Alrightio; this fic is kinda my own 'lil baby but if anyone actually cares here goes: haven't updated in a few years but I was re-reading this earlier and decided that it was the best way to procrastinate. Experiencing my sense of humour when I was 13 from an outside perspective is also fucking hilarious. So basically, this chapter was written three years ago but I didn't upload it at the time, my plan is to just add to it and post it. Enjoy, El
Chapter 11
AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! (I highly doubt that and either way does Tara really expect us to take anything she says seriously?) sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! (Raven, I hope Edgar Alan Poe eats your soul and feeds it to many wolves of various sizes and levels of ferocity)
"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! (It would be better if you were horror-fried. Please Tara, just spontaneously combust it would do us all a favour) B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off (oh you're such a good friend Ebony) and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. (I have an image of Dumbles sprinting around Hogwarts with his hair and beard flying out behind him screaming 'wait dear child' alright okay only me)
Anyway, I started crying tears of blood (you really should have that checked dear. Or… don't?) and then I slit both of my wrists. (Don't trivialise mental illness Tara, I will hunt you down) They (your wrists? They came off?) got all over my clothes so I took them off (again, your wrists?) and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak (I'd love to promote Ebony's suicide but I'm a vegetarian) and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! (the exclamation marks seem to suggest a perkiness that contradicts you dear Ebony) I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. (did you take it to the beach? Because I swear to Christ every time I do sand gets everywhere. And I mean everywhere!) I put on black high heels with pink (GASP, the prep colour! You're a traitor to the 'goffik' cause Ebony!) (speaking of which, what is the 'goffik' cause? Bad grammar and unnecessary exclamations and outfit describtions?) metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. (neither can we) Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap (Severus's quirky and 'snappy' cousin) was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! (So 'Loopin' finds your batheing encouraging to his chewing skill? And also HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TOUCH MY REMUS-BABY, I'm sorry but that man is like a father to me) They were sitting on their broomsticks. (Noooooo, really? I thought they were flying on their own fart power)
"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" (no dear, they're filming for Attenborough's new nature programme: 'The Lives of Mary Sues') I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason (ffs. I know for a fact that Marilyn Manson would smack you in the face Tara) on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.
"Abra Kedavra!" (Tara please, decide what spell you're going to use: is this a joke parody or a cruel murder? We'll never know. Probably both.) he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. (how? Why? What did he achieve? I took my gun (YOUR WAND EBONY, USE YOUR WAND) and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion (bitch that aint a real number) times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape (THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE WE HAVE SOME CORRECT SPELLING HELL MOTHER-FUCKING YEAH) and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…
Hargrid (a grid of hars) ran outside on his broom (don't do it hagrid!) and said everyone we need to talk. (well that isn't a lie- set these hoes right Rubeus)
"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" (…no he's not)
"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT (which you're not love)…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" (oh Christ alive, is anyone in the Potter-verse safe?)
"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp (of course his voice is crispy- he's a snappy guy) voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." (too right, can we have some more explanation?))
"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. (shut up Ebony, let the man explain!)
Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. (so he held up the camera like a triumphant elephant...I would pay to see that) "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"
I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. (maybe you have diabetes sweetheart)
"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. (why does Remus have a clock? Why carry that around all the time? Just get a pocket watch fella, much less awkward)
And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. (everyone, for the sake of Ebony's health, please stop admitting to be Satanist/goff/emo/assholes. Or, alternatively, do.)
"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. (… I have no words)
"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. (Severus is the original MVP, he aint scared of nothing)
"Because I LOVE HER!" (Lord above that is not how you confess to a psycho-bitch)
I forgot how much I love doing this.
