have to make decisions of where to go because now you can see different ways to go. He now understood what was wrong, what had been hiding inside him all this time and he was so ashamed of himself.

The door to his office flew open as Watari came running in. He had heard the breaking of glass and had immediately turned on his monitors to hear L cry out and slump to his knees. He made sure Light hadn't heard anything and was still sleeping, turned off the monitors and ran out to L's apartment. He ran to his ward and kneeled down beside him, reaching out to see if he was all right. L jerked away and looked up at him, an expression of anguish and anger mixed on his face and in his eyes, his body shaking with the effort to stop the sobs that were escaping.

"L what has happened? Have you cut yourself?" he began to look over L's body to see if the crash he heard had caused any injury to him. When he was satisfied there was none, he once again looked at L who had not said a word yet. He reached out and touched his face, hoping to get something from him. L backed away from his hand and continued to stare at him.

"You have to talk to me and tell me what has happened, L you're beginning to worry me!" Watari pleaded and to his relief L finally fell forward and against his chest.

"I…I know what's wrong, Watari I've been such a fool!' he cried out in between sobs, his chest heaving with each one.

"Alright, L this is a good thing, then. You need to relax and get control of yourself." Watari told him and held him for a few minutes while he did just that.

"I'm so ashamed of myself, I can't believe I was thinking what I was about Light, how could I?" L asked, the sobs now stopped, and replaced with pure anguish.

"Tell me what you discovered. Is it how you feel about Light?" L wiped his eyes, now embarrassed about his behavior as well as everything else.

"I resent him for what he's done to my life, can you believe that? For the exact same reasons that I love him and need him, I resent him. How can that be possible?" Watari smiled at his troubled ward.

"Because you're afraid, L. As much as you love Light you're afraid as well. You are afraid that now you've let him in, that you depend on him and he's now a necessary part of your life, your insecurities about the relationship are causing these feelings of resentment. You're trying to steel yourself because you think eventually he's going to leave you and you want to be ready. If you tell yourself this whole thing is wrong, was a problem from the start, you won't blame yourself when it falls apart. L- Light is NOT going to leave you, unless you force him. You have no reason to feel guilty about your feelings of resentment, in a very real way he has brought chaos into your world, but it is a welcome chaos is it not?" L blinked and then nodded his head. It was a welcome chaos; he simply had to work within it.

"I was blaming him for not being able to be L when I wanted to, for having to think of his feelings. I'm not used to this, Watari..even after all this time."

"Yes, well you haven't really had to. He followed you to Whammy's, did exactly as you wanted, blended into your world. You didn't have to do a thing, give up a thing, except maybe some time. He waited on you. Then you changed everything, moved back here to do what HE wanted to do. You had to give up the familiarity of living and working where you grew up, you gave up the time you wanted to spend with him because he was busy day and night, he no longer was waiting on you, you were waiting on him. Ofcourse you felt resentment, this was something totally alien to you." L took a deep breath and then pulled himself up, put his hands in his pockets and continued to stare at Watari as he also got to his feet.

"And now what do I do? This is like a poisoned barrier I've put up." Watari shook his head.

"Not any more, now that you've admitted it to yourself. There is no relationship in the world in which one person doesn't resent the other at some point. There is so much sacrifice in keeping a relationship working it's just natural. You simply have to realize it and make sure it doesn't get in the way. Now that you know it, deal with it. Realize that it is natural and then throw it away. Yes, you have to change a few things in the way that you are L. There's nothing wrong with reserving time for doing your cases and telling Light this is your time to work and he has to find something else to do. I don't think that's going to be a problem anymore with him working now, he's not going to be bored anymore. And at the same time, L when he asks to do something with you, your attention belongs to him then. If something comes up and peaks your attention, write a note to follow up on it later, but don't let it over take you. You're right, you now have to think of someone else's feelings, you can't just go dashing off like it's just you. It isn't anymore. I think you're very glad about that, and would have no problem in making these adjustments. Just get rid of the guilt. If this was anyone else but you and Light, you would see this for what it was."

L stood quietly for a few moments, surprised at how easily he was breathing now, that knot in his chest now completely gone. He felt ridiculous and stupid; he was living proof of not being able to see the forest for the trees. He felt blood rushing to his cheeks as he went over how foolish he had been.

"I apologize for being so ridiculous, Watari, I should have known better."

"That's one of the problems with being in love L, it makes you stupid." L looked at him in wide-eyed surprise and they both laughed.

"I think I'm ready to talk to Light about this now, let him know that I did what he asked." Watari nodded.

"Give him time to do the same thing. I don't believe he has had his epiphany yet. " L's head cocked to one side as he eyed his guardian closely.

"Obviously you are in contact with Light, so please let him know that I have figured out my problem and am taking care of it. Also, tell him that I love him." Watari nodded.

"I will, but he already knows the second part. " he looked around the room and found the source of the breaking sounds he heard. "I will be back in a few minutes to clear that up, stay away from it so you don't get glass in your feet." He warned and after patting L's face with his hand he walked towards the door. Just as he reached it he turned and smiled at L.

"It would be good if you both remember that I'm not getting any younger, and you two are certainly hastening the aging process these days. So the faster you both straighten this out, the better for me." He stated and then left. L couldn't help but smile at that and tell himself once again he didn't know where he would be without Watari, actually he did know, he would be lost. He turned back to his desk, sat down and began to rearrange his papers. He now felt confident he would get Light back, and keep him.