Chapter Eleven – Silver
I remained awake during much of the night, despite feeling so unbearably tired. The couch I was attempting to sleep on wasn't particularly comfy, but that wasn't what was keeping me from sleeping. Even Silver's light snoring, which could typically lull me to sleep without a problem, wasn't as reassuring as it had been. Having him be so near to me was keeping me awake; although I knew it was silly, I was worried that I had hurt him by not confessing my own feelings to him. Or confessing anything, really. I didn't say anything.
Silver, I'm sorry. Was that all I could say? Was that all? And yet, that was exactly what I had been waiting for him to say. I had so much I needed to tell him, but I had to hear everything from him first. Perhaps that was why I had apologized. Not because I was sorry that he had suffered and I had been the one complaining… but because I had made him wait, because I hadn't taken the first step, because I still had to do something else.
I knew I shouldn't have been so preoccupied with this. I was positive that he hadn't meant to tell me yet, anyway. Sure, I could certainly tell that he had been thinking it through as he went along. I could also tell, however, that he regretted saying anything. As soon as we had reached the Pokémon Center, he had gotten ready for bed without saying anything else to me. And a simple "good night" was all I received when he finally went to sleep. If he wasn't regretful, why wouldn't he say anything?
Well, I suppose it didn't help that I didn't even respond to his confession. But that was beside the point.
I spent the night just staring at the white ceiling and the white walls and white floors of the Pokémon Center. I felt so guilty… I was like a blemish in this pure atmosphere. But what did he want from me? Did Silver really want for me to respond to his saying he loved me right then and there? It had been so… random. He was frustrated; he didn't want it to slip out, but it did. I would feel even guiltier if I had said anything in return.
I had some things I needed to say to him, anyhow, and that hadn't been the place nor the time to say them. Watching Asa leave, when I had been so close to getting a battle with him, had really put a damper on both of our moods, as clearly seen from Silver's outburst. If I had said the things I needed to say then… well, Silver wouldn't be sleeping on that couch beside me. He would have been long gone.
Not that what I was going to tell him was all that bad. But I had a feeling he wouldn't like all of what I would be saying to him. So, why would I even bother saying any of it? Because I had said all I needed to say to Asa. At least for now. And if I could say what I needed to say to Asa, shouldn't I be able to say what I needed to say to Silver?
When morning came, I was even more tired than I usually was (and fatigue was something I felt most days). Silver seemed to notice since he got me an extra cup of tea to go with our breakfast, but he never commented on it. No, "Why are you so tired?" or "Did you not sleep well last night?". I could tell that Silver was even more bothered by yesterday's comments than he had been last night, and we sat in silence for all of breakfast.
And Silver used to be the talkative one…
"Silver," I started, figuring I might as well get the conversation started sooner rather than later. I wasn't sure how long I could handle the silence, now that it had carried over to our actual walking. "I want to talk to you about yesterday." He winced but didn't say anything. "And about a few other things. But mostly yesterday. I was just, uh… I was just wondering… you didn't mean to tell me how you felt, did you? You just let it slip."
None of it was really a question because I knew I was right. But I figured I might as well ask, get his opinion on the matter.
His lack of a response just clarified it for me.
"So, um, why is it such a big deal for you to tell me how you feel?" I was being a hypocrite, I knew, since it wasn't like I had ever told him how I felt. I loved him a lot. I truly did. It was just… I had at least told him how much he had meant to me before. I had told him that he was one of my best friends. Silver never told me any of that. He never told me anything. And the fact that he hadn't wanted to say anything yesterday bothered me.
But that had been exactly what I had been waiting for.
"Why didn't you want to tell me that you love me?" I emphasized it, if only to trigger some sort of response, but he just furrowed his eyebrows, looking more annoyed than upset now. "If you love me, then why didn't you want to let me know? Because maybe I feel the same way." I wasn't going to clarify—not yet, anyway—but this did make him look at me. I just shrugged. "But you wouldn't know unless you said something, right? Or if I said something first."
Now he stopped, feet planted to the ground, and I stopped just in front of him, not bothering to turn around and look at his face. "Then why didn't you?" he asked, and I smiled—not that he could see. "Why didn't you say something first? What is the point of chastising me about it when you haven't said anything to me."
I turned around now, crossing my arms. "I didn't say I did feel the same way!" Then, seeing the hurt in his eyes, I uncrossed my arms and stepped towards him. "Silver, I didn't mean it like that. I mean, I'm just as guilty as you are. Because I love you, too. I have for a really long time…" I felt all the blood in my body move to my face, and I couldn't make eye contact with Silver anymore. "But… I was waiting for you to tell me first."
"Why?" His voice didn't sound any softer, any less annoyed, but there was something else in it that brought another smile to my face. My cheeks still warm with embarrassment, I turned away again, taking a few steps forward to put some distance between us.
"Allow me to answer your question with a question, Silver." I didn't bother waiting for a response. However unfair it was, I was going to answer with a question, anyway. And I didn't necessarily want a reply from him. Because that was the point of answering his question with a question. "Why were you waiting for me to say something first?"
And, as expected, he didn't say anything. I spun on my heel, placing my hands on my hips and leaning towards Silver. "Let me ask another question. Not rhetorical. And I expect you to answering honestly, all right? Don't give me some silly excuse, Silver!" I was partially teasing him, however serious I was. I did expect him to answer honestly. "I yelled at Asa yesterday about teasing you about the whole 'manly' business. But that really bothered you, didn't it? You didn't want me to notice, but you hated that Asa said all that stuff about you, didn't you?"
"I—what?" He crossed his arms, looking at me with his red eyes glowing. "You're crazy, Kotone. I wouldn't let what some little fifteen-year-old boy said bother me. Seriously, I have other things to worry about. That didn't bother me, Kotone, so don't waste your time yelling at Asa about it. And speaking of Asa, shouldn't we get moving if you want to find him?"
I nodded, and we began walking again, side by side. That hadn't been the answer I wanted, and I knew he had to be lying. Because I could see it in his eyes. Even that first time Asa said anything in the field, Silver's eyes betrayed him. Asa's words did bother him. Even if Asa was just a fifteen-year-old boy, I was sure that Silver had been hurt by the comments. He wasn't a robot. He had feelings.
"I wasn't actually going to yell at Asa about it anymore," I clarified, shifting my bag from one shoulder to my other. "I was actually going to talk to you about it a little bit. I know it bothered you, Silver, so don't try to deny it. Asa may just be a little fifteen-year-old, but you see a lot of yourself in him… so it did bother you." Silver began to interrupt, but I shook my head, silencing him. "Please, just save it. I may be sick, but I'm not stupid. And I don't want to pick a fight about it."
"Then, why are we even talking about it?"
I ignored him, twisting the strap on my bag until Silver finally yanked it away from me, throwing it over his shoulder. "Hey, I can carry—"
"I'll carry it."
I sighed, shaking my head. I was still feeling tired, anyway. Perhaps letting Silver carry it for a little while would be okay. But, then again, wasn't that just my taking advantage of him again? Was Asa really right? No, Silver was just being nice. He loved me, right? So… yeah, he was just being nice to me.
But… he didn't even say anything about my confessing to him. This was the most messed up romance I had ever seen. We had to be the most awkward non-couple-yet-still-in-love-couple in the entire world. What the hell was up with that?
So, maybe Asa was right.
"I disagree with Asa," I said, looking at Silver. "I think you're very manly… in a way. You're manly in accordance with a textbook. You're strong, focused, brave, serious, and afraid to admit your feelings to anyone. You're the perfect man, right?"
Well, maybe that was a little harsh. I didn't mean for it to come out sounding so sarcastic. I had meant for it to sound helpful, and it didn't. At all. In fact, the whole "afraid to admit your feelings to anyone" was probably a bit too much. And when he looked over at me with narrowed eyes, I could tell I had gone too far.
Might as well continue…
"You could be a model for a textbook… picture this: the perfect man—with a picture of you! If Asa was thinking of a textbook definite for 'man', he was so wrong on that one." I smiled, trying to lighten the whole mood, but I really had gone too far. I probably should've stopped while I was ahead. Oops. "But maybe if he was looking at it another way…" I frowned, trying to decide how to word this nicely. "Please explain this to me since you're the guy here: why do men need to be so stoical? Why are they so afraid to admit their feelings? How is that manly?"
Silver just opened and shut his mouth, looking so annoyed now that I was embarrassed I had even brought the topic up. I was really sending our whole non-couple-yet-still-in-love-couple relationship down a broken pathway.
"You were afraid to tell me that you love me. And that was why I waited to say anything to you. Because you were afraid. And you're still afraid. But why? I know you care about me. But you're so scared to show me." I paused, shaking my head and whipping my hair around my face. "I know what you've been doing for me. Back at home, whenever you come over to my house, you always do research on how to cure my illness when you think I'm asleep."
I was pretty sure I saw Silver mouth, "Hibiki." I figured I would save Hibiki's life.
"Hibiki didn't tell me, I swear. I just noticed you reading all these books and stuff when I was 'sleeping'." I gave the word air quotes, and Silver winced, looking more defeated then than he ever had. "And you were always so careful to not let me see those books. I don't really understand why hiding that stuff is so important. Why didn't you want to show me you care? What could you accomplish by doing that?"
"What? It wasn't that I didn't want you to know that I cared. That was never it. And what's wrong with being scared to tell someone how you feel about them? What if you hadn't felt the same? That would have changed everything, right?" Now he moved the bag from one shoulder to the other, twisting the strap the same way I had.
"That's what I'm saying," I said, though I wasn't quite sure it had ever come out that way. I hadn't been particularly clear with anything. "There's nothing wrong with being scared. But men always try to be so brave and emotionless. You don't need to be. That doesn't define a man for me. Being vulnerable and scared and all those other things… it's okay. You shouldn't have been bothered by what Asa said. But you were."
The silence that had been so familiar to me earlier filled the space between us again. The only noises I could hear were the rustling of leaves on the trees and the brushing of fabric against fabric as Silver twisted the strap to the bag. Then, he moved the bag back to his other shoulder, settling it under his arm between the two of us.
And reaching a hand out, I gestured to the bag, ready to take it back. As he placed the strap in my hand, we brushed hands, skin against skin, and the two of us stopped, staring at the frozen exchange between us. The strap still halfway between my hand and his, no one taking full claim of it yet. I finally wrapped my fingers around the strap and flung it back over my shoulder, and time proceeded again.
"It's not really in my nature to be scared," Silver finally said, and I smiled, chuckling a little bit under my breath. "Hey, Kotone, don't laugh at me!"
"You're funny, Silver. You've always been so serious about stuff like this. Well, not really stuff like this, but about stuff in general. Remember when I was at the Goldenrod Radio Station, and I was disguised as a Team Rocket member? Oh, you were so mad at me. But I think you were just scared then, too."
"Not. Funny," Silver muttered through gritted teeth. I wasn't really trying to joke around. I was serious. He had been scared back then, I was sure. Why else would he have… well, never mind. It was just kind of funny that he was so hypocritical back then. He always complained about weak people being so scared and meek. But wasn't he just the same?
Of course.
Trying to become as serious as possible, I put on a straight face, looking right into Silver's eyes. "Silver, don't feel afraid to admit your feelings to me, all right? You don't have to live up to that textbook definition."
A flicker of a smile flashed on his face, but it never truly formed. Instead, he just nodded, just as serious as ever. "I wasn't planning on it."
Then, cupping my face in his hands, he leaned in and kissed me.
Author's Note: Bad news. Please do not hate me. I'm going away (AGAIN!) this weekend.
I feel as though I should explain myself. I never planned for this to be a regular occurrence. The good news is that I shouldn't be going on any more vacations after that (or is that bad news?).
Anyway, the first time I went away, I was going to Canada with my friends. We had been planning this for a while. I knew about that. Last weekend I went away for the 4th of July. I knew about this, as well, but I did not know how long I would be gone. Next weekend I am attending a bridal shower. I was informed of this a few days ago. But oh well. It should be fun, anyhow. So, I just thought I would explain myself to you all. I am sorry. I really am.
So, anyway… this was my favorite chapter. Well… it was supposed to be (it actually turned out really terrible). I actually liked the last chapter better. But this was actually one of the first things I thought of when the idea for this fanfiction first came into my head. This is a huge sociological thing… the whole idea of being a "man". I've mentioned it a billion times throughout this, but here Kotone really chastises Silver for taken Asa's words to heart. Well, this didn't turn out as nice as I wanted it to; it was horrible. Horribly written, horribly explained… it was just horrible. I hate when things are so good in your head and then they're written and it's, like, BLAH.
And the kiss. HOW LAME!
Don't hate me. Please.
Disclaimer: Pokémon does not belong to me.
