Million and one
A darvey fanfiction
(Again, this is unbeta-ed, you've been warned – sorry for the mistakes! I hope that story is still worth your time and you don't think it's too contrived. I've been busy with work but I promise you I'll upload next chapter very soon.)
Part 10: Earthly needs
I recall coming down at least fifteen minutes after the fact. I picked up my cardigan. Put it on and as I sat down, glued myself to that bed. Moving on is so damn hard. Forgetting is harder on the body and soul than forgiving. At least, that's what I realized staring at the door separating you from me. I knew you'd come up.
I heard your steps hitting the old wooden-floor of the corridor leading up to your room. Your gait is rational, practical and determined; so lawyer-like at that moment. Nothing went according to plan. You didn't enter the room and we didn't talk. Your hesitation – personified in that strong hand of yours gripping the handle and turning it slightly before stilling – granted me the peace and quiet I needed. I haven't been so thankful for your indecision in days. That's what feeling connected to someone – to fall in the throes of passion, honesty and commitment so quickly after such a long time without it does.
I barely have time to look at you as I walk down the stairs and see two beautiful children run up to you. Watching you pull them both in a tight embrace does something to my heart. I've always assumed you loved children but I had no idea just how much. Those kids were glancing between your neck and I as you whispered things to them. You stood up and kissed Katie quickly on the cheek before you pressed yourself back against the rail.
You had to show me just how aware you were of me. Your arms are crossed and yet, the greatest punch in my guts are your eyes – always so brown, full of love with a hint of anger and that kind of desperation I want to erase. And they are so goddamn fixed on me. The glimmer in your eyes of this morning and those two wrinkles near their corners when you smile are the only kind of memory I wish I could hang on to. I'm leaving you hanging as your mother introduces me to Katie and the kids. Alleviate your stare, Harvey. It's too heavy for me, too puzzling for Katie and the little girl and boy giving me hugs I don't think I deserve. Your niece and nephew are asking for their father and it takes you a moment to land back on your feet.
"Yes, where's Marcus?" Katie asked.
"He's in the backyard with Bobby." Harvey uncrossed his arms and ushered the kids outside to see their dad.
Katie handed Lily a bag of supplies and started up a conversation.
"I'm sorry I couldn't bring Nathan and Olivia sooner but we got stuck in traffic."
"It's okay Katie, you don't have to explain. You're here, that's the only thing that matters."
"I shouldn't be, Lily and you know it," Katie explained, glancing briefly at Donna.
I understand she's drawing a line with her husband. Is this what I'm doing with you? I'm feeling so out of my element. I can't believe only twenty minutes ago Lily and I were discussing some of the most intimate aspects of my life. Things I thought were positive.
So why does it feel like I'm running away? No one should have to run. Nothing's clear in the rearview mirror that is my brain.
"Marcus will be happy to see you." Donna realized she should have shut her mouth the second she uttered the name.
"I'm not so sure." Donna could sense hesitation in Katie's words. The brunette started to head in the direction of the garden and added before walking past Donna, "you seem like a great woman from everything I've heard and it saddens me that a week from now the idea of you and I being sort of sister-in-law will be off the table."
"What makes you think Harvey and I are a sure thing?" Donna asked, surprised at the woman's words.
"Just some joke he told Nathan and Olivia a couple of years ago." Katie was creating suspense.
To Donna's dismay, the other woman lifted that weight quickly.
"They asked him if he had a wife and he said: 'I don't need a wife, I have Donna."
That barbecue grill is going to kill someone someday. I've been so focused on checking Marcus's reaction to seeing his kids that I almost burnt myself firing it up. I sigh as I watch him run after them. He's so happy when they're around. It's killing me that I can't do anything about everything else that's tormenting him right now.
The moment I see you and Katie join us, I realize I have my own demons to take care of. Your office strut is gone, having been replaced with a cowgirl sort of walk. And look. There's some tightness in my throat as I can't help but ogle you. That long sleeve shirt with the top three buttons down – God, I need to take my time ripping off of you. Those suede beige ankle booties and jeans hug your calves to perfection. You're in my head, always. I want my hands on your legs. I want to run them up your thighs and settle on your waist.
I exhale and you blush. It's our new normal, I guess. You're tilting your head to the side. I'm always calling out your name even when I'm not saying anything. Silence is not so much distance put between as it is confusion. I sense you understand my stare has switched from hurt and full of questions to lustful. That's just my physical reaction to you – to your beauty. But what I want most Donna is my eyes and ears in your headspace.
Seems like I'll have to settle for my brother's for now.
"Katie," Marcus let out formally and yet with just a hint of nostalgia seeing his soon-to-be ex-wife.
"Marcus," she mimicked.
Two seconds… Five seconds – and another ten were spent saying absolutely nothing. They were uncommunicative but their stares seemed to involve a lot of sharing. Are these two even on speaking terms at this point? I sigh and suggest we get to birthday business.
Marcus walked past his wife almost bumping his shoulder against Katie's.
Donna sighed seeing Katie's face fall and asked, uneasy. "What do you want us to do?"
Harvey squeezed Katie's hand in reassurance. The gesture not only warmed the brunette's heart but Donna's too. "Fix yourselves a drink, we got this."
Donna and Katie inevitably went back inside and spent the better part of the next hour welcoming family and friends as well as helping out Lily and Bobbie in the kitchen. At least thirty people were invited. It was quite the gathering. Donna assumed most of the men were old high school friends of Marcus. Some were Harvey's friends. Most of them had married very young and their kids were older than Marcus's. Lily had introduced Donna as Harvey's girlfriend. She wouldn't have minded hadn't the older woman practically suggested they were practically engaged explaining that they'd known each other for thirteen plus years. Donna took a chance and told Lily that there was no need to be specific but Harvey's mother saw it differently.
"Some of them are recently divorced buddies of my boys, Donna. Trust me! You don't want to be bothered all day."
"I can deal with them, Lily," Donna assured her, walking back outside holding a tray.
"I'm not just talking about the men, honey." Lily paused, nodding in the direction of where Harvey was – serving hot dogs to some very attractive women. "They're recently divorced too."
"Wow, I guess life-long partnerships really are on the decline," Donna chuckled.
"Blame Marcus for inviting them," Lily concluded.
Donna prided herself in thinking she was always bothered by Harvey getting attention from other women but not jealous. And yet, the only reassuring thing about this whole situation was that he didn't seem interested in the least. He was focused on the task at hand as well as keeping Marcus' attention on the food that needed be served and not on the umpteenth beer being dangled in front of him.
The older couple had outdone themselves for Marcus. There were so many cakes, pies, canapés, sandwiches and pasta salads that they could feed a regiment. By early afternoon, Donna and Katie had barely eaten anything. Conversations had been struck up continuously. They'd both been hit on playfully a couple of times but nothing borderline intrusive. One of those conversations actually turned out to be a pleasant one. The instigator's name was James.
"So Lily says you're Harvey's girl," he began.
Donna arched an eyebrow. "I prefer the term woman considering my age but yes, I am."
"I'm James. Harvey and I were in High School together." He suddenly turned around and called out Harvey's name. "Hey buddy, do you mind if I ask your girl – sorry woman friend out tonight?"
Donna tilted her head to look at Harvey.
"Go ahead," he said, grilling some meat. "Just don't overthink it like you did with Stacey."
"Yeah, I got it asshole!"
"James!" Donna overheard Lily reprimand.
"Sorry, Mrs. Specter. Old habits die hard!" James waved at the older woman from afar before turning back to face Donna. "Well, I guess it means you and I can never become a thing."
"Oh and why is that?" Donna inquired playfully.
"I take it you've never heard of the Stacey incident."
"I haven't," she chuckled.
"I dated Stacey for a while but never even got to first base with her."
"I'm so sorry to hear that," she quipped.
"She just wouldn't have me. I didn't know this at the time but she was dating the both of us."
"Except she was sleeping with him."
"I never got the details and truthfully, I don't want them. But what I know is, I was the good one her parents could know about and he was…"
"The unpredictable bad boy?"
"I was going to say Harvey. Jock extraordinaire," he paused before adding, loudly. "So when I found out about them, I beat the crap out of him."
"I fought back," Harvey yelled.
"Damn that man's got super hearing," James rolled his eyes which made Donna laugh. "I thought he didn't value our friendship at all and that he was just another… well, you know but it turned out he had no idea she was seeing me."
"She'd been lying to the both of you."
"Yeah and that helped cement our friendship. Boy code and all that shit."
"Does that mean you're not going to try and hit on me?" She pushed.
"It means what he just said tells me he's got everything he wants."
"Why do you say that?"
"The man just handed you over to me on a silver platter. It means he trusts you implicitly. And that's code for 'she's the one'." James was beaming.
This isn't new. Harvey's always been like this with me. When I was his secretary he would always leave that choice to me. Besides, even if you dudes go way back, I don't think you've seen a lot of him in years.
His smile was a silent acknowledgement of his friend's happiness. "Hold on to him for me, will you?"
Doesn't mean you aren't touching on something, James.
"I got some experience doing that," she finished noticing Harvey's eyes piercing hers.
Katie was on her third mimosa and Donna on her second glass of wine by four o'clock. The old boys were playing an improvised game of baseball. Harvey and Marcus were on opposing teams. Some of the moms were playing too but it was mostly a man's game.
"Come on, Donna, join our team," Marcus had asked.
"Nah, I'd hate to help you win." she'd waggled her eyebrows at him.
"You should help Harvey then. He's going to need all the help he can get."
To her surprise, instead of taking a jab at his brother, Harvey walked up to her. It'd been hours since they were this close to each other.
"Hey," he said, circling her waist.
"Hey," she couldn't help but say back, resting her hands on his shoulder.
"Do you want to be on my team?" His tone was so soft she still wasn't used to expect it to be so.
"You know damn well I can't play," she smirked.
"You know it doesn't matter if I lose, right?"
"Why? Because it's your brother's birthday?" She arched a brow.
"Because nothing can hurt me as long as I have you." His choice of word didn't go unnoticed. She gulped at it and the way his lips parted slightly to kiss her jawline, trailing them to her ear before saying: "We need to talk later, okay?" She nodded, blinking back tears at the weight of his plea as she felt his face settle in the crook of her neck.
She'd turned her head and noticed Katie had a saddened look in her eyes. She almost wanted to shove Harvey away out of female solidarity but let him disentangle himself from her slowly instead, offering him support with a smile before he'd walked back to the improvised and quite small diamond field they'd set up towards the far end of the garden.
Marcus had awkwardly gestured at Katie and had tentatively asked: "Do you want to –?"
"No, I'm good." Katie hadn't really given him any time to finish his question.
Awkward. Uncomfortable. Donna didn't really know how to look at the woman.
He'd nodded cryptically – almost in defeat when a petite blonde joined him by the pretend field.
"Hey teammate," she'd said. Very friendly. Too friendly.
Katie had scoffed and walked back to the booze table-slash-bar.
A divorcée, Donna figured. This was another chick flick and another High School reunion in the making. Only the students involved were now middle aged adults with baggage.
Katie seemed to be cheering for no one in particular – except maybe James who was pitching. Donna, on the other hand, was eyeing batter of the afternoon – Harvey. She was equally afraid of a strikeout and the perfect home run. Was that talk he'd be seeking later too much to bear? Especially when she didn't know how to deal with this hurt she'd poured out to Lily earlier?
Meanwhile Lily was insisting Harvey should be careful. She kept calling out his name and urging him to hit it low.
"Come on, Mom. Let him play. The only window he could break would be his anyway." Marcus, who was sitting on the pretend sidelines shouted, finishing off his beer. He'd kept his eyes on the game. But all Donna could notice at this moment was where the blonde from earlier was sitting: too close to him with a hand on his thigh. It didn't seem to bother him.
"Her name's Lauren. I think… I mean now know he's been seeing her." Katie's intervention had caught her off-guard.
"How do you know?"
"It was a couple of days ago. I was bringing the divorce papers over to his place and he was sweating, shirtless and his briefs were barely covering anything."
"That doesn't mean –" Donna didn't even know why she was trying to minimize something she would have figured out for herself had she been in this situation.
"There were drinks and a woman's bag on the table, Donna. I knew this was coming. I didn't think it would be this soon."
A woman knows, Donna thought. Unless they don't want to.
Donna nodded in sympathy before asking: "Can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot."
"Did he know you were coming over with the divorce papers that day?"
"What are you trying to say?" Katie frowned, eyeing the red head next to her carefully.
"How drunk do you think he was?"
"I'm not about to defend nor accuse my ex-husband here, Donna. He's a fucking grown man. If he wants to screw some former crush that's his choice."
"He's been drinking a lot. But you must know that."
"I'm the one who asked for a divorce."
"Then why look so sad?" Donna pushed.
"Guilty conscience?" Katie tried to shrug off.
"You didn't have to be here today. We could have kept an eye on your kids." Evasive but right on point. Donna hit a nerve.
"How do you think you'd react if the husband you've been in love with most of your adult life was officially cheating on you?" Katie challenged.
"Never married." She let out, watching Harvey again as he missed the ball.
"Okay… Allow me this tiny example then," she paused before stating: "Harvey's been with many women before you." Strike one.
Katie was certainly holding her own. Donna didn't really like where this was heading. Having a woman she was starting to consider her friend play on her own jealousy to avoid touchy answers wasn't part of the day she'd envisioned for herself. She didn't think it would be a smooth ride but she hadn't imagined the possibility of an attack on her. Katie was hurting – more than she was at the moment if she were reasonable.
No wrath would consume her. She would keep calm. "It's not the same, Katie. We weren't together."
"You probably told yourself you wanted him to be happy a hundred times. But did you really?" Strike two.
Some of the greatest home run hitters were notorious for striking out. Harvey was so focused she wanted to become that drop of sweat cooling his body temperature and stop thinking.
"Marcus wanted you. He still does. Harvey… he… didn't want to be with me." She reasoned.
"You think this man that I saw flirt with you some forty minutes ago never once thought about being with you?"
Harvey was preparing his swing. One wrong move and the power hitter she knew he could be would fail. She felt like a single hitter hitting for average. Wasn't she supposed to be a power hitter too?
"Just because… It doesn't mean" was replaying in her head like a scratched, definitely worn out vinyl.
"Trust me, he didn't." She paused, heaving a sigh. "But just because I couldn't be happy didn't mean I didn't want him to be."
"He should have known what he wanted sooner that's it!" Katie practically shouted.
Are you still talking about me and Harvey?
"He doesn't seem like the type of man who would ever let you go anyway." Katie sighed, just as worn out as that vinyl in Donna's head it seemed.
Harvey hit that third ball hard.
It went so high up, spinning on its axis faster than the beating hearts of that uncountable number of women before her.
She could almost hear it rustling against the trees, going far into the woods – it was louder than the crowd's cheers and all the things Katie could say to her. She set her eyes back on him and she realized he'd been watching her staring at that disappearing ball.
"You're right. He chose me," Donna's own words echoed in her brain like a light switch illuminating a dark room all too brightly. "Harvey wants me."
"Are you saying I should be happy for Marcus even if he doesn't want me anymore?"
Bobby was warning the kids not to go look too far into the woods for the ball, suggesting they stay in pairs.
She watched Harvey jog the small distance between each base with a child-like expression plastered all over his face – taunting his friends and then smiling at her some more.
"I'm saying don't quit fighting for whatever it is that you want. Even if it means your pride takes a huge hit."
Donna turned her attention back to Harvey and saw him stop dead on his tracks before he could complete his home run; his brother and Lauren were kissing.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Harvey stopped dead on his track.
His brother broke the kiss and looked up at his brother. "Not here, Harvey. Not in front of everyone."
"And kissing her… in front of your own kids is better? In front of your wife?" Harvey shouted, gesturing at Donna and Katie. This wasn't a threat, this wasn't personal anymore. To Harvey, this was an attack on what he held dear: his brother's family.
"Lauren? Really? So this is how you're "managing" huh? By screwing over your wife whom only yesterday you claimed was still your everything?"
"Harvey this isn't really what you think I –" Marcus tried to protest but Lauren cut him off.
"How isn't it what he thinks?" Lauren scolded him.
"Lauren you stay out of it," Harvey warned her.
"No you are going to complete that run of yours Harvey and stay the fuck out of our lives." Lauren took Marcus's hand and led him back to where some of his best friends were.
Harvey turned around to look at Katie and Donna. He looked disorientated.
"One thing I forgot to mention about Lauren, Donna," Katie began, not taking her eyes off Harvey.
Donna wasn't sure she wanted to know. The hurt in Harvey's eyes only expressed humiliation. The extent of it she couldn't fathom until Katie's confirmation. "Harvey went out with her too."
He was about to walk out of the pretend field to finish that conversation with his brother but his mother had begun following him close on his heels.
"Harvey!" She called after him.
"Not now Mom," he sighed, turning around to face her.
"Don't you dare make a scene again. This is your brother's birthday and if you don't stop this right now, I'll ask the boys here to throw you out without a minute's thought."
"Right… cheaters get a free pass in this house, don't they?"
"I know you're angry Harvey so I'll let this one slide. But think about Katie here," she paused to look at the kids who were running back to them. "And the kids."
"Uncle Harv', Ucl Harvey!" They all chanted out of breath. "We found the ball!"
He closed his eyes briefly before squatting down to thank them. "Hey… thanks you guys. Bring it to Tony so the Blue team gets the win."
"But that means you lose, Ucle Harbey," little Olivia said.
Harvey held their tiny gazes with his own trying not to yield, feeling the kind of salty water that had nothing to do with sweat rise up in his eyes. He looked up at his mother and added. "I won't complete my run. Too tired."
"Are you okay, Harvey?" Nathan asked. "Want me to go get Dad?"
They didn't see Marcus and Lauren. Thank God for that home run.
"Nah, I'm good. It's just my legs aren't what they used to be," he licked his lips before adding: "now go."
This left the older boy unconvinced considering the size of the improvised baseball field but they nodded and started running where Tony, James and the rest of the teams were.
"Thank you, Harvey," Lily said.
"I'm mad at him Mom. So, this isn't over." He walked past his mother abruptly and walked up to Donna and Katie.
"Did you know?" Harvey asked Katie.
"I didn't know who it was."
"Aren't you going to say anything?" Harvey pressed.
"In case you haven't noticed Harvey, he and I aren't together anymore…"
Something got stuck in his throat. A realization possibly; a broken up family he felt powerless over. "I know… I'm… Katie, he isn't thinking straight." He said more softly.
"Jeez… just mind your own business, Harvey," Katie let out, putting an end to the conversation before heading to where her kids were.
Donna who'd remained silent during that exchange didn't really know on which foot to stand. She waited for him to say something but he didn't. Instead he grabbed her hand, silently inviting her to walk with him with a head tilt.
The weather was cloudy. It had been for most part of the afternoon. He'd kept on chasing the moment he would lash out at his brother for being so stupid. Only he just hadn't realized how messy his brother's life really was. The drinking now seemed like the least of his worries. Harvey found a quiet spot by the front of the house. Not the most romantic of places. But the garden was still crowded with people and he needed to clear his head.
Who's Lauren? Was the question that wouldn't leave her lips. But she trusted him enough to tell her of his own accord.
"Look, I know this isn't how I wanted to – actually, I don't know where to begin," he admitted never letting go of her hand.
"Maybe now's the time to say anything," Donna indulged him.
"Makes us a pretty boring couple if we don't," he pursed his lips. He pretended to muse over his next words. "What could we do that doesn't involve talking?"
"Harvey…" she rolled her eyes as he pulled her into a hug. Donna instinctively rubbed his back.
"Don't pull away. This feels too good," he practically pleaded. The hint of a smirk against her neck told her his intentions were undecided.
"You know I couldn't even if I wanted to," she sighed before breathing in his scent; remnants of cologne and sweat comforting her that she was just right where she was supposed to be.
"It happened when I was in college. I went out with Lauren a couple of times when I was home. It was a long time –"
"Harvey I know your track record when it comes to celibacy isn't too good. You don't owe me anything," she said, disentangling herself slightly to look at him.
"I need you to know the facts." Sincerity didn't make him look weak. But it did in fact trouble her. "I got mad because… not only is he doing this to Katie, but also because Lauren isn't the good kind of rebound."
It picked her interest despite her brain telling her to keep her mouth shut. "How so?"
"Knowing her, she wants something. And it can't be good."
"What did she do to you?" She asked, cupping his cheek and noticed how he averted his gaze, tilting his head back to stare at everything but her. She rephrased, understanding the implication behind the wrinkles forming around his eyes: "what did you do to her?"
He dared look into her eyes again: "You know me, Donna. I get away with everything." She could feel monochromatic colors starting to rain down on them. That cloudy day was turning into a bookworm's worst nightmare: the falling action or a part of a story that didn't bode well for a man's character. The reader will either stop at nothing to see how it follows through or stop reading altogether. Donna didn't have a part in this story, no lines to learn but she had to read it anyway.
"You know how most couples say they want to know how many people their significant other's slept with in the past even though they absolutely don't want to? This is one of those times."
He led her under the porch to get out of the rain. "I care about how many men you've been with all the time, Donna. Sometimes I wish I could erase them from your life. You know, I want to be the only one that matters to you. I know it's selfish and yes, I'm probably always going to be jealous of them but –"
"You want to say what you know I want to hear," she sighed. "Don't do that now. Besides it's got nothing to do with what you were going to say about her."
You're right, Donna. Maybe I want to have both those conversations now. Maybe I'm diluting them into one and the same to soften the blow. Maybe I'm an asshole who truly wants to get away with everything all the time.
"It has everything to do with, Donna." He held her tighter. "I loved you more than I let on. All those years… I know you knew."
"Not in the way I wanted you to," she sighed, placing her hand on his chest, trying to distance herself from the very heat that kept pulling her towards him.
"Did I ever make you a promise that I couldn't keep or at least made up for the fact that I had been a complete asshole?" He asked out the blue.
She was trying to think about it and even if she could think of something, he had her. Whatever the shit he'd pulled, she trusted him to always do right by her.
Her lack of words told him he should keep explaining himself. "I promised her a lot of things just to have her. I kept leading her on. And at some point I just stopped calling. I was away and she turned out to be one of many. And I wanted that love, that attention. I craved it. But I stopped promising what I couldn't give." He breathed in sharply, and added wonderingly as he lifted a hand to sift his fingers through her hair, trailing his fingertips along her jaw and over her throat. "It was never meant for any of them."
"And you think her dating Marcus is payback?" Donna asked, trying not to focus on the last part of his speech.
You're a better man than you give yourself credit for, Harvey. I never expected you to be perfect.
He let his hands drift over her shoulder and brought his face closer to her collarbone. She wrapped her arms around his neck in a loose embrace and as if on instinct, rubbed her knee up the inside of his leg. "It hurts, Donna."
"What?" She hissed in a breath. Everything had shifted. Their prior conversation erased by a suckling kiss that arced straight to her center.
Why would I want all that pain now…
"Every time I kiss you…" He took that pause to catch her earlobe between his lips, sucking gently. "Your skin is so soft."
She curled her hands around his shoulders and caught a glimpse of his brown eyes glimmering before he inched his head back in the crook of her neck to kiss her some more. The taste of her was more important to him than the idea of devouring her.
"So soft and everything I want," he murmured at her collarbone.
Her moan of approval vibrated through him.
"It hurts to know I hurt you because I wasn't ready."
Maybe I'll never know what you mean by that but for now, all I want is you. Holding me like this, kissing me like that.
Feeling your hands shaking and your grief fighting its way out of your body and soul, I'm reminded of why all my love was meant for you too.
A storm may be upon us but you got me out of the rain on time. That's your love pouring right through me, Harvey, and I won't let it hurt you.
Because nothing can hurt me as long as I have you.
M&O
M&O
M&O
M&O
Don't hesitate to leave me a review if you're still enjoying this story. That's what keeps me writing really. I can't say I'm too proud of my writing here but I'm trying and I want to continue for you darvey buddies.
Thx to Blue for her support and for reminding me that I'm not paid to do this. Like or don't. I don't owe anything to anyone, only to myself to write the best possible thing within my current state of mind, busy life etc. I'm only writing to escape, to get to be in a different stratum for a moment and have you guys follow me on that journey.
Yours,
B.
