A/N – Okay so it's been a really long time, and I apologize. But I have been working on this chapter pretty much the whole time, so I have never forgotten. Thanks as always to my wonderful beta Bookishqua and to my friend Annaz for always giving me *subtle* hints that I needed to update soon.
I would like to say thanks to all the amazing people who are reading and have sent me PM's during this absence. And also a hello to the crazy amount of people who just recently found this story. It would be wonderful if you could all leave some feedback :-)
It's been a crazy few months with me getting a new job and also going to a Twilight convention in Chicago. I got to meet Peter, Ashley and Justin and they were just amazing. I'm also going to be going to the big Twicon in Dallas in July.
So enough with my notes, enjoy this chapter and as always leave feedback as the more I get the more guilty I feel when I take longer to write haha
stressedasalways
Mini Recap
Bella has just recently regained consciousness after her encounter with Victoria and Laurent. Alone and afraid she is trying to put together the pieces, unaware that at the same time so are Edward and the rest of the Cullen's.
Previously in Chapter 10 – Stop & Stare
My mind flashed to when I was in the hospital in Phoenix. Edward had been there holding my hand as I woke up. He was there to answer all my questions, to make me feel safe. But there was no safe feeling here. No one to comfort me and fill in all the holes my mind couldn't figure out. The hole in my chest exploded then and I wanted to scream. Instead I smiled and looked my dad in the eyes and whispered, "Merry Christmas Dad".
I sat motionless in the hospital bed. First I distracted myself by looking at patterns in the stucco ceiling, then to the peculiar wallpaper that covered the walls. I stared at it hoping to see something that would distract me. Like the clouds in the sky I wished I could see from my bed, I tried to find shapes and pictures within the worn pattern on the wall. I wanted to do nothing more then shake my foot like I usually did in such an odd situation. But the movement would only cause my body pain. I ended up settling on moving my toes and watching them move through the blanket to a non-descript rhythm.
This was the last place I wanted to be. It seemed rather odd considering I still lay in the same hospital bed, in the same room I had been in for days. What made it utterly uncomfortable was the gentle man who sat patiently in a chair near the end of my bed. It had been close to ten minutes since he arrived and said a soft hello.
"Bella, I'm Dr. Anderson" he said quietly when he first sat down in the chair. He was much younger then most of the doctors I had dealt with. He was a mid size man with dark brown hair he didn't seem to know how to style. He wore glasses that I couldn't tell if he actually needed or if he was just wearing them to look older and more mature.
I needed no further introduction. I had been dreading this meeting since Dr. Gerendy and Charlie had let me know it was coming. My mind had raced trying to convince them it wasn't necessary. It was then that I wished Alice was around. She was excellent at coming up with plausible lies that matched peculiar circumstances. But the thought of Alice sparked a familiar pain in my chest that I pushed away to stay calm. So I took a deep breath and continued to concentrate on my wiggling toes.
I tried to not make eye contact. Curiosity got the better of me; I finally locked eyes with him. He gave a small smile and I instantly looked away. More silent minutes passed as I began to bite my lip.
"Was that long enough of an awkward silence for you?" Dr. Anderson said with a slight laugh. Something told me the silence was even more uncomfortable for him as it was for me. Out of the corner of my eye it had looked like he was doodling on his notepad. I saw through his plan right away, I knew he was trying to make me feel at ease. If only he knew there was no way he could. I looked up at him again and he took it as his cue to begin.
"Bella, I just want to start by saying this is a safe place. There is no right or wrong. Everything you say is in confidence and will never leave this room. There is no judging," he recited what I imagined to be a well rehearsed speech. No judging? Yeah I'm sure there will be no judging if I told you the truth, I sighed internally.
"Dr. Gerendy has filled me in on your medical history. It seems like you have been having a hard time. Can you tell me about it?" he asked while glancing between me and his notes. I stared at him blankly letting the words flow over me. I could see the realization on his face that he knew I was not going to make this easy on him.
"How about we start with a simple question. I am just curious if you have ever had a concussion before? Or anytime you can remember fainting or losing consciousness?" he asked trying to send me a calm vibe.
I had to wonder how he didn't already know that. He had just finished saying how he and Dr. Gerendy had talked about my medical history. The only thing I could think of was this was some kind of test. Seeing how I looked when I told the truth. I immediately felt nervous for the questions that would come.
"Some might say I'm a little clumsy." I said trying to hold back any emotions. He smiled slightly and nodded in recognition of my answer.
"Bella what do you remember about the accident?" he asked still keeping his voice in a steady calm.
"Nothing really."
"Do you remember leaving your bed? Your house?"
"No." I honestly couldn't remember much of when I left the house. Everything felt like it was in a thick haze. A dream within a dream.
Dr. Anderson gave a quick smile, more reassurance I was sure. "Can you think of any reason why you would go into the woods? Do you remember dreaming?"
"No," unless you count the fact that I heard what could only be descried as a vampire's voice calling to me. And I was so delusional in hoping it was one of the Cullen's I allowed myself to follow the mysterious voice. How could I have been so stupid? I knew those voices weren't the Cullen's. I silently berated myself, but Dr. Anderson continued to look at me, letting me know that my one word answer would not be enough for him. "It was like a dream…I was positive it was a dream."
Dr. Anderson nodded and I wondered what more I should say. I couldn't outright lie; I knew he could probably see right through that. A half-truth would have to suffice.
"I was cold. Very cold." I could feel my tears well up as the memory of the constant burn on my skin flashed in my mind. I shook myself from the thought before memories of the pain that came after flooded my head.
"Do you have dreams like this often?" he asked in a calming monotone voice. But I didn't listen to the question he asked, but the question he didn't. Dreams. Sleep. Sleep talking. I had been on heavy medications the whole time I was here in the hospital. My sleep was almost always drug-induced and heavy. I had come to dread almost every moment of it. The dreams, well, they were horrible. I didn't even want to recall them. But every time I awoke Charlie had always been unaware of my peril. I wasn't sleep talking at all. But what would happen when I was finally home and the ever present drugs released me from my silence? I could feel the panic as realization coursed through my veins. It was then I finally noticed the steady 'beep beep' of my heart monitor was beeping at a much more frequent rate.
I couldn't risk Charlie, or even Angela and Mile hearing what I may be saying. And if they did hear what I was saying I'd really get locked up for good this time. I had to wonder if someone had heard what I was dreaming about. Maybe that is why they had all been so insistent on me seeing a shrink The fear took over every part of my body, and I let it show fully as I nodded my head at Dr. Anderson.
I could see him looking over me analyzing my every action as well as taking note of my increased heart rate. I only allowed my reeling mind to briefly consider the fact that Dr. Anderson could be using my heart monitor to try and decipher when I was lying. I could only hope he would do what I wanted, even though the thought of it made me feel sick to my stomach. My hands started to shake ever so slightly, so I played with my fingers hoping he wouldn't take notice.
"Bella can you tell me anything about these dreams you have been experiencing? Is there a recurring theme?" he asked. This time I could see the concern on his face.
Even though I didn't want to remember, the images came crashing into me. The woods, the cold, Victoria. I was always running, and she always caught up with me. In these dreams Victoria was always silent. She hunted and I served as her prey. I wasn't worthy of words or explanations. Nothing I did ever changed it. And then the pain, the agony that felt so real I wished it would end by any means. Suddenly I couldn't seem to catch my breath. It felt like I had been running for miles and now I couldn't breathe. And no one would ever understand. No one I could trust.
"Breathe in…….breathe out." The doctor's voice broke through. I closed my eyes and concentrated hard on mimicking the exaggerated breaths Dr. Anderson was doing. Slowly I found air again.
"I'm going to discuss with Dr. Gerendy about putting you on a sedative for when you go home. It should help you sleep more soundly, and also it would be a good precautionary action for your sleepwalking." He said as he scribbled on his notepad.
"Thank you." I whispered as I wiped the moisture from my eyes. I felt no relief. The dreams would continue but at least no one would know. I had to protect them when I could.
"How about we talk about something else for a little bit… How about your relationship with a boy named Edward?" Dr. Anderson asked trying to change the subject quickly.
The mere mention of his name felt like a kick to my gut. I closed my eyes and felt my fists clench. I tried to steady my breathing but I could hear it coming out in ragged breathes. If I wasn't so bruised and battered I would have curled into myself.
"Does that happen a lot?" he interrupted.
I opened my eyes and gave him a blank stare as he nodded and jotted something down in his notebook.
"Would you like to tell me more about him? Maybe how you two met?" he asked in his quiet voice.
I shook my head no. This was all so pointless! Sitting in this room, being evaluated like a science project. Being told I was crazy in soothing tones. Having to re-open wounds and memories that didn't need to be. For what? It's not going to help me. Victoria and Laurent are still out there, waiting for their chance to strike, and he wants me to talk about how Edward and I met? My frantic thoughts were interrupted by a warm hand grabbing my own.
"Bella, you need to calm down." He said soothingly trying to help me catch my breath. "Try to focus on what I'm saying. Picture a still pond. Focus on that image."
I did as he said. No sense in seeming crazier then he no doubt already believed I was. Once I had calmed down he removed his hand and again went back to his place in his chair.
"How do you even know about him?" I asked defensively. Why had Edward even come to the school? Why hadn't he stayed out of sight? I cursed him. Had he just stayed away maybe I wouldn't be here now. Dr. Anderson definitely wouldn't be asking so many questions about him.
"I had a brief conversation with your father. It was just to get a small history, and I made sure he didn't go into any details." Dr. Anderson tried to reassure. But I knew there was no way Charlie didn't go into details. They would have had to gag him to stop him from screaming at the top of his lungs that this was all Edward's fault.
"Bella." he said again, trying to get my attention. I hated the way he said my name. It rolled off his tongue in way that made it seem he was a good friend of mine and that he actually cared about my feelings. It was just so phony.
"Bella, how about you tell me about what happened in September?"
To my own surprise I found this subject to be one I could talk about. I hated the reason they left and still struggled to understand it. And just when I felt like I was starting to get a grip with my anger over it and build up hope they left again, shattering what little I had left. What didn't make sense was that they had abandoned me again. Leaving me alone, angry and confused. And grudgingly, I admitted that maybe talking about this as much as I hated to do it, would distract him from currently thinking I was insane. I could tell the truth about this without sounding nuts. He broke my heart end of story, just like any other normal teenage girl. I'd leave out the part about the vampire boyfriend.
"Bella?" he prodded. Dr. Anderson was definitely getting on my nerves.
"I lost my way in the woods." I said in a tone that showed my irritation with this process. He gave me another look, trying to tell me to elaborate the story. I instinctively gave the same story I always gave.
"Edward's dad took a job in L.A. It was very sudden and unexpected, and he told me and had to leave right away."
"Why did you go into the woods?"
"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Not at all,"
"Do you have a daughter?"
"I do, she's a year younger than you. Why do you ask?"
"How do you think your daughter would feel in my place? I dated him for months quite happily. On that day in September, we had walked close to the trail near my house when he told me. I…I….was shocked. I decided to try and catch up to him to ask him more questions but it started to get dark and I lost my way." Tears started to run down my face and furiously I wiped them away forcing myself to continue, "Then I felt overwhelmed and sat down and started to cry. I couldn't believe he just left me like that. One day he loved me the next day he told me he didn't love me that I wasn't good enough for him and made it clear he never wanted to see me again. So I cried. I don't remember much after that…I remember being found." I started to feel overwhelmed as Dr. Anderson continued to press the issue of everything Edward related. These were things I had only ever talked to Angela and Charlie about, and even then they only knew the bare minimum, if that. Alice and the Cullen's were the only ones I had ever been truthful too.
I looked as Dr. Anderson scribbled some more in his notepad. I wonder what he wrote? I wonder what his years of education and expertise are telling him about me. I almost felt bad for him. I was sure he thought quite highly of himself. I'm sure all his patients lie to him. He's probably very good at connecting the dots for them. Somehow I doubted he was writing 'Dated vampire, family abandoned her, left to die by the hands of another coven.' Even in my insane situation the thought make me snicker in my head.
"How did that make you feel?"
"How did it make me feel? What kind of question is that? Have you ever been suddenly dumped by someone you loved?" I snapped back. I could feel my eyes begin to burn as my anger formed tears.
When he didn't respond I quickly turned my attention back to my toes. I wiggled them as violently as I could without causing pain as we sat in silence for minutes. Silence and I were good friends and I had no problem using it to make him feel uncomfortable instead of the other way around. It had to have been close to ten minutes when Dr. Anderson gave in and broke it.
"Bella, I know these things are hard to talk about. And I don't expect you to tell me everything during our first session. But the things that are hard to talk about are usually that way because they need to be talked about. You can't hold all these feelings inside. It's not healthy."
Only one word caught my attention in his spiel.
"First? As in there is going to be more?" My anger boiled over and I could feel the tears fall down my face. This only made me angrier that I was crying in front of him. Again. I had just spilled my guts about the most painful day of my life and he wanted to repeat that?
"Yes Bella. There will be more. I think even you can see that you need to discuss some of these things."
I covered my face with my good arm.
"We'll stop here for today. I'm going to have a discussion with Dr. Gerendy and then he will come and talk to you and your father about what the plan will be…Bella I want to be clear and honest with you so you are prepared for what's going to happen. I think you are suffering from depression, and it looked like you had panic attacks right here with me. I'm going to be recommending medication and treatment for both. I don't want you to feel scared though, everything is going to be okay Bella. Both are easily treated. I know you don't feel like it right now, but things will get better, and I'll help you reach that point."
--*+*--
EDWARD'S POV
"Edward don't even think about saying what you're about to say" Alice said sternly from across the small storage room. She swiftly got up and came by my side, "What is the doctor thinking?" she asked.
"Dr. Anderson is not sure if he believes her. He thinks she may be embarrassed to talk about what she was dreaming at the time."
"And what do you think?" Alice asked.
I concentrated my thoughts back to what was happening in the room and was mortified by what I saw through his eyes. Bella was in tears. Fear written all over her face. The doctor was holding his composure but his thoughts took a few moments to focus. I could hear Bella's heart monitor increasing rapidly.
'Oh dear. She has more issues then Dr. Gerendy believed. Maybe I can help her out. Me and Dr. Gerendy had discussed the possibility of a sedative for the sleepwalking. But with the dreams…I think that is the only way for us to proceed.'
And then I felt my whole world shatter as I saw Bella practically beg with her eyes and tears for narcotics.
"This can't be real." I questioned to no one.
"What's happening?" Alice begged as the room was silent upstairs.
"The doctor is thinking about putting Bella on sedatives to help her sleep. And Bella is agreeing with him! Bella! Bella who refused medication after James. I had to push the button for the nurse for her! I couldn't even get her to take aspirin when she had a headache" I said unable to process how this was coming to be.
"Edward, don't say it."
"But I have to Alice. Look what has become of her! I can't think of anything except how this whole situation is my fault. Every time I think I can get past it- that we can get past it – that she can get past it. I see the pain she is in and…"
"Edward I don't know how many times we can have this conversation! This can't be about us anymore. We are all feeling the pain you are. Believe me! I don't even need to ask Jasper how everyone is feeling because it's pretty clear to see. I know how difficult this is for you, but the more information we have the more we will understand what's she's been through.
"Edward," Alice continued dropping her voice to a more gentle level. "You have to stop being so self-absorbed."
"What are you talking about Alice?" I asked with irritation in my voice. Self-absorbed? I had been anything but!
"You are so busy beating yourself up about the would have, could have, should haves that you're not any help to anyone. Bella doesn't need to know the 'what if's', and neither do we. You need to concentrate on the here and now and how to make it better. And sitting around her beating yourself up does not mean you are taking responsibility for your behavior in creating this mess in the first place. You broke her. We all broke her. Now we have to help her."
I concentrated on her words for a moment before pushing them aside. I knew she was right, but I couldn't think about it now when I was trying to hear what was happening with Bella. We both sat in silence as we concentrated once again on listening to what was happening with Bella and the doctor.
The only sound was Bella's heavy breathing. I looked at Alice and could see panic in her eyes. I wanted nothing more then to be able to tell her everything was okay. But I knew there was no sense in even attempting to break it easy to her.
"Bella's hyperventilating thinking about the dreams she has been experiencing. Dr. Anderson believes she is having a panic attack, and I would have to agree with his diagnosis." I sighed in defeat as I continued to concentrate on Bella.
When Bella had finally calmed down the doctor asked her about me. The sound of name seemed to bring out a similar reaction in both of us. Seeing the pain on her face only reconfirmed how Bella thought of me. Each moment spent away from her not having a chance to redeem myself in her eyes was excruciating.
The memory of Bella running behind me as I left her that awful night crushed my non-beating heart. I knew Bella was going to be stubborn. I knew she would try to stop me. But even when I heard her behind me I assumed she would stop. I was running at top speed and was gone within moments. I was so focused on playing my role, making sure she believed I no longer needed and loved her, I missed it. I had expected Bella to fight, but she accepted it almost instantaneously. Horrible images coursed through my mind fueled by the memories of others I has seen. Bella wandering in the woods lost and alone; becoming catatonic. I should have stayed close and made sure she made it home safely. I should have done a lot of things differently. And like a brick wall it hit me. Alice's words, my own thoughts, the memories and thoughts I had seen from Charlie, Angela and Mike. I had been so focused on my own pain, on my own guilt I had yet to really focus on Bella. She was in pain, emotionally and physically. Bella has been on her own since I left that day. How strong she must have been!
Bella's crying, once again, broke my thoughts. Dr. Anderson had just informed her that they would be meeting again. How Bella had not seen that surprised me, she was usually so observant. I had to wonder how much was due in part to the heavy medications she was on. Even though I knew exactly what Dr. Anderson was going to do with Bella, it still felt like a swift blow as he told her aloud for the first time that he would be putting her on anti-depressants.
"Well that was excruciating." Alice sighed. "Did you pick up anything useful?"
"Dr. Anderson is pretty straight forward. He wasn't thinking anything that he didn't address or plans to address with Bella."
"What about her? You were always so good at reading her face."
"She's not telling him everything. She knows more then she's saying. And she's scared."
"You should go Edward. You haven't fed in a while. Your eyes are pitch black."
"No. I will stay here."
"Edward! Focus on her needs. You feeding means you're more effective, and if you want to see her you can't show up with pitch black eyes. She's already been terrified by vampires enough for one lifetime. Things are moving quickly now. You may be seeing her any day now. And her seeing you like this isn't going to help anyone. Besides I know the few times you've found her scent within these walls has not been easy on you, never mind the scents of just the other humans."
I couldn't fight Alice on that. An orderly who had helped Bella get comfortable in her bed had walked by the storage room and my throat and mouth had instantly pooled with venom.
"Leave...Feed…Clear your head." She pushed me out of the storeroom while her thoughts continued to tell me, 'I will be here to keep an eye and I will call Esme to help. Carlisle is still in the building too.'
--*+*--
BELLA'S POV
I kept my eyes tightly closed as I waited for Dr. Gerendy to arrive. I didn't want to have to see Charlie's face as he was told I had lost my mind. The door to my room was nothing if not loud. God forbid a patient could get some sleep without being woken up every few hours by some nurse checking vitals. Right now, however, I was extremely thankful for the familiar 'thud' as Dr. Gerendy entered my room. Even with my eyes closed in a fake slumber I could sense both Charlie and the doctor looking at my still form. Charlie was no doubt debating whether or not to wake me for this conversation.
'Let me sleep.' I begged Charlie in my head. Somehow hoping he could hear my silent plea. To my relief and surprise Charlie began to speak without waking me up.
"So?" Charlie whispered in a combination of anxiousness and fear.
"Dr. Anderson agrees with my diagnosis." Dr Gerendy also whispered as I heard the sound of the two men walking towards the door of my room. I could feel the smugness of Dr. Gerendy. His words were laced with an 'I told you so' attitude.
Charlie let out a sigh and I wished I could see his face. Was he relieved I actually had a 'disease'? That he hadn't messed me up? Or was he scared now that this was real and he could no longer deny it?
"Bella was a little unresponsive today, but Dr. Anderson is quite confident Bella has been having panic attacks. It fits; all the other tests we did all came back normal." The doctor finished his voice a little louder as they now seemed to be just outside my room.
Even with my eyes closed I knew what Charlie was doing now. Through the silence I could hear his mouth opening and closing, trying to form words and speak.
"What….ugh….It really explains everything?" Charlie finally got out.
"Yes." the doctor said with that same smugness I was sure Charlie wasn't taking notice of. "Now as far as our treatment plan goes…"
I wished I could feel the sense of relief Charlie was feeling. Instead I felt empty. There were so many unanswered questions and no one to answer them for me. I could see how the dots connected, how it made a lot of sense for me to be having panic attacks. Maybe it was even true. Everything did fit, except the biggest factor. There was no sleepwalking and accidentally getting hurt in the woods. I had been lured and attacked. I had been abandoned. I could feel my chest throb as I tried to keep my composure of fake sleep as Charlie and Dr. Gerendy continued to talk about my treatment plan and how he would be sure to return later when I was awake to explain it all to me.
I zoned his words out as my body longed for sleep, but I denied it with all the strength I could muster. My drugs were currently lighter in preparation for me going home, and the sedatives Dr. Anderson had promised had yet to be brought to my room. I used this time to go over all my dreams; trying to distinguish if that's what they had all been. I could remember Victoria being in this room. Was it real? Had she made it in? That thought kept me awake easily as I waited for Charlie and the doctor to stop talking.
--*+*--
EDWARD'S POV
I sat still as stone in the snow, taking a minuscule amount of pleasure in the news that had just been given to me. Carlisle had called me telling me what I had been waiting and expecting to hear; the hospital was abuzz that the chief's daughter would finally be going home tomorrow. It would be so much easier for my family and me to keep a better eye on her when she was home. Also, this was the first step in this ugly situation moving forward. Every discussion and plan of talking to Bella all started with how we needed to wait until she was doing better and out of the hospital, and that day was almost here. I pictured my love's face, waiting for the day I could see it with my own eyes again and not through the minds of others. To no longer hide in the wretched storeroom eavesdropping on countless minds looking for any minuscule amount of information. My mood quickly soured as I thought once again of one of the last times I had seen Bella. She had looked at me differently then I had expected her to. This thought was quickly broken by a flash of a thought one of my family members had not intended me to see. I was off and running back to the house before the two-second flash had even ended.
"Tell me" I demanded as I arrived into Jasper's study.
"Edward, you're not going to be happy." Jasper tried to convince me while working hard to block out his thoughts.
"Because I am so happy now?" I retorted bitterly.
Jasper let out a small sigh as his thoughts suddenly flooded into me. I refused to believe what my brother's thoughts were showing me and I quickly found myself behind his desk looking at the computer screen. But it was all there. The words stabbing me a million times over. I kept looking up at her name, Isabella Marie Swan, to get confirmation that this wasn't a mistake. The latest reports were dated yesterday, the most recent from Dr. Gerendy and the other from Dr. Anderson. I knew what his report would entail and I felt my world stop. I wasn't sure why it seemed so unreal. I was almost positive I knew exactly what it would say. I opened up his notes quickly as my fears were confirmed.
I felt my heart sink as I hung my head in my hands in front of the screen. I felt Jasper's touch on my shoulder and was surprised I did not feel his gift as well.
"Edward. What did you really think was going to happen here? Firstly you heard exactly what happened when she was with the doctor and you heard and saw what she went through while we were all gone. And then what happened in the woods…"
That phrase "in the woods" was one I was increasingly coming to loathe. Even though I knew Jasper was referring to Victoria and Laurent's recent attack; I couldn't help but go back to when I had left her in the woods. Jasper stopped for a moment, no doubt pushing back his own feelings of that failed night.
"It's not like she could tell them what really happened. We don't even know what happened."
"Maybe I should go back to the hospital…"
"No!" Jasper replied firmly, "Alice, Esme and Carlisle are there now. There is no need for you to be there, too. You can go tomorrow when she's home…when it's easier. Besides you could use another hunting trip."
"Fine" I reluctantly agreed knowing I could easily sneak back there later. "What about Victoria?" I asked attempting to change the subject.
I could instantly see Jasper go slightly stiff. As much as it angered all of us on a personal level that Victoria had escaped, it was especially painful to Jasper. I had heard his thoughts throughout these few weeks. All revolving on how he felt he had failed his family. He had spent the bulk of his vampire life being the handler of vile things such as Victoria. He was the one in charge of getting rid of vampires when their presence was no longer needed. We had all assumed Victoria as an easy threat. None of us ever expected her to be capable of what she had done, and then to escape from our grasp so easily. It seemed like such an impossible turn of events. Her evading me, although a knock to my own pride was acceptable. But her escaping from my whole family, especially Jasper seemed impossible. I knew whatever I was feeling must have been so much bigger to Jasper.
"To evade us all like that. There must be something we are missing." I noted and could see Jasper thinking even more.
"I will find her Edward. I promise you and Bella if it takes me all of eternity I will find her" he promised.
"How is Alice doing? She's been distant from me." I asked him. I'm sure he could hear the sadness in my voice. Alice had been keeping her thoughts blocked from me ever since she kicked me out of the hospital.
"She's…anxious."
"Has she seen something?"
"No." he sighed. "With all the medications Bella's on she hasn't been making any clear decisions for Alice to read. And Alice is so concerned about Bella's well-being she can't commit to visiting her just yet, so she can't see how Bella would react..." He said as he gave me a slight look.
We sat in silence as Jasper went over everything in his head. Analyzing every move, every mistake. Trying to piece together what had been done wrong, and what he could take from it to capture Victoria the next time.
His thoughts stopped at Laurent and I instantly hung my head in shame. Why had I allowed my animal instincts and anger to take over myself? Laurent was in my grasp, and with him all the answers we needed. I could sense Jasper analyzing the waves of emotion I was giving off.
"Why do you feel so much shame?" Jasper asked. I could see in his thoughts, he understood most of the emotions he felt these past few days, but this one baffled him.
"Laurent." I whispered and I knew he knew why I was feeling the way I did.
"Edward you can't blame yourself for that." Jasper said quietly.
"But Jasper." I paused closing my eyes tightly, "He was right there. He knew everything. This all could have been finished. All this worry and guilt."
"You would still feel guilty. Nothing would change that." Jasper said. "Edward… Had Alice been the one in trouble, even with all my tactical knowledge from before, and with the numerous discussions we've had since... I would have killed him a lot sooner then you did." We both stood awkwardly trying not to make eye contact over these images.
I took what little relief I could in his words. I knew he spoke the truth. Had it been Alice who was being tortured, Laurent wouldn't have even had seconds to see Jasper appear. It would have been quick and as painful as Jasper could make it. But as we sat in this dreaded silence of unknowing; Where was Victoria? Was there anyone else working with her? Would she come back? I couldn't help but to feel I reacted too instinctively, and I should have known better.
"You get to see Bella soon. Take some solace in that." Jasper tried to calm me down.
'Edward! We found something!' Emmett was shouting from his thoughts as he ran quickly towards the house.
"Emmett and Rosalie found something!" I told Jasper as we both quickly made our way to the living room.
"What did you find?" Jasper asked with his southern accent coming out fully as he took on his familiar role of Major.
It was then that Rose came into the room throwing a box of clothes on the floor. My clothes. Covered in my scent.
"Where did you find these?" I asked as my anger coursed through me. Having my earlier hypothesis confirmed.
"We have been doing a gridline in the forest. We've come across her scent many times, but they've all led to nowhere. Until today. We found her scent as well as Laurent's both heading in the same direction, which made it stand out right away. In all our hunting we have yet find their scents together. The seemed to be pretty smart is staying separate. But it appears they did have a common place. About 20 miles north of here we found a small cave, and the clothes were there." Emmett explained.
"Did you…" I began to ask, but Rose cut me off.
"The scent was old. The last time Victoria was there Laurent was there with her. She hasn't been back since. We followed a few of her scent trails. One led to Seattle. That was probably where she and Laurent were feeding to not draw attention to themselves here."
I could hear Jasper's mind going through many different scenarios, but I wanted everyone to hear it.
"What are you thinking Jasper?" I asked him as I nodded slightly to Emmett and Rose.
"Well I think you are definitely right about the Seattle thing. We know just based on what Bella had told us they had to have been watching her for at least three weeks. And Victoria and Laurent would have needed to feed many times, especially being in such close proximity to Bella." Jasper explained.
"But I still don't understand what is with the clothes?" Rose asked.
"It's a basic hunting trick to use scents to fool animals – humans do it all the time when hunting deer. They took the one thing that Bella would recognize and tried to toy with her and us. If Bella hated you or resented you, then smelling your scent every night would upset her and possibly make sleeping even more difficult. If Bella loved you, then smelling you every night in her dreams would be just as much torture. It also has the benefit that they wanted to let us know what they had done. We'd smell their scent once we knew how to recognize them." Jasper said as he pulled the pieces together. His thoughts continued to go over more theories and options. He had much more research he wanted to do on Victoria.
"I think Jasper is right. There were flashes that I got from Laurent that I couldn't quite understand. But that would certainly clarify them." I said as I remembered one small memory that Laurent had showed me in his panic, "The joy he saw in Victoria's face as she was wearing my clothes. I couldn't understand why she would react that way. We had assumed the main reason for the clothes had been for us. So we wouldn't know it was her. But that had made little sense when she had left her hair in my closet. The fact it would confuse us was just a pleasant bonus. The real reason was to torture Bella, and as Jasper had said, no matter what Bella's mindset may have been, torture is exactly what it would have been."
We all stood in an angered silence as we all understood more of what had happened.
"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" Jasper asked finally breaking the silence, upset I had not filled him on this.
"Sorry Jasper. I've only just recently started to really go back and try to sift through all the thoughts."
"Well at least we know Victoria isn't looking for a fight. She never planned on us coming back in time. It seems obvious her plan was to do what she was going to do to Bella and take off." Rose said with some relief.
"It doesn't matter Rose what she's looking for. We are going to be bringing the fight to her." Emmett said ready for his chance.
--*+*--
Bella's POV
"Ow, ow" I winced.
"Sorry Bells" Charlie said with concern as he helped me into my own bed.
I let out a deep sigh of relief as I finally lay down and the throb in my ribs began to die down. No sooner did I find a comfortable position Mike and Angela entered my small room. Charlie gave me a nod as he left the room and I heard him go down the stairs and turn on the TV. I knew it must have been a huge relief for me to be back in his house once again.
"Welcome home!" Angela exclaimed with a huge smile that seemed to brighten the entire room.
"Must feel good." Mike commented as he trailed behind Angela with flowers in hand.
"It does…I definitely will not be missing the nurses coming in and poking and prodding me." I said with a small laugh as I rubbed the sore spots where my IV line had been.
"So when will you be back in school? It's not the same without you." Mike asked.
"Um, I'm not sure. I think a week or two. With the ribs and all Charlie wants me to have lots of time to heal."
"Whoa! No way!" Charlie's voiced echoed from downstairs. I saw Mike's eyes light up as to what could be happening in the game before he silently whispered 'be right back' and ran down the stairs to see for himself.
"What happened?" I could hear Mike ask before Angela interrupted my snooping.
"So." she said.
"So…" I trailed off.
"How are you really doing?"
"I'm fine." I automatically responded. She stared at me with a look that told me she didn't want the lies I had been telling everyone else.
"Ok!" I gave up in surrender. "It still hurts a lot. I will be very happy when these ribs have healed."
"And what about that shrink? Charlie mentioned they want you to see him. What was his name?"
"Dr. Anderson. Ugh I don't even want to talk about that. He thinks I'm crazy or something. I don't want to have to talk with him every week. He thinks I was hallucinating when I went out into the woods." I said with a laugh.
"What did happen in the woods?" She asked seriously now. That's when I realized I had made a big slip that I needed to try and recover from. I felt horrible. Angela was the only real friend I could confide in, and here I was once again forced to lie to her. I wished I could just open my mouth and tell her everything, right from the very beginning.
"It hurts to even think about it and I have a hard time remembering what actually happened from what I dreamt…I must have been sleepwalking."
"You really don't remember anything that happened out there?"
"It's really a giant blur." I tried to keep a relaxed expression on my face as the lie spewed unnaturally from my lips. I could see Angela's face make a quick look that told me she didn't fully believe me. But it seemed she wasn't going to press me any further…for now. I think she knew this was not the place. Mike and Charlie were not that far away watching the game. Not that I could tell her much more, but she was smart enough to know I wouldn't say anything if I thought they might hear.
"Well I guess that doesn't really matter. All that matters is that you're getting better."
I couldn't help but hear the two meanings in her words. Did she mean physically or whatever mental illness she now thought I had. She seemed uneasy around me. I wonder if she put some blame on herself for not saying something to Charlie or anyone else of my episodes when I thought Edward was after me. I couldn't think of any words to comfort her though. She had done nothing wrong. I would still be in this same situation no matter what she could have done.
But bringing up my time with Dr. Anderson reminded me of something. No one except for him had even mentioned the Cullen's. The whole school had seen Edward, and most of the town had seen the others. What was the story? Where had they gone?
"Angela?"
"Yes."
"Where did the Cullen's go?"
"Excuse me?" she seemed taken aback by my question.
"They were back in town before the accident. And......" I struggled to quickly come up with an excuse. "And I can't see Alice not calling if she heard what happened." It seemed like a good enough reason to ask. As soon as I said it I realized how much I wanted to know the real answer and not the fake one that had been spread around the community while I was in the hospital.
"Oh, well the story going around town is that Dr. Cullen was called back to Los Angeles for an emergency, and Mrs. Cullen wasn't going to spend the holidays without him... so they all went back." She said slowly and quietly.
Something about the way she said it seemed off, but before I could question her further suddenly Mike and Charlie were at my door. The game must have ended.
"Well, it's time for Bella to get some rest I think. You can both visit after school tomorrow. I'm sure she would love the company." Charlie said.
I smiled at both Angela and Mike as they said their goodbyes and headed home.
Charlie gave me an uncomfortable smile. I knew he loved me to pieces, but knowing what to say as I lay in my bed broken was not one of his specialties. But to be fair I don't think it was something a lot of people could do. As he looked at me in an uncomfortable silence I took the moment to look around the room. It was nice to see the familiar sights. The walls, the rocking chair, my decrepit computer, the window.
"Ugh, Dad?"
"Yeah Bells."
"What is that on my window?" I asked confused looking at the small addition...
"Um, well. Me and the doctor talked about the sleepwalking. He thinks the pills will help, but I was a bit concerned if they didn't. So as a back-up I sort of sleepwalked proof the house."
"What?!"
"Well I um found some window-locks. And Billy and the boys down on the reservation helped me build a gate for the stairs…"
"You had them make a baby gate?" I asked with a small laugh.
Charlie let out a laugh which filled me with relief. I wanted him to know that I was okay. Although I did feel a little offended and looked down on, but I knew Charlie was trying to only do what was best for me. If only he knew my biggest concern was not falling down the stairs in my sleep, but someone coming in.
"It's not a baby gate. The boys made it tall enough so you won't trip over it and fall down the stairs. It's only temporary, just until things get settled. Now get some sleep Bells. Good to have you home. Make sure tomorrow you stay up here. I'll leave everything you need up here and I will come home at lunch to check in on you." He said as he left my room and closed the door behind him.
Finally I was alone. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh of relief. I was home. Things smelled right here. I no longer could taste the antiseptic that burned my throat in the hospital. The lighting was soft and more natural. The fluorescents in my hospital room always hurt my eyes.
The feelings of comfort were soon quickly replaced by fear. I was home. There were no security cameras and people checking up on me. The safety of the hospital and the constant flow of people were gone. The only person here now was Charlie. Like that stopped them the last time. What monsters would come out when the dark took over this room? And in the mornings I would be all alone. Charlie would be at work, and I would be a sitting duck. No where to run, no to one to call for help.
I felt the steady stream of tears fall down my face silently as the realization sunk in fully. It was only a matter of time now. What was her plan now? She had left me to die. But I had survived. Maybe that was her plan all along. To injure me, and let me suffer with the pain of not only my injuries, but knowing it wasn't over. Death wasn't a scary thing. Not as scary as knowing it would be as painful as possible. And that it was going to come at anytime. This was all a game to her. I was a toy her and Laurent had decided to play with. She had said she would make it quick, that it was all about revenge for James and Edward. But that was all a lie. She had been watching me for weeks; she knew the Cullen's didn't care. And she had let me live, so she could continue to play with me.
How many days would she let me sit here and wait for death? Was this all part of her plan too? I quickly took my sleeping pill and covered my face with my blanket. I soon fell into a restless sleep filled with horrible dreams and the real pain of my arm and ribs.
The sun was bright against my raw eyelids. As I moved to rub my head a sharp pain shot up my ribs.
"Ow" I cried.
I finally opened my eyes and saw on my bedside table was some water and my painkillers. Charlie had obviously left them for me before he headed to work. I could also see a note folded beside it. As I sat up to reach for my pills my head began to spin and throb. I laid my head back down trying to stop the nausea and the room from spinning. I recalled something the nurse had said as I was leaving, something about when I got home my concussion may show more aggressively since I wouldn't be on my IV painkillers. I took in deep equal breaths to calm my head but as I did it only caused the pain in my ribs to stab me over and over. I could feel a silent tear roll down my cheek as I once again opened my eyes to try and figure out a way to get my painkillers.
Just as I began to get the nerve to try and reach for the bottle I stopped breathing completely. The smell. I knew it. Sweet. I would never forget it – and it was here – in my room. I could feel my heart trying to pound its way out of my chest. Suddenly the pain and dizziness were pushed to the background by my absolute terror. So this was it. She wasn't going to let me sit and wonder. She was here, right now. And I was a wounded target. Me putting up a real fight was useless when I was healthy; today the thought was almost laughable, if it wasn't so horribly real. Ignoring every pain in my body I slowly turned my head to look at the door and the figure that stood within its frame. I would face this with what little strength I had. I couldn't close my eyes and wish it away, I needed to face it and see how it would end.
"Bella" the voice whispered my name.
