'Not Real.' The words echo in my mind as I struggle to pull myself from the warm embrace of the dream. It seems that at some point during the night, our bodies gave in to the comfort they'd been craving and we ended up entwined together on the couch. Currently I'm lying on top of Peeta with my fingers wound deeply into his hair and his thigh firmly planted between my own. From the tingling sensation still radiating between my legs, I know for certain at least one part of the dream was indeed real.
Peeta's wide eyes are a fascinating mix of confusion and fear as he looks up at me, his face etched with concern. "That must have been a horrible nightmare. You were thrashing around and moaning as if you were being tortured."
I want to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Peeta and I are wrapped so tightly around one another that it's hard to tell whose limbs are whose, I've just had an incredible sex dream about him, and he thinks he's just woken me from one of my usual horrifying nightmares.
Part of me wants to let him believe it was a nightmare, as the truth will only set our tentative friendship back several steps. It's obvious he doesn't want me the way that I want him, even if his recent actions may suggest otherwise.
The other, more insistent part of me, the one still numb from the pleasure of my release and the one currently pressing deliciously against his chest, is screaming at me to tell him exactly what my dream was about and how it made me feel; to let him know that even if he doesn't want me, I most certainly want him - and badly.
In the end, I decide I've already lied to Peeta enough for one lifetime and I need to tell him the truth, no matter what the outcome will be.
"It…wasn't a nightmare." I can feel the blush creep up my neck to the tips of my ears and silently thank the clouds that chose that moment to obscure the moon. The last thing I need is for Peeta to see the tell-tale red stain and guess what's happened before I can find the words to tell him.
More confusion clouds his sleepy features as he looks up at me with wide blue eyes. "What do you mean? You kept saying my name over and over and you sounded like you were in pain. Obviously it was a nightmare and I was hurting you again."
I shift and begin to untangle my body from his, immediately missing the warmth and comfort. He pushes himself up against the side of the couch, almost to a sitting position, while I kneel next to him, unsure how to get the words past the embarrassment clogging my throat.
"You were in my dream, but it wasn't a nightmare. And I wasn't in pain…I…." I look away, trying to gather the courage for my confession. At that moment, the moon suddenly comes out from behind a cloud, sending a shaft of silvery light into the living room. With this added light, I can now clearly see the dark glistening spot on his pants where I'd furiously rubbed myself to release just moments before.
I can't stop the disbelieving gasp that comes out of my mouth at the evidence of my arousal staining Peeta's pants. He follows my gaze downward and sees the spot for himself. I can see his brows furrow in concentration moments before the answer hits him and his head whips back up, eyes wide with shock and some other emotion that I can't quite put my finger on.
"Your dream…it was about me, about us…together?" So many emotions flit across his - confusion, curiosity, desire - but luckily there's no hate or disgust. He hasn't pushed me away or fled, so maybe this won't be as bad as I thought.
I can see his jaw moving back and forth, almost as if his head is filled with hundreds of questions and he can't decide which to ask first. He starts and stops several times before he looks away and finally blurts out, "What was it about?"
Of all the things I thought he'd say that was last thing I was expecting and I feel a shudder roll through my body, causing the still sensitive area between my legs to throb. In the moonlight, I can see the blush riding his cheeks and the bob of his Adam's apple as he swallows, waiting for my response.
"Do you really want to know?" I really don't want to tell him; I'd rather run out into the woods and hide.
He doesn't answer, just nods his head and looks back at me expectantly, curiosity gleaming in those shining blue eyes. I silently consider what to do as my stomach does a slow flip and I can hear the blood pounding in my ears. My entire body feels like it's engulfed in flames again, except for the cold trickle of sweat that runs down my spine. I have faced certain death more times than I can count, but never have I felt as nervous and afraid as I do right now.
Now it's my turn to look away as I make my decision and move to the other end of the couch. Somehow I feel like this small distance will make it easier to talk about the dream.
Without looking at Peeta, I begin speaking in a soft voice. "We were upstairs in my bed sleeping and something woke me up. I didn't know what it was at first, but then I realized it was you, um…, your…, you were…" I have no idea how to say what I mean, so I lamely gesture towards his lap instead. Peeta catches on with a slight nod and I continue my story. "Anyway, you were pressed up against me and I could feel you…moving. I thought you were asleep, but then you said my name and started running your fingers under my shirt, and I started to move as well. Then next thing I knew we were kissing, like really kissing and touching each other and it felt really, really good and then suddenly you were shaking me and I woke up."
This was a seriously condensed version of the dream, but I just didn't have it in me to give him all of the intimate details. What I did say was embarrassing enough already.
I sit on the couch, not looking at Peeta, waiting for him to say something - anything, even if it's just to tell me I'm disgusting as he runs out of the door. A few tense minutes pass in silence, the only sound in the room the ticking of the clock on the mantle.
Finally, Peeta clears his throat, breaking the spell that had fallen over the room. "I think I'm going to go back to my house. I have to start baking soon…" He trails off and stands up from the couch.
"Oh, okay." I feel both saddened and relieved by this. Every fiber of my being is screaming for us to lie back down together and have a few more hours of blissfully peaceful sleep. Ultimately though, this is the right decision. This was a step we were far from ready to take and we need time apart to process what it means.
"Will I see you later?" I still can't bear to look at him and there's no way I can hide the hopeful note in my voice. We've made so much progress over the last few weeks. It would kill me to have it all thrown away because my subconscious can't keep its hands to itself.
"I don't know." He says before leaving. I tell myself this is the most he is able to offer right now and I will just have to wait and see what happens next. Of course, that doesn't stop the pain I feel in my heart at his words.
dwdwdwdwdw
I end up spending most of the day in the woods alone, too distracted to hunt, but also too afraid to return home and find that Peeta's decided he can't stand the sight of me anymore. I made the long trek to the lake, where I managed to catch some fish and gather the first katniss plants of the season. Once that was done, I decided to wander about, looking for new trails and just exploring the rest of the woods that I'd never had the time, or inclination, to explore before.
A short ways from the lake, I came across of thicket of bushes full of what looked like small blackberries but were a deep pink color instead of dark purple. I vaguely remembered seeing them in the Capitol and that they were called raspberries. I knew they were edible and made myself a snack of some berries and left-over cheese buns I'd had the foresight to bring with me.
After eating, I gather a bunch into a sack, intending to add them to the family plant book and but also to give to Peeta for his baking. If nothing else, the plump juicy berries will be a peace offering that can help us move on from this morning's debacle.
On the walk back home, I find myself getting more and more nervous wondering if Peeta will show up tonight for dinner, and if he does, what will his mood be? Will he want to talk? What if the others come as well? Will they notice the tension between us? Did Peeta tell Jacob what happened? Or even worse, told Haymitch? Will they judge me for having no self-control?
Naturally my brain chooses the worst case scenario and I manage to work myself into a full-on panic attack by the time I get back to my house, complete with cold sweats and labored breathing. I toss my game bag into the refrigerator and run upstairs, only to end up sitting in Prim's closet yet again.
I have no idea how long I've been in there, rocking back and forth with my eyes pressed into my knees before I hear Peeta calling my name downstairs. Upon hearing his voice, my anxiety ratchets up several more notches, which causes me to become light-headed from hyperventilating as I contemplate going down there to face whatever he's come to tell me.
I consider just staying in the closet, letting him think I'm still out in the woods or something, when Buttercup suddenly starts yowling loudly just outside the closet door. I hadn't realized he was sitting outside the door all this time.
"Shut-up you stupid cat! I knew I should have drowned you when I had the chance!" I whisper harshly, knowing full well he can't understand me. Just to spite me, Buttercup gets even louder and starts pawing at the door.
It's only moments before I hear Peeta's uneven gait coming up the stairs. Buttercup's screeching stops and changes over to soft 'meows', and even purring, as soon Peeta enters Prim's room.
'First chance I get, I'm going to skin that damn cat.' I think to myself, even going so far as to imagine the look of glee on my face as the knife slices through his ugly orange fur. Of course that image begins to blend itself into one of my more recent nightmares and I quickly think of Prim's smiling face to quash the terror that threatens to rise up in me.
In the silence that follows Buttercup's betrayal, my heart begins to pound in my chest as I wait for the inevitable turn of the handle and opening of the closet door. The light-headed feeling I had before increases tenfold and I feel like I'm going to pass out as I wait for Peeta to make the first move.
My heart is beating so fast with anticipation that I think it's about to burst out of my chest when I hear Peeta's soft voice on the other side of the door. "I brought cinnamon rolls. They'll be downstairs with me when you're ready to come out and talk." Then he walks away, presumably taking the feline traitor with him.
Just like that, all of the anxiety that I'd been holding inside all day melts away like ice in the summer sun. Now I just feel exhausted and want nothing more than to curl up on the pile of Prim's clothes that I'm sitting on and go to sleep. Of course, that's not an option. Not unless I really want to irrevocably damage our relationship.
Instead, I concentrate on the breathing exercises Dr. Aurelius had suggested to help me with my temper. I breathe in slowly, hold the breath for a few seconds and then release it slowly. I repeat this several times until I feel my pulse return to normal. Once my body has calmed down enough, I open the door and blink rapidly to let my eyes adjust from the dark of the closet to the bright late afternoon sun shining in through the windows.
Slowly I make my way downstairs to the kitchen, both dreading the coming conversation and knowing it needs to happen if we're to move forward. I quietly stand in the shadows of the hallway, watching Peeta feed that miserable feline some scraps from last night's dinner. The stupid cat is rolling around, batting Peeta's fingers with his paws like he was a kitten again. My lip automatically curls in disgust at Buttercup's obvious sucking up to Peeta.
"You know, if you were nicer to him, he wouldn't hiss at you all the time." The sudden sound of Peeta's voice startles me as he's still playing with Buttercup, not even looking at me. I take a moment to marvel at how adept his senses have become before I recall exactly why he's had to hone that particular skill and an involuntary shiver passes down my spine.
"You know he only acts that way because you feed him and always smell like sugar." I say with an ease I don't really feel as I walk into the kitchen to join them.
Buttercup doesn't take kindly to my interrupting his time with Peeta and shows his annoyance by hissing at me before running out of the room with his tail high up in the air.
"I think you just earned a dead bird in your bed." Peeta predicts with a chuckle.
I roll my eyes dramatically before giving him a resigned sigh. "Wouldn't be the first, or the worst, thing he's brought me."
We both chuckle, but now that the distraction of Buttercup is gone, a tension creeps into the room, making me feel awkward and unsure.
Suddenly I remember the berries in my bag and cross to the refrigerator to take them out. "I have something for you. I found some new berries in the woods today." I pull the sack of berries out of the bag and hand it to him. "I'm pretty sure they're called raspberries and they're similar to the blackberries, but sweeter. I brought some back for you to use."
He takes the sack and pours a few of the plump pink berries into his palm, inspecting them before looking back at me with a smile. "I remember these. Thank you."
I return his smile, happy that this small gesture has made him happy. "You're welcome. There are plenty of them out there, so if you want more I can easily get them."
"And," I hesitate a moment -not wanting to scare him off - before asking, "If it's not too much of a bother, do you think you could help me add them to my plant book sometime?"
He looks at me sharply and I'm sure I've overstepped some boundary, and that he's going to decline, but instead he flashes me another brilliant smile. "It's no bother. I'd like that."
With that smile all of the tension that had been weighing heavily in the room is gone. I know we have more to talk about but right now things are good, dare I say, almost normal, between us and that's fine with me.
Later that evening, after a simple dinner of the fish from the lake and baked katniss tubers, Peeta finally brings up the topic that we really need to talk about.
"So, about the dream you had this morning…" His comment takes me so off guard that I almost choke on the cinnamon roll I had just shoved into my mouth.
After I stop coughing out the bits of roll that I'd inhaled, I'm able to answer him. "What about it?"
He looks uncomfortable, shifting in his chair and picking at a roll without eating any of it. "I have a confession to make." He pauses and keeps his eyes trained on his plate as he struggles with what to say next. This piques my interest. Peeta has never been at a loss for words. What could he possibly have to confess that's so hard for him to say? "You...um…aren't the only one who's had them."
It takes a moment for me to get what he means by this. "You've had those kinds of dreams, too?" He looks up finally and nods. "About…us?" He nods again. There's one more thing I'm dying to know, but he saves me the trouble of asking.
"Not as often anymore. It used to happen all the time…before Snow…" He doesn't need to continue; I know he means before the hijacking, before Snow ripped out, tainted and reinserted every memory that Peeta had of me.
He clears his throat and looks right into my eyes before delivering the blow I can sense is coming. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's normal and you shouldn't feel embarrassed. We shouldn't let this one incident ruin our friendship."
And there it is. The sting of his words hurts almost as much as if he'd struck me with his hands instead. Even though I knew in my head this was the case, that he didn't want me the way I wanted him, my foolish heart held out hope that those 'moments' we'd been sharing meant something. Clearly that's not the case and once again I'm left feeling embarrassed and alone.
"Yeah. You're right, Peeta." The words taste bitter on my tongue and I have to force them out of my mouth.
Something flashes across his face, but it's too quick for me to tell if it's relief or hurt. The blue eyes looking back at me are blank, not unfriendly, just lacking the warmth I've come to expect in them lately.
"Okay." Peeta slaps his hands on his thighs before standing up from the table. "Now that that's settled, let's get to work on the raspberries." And just like that the issue is closed, leaving me to deal with my broken heart in silence.
dwdwdwdwdw
A few days later, as I'm coming out of the woods, I'm met by Thom waiting by the gate in the meadow. He's holding another one of those mysterious letters for Peeta and a large box from Dr. Aurelius for me, which he carries to my house, then leaves it on the porch before continuing on to Peeta's house. I know what they say about curiosity and cats, but I can't help wondering what the deal is with those letters. I still don't recognize the handwriting, not that I'm familiar with everyone's handwriting but I'd know if it were Dr. Aurelius or President Paylor. With a resigned sigh, I pick up the box, which is surprisingly light, and carry it the rest of the way into the house.
At the moment, I can't be bothered to see what Dr. Aurelius has sent so I leave the box on the kitchen table and I go about emptying out my game bag. I take my time preparing the various carcasses and washing the plants and berries I was able to gather. Once that's finally done, and I've stalled long enough, I turn my attention to the mysterious box.
Once I open it up and pull out the packing material, I find that Dr. Aurelius has sent me an odd assortment of items that will presumably create something useful. There are several reams of a very thin paper and bundles of a lightweight material I recognize from the training stations as strips of bamboo. There's also some twine, a length of thin wire, gauze and several sets of paints and brushes.
Underneath everything is a letter from the good doctor himself.
Dear Katniss,
I hope this letter finds you well. Per our last conversation, enclosed you will find instructions and all of the items needed to create sky lanterns.
Sky lanterns date back to many, many years before the Dark Days and were used by primitive cultures for various purposes, such as a way for neighboring villages to communicate with each other or as an early warning system to alert settlements of a coming attack. As time went on and technology evolved, the use of sky lanterns for communication fell out of practice and they took on a new significance.
The lanterns became important to the funeral rituals of these societies as a way to offer up prayers and final goodbye's to their departed loved ones. It was believed that when someone died, their soul ascended to a place called 'heaven', which was located in the sky. The lantern was released to accompany the soul on their final journey and to protect them from darkness. As the lantern's fuel was expended, they would either combust into flame or gently float back to the ground where the components would breakdown and be reclaimed by the earth (they were developed by Beetee specifically for this purpose).
Based on their use as a means of closure, I feel very strongly that this would be an excellent way for you and Peeta to help bring about the healing you both so desperately need. Creating the lanterns and releasing them would prove to be beneficial in that you would finally be able to say goodbye to lost loved ones, which in turn may help relieve you of some of the guilt you've carried for so long.
Included with the supplies are step by step instructions for creating the lanterns, along with paints you can use to decorate or write notes to the deceased prior to releasing them.
Please understand that my intent is not to upset either of you with this task. Rather, I am trying to provide you with the means to finally get to a place where you can resume living full and happy lives. If you feel it may be overwhelming and you do not wish to partake in the exercise, I will understand. You can give the paper and art supplies to Peeta and encourage him to find himself again through his art, but I would encourage you to at least entertain the idea before disregarding it altogether.
Please know that I only have, and have always had, your best interests in mind.
Your friend,
Marcus Aurelius
I re-read the letter through the haze of unshed tears that have gathered on my bottom lashes, then place it gently on the table and pull out the instructions he'd mentioned. The process seemed simple enough – decorate the paper, then wrap it around a frame built with the bamboo strips. The wire, gauze and twine are used to make a fuel cell and as it burns the hot air fills the balloon created by the paper, making it float into the air. As the fuel cell burns down, the lantern will either combust mid-air or it will burn out completely and float harmlessly to the ground.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about any of this. Will launching these lanterns into the air really help with the guilt I feel over all the lives I helped end, either directly or by my actions? Will they help me say everything to Prim that I never had the chance to say before and now never will? My cynical nature can't help but think the very idea is ludicrous. Even so, there's a small part of me that thinks it can't hurt to give it a try. At this point I can't possibly feel any worse and if nothing else, it will give me an excuse to spend more time with Peeta. For that reason alone, I decide I'm going to make every effort to get him to do this with me. I grab the letter from Dr. Aurelius and fly out of my house and head over to Peeta's before my nerves make me second-guess myself and I end up back in Prim's closet.
As I approach Peeta's house - feeling more and more doubtful about this whole project with every step- I realize I can hear voices carrying from his open kitchen window. I recognize Thom's loud, barking laugh in response to something Peeta said but was too soft for me to hear clearly. They're not exactly being quiet so I don't feel bad about eavesdropping on them.
"Well, it won't be long now. She'll be here soon." I hear Thom say to Peeta in a cheerful voice.
"I'm not sure how it'll go over with Katniss, though." Peeta replies. At the sound of my name, I stop short on the path, then quietly slip towards the back of the house and turn my full attention to the kitchen window. My curiosity has truly been piqued now as I have no idea who they are talking about or why this person's arrival should affect me in any way.
"I don't envy you having to deal with that situation." Thom answers with a chuckle.
There's a pause before I hear Peeta answer in a soft voice. "Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe Katniss will be happy to hand me off to someone else."
'Hand him off to someone else? What the hell is he talking about?' I think to myself as I grab the grass below me to keep from jumping up and screaming through the window to demand answers from them.
Thom's voice is full of disbelief and I can easily picture him shaking his head. "Do you honestly believe that? Have you not seen the way she looks at you when she thinks no one can see her? Believe me the last thing she'll be is relieved."
I strain to hear Peeta's reply, but none comes. He must just make a gesture of some kind as Thom continues. "Trust me, Peeta. She may not be the most expressive person, but you can tell by the look in her eyes that she cares for you. She just may not be ready to take that step. I know you're definitely not, so stop doubting her. When the time is right, you'll both know. Take it from me. These things have a way of sneaking up on you."
His last sentence is like a punch to the gut as I remember Finnick saying the exact same thing to me about Annie. I don't know what to make of any of this, especially not what Thom said about me caring for Peeta. Hasn't that been obvious for some time now? I thought that he knew and that all of the shy touches and hesitant almost-kisses were a result of his reluctance, not because he was unsure about me.
I don't have much time to consider the answers as I realize their voices have faded from the kitchen. When I hear Peeta's door open as Thom leaves, I quickly fly through the back yard of the house between ours to my own, flying through the kitchen door and racing back out the front so it looks like I'm just leaving.
My breathing is rapid from running and I will myself to calm down as I pass Thom on the path. I'm sure my face is red from exertion but he doesn't seem to notice anything amiss. He just smiles and nods at me before continuing on his way.
I give him my best scowl, which just makes him laugh, then take a deep steadying breath before continuing on. Peeta is waiting on the porch, having seen me walking in his direction when he said goodbye to Thom. He's holding the latest letter in his hand, but his fingers are blocking the name on the back of the paper.
"Hey." He calls to me as I climb up the steps. His brows are knit in confusion, no doubt wondering what I'm doing here in the afternoon.
I remember the conversation I'd just heard and suddenly feel nervous. "Hey yourself. I see you got another letter." I throw caution to the wind, hoping this will get him to open up and tell me who they're from.
He ignores my comment and folds up the letter before stuffing it into his back pocket. "What's that?" He says, indicating the letter I'd brought over with me.
My eyes narrow at his attempt to change the subject and I feel the anger start to rise. I quickly squash it down, though. I remind myself that Peeta doesn't have to share his private correspondence with me. It's not like we're dating or married. I shake my head to clear that thought from my mind and hold out the letter to him.
"It's from Dr. Aurelius. I think you should read it." I can't stop the note of annoyance that slips into my voice.
He looks at me skeptically before taking the paper from my hands and reading it over quickly. He reads it again, slowly, making sure to take in Dr. Aurelius' words.
"Sky lanterns?" His eyebrows rise dubiously as he looks up at me from the paper in his hands.
"I've never heard of them, either. Sounds like a fire hazard to me, but I figured I'd see what you thought." I shrug and lean back against the post.
He looks over the letter for a third time before asking, "It says that he sent art supplies. What…uh…what did he send?"
He's trying to act all casual about it, but I can see the way his fingers twitch on the paper, giving away his keen interest in what Dr. Aurelius sent.
"I didn't look at everything, but I saw brushes, pots and tubes of paint, colored pencils and little sticks of coal but they're all different colors." Peeta's eyes widen as I tick off each item.
"Charcoals? He sent you colored charcoals?" He tries to hide the excitement in his voice but I can see his mind racing with all of the possibilities.
"I guess so. They weren't exactly labeled." I push up from the post and cross over to where he's standing by the front door. "What do you think? Should we give it a try?"
He's still hesitant, looking from me to the letter and back again. In the end, the allure of Capitol quality art supplies is apparently more than he can handle. "Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt. Let's start tomorrow night, after dinner."
"Ok, sounds good." I take the letter back and pause, hoping he'll take the opportunity to open up to me about his own letter.
"I'll see you tomorrow." Peeta gives me a little wave before going back inside and closing the door behind him.
Frustrated, I stomp back to my own house and slam the front door closed to vent my pent-up annoyance, then open and slam it once again for good measure. With a 'humph', I slump against back against the door and think about the conversation I overheard. Who is 'she' and what does her coming here have to do with me and Peeta? What could he possibly mean by 'handing him off to someone else'? And if Thom's seen me looking at Peeta, who else knows?
I want to march back to Peeta's house and demand that he tell me what's in those letters, and what's going on, but then he'll know I was eavesdropping, which will destroy any trust he has in me right now. Instead, I decide to ignore the doubt gnawing at the back of my mind and just concentrate on the fact that we'll once again be working closely together. Maybe Dr. Aurelius isn't so crazy for suggesting those sky lanterns after all.
A/N: A huge, huge thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited and basically just stuck around all this time. Your support means the world and I wish I could give you all big, big, big hugs! As always, thank you to Mary for being the best friend and beta anywhere and to Ro Nordmann for the wonderful banner. Feel free to come visit me on tumblr and let me know your thoughts!
