Disclaimer: I don't own the Hobbit!

A/N: Hey, everyone!

DALA, YOU CAN'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT! She already did. Yeah, I know, but she didn't need to insult an entire fandom. I think it's funny. Shut up. You're not the one trying to write a story and get some reviews. Then start insulting them like Dala did. NO!

Enjoy! Please review! Now insult them. Shut up!


Ruses and Roasts

Kili had abandoned him. In the face of danger, and death for that matter, the Dwarf had abandoned Bilbo to the mercy of a troll. Not that the troll had any mercy, from Bilbo's first impression of the creature. But really, Bilbo could not understand how he kept getting into these kinds of situation. Blast that wizard and his 'good morning'. Bilbo should have just stayed in his cozy little smial and forgotten all about Gandalf's wizard. It was a little late to be complaining about wizards, though, when Bilbo was face to face with a monstrous troll.

The troll had Bilbo's legs in a tight grip as he hung the Hobbit upside down to inspect him. The blood had long ago left Bilbo's feet, heading straight for his head. Bilbo truly hoped the troll would either kill him or put him upright soon. Either one was fine with him, just so long as he didn't feel the blood rushing to his head anymore.

"What are ya?" the troll asked Bilbo, shaking him. Bilbo winced as his teeth were jarred in his skull.

"I-I'm a Hobbit," he said in a shaky voice. The troll snorted and brought him closer to stare into his face.

"What's a . . . Hobbit?" he asked. Bilbo coughed as the troll snorted again. Its breath was horrendous, smelling of rotting things and bad food. "Can we eat it?"

"Yes," Bilbo said quickly before he changed his mind. "No! No, you may not!"

"Not much meat on ya," the troll said, poking Bilbo in the chest. Bilbo winced at that. The troll must have had no sense of its strength. "Are there any more of ya hidin' around here?"

"Nope, none," Bilbo said. "Besides, you can't eat us Hobbits. You would die." The troll snorted at that, a look of shock on his face.

"Why not?"

"Because, uh, our Mother will get mad at you," Bilbo said. When the troll frowned he nodded seriously. "Oh yes, our Mother loves us very dearly. If anyone ever attacks us all we have to say is 'Mother, help us' and she will send her guards to rescue us."

"Guards?" the troll repeated, a hopeful tone in his voice. "We could eat them." Bilbo's heart sank at that.

"Oh no, you don't want to do that," he said quickly. "You really wouldn't want to chance it. They'd give you terrible indigestion. I wouldn't risk it."

"Why not?" the troll asked in a suspicious voice. Bilbo had to rack his brain for an answer. He could sense the troll was starting to not believe him.

"Because they're made of stone," Bilbo told the troll. The dizziness in his head was growing from hanging upside down too long. "Not to mention it wouldn't kill them and they would only kill you from the inside out." The troll snorted at him again then turned, moving with crashing footsteps through the forest.

"Wait, where are you taking me?" Bilbo asked, his panic rising. "Weren't you listening to me?"

"Ya'll bring us food," the troll said. "Or we'll eat ya."

"Oh blast it."

O.o.O

Kili was not going to abandon Bilbo if his life depended on it. He would take on the troll single-handedly if he had to, even if it was with only his bow and arrows. There was no way in the universe he was leaving Bilbo to die and be eaten by a troll.

The forest's docking station had been built in a clearing in the forest. Very few ships went there during their day, using it only at night as a place to rest until morning. The actual village of Bree was notorious for closing its gates at dusk and only opening them at dawn. The docking station itself was essentially nothing more than a paved square of space decorated with a white and red bulls-eye.

Kili flew out of the tree line and into the clearing of the docking station. The ship was just where he had left it with its door wide open. When Kili had first seen the ship he had told Thorin it looked like a beetle with a tumor on its head instead of antennae. Thorin had been less than pleased with the statement and Kili had been stuck scrubbing floors for a month. The Arkenstone was clearly not to be insulted.

Leaping through the door, Kili landed gracelessly on the floor and took off up the cargo bay stairs to the second floor. There was a moment in the dining room when he tripped over a chair someone had left pulled out. Kili cursed loudly, not caring if anyone heard him now. He needed everyone awake and now. Pounding down the hall, he skidded to a stop outside Thorin's bedroom door and thumped his fist against it repeatedly.

"Thorin! Thorin! Thorin! Thorin! Thorin!" Kili shouted over and over again until the door was wrenched open. His uncle stood before him, a livid expression on his face. "Trolls!" Kili said before he jumped to the door next to him. "Dwalin! Balin! Dwalin! Balin!" he shouted, pounding on the door. Strong hands grabbed his arms and jerked him back from the door.

"What in Durin's name are you talking about?" Thorin growled at his nephew. Kili twisted in his uncle's grip until he was released. Whirling to face Thorin, Kili did the one thing his family hated most. He talked fast and expected everyone to understand him.

"Bilbo ran out into the forest when he woke up so I chased him to try and stop him but then we were attacked by a troll and it grabbed Bilbo but I didn't have anything to fight it with so I came back here as quickly as I could."

"Kili, slow down," Thorin ordered, clapping a hand on Kili's shoulder. Taking a deep breath, Kili explained slower.

"I chased Bilbo into the forest," he said. The door behind him opened and a bleary-eyed Balin stepped out. "And a troll attacked us. We tried to run away but it grabbed Bilbo."

"So you ran back here to get help," Thorin finished. Kili nodded eagerly. He watched Thorin's expression, waiting for the verdict.

"Thorin." Thorin's gaze shifted over Kili's expression to Balin. Kili could never thank his uncle for what happened next.

"WAKE UP!" Thorin roared. "ATTACK! GRAB YOUR WEAPONS!" Thumps echoed through the sleeping quarters as Dwarves leapt out of bed and threw on their boots, grabbing their weapons. Thorin squeezed Kili's shoulder. "Go get your brother, Bofur, and Bifur."

Nodding, Kili fled from the sleeping quarters to the dining room and up to the third floor. He didn't hesitate to grab Bifur's door, the closest to the engine room, and kick it open.

"Wake up," he shouted down the hatch. "Bilbo's in trouble!" A furious should in Khuzdul carried up through the doorway and Kili leapt to Bofur's door, doing the same thing there. Fili had already woken up and was climbing out of his room with his twin swords strapped to his back when Kili raced to his own room.

"What's going on, Kili?" Fili asked.

Kili ignored him as he kicked his door open and launched himself through the hatch. Thorin was always telling him he was going to break an ankle one day. But right now, Kili couldn't have cared less. He grabbed his bow, a quiver of arrows, and his sword. Clambering back up the ladder, he found Bofur, Bifur, and Fili waiting for him.

"What happened ta Bilbo?" Bofur asked Kili who was already flying back down the stairs. Footsteps followed him down and he led the way to the cargo bay.

Thorin had gathered the other Dwarves near the door, trying to answer their demands. Only Balin and Dwalin were silent beside him. Seven faces turned to Kili as he threw himself down the stairs. Kili only came to a halt once he had reached the crew.

"Why are we still standing here?" he asked Thorin. "We need to save Bilbo."

"Bilbo?" Nori repeated. "What happened to him?"

"Isn't he in his room?" Dori asked.

"No," Balin said seriously. "I checked it before coming down here. His room is empty, just as young Kili said."

"Then what happened?" Ori asked. Kili groaned and fisted his hair.

"You have got to be kidding me," he said. "We don't have time to stand around and talk. We have to save Bilbo before the troll eats him."

"What troll?" Dwalin asked suspiciously. "We're not goin' anywhere until you tell us what's goin' on."

"Fine, but this is the fast version," Kili said. Fili frowned and crossed his arms, watching his younger brother intently. Fast versions were usually useless to anyone. "Bilbo ran away. I ran after him. We got attacked by a troll. It grabbed Bilbo. I came back here to get help. End of story." He looked around at the surrounding Dwarves. "Well?"

Thorin stepped aside from blocking the door. "Lead the way," he said.

Kili darted out the door, twelve other Dwarves close behind him. They raced into the tree line and through the forest. The trees blurred together as Kili ran, praying Bilbo would still be alive when they reached him. It wasn't until they reached the last place Kili had seen the troll and Bilbo that he stopped. The other Dwarves slowed down, looking around themselves.

"Well, where is it?" Dori asked. "I don't see any trolls."

"Kili, if this was one of your stories," Thorin began, but Kili cut him off.

"I'm not making this up, Thorin," he said hurriedly. "There was a troll here and it grabbed Bilbo. What else could have torn up the trees like that?" He pointed at the uprooted trees behind him.

"He does have a point," Balin said. "Perhaps we should split up and try to find the trolls." A loud sneeze echoed through the forest, causing the younger Dwarves to jump in surprise.

"Or not," Dwalin growled out. Reaching back, he pulled Grasper and Keeper from their harness. "Let's take them on."

"Wait," Thorin said, holding up a hand. "If we take them on now they might kill Bilbo. We need to approach quietly and see what is happening."

"Fine," Dwain said. "But I'm takin' out a troll the first chance I get."

"Fair enough," Thorin said. "Now let's move."

Kili was close behind his uncle as they made their way quietly through the forest. A flickering light in the distance caught his eye. Slowly, with every step they took, it grew closer and closer until he heard voices. They were harsh voices, speaking like rocks clashing against each other. Both confusion and anger were clear in the voices.

"What do you mean we can't eat it, Bert?" one troll asked in a nasally voice.

Crouching behind a fallen log, Thorin motioned for the rest of the crew to do the same. Kili knelt down but kept his eyes glued on the clearing. Three trolls stood around a fire, logs and boulders behind them acting as chairs. A large cauldron sat over the blazing fire, bubbling quietly. It was Bilbo, though, that Kili's eyes focused on. The Hobbit was clutched in a troll's great hand as it showed him to the others.

"Because, Bill," the first roll – Bert – said. "It said so."

"And why is you listenin' to somethin' we can eat?" the third troll asked.

"Yeah, Tom's right," Bill, or William as he was better known, said. "Why are you listenin' to the food instead of eatin' it?"

"It said it can brin' more food," Bert said. "Just by sayin' a few words."

"I didn't say I would bring you more food," Bilbo's voice rang across the clearing. Thorin looked to Kili who swallowed hard. "I said if you hurt me my Mother would said guards to rescue me." The words echoed through Kili's mind and a plan began to form.

"And who's yer . . . Mother?" Bert asked with a sniff. He poked Bilbo in the chest again and Bilbo winced. "If yer lyin' I'll 'old ya over the fire."

"I'm not lying," Bilbo insisted desperately.

Kili leaned over to whisper his plan to Fili. His older brother gave him a look as if to ask 'are you mad?' Kili nodded to Gloin who crouched beside his brother. Leaning over, Fili whispered the plan to him. Kili shifted on the ground as he quietly drew his sword. Behind him the plan was making its way through the crew.

"Then who's yer Mother?"

"Sh-She is everywhere," Bilbo said. "She is great and beautiful. Her radiance makes the crops grow and the birds sing. Without her, there would be no day or night."

"He's talkin' in riddles, he is," Tom said.

"Ah, I never liked riddles," William pouted out. "Never have."

"Shut up, ya two," Bert snapped at the other trolls. Turning back to Bilbo, he growled. "Say it."

"Say what?" Bilbo asked.

"You know what I mean," Bert said. Bilbo squealed in surprise as he suddenly found himself hung upside down once more. "Say it!"

Thorin was the last to hear of the plan. Kili felt him stiffen and prepare to object, but it was too late. Kili had already made up his mind.

"M-Mother," Bilbo stuttered out from his position in the air. "Help me."

O.o.O

Bilbo wasn't sure which was worse: the prospect of dying from the blood rushing to his head or these three trolls' names. Bert, William, and Tom. Never before had he heard such terrible names in his life. Unless he counted his mother and her sisters: Belladonna, Donnamira, and Mirabella. What had his grandfather been thinking? Whatever it was Gerontius Took was thinking Bilbo would never know. At that moment he was too busy uttering those ridiculous words. He couldn't believe how stupid he would feel if no one came to rescue him, stupid and dead.

"M-Mother, help me."

Bilbo half expected nothing to happen. He expected the clearing to remain quiet and for the trolls to snort again and hold him in the fire. He expected to die a painful and hot death, remaining forgotten to his cousins and family on Hobbiton.

He was not, however, expecting Kili to dash out of the trees and slice his sword through William's foot. The smallest troll howled in pain, hopping up and down as he clutched his foot. Kili gave him one final stab before turning to Bert and Tom.

"Drop him," he said in a very clear voice. Bilbo's heart thudded against his chest at the sight of Kili gripping his sword tightly.

"You what?" Bert demanded.

"I said," Kili said, swinging his sword in a complete circle at his side. "Drop him." Bert roared and threw Bilbo at Kili who caught him in surprise, sending both Dwarf and Hobbit to the ground. Bilbo was aware of the Dwarf hugging him close as several pairs of boots thundered past him.

"Sorry," Kili said just before he tossed Bilbo to the side and scrambled to his feet. Bilbo yelped and glared at the Dwarf's retreating back. He didn't know what exactly Kili was apologizing for. The fact that he had just thrown Bilbo aside or that he had abandoned Bilbo in his greatest time of need. Bilbo made a mental note to ask him later.

The Dwarves, it turned out, where much better at fighting together than they were at living on a ship. Not once did they ever trip over another in their fight or bump into each other. If one Dwarf found himself in a bit of a fix then another was immediately there to rescue him. At one point Nori's head had been seized in the hand of William. Ori shot the troll in the eye with his slingshot before turning and running away from the roaring troll only to be seized by another. Dwalin threw himself off the cauldron to roll onto all fours, allowing Thorin to leap off his back and slice at the troll's arm. Ori was dropped with another howl from the troll.

Bilbo could only smile in disbelief at the sight before him. The Dwarves truly were an amazing people. His smile vanished when Bert's eyes fell on him. Scrambling to his feet, Bilbo tried to run away, but he was too slow. The trolls hand closed around him and he was dragged back off the ground. Another set of hands joined the first and Bilbo found himself hanging in the air once more, this time with his arms and legs gripped in unrelenting hands.

"Bilbo!" Kili shouted.

"No!" Thorin grabbed his nephew before he could do anything stupid.

"Lay down your arms," Bert ordered the Dwarves as he and Tom clutched Bilbo. "Or we'll rip 'is off."

Bilbo stared down at Thorin, his chest heaving in terror. Would Thorin abandon him? Allow the trolls to rip him to pieces right there in order for his crew to live? Was Bilbo about to die a more painful death than fire? Thorin glared at him for a second before he did something Bilbo would never forget. The captain of the Arkenstone threw his sword point first into the ground where it stuck there straight up. The other Dwarves threw down their weapons and Bilbo's heart sank. They were all doomed.

The trolls were quick to nab the Dwarves and tie them in sacks. Bilbo was thrown down next to Thorin where he started wondering if death by quarter and shafting wouldn't have been a better option. Thorin's glare was beyond furious. It had reached the red zone, if there was such a thing.

The cauldron was done away with and a spit was constructed in its place. Several of the Dwarves were secured tightly to it with ropes despite their protests. Tom and Bert took up the job of turning the spit while William circled it chuckling.

"Well done, Halfling," Thorin whispered loud enough for only Bilbo to hear. "Now we are all going to die." Bilbo's heart sunk and he started to wonder how he could get them out of this situation.

"Don't bother cookin' them," William was saying. "Let's just sit on them and squash them into jelly."

"They should be sautéed," Bert argued. "And sprinkled with just a bit of sage."

"Is this really necessary?" Dori shouted, struggling against his bonds. They held even him, the strongest Dwarf of the crew, captive.

"Hurry up," Tom shouted to Bert. "I don't want to be here when the sun rises. I don't fancy being turned to stone."

The words pricked at Bilbo's ears and he perked up. The sky was already beginning to pale behind the hill. Maybe if he kept the trolls distracted long enough the sun would rise and they would all be saved. Struggling to his feet in the sack, Bilbo hopped forward slightly, ignoring Balin's question aimed at him.

"You are making a terrible mistake," Bilbo told the trolls. Bert turned his gaze down at him and Tom snorted. "Squashing them into jelly won't make them taste any better and sage wouldn't do a thing."

"What do ya know about cookin' Dwarf?" Tom asked, but Bert hushed him.

"Let the Hobbit thingy talk," the other troll said. Bilbo swallowed hard as the three trolls turned their attention back on him. This moment was more terrifying than even the Fell Winter had been.

"You can't reason with them," Dori shouted at Bilbo. "They're halfwits."

"Halfwits?" Bofur repeated as he was spun around. "What does that make us?"

"W-Well," Bilbo began, thinking hard.

"Yes?" Bert prodded, abandoning his post at the spit to bend down near Bilbo. "What is it?"

"Y-You have to . . . Bilbo looked over his shoulder at Thorin whose expression had grown furious. "Skin them first!" The Dwarves erupted into furious protests at that. Dwalin even went so far as to threaten Bilbo's safety when all was said and done. Bilbo swallowed hard, certain the tall Dwarf would stay true to his word.

"That's rubbish," Tom said. "I've eaten plenty of Dwarves with their skins on."

"Ah, you see, those weren't these kinds of Dwarves, though," Bilbo said, thinking quickly. "These Dwarves aren't made from stone like they usually are. They're from diamond, which means you'd have to skin them before you even had the chance to eat them."

Tom made a face at that. "Liar," he growled. "He's tryin' to distract us."

"From what?" William asked. "There's no one in this forest but us."

"No one to 'ear ya scream," Bert added, prodding Bilbo in the chest once more. Bilbo winced at that. Bert had just reached out to grab at Bilbo when a deep voice rang through the trees.

"The dawn shall take you all!"


A/N: What did you think?

Alright, so the chapter wasn't really all that original. So sue me. I felt bad about the short chapter I posted this morning before work so I wrote this one for you. I must have re-written that chapter at least five times before I was finally partially happy with it. Well, let me know what you thought. Toodles!

Pollux of the Gemini Twins

(It's freezing in this room!)