Past Gojyo
When I got back home, most of the house was dark, and Mom must have been upstairs sleeping, so I snuck inside, keeping the kitty tucked under my shirt. He'd calmed down a lot at the hotel, but walking with him through the streets had gotten him scared again, and he clawed at my stomach and made little growling sounds.
Skirting carefully around the creaky spots in the floor, I hurried toward the stairs, thinking the sooner I got to my room the better. I knew better than to think I could hide the cat forever, but at least for a little while, until I could talk to Jien about what to do, it should be safe in my room.
As I reached the top of the stairs, Jien appeared, shirt off, sweatpants slung low on his hips. I hesitated, wondering if he'd notice the twitching lump under my shirt, or if I should turn and go back downstairs.
"Gojyo," he said, before I could decide what to do, "what are you doing?"
I eased my way up the steps, trying to act normal, grinning. "Hey, bro. Just get outta the shower?"
Jien shifted uncomfortably, and as I moved closer I noticed the scents of sex and sweat clinging to his skin. That was weird. I'd never known him to go to bed with her unless she was hysterical over something I did. Automatically, I glanced past him, but her bedroom door was shut. "Is Mom okay?"
"Yeah," he muttered. "She's fine."
I wished I could ask what happened, why he'd have sex with her if he didn't have to, if she'd flipped out over something or if…
I could barely stand thinking about any of that, let alone asking out loud. The more I was around Hakkai, the more I understood just how wrong all this was, and I wished I knew some way to get my brother out of this. Hakkai made it sound like it wasn't good for him…
Jien continued to stare at the bundle in my arms, and I realized the cat was starting to thrash back and forth and squawk. "What is that?" my brother demanded, coming down to meet me, and before I could stop him he'd grabbed the cat from under my shirt and held it up by the scruff of the neck.
The little guy meowed and swatted at Jien's nose with his good paw, tail bushing out again.
"Isn't he cute?" I said, trying to smile and still struggling to swallow down the sick feeling in my stomach. "I saved him today from Taro and those other assholes. I think I'll name him…Kai-chan."
"Kai-chan?" Jien echoed, raising his eyebrow and handing the kitten back to me suddenly. "You've only known the guy a month, and you're naming a cat after him."
"What? No, no, not like Hakkai," I lied, clutching Kai-chan to my shoulder. "I just like the way it sounds. Anyway, isn't he cute? His little paw is hurt, so I'll have to keep him a while." Hopefully, in the meantime, Jien would start to like Kai-chan too and somehow convince Mom it would be good to have a cat around the house.
"Gojyo…" my brother sighed. "We talked about this."
"This is different," I argued. "This isn't like the squirrel."
"The squirrel," Jien groaned.
A couple years ago, a baby squirrel fell out of a tree and got hurt. For almost two days it lay on the ground, crying and crying, but I thought sure its mom would come and save it. By the time I realized she wouldn't, I'd already brought the little guy inside, fed him milk from an eyedropper, and put him to bed in a shoebox. I'd kept him a long time, until he got strong enough and brave enough to ride on my shoulder or attach to the front of my shirt, but once he started getting bigger he'd torn up the living room, and then Jien found out and made me get rid of him.
That was a heartbreaking afternoon, setting what felt like my one and only friend loose in the woods, way, way on the other end of town so there was no way he'd ever find his way back.
"How is this different from the squirrel?" Jien asked gruffly. "It's an injured animal you brought home."
I stroked Kai-chan's head. "Yeah, but he ain't wild—he's a good boy; he's not gonna tear up the house or nothin'…I mean, anything…and when he gets better he can catch mice for us."
"We don't have a mouse problem."
"He could be a good pet. Maybe he'll keep Mom company—"
He interrupted me to hiss, "Shh! Shut up, Gojyo!" and he even checked over his shoulder, but I didn't see or hear any sign of her. He sighed. "Look, it's great you wanna help him, but you can't keep him."
"Why not? He's just a little cat. Lotsa people have pets."
Jien nodded to that, and I got the feeling he didn't really know why I couldn't keep the cat. "Look, do you even have a way to take care of that fur ball? He needs kitten food and water, a little box, all that stuff."
I looked down at Kai-chan. His blue eyes blinked up at me. I didn't think about everything he'd need, just that if I got him home he'd be okay. "I'll take care of him; I'm not asking anyone else to do it."
Again, he heaved a sigh, staring back down the hallway a long moment before he muttered, "You gotta keep it a secret for a while, okay? Just don't let her see it."
I brightened up immediately. "Do you think she'll let me keep him?"
"Like you said, it's just a cat. As long as you take care of it and don't expect anyone else to…" he shrugged. "We'll see."
"Thanks, Jien!" I rushed him to throw a quick hug around his waist, and the cat fussed between us.
Chuckling, my brother ruffled my hair. "Okay, okay, it's no big deal. Just take it to your room now, and then we'll have to get something for it to crap in."
I dashed for my room, calling out, "I'll get an old beer box and put sand in it!"
"That sounds like a good idea."
His voice sounded like he was all on board, but when I glanced back at him I saw him staring after me, forehead wrinkled with worry. Whatever the issue was though, he didn't say anything about it, and he helped me get dishes we never used for food and water while I put a thin layer of sand in the beer box, and we sat together on the floor of my room, watching Kai-chan explore under the bed and around the closet. He still limped pretty bad, but his tail stuck up straight in the air. A lot of the fur had been worn off it by the string of cans Taro's gang tied to him. He found a bottle cap I'd dropped by the window and batted it around the best he could with his hurt paw, and then he sat down and cried softly until Jien picked him up and held him.
"He seems pretty used to people." I scratched Kai-chan behind his ears and listened to him purr.
"Maybe he belongs to somebody," my brother said in a hushed voice.
I frowned, hoping not. I wanted to keep the little kitten forever. He didn't seem to like me all that much just now, but I wanted to work on that, and become friends, watch him grow up… If somebody lost him, that was their own damn fault.
"You know, Goj," Jien said, quieter than ever, "maybe the best thing you can do is help him get better and then find him a good home."
I frowned up at him. "You said you're gonna talk Mom into it."
"It's…not about Mom," Jien said slowly, looking troubled. "Not completely. It's just that we don't need any more mouths to feed around here. Getting by on my income is hard enough."
Quickly, I tried to think of some way to keep my cat. "What if I get a job? I could pay for everything he needs."
"Goj…you're not really old enough—"
"I could get something though—even if it's just sweeping the floor at the corner store, or being somebody's assistant—like a page or a squire!"
From the cock of his mouth I could tell he was trying not to laugh at me. "A squire?"
"You know, like the knight's helper."
"Where do you get this stuff, kid? There aren't any knights around here—what're you thinking Hakkai will let you be his squire?"
I knew he was teasing me, but I still looked away, cheeks burning. It would be nice if I could do something like that. I didn't know what Hakkai really was—teacher or assassin—but maybe it wasn't totally impossible for me to be his assistant somehow. Jien had to have him pegged wrong though—Hakkai was a good guy. For all I knew he was already something like a knight, and maybe he did need an assistant. Maybe we could travel together, always camping and going on adventures, and the kitten could come along; I'd drop by to see Jien any time we were in the neighborhood. Or he could even join us. Hakkai could teach me how to be just like him: cool, and nice, and helpful.
"Goj, don't pout, okay?" Jien drew me out of my daydream. "It's nothing personal, it's just that you're not old enough to get a job—someone's supposed to be taking care of you, and right now that person is me. I just don't think we need anything else to worry about right now."
Sadly, I looked at Kai-chan, but he was just a lump of fur half-buried in Jien's arms. I watched his side rise and fall with steady breathing, reached out to stroke his soft fur again. "I really like him."
"I know, punky, but it really isn't a good time for this."
A feeling of betrayal hit me. He'd said he could convince Mom. Why bother if he was just going back on it after a few minutes? I bit my tongue, not wanting to fight with him—we could wake up Mom, and if she saw the cat I definitely wouldn't get to keep it. Maybe there was no way for me to keep him. Maybe Jien was right and it wasn't a good idea to keep him at all.
Slowly, still petting the kitten, I nodded, but I couldn't look at my brother.
"When you grow up, you can have all the damn cats you want," he said immediately. "I just think this little guy is better off going somewhere they can actually take care of him."
"You're right," I agreed reluctantly. "He deserves a family. Not a fucked up mess like we are."
Jien stayed quiet. I felt him touch my hair, and I knew he felt bad.
I made myself smile up at him. "It's okay… I…I can find somewhere else for him to go. Somewhere he'll be happy."
"That's good, Goj," he murmured.
Still, when I went to bed that night, I felt Kai-chan jump onto my bed, wade across the threadbare blankets, and curl up on my chest. I went to sleep listening to the sound of his purring, and trying to think of a way to keep him.
Hakkai
I stood before the town elders, just at ten on Tuesday morning. It was an unnerving experience, standing there and watching them whisper to one another before even addressing me or acknowledging my presence, and it was irritating to have to go through some judicial rigmarole in a different time when I knew little Gojyo needed me to be around for him.
So far, his keeping the cat seemed to be going well enough at least, I thought. Over the last two days, he'd not wanted to leave his house simply because the animal, which he'd dubbed Sha Kai-chan Dusty Fuzzbutt, was locked in his bedroom. At this point, his mother still had no idea the kitten was there, but I knew that would change before too long as it grew into an adult cat and still needed the exercise which kittens require. The paw was mending slowly, and I knew I needed to work on convincing Gojyo to give his cat to someone who could be trusted. If he picked the right person, he might even still be able to go see the animal from time to time.
I'd just thought of that this morning, and I was eager to get out of this bizarre audience so I could go and tell him. I could already imagine the way that would brighten his face, especially since any time I talked about giving Kai-chan away his expression fell considerably.
What's more, I was anxious to let him be alone at the house. On Sunday, I hadn't seen much of Gojyo, but at least I'd known Jien was at home to look after him the best he could. Yesterday, Jien went to work, but I was able to slip through the window, and we'd played, quietly, with the kitten for most of the morning. I'd even brought a ball of yarn for it, though it had a hard time playing with its injuries.
Today, there was no telling how long I had to be here. Judging from the letter I'd received, I was in quite a bit of trouble, and I thought it was possible they might not even want to let me leave at all.
That idea agitated me enough to clear my throat and call across the room, "Excuse me."
The audience chamber was not a particularly large space, but it was mostly empty, save for the torches mounted to the walls and the three chairs sitting in front of me. My voice echoed around us, and the elders ceased their whispering and frowned down at me. Their seats were arranged on a dais, elevating them a few feet over me, and each of them wore stern, unforgiving expressions. On the far left, the man who'd delivered the letter to me stood smugly by with his hands slipped into his sleeves.
"I hate to interrupt," I explained, "but I do have plans for the rest of the day, if you wouldn't mind perhaps letting me in on what it is I did to be summoned here." I flashed a smile, struggling to hide my impatience.
"Don't you know already why you've been summoned here?" the man in the middle asked severely, snowy beard and eyebrows quivering. I couldn't remember the last time anyone had spoken to me in such a condescending manner or made me feel like such a child. He truly sounded as if I ought to know already what I'd done wrong, so I pondered it. I assumed this had to do with my encounter with the police a few weeks ago. It was the only thing I could think of, because outside of that, I'd been cautious to always lay low and not stir up too much trouble.
With a pang of dread, I wondered if it was something else after all. Suppose Jien had reported me? His mother may have done it even. If they truly believed I was out to cause them harm, they may have complained to the elders.
Fortunately, I didn't have to wonder about it for long before an old woman with a hissing voice spoke up, leaning forward in her chair to shake a bamboo staff at me. "It's no good to lie about it, young man. Have some decency. Young people these days." She sat back again, muttering to herself.
The man on the right wheezed, coughing into his fist, "We received a report from our captain of the guard that you threatened him and his men."
That was it after all. I couldn't exactly feel relieved, but at least the grievance didn't center around the Sha family. I didn't want to make things any more difficult for Gojyo.
"What do you have to say for yourself, young man?" the old woman demanded, with the air of a strict grandmother.
"Yes, I did threaten them," I agreed after thinking another second about it. Arguing would do no good seeing how it was the word of an official against me, a complete stranger in this town with no one but a child to vouch for my character. "However, they were detaining and brutalizing a child without due cause. I felt it necessary to free him, though I can't say my conduct was particularly honorable. I was overwhelmed by emotion." And after all, I hadn't hurt anyone. I could have killed all three officers, and then I'd really be in trouble.
The elders murmured amongst themselves about that. "A child?" the wheezing elder asked in a wondering tone. "Our officers in this town are upstanding men. They said nothing about a prisoner." He finished with a cough.
"What child?" the woman demanded shrilly.
"Sha Gojyo."
His name was like a bad word to them. They all showed visible signs of discomfort. The wheezing man made a sign against evil, and the woman went so far as to spit on the floor. The bearded elder murmured, "that child," eyes going quite wide.
"They believed—falsely—that he'd stolen something, and their actions toward him were deplorable. He and I are friends, and I did what I did to protect him."
"That little monster is hardly worth the trouble," the woman sneered.
It was difficult to keep an even tone when I heard those words, but I managed. "I felt that he was, Ma'am. I couldn't abandon him to their abuse."
The bearded elder, who I sensed to be the highest authority among them, reminded us, "We are not here to discuss the value of Sha Gojyo. Sir, I'm sure you understand threatening an officer of the law—whatever the reason—is no small offense."
"Yes," I agreed. "It was an act of poor judgment." Nearly everything I'd done here in this time was.
"You've also been accused of attacking a local vendor—a sword salesman—Hinato Raekishima. Do you deny that?"
Slowly, I shook my head. "Again, the swordsman was attacking Gojyo over something he didn't do. I was afraid for his life, and I stepped in." I remembered that I hadn't even known at the time who I was defending, I'd only seen his similarities to my own friend and felt compelled to take action, but I liked to think I would have done it on the behalf of any child. I wanted to think anyone would, but then, I knew better than to expect very much from people.
For a time, the elders sat there pondering my words and exchanging questioning looks. The wheezing elder coughed and said in a dry voice, "You've really defended the boy then, as we've heard."
"I have, yes. I can't condone the things I've done, but I also can't regret them. I did those things in the service of a friend, because I felt they were just."
I waited anxiously for them to speak again. These accusations were strong enough that they might want to punish me, imprison me even, and I certainly couldn't allow that to happen. I couldn't be stuck in this time.
At last, the middle elder spoke up, voice clear with authority and disapproval, "Cho Hakkai, you are a traveler, correct?"
"Yes, sir, I'm merely passing through."
"Then do you believe your actions can be justified on the basis that you didn't expect to be around long enough to reap the repercussions of what you did?"
Did I think that? When I'd saved Gojyo from Raeki I hadn't known yet where I was, but I hadn't planned to stay around long. When I threatened the officers though, that was another matter. I hadn't come to a decision yet about leaving Gojyo to the fate awaiting him like a gathering storm on the horizon. It could be my carelessness was all a product of thinking I could go away without disturbing anything, as if I'd never existed.
"I do believe in consequences," I assured them finally. "Of course I know better than to think I could do anything so severe and not have it come back to me in some form."
"We're not talking about karma," the wheezing elder sniffed. "What Elder Tantra is asking is if you thought you could visit our town for a brief time, behaving however you wanted, and expect to leave without any consequences whatsoever."
"No." I shook my head truthfully. "I am aware that there could be a high penalty for everything I've done here. As I've said, my only excuse is that I did these things in question out of my love for another person and my desire to protect him."
They showed no sign that my words touched their hearts in the slightest.
Combing his fingers through his beard, Elder Tantra said, "This is not a town which tolerates violence, Cho Hakkai. I don't know what things are like where you come from, but here we value an orderly conduct in all our citizens."
I barely bit back a laugh. "With all due respect, I've seen no sign of that, sir. From children torturing cats, to sword vendors attempting to cut off a boy's hand, to so-called upstanding officers harassing and abusing an innocent child, I've certainly seen that your citizens are not held to a very high standard of conduct."
They grumbled unhappily.
"To say nothing of that woman Sha Gojyo has been left to, whom I'm sure you know beats and terrorizes him on a daily basis. If you truly valued civilized behavior in this town you'd place him with someone who's not lusting after his blood."
Elder Tantra frowned deeply. "I say this only because you clearly have an acute, albeit questionable interest in the boy, but Sha Gojyo is where he is because none of his natural relatives had any interest in housing him after the death of his parents. I placed him there myself so that he could be with his brother—his next of kin."
"His next of kin is only recently a man, sir. I find it appalling that this entire town has looked the other way while his stepmother abuses him. I certainly can't be sorry for taking wayward actions to protect him when I know what he goes through constantly, and when I fear the worst for how his situation will end. It's a case of clear negligence on the part of every responsible adult in this town, including yourselves."
With a ragged sigh, Elder Tantra sat back in his chair, gazing up at the dark ceiling as he thought. Presently, he admitted, "Perhaps it must be reassessed where the boy lives out the remainder of his childhood."
My heart leapt with unexpected hope. I had never even thought to try and bring Gojyo's circumstances to anyone's attention, but if they truly reconsidered where he ought to be living, it was possible she'd never have her opportunity to make an attempt on his life.
The question remained whether or not he and I would meet later on, and that fact endangered my very existence, but it would be selfish to prioritize that over his well-being.
"Perhaps it must be," the woman agreed icily, "but just now that isn't our greatest concern. Our concern is with the inappropriate conduct of this stranger." She leveled a despising stare on me.
"I agree," the wheezing elder chimed in, struggling to contain his cough. "Whether or not Sha Gojyo is being treated fairly can be investigated later."
"I don't think much investigation will be necessary, Ojiisan," I said politely. "The home he lives in is ill-kept, his brother struggles to support all three of them, and she—"
"Elder Koshikomakomura is right," Elder Tantra interrupted. "These rumors are something we'll have to look into later. For the time being, this hearing is about your behavior, Cho Hakkai."
Regardless, I didn't let the hope die. If I could stay here long enough to look after him, it could be they'd investigate after all, and they'd see easily enough that Gojyo was not living in a safe and happy environment. They'd have no choice but to remove him and place him somewhere better. I could wait in this town, in this place, for that to happen. That would be worthwhile.
"In the meantime," Elder Tantra went on in his booming voice, "your behavior cannot be tolerated."
"I have no intention of doing anything like that again," I assured them. "I have no desire to stir up trouble in your town."
"Unfortunately, your real intentions are questionable, and we have no familiarity with your qualities. We have no way of knowing whether or not you can be trusted."
I opened my mouth to assure them that I wanted nothing but to pass some time, peacefully, in their town.
"Because you claim to have done those things out of a desire to protect one of this town's children, you will not be punished as most offenders would be."
"I thank you for that," I said with a bow. Again, it wouldn't do to be imprisoned here, and I didn't think my crimes were severe enough to deserve execution—not this time.
"You must leave though," he said, glaring sternly at me. "You are no longer welcome in our town."
My mouth fell open. "Leave? Ojiisan, I have important business in this town. I can't just—"
"You have one week to finish whatever business you have. If you've not departed by then, we'll have no choice but to re-examine our own judgment, and we may find more drastic actions are necessary."
"Sir, one week isn't—"
"That is my decree," he announced coolly. "This hearing is concluded. You may go now, Cho Hakkai, and do your best not to disturb the peace in my town for the remainder of your stay."
Still I stood gaping up at them, stammering, wanting to argue, knowing it was futile.
Two guardsmen approached on either side of me, taking hold of my arms to usher me out, and before I knew it I was on the street again, standing in a daze as the townspeople herded past me. I turned to look up in disbelief at the elder's one-tiered pagoda-style building, with the sun rising above it, and I could hardly believe what had just happened. I'd always prided myself on being able to reason my way out of most things, but I hadn't been expecting to be so summarily exiled. Part of me wished to storm back in and demand that the elders reconsider. I even toyed with the idea of explaining the true nature of the situation, but that would likely only get me labeled as a madman.
Haltingly, still looking back over my shoulder, I stepped down into the street and began to wander, trying to think of what I should do next. Clearly I was making more of a mess here than I'd ever intended to, and in all likelihood I did need to leave. Being told to leave even provided me with some excuse to give Gojyo should he complain about my going, and the only difficulty that might remain would be if he insisted on coming with me.
Aimlessly, I wandered the streets, pondering this new development. For a moment, I had honestly believed I might be able to stay long enough to see Gojyo placed under better care, but I highly doubted the elders would attend to that business within a week. For all I knew, they never would.
A week might not even be long enough to see to it that Gojyo's kitten made a full recovery and found a good home, and I'd promised to help him with that. He wouldn't understand why I had to leave before coming through on that.
No, I told myself. He'd understand I'd been told to leave town, but that wouldn't ease his pain in the slightest. Regardless of what conditions I left under, he wouldn't be happy to see me go. He wouldn't refrain from begging me to stay or take him along.
I'd known from the beginning that I was fighting a losing battle here, trying to prevent history without actually changing history. I thought suddenly that, since I couldn't do anything about any of this, I might as well go immediately back to my machine and return to my own time. But I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't leave without so much as a good bye, especially not when I understood what was still hanging over him.
At last I turned toward his house, resolving to do the best I could with what little time I had left.
Past Gojyo
I waited around all morning for Hakkai to show up. I knew he had his hearing with the elders today, and I couldn't help worrying about it. I didn't know what he'd done to get their attention, but it wasn't like them to summon people out of nowhere like this, especially not travelers, so I didn't think it was just because they wanted to say hello or shake his hand.
As I saw Jien off to work, I was worried enough to ask him about it.
He frowned hurriedly at me, barely pausing to answer. "The elders? I dunno, Gojyo. I never met them…"
"Why would they summon Hakkai though?" I insisted, chasing him to the edge of the yard.
"I have no idea. Did he do something wrong?" His tone almost sounded sarcastic, like he knew Hakkai had done something wrong.
"No." I couldn't help snapping. "He ain't done nothing since he came here except try and take care of me."
"Right," Jien snorted. "Then I don't know, Gojyo. I guess you'll have to ask him about it when he comes back."
I hesitated at the fence, watching him heft the axe to his shoulder and adjust his rucksack. "What if he doesn't come back?" I whispered.
At that, he finally faced me full-on, meeting my gaze. Slowly, he said, "Look, he's coming back. Why wouldn't he?"
I was scared to say anything, but when I thought about it I knew Hakkai had done some stuff here that other people wouldn't like. I didn't think it was impossible for him to be in trouble. And even without all that, the way he reacted when he got the notice that he'd been summoned filled in the gaps. People just didn't act that troubled without a good reason—something about that letter had upset him, enough that I wouldn't even be surprised if he just went back to his weird vehicle in the woods and ran away. Except I was sure he wouldn't leave without telling me. Pretty sure anyway.
Jien cut into my thoughts. "Goj, if he's not back by the time I come home, we'll go find out what happened to him. Deal?"
I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was a little. He hated Hakkai so much, I didn't expect him to offer to do that.
More seriously, he added, "I'm just worried about you being here alone with her. Play outside today, okay? At least until he shows up."
I nodded.
He laid his hand on my head, lightly scratching my scalp, and I could see the worry in his eyes. "I'll come back and check on you at lunch time, okay?"
"You don't have to," I mumbled. "You need to eat, Jien."
"I'm gonna though. You just look after yourself."
Nodding, I watched him hurry up the road, probably running just a little late now, and then I turned to go back inside.
Mom wasn't up yet, so I tiptoed back to my room, even though I'd said I'd stay outside at least until Hakkai came. I didn't like leaving Kai-chan alone. He slept a lot and he couldn't be very active with his injured paw, but if he got fussy and scratched at the door or meowed too loudly, Mom would find him.
I didn't see what difference it made if I stayed inside or out anyway. Mom hadn't been able to touch me ever since she met Hakkai, and she knew she couldn't do anything to me now. She might still say mean things to me if I ran into her in the hallway, but mostly she'd been ignoring me, lying around all day, watching TV or sleeping. I could live with whatever mean things she had to say. I was just glad to get a break from her hitting me.
My room was nice in the mornings. During the hot parts of the day, the upper level of the house got really stuffy, but before noon it stayed cool, and the light was soft. Right now it smelled a little like cat litter, but it wasn't so bad, and I was actually pretty proud of myself for keeping up with the box. It might be kind of nice to just go back to bed until Hakkai came around. Maybe play with the kitten a little, feed and water him, and then just curl up together before it got really hot out. These days, my room felt like a sanctuary. As I walked in, I picked up the plastic panda Hakkai had gotten me and set it back on the dresser. Kai-chan must have knocked it off.
Turning to look for him, I froze at the sight of Mom sitting on the edge of my bed, wrapped in her lavender bathrobe, hair glowing in the sunlight as she gazed out the window. She didn't have any makeup on yet, and she looked like she'd just woken up. It had been a while since I was face to face with her like this, and when she turned to face me I nearly ran out of the room.
Kai-chan was huddled on her lap, nervously, like maybe he didn't want to be there exactly, but she stroked his fur gently.
"I see you made another new friend," Mom said. "Where did he come from?"
"T-Taro and his friends had him," I managed to say, quietly though. "I think they broke his paw."
Mom studied his injured foot, dragging her nails down from his head along his spine.
"I-I was gonna keep him…just until he gets better… Then I thought I could find a home for him."
She continued to stroke him from ears to tail. Kai-chan started purring and settled deeper into her lap.
The sight made me feel a little better, and I eased toward her. "Unless you say it's okay to keep him."
Again, she met my eyes, eyebrows furrowing together in a question.
"I mean, he's a real good cat—I bet he'd be good at catching mice, and he could even keep you company when we're away."
Thoughtfully, she studied me.
"Isn't he cute?" I tried to smile. "He's really friendly too. For a stray. He likes to play and snuggle, and he's really soft." I dared to reach out and scratch him behind the ears, flinching automatically as I expected her to hit me.
She didn't though, just kept staring into my eyes.
"I think he'd make a great pet," I went on. "And I would take care of him. Maybe we could just…hang on to him for a little while, and if you don't like him I can still find him a better home."
Behind my back, I crossed my fingers. I couldn't think of any reason for her to say no. He was just a little cat; he could be useful. It seemed like she liked him, holding him and petting him like that.
"You really like him, don't you?" she murmured at last. "You really want to keep him?"
I nodded thoroughly. "Yeah. I think he'd brighten the place up." I smiled at the thought. Kai-chan would definitely be good at that. When his paw healed, I knew he'd be running everywhere and jumping on everything. Who knew what kinds of crazy cat things he'd do? He'd make us all laugh. Maybe he could bring us together.
Mom stood up suddenly, picking him up by the neck.
Kai-chan yowled and thrashed in her hand, clawing at the air.
The smile fell off my face. "Um. Mom?"
Her shawl fell away from her shoulders as she wrapped both hands around his throat, lacing her fingers together. He spat and hissed and howled.
"Mom! You're hurting him!"
I watched her tighten her grip, cutting off the awful sounds he was making, but he kept kicking and swiping at the air, scratching wildly at her hand and gasping for breath. His little face screwed up in pain, and he bared his teeth in a terrified grimace.
"Mom! Stop!"
Her expression was drawn in hatred and violence, eyes narrow, mouth snarling, arms trembling as she strangled the life out of him.
"Mom!" I threw myself at her, trying to wrench him away from her, but she wouldn't let go, and his movements were getting slow and stiff. "Mom! Mom, please! Please stop! You'll kill him!"
Kai-chan whipped his head back and forth. I knew he couldn't breathe.
"Mom!" I screamed, beating against her arm. "Mom!" I even kicked her, but she just acted like I wasn't there, glaring with that crazy hate at my cat.
"Mom, stop!"
At last, she let him go, dumping the body on the floor. He lay twitching, foam gathering around his lips, eyes gaping.
"Kai!" I dropped on my knees next to him, touching his fur and wondering how to find his pulse. "Kai-chan, no!"
She stood over me, voice like ice. "There. Now you can have him stuffed. And keep him forever."
She turned on her heel and walked away, slamming the door behind her.
All at once I was bawling. I hadn't cried in so long I didn't even know where the tears came from, they just burst from my eyes while sobs tore from my chest, and I sat there, petting his fur and screaming for him to wake up, shaking him, knowing he was gone. I lifted him into my arms, cradling him against my chest and lowering my head. Tenderly, I touched his injured paw and fingered the white star on his chest, choking and gasping, "Wake up! Kitty, wake up! Please wake up!" He was still so soft and warm. I wanted to believe he'd come back to me. Maybe she just knocked him out. But time wore on, and the light got brighter, and the room got hotter, and Kai-chan wouldn't wake up.
How could she do this? Why? He never did anything to her. He never did anything to anyone to deserve any of this!
I fell to my face on the floor, crying so hard I almost couldn't breathe, and I cuddled his body against me until I felt it starting to stiffen and cool off.
Crying wouldn't help. It wouldn't bring him back. It wouldn't change what she did or the fact that she'd obviously done it just because she hated me. It just made me a loser.
So what though? I was a loser. I just stood there and watched her kill him. I was helpless, and that made me the biggest loser.
"I'm so sorry!" I choked. "I am so, so sorry!"
Bawling all the harder, I curled up into a ball and squeezed him as tight as I dared. A very real pain splintered through my chest, and I felt like I was dying.
Hakkai
At Gojyo's house, I knew something was wrong immediately. Something simply didn't feel right.
Originally, I'd expected to be back here after an hour or even less—I honestly hadn't expected my hearing with the elders to go the way it had—now that seemed pretentious.
Worriedly, I looked at Jeep. "I should have left you here at least."
He crooned, bobbing his head.
Approaching the front door, I saw no sign of Gojyo. Normally he waited in the yard for me, or at least stood post at the window, watching, but now the house was dark and looked almost empty, and I feared the worse.
All the same, I knocked firmly on the front door. I had to repeat the action several times before she answered.
She glared out at me, venomously. "What do you want?"
"Where's Gojyo?" I demanded, not bothering with manners.
She didn't either. "In his room." She turned and padded back to the couch where she was watching early morning talk shows. "Why don't you just take him away already? He's a curse on this house."
I seethed. "Believe me, I'd love to." I remembered my conversation with the elders though, the possibility that they might look into getting him away from her, and I knew I had to keep calm and not do anything to jeopardize that.
She went back to her program, and I jogged up the stairs, thinking it was strange for him to be upstairs instead of waiting for me, but then he had the cat to keep him company, and the little creature's comfort and happiness had been his primary concern for the last few days. I told myself I was just imagining things, alarming myself because he'd been alone here with her since Jien left for work at seven in the morning.
She'd be a fool, I reminded myself as I approached his door, to lay a hand on him now. I'd warned her about the consequences.
"Gojyo." I knocked softly on his door, even though I felt certain he must be awake by now. It was past eleven. Nevertheless, I found it odd that I didn't hear any muffled laughter or other signs that he was simply involved in playing with the kitten. I knocked again, firmer this time, and Jeep bristled on my shoulder. "Gojyo? May I come in?"
After knocking a third time with no response, I felt considerably alarmed, and I let myself in.
The scene I stumbled onto was horrifying. Gojyo lay in the fetal position on his floor, the cat flaccid in his arms. My heart slammed at first, fearing the worst, but he sat up slowly and looked at me with an expression so tortured it never should have appeared on the face of an eleven-year-old in the first place.
"My God, are you all right?" I rushed to his side immediately, checking him for injuries, but he didn't appear to be hurt. His face was splotchy and his eyes were red like he'd been crying, and I still saw tears glistening there. As I looked at him, one made the long journey down to his chin.
Having never seen him cry before, not even when Raeki threatened to cut his hand off, I felt considerably disturbed. For a second, my mind blurred with every possibility, and then I looked inevitably at the cat draped limply across his lap. I realized it was dead.
Shrieking, Jeep flew from my shoulder and landed on the floor beside Gojyo to make his own inspection, nudging at the body several times.
"What happened?" I gasped. I didn't know what to do first. Instinctively, I felt the kitten's body, just to be sure it wasn't breathing. It was cold. "What happened?" My hands fluttered up to stroke Gojyo's hair and rub his shoulder. "What happened?" I dried the tear off his cheek. I touched the kitten again. I wanted to take it from him so he wouldn't have to look at it. I wanted to hold him until all the pain I saw in his eyes dissipated. I couldn't fix this though.
"She killed him," he grated out in a voice that told me he'd cried and screamed for hours. "She just…killed him. Right in front of me."
A horrible vision invaded my mind, of her murdering the cat while he begged her not to, of her going back down to watch television while he curled up wailing. It was so awful I nearly started crying myself.
"I shouldn't have brought him here," Gojyo babbled suddenly. "I shouldn't have bothered helping him in the first place. I shoulda known better—I shoulda known I'd get him killed!" He crumpled up again, pressing his face into the kitten's fur and starting to cry all over again. "I can't have anything!" he screamed. "I can't ever have anything!"
Sick realization hit my gut, and I clasped my hand over my mouth. I understood suddenly, all too well.
The urge to leap up and storm back downstairs and kill her then and there hit me. I felt the hunting knife riding on my hip, under my coat, and I could see it all—the way her white flesh would split and the crimson that would gush forth and spray the room, the gurgling scream of a horrified ending, her corpse sprawled across the floor, the glazed look in her eyes as she spent the last few moments of consciousness trying to make sense of what had happened.
The fantasy of warm, coppery smelling blood was so lucid I nearly got to my feet and went to make it a reality.
But Gojyo was screaming hysterically on the floor in front of me, with Jeep lying over his head, wings spread, shrieking his sympathies, and I couldn't. Not now.
"It's my fault," Gojyo wailed over and over again. "It's my fault! It's my fault!" He crushed the kitten's corpse against his chest until I heard its tiny bones twisting, and I knew I had to do something.
"Gojyo!" I leaned over him suddenly, prying the kitten's body away from him. "Hush. Hush. That's enough of that."
"I got him killed, Hakkai!" he shouted.
"No, no. No, no, no." I swept the hair away from his damp face, tucking it behind his ear, and squeezed his shoulder. "No, that isn't true. It's not. You were trying to help. It's not your fault. She killed him because…" Words couldn't describe the heinous reason behind what she'd done. "She's responsible, Gojyo. Not you."
"I shoulda left him where he was!" he howled. "At least then I wouldn't have to watch him fucking die!"
Not sure what else to do, I heaved him up from the floor and pressed him tightly to my chest, hugging him as tightly as I could, feeling him all but hyperventilate in my arms. I ran my fingers through his hair and rocked him, letting him cry a while, alternating between thinking of the things I'd like to do to her for this and the things I should be trying to do to comfort him. I didn't know though. In all the time I'd known Gojyo, I'd never seen him this distraught. I wouldn't even know how to begin to approach such agony, and it didn't help that this was a gentler, softer version of him.
At last, when it seemed he'd worn himself out and the crying had died down to intermittent whimpering, I whispered in his ear, "Gojyo-chan, let me tell you something. All right? You are the kindest, sweetest, most giving person I know." I hated so much that she would tamper with that. I hated so, so much that she wanted to destroy those qualities. "You didn't know this would happen—I didn't know. It isn't your fault. You can't take responsibility for the evil things other people do, little friend. You'll make yourself absolutely sick."
"But I brought him here," he moaned between sobs. "I let her hurt him. I stood there. I watched."
"No, no." I stroked his hair again. "I know you. I know that isn't what you did. I know you did everything you could to stop her—and it isn't your fault you couldn't." I lifted his chin, forcing him to meet my eyes. "You're good, Gojyo. You're very, very good. Don't confuse the good things you do for anything bad."
He simply stared at me through the tears.
"Come on now," I lifted him to his feet. "Let's get you out of this despicable place." I made him stand out in the hallway while I collected the poor kitten and wrapped it up in a blanket. I didn't know what to do with it. I imagined an impromptu burial might provide the most closure. After that, I couldn't discern what to do next or how to even begin repairing the damage she'd done.
With the bundled up cat under one arm and my hand on Gojyo's shoulder, I guided him downstairs. I knew I should go straight past her without a word, but I simply didn't have the strength. I couldn't keep from stopping just behind the couch to hiss at her, "You're despicable. I don't know how you live with yourself."
She didn't bother looking at me as she murmured, "What are you so angry about? You told me not to touch him—I didn't."
A new understanding hit me so hard I could have fallen over. I stared down at Gojyo, mouth falling open, but I knew he didn't understand—he was too caught up in his distress. I did though. She did this because she wanted to hurt him, and my being around had made it so she couldn't. If I hadn't been around, in all likelihood, the regular beatings would have continued.
No… If I hadn't been around, Gojyo never would have brought the cat home in the first place. He would have gotten the snot knocked out of him by Taro's gang and the kitten would have run away in the commotion.
For all I knew, if I hadn't taken him with me to go look at my time machine that morning, he wouldn't have even been in that part of town at that time and found the kitten at all.
I had changed the course of his history, and judging by how emotional he was over it, I'd done so in a monumental way. After all, to the best of my knowledge, Gojyo hadn't shed as much as a tear since very early childhood. This heart wrenching display was not to be taken lightly, not to be brushed off.
Furthermore, if he retained any latent trauma from watching his stepmother strangle his pet kitten I had seen no sign of it. Not that he interacted with cats regularly, but it seemed to me that this was something he would have mentioned, at least in passing, over the last three years.
I felt sure of it then. This had not happened to the Gojyo I knew in my time. This had only happened to this Gojyo because I was here.
Seizing him by the hand, I jerked him away from her and out into the back yard, and all that fury I'd been feeling suddenly turned inward.
What am I doing? I wondered as I dug the grave. Why am I still here, tampering with the past; clearly I'm only making things worse.
Of course I was. As I'd thought earlier, it was impossible to make them better without changing everything entirely.
I should leave… I'm such a fool. I should have left a long, long time ago, but this… This is too much.
What else had happened strictly because I'd been here?
I made my way back through the days as I deposited the kitten into the grave and covered it again.
I'd put Raekishima out of commission, and that, along with my encounter with Taro, had led to the issue with the cops, which had led to the hearing this morning, which had led to this. I'd altered dozens and dozens of things I felt sure, some more tremendously than others. I'd changed everything.
And yet I had the audacity to berate Jien for going through my wallet, as if anything he'd found there could make the slightest difference.
Hakkai… You incredible idiot. What have you done?
When the kitten was buried the three of us hovered over the grave in silence for some minutes, and then I uttered a short eulogy, not knowing what else to do, only grasping at straws for any way to help Gojyo deal with this, and then we turned away together and walked back into town.
It seemed my little friend was finished crying for the time being, probably exhausted from the emotional turmoil, and he stared straight ahead with glazed eyes, not even blinking, as if he'd gone somewhere very far away.
Nothing I said stirred him out of that reverie, so I took him back to the inn where I was staying and gave him some food, sat by, watching him pick disinterestedly at it, struggling to think of anything to say.
Our day passed slowly that way, mostly in silence. I put the TV on and scanned the channels until I found a cartoon I vaguely recollected from my own childhood. I'd never watched it myself, but the other orphans used to gather together for it on weekends. I simply wanted to give him a way out of his own head—after all, not thinking about things had always been Gojyo's greatest defense mechanism.
Well into the evening, I sat with him, turning my dilemma over and over in my head. It seemed if I stayed here even one day more I could make things even worse, and now of course I wasn't even allowed to stay much longer. I battled with my conscience over the thought. On one hand, it was all too convenient for me to simply get in my time machine and leave the mess I'd made for someone else to clean up, and it felt selfish even. I deserved to suffer through this if only because it wasn't fair for him to suffer alone.
On the other hand, things were completely out of my control now. Maybe the real selfish thing to do would be to stay and force him to endure more and more hardships he'd never been meant to face.
It occurred to me that even if the elders had expelled me from this town, I could go live in the woods, staying close by in case he needed me. I just couldn't imagine abandoning him.
Who knew though what might come of that? When we reached the point where she attempted to kill him, what then? Leave him to his fate? How could I explain that to him?
How could I even think of leaving? How could I stay in a time I didn't belong in? How could I justify my next move to myself or to anyone else?
Inevitably, I thought of my roommate, wondering how he was passing these days I'd been away? By this time, he must think I was never coming back, and surely he wouldn't be happy about that, but what would he think if he could see my situation now? What would he want me to do? Go and be there for him? Stay and protect this child to the degree that it literally jeopardized my existence? I wished he were here for me to confide in.
I also missed Goku and Sanzo. Sanzo's wisdom would be most welcome at this time. I tried to imagine what he would say, but he was pragmatic to a fault, and I already knew what he would think of all this.
If only they'd tried harder to talk me out of building the time machine. Then again, I couldn't think of any words that could have deterred me.
Seeing Goku would be a breath of fresh air. He would understand, I thought, seeing how he navigated through life more with his heart than his mind. He would know better than the other two how impossible this situation was for me, and I would certainly welcome his simple way of addressing things. Everything seemed easier through the scope of Goku's moral compass.
I can't have my cake and eat it too.
Angrily, I told myself I never should have come here.
Evening wore into night, and Gojyo and I sat in the dim lamplight. I studied his pale face, but it still wore that mask of unadulterated agony, and I didn't know how to get him to stop blaming himself.
"Gojyo," I said, in a soft, tentative tone. "I have to tell you something. But…you're not going to like it."
He continued to stare into the darkness, not acknowledging me.
"My meeting with the elders this morning…it didn't go well." I drew a deep breath, not knowing what madness possessed me to bring this up now, other than it might be for the best if I left at once. "I'm afraid I can't stay in this town much longer. A few more days…"
"Where're you gonna go?" he wondered.
His cold tone made me pause. "I'm not sure. It might be wisest to cut my losses and go home."
Little Gojyo nodded, and understanding seeped into his expression. He even shifted in his seat, as if uncomfortable. "Will you take me with you?"
Sighing deeply, I stroked Jeep's head, thinking for several moments about the possible ramifications of taking him back to the future with me. What a fool I was to come so recklessly into uncharted territory. "Well…I don't know. I'm not sure that would be the best idea. That is, I'm not sure I can."
Slowly, he turned to look at me. "You would just leave me here?"
"Not because I want to," I assured him gently. "It's just… Gojyo-chan, you can't even begin to imagine the impossible circumstances under which I'm currently functioning."
Immediately, the words made me feel like an absolute cad, saying such a thing to him of all people, and based on the expression he gave me, he felt the same way.
"It's complicated," I amended. "It's not even a matter of where I want to go or whom I want to be with. It's a matter of consequences."
I could see he didn't understand. Perhaps that concept was more than he could get his eleven-year-old brain around.
"Believe me, I understand that you're blaming yourself for what happened today, but I fear that may have been my fault rather than yours, and that makes me think I could inadvertently cause you even more pain and difficulty."
"Not if you take me with you."
"Yes, well, I'd like to think taking you with me could be a solution, that I could protect you from now on…but circumstances being what they are—"
"What circumstances?" he asked snappishly.
Perhaps, I thought, I ought to tell him the truth after all. Perhaps he'd understand better what the nature of our dilemma was, and perhaps he'd have an easier time with my departure. Perhaps being honest was what I should have done right from the beginning.
Or perhaps he'd think me deranged, or else believe I was merely deceiving him for some diabolical reason.
At last, I murmured, "I'm afraid I can't explain…"
Scowling, he looked away again, and then he suddenly got up and went to lie on the bed, despite the fact that it was only a bit past eight. "Whatever." He lit a cigarette, and the hard edge in his voice sounded very much like his adult counterpart's cynicism. "I can't make friends, and I sure as hell can't keep them. If you're gonna go, just go. You don't have to waste time explaining anything to me."
Reproachfully, I said, "Gojyo-chan, it isn't like that. I don't want to leave you, I'm just afraid I might be doing more harm than good, interfering in your life."
"I don't see how you could think that. But whatever. I can't make you stay."
Sadly, I watched him turn his back to me, knowing this was only further evidence of the mess I had made, and there was no undoing it now. In time, I got up and shut off the lights and lay down next to him on the bed. We were quiet, listening to the sounds of the town dying into the night, and I bent my every brain
cell toward trying to find some answer that would at least make it so he could be okay.
"I'm very sorry," I whispered finally, not even sure if he was still awake to hear me. "It pains me to know your life is this way to begin with, and even more so to think I've contributed to that pain in the slightest. Frankly, I'd prefer it if you would blame me for these catastrophic events rather than turn any of these emotions inward, because no matter what she's led you to believe, you are the victim in all of this."
I thought I felt him shudder.
I added softly, "All I ever wanted was to help you, Gojyo-chan."
With a ragged squeak of pain, he turned against me, wrapping his arms around my chest and grabbing bunches of my shirt. He pressed his face to my shoulder, sobbing and clinging to me tightly.
It was all I could do to embrace him and listen as he cried himself to sleep.
