Love is much trickier than I had ever anticipated it being. I was always so much in control of things, until recently, but I had never really been truly happy, which was probably my fault for expecting every person in my life to hurt or betray me, which is probably why I inflicted such suffering on everyone I met. After April's suicide, I had been tempted to move away and hole myself up somewhere—anywhere but where I was, and forget everyone I had known, leaving my social life behind. But, being the drama queen that I am, I realized a lack of people would probably be more depressing, and I would probably kill myself within a week.
Mark had answered the door, and the knocker was, as expected, Joanne. I was still in the bathroom, I had told them I would be out in a minute, and I could hear them teasing me about my trend towards tardiness, but I was too distraught to care. As I washed my face, I tried to think of the best way to break the news to Joanne, but nothing seemed to be right. And I couldn't just dump her then and there…we had been getting along famously the past few months, with virtually no fights, which was beyond shocking. I loved Joanne so much, and I loved Mark as well, though I didn't think that I could spend the rest of my life with him, even though he was sweet. I wasn't polite enough to stay with him just because of this little thing growing inside of me, but I didn't want to break his heart. Maybe I should have waited a while to tell her. But she was bound to notice by now, and the fact that she hadn't so far made me realize how little attention—sexually that is—Joanne had been paying to me lately, although somehow I realized that it didn't matter. But maybe she had been suspicious. No way of knowing until she broke the news to her. God I hoped she wouldn't run away because of this, or worse try to convince me to give up the child. She had to know that I would never do that. I wonder if Joanne would love my baby? Even though it isn't hers? Probably not. What if she breaks up with me? Then what will I do? I love her!
"MAUREEN! What the hell are you doing in there?" Joanne and Mark were pounding on the door, probably concerned that I would try to pull and April again because I didn't want to deal with "my condition".
"Sorry. I spaced out," I smiled weakly at the two loves of my life, "I'm okay."
"You were in there for like twenty minutes," Joanne said, as she was expected to, always the organized one, "now what is it that you have to tell me?" I couldn't read her look, as I could tell that she didn't really know what to expect, other than that she would most likely be unhappy with the news. Which was a good assumption, because I had told her to meet me at my ex-boyfriend's loft. I felt a little dizzy, and reached for Mark's hand, clenching it tightly.
"Okay, well…here goes nothing. I was searching for the right words, but I just have to be honest. You know that day when I came home really late? You were up waiting for me? Well, I--" Joanne's eyes widened.
"You slept with the boy? How could you Maureen?"
"Joanne—please—let me finish! It was a really…um. Shit. Marky I don't want to hurt you—I love you both. But…"
"You still choose her?"
"You guys aren't making this easy for me. I can't do this. I just can't." In tears, I quickly ran into the bathroom, but not because I was trying to make a dramatic exit—I had to puke!
"MARK! What did you do to her?"
"Well…nothing!"
"NOTHING?" Joanne roared.
"I mean nothing bad…I mean…she's not dying…I mean…she's just…" Mark sounded scared, and didn't want to be the one to break the news. Joanne might kill him. Beside, I wanted to tell her anyway. It was, after all, my body that we were talking about.
"I'm pregnant Joanne! Now will someone please get his or her ass in here?" Joanne looked stunned and just stood there quietly while Mark came to help me, looking like a sad puppy, though still loyal. How did I get here? Why is my life such a tease? I almost get what I want, and then I fuck it up for myself. Joanne came into the bathroom, silent tears sliding down her face. She spoke very softly now, though I was too lost in self-pity to read her emotions.
"Are you going to stay with him then?"
"I…want to stay with you." It sounded like I was whining, like I was reacting to her sentencing me to stay in the loft.
"And the child when it's born?"
"Um…it could have three parents?" I sighed, realizing I hadn't thought of this, "I suppose not. It sounds a little silly." Mark suddenly made himself a part of our conversation—and why not? He was in the tiny bathroom with us, and he was, more importantly, the father.
"No, Maureen, I think that could work. It could be like what divorced people do. We're all so close anyway…" Joanne stared at him. "I meant geographically, Joanne, but we are all friends, right?"
"Do I have a choice?" This statement hurt me more than anything else, because her hatred for him would be my fault, me screwing up my life again
"Pookie--" I started to protest, but found no words, and instead looked pleadingly into her eyes, as if to say, "please don't do this".
"I'm sorry…" I let out a relieved breath, and she went on "Mark. I am, of course, still you're friend. I'm just mad at her. Do you think I should forgive her?"
"Joanne, I don't think you should ask me. I have my own bone to pick with your lover. She did choose you, after all, again." I was scared.
"You guys…I can't handle this right now…" I started to fall apart again. Why shouldn't I? The two most important people in my life hated me. I could always move like I had planned to eleven years ago…
They both hugged me, from different sides, at the same time, but I knew that they were both upset with me, and hurt, but given my fragile condition, they didn't want to break me, so instead they put away their anger because they didn't want me to do anything rash.
Suddenly Mimi and Roger entered the loft, and Mark and Joanne helped me up, and we went into the common room.
"MAUREEN!" The impossibly small, pale twenty-nine year old flung herself at me, almost knocking me over, but Joanne and Mark put their hands on my back, and Mimi went on, "We've missed you so much. Even Roger missed you!" He looked at me and rolled his eyes at his girlfriend's behavior, but he had a huge, goofy smile on his face, and I could see that he really had missed me. She removed her arms from around my neck when I made some comment about still needing to breathe, "How have you been? You look tired. Are you okay?" Roger, who had been standing at the other end of the room came closer, looking carefully into my eyes, though he didn't pry, just merely said,
"Mo…we've missed your energy. I'm glad to see you are getting better. And you aren't a skeleton anymore." I could hear the pain in his voice, knowing that he was thinking of April. I went up to him, looked deep within his green eyes, and feeling his pain, I hugged him, and despite his best efforts, a few tears spilled over. I wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
"Mimi, I am so glad that this boy has you. Beneath this sarcastic rock star persona, he is still broken." I caught Roger staring at my stomach as Mimi lovingly embraced him. He shot a questioning look at me, and I placed my index finger over my lips. He nodded.
Collins, weighed down with groceries, was standing in the still open doorway, looking somewhat puzzled that the door was open, but quickly tossed the bags down on the table and lifted me and spun me around in the air, and I said,
"Whoa, be careful, baby," then I giggled, realizing the ambiguity of the statement. He put me down and backed up to take my appearance in.
"Glad to see you have some meat on your bones…"
"God! Did everyone see this except me? Why didn't you say anything?" but still I was smiling, beaming actually, even though I thought I would be distressed. I was surprised that Collins hadn't caught on and Roger had. I had to tell them, "Um, you guys?" I was looking at Roger, and he gave me a reassuring look, and Mark squeezed my shoulder, "I have an announcement to make. I'm pregnant." Collins stared at me, no doubt wondering why he hadn't noticed. Mimi just looked confused, and Roger came up, hugged me, and said,
"Maureen, I'm so happy for you, because I haven't seen you look this happy in a long, long time." One lone tear escaped from the corner of my right eye. I heard the door close, and turned around, noticing that it had been Joanne who had left, and I fell into Roger's shoulder, sobbing, and amazingly, he accommodated for my sudden mood change, trying to console me. This was very bizarre, since he had disliked me for the longest time, since April died, because I was still alive and healthy, but miserable. Mimi, seeing my reaction to Joanne's leaving, ran out the door after her. I released Roger, who wanted to talk to Mark, and Collins came up to me and put a large, black hand on my stomach, which was barely noticeably larger than normal, which made it harder for them to tell, mostly because they hadn't seen normal in a long time.
