A.N- Alright, first of all, I am so sorry this took so long. I don't know how long the next chapter will take, but I will try to make sure that it's less time than this one took. To make up for it, this chapter is a little longer than usual. I hope you guys enjoy it! Don't forget to read and review.
Chapter Eleven
Feliks stared into the flickering fireplace. Ever since the failure of the Ghetto Uprising, his role within the Resistance had changed. He now mainly gathered key information, which was important, but it meant he was away from home at least a couple of times a month, sometimes more. Feliks knew that what they were doing was vital, but he still longed to go home. He knew that Toris hated these missions almost as much as he did, if not more.
"I would feel a lot better about this if you would just tell me where you're going," Toris said, as Feliks packed his bag. He'd left it until the last minute, again. He would leave in the morning, but he hadn't prepared at all.
"You know why I can't tell you. I wish I could, but it's not safe."
"What are you afraid of? That I'll tell somebody where you are? You know I wouldn't do that."
"No!" Feliks protested. "I don't want you getting worried and coming to find me, then getting yourself in danger." Toris sighed and got up from the bed. Walking over to Feliks, he took the shirt he was holding out of his hands, put it on the chair behind him and wrapped his arms around him.
"I would worry about you, whether I knew where you were or not. But I would worry less if I did know. As for coming to find you, unless I thought something was seriously wrong, I wouldn't. You know I'm not that brave."
"You're a lot braver than you give yourself credit for," Feliks whispered, before leaning in to kiss him.
"Feliks," Daniel said, nudging him. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine." He sighed. "I just want to go home, that's all."
"Me too. But we'll go home tomorrow, won't we?" Feliks nodded. He and Daniel were back to being on friendly terms, which was working out well for them so far. They rarely talked about his relationship with Toris, which honestly worked just fine for him. Or at least, it would, if it didn't feel like Daniel was so convinced that they were engaging in "inappropriate" activities every night that Feliks wasn't with the Resistance. Feliks had said that that wasn't the case, but Daniel didn't want to know whether it was or wasn't.
In all honesty, Feliks didn't know why he hadn't taken his relationship with Toris to that level yet. They'd certainly been together long enough now.
"Are you waiting for marriage?" Toris had asked him once. "Or are you just nervous?" Feliks hadn't been able to answer him. With a sigh, he decided to do something about it once he got home.
"I understand how you feel," Daniel said, snapping him from his thoughts. "I miss my Anneliese desperately."
"At least you get to kiss her," Feliks responded, frowning at the fire. It was November, and already too cold.
"We have to hide too, you know. You're not the only ones keeping secrets." For some reason, that annoyed Feliks.
"Really?" he said, incredulous. "I can't even hold hands with the person I love outside of our house, and you want to talk about how hard it is for you to keep secrets? Look, I get that things aren't easy for you. But they're not any easier for me either."
"You're right, Feliks. Let's just try and get some sleep, okay? We'll be home tomorrow." Feliks nodded and got to his feet. The room they were staying at that night wasn't great- the cold got in easily, and they didn't have a lot of space. Still, it would do. They usually did these missions together, because despite their differences, they still worked well together.
The next day, Feliks couldn't wait to get home. They'd had to get the train back to saw, and even though Feliks knew that Toris probably wouldn't be waiting at the station for him- they'd agreed that he would wait at home- he still felt his heart leap when the train pulled in at Warsaw Station. Despite himself, he scanned the crowds of people once he got off, and his heart leapt all over again when he saw Toris waiting for him among them. Feliks wanted to run to him and bury his face in his neck, but instead he walked calmly towards him.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, just loud enough for Toris to hear.
"Never mind that," he replied. "Let's get home, we can talk there." They started walking back towards their house, Feliks longing to be able to hold Toris's hand.
It was late at night when they reached the house. Toris opened the door and let them both in, closing it behind them. For a moment, they stood in the hallway, looking at each other. Then Toris took Feliks's face in his hands and kissed him. This was normal for when he came back from a mission- though this time it felt like there was something more happening. Feliks wrapped his arms around his neck, easing out the tie in his hair as gently as he could. He threaded his fingers through Toris' long hair and pulled him closer. He was aware of his jacket and scarf being removed, and he had a feeling he was doing the same, but he barely noticed.
"Toris," he breathed. "I really think we should go upstairs." His meaning was clear, and Toris actually took a step back and looked at him.
"What are you saying?" Feliks smiled.
"I'm saying I'm ready to… you know..." He blushed. It was one thing to be thinking of having sex, it was another to actually say the words out loud. Toris seemed to understand what he meant, though, because he nodded and started heading up the stairs.
When they actually got into their shared bedroom, Feliks couldn't help feeling nervous. He had never been so aware of the bed- they'd finally got a frame for the mattress- and he wondered how long it would take them to get there. Feliks understood perfectly what a big deal this was. This was putting complete trust in another person, more than he ever had before. This was being kissed and held and touched in ways he'd never been before, and as he watched Toris move about the room, straightening blankets and making sure the window was shut as firmly as possible, he couldn't help thinking that there was nobody else he would rather be doing this with.
By the time Toris turned to face him, Feliks was trembling, though with what he didn't know.
"You don't have anything to worry about," Toris whispered, moving to stand in front of him. He took his hands, and for a moment Feliks forgot they were in their bleak, draughty little bedroom. Then he smiled, deciding it didn't matter. Yes, the bed would doubtless creak worryingly beneath them, and the blanket would be rough against his skin. Yes, they didn't really have romantic candlelight or soft music in the background. But it didn't matter, because they had each other.
"How do you know I'm worried?" Toris smiled, and reached out one hand to cup his cheek. With his newly freed hand, Feliks took a lock of his hair between his fingers, rubbing it back and forth.
"You're biting your lip," he said. "And you're playing with your hair. You only do that when you're really anxious." Feliks blushed and his gaze shifted away from Toris' blue-green eyes. "Hey," his voice summoned him, and he looked back up into his eyes. "I love you."
Feliks blinked at him. For a minute, those words almost hung in the air- he could practically see them, sparkling in the dark room. With those words, any uncertainties he'd had about what they were doing disappeared.
"I love you too," he breathed, and leaned in to kiss him again. As they kissed, Feliks became aware of Toris' hands moving up his chest to unbutton his shirt. He broke the kiss and took a step back.
"Is everything alright?" Toris asked, even as Feliks finished off unbuttoning his shirt and shrugged out of it. For a moment he stood there, not looking at him. He knew he probably wasn't much to look at, but normally that didn't bother him. Yes, he was a bit on the skinny side, but who wasn't these days? There wasn't enough food to go around any more. Now, though, he couldn't help feeling self-conscious. He rubbed a lock of his hair between his fingers, as he had been earlier.
"Look at me," Toris whispered. Feliks did look at him, and his face grew a couple of shades warmer when he saw the look in his eyes. It was almost like a hunger, and he was pretty sure that he'd never seen anything like it. "You're beautiful." Feliks opened his mouth to protest, but before he could, Toris closed the gap between them again and kissed him.
It turned out he'd been right about the blanket being rough on his skin. He scarcely noticed, though. All he was aware of was Toris kissing him, their bare chests now pressed together. He tangled his fingers once again in his long hair and kissed him just as fiercely as Toris was kissing him. Their hands wandered all over each other, and Feliks' eventually found their way to Toris' waist, attempting to push at the waistband of his trousers.
Smiling, Toris got to his feet and quickly took off the rest of his clothes. Feliks looked at him for a moment, his face heating up a little more than it already was. After a minute, Toris moved back on top of him, kissing him deeply.
"I love you," he whispered again, moving his hands down to Feliks' hips, taking off his own clothes. Feliks had expected to feel shy at this part, but he surprised himself by not feeling anything like that.
"I love you too," he whispered. He felt like it was necessary to whisper, because even though it was late, he didn't know how much noise it was safe to make. So as long as he could, he would stay as quiet as possible. Toris would probably tease him about this, say that he couldn't stay quiet to save his life.
He thought he was doing quite well with staying quiet, until Toris moved his hand down between them, and took hold of him firmly. Feliks bit his lip, holding back the sound that threatened to escape his lips. Until that point, he hadn't realised how much he'd wanted Toris to touch him like that, but now he hoped he wouldn't let go. He closed his eyes- it was the only reaction he would allow himself to have.
"Are you alright? You're a little quiet," Toris whispered.
"I'm scared to make a sound," he admitted. "I don't want anyone to hear us." Toris smiled and kissed him.
"Don't worry about that," he whispered, though Feliks couldn't help worrying- and he could tell that he wasn't the only one.
"If you don't, neither will I."
"I'm not worried."
"Yes you are." He leaned up to kiss him again, effectively putting an end to that conversation.
It occurred to Feliks that they should maybe be talking more, making more noise. Yet at the same time, he was glad that they weren't- even if his lips were starting to feel numb from all the kissing. Besides, with Toris' hand now stroking him quickly, no words came to him.
Frustratingly, though, Toris let go of him just when he felt like he was hovering over the edge (though what he was on the edge of, he didn't know.)
"Toris!" he exclaimed without thinking. Toris smiled at him.
"Sorry," he replied, reaching his hand around and slowly easing a finger into him. Feliks' eyes flickered closed again, adjusting to the new feeling.
"It's okay," he breathed. Once he'd adjusted to the feeling, he moved his hands from Toris' shoulders, back up to his hair. He wanted more, but he didn't want to ask. Fortunately, though, Toris put another finger in, obviously trying to prepare him for what was to come.
"Is there anything we can use to… you know, make this easier?" Feliks frowned.
"I don't know." Toris sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"We might just have to make do." He paused. "I don't want to hurt you, though."
"I'll be fine," Feliks said, though secretly he was anxious. Almost to distract him, Toris started a trail of kisses down his neck, as he guided Feliks' legs around his waist and slowly, carefully eased into him. Feliks bit his lip so hard he tasted blood, in an attempt to hold in the loud groan that threatened to escape him.
"Does that hurt?" Toris asked, remaining in place above Feliks to allow him to adjust to the sensation. Feliks shook his head, even though it did hurt a little. However, he was distracted from the pain when Toris kissed him once again.
It didn't take Feliks long to adjust, and before long the pain faded, replaced by pleasure as Toris moved in and out of him.
"You're so beautiful," he whispered, before reaching down between them again and taking hold of Feliks once again.
As much as Feliks would have preferred otherwise, it wasn't long before they both came apart, putting an end to the whole thing. For a minute, the two of them lay there, catching their breath. It wasn't long, however, before the pleasure faded, and Feliks came back down to earth. He gently shoved at Toris' shoulders, wanting him to take the hint and pull out of him. Fortunately, he did, and he felt Toris put his hands on his hips as he eased out of him, as slowly and carefully as he'd eased in.
"Are you alright?" he whispered. Feliks nodded.
"Of course I am," he replied. Pressing another kiss to his forehead, Toris moved off him. Instead, he put his arms around Feliks, who rested his head on his chest. It was a familiar position, but even so, it felt different tonight. For a while, they were quiet. Then, Toris spoke.
"What are you thinking about?" At first, Feliks wasn't sure how to answer him. Then he replied.
"I'm hoping that nothing bad happens after tonight, and if it does, then we can just freeze time right now and not have to deal with it."
"Do you think anyone heard us?" Toris asked.
"That's what I'm afraid of," he admitted. "I want this to stay between us."
"How do you know you can trust me, then?" Toris whispered. "For all you know, I might tell somebody about this." He was joking, of course, and they both knew that.
"I think if you were going to do that, you would've done it by now." At first, Toris didn't reply. Instead, he rolled them over, so that Feliks was on his back, and grabbed his hands, holding them by the sides of his face.
"I don't know," he said. "Maybe I'm a spy, here to seduce you and find out all your secrets. Maybe, once I've got you at your most vulnerable, that's when I'll strike." With that, he leaned down to kiss him. Feliks sighed and turned his head.
"That's not funny, Toris."
"You're right," Toris replied, moving off him once again. They resumed their previous position. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Feliks rolled his eyes, and he shifted so that he was looking down at Toris, before he kissed him.
"It's alright." He rested one hand on Toris' cheek, and kissed him once again. When he pulled away, he smiled. "I love you," he whispered, before turning back around again, resting his head against Toris' chest.
That was how he ended up falling asleep that night, listening to Toris' heartbeat. His last thought before he fell asleep was that no matter what happened as a result of what they'd done tonight, it would be worth it.
