Chapter 11: Anything but Hate
Sanzo had been distant for the past few weeks. He was avoiding spending time alone with Xiaozhi. He rarely spoke to her. His eyes avoided meeting hers. Whenever she would look over at him, either from across a table or atop GangLi, he would quickly turn away.
The female priest was getting annoyed.
She wanted to be close to him, to know him, even befriend him. Her attempts had been going well. At least that's what she thought. Each conversation had been growing longer and longer in length. The quiet moments where they sat and read or talked together were comfortable. She'd even fallen asleep in the same room with him the last time.
That was when it had started. Hakkai had woke her the following morning, smiling. The boys were packing up their things to leave and the raven haired man was offering to assist her with her packing. He had waited until the last minute to wake her, as Sanzo ended up being in a terrible hurry to leave that morning. She had gone over to Sanzo and greeted him as usual, kindly, smiling. He had kept his back to her and only grunted in response, where before he would have looked at her and greeted her as well.
The night before, they had been on friendly terms. What happened?
Xiaozhi didn't think she could take the silence any longer. By how the other three boys were acting, neither could they. Sanzo's rudeness irritated the Gojyo and never failed to put the red head in a sour mood, almost violent. Goku, as awful as his attempts were, kept trying to start up conversations between the two; which would end badly. Hakkai would smile at her sadly and apologize for the blond. Xiaozhi didn't wanna hear it; she just wanted to know why.
Nights passed during those weeks with camping, inns, and wherever else they could find shelter. Tonight they were camping again. They had stopped and set up camp just as the sun was setting. Xiaozhi set up her little tent in such a way that it was open to the warmth of the fire. The days had been getting colder and colder, but nights were worse. She un-tacked GangLi enough so he could graze comfortably. The stallion stayed close to her, head down as he munched on the grass near her tent. The change in mood had affected the animal as well. He sensed Xiaozhi's worry and always stayed nearby for any comfort she may need.
Even after having camped with them many times already, Xiaozhi was still able to watch the four boys with interest as they carried out their tasks. They always started these jobs like clockwork as soon as the campsite was chosen; practiced after so many years of traveling. While Goku fetched fire wood and water, Gojyo and Hakkai put up tents. When those tasks were complete, Hakkai would cook dinner. All the while, Sanzo sat leaned against a tree at the edge of the camp, smoking. Gojyo would make a comment about the monk's laziness; to which, said monk would only grunt.
Xiaozhi watched the blond man off and on throughout the night. He sat against the tree the whole time, staring into the fire and smoking. She wondered what he was thinking. Was he worrying about when they got to their destination? Was he thinking about the kinds of things she had talked to Hakkai about, future plans? Was he thinking about her?
Xiaozhi felt her heart leap into her throat. No! He hasn't said a word to me in weeks. Why would he think about me?
She settled into her tent after dinner, listening to Goku and Gojyo bicker their way to sleep. She kept the flaps of her tent open so the warmth of the fire could drift inside. It wasn't long before Goku's snores started, drowning out almost all other sound. Hakkai was next to go, putting one more log on the fire first. He asked Sanzo if he was going to bed as well, to which he received no answer. With a heavy sigh, Hakkai settled into his tent.
She didn't know how much time passed. She laid in her tent, unable to fall asleep, listening to the crackle of the fire just barely audible through Goku's snores. There were worn spots in the lining of her tent that she hadn't noticed before. She had to remember to patch them before they had to camp out again.
Xiaozhi's mind wandered for a while longer until she heard movement out in the camp. She looked up in time to see Sanzo retreat into the trees. His steps were hurried, as if wanting to escape without being caught.
She rolled over onto her front, propping herself up on her arms. "Sanzo?"
Xiaozhi had a moment of hesitation before she crawled out of her bedding, quietly as she could. As she stood, a loud snort from behind made her jump. She turned to find GangLi moving to stand next to her. He was surprisingly stealthy for such a large animal.
She laughed nervously and whispered: "You sure know how to keep me on my toes, don't you?"
The stallion shook his head around, mane thrashing about. Xiaozhi smiled at her companion and reached out to scratch his forehead. He leaned into the touch.
"I'll be right back," she whispered. "I have to talk to him."
A large breath of air escaped from GangLi's nose, as if he was irritated. Xiaozhi just smiled at the animal. She gave his forehead one more scratch before turning away and following the path Sanzo had taken. GangLi took a step towards her as she disappeared into the trees, but he stopped and grunted, kicking at the earth. Hakkai watched her go from a crack in the flaps of his tent. Once she was gone he chuckled to himself and shook his head.
xxx
She was starting to worry that she'd lost him. It was too dark to see footprints and there was no trace of cigarette butts around. She stopped, leaning against a tree, feeling defeated. She'd gone quite a ways from camp. If she went any farther, she may never find her way back. Xiaozhi was about to turn back when she heard it.
BANG!
The familiar sound of a gunshot scared her. It was close by. Perhaps just through the next gathering of trees. There was another moment of hesitation before she hurried to them, worry and fear twisting her stomach into knots. She came to a stop at the tree line and peeked around.
There was another clearing beyond, bathed in bright moonlight. Sanzo was standing only a few feet away, his back to her. His gun arm was raised. On the other side of the clearing, a branch from a tree had been violently separated from the trunk. The branch lay on the ground, broken and pathetic. He had not noticed her approach.
Xiaozhi released the breath she had been holding, relieved. Her mind had immediately gone to the worse possible situation. Though, thinking back on her panic, she berated herself. The blond really wasn't the type of man to stoop to such a demeaning end.
"Shit!" He hissed.
Xiaozhi blinked, watching Sanzo store his weapon to pull out his cigarettes and light one. He stored away his lighter and cigarette pack before wrapping his thumb and forefinger around the one in his mouth.
He was upset. But he hadn't seemed upset back at camp. Then again, he hadn't spoken to her in a long time, so what did she know. Was he upset with her? The thought made her chest ache. She wanted to know; to make things better between them again.
She came from around the tree. "Sanzo?" She said tentatively.
He turned. He saw Xiaozhi standing there, hair and clothes mused, breath coming slightly fast, looking ethereal in the moonlight. His heart started to pound. He turned away from her. He didn't want to look at her; he couldn't, not until he was able to get these feelings under control. He didn't trust himself otherwise.
He'd come out there for some privacy, to try and think without Goku's continuously annoying snoring. He thought the quiet would help. But the moonlight only served to remind him of her, of her soft beautiful skin. Sanzo's had shot out in frustration, not that it relieved any of his tension. Now she was here with him, alone.
Fuck…
"I…" Xiaozhi hesitated. He had been so quick to turn back around. "We haven't spoken in weeks. Did I… did I do something wrong? Did I upset you? Insult you?"
She got no answer from him. He stood there with his back to her and all she could see was the rising smoke from his cigarette drift off into the darkness. She did, however, think she saw his shoulders tense. She feared the worst. The pain from that fear was overwhelming.
"Do you… hate me?" There was something painfully broken in her voice that made Sanzo turn back to her.
He felt his heart sink. Her fear and pain had manifested on her face as tears, which flowed freely from her beautiful duel colored eyes.
Stunned confusion read on his face, "Xiao…zhi?" Sanzo took a step towards her.
Xiaozhi's hands flew to her cheeks, feeling the wetness there. Her eyes widened, horrified. Her mask was broken. She'd always been cheerful, always smiled, always laughed. She tried to wipe away the tears, but they wouldn't stop. A dam had been broken. He'd told her when they first started traveling together, that he didn't tolerate weakness. If he didn't hate her before, he must surely do now.
She turned to run, to hide her shame. But she didn't get far. Sanzo was faster and was on her before she had taken a full stride. His cigarette fell to the ground. He grabbed her wrist rougher than he had intended. She flinched, but not from the pain. It was from fear; not fears of him exactly, fear of his rejection.
Sanzo pulled her back to face him. She kept her eyes down, ashamed. If ever there was a time she looked weak, it was now. He'd never seen her in such a state; raw, broken, crying. And it was his fault. He'd done this to her. He refused to interact with her for weeks and it hurt her. He'd harmed so many over the years, killed, turned cold shoulders and never cared. But hurting her crushed him. Seeing her beautiful face pained and crying hurt him and he hated it, hated himself for causing it.
Sanzo's grip on her wrist lessened. Why did he always, always find himself so weak around her? What was it about her that made him forget himself? Perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps this wasn't lust but something else; something far more complicated.
When Xiaozhi felt the lessening of his grip, she looked up. The horror in her expression had faded to confusion. She was expecting to be berated, insulted, even told to leave them, but that's not what she saw in his face. For a brief moment, she saw her own confusion reflected in his eyes before he looked away.
"Tch," he clicked sharply and brought his free hand up to lay in on top of her head. "I don't… I didn't…"
Sanzo couldn't say it, not with her staring at him with those eyes; still damp and shimmering with tears. Not with the painful throbbing in his chest or the ringing of her voice in his ears, asking that question over and over.
"Shit," he cursed under his breath.
"San…" she was cut off before his name could leave her lips.
He pulled her forward until her forehead rested against his chest. Xiaozhi blinked and attempted to look up and back away, but his hand kept her head still.
"Anything…" He paused, searching for words.
Xiaozhi stopped her struggling when he spoke. She stayed still and listened, heart in her throat. It was a minute or so before he continued.
"I don't... hate you. I only… need time to… consider what it is I'm feeling." He struggled with his words, uncomfortable, but wanting only for her to understand.
Xiaozhi felt her cheeks start to warm. The gentle grip of Sanzo's hand on her wrist was starting to send pleasant tingles up her arm and down to her fingertips. She knew he was holding onto her in case she tried to run away, but she wasn't sure if she wanted him to let her go at all.
"What is it you feel towards me?" Xiaozhi dared to ask, shyly.
There was a long pause, minutes perhaps. Xiaozhi ached to move, to look at his face. But she was scared if she did, he may not finish. Then she would never know. So she stood as still as she could, head resting against the soft material of his robes, waiting.
Eventually he answered: "Anything but hate."
The words were vague, but comforting and so him. They would have to do for now.
Xiaozhi smiled and finally allowed herself some movement, bringing her free hand to his chest to lightly grip the material there. She inhaled his scent, cigarettes and green tea, and found it oddly soothing. It occurred to her suddenly that they were hugging, if it could be called that. She was grateful for her face being hidden. If Sanzo saw her and her bright red blush, he'd be suspicious of the crush she was desperately trying to hide. Instead, she cuddled her face deeper into the folds of his robe, breathing him in. Who knew when this moment between them would end? She planned to savor it.
Sanzo didn't attempt to remove her. Instead he adjusted his hand from the top of her head to her shoulder, no longer holding her in place. But she didn't move. He looked down at the small woman against him and let out a heavy breath through his nostrils. Yes, this was as far from hate as someone could possibly get. What it was eluded him; this emotion that tore at him at the sight of her tears, that was making his heart race with this closeness. He was never like this with anyone, anyone but her. She brought something out in him he couldn't explain, something he didn't know he was capable of.
And he liked it.
