Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalialalalalalalala. Lalalala.

A/n: My GOD, this chapter is LONG! DDDD:

A/n2: And next week, there WILL! BE! ACTUAL! DANCING!

This Dance: Monogamy? What's Monogamy?

Francis:

Ah…

Another beautiful day for sitting in the garden, drinking wine and thinking delightful perverted thoughts, before I was going to rape either a willing Canada, or a not-so-willing-but-secretly-very-willing England, to feast my wonderful yet awful fetishes on them. Or maybe I could just grab the both of them, while I was at it. I wasn't picky.

I put down my glass of wine on the adorable little white, small table and sighted, flipping my hair back just because I could. Now, this was the life. Just me, me, me, me, me and my best friend, me, relaxing in the warm, loving sunlight of that friendly little star called… the sun. Could it get any better than this? Hohoho…

I only hoped my maid Marie made haste with that sun block. My… flowers felt quite hot.

And, speaking of the devil, there she was, carefully approaching me while swooping around a big hammer with relative ease. I guess she still hadn't forgiven me yet for humping her yesterday. Ah well…

'Marie! My love, my dear, my hammer wielding bunny! What can I do for you!' I greeted her and jumped from my chair, showing her my… happiness, '…I'll do anything to steal a smile from you!~'

Marie turned a bit pale. 'Put some clothes on then!'

'No!~'

'But you have to! You have a visitor, monsieur France!' she insisted, still clutching the hammer close.

'Ho? Is that so? Who could it be?' I asked and reached for my restraining but still very fabulous black trousers.

Marie shuddered. 'O-one of those horrible, so-called friends of yours!'

'Which one, the hot yet incredibly stupid one or the loud and annoying one?'

'…well, I guess his ass is kind of yummy.'

I knew enough.

'Hoho! Send in my oblivious Spanish friend! I'll be waiting – right here.'

Marie nodded and went back inside, putting the freaking big hammer on her shoulder like it wasn't twice her size at all.

I watched her leave and frowned, just a bit. Hm. Note to self: Never jump Marie, ever again.

Or get rid of that hammer.

'Toni! How nice to see you, my friend! Please, sit down and take you blouse off!' I greeted the Spanish man, who just walked into the garden, and pushed him down on one of my torturing hard garden chairs, '…tell me what drink I can get for you!~'

Antonio smiled weakly at me and sighted, undressing himself… button by button. Oh yes! I licked my lips, but was painfully aware of his distant appearance. He seemed really off. Even more than usual.

'What drink I want? Oh… I don't know, I suppose water would be good…' he said, suddenly stopping his stripping act (NOOOOOOOO), and leant on his elbows.

I stared at him in disbelieve. 'Ugh, you want water? You know I hate giving you water, I can't make you drunk that way!'

'Ah, I'm sorry, Francis…' Antonio said sorrowful (according to my great interpretation skills), '…it's just that… you see, I've got some problems with… with… something…'

'Great! Tell me, I love the misery of others.' I poured myself another great glass of wine and simply didn't give Antonio anything to drink at all, because he was too depressed to notice, anyway. '…so, I guess you came to ask me to help you with your Romano, am I right?'

He seemed to be surprised and nodded. 'Yes, that's right! How did you know?'

'Well, he's the only one who's able to upset you like this, without having to fear for his dear life.' I sipped some wine, '…you know you're disturbingly scary whenever you get angry. How's your axe doing, hm?'

'Um… ahaha… so…' Antonio muttered, smiling uncomfortably, '…you think you can help me?'

I eyed him weary, shaking my head ever so slightly. 'Ugh. Why is it so that for some reason, everybody seems to think I'm one hell of an advisor when it comes to (love) problems and such? I mean, isn't that pretty weird, especially when you realize most of the countries around me seem to despise me? What in blazes makes you all think my love – and normal – life is such a blast! Hello, I'm dating two countries at the same time here, dear people! So take this piece of advice from me, Toni: DO NOT take any piece of advice from me!'

'You… can't help me?' My friend's face fell. Aww.

'Well, since you're doomed to screw things up anyway, I might as well give it a try.' I smiled and folded my hand together neatly, '…alright then, what's been bothering you and that dangerous little toy of yours?'

'Everything seems to bother us since yesterday night!' Antonio started, passionately wobbling back and forth with my chair like some kind of hyperactive puppy.

I kicked him on the shin. 'Stop that. So, what happened yesterday night?'

Antonio rubbed his wounded leg and looked up thoughtfully. 'Um… well, I… I kissed him last night.'

'Wow. One whole kiss? Score.' I raised a finger and made a swirl in the air with it, '…you go, Toni, you beast. Hope you used some protection.'

'…it wasn't just one kiss, I gave him several! And why…' He blinked while looking at me, '…why aren't you surprised?'

'Oh, do you want me to be surprised? Because I can act like I'm surprised, if you really want to. For Gods' sake, Antonio, it was about damn time something happened between the two of you! You know the whole of Europe has placed bets on you and Romano and when you are going to jump each other already? Com on, the sexual tension is killing us. Please do something about it.'

Antonio looked absolutely… flabbergasted, his green eyes open wide. 'W-what do you mean, sexual tension?'

'Don't make me smack you on the head.'

'But… so…' Antonio took a few deep, calming breaths, '…so you guys all think there's something going on between me and Lovino?'

'No.' I shook my head, sparking, golden hair twirling around me.

'…ah?'

'We think there should be something going on between you two. But hey, since you're a dense fool and Romano's… Romano, nothing's happening…' I smirked and leant a bit towards the Spaniard on the other side of the table, '…but well, since you have kissed him a bit, it seems like you're about to upgrade your relationship with Romano! Right?'

Antonio opened his mouth to answer, then closed it, then opened it again. '…I don't think our relationship is… upgrading, Francis… you see, ever since I kissed him, I want more of him. More and more. I even said I wanted to claim him!'

I chuckled. 'Nice one.'

'Thank you – made it up myself!~ But anyway…' He looked down at the table, possibly wondering why he hadn't had his water yet, '…I've got these strange feelings inside of me, whenever I think about him or whenever I'm close to him… It's really weird and it makes me do silly things, like… kissing him and teasing him and such. It's driving me – and especially Lovi – crazy!'

'First things first,' I said, sitting up a bit, '…did Romano kiss you back when you kissed him?'

'Um… yes. Not right away, but eventually… yes, he did.'

'Did he… like it?'

'I don't think he disliked it... oh, and I also think I could kill him with it.'

'Hm?'

'Lovi's not really experienced…'

'Aha?'

'I think I really shouldn't have said that last bit.'

'Indeed. But you did – and that's good. I like knowing secrets, it makes blackmailing so much easier.' I smiled. I knew that if I closed my eyes right now and listened carefully, I could hear Romano, screaming in pure horror. Hohoho…

'So… now I've told you all of this…' Antonio sent me a hopeful smile, '…you know what's wrong with me?'

I laughed heartily. 'Of course I know, you idiot!~ You're in love with Romano!'

He gasped. 'I… I am?'

'You are!'

'You sure?'

Ugh, dimwitted fool. I rolled my eyes. 'Is France the greatest country of all? Of course I'm sure. What, don't you think you're in love with him?'

Antonio's cheeks flushed. '…w-well, it does make sense, I think… it just… never came to mind that I could be in love with him…'

Gee. I wonder why I wasn't surprised.

'…I…I should've known… Lovino also asked me if I was, but then I thought I could better talk to you first…' He scratched his chin and laughed a bit, '…but… me, in love? Really?...'

'Yeah yeah, really really, oooh, how special.' I yawned, getting fed-up with the conversation. 'Toni, when you want to kiss and claim somebody without wanting to leave him as fast as possible the morning after, you're probably having some pretty loving feelings towards that person. Now, do you want to sleep with Romano?'

'I sleep with Romano almost all the time!~'

'Sleeping with him… ~*France-style*~, I mean.'

'A-ah, okay…' He got a rather dreamy smile on his face, '…I-I wouldn't mind it, ahahaha…'

'And would you still want to be with him the next day?'

Antonio looked shocked. 'Yes, of course!'

I nodded ceremoniously. 'Then I pronounce you, Toni, my foolish friend, Really, Utterly Stupid and In Love With a Pissed Off Little Jerk! You may now kiss the country of France.'

'Yay!' Antonio chirped, right on cue, throwing his arms in the air in a needlessly happy fashion but not showing any signs of wanting to kiss me, '…that's great! I'm so glad I finally know what's going on! Thank you so much for telling me, Francis!'

'That's quite alright.' I had stretched my arms out to him lovingly, but gave up when I noticed he really wasn't going to come and get some. Too bad – for him.

'Oh! Oh!' Antonio bounced off the chair and began walking around the table in peppy, nervous little rounds – which was pretty annoying, '…what do you think I should do now, Francis?'

'Personally, I think you should sleep with me.' I purred.

He stopped pacing around and gave me a dazzling smile. 'Aw, that's nice of you, Francis, but I don't feel like napping right now!'

Well, neither was I.

'I was talking about me! And Lovi!' he continued cheerfully, '…should I tell him I'm in love with him? Should I keep it a secret? You know, he's going to be my partner for Austria's ball and we're going to practice dancing when I get back at my place today, so…'

'Ah, so you're taking Romano?' I grinned, '…how nice. I'm taking England. Tonight, I mean. Oh, and for the ball, I'm taking Canada – my cute, little Matthieu was so happy when I invited him…'

'Francis, you do realize you'll have to make a choice between the two of them one day, right?'

'Shush. Don't say such foul words in the House of Love, Toni…' I said, closing my eyes a bit, radiating wisdom and beauty, '…and as for Romano, I wouldn't tell him you're in love with him yet. Go dancing with him and be tactful, for once, and maybe, just maybe, you'll get him to confess to you! Now, that sounds pretty teeth-rotting sweet, doesn't it?'

'Yes, I… think, if you say so…' The Spaniard blushed some more, '…so… so you say Lovi's in love with me, too?'

'I'm not even going to answer that.' I friendly said.

Antonio laughed enthusiastically '…then… then I should be going! I should be going to Lovino! And dance with him! And more!'

'Good for you!' I stood up from my chair and flipped open my mobile phone, '…now, piss off, I'm going to send some pervy mails to England and you really don't want to be near me when I'm doing that.'

'Okay!~ Well, anyway, thank you so much for your help! You're great!'

'Yes yes, spread the news. Oh, and Toni, if you really want to thank me, you could…' I started, but when I looked up, Antonio was nowhere to be seen already. I supposed he had simply run off with the sexy speed of light like only Spanish people/countries could do (sometimes). Looks like somebody wanted to eat some Italian dish tonight…~

Oh well… I shrugged and focused my attention on my phone again.

Now, where did I put Iggy's number…