A/N: Hey people. Okay, so I guess it's going to be on Sundays now. This episode is very necessary for future seasons, so burn it into your brains. Last Week's Question of the Week winner is Molly. Congrats! New one this week.

P.S. (Too lazy.)

~IlluminatiGirl

Season Nine, Episode Eleven

We Meet Again

IN MICHELLE AND STEPHANIE'S ROOM

Michelle runs in and slams the door.

STEPH

Oh come on, Michelle! I'm good at this!

MICHELLE

Stephanie, you are not giving me a make-over!

STEPH

Why not?

MICHELLE

Because I want my face to remain in one piece.

STEPH

I promise, you'll be fine.

MICHELLE

Really? 'Cause I've heard unsettling stories about
a young man who unfortunately got his hair chopped
off by a certain six-year-old hairdresser.

STEPH

That was seven years ago! I'm much better now!

MICHELLE

No!

STEPH

You owe me!

MICHELLE

Why do I owe you?

STEPH

Uh...I don't know yet, but I'll find something.
You might as well pay me back now.

MICHELLE

Why do you even want to give me a make-over?

STEPH

I'm going to Talia King's slumber party on Saturday
and I don't want to look like an amateur.

Michelle sighs.

MICHELLE

Fine. But if you mess up, I get to punch you.

STEPH

Sure.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

The doorbell rings.

Jesse runs over to open the door.

WENDY

Hey, Katsopolis.

JESSE

Ah! Wendy! Wha- what are you doing back here?

WENDY

Back here? When was I ever here?

JESSE

I don't know, like three, four years ago? What do you want?

WENDY

I don't want anything. I'm here to see my family.

JESSE

Danny! Get your butt down here!

Danny runs downstairs.

DANNY

Wendy! Hey!

He hugs her.

DANNY

You've grown up so much!

WENDY

What, since I was twenty-nine? Gee thanks.

DANNY

So what brings you here?

WENDY

Oh, well, I've got some news. Where are my nieces?

DANNY

Hold on. Stephanie! Michelle! Come down here!

WENDY

Where's D.J.?

JESSE

She's in college, idiot. She's nineteen.

DANNY

Almost nineteen.

JESSE

Do you really have to make a big thing out of being here?

WENDY

Hey, remember our deal? Just chill.

JESSE

I do remember our deal. We agreed that we'd stay off
each others backs the next time we were in the same room.
And I did that the entire time you stayed over here last!
Doesn't that count for something?

WENDY

You're being a baby.

DANNY

Hold on. What deal?

JESSE

I kind of just explained the whole thing.

DANNY

When did you make that deal?

WENDY

When I left for my tour ten years ago.

DANNY

Oh. That's disappointing. I was hoping you
actually didn't hate each other anymore.

JESSE

We never hated each other. We just couldn't stand each other.
And we still can't, so Wendy, spill your news and leave.

WENDY

Alright, alright. Keep your shirt on.

Becky, Stephanie, Michelle, Nicky and Alex come down.

WENDY

Girls! Hi!

STEPH

Aunt Wendy!

Hugs.

WENDY

My, you've grown up! How long have I been gone?

JESSE

Three years, nine months, two weeks and a day.

WENDY

How-

JESSE

I've been counting every moment of
happiness when you weren't here.

WENDY

You're a jerk. So, Rebecca, are these your boys?

BECKY

Yup.

ALEX

Who are you?

DANNY

Boys, this is your...Dad's sister's husband's sister. Wendy.

WENDY

Okay, I have an announcement-

DANNY

Hold on. Michelle, why are you wearing an apron?

MICHELLE

So I can punch Stephanie.

DANNY

Oh. Okay. Proceed.

WENDY

I got an apartment.

JESSE

Congratulations! Now go away.

DANNY

Really? Where?

WENDY

Here. A few blocks down.

JESSE

What?

WENDY

I'm opening my own animal shelter here in San Fransisco.

JESSE

What?! But- but- what about your travels? What
about your life! Your passion to see the world?
And whatever happened to Ginger?

WENDY

My monkey?

JESSE

No, your edible vegetable root. Yes, your monkey!

WENDY

She's back at my apartment.

DANNY

You've already moved in?

WENDY

Yeah, last week, when I got back from Australia.
And while I was there, I found this.

Wendy reaches into her bag and pulls out a snake.

Jesse yelps.

JESSE

What is that?

WENDY

Carpet Python. Her name's Carmen. Nice huh?

MICHELLE

Cool!

JESSE

You got a snake?

WENDY

Yup.

JESSE

Like, seriously?

WENDY

Yeah...

JESSE

Let me guess...was it lost out there
and all alone? (wink wink)

WENDY

Well, yeah...

JESSE

Wendy. There are millions of stray animals
out there and you cannot take then all in!

WENDY

You got a problem with my snake?

JESSE

Um, yes? It's in my house!

DANNY

My house.

JESSE

And so are you!

DANNY

Still my house.

WENDY

Anyway, where's Joey?

JESSE

Oh, please don't tell me you're still dating Joey...

WENDY

That was years ago!

JESSE

Good, so you won't be around much, right?

WENDY

Actually, I will.

JESSE

Huh?

WENDY

I need a lot of paperwork done, and
I was never any good at that.

JESSE

Right. You failed tenth-grade economics.

WENDY

I got a D-. Not the same thing.

STEPH

You guys went to the same school?

JESSE

Same school? We were in the same
class for thirteen years!

WENDY

Well, not in eleventh grade. We were in separate classes.

STEPH

Ouch.

Joey runs down.

JOEY

Hey! Wendy!

WENDY

Joey!

They hug.

JOEY

What are you doing here?

WENDY

What, a girl can't visit her brother without a reason?

MICHELLE

Not in America.

They all sit down on the couch.

JOEY

What happened to that job you had at the zoo?

WENDY

Oh, I went on tour again. But now I'm back, and I'm
opening an animal shelter here in San Fransisco.

JOEY

Here? That's great!

JESSE

Isn't it? -_-

WENDY

I know! And the best part is I'm moving
here permanently. I wanted to be closer to my family.

JESSE

Ever stop to think that maybe your
family doesn't want to be closer to you?

JOEY

Hey, since you're back, do you maybe want to
try dating again? I mean, we lost touch when you left.

WENDY

Oh, well, I have a boyfriend. All part of my new
permanent lifestyle. I'm trying to settle down.

JESSE

Who?

WENDY

No one you'd know.

JESSE

Okay...

DANNY

So who wants drinks?

JESSE

I'll get them!

DANNY

I'll get them. You stay here and catch up.

Jesse groans.

STEPH

Come on, Michelle. Let's go start your makeover.

JOEY

Just for the record, there are strings
attached to this makeover thing, right?

JESSE

Yeah. I told you about the time she cut my hair. Be careful.

STEPH

Man. A girl makes one mistake.

They go upstairs.

ALEX

Are you Wendy Tanner?

WENDY

Yes I am.

ALEX

I'm Alex Katsopolis.

WENDY

Nice to meet you.

ALEX

My daddy says you're a ho.

BECKY

Uh- Alex...come on, honey, why don't
you go upstairs and play with Nicky.

Nicky and Alex run upstairs.

Wendy gives Jesse a look.

WENDY

Really? You just had to give your children false
impressions of me before I even met them?

JESSE

Oh, relax. They don't even know what it
means. And you have met them before.

WENDY

When they were one!

JESSE

Well, you had your chance.

WENDY

And what gave you the idea to say I was a ho?

JESSE

You were!

WENDY

Oh- look who's talking, Mr. Slept-with-every-single-girl-in-the-school!

JESSE

You dated Roger Dextman!

WENDY

So?

JESSE

Anyone who dated Rog was automatically a slut.

BECKY

That makes no sense.

JESSE

It was high school in the '70s. It was illegal to make sense.

WENDY

Well, it was the same with you!

JESSE

Nuh-uh! With Rog, you were a slut. With me, you were lucky.

WENDY

Oh. That's true. Rats!

JESSE

Too bad you never dated me.

WENDY

You kissed me once, does that count?

JOEY

You kissed her?!

WENDY

In seventh grade.

JOEY

What?!

Danny runs in from the kitchen.

DANNY

Did I hear that right? Jesse kissed Wendy?

JESSE

It was a dare! That idiot Duane dared me!

WENDY

Duane's not an idiot.

Jesse looks at her.

WENDY

I mean wasn't. Duane wasn't an idiot.

JESSE

If you say so.

WENDY

So...who's good at taxes here?

JESSE

Oh, Danny's great at them! He can turn $352 into -$48.17!

WENDY

Huh?

DANNY

Once. That happened once.

JESSE

Wendy. Come on. What do you want from us?

WENDY

What? I told you-

JESSE

You only need help with your taxes? That's all?

WENDY

Well, to be honest...I need money.

DANNY

You do?

WENDY

A small loan.

JESSE

That's what they all say.

WENDY

Just until my business is up and running.

DANNY

Oh...how much?

WENDY

$3000.

DANNY

Oh. Well...

They hear Michelle scream.

DANNY

What the-

They all run upstairs and into Michelle's room.

Michelle is staring at her reflection in the mirror, wide-eyed.

Stephanie is holding a piece of Michelle's hair.

JESSE

Ahh!

Jesse runs over to Michelle and examines her hair.

JESSE

Wha- wha- wha-

JOEY

Take cover. He's gonna blow.

Jesse turns and glares at Stephanie.

STEPH

Oops.

JESSE

You...

DANNY

Okay, alright, it's okay Jess. Take a
deep breath. Come on. In...out...

JESSE

You expect me to breathe right now?!

DANNY

Sorry. Way out of line.

MICHELLE

Uncle Jesse, fix it!

JESSE

Okay. Steph, drop the scissors and back away slowly.

Stephanie obeys.

JESSE

Okay, everybody out. I need to focus. Go on, shoo!

Everybody steps out of the room.

MICHELLE

I would put on some football gear if I were you.

STEPH

Why?

MICHELLE

'Cause you're dead meat.

IN THE KITCHEN

Wendy, Nicky and Alex are in the kitchen.

WENDY

So, boys...what else did your dad tell you about me?

NICKY

He said you're a really bad kisser.

WENDY

Huh! Well then!

ALEX

But Joey told us that's not true.

WENDY

Well, you just tell your father that he's a necrophiliac, okay?

ALEX

Okay.

They go upstairs.

They see everyone standing by Michelle's door, peering inside.

WENDY

What are you-

EVERYONE

Shhh!

WENDY

(whispering) What are you doing?

STEPH

(whispering) We're spying. Duh.

WENDY

Oh. Of course.

She looks inside.

Jesse is busy precisely snipping away at Michelle's hair.

MICHELLE

Are you almost done?

JESSE

Hmm...no.

MICHELLE

How is it?

JESSE

Not good.

MICHELLE

That's the last time I let Stephanie do my hair.

JESSE

Good idea.

STEPH

(whispers) How rude.

NICKY

Wanna see my bug collection?

BECKY

Oh god, no.

NICKY

I was talking to the ho.

BECKY

Do not refer to your Aunt Wendy as 'the ho'.

WENDY

I'd love to, Alex.

NICKY

I'm Nicky.

WENDY

Oh. My mistake.

NICKY

I'll go get them.

Nicky leaves.

WENDY

So how about that loan?

DANNY

Gee, I don't know, Wendy. $3000 is a lot of money.

WENDY

I know, but I'll pay you back. I'll even pay interest if you want.

DANNY

But-

WENDY

Plus, you'll be investing in a good cause. And if I
have a place to keep the animals then I won't be bringing
home monkeys and snakes.

JOEY

You have a snake?

WENDY

Carpet Python.

She takes it out and shows it to him.

Nicky comes back into the hallway.

NICKY

Here they are.

WENDY

Wow, that's a lot of bugs.

NICKY

They're potatoes.

WENDY

Huh?

BECKY

Potato bugs.

WENDY

Right.

NICKY

This one's French Fry. He's the daddy.

Wendy looks.

NICKY

And this is Potato Chip, the mommy.

WENDY

Very nice.

NICKY

And this is-

Suddenly, the snake reaches out and snatches the bug off Nicky's hand, and swallows it.

They all stare at the snake, wide-eyed.

Nicky gapes at the snake and his chin starts to quiver.

BECKY

Oh, Nicky, honey-

Nicky bursts into tears.

BECKY

Oh, honey, it's okay. Don't cry...

Jesse flings open the door.

JESSE

What the heck is going on? What happened to Nicky?

NICKY

The giant worm ate Poutine!

JOEY

Gotta be the weirdest phrase I ever heard.

JESSE

What do you mean? What's poutine?

BECKY

His bug. Wendy's snake ate him. Oh, it's okay, Nick...

NICKY

Why did she eat him?! He's not a real potato...

JESSE

Great, Wendy. Now you made my kid cry.

WENDY

Wha- I- I- wha- what did I do?

Michelle comes out of her room to see what's going on.

STEPH

Michelle, I am so sorry about your hair.

MICHELLE

If this is what you did to Uncle Jesse,
I'm surprised you're still alive.

STEPH

Heh.

IN THE BACKYARD

Everyone is standing around in the backyard.

Nicky gives Jesse a piece of paper.

NICKY

Hey, daddy, did I write this right?

Jesse takes the paper

JESSE

Her liz pootin. He wuz a vere nis bug.
Now hez masht potatos. It's perfect, Nick.

Nicky sticks the sign in the dirt.

STEPH

Um...technically, Poutine doesn't lie
there, he's in Carmen's stomach.

Nicky looks sad.

JOEY

We're honoring a dead bug. We can improvise.

NICKY

Daddy, can you give the eulogy?

JESSE

The- how do you even know what that is?

NICKY

Please?

JESSE

Alright. Uh...well, we are gathered here today to
honor...Poutine. Uh, he was a very special bug...uh- spud- and
um..he will be greatly missed by his potato family.
He was very, um...kind and...dedicated to, uh...well
anyway, rest in peace.

NICKY

Amen.

JESSE

Amen? What TV shows are you watching?

Nicky looks at him.

JESSE

Uh, I mean...Amen.

NICKY

Now let us have a moment of silence.

Nicky puts his hands together in front of him.

JESSE

Oh boy...

The others follow.

They are silent for a moment.

WENDY

(whispers) So...the money?

DANNY

Wendy, you're never gonna learn to fend for
yourself if you always depend on someone.

WENDY

I don't always depend on someone!

DANNY

Remember the time I gave you $1500 for your tour in Africa?

WENDY

Well, I payed you back.

NICKY

We're trying to have a moment of silence.

WENDY

(whispers) Sorry.

They're silent for a moment.

DANNY

I'll only give you the money if you
promise not to pay me back.

WENDY

What? You want me to not pay you back?

DANNY

That's right. I don't want you to owe me anything.

WENDY

Why not?

DANNY

Pretend it's your own. It'll teach you business.

WENDY

How is taking money from someone gonna teach me business?

JOEY

He's offering you free money. Just take it.

Alex turns to Jesse.

ALEX

Daddy, you're a necrophiliac.

JESSE

Excuse me?!

NICKY

Shh!

JESSE

Where did you learn that?!

Wendy whistles casually.

Jesse narrows his eyes at her.

WENDY

What?

JESSE

You teaching my kid bad words?

WENDY

It's not a bad word...it means being
attracted to a dead corpse-

JESSE

Uh, we're trying to have a moment of silence for this
innocent bug that you're snake killed, so...shush.

Michelle groans.

MICHELLE

How long is a moment?

DANNY

So is it a deal?

WENDY

I don't know. You're logic makes no sense,
and I wouldn't feel right taking money from you.

JOEY

I don't see what the problem is. You
want money, he's giving you money.

JESSE

Hey, Alex, come here.

Jesse whispers something in Alex's ear.

ALEX

Aunt Wendy, you're a bibliophile.

WENDY

What? Jess, you know that means someone
who reads a lot of books, right?

JESSE

Oh, well...of course you would know what the word means.

WENDY

Why is that?

JESSE

'Cause you're a bibliophile.

WENDY

Ugh.

NICKY

Alright, the moment of silence is over.

WENDY

Hallelujah.

NICKY

I have now prepared a short two-hour play of the
story of Poutine's life, in his honor, starring Potato Patty as Poutine.

Everybody groans.

NICKY

You may take your seats.

They all reluctantly sit on the ground.

Nicky brings out the jar of bugs and puts them all on the ground.

NICKY

Uh...Patty, you're supposed to be over there,
remember? And guys... you're all supposed to be
in balls...okay hold on-

Nicky screams.

JESSE

Ahh! What-

The bugs all curl up.

NICKY

There we go. Now, we begin the story of Poutine's life,
entitled 'Covered in Gravy; The Story of Poutine'. Enjoy!

Nick sits down.

JESSE

I swear this is a gifted child.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

Everyone is lying around on the couches, when Michelle comes downstairs wearing a helmet.

DANNY

Uh, Michelle, what are you wearing?

MICHELLE

A helmet.

DANNY

I realized. Why?

MICHELLE

Hello? Did you see my hair? I can't walk around like that!

DANNY

Honey, you can't wear a helmet inside. It's too hot.

MICHELLE

It's February.

DANNY

In San Fransisco.

Michelle groans and goes back upstairs.

Danny gives Stephanie a look.

STEPH

Okay, so it happened twice. Give me a break!

Jesse sighs.

JESSE

Alright, Danny. Can you hurry it up with Wendy do she can leave?

DANNY

Wendy, I will give you the money, but you have to keep it. Okay?

JOEY

I'm sorry, but I still see no logic in this deal.

DANNY

And you probably never will. What do you say?

WENDY

Okay. It's a deal. How can I say no to that?

JOEY

Well you certainly tried.

Michelle comes back down wearing a baseball cap.

MICHELLE

There. Is that better?

DANNY

Very.

JESSE

Oh, got one. Wendy, you're an imbecile.

WENDY

A what?

JESSE

I win! We should go to the pool wore often.
Pick up some old-guy slang.

WENDY

You're so immature.

JESSE

You're the one who called me a necrophiliac.

WENDY

I did not, Nicky did.

ALEX

I'm Alex.

WENDY

Right.

BECKY

Can you please not start right now? It's almost
six o'clock and I just spent two hours watching potato bugs
roll around and bump into each other. I'm beat.

WENDY

Oh, is it six o'clock already?

JOEY

5:45.

WENDY

Oh, I better get home. My boyfriend's waiting for me.

DANNY

Ooh...living with your boyfriend. Impressive, sis.

WENDY

Well, we're not living together, per se...but you never know. Maybe soon.

DANNY

Wow. You really are starting to settle down, aren't you?

WENDY

I'm trying.

DANNY

Are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner?

WENDY

I really can't, but thanks. Well, I'll se you guys around.
Now that I live ten minutes away, I can visit whenever I want.

JESSE

Can't wait.

NICKY

And take your snake with you!

JESSE

I'll have some nice long insults for you next time.

WENDY

So will I. Bye Jess.

JESSE

Don't say goodbye to me!

Wendy chuckles and leaves.

NICKY

Well good riddance.

JESSE

Yeah. Good job, Nick, you're catching on.

Danny sighs and rolls his eyes.

MICHELLE

Can I do something I've been meaning to do now?

DANNY

Uh, sure.

Michelle looks at Stephanie and starts chasing after her.

STEPH

Leave me alone! It only happened twice!

JESSE

Watch out. Any one of you could be next
on Stephanie's hair-destruction list.

The others stare at him.

STEPH

Ahh! Michelle! Ow. Come on, leave me alone! Ow! Michelle...

-END TUNE-


Question of the Week: What were Pam and Danny going to name D.J.?