A/N: Hey people. Okay, so I guess it's going to be on Sundays now. This episode is very necessary for future seasons, so burn it into your brains. Last Week's Question of the Week winner is Molly. Congrats! New one this week.
P.S. (Too lazy.)
~IlluminatiGirl
Season Nine, Episode Eleven
We Meet Again
IN MICHELLE AND STEPHANIE'S ROOM
Michelle runs in and slams the door.
STEPH
Oh come on, Michelle! I'm good at this!
MICHELLE
Stephanie, you are not giving me a make-over!
STEPH
Why not?
MICHELLE
Because I want my face to remain in one piece.
STEPH
I promise, you'll be fine.
MICHELLE
Really? 'Cause I've heard unsettling stories about
a young man who unfortunately got his hair chopped
off by a certain six-year-old hairdresser.
STEPH
That was seven years ago! I'm much better now!
MICHELLE
No!
STEPH
You owe me!
MICHELLE
Why do I owe you?
STEPH
Uh...I don't know yet, but I'll find something.
You might as well pay me back now.
MICHELLE
Why do you even want to give me a make-over?
STEPH
I'm going to Talia King's slumber party on Saturday
and I don't want to look like an amateur.
Michelle sighs.
MICHELLE
Fine. But if you mess up, I get to punch you.
STEPH
Sure.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
The doorbell rings.
Jesse runs over to open the door.
WENDY
Hey, Katsopolis.
JESSE
Ah! Wendy! Wha- what are you doing back here?
WENDY
Back here? When was I ever here?
JESSE
I don't know, like three, four years ago? What do you want?
WENDY
I don't want anything. I'm here to see my family.
JESSE
Danny! Get your butt down here!
Danny runs downstairs.
DANNY
Wendy! Hey!
He hugs her.
DANNY
You've grown up so much!
WENDY
What, since I was twenty-nine? Gee thanks.
DANNY
So what brings you here?
WENDY
Oh, well, I've got some news. Where are my nieces?
DANNY
Hold on. Stephanie! Michelle! Come down here!
WENDY
Where's D.J.?
JESSE
She's in college, idiot. She's nineteen.
DANNY
Almost nineteen.
JESSE
Do you really have to make a big thing out of being here?
WENDY
Hey, remember our deal? Just chill.
JESSE
I do remember our deal. We agreed that we'd stay off
each others backs the next time we were in the same room.
And I did that the entire time you stayed over here last!
Doesn't that count for something?
WENDY
You're being a baby.
DANNY
Hold on. What deal?
JESSE
I kind of just explained the whole thing.
DANNY
When did you make that deal?
WENDY
When I left for my tour ten years ago.
DANNY
Oh. That's disappointing. I was hoping you
actually didn't hate each other anymore.
JESSE
We never hated each other. We just couldn't stand each other.
And we still can't, so Wendy, spill your news and leave.
WENDY
Alright, alright. Keep your shirt on.
Becky, Stephanie, Michelle, Nicky and Alex come down.
WENDY
Girls! Hi!
STEPH
Aunt Wendy!
Hugs.
WENDY
My, you've grown up! How long have I been gone?
JESSE
Three years, nine months, two weeks and a day.
WENDY
How-
JESSE
I've been counting every moment of
happiness when you weren't here.
WENDY
You're a jerk. So, Rebecca, are these your boys?
BECKY
Yup.
ALEX
Who are you?
DANNY
Boys, this is your...Dad's sister's husband's sister. Wendy.
WENDY
Okay, I have an announcement-
DANNY
Hold on. Michelle, why are you wearing an apron?
MICHELLE
So I can punch Stephanie.
DANNY
Oh. Okay. Proceed.
WENDY
I got an apartment.
JESSE
Congratulations! Now go away.
DANNY
Really? Where?
WENDY
Here. A few blocks down.
JESSE
What?
WENDY
I'm opening my own animal shelter here in San Fransisco.
JESSE
What?! But- but- what about your travels? What
about your life! Your passion to see the world?
And whatever happened to Ginger?
WENDY
My monkey?
JESSE
No, your edible vegetable root. Yes, your monkey!
WENDY
She's back at my apartment.
DANNY
You've already moved in?
WENDY
Yeah, last week, when I got back from Australia.
And while I was there, I found this.
Wendy reaches into her bag and pulls out a snake.
Jesse yelps.
JESSE
What is that?
WENDY
Carpet Python. Her name's Carmen. Nice huh?
MICHELLE
Cool!
JESSE
You got a snake?
WENDY
Yup.
JESSE
Like, seriously?
WENDY
Yeah...
JESSE
Let me guess...was it lost out there
and all alone? (wink wink)
WENDY
Well, yeah...
JESSE
Wendy. There are millions of stray animals
out there and you cannot take then all in!
WENDY
You got a problem with my snake?
JESSE
Um, yes? It's in my house!
DANNY
My house.
JESSE
And so are you!
DANNY
Still my house.
WENDY
Anyway, where's Joey?
JESSE
Oh, please don't tell me you're still dating Joey...
WENDY
That was years ago!
JESSE
Good, so you won't be around much, right?
WENDY
Actually, I will.
JESSE
Huh?
WENDY
I need a lot of paperwork done, and
I was never any good at that.
JESSE
Right. You failed tenth-grade economics.
WENDY
I got a D-. Not the same thing.
STEPH
You guys went to the same school?
JESSE
Same school? We were in the same
class for thirteen years!
WENDY
Well, not in eleventh grade. We were in separate classes.
STEPH
Ouch.
Joey runs down.
JOEY
Hey! Wendy!
WENDY
Joey!
They hug.
JOEY
What are you doing here?
WENDY
What, a girl can't visit her brother without a reason?
MICHELLE
Not in America.
They all sit down on the couch.
JOEY
What happened to that job you had at the zoo?
WENDY
Oh, I went on tour again. But now I'm back, and I'm
opening an animal shelter here in San Fransisco.
JOEY
Here? That's great!
JESSE
Isn't it? -_-
WENDY
I know! And the best part is I'm moving
here permanently. I wanted to be closer to my family.
JESSE
Ever stop to think that maybe your
family doesn't want to be closer to you?
JOEY
Hey, since you're back, do you maybe want to
try dating again? I mean, we lost touch when you left.
WENDY
Oh, well, I have a boyfriend. All part of my new
permanent lifestyle. I'm trying to settle down.
JESSE
Who?
WENDY
No one you'd know.
JESSE
Okay...
DANNY
So who wants drinks?
JESSE
I'll get them!
DANNY
I'll get them. You stay here and catch up.
Jesse groans.
STEPH
Come on, Michelle. Let's go start your makeover.
JOEY
Just for the record, there are strings
attached to this makeover thing, right?
JESSE
Yeah. I told you about the time she cut my hair. Be careful.
STEPH
Man. A girl makes one mistake.
They go upstairs.
ALEX
Are you Wendy Tanner?
WENDY
Yes I am.
ALEX
I'm Alex Katsopolis.
WENDY
Nice to meet you.
ALEX
My daddy says you're a ho.
BECKY
Uh- Alex...come on, honey, why don't
you go upstairs and play with Nicky.
Nicky and Alex run upstairs.
Wendy gives Jesse a look.
WENDY
Really? You just had to give your children false
impressions of me before I even met them?
JESSE
Oh, relax. They don't even know what it
means. And you have met them before.
WENDY
When they were one!
JESSE
Well, you had your chance.
WENDY
And what gave you the idea to say I was a ho?
JESSE
You were!
WENDY
Oh- look who's talking, Mr. Slept-with-every-single-girl-in-the-school!
JESSE
You dated Roger Dextman!
WENDY
So?
JESSE
Anyone who dated Rog was automatically a slut.
BECKY
That makes no sense.
JESSE
It was high school in the '70s. It was illegal to make sense.
WENDY
Well, it was the same with you!
JESSE
Nuh-uh! With Rog, you were a slut. With me, you were lucky.
WENDY
Oh. That's true. Rats!
JESSE
Too bad you never dated me.
WENDY
You kissed me once, does that count?
JOEY
You kissed her?!
WENDY
In seventh grade.
JOEY
What?!
Danny runs in from the kitchen.
DANNY
Did I hear that right? Jesse kissed Wendy?
JESSE
It was a dare! That idiot Duane dared me!
WENDY
Duane's not an idiot.
Jesse looks at her.
WENDY
I mean wasn't. Duane wasn't an idiot.
JESSE
If you say so.
WENDY
So...who's good at taxes here?
JESSE
Oh, Danny's great at them! He can turn $352 into -$48.17!
WENDY
Huh?
DANNY
Once. That happened once.
JESSE
Wendy. Come on. What do you want from us?
WENDY
What? I told you-
JESSE
You only need help with your taxes? That's all?
WENDY
Well, to be honest...I need money.
DANNY
You do?
WENDY
A small loan.
JESSE
That's what they all say.
WENDY
Just until my business is up and running.
DANNY
Oh...how much?
WENDY
$3000.
DANNY
Oh. Well...
They hear Michelle scream.
DANNY
What the-
They all run upstairs and into Michelle's room.
Michelle is staring at her reflection in the mirror, wide-eyed.
Stephanie is holding a piece of Michelle's hair.
JESSE
Ahh!
Jesse runs over to Michelle and examines her hair.
JESSE
Wha- wha- wha-
JOEY
Take cover. He's gonna blow.
Jesse turns and glares at Stephanie.
STEPH
Oops.
JESSE
You...
DANNY
Okay, alright, it's okay Jess. Take a
deep breath. Come on. In...out...
JESSE
You expect me to breathe right now?!
DANNY
Sorry. Way out of line.
MICHELLE
Uncle Jesse, fix it!
JESSE
Okay. Steph, drop the scissors and back away slowly.
Stephanie obeys.
JESSE
Okay, everybody out. I need to focus. Go on, shoo!
Everybody steps out of the room.
MICHELLE
I would put on some football gear if I were you.
STEPH
Why?
MICHELLE
'Cause you're dead meat.
IN THE KITCHEN
Wendy, Nicky and Alex are in the kitchen.
WENDY
So, boys...what else did your dad tell you about me?
NICKY
He said you're a really bad kisser.
WENDY
Huh! Well then!
ALEX
But Joey told us that's not true.
WENDY
Well, you just tell your father that he's a necrophiliac, okay?
ALEX
Okay.
They go upstairs.
They see everyone standing by Michelle's door, peering inside.
WENDY
What are you-
EVERYONE
Shhh!
WENDY
(whispering) What are you doing?
STEPH
(whispering) We're spying. Duh.
WENDY
Oh. Of course.
She looks inside.
Jesse is busy precisely snipping away at Michelle's hair.
MICHELLE
Are you almost done?
JESSE
Hmm...no.
MICHELLE
How is it?
JESSE
Not good.
MICHELLE
That's the last time I let Stephanie do my hair.
JESSE
Good idea.
STEPH
(whispers) How rude.
NICKY
Wanna see my bug collection?
BECKY
Oh god, no.
NICKY
I was talking to the ho.
BECKY
Do not refer to your Aunt Wendy as 'the ho'.
WENDY
I'd love to, Alex.
NICKY
I'm Nicky.
WENDY
Oh. My mistake.
NICKY
I'll go get them.
Nicky leaves.
WENDY
So how about that loan?
DANNY
Gee, I don't know, Wendy. $3000 is a lot of money.
WENDY
I know, but I'll pay you back. I'll even pay interest if you want.
DANNY
But-
WENDY
Plus, you'll be investing in a good cause. And if I
have a place to keep the animals then I won't be bringing
home monkeys and snakes.
JOEY
You have a snake?
WENDY
Carpet Python.
She takes it out and shows it to him.
Nicky comes back into the hallway.
NICKY
Here they are.
WENDY
Wow, that's a lot of bugs.
NICKY
They're potatoes.
WENDY
Huh?
BECKY
Potato bugs.
WENDY
Right.
NICKY
This one's French Fry. He's the daddy.
Wendy looks.
NICKY
And this is Potato Chip, the mommy.
WENDY
Very nice.
NICKY
And this is-
Suddenly, the snake reaches out and snatches the bug off Nicky's hand, and swallows it.
They all stare at the snake, wide-eyed.
Nicky gapes at the snake and his chin starts to quiver.
BECKY
Oh, Nicky, honey-
Nicky bursts into tears.
BECKY
Oh, honey, it's okay. Don't cry...
Jesse flings open the door.
JESSE
What the heck is going on? What happened to Nicky?
NICKY
The giant worm ate Poutine!
JOEY
Gotta be the weirdest phrase I ever heard.
JESSE
What do you mean? What's poutine?
BECKY
His bug. Wendy's snake ate him. Oh, it's okay, Nick...
NICKY
Why did she eat him?! He's not a real potato...
JESSE
Great, Wendy. Now you made my kid cry.
WENDY
Wha- I- I- wha- what did I do?
Michelle comes out of her room to see what's going on.
STEPH
Michelle, I am so sorry about your hair.
MICHELLE
If this is what you did to Uncle Jesse,
I'm surprised you're still alive.
STEPH
Heh.
IN THE BACKYARD
Everyone is standing around in the backyard.
Nicky gives Jesse a piece of paper.
NICKY
Hey, daddy, did I write this right?
Jesse takes the paper
JESSE
Her liz pootin. He wuz a vere nis bug.
Now hez masht potatos. It's perfect, Nick.
Nicky sticks the sign in the dirt.
STEPH
Um...technically, Poutine doesn't lie
there, he's in Carmen's stomach.
Nicky looks sad.
JOEY
We're honoring a dead bug. We can improvise.
NICKY
Daddy, can you give the eulogy?
JESSE
The- how do you even know what that is?
NICKY
Please?
JESSE
Alright. Uh...well, we are gathered here today to
honor...Poutine. Uh, he was a very special bug...uh- spud- and
um..he will be greatly missed by his potato family.
He was very, um...kind and...dedicated to, uh...well
anyway, rest in peace.
NICKY
Amen.
JESSE
Amen? What TV shows are you watching?
Nicky looks at him.
JESSE
Uh, I mean...Amen.
NICKY
Now let us have a moment of silence.
Nicky puts his hands together in front of him.
JESSE
Oh boy...
The others follow.
They are silent for a moment.
WENDY
(whispers) So...the money?
DANNY
Wendy, you're never gonna learn to fend for
yourself if you always depend on someone.
WENDY
I don't always depend on someone!
DANNY
Remember the time I gave you $1500 for your tour in Africa?
WENDY
Well, I payed you back.
NICKY
We're trying to have a moment of silence.
WENDY
(whispers) Sorry.
They're silent for a moment.
DANNY
I'll only give you the money if you
promise not to pay me back.
WENDY
What? You want me to not pay you back?
DANNY
That's right. I don't want you to owe me anything.
WENDY
Why not?
DANNY
Pretend it's your own. It'll teach you business.
WENDY
How is taking money from someone gonna teach me business?
JOEY
He's offering you free money. Just take it.
Alex turns to Jesse.
ALEX
Daddy, you're a necrophiliac.
JESSE
Excuse me?!
NICKY
Shh!
JESSE
Where did you learn that?!
Wendy whistles casually.
Jesse narrows his eyes at her.
WENDY
What?
JESSE
You teaching my kid bad words?
WENDY
It's not a bad word...it means being
attracted to a dead corpse-
JESSE
Uh, we're trying to have a moment of silence for this
innocent bug that you're snake killed, so...shush.
Michelle groans.
MICHELLE
How long is a moment?
DANNY
So is it a deal?
WENDY
I don't know. You're logic makes no sense,
and I wouldn't feel right taking money from you.
JOEY
I don't see what the problem is. You
want money, he's giving you money.
JESSE
Hey, Alex, come here.
Jesse whispers something in Alex's ear.
ALEX
Aunt Wendy, you're a bibliophile.
WENDY
What? Jess, you know that means someone
who reads a lot of books, right?
JESSE
Oh, well...of course you would know what the word means.
WENDY
Why is that?
JESSE
'Cause you're a bibliophile.
WENDY
Ugh.
NICKY
Alright, the moment of silence is over.
WENDY
Hallelujah.
NICKY
I have now prepared a short two-hour play of the
story of Poutine's life, in his honor, starring Potato Patty as Poutine.
Everybody groans.
NICKY
You may take your seats.
They all reluctantly sit on the ground.
Nicky brings out the jar of bugs and puts them all on the ground.
NICKY
Uh...Patty, you're supposed to be over there,
remember? And guys... you're all supposed to be
in balls...okay hold on-
Nicky screams.
JESSE
Ahh! What-
The bugs all curl up.
NICKY
There we go. Now, we begin the story of Poutine's life,
entitled 'Covered in Gravy; The Story of Poutine'. Enjoy!
Nick sits down.
JESSE
I swear this is a gifted child.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
Everyone is lying around on the couches, when Michelle comes downstairs wearing a helmet.
DANNY
Uh, Michelle, what are you wearing?
MICHELLE
A helmet.
DANNY
I realized. Why?
MICHELLE
Hello? Did you see my hair? I can't walk around like that!
DANNY
Honey, you can't wear a helmet inside. It's too hot.
MICHELLE
It's February.
DANNY
In San Fransisco.
Michelle groans and goes back upstairs.
Danny gives Stephanie a look.
STEPH
Okay, so it happened twice. Give me a break!
Jesse sighs.
JESSE
Alright, Danny. Can you hurry it up with Wendy do she can leave?
DANNY
Wendy, I will give you the money, but you have to keep it. Okay?
JOEY
I'm sorry, but I still see no logic in this deal.
DANNY
And you probably never will. What do you say?
WENDY
Okay. It's a deal. How can I say no to that?
JOEY
Well you certainly tried.
Michelle comes back down wearing a baseball cap.
MICHELLE
There. Is that better?
DANNY
Very.
JESSE
Oh, got one. Wendy, you're an imbecile.
WENDY
A what?
JESSE
I win! We should go to the pool wore often.
Pick up some old-guy slang.
WENDY
You're so immature.
JESSE
You're the one who called me a necrophiliac.
WENDY
I did not, Nicky did.
ALEX
I'm Alex.
WENDY
Right.
BECKY
Can you please not start right now? It's almost
six o'clock and I just spent two hours watching potato bugs
roll around and bump into each other. I'm beat.
WENDY
Oh, is it six o'clock already?
JOEY
5:45.
WENDY
Oh, I better get home. My boyfriend's waiting for me.
DANNY
Ooh...living with your boyfriend. Impressive, sis.
WENDY
Well, we're not living together, per se...but you never know. Maybe soon.
DANNY
Wow. You really are starting to settle down, aren't you?
WENDY
I'm trying.
DANNY
Are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner?
WENDY
I really can't, but thanks. Well, I'll se you guys around.
Now that I live ten minutes away, I can visit whenever I want.
JESSE
Can't wait.
NICKY
And take your snake with you!
JESSE
I'll have some nice long insults for you next time.
WENDY
So will I. Bye Jess.
JESSE
Don't say goodbye to me!
Wendy chuckles and leaves.
NICKY
Well good riddance.
JESSE
Yeah. Good job, Nick, you're catching on.
Danny sighs and rolls his eyes.
MICHELLE
Can I do something I've been meaning to do now?
DANNY
Uh, sure.
Michelle looks at Stephanie and starts chasing after her.
STEPH
Leave me alone! It only happened twice!
JESSE
Watch out. Any one of you could be next
on Stephanie's hair-destruction list.
The others stare at him.
STEPH
Ahh! Michelle! Ow. Come on, leave me alone! Ow! Michelle...
-END TUNE-
Question of the Week: What were Pam and Danny going to name D.J.?
