They say that time doesn't follow its usual patterns when a loved one dies. The grieving process tends to interfere with that—days last forever, years go by in the blink of an eye, you constantly feel drawn back to the time when you were with the one who died. A part of you has died, too. It's only natural that you feel as though your world is ending.

The days lasting forever is a side-effect that's short lived. You haven't even gotten through a year before you realize what's happening. You're numb to the changings of the world around you, you don't feel its regressions. All you can feel is the crushing reality of your loss, and a slight tugging in the pit of your stomach.

You don't know how it's happening, all you know is that Sirius Black is standing in front of you now, some of the stress lining his face from the war smoothed over, some more of that shine in his eyes.

Tears are welling up in your eyes before you can stop them. "Sirius." Your voice is small, unbelieving, as though merely saying the name out loud would shatter the mirage before you.

"Uh, hey Remus?" Sirius shoots you a quizzical look, his head tilted to one side. Your heart leaps because he can see you, too, and he can speak to you. "Is there a reason you're staring at me like I'm about to burst into flames?"

You can't respond, you rush forward and pull him into the tightest hug you can manage. After a second, he returns it just as fiercely. You're truly sobbing now, but just as soon as it happens, it's all gone.

.

You're flung back into your own life, back and forth between your future and a new version of your past. Every time you go back, you go back just slightly further than the last past you left. Every time you return to your own timeline, it's as though you've missed the periods of time in which you were with Sirius. You don't understand it; you don't really try to.

Secretly, you wish that this new, past version of you—the you thrown back in time to spend time with Sirius, the you who knows all your own future missteps and the dark effects of the war—you wish that this version could have been your own past.

You wish you could've lived your live knowing what you do now. You wonder how things could've been different. But there's only so much you can change in the snippets that you revisit. There's only so much time left, time when you aren't enjoying the ability to be young again, to be with Sirius.

.

It's hard to keep living in both your own past and present. Some events feel forced upon you, like you're being dragged to them against your will. The choices you make in your present—those unaffected by the influence of your newfound past escapades—those are still set in stone for you. You can't stop them, you're merely stuck in your body, forced to watch them play out before you.

It draws a painful metaphor to your werewolf transformations. You try not to think about the cruel fate of your life.

.

Dumbledore asks you to go live among the werewolves for a year, and you can't say no. Even if you weren't stuck in this hand-of-god life, you'd do anything Dumbledore needed from you. You're the only one who can go on this mission.

But being able to see Sirius, being able to go back to the years where he was fresh out of Azkaban, twelve years of longing to make up for, almost makes the experience bearable.

He's more vulnerable now. You can't remember a time where you'd seen him so open—not until his escape from prison. It had changed him. Even going back, even ageing in reverse on every odd day wasn't enough to bring back the Sirius you once knew. That swagger is gone, or diminished at least. He looks at you, his eyes like liquid platinum, boring into yours as he tells you what he went through.

.

The travel is disorienting. It's not like Floo Powder, you don't feel the transition between worlds. You merely wake up some days and find yourself in years prior. Some days, you're still in your own deeply war-torn world.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asks. He's got a pair of sunglasses resting atop his head. He's still in hiding; you're not sure the last time he saw the sun enough to bother, but you didn't argue the point.

"I'm alright. I just—I just want the world to stop turning. Just for a minute." You sigh. "I just need a minute."

Sirius wraps an arm around your shoulder, holding you close. "Take all the time you need."

But you can't. You don't have all the time you need, because just when you get settled in here, you're whisked back to your own time. A time where Sirius is dead and you're forced to move on with your life. You're not sure how much longer you can keep this up.

.

"I'm sorry, you married my cousin?"

"I—"

Sirius laughs, a deep, warm sound. You missed this more than anything, so you let him go on. "I mean, I'm sure you were lonely, but Merlin, Remus." Despite the humor in his words, you can feel the disappointment, and it's killing you. But you never thought you'd see him again, and here you are.

You grin weakly, leaning into his shoulder. The sitting room at Grimmauld Place had always made you feel uneasy, but as Sirius wrapped his arm around your shoulder, you eased into his embrace. "She doesn't know me like you do."

"Naw, I'm pretty sure the only person who knows you better than I do is you, Moony."

"You're not upset, then?"

There's a pause, then, "I—just taken aback, I think. Just so long as you don't go having babies with her…"

.

"What did you do?"

You stare at him with wide eyes, mouth agape. "What?"

"No need to act so shocked, Remus. I know you. You're a shit liar. So, what'd you do?"

With a sigh, you look up, meeting his eyes. "Remember last time I saw you? What you said when I left?"

It took a moment, but then it clicked. "You didn't."

"I definitely didn't mean to." Remus glanced around, taking in the room. They were both younger than they had been before, younger than Remus really is. Too young to be living in a world this broken. "You don't hate me?"

"Hate is a bit harsh, isn't it? But if you keep abandoning your pregnant wife like this I might change my mind."

"I—"

Sirius just smiles. "You're going to have a baby, Moony! A baby Moony!"

Grinning, you lean into his embrace, wondering how your life managed to end up here.

.

The war is brutal.

You don't survive it, but if you're being honest, it's a miracle you've made it this far.

When you wake up the next morning, you're back in the past life you share with Sirius, in which your life moves backwards. You have a feeling you'll get to stay this time, though.

Sirius sees you, his face breaking into a grin. You try to return the expression, but you can guarantee you didn't make it convincing. You died. Well and truly died, and you left your baby boy to fend for himself. And you hate yourself for it, you really do.

But then you look at Sirius. Maybe it's destiny that you get to have an afterlife with him. Maybe your life was always drawn to this ending.

"Hey," he says, slipping his hand into yours.

You squeeze it gently, firmly. "Sirius. I—I'm here for good this time. I get to stay; I get to be with you. My everything… Everything I am is because of you, you know that? It's all because of you."

.

A/N: Written for: Advent Calendar Day 25: (song) She Don't Know Me – Mullally;

Writing Club – Disney Challenge D1: "Everything I am is because of you."; Trope of the Month 1: (dialogue) "What did you do?"; Showtime 42: (word) Destiny; Angel's Arcade 2: (object) Sunglasses, (word) Swagger, (trait) Sarcastic; Bex's Basement 2: Write a fic using the Deaged Trope;

Seasonal – Days of the Year Jan 31: Write about someone doing something backwards; Winter Prompts: (word) Harsh; Color Prompts: Platinum; Birthstones – Tanzanite: (dialogue) "Is there a reason you're staring at me like I'm about to burst into flames?";Flowers – Plum Blossom: (theme) New Start;Elemental – Characteristic: Write about someone who is acting very emotionally; Winter in Japan – Write about the effects of war on someone; Slytherin Challenge: (trait) Determined;Star Chart: (dialogue) "I just want the world to stop turning. Just for a minute. I just need a minute.";

Writing Month and Dragons: wc 1349