Author: Raven Shadowrose

Title: To Catch a Falling Star

Rating: M

Pairing: Dixie/Hannah, Jeff/Emilie, ?/?

Summary: A sequel to The Ties That Bind. What will happen to the Holby paramedics and their partners when a traumatic event tests the bonds of their relationships and friendships?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Casualty, any dialogue from the show belongs to the writers and I claim no ownership. All original characters and the story are my property and I do not give permission for them to be used.

A/N: There will be some chapters in this story that may upset some people, a warning will be placed at the start of each chapter that contains sensitive/upsetting material. Reviews are welcome :)

Thank you to BeethovenRIP, DixieandJeff forever, cenalover and Sparkles and Rainbows for your reviews. I really do appreciate your support in writing this emotional story, your comments keep me writing :)

Another tough chapter for me to write, I have found this one to be highly emotional. This chapter might be difficult for some people to read, especially due to the situation that is detailed here. If you wish to stop reading then you may do so at any time.


Chapter Eleven.

Jeff awoke to a pounding headache, it sat behind his eyes and he closed them for a few moments to try and get rid of it. He remembered having an argument with Dixie and blaming her for letting Polly go into the college. He felt guilty for what he had said to Dixie, she hadn't done anything wrong, Polly had volunteered to go inside the college. Jeff felt that he was to blame for everything that had happened to Polly, he had failed to protect her, he had let everyone down. He didn't want anyone to help him, he lashed out at anyone that tried to talk to him. Dixie and Emile had both been on the end of his temper, he had said some very horrible things to both of them. Jeff thought that it was a miracle that Emilie was still with him, that she hadn't left him to look after himself. He privately thought that it was what he deserved, he wasn't worthy of being her knight, he was a coward. Jeff felt his headache get worse, he put it down to the alcohol that he had drunk and the stress that he was under. Getting drunk had driven back the flashbacks for a short time, it had stopped working, the flashbacks were more vivid than ever. It felt to Jeff as if he was back in the college, as if it was all happening over again. The sounds of the fire alarm and of the students screaming made their way into his waking life whenever they felt like it. Jeff didn't know when he was going to have a flashback, it only took the slightest trigger to set them off.

It was some time before Jeff realised that he was alone in bed, he looked at the clock and realised that it was late morning, he had slept in, Dixie would be furious with him. He noticed that there was a note from Emilie next to a glass of water and some painkillers. Jeff swallowed the tablets down gratefully, he hoped that they would help to get rid of his headache. He was afraid to read Emilie's note, what if it said that she was leaving him? Even though Jeff had tried to push Emilie away, having her at home with him made Jeff feel better. He would wait until she was asleep and then he would cuddle up to her, her warmth comforted Jeff when the nightmares had woken him up. Jeff slowly sat up, he took a deep breath in and then he picked up Emilie's note. It told him that Dixie had given him the day off, that explained why Dixie hadn't called. It also said that she wanted to talk, Jeff wasn't sure what about, would she tell him that she was leaving him? Was it because she had seen him having the flashback last night? He didn't remember if he had said anything to Emilie and Dixie, the flashback had exhausted him. Jeff rubbed his eyes, he might have slept in, but he was still feeling tired. The constant battle with his emotions had exhausted Jeff, he felt as if he could sleep for a very long time.

Emilie's mind was on Jeff, she had watched him sleep before she left the house for work. He had looked as if he was resting, as if he was sleeping properly for the first time in the weeks that had passed since the day that he had been called out to the college. It had been a testing time for Emilie too, she'd had to endure Jeff's moods and the times that he had lost his temper. He had said some very hurtful things, Emilie tried to remember that Jeff didn't mean the things that he said, that he was suffering through a lot of pain. He was feeling guilty over what had happened to Polly, Emilie saw it whenever she looked at him. She wondered what Jeff meant by that it should have been him that had been shot inside the college. He had said it when he had been coming out of the flashback, had he remembered what happened? If he had, would he open up about his experiences? Emilie vowed not to push Jeff into talking to her, he needed to decide when to talk about what he had been through. She wanted him to talk to someone, whether it was herself, or Dixie, or the counsellor at the hospital. It was clear to Emilie that Jeff needed help, that he needed to work through all of his issues. Working through everything was going to take time, there couldn't be any short cuts. If Jeff was going to heal and come through everything that he was currently going through, he needed to do it properly, he needed to talk, to cry, to face up to the pain and the guilt that was inside of him. Jeff needed to allow himself to be vulnerable in front of people, that would be the hardest part of it all for him.

Jeff sat in the lounge, he'd had a shower after his headache had gone, he'd had some breakfast and walked Little Abs. It was quiet in the house without Emilie, he missed her, he knew that he was going to have to apologise for everything that he had said. Jeff wasn't sure if Emilie wanted to marry him, he hoped that she wanted to, he loved her so very much. He would have to apologise to Dixie as well, he had said some very nasty things to her. The comments that he had made about her relationship with Hannah had been uncalled for. Jeff sighed, he was carrying a lot of guilt, he hadn't been to see Polly, he had left her in the hospital when he should have been by her side. He had promised to protect Polly, to care for her, he was failing on everything that he had promised to do for her. Jeff turned on the television, he hoped that watching something would distract him from thinking about everything that he had failed at. He flicked through the channels and stopped when the news came on, the report was just changing over, the woman started talking about a shooting that had occurred at a school in America. Jeff felt his breathing quicken, he heard the sound of the fire alarm in his mind, he knew that a flashback was on it way. He tried to stop it happening, but it was too late, it was as if he was inside the college all over again.

The fire alarm is the first thing that I hear, the sound doesn't end, it just goes on and on. I wish that someone would shut it up. I try to concentrate on packing up the bags and making sure that everything is together for when we leave the college. I know that Dixie will kill me if I leave anything behind. Polly is collecting up the used bits of equipment and she puts them into the clinical waste bags. I start to put the bags behind Polly and I turn when I hear her scream, there's no time to react, she moves in front of me as the boy with gun fires. He had been aiming for me, Polly got in the way, the bullets hit her in rapid succession. I just about manage to catch her as she falls forward. 'Polly,' I said quietly. 'Why?' It's all I can say, I think I'm in shock.

'Better you than me, you have Emilie, you have your children, they need you. I don't have anyone that really needs me.'

'That's not true, I need you, the twins need you too.' I move my hand from Polly's back, it has her blood on it, she is bleeding badly from her wounds. All of my training leaves my mind, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to help her. I can't think, I can't say anything, I can't do anything. I slowly pick Polly up in my arms, I need to get her to Dixie, she will be able to help her. I walk away from the college, from the police that have just shot the boy with the gun, from the equipment bags that I have left behind. I walk away from the carnage, my only focus is the young woman in my arms, the woman that I promised to protect, the woman that ended up protecting me. I failed her, she is hurt, and it is all my fault. I walk out of the college and into the pale sunlight, Polly needs help, the help that I cannot give to her. I have failed everyone, this is all my fault.

Jeff curled himself up in a ball on the floor, he remembered everything, it was all his fault. If he had been paying more attention, if he had looked around then Polly wouldn't have got hurt. 'It should have been me, I was the one that should have been shot.' The memory that Jeff had been burying was no longer hidden. He felt numb, he was a failure, he had let everyone down. What he had actually done was worse than what he had thought he had done. How could he face everyone now? How could he tell them that the only reason he was alive was because Polly had saved him? How could he tell his friends and Emilie that he had let a young woman take a bullet for him? Jeff felt that he deserved to be called a coward, that he deserved to have everyone he cared for hate him. He hated himself, he felt that he didn't deserve to be alive. Jeff wanted the pain of remembering to go away, he wanted it all to end, he didn't want to feel like the failure he was. He slowly got up off the floor, he knew where he had to go, he knew what he had to do.

Dixie's mind wasn't really on the paperwork that she had been completing, it was on Jeff, she just wanted to help him. Seeing him have the flashback had been quite shocking, he had retreated inside his own mind. It was as if Jeff was no longer there, she had tried her best to comfort Jeff and support him through the flashback. It had hurt her to see Jeff in such a bad way, he was struggling with everything that he was going through. It hurt Dixie to see Jeff in so much pain, she wanted him to open up to her, she wanted to help him through this time. Dixie knew that she would give anything just to see Jeff smile again. She wished that he would agree to see a counsellor, to get the help that he so desperately needed. What Jeff had said had hurt Dixie, she had forgotten it all the moment that Jeff had started having his flashback. All mattered was that she was there for her friend, all that mattered was she did her best to help Jeff through what he was seeing. Dixie admired Emilie's strength, someone else might have abandoned Jeff by now. Emilie had proved herself worthy of being Jeff's partner time and time again, Dixie had warmed to her a great deal. Dixie vowed that she would help Jeff through everything that he was going through. She vowed that she would one day see Emilie and Jeff get married, that her best friend would be happy again. She made a silent promise to be by Jeff's side whenever he needed her.

Jeff found himself by Polly's bedside, he wasn't sure how he had made it to the hospital, how he had made it to Polly's bed in the ICU. He just looked at Polly, she looked so small, so fragile. The nurse had informed him that Polly had made a great deal of progress in the past few weeks, he had barely taken in anything that she had said to him. Jeff sat down and he took a deep breath, he wasn't sure what to say to Polly now that he was here with her. He looked at all of the gifts and the get well cards that were next to Polly's bed. Jeff saw Elizabeth's teddy sat in pride of place, Polly had bought it for her just after the twins had been born. 'Polly, I'm sorry it took me so long to come and see you. I was afraid that you wouldn't want to see me, that you would blame me for what happened in the college. I blame myself, you're here because of me, if you had let him shoot me then you would be awake and well. I should be the one lying here, I should be the one that is at risk of being severely hurt.' Jeff blinked back the tears that were forming in his eyes. 'I'm so sorry princess, I've let everyone down. I've hurt Emilie and Dixie, I've said some unforgivable things to them. I think that you would be ashamed of me if you knew about everything that I have done.' He just sat in silence for a few moments, he waited for Polly to open her eyes and speak to him. Jeff sighed again, he wasn't sure what else that he should say to Polly now that he was sat with her.

Time passed and Jeff just watched Polly, he noticed that her fingers and eyelids moved every so often. 'Polly, you look as if you're asleep, I keep expecting you to wake up at any moment. I want you to wake up, I wish that I could see you smile again, I wish that I could hear you laugh.' It took all of Jeff's strength to keep himself from crying in front of Polly. 'Today, I remembered everything that happened, I'm sorry that you're here, I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry that you've lost some of your life to this coma. It's all my fault, I shouldn't have agreed to let you go in the college with me. I should have told you no, I should have done something, I should have protected you.' Jeff looked at Polly again, she was still and quiet, he wished that she would wake up. 'I want you to wake up, I want you to shout at me, I want you to tell me that you hate me. I know that I deserve it, I know that I have let so many people down. I told Emilie that I didn't want to marry her, I blamed Dixie for you getting hurt. I've said so many unforgivable things, how can I look them in the eye now? I don't deserve their help or their friendship.' Jeff stood up and he gently kissed Polly on the head. 'I know that you're going to wake up soon Pol, I don't want you to blame yourself when you find out what I have done. This is for the best, if I do this then I won't be able to hurt the people that I love, they are better off without me, you're better off without me. Goodbye Polly.' Jeff kissed Polly on the head again and he left the ICU, he had to do this before he changed his mind.

Dixie jumped when someone knocked on her door, she had been thinking about Jeff and how she was going to help him. Hannah put her head around the door, Dixie saw that she looked very pale and as if something was bothering her. 'Hannah, what's wrong, is it Polly?'

'It's Jeff.'

'What is it? What's going on?'

'There's no easy way to tell you this, I'd say sit down, but you already are.'

'You're scaring me, Hannah, what's going on?'

'Jeff is on the roof of the hospital, we think that he is going to jump.'

'How did he get up there?'

'We're not sure, the ICU nurse has told us that he went to visit Polly about half an hour ago.'

'What do I do?'

'He needs you Dixie, I think that he has remembered what happened in the college.'

'I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do.'

'Dixie, he is your best friend, he needs someone to talk him down, you can do this.'

'Can I?'

'Yes. I've called Emilie and she is on her way here.'

'Hannah, what if he jumps, what will I tell Sophia and John?'

'He won't, you're going to help Emilie to talk him down. Jeff needs you both now, he needs your help. I know that you can do this Dixie. You are his best friend, he needs you now, go and be with him. I believe in you.' Dixie tried her hardest to smile, Hannah was right, her best friend needed her, she needed to help him. Dixie needed to get Jeff down off the roof for Sophia and John, they loved their dad and would be heartbroken if he died.

Jeff looked out over Holby, it was peaceful up on the roof, he could barely hear the cars and the noise from the people going about their daily business. He was trying his best not to look down, the drop that was below him scared him. If he looked down then he would lose his courage, he would lose his conviction that this was what he had to do. Jeff knew that people had seen him, there were plenty enough of them around the hospital. He couldn't make out who they were, he didn't care who they were, he just wanted all of the pain to end. If he did this then he couldn't hurt Dixie or Emilie again, he hoped that everyone he loved would forgive him. Jeff's mind turned to Sophia and John, he wanted to talk to them, but he didn't want them to find out how much he had messed up. Sophia and John loved Emilie, if they found out how much he had hurt her, they would be disappointed in him. He didn't want his kids to be disappointed in him, he didn't want to cause them more pain. Jeff thought that he had hurt them enough during the divorce from Lucy, he had let them down enough already. Would Emilie be disappointed in him, would she find someone else to love her? He hoped that she would find someone that deserved her, someone that wasn't a coward.

Dixie and Emilie made their way up onto the roof, they hadn't spoke much in the time it had taken them to get up there. Emilie looked very pale and Dixie noted that her hands were shaking as they walked across the roof to where Jeff was stood. 'Emilie, are you all right?'

'I don't like heights, I've always been afraid of them.'

'Do you want me to go on alone?'

'No, I have to do this, Jeff needs us.' Dixie took hold of Emilie's hand and she squeezed it.

'Together, I won't let you fall Emilie, I promise.'

'Thanks Dixie.'

'Come on, let's go and rescue your knight.' Dixie squeezed Emilie's hand again, the poor woman looked terrified, but determined to help Jeff. It had obviously taken Emilie a lot of courage to go up on the roof, Dixie appreciated her bravery. She hoped that with Emilie's help they would be able to talk Jeff down and get him to safety. Dixie didn't want her best friend to end his life in this way, he was suffering and he was alone, Jeff needed to know that people cared for him.

Emilie took a few deep breaths, Dixie was holding her hand, she took strength from it. Being so high up was making Emilie nervous, she avoided heights whenever she had the choice. She didn't have a choice now, she had to be up here, she had to get Jeff down. She loved Jeff, she wouldn't let him jump to his death. Emilie looked at Dixie and they slowly walked over to Jeff, now that she was here, she wasn't sure what she should say to him. 'Just speak from your heart Emilie.'

'Okay, I'll do my best.'

'Of course you will, I know that Jeff loves you, reach out to him, you can get him down.'

'I am glad that you believe in me Dixie.' Emilie smiled at Dixie, she hoped that she would be able to talk Jeff down, that she would be able to get through to him. She slowly walked forward with Dixie, she stopped when she was close to Jeff and then she took a deep breath. 'Jeff, I know that you can hear me, you don't have to say anything, I just want you to listen to me. I think that you remembered what happened in the college, I might be just guessing, but I think that Polly protected you in some way. You feel guilty for being alive and healthy when Polly is lying in a hospital bed.' Emilie chose her words carefully as she spoke, she didn't want to push Jeff off the edge. 'That is why you're up here, isn't it? You think that ending your life will somehow put things right. What will the people that love you do when you're gone? You have people that care for you Jeff; Sophia and John, Dixie and Hannah, Thomas and Elizabeth, Polly, Cyd, me. What will we do when you're no longer here?' Emilie felt tears running down her face. 'I love you Jeff, you might not want me to, you might want me to hate you, but I can't. I love you, seeing you like this breaks my heart. I see that you're in pain, that you're hurting, that you need help.' Emilie closed her eyes and tried to compose herself, she was feeling very emotional as she tried to talk the man that she loved out of trying to end his life.

Dixie realised that she was crying, Emilie's love for Jeff came through in her words. 'Jeff, I remember the day that we met. I remember the first time that I saw your face, the first time that I saw your eyes and your cheeky smile. Those same eyes are now filled with pain and regret, I haven't seen your cheeky smile in weeks, I miss it.' Dixie just let Emilie talk, she hoped that she was getting through to Jeff. 'We've had a lot of firsts in our relationship; our first date, I surprised you by telling you that I am a vegetarian. Our first kiss, it was perfect, I can't describe it any other way. Our first night together, you were a perfect gentleman, you just held me and kept me safe in your arms. The first time you told me that you loved me, the first time that we made love. The night that you proposed to me, it was beautiful, I relive that night from time to time. All of these things are in my memories, I don't want to let you go, I don't want to lose you. I love you Jeffrey Collier, you might not want me to, but I do.' Dixie wiped away her tears with the back of her hand, Emilie's speech reminded her of the way that she felt about Hannah, of the way that she loved her wife. Emilie's words were genuine, Dixie was sure of it. 'I love you, please don't leave me.' Emilie's voice faltered on the last words and she walked towards Jeff, he held her hand out to him. 'Take my hand, please come home with me, let me be your knight, let me save you.' Dixie held her breath, she wondered what Jeff would do, would he move away from the edge?

Emilie waited with her hand held out to Jeff, she hoped that her words had got through to him, that he would take her hand and come away from the edge. She was still nervous, she was still waiting for Jeff to make his decision. Jeff slowly turned around and Emilie saw that he was crying, he put his hand in hers and she stepped back from the edge of the roof. Emilie put her arms around Jeff and he cried into her shoulder, she carefully guided Jeff to the ground and she held him close to her as he broke down completely. 'It's okay, it's okay, just let it all out.' Emilie gently kissed Jeff on the head, she felt his arms move around her and he held onto her. 'Don't leave me,' Jeff said quietly, Emilie almost missed him talking to her.

'I won't leave you, I promise.' She kissed him on the head again and she stroked her hand up and down Jeff's back to comfort him. 'I love you, always, we'll get through this, we'll face it together.' Emilie just held Jeff in her arms, he needed to cry, he needed to let out all of the grief that he had kept inside of him.

Dixie watched Emilie and Jeff, she was about to back away when Emilie looked straight at her. 'Dixie, come here.' She went over to where Emilie was holding Jeff in her arms. 'What do you need?'

'He's going to need you too Dixie, he needs us all.' Dixie understood what Emilie was saying, she put her arms around Jeff and hugged him.

'It's okay mate, I'm here.' Jeff was shaking, he was obviously still crying. 'We've got you, you're not alone.' Dixie put her hand on Emilie's arm. 'I knew that you could do it Emilie, you did brilliantly.'

'Thanks Dixie, will you help me get Jeff home?'

'Of course I will.' Dixie and Emilie hugged Jeff between them until he stopped crying, they helped him up and Dixie wrapped her coat around his shoulders. They slowly helped Jeff inside and away from the roof, the coming months would be hard for them all. Dixie and Emilie vowed to get Jeff the help that he needed, to support him through it all, to let him know that he had people around him that loved him and wanted him in their world.