.:Chapter Ten:.
Nothing.
All that time trying to forge a friendship with Lucy, to get her to see him as something more than a boybander or 'the sane one with the crazy friends'. All that time getting to know her as a person, being her friend, helping her fool her parents, and all of the other things that made him think they were growing closer. All the feelings he felt for her and the time he was able to finally, ask her out, to finally kiss her….
And he felt nothing.
Kendall gently grasped Lucy's shoulders, his fingers pressing into her warm skin, thumbs gently sliding over her silky hair, taking in the spicy scent of the perfume she preferred. Her lips moved eagerly over his, a happy sigh escaping her when they parted before diving in once more. He could feel her excitement, happiness that things were finally happening between them.
And he. Felt. Nothing.
Why did he feel nothing? Lucy was amazing and mysterious and tricky and fun and—
"Kendall?"
The second he heard his name called, Kendall felt his blood run cold. Turn to ice in his veins that crackled as it moved through his body. He froze and flinched simultaneously, an otherwise humorous sight combined with the wide-eyed stare and gaping mouth that turned toward his ex-girlfriend. Jo stared back at him with eyes just as wide, lips slightly parted.
"Uh…" A sound trailed from Jo's lips before she closed it, eyebrows coming together at the same time. Her hand tightened around the handle of the suitcase that sat next to her; knuckles turning white, fingers shaking.
And Kendall continued to gape at her. A million thoughts raced through his head, sprinted, yet none of them pulled head as a clear winner. Jo was back in LA. Why was she back in LA? Why was she here? Did she try to contact him? Should he have contacted her? Had something happened? Was something wrong? Did she see him and Lucy? Of course she did, she wouldn't be standing there like that if she hadn't seen him. Them. Lucy was there, too. She saw him kissing Lucy. Lucy knew Jo was his ex. And now here she was.
And…
And…
"J-Jo?" Kendall finally managed to squeak out. How articulate. He stared at her as she stared back at him. Then her eyes shifted towards Lucy, causing Kendall to do the same. Lucy stared back at him, one of her softest expressions; vulnerability and confusion. "Uh?" Finally, he found his voice. "You're supposed to be in New Zealand, filming a movie!" He cringed, hearing the panic-laced words come from his mouth. "Three, actually."
"It's a long story," Jo said with a frown and a disappointed sigh. She dropped her gaze to her feet. "The studio tested the first film and the test audiences hated it," She said. "Then there was some sort of a riot from fans that were disappointed with the way the movie turned out compared to the book. The writers went on a strike and there was some sort of a fire…?" She shook he head. "The studio cancelled the sequels, so I came back here."
Silence. They continued to stare. Kendall wasn't sure if he was even blinking by that point. He was in such a state of shock. Lucy decided to take matters in her own hands and stepped towards Jo, throwing out her hand with gust. "Jo, hi!" Jo blinked out of her stare and turned to Lucy with question in her eyes. "I'm Lucy, I've heard so much about you," Lucy said.
"Hi," Jo replied slowly. She shook Lucy's hand, hers a little limp against Lucy's strong grasp. She wasn't about to say she heard nothing about Lucy because…well…because it'd make Kendall look like a jerk. "So." She swallowed hard. "Are you guys dating now…? Or…?"
"Oh!" Lucy's eyebrows rose. "Well, uh, I guess…uh…" she scratched at the back of her neck before pressing her fingers together. "Kendall?"
Jo and Lucy both turned to Kendall, who gaped at them. His hands hung loosely at his sides, jaw hanging just as much. He knew he looked ridiculous. Felt it, really. Was aware that he needed to move, needed to say something, needed to explain. But the words wouldn't come. He could come up with songs on the spot, had a talent with getting emotions out in his work. But he couldn't find the words to say to fix everything.
For once, he didn't have the answer.
Bing!
His hand moved on its own. Kendall slapped his fingers against the button that would take the elevator back up to his floor. Shame filtered through him, making him close his eyes when the doors closed. Closed on the confused and pissed off expressions of his ex-girlfriend and his current…something.
Sighing, Kendall placed his hands over his face, leaning back against the wall of the elevator behind him. It was the only thing holding him up. A few hours. How had everything in his life managed to go from bad to great to okay and back to bad in only a few hours? Did he do something in another life that he was getting cosmic karma for?
Once the elevator doors dinged open, Kendall ran back into the crib, slamming the door shut behind him. He pressed his back against it, chest heaving as he tried to figure out what to do. It didn't help that as soon as he entered the apartment, James turned his way, from where he was 'just casually' sitting at the nearby counter, looking at his phone.
James didn't look up or even try to disguise the envy in his voice as he asked, "So, did you get that date with Lucy?"
Instead of replying, Kendall raced into his room and ducked into the closet. How funny, the first place he went to hide was the same place he went when he was a child. There had been many times he'd heard his parents' fighting late at night and he'd crawl into the closet to put an extra barrier between himself and the low rumblings. He'd read comics and books by flashlight while waiting for it to stop. Spent man a time when he was bummed and didn't want to talk about what was bothering him in there. It was always a safe space for him.
Now it was a place of comfort, a fortress from the confusion and hurt that followed him.
"Kendall?"
Kendall heard Logan's voice coming from the direction of his desk. How had he not noticed Logan sitting there in his mad dash for sanctuary? "I'm not here," Kendall called back desperately.
"The who am I talking to?" Logan replied. Kendall could hear him coming closer to the closet and willed him to go away. It wasn't until there was a knock at the door of the crib that Logan paused. From the crack in the door, Kendall could see Logan crane his neck to peer out into the main area of the crib. "James who is it?"
Kendall knew exactly who it'd be and squeezed his eyes shut.
He was prepared when he heard the door open and James's startled cry of, "Jo?!" that caused Logan's head to whip around before he went to see for himself. Once Logan was gone, Kendall pushed the door open wider to hear what was being said.
"Jo!" He could hear Carlos's excited cry and imagined him grabbing her in a bear-hug, while Logan replied quieter, "Jo?"
"Hey guys," Jo greeted, her voice strained by Carlos's hug. "I'm, back. But, I guess you can see that." There was a pause and a small shuffle sound. Carlos must've put her down. Kendall strained harder to hear. "I'm, uh, looking for Kendall."
"He's not here," Logan said quickly.
"Haven't seen him," Carlos said. At least he was telling the truth.
"I don't know where he is," James added.
"Oh, okay." Even from where he hid, Kendall could hear the disappointment in Jo's voice. He lowered his forehead to his knees. "Well if you see him, telling him I'm looking for him. And that I need to talk to him about something. Okay?"
The boys promised they would before closing the door on her. Kendall knew his friends were coming closer to him and didn't have to look up when he heard the door quietly slide open over the carpet. He took in a deep breath, let it out, and mumbled, "I've got problems."
"Yeah, Kendall, I think we can see that," Logan said. Kendall looked up at him and felt his heart drop when he saw Logan tilt his head to the side. It was the universal 'we need to talk' looks. He noticed, suspiciously, that it was very similar to his mother's look. "What happened?"
"I—"
Kendall didn't get the chance to respond when there was another knock on the door. His heart sank even further. He knew who that was, too. And it took only a few moments for Logan to answer the door, converse with the person on the other side, then come back to report it was Lucy who had been at the door. "She says she needs to talk to you," he reported.
"I know," Kendall groaned.
"What happened?" Logan repeated.
And Kendall explained everything that happened after he had left his friends. They all listened with rapt attention as he spoke, explain why Jo was back, what happened with him and Lucy and how he had run. Now that he had caught his breath, Kendall realized the pain throbbing in his calf muscles. He must've pulled a muscle from running so fast.
"You know, you can't run from your problems," Logan said calmly.
"Yes, I can," Kendall insisted. He ran his hands through his hair, brushing his bangs off his forehead. "I'm so confused. I just need some time to think."
"What I'm confused about is how none of them want to date me," James interrupted. He jumped when all eyes turned to him in a glare. He smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood a little bit." He cleared his throat and said, "Besides, there's one thing that you forgot about."
"What?" Kendall asked, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Have I dated a Jennifer and completely forgotten about it? Oh, what about Miss. Collins? She's been looking real good lately."
"No," James said flatly. Then he exchanged smiles with Carlos and Logan who clearly agreed with him as he said, "Though you're not joking about Miss. Collins." He rapidly raised and lowered his eyebrows then his face became serious once more. "No, man. I mean, does Jo even want to get back together with you?"
"And more importantly, do you want to get back together with Jo?" Carlos added. His voice went soft. "You and Jo have been apart for a long time. And…you've been moving on with Lucy. Or, I thought you were."
Kendall twisted his mouth to the side. "I haven't thought about it," he said honestly. "I really didn't want to think if I still had feelings for her." He thought for a moment, of how he felt while she'd been gone. Awkward, mostly. Not sure if she should contact her 'just to say hi'. Or to say anything if they were tagged in the same scutbut on scuttlebutter. No, he didn't think he still had feelings for her. Friendly feelings, maybe. Caring feelings, yes. But romantic ones…?
"Well?" James asked after a moment.
Looking each of his friends in the eye, Kendall did his best not to become frustrated. The best friends he'd ever had. The ones who stuck with him through thick and thin and seen him at his worst and his best, supporting him through everything he'd been through. They were there when his father left, there when he had to take on a job at thirteen, so his family didn't become too poor and lose the house. There when he had surgery on his knee from damaging it in a hockey game. There for him when Beau showed his true colors of how much of a jerk he could be.
Just as he was for them.
Now, he didn't know what to say to them. Their opinions were as important to him as anything. He didn't want to let them down.
"Guys, I really appreciate this," he said. "But I don't want to talk about it right now." His mind was swirling with too many worries. Thoughts of god outcomes that turned into nightmares where he ended up alone and with no friends in the end. Where he hurt too many people. That was the last thing he wanted to do, to hurt someone. And yet it seemed that he had no choice but to come up with something.
Jo and Lucy both wanted to talk to him and he wanted…for everything to go away.
"We understand," Carlos said. He gave Kendall a sympathetic look that only he could muster; one that made him equally feel terrific and terrible. James, Logan, and Carlos left Kendall alone in the room allowing him the grace to grasp the door to the closet and close it once more.
Once he heard the door to the bedroom close as well, Kendall clenched his hands into fists. Dug his fingers into his palms, trying to hurt himself as hard as he could. Maybe, he'd be able to atone for the pain Jo felt when seeing them. He saw it in her eyes. The pain Lucy felt when he closed the door on them. He saw it in her eyes.
There was only one person he wanted to talk to, who would understand and give him some help.
Kendall pulled out his cell phone and used his thumbs to start a text.
I look up to the sky and now the world is mine. I've known it all my life, I made it, I made it! I used to dream about, the life I'm living now. I know that there's no doubt, I made it, I made it!
Riley danced alongside her siblings, working hard to make sure her movements were in sync with each sharp hit they were to make. Arms and legs hitting hard as if they struck a brick wall, throwing herself to the ground in a low sweeping move before popping back up once more. She studied her reflection in the mirror, not to watch to make sure her movements were right—no, she and her siblings were always so in sync with each other she didn't have to think about it—but to study her own face.
She could see the unhappy glimmer in her eye and knew the others could see it too. Working on choreography whether it was for a show or for their own enjoyment, their number one priority was to have fun when they were doing it.
"If you're having fun, the audience is having fun," was one of their own mantras they used. Something they reminded Big Time Rush about whenever they were working hard but not seeing the results. "Just remember to have fun."
With a frustrated sigh, barely audible under the thumping and throbbing music that poured through the room, Riley warned herself to focus. She threw herself to her knees—a transition they used through a lot of their shows; falling to the knees to slide forward a few feet before flipping onto their hands and propel themselves forward in a series of forward hand springs to get to their position on the other side of the stage.
This time she stumbled and had to throw herself to the side in a cartwheel, not only to navigate herself away from colliding with Noah, but also to get herself back to her feet to complete the handsprings. She moved back to her space on the line and continued through the movements until the song ended.
Then, gasping for breath, she grabbed her nearby towel and draped it over her head before joining her siblings on the ground as Patrick led them in a round of stretching. She'd hoped no one would ask about what was going on but knew it wasn't to be. Not just because they were family, but also because they were a band, co-workers with each other. And Ronan, who had recently moved into a managerial position with them along with his role as their music producer was not about to let anything slide.
"Great job with the choreography today, Rhu," he said, making her nod her thanks. She sat up straight, brushing her hair back from her face and listened with rapt attention as he continued with, "The increase in difficulty was seen. I think once it's perfected it'll go over well."
"Ace," she replied, running a hand through her hair. "I was hoping we could perform it at our show at the fair," she explained. "It's more of a relaxed atmosphere, I reckon we don't need to worry so much about the more emotive songs we have."
"Let alone having to drag all of our instruments to the stage," Patrick agreed. He smiled his lopsided smile and said, "I don't fancy being electrocuted again, yeah?"
"That was on a photoshoot," Noah corrected him. He scratched the back of his neck. "For AMP, I think. With the light that fell into the tub?" He smiled as his siblings all started to laugh at the memory. It had been a strange photoshoot if they were being honest. What did taking pictures with your feet in a filled bathtub have anything to do with the song they were releasing?
Absolutely nothing.
But it was fun. All until a small light that had been mounted to the shower rod fell into the water. It had given them a small jolt, the same tingling you'd receive if you kept your fingers too close to the pronged end of a plug when putting it in or pulling it out of a socket. Pins and needles. But it had been enough to make them scream in surprise before flailing out of the tub, laughing hysterically.
It was that resulting shot that had ended up in the magazine and in online publications. One of their favorites, really. Sort of scary when they thought of it now, but still funny.
Riley's smile faded after a second and Ronan noticed. He folded his arms and looked at her curiously, "You didn't keep up with your usual enthusiasm today, Riles," he pointed out.
"I know," she said honestly. "I have a lot on my mind." Like the image of her best friend kissing someone else. The image of one of her best girlfriends upset that he was kissing someone else. Too many things to think about, really. Her mind was already a funnel cloud of insecurities, home responsibilities, work responsibilities, and everything in-between. The last thing she needed to worry about was any sort of girl drama.
"Care to share?"
Sydney, who was unusually quiet the entire practice since Riley had arrived from returning from the Palm Woods, leaned towards her and asked, "Does it have anything to do with Kendall?" Riley gave him a critical look and he shrugged saying, "Just a guess, sis. Lately it seems like you're about to chuck a spaz."
"Well, he did sing a song he wrote for her to another girl," Noah murmured. He bobbed his head back and forth. "I'd be pretty pissed about that, too, yeah?" Patrick nodded in agreement while Rhuben leveled her gaze at her twin.
Riley twisted her mouth to the side and brought her hand up to scratch her forehead. She'd never try to keep it from her siblings—they'd noticed the way she frantically wiped at her eyes when she left the locker room and met them in the dance studio. But she didn't want to talk about it so soon, not when she could feel tears starting to come to her eyes once more.
"Ah, well, you guys would figure this out soon anyway," she mumbled. With a humorless laugh, she brought up a hand to scratch her forehead, using the movement to wipe away the budding, stinging tears that stuck to her eyelashes. "Uh, I saw Kendall kissing Lucy." At the same time, Rhuben Patrick, Noah, and Sydney all sucked in a sharp breath at the same time, making Riley truly laugh that time. Ronan, on the other hand, continued to watch her quietly. "Of course, which is after I fucking helped him get rid of her ex-boyfriend. Cheers."
"That Beau guy?" Rhuben asked, wrinkling her nose. "'Mille and Steph told me about him. Sounds like a real piece of work."
"And you're pissed off because?" Ronan pressed.
Riley shot him an annoyed look. "Because Kendall's pissing me off, beyond usual. The one time I'm trying to really tell him something and he can't pay attention for more than five seconds." She shook her head. "I'm bloody tired of him treating me like all I'm good for is to help him out of his stupid girl drama."
Ronan let out a heavy sigh, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans before shifting into his natural stance; holding his hands clasped together behind him. A military resting stance, despite having never served. "I hate to break it ya, "Well, I hate to break it to ya, Ripcurl, but you put yourself in that position." He thought for a moment. "Why did you go to help him today?"
"Because he asked," Riley said flatly.
"If I asked you to jump off a cliff would you do it?" Patrick asked.
Riley smiled at him. "Only because I'd take you with me," she said.
"Good, it'd keep us from having to hear his dumb comments all the time, loser," Rhuben teased, reaching over to ruffle his hair.
He batted her hands away. "Thanks, jerk face, now they know who to look for first if I ever die suddenly."
Riley laughed.
"But why did you do it?" Ronna pressed, grabbing his eldest daughter's attention once more. "You said he asked for your help. I'm sure he told you what the situation was."
Riley pursed her lips, trying not to pout. She crossed her arms, resting them on her upraised knees. How did this turn into a pseudo-counseling session? "If he wanted to be with Lucy, then…as long as he's happy, yeah?" She shrugged, suddenly very uncomfortable.
Ronan nodded. "You helped him through his break up with Jo, because you wanted him to be happy, you helped him get with Lucy because you wanted him to be happy. You want him to be happy, I get it. But I don't get why at the risk of your own happiness."
That made Riley angry. "Just because you think you're perfect for someone does not mean you deserve them, Ronan," she pointed out. "I hate to break it to you, but life doesn't work that way, yeah?" That doesn't mean the person they are with is evil or bad for them. And if they are, it's none of your business because it's their feelings for each other that matter. If you try to do something about it then you're a real shitty person." She lifted her finger and pressed it to her temple. "And yes, I just unraveled everything that Taylor Swift has taught young girls for the last five years. You're welcome." She made the motion of shooting herself in the head, making her siblings and even Ronan laugh.
Nevertheless, he reached over and placed his hand on her head, gently ruffling her hair. "But you never told him how you felt about him. Never told him that his feeling for Lucy was bothering you. Never told him that his singing that song bothered you. If you never told him, he'd never know it."
That certainly was true. How many times had she had tried to let him know she was interested? Enough that he hadn't noticed. Yes, she had a way of saying things that held double meanings, but there were many times she'd been straight forward with it and he still hadn't gotten it. Or maybe she hadn't been direct enough.
"So I'm wrong to be pissed?" Riley demanded.
"No, he's not treating you fairly," Ronan agreed with her. "I just think that you shouldn't put all of the blame on Kendall when, to be completely honest, part of it should be on you too. You realized that you liked him over the summer and you never told him, so…"
"I know." Now Riley finally pouted, unable to stave off her sadness any longer. She could feel it pulling at her gut. "Why do you think I'm so mad?" Rhuben started to say something and Riley quickly shut her up with a glare that said 'Don't even.'. Rhuben raised her eyebrows in response, 'you don't know what I was going to say'. Riley lowered hers to say, 'yes I do'. And teh girls smiled at each other.
Thinking for a moment, mulling over the options they had Rhuben then asked, "The usual?"
In that moment, Riley felt nothing but overwhelming love and support for and from her sister who knew just the right thing to say at the exact right time. She didn't feel like dwelling or talking about it anymore, knowing it would upset her enough to start crying. She didn't want to cry. Didn't want to be so vulnerable. Hated she allowed it to bottle up so much, but it was true to form. There were many things she could say as soon as the thought came to mind; coming out in a blunt attack. But others she didn't allow herself to say, hadn't been allowed to say when Robert was around. It was a tricky situation to move through that she still struggled with.
But 'the usual', being a night on the town, was certainly what she needed.
"Ace," Riley replied, already feeling her spirits soar. Nothing made her feel better than the chance to just have fun, with no pressure around and not having to be 'Rage'. Not having to put on some sort of a show or be a role model to whomever was a fan. It was exhausting. "Absolutely." She reached out her hands and Noah grabbed onto them, helping her to her feet. "Your car or mine?"
"Mm," Rhuben gave a half smile before saying teasingly, "Given the circumstances, who would be more likely to get a speeding ticket?" Then she thought for a moment before bobbing her head. "I reckon, considering the fact that Kendall hurt my sister, I'd say that there's an equal chance."
"We can take yours," Riley finally decided, conceding that now that her siblings knew what happened, Kendall wouldn't be too popular with them. Even Sydney was already starting to frown intensely, something that hardly ever graced his more innocent features. "Besides, I'm sure that Dak would like some time alone with you, even if it's in the comfort of the front seat."
"I didn't need to hear that," Patrick mumbled, earning a flick to the ear from Noah, who threw his arm around his neck in a headlock after.
Riley thought to say something about his burgeoning romance with Katie but decided against it. He already blushed a storm whenever it was mentioned, he didn't need the torture of it either. Not when she was already feeling so cruddy. I wonder if Katie knows what he did? The thought came to her mind before she could stop it, making her feel a flash of irritation once more.
"Just because we're dating now doesn't mean you can still make fun of him," Rhuben said with a laugh. She then motioned to herself, lifting her chin. "That's my job."
"An easy one, I bet," Riley commented. Then she held up her hands and stood a step back from her sister, flashing a charming smile. "It's the last one, I promise." Well, she wasn't quite sure about that, sometimes it was just too much fun to pass up.
She heard her cell phone ringing in her bag by the door. Or maybe she sensed it, as it appeared no one else had noticed. She knew Kendall was calling her and with a burning flare of anger, didn't move to answer it. No, instead, she grabbed her bag, slung it over her shoulder, and tuned it out as it went to silence. Then she walked to Rhuben and slung her arm over her twin's shoulder.
"Let's go."
Kendall stretched his legs out in front of him, watching as a bug crawled over the tip of his shoe. He heaved another sigh. He'd been doing it a lot that day. How long had he been sitting outside? Long enough that the sun that rose high over the sky was slowly starting to sink. Reds, pinks, oranges, and yellows splashed the sky like a painting.
Normally he could enjoy it, enjoy its romantic properties with a picnic or a stroll through the park with his girlfriend. But which one? The ex who just returned, or the one he'd only been dating for half a day? Or which most was him avoiding her. He'd decided to hide out in Palm Woods Park after her latest admission. He'd still been hiding in the closet, trying to get in contact with Riley. She wasn't responding to any of his calls or texts. He knew she was busy, held a schedule that was filled more than he could ever imagine. But it couldn't be hard to spare one minute to send something back could it?
Send back. Go back. Leave.
Ugh.
It only reminded him of what he'd heard Lucy and Jo say. They were both thinking of leaving the Palm Woods. He'd heard Lucy say it herself, "I understand if he wants to get back together with Jo. I just don't want to be around it. So, I'll save myself a broken heart and leave the Palm Woods if I don't hear from him soon."
And Jo had said the same thing.
"I really just want to talk to him. But I don't want things to be too awkward, we have a lot to talk about. I'll understand, but if I don't hear from him soon, then I'll know where we stand."
Camille and Stephanie had tried to help, "Just choose who you like better and go knock on her door."
But it wasn't that easy. He didn't know what door to knock on. Jo was amazing but an actress and would always be leaving for roles. And Lucy was amazing too…but they hadn't been dating that long. And he was tired of sitting in a closet. He needed some fresh air. So he went to Palm Woods park and just…sat. It wasn't working.
"Okay." Kendall looked up when he heard Riley's voice next to him and found her standing beside him, her arms folded over her chest. "What was so important that my phone battery had to die because you kept calling?"
"I'm glad you're here," he said honestly, surprised at how true it really was. He motioned for her to sit next to him but she stayed standing, continuing to stare at him. Kendall shrank back under her gaze. That was weird. Normally she was happy to see him. "Is everything okay?"
"What do you want, Kendall?" she asked.
He frowned. She called him by his actual name. Not Hockey-Head, Kendork, Kendoll, Kendoi, Kenduh, Eyebrows, K-Dawg, Dimples, Forehead, or anything else she could come up with. (Which, admittedly, he was impressed by). Just Kendall.
That wasn't good.
"Okay." Kendall licked his lips.
He knew something was wrong, he could sense it, but had no idea how to address it. So, instead, he started to talk about his problems instead of avoiding them. All of them. It came out like a rushing waterfall, bubbling up over his lips then spilled down around his feet. A basin that continued to widen as the seconds passed. He continued to talk and talk until everything was out in the open and he was heaving for breath, not having stopped.
"And now they're both threatening to leave the Palm Woods if I don't choose one of them by a certain time and I don't know what to do," he finally said. He looked up at Riley, waiting for her response. Riley continued to stare back at him, almost as if she hadn't heard a word he said. Silence stretched between them like a chasm, or maybe he was starting to notice how much they'd drifted. Kendall lifted a hand and waved it in front of her face. She didn't blink. "Yoo-hoo. Riles, are you still there…?"
Riley rolled her eyes, clenched her hands into fists, and took a deep breath. Her cheeks slowly started to flush. Kendall frowned, knowing what that meant. She was more than angry, she was pissed. And it only got worse when he ventured to ask, "What should I do?"
She gritted her teeth before saying flatly, "How should I know?" She raised and lowered her right arm in a shrug. "It's none of my business, yeah?"
That floored him. She always had something to say, a way to help him. "I just have no idea how to go about this."
Riley's eyes flashed and when she started to speak, her words started out in a hiss before it crescendoed. "I came here because you said you wanted to talk about something. And, like a dill I decided to see what it was you needed. Thinking, maybe, you were in a lot of trouble. But, now I know for sure all I'm good for is to give you advice when you have a problem." She sneered at him. "And it's always so fucking stupid. Something with the band isn't going your way? You whinge and make things worse to get your way. In the music industry, you start out as a canvas that people—"
"—Paint their pop on?" Kendall asked dryly, remembering the words Gustavo had said about him and his friends when they first started out. He expected Riley to laugh, she didn't even smile. She continued to glare at him.
Riley quickly changed the subject. "Everything is always about you, Kendall. Like no one else's feelings and hard work matter. You go on and on about how you didn't want fame to change you lot. It has. You used to not care so much about girls! It's like you can't function without a girl having to have your attention. Jo made you so fucking whipped it was beyond pathetic. Now you're going out with a girl that's a fucking poser, your ex comes back, and you're whinging about both of them wanting to date you? You want to know what I have to say about it? I'm done."
Kendall blinked in surprise, slowly stood up, looked at her pleadingly. How was this happening to him? What else could he have done to mess up so badly? "What do you mean?" He asked.
"I'm done." She said it so vehemently that he flinched. "I'm fucking sick and tired of you treating me like I don't matter."
Kendall's jaw dropped. "What the hell? Riles, you know you matter to me. I care about you."
"Really?" She scoffed. "When was the last time we had a real conversation? When was the last time you asked what was going on with me? Or talked to me without the conversation steering back to you? When as the last time we hung out like friends. You're supposed to be my best friend."
"I am your best friend!"
"When, in the last few days, have you been my best friend?" She spat. Kendall paused, trying to think. "In the last few weeks? Few months?" Frustrated, he looked away from her. Her eyebrows rose in mock surprise. "You don't have an answer? There's a bloody shock. I've been more of a friend to you than you fucking deserve. And you have nothing but girl drama you need me to help you with." Her face screwed up. "And I can't believe that James 'dibsed' Lucy when you guys got back or that you lot dibs people at all. Do you even know what dibs means?"
Kendall immediately flashed back to what Logan had to say about it, but Riley spoke up before he could respond.
"It means Dealer Identification Book, where farmers put chalk marks on the asses of cows that were marked for sale. Did you guys dibs me and Rhu, too? Is that how we're all friends? Do I look like a fucking cow to you?"
"No!" Kendall protested. He gritted his teeth in frustration. Things weren't supposed to be going this way. They were supposed to talk, laugh, have a good time, end up going to an ice cream shop or the guitar store and have time fly by as they hung out. Wow, it really has been a long time, he thought. "C'mon Riles, you know it's not like that."
"I might have before, but I'm not so sure now." Shaking her head, Riley took a step back from Kendall. "I'm done. I'm sick and tired of you, the way you treat me, your girl drama and you bringing me into it. Go fuck a cow, Kendall! And leave me the fuck alone."
With that she turned on her heel and walked away, leaving Kendall calling after her until the words died on her lips and he let her go. With the heaviest of sighs, Kendall dropped back onto the bench and rested his face in his hands, groaning.
He hadn't been hit, shoved, punched, kicked, or slapped but it truly did feel like he had.
A week.
Kendall hadn't talked to Riley in a little over a week and for two people who spoke nearly every second of every day, it was killing him. Every time he tried to apologize, he was ignored. Every time he tried to call, it went straight to voicemail. He stayed up late to see if she'd come online. Looking for RiledAndCrazy11 to appear on his chat list. It never did. He knew he was blocked, she was online all the time. If her social media accounts weren't being used, she was online listening to music or watching videos while she worked on her art; traditional or digital, answering emails, recording videos, writing, or reading.
In that time frame, things became awkward with everyone. His friends tried not to mention Riley around him, which became difficult when they were working together. When she had to style them for something, even if it were as simple as a television appearance, she'd get his done first, when she typically left him for last, so they could talk. She'd hardly smile and explain everything in a professional tone while she'd joke and laugh along with James, Logan, and Carlos.
Jo slowly integrated herself back into their friend group. Soon, it was like nothing had changed, and yet there was the dark cloud overhead that couldn't be ignored. Lucy avoided them all, only giving small smiles and nods as she passed them. Sometimes it looked like she was going over to talk to Kendall, but then she'd stop and turn away, disappearing as quickly as she'd arrive. As mysterious as ever.
But what hurt worse was knowing that the Jacksons weren't very happy with him either. They'd look at him, but not speak so much whenever Riley and Kendall were in the same room. Sydney hardly looked at him, Noah, who was always very quiet, became straight up mute around him, Patrick shot him a dirty look every now and then—of which he wasn't entirely undeserving, and Rhuben would simply and smoothly alter conversations around the elephant in the room.
It was torture.
And they were all starting to suffer from it.
After the week of it, of missing his friend, missing his best girl friend (Kendall had to be sure to differentiate or else James would glare at him until he corrected himself) he couldn't take it anymore. Kendall tossed his phone aside and asked the room, "Could one of you call Riles for me? She won't answer if I do."
James exchanged a look with Carlos and Logan, who both sucked in sharp breaths between their teeth. "I don't think she'll answer us if she's not answering you," he said slowly.
Kendall frowned. That was bullshit and he knew it. They talked all the time. He was the only one being left out and ignored. If everyone was so tired of not having things back to normal, why was he the only one who was trying to make it work? It didn't help that their fans were starting to notice it, too. Had noticed it since Lucy arrived. Apparently, the way they interacted on social media had changed and their fans (of their band and of their friendship) had started to voice their opinions.
Logan sat up straight, turning his gaze from the math textbook he'd been reading, and said, "You have to admit, you have been taking your guys' friendship for granted. She blocked you on chat and won't answer your calls. She's more than pissed. Trust me, I know what it's like to have her pissed at you."
Kendall felt bad for Logan. He and Riley had stopped being friends, close friends shortly after they reconnected in LA. Riley had said Logan wasn't her friend and despite having known each other since they were eight, that she never truly thought they were friends. Logan had to agree, knowing their friendship was based more on convenience rather than being real, compared to Rhuben's which was based on mutual respect and attraction to each other. Logan was hurt, as hurt as Riley was but understood why that friendship ended.
Carlos then piped up with, "No offense to Jo, she's one of my good friends, but with her, after a while, you didn't seem as happy as you did when you first started dating. And you were the one that seemed to be working the hardest to keep the relationship going. Then with Lucy…well, you know what we all think about that." He'd said a few times he thought Lucy was a little too much like Riley, but Kendall had refused to believe it. "And…well, we know how you feel about Riles too. You can't think she'd be happy with all this."
Kendall scowled.
Since he had expressed an interest in Lucy, the others had constantly told him that he was projecting his feelings for Riley onto her. Even his fans were wondering what was going on and he constantly got ScuttButts about it. He ignored it the best that he could, but he always wondered if they were being a bit truthful about what was going on. He did like Riley; everyone had known that since she had helped him get over his break-up with Jo, so it didn't help that she was there trying to help him with Lucy too. To him, it was a slap in the face, a way of her telling him that she wasn't interested in him the same way. He got that message loud and clear when he tried to hold her hand.
"Plus, you are always asking her what to do, not actually asking for advice," Logan said.
"Well, you have to admit," Carlos spoke up. "She never really gives him advice; she lets him figure out what to do on his own." He snapped his fingers and turned to Kendall. "Maybe that's what you're supposed to do now. Try to figure out what you really want. Do you want Jo or Lucy and potentially ruin your friendship with Riles? Or do you want to lose two great girls but keep a best friend?"
Kendall's scowl deepened. His face was starting to hurt from how often he was frowning. And he as getting tired of James saying he would get premature wrinkles if he continued to do it. He was tire dof everything. "I don't know," Kendall snapped. "I don't want to hurt anyone."
"It's too late for that," James commented, pulling at the fringe that fell over his forehead with his fingertips. His jaw clenched as he listened to the conversation around him. Kendall could feel him tense against the couch cushions and looked at his best friend curiously.
"Well, if she was so mad about all of my 'girl drama' then how come she hadn't said anything before?".
"Because she wants you to be happy," Logan said.
"Because she cares about other people's feelings before hers," Carlos said.
"Because she's totally into you, dude," James concluded. Carlos and Logan glared at James while Kendall stared. What? Had he heard right? James's noncommittal shrug seemed to prove it true. "It was going to come out eventually, and he needs to know. It's too pathetic that he doesn't notice."
"She doesn't like me," Kendall denied, ignoring the rapid beating of his heart. "There's no way, because she only sees me as a friend." He rolled his eyes, unable to keep the contempt and frustration out of his voice. "Which she has implied many times if you haven't noticed. I realized that when she stared to push the whole Lucy thing on me."
"Dude!" James ran his hands over his face before turning to Kendall with what was close to a glare. Kendall knew James was a bit protective of Riley, as a matter of fact was jealous about it. He was suddenly reminded of Riley's secret, when she told him that she'd asked him out and he turned her down. They flirted all the time, what was keeping James from doing something about it. He flirts with Rhu, too, Kendall reminded himself. Don't freak out. "Listen to me. She acted like she was fine with Lucy but in actuality, it's been killing her. She's liked you since we left on the tour and they went home to start their break, maybe even before that. The rest of us could see it. And you've done nothing but stomp all over her heart because you keep asking her what she should do about your girl problems."
Kendall fell silent.
Thought about everything James had told him. He was in nothing but girl drama. There was one girl that he had been in love with that broke his heart when she had to leave and a girl that he tried so hard to get to become his girlfriend, even driving her ex-boyfriend away. Then he was caught kissing the second girl when the first girl game back. But through all of that there had been only one person that had been there the whole time to help him with whatever he needed. She had been there right from the very beginning of his band and…he had taken their friendship for granted.
Kendall bit his lower lip as he looked back at his friends. "I need some air," he murmured, shakingly standing up. He hadn't felt so discombobulated since the first time he stepped on the ice in his toddler hockey skates. "Don't wait up. If Mom asks…tell her that I had a big decision to make."
And so he wandered around, trying to find a place that would be free of anyone he knew or any confrontation. He only made it as far as Rocque Records before dropping onto a bench outside the building and rested his chin in his hands.
He didn't know how long he had been there until he heard a sweet, "Hey, Big Brother," and looked up to see his sister walking towards him. She held onto the straps of her backpack, practically bouncing as she came over.
"Hey, Baby Sister," Kendall replied with a smile. His little sister always managed to make him smile, even when he was having one of the worst days of his life. Or, in his case, the last few weeks. "What are you doing here? Torturing Gustavo a little?"
"A little," Katie replied. She nodded back towards the record company. "I was running Rocque Records."
"Right." Kendall nodded. Now he remembered. She was doing work-study with Rocque Records, an assignment from the Palm Woods school. He remembered Miss. Collins saying something to him about it, making sure she got the work done.
She hadn't been doing a lot of her school work lately, making their mother frustrated with her. From what he overheard of their conversation when their mother confronted her, she may have been spending a little too much time with Patrick when she should've been doing her work. (Though Kendall was never sure what that meant, hand-holding, kissing, or anything else. It worried him either way).
"As long as you don't run it into the ground, I still need a job," he teased her.
Katie laughed. "Don't worry about that, I think Gustavo doesn't want me around there anymore. Griffin either." She took off her backpack and sat next to him. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm running from three girls who are amazing," Kendall replied honestly. Finally saying it out loud, he could feel some pressure releasing form his shoulders. "And I don't know what to do."
Katie shook her head. "Yeah, I think I got that by now," she said.
"You don't have an opinion about it?" Kendall asked.
Again, Katie shook her head. "You know I don't try to get into your business about your girlfriends. If I didn't, you wouldn't have had some of the ones you had." Kendall gave her a look, making her laugh. "Kendall, you know some of the girlfriends you've had were terrible for you and I always saw it coming."
"Then why didn't you say anything?"
"It wasn't my business." She said it so calmly that Kendall felt it reverberate in him. All the girlfriends that he'd had, the ones that met her in some way, she never had an opinion about one way or another or so he thought. There were enough people she hadn't liked, but none of them had brought any harm to him. She was wary about the fans that vied to be his girlfriend now, knowing there were many of them that wanted him for his fame and money. Still, who he chose to spend his time with wasn't her business. "But your friends…that's my business." She looked at him sharply. "How could you not see what you were doing? Even when you're mad at the guys you treat them a lot better."
Kendall rubbed at his eyes. "Katie, don't start, I already feel like shit about this."
"What are you doing to change it then?" Katie demanded, grabbing her brother's arm. He looked at her. "You can't run from your problems, you can't ignore them. You have to do something to make things work out."
"I've tried talking to her," Kendall cried, emotion filling his voice making it crack. He was on the verge of completely cracking, he knew it. "I've tried to apologize. I tried to fix things." He clenched his fingers together so tightly that he felt his knuckles all pop at once.
"Don't try just do." Katie slapped her hands to her lap in exasperation. "Talk to Lucy, talk to Jo, make Riley talk to you. Make a decision. Just stop sulking. What have you done to try to change things?"
"I'm not sure what to do."
"Then walk."
"What do you mean, walk?"
"It clears your heard," Katie insisted. She leaned forward, resting her chin on her brother's shoulder. "I mean I know you skate to do that, but it doesn't seem like it's been working lately. So…just walk."
Kendall looked like he was mulling it over. In actuality, he was trying to figure out the best ending to every scenario that wasn't going to end up with him feeling lower than he already did. "But what if my head won't tell me what to do."
"Of course not." Katie rolled her eyes and gently punched her brother on the arm. She stood up and gathered her backpack in her arms. "But your heart will tell you where to go." She smiled warmly at him. "It always does."
Kendall slowly smiled at her. He let out a chuckle and stood up, opening his arms to give her a hug. Katie hugged him back and Kendall bent down, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "You know what, Baby Sister? You're really smart."
"About time you notice it," Katie said. She heard a honking sound and looked over to see their mother parked at the curb, waving to them. Katie waved back. "That's mom I've got to go." She eyed him closely. "Do you want a ride?"
"No." Kendall took a step back. "I think I'll walk."
"Okay." Katie walked to the car with Kendall along with her. He opened the passenger door for her and Katie slipped inside, tossing her backpack behind her. She buckled her seat and looked at Kendall for a long moment before saying, "Think of this…you just had your wildest dream come true. Who do you want standing next to you?"
Kendall looked away, taking in her words. Then he shook his head. She was much too smart. Kendall blew a kiss to her and his mother before stepping back so they could drive away. Then he started to walk. Down every street he found, around every corner. And everywhere he went, he found something that reminded him of his plight.
The first thing he came across was a restaurant called Lucy's Diner. He and Jo had eaten there once before. But soon found themselves enjoying having picnics in the park more often. They were always so romantic, and what also led to them getting in trouble when it came to him keeping her out too late. Which, in turn, made going to the prom a pickle. He loved being able to spend that time with Jo, lying out on a picnic blanket and watching the sunset and the stars, holding hands as they laid against each other.
Sometimes falling asleep in each other's arms.
Then he thought of one of the best times he'd had at a restaurant.
"I feel really underdressed," Riley murmured as she and Kendall were led through the dining room to their table. She tugged at the bottom of her jacket, hoping to cover the Lycra shorts she was wearing, having just come from a workout Patrick had made the two bands work through.
Kendall chuckled. He wasn't much better in a tank top and basketball shorts. Nevertheless, he followed the host, who looked at them with disdain, to their table. He didn't respond until they were seated and had their menus. "I thought you didn't care what people thought about you?" He teased.
"I don't," Riley replied. "But there's a bloody difference between having my ass hanging out and being underdressed, yeah? This is just plain disrespectful."
Kendall shrugged. "You said you wanted to eat here and I was driving, so here we are."
"It's just a bit too fancy for me, mate."
Kendall waved his hand. "So what? I don't see why you need to have a dress code just to go somewhere to eat. We have the money and we're giving them business, we can't kick them out." He sniffed flipping up his menu. "And, besides I used Gustavo's name. I don't think they'd be happy if he yelled at them so…they had to take us."
Riley laughed, folding her arms as she settled back in her seat. "And I thought you were too much of a goodie-goodie for things like that, Hockey-Head." Then she shook her head. "What am I talking about? This is the bloke who managed to get a good picture for Pop Tiger magazine despite the absolute crook it was."
With a proud smile, Kendall pretended to bow. "And that was only when we got started." Riley laughed and all throughout lunch the conversation flowed from topic to topic as they ate, even splitting a dessert. By the end, their waiter, who also wasn't as happy with their attire as the host, glowered as he hovered, giving them signals that it was time for them to go. "I guess we should get going."
"Too right," Riley agreed. They got up from the table and quickly left the restaurant under the glare of their waiter. They laughed on the way outside. "I seriously thought the bloke was going to blow a gasket."
"I don't think anyone there gets paid enough to clean that up," Kendall replied as they kept walking to the Big Time Rush mobile. "What did you end up tipping him?"
"What do you mean?"
Confusion filled Kendall as he turned to look at Riley, who looked back at him. "His attitude was pretty bad, but he did give good service. What did you tip him?"
"I thought you tipped him," Riley replied. Her eyebrows rose. "How much was our food?"
Kendall shrugged. "I don't know, I thought you…" his words died on his lips as realization struck him. They hadn't paid. Neither of them had paid for their meal. Kendall looked at Riley, whose own eyes were wide with horror.
She reached out and grabbed onto his arm. "We just fucking dined and dashed," she said. "Mate, that's fucking terrible. I'm a waitress, I know how bad that is!"
Kendall gave her a funny look. "I don't believe that you've never dined and dashed before."
Riley hesitated, making Kendall smile. He knew it. "Well, in Oz, I have. But we get paid a living wage there, not here." She had a point. His mother had mentioned it a few times, wishing she could have paid her staff more with all the good work they did in the diner back in Minnesota. "Did you?"
Now Kendall hesitated. "I didn't want to," he finally admitted. "It's was an initiation for becoming hockey captain." What his teammates didn't know was that he went back the next day and left the tip and extra money for the waitress they had stiffed. His conscience was that guilty.
"Your mum's the manager of a bloody diner."
"Just make things worse, Riles, okay?" Kendall ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, we'll just have to go back in and explain what happened."
Riley dutifully walked along with him. "You know that means we're going to end up washing dishes, right?"
"Yep."
And they did, but it was the most fun he'd had in a long time.
Kendall quickly turned away from the diner. He pumped his legs as fast as they could take him. He had to get away. Had to keep walking, had to keep thinking. But then he came across an ad in the window of a hair salon advertising red hair dye. Kendall chuckled to himself.
Riley's stomach muscles trembled as Kendall leaned over her, anxiety reading across his face like a spotlight. Steadily, his face loomed closer to hers. The air around them crackled with giddiness and the excitement that they were about to do something wrong.
He dug his fingers into her hair, the silky strands slipping through his fingers. "We're going to be in so much trouble if somebody catches us, Riles," he murmured.
Riley rolled her eyes. "It's a bathroom, Hockey-Head; I don't think a bloody SWAT team is going to come after us."
Kendall gave a half smile then nervously checked over his shoulder. "No, it's just…it's my mom's bathroom. It's the only place in the entire crib that's hers. The rest of us share the other one. Why don't we just use that?"
"Because it's not big enough to dye my hair in and you did say you'd help me." Riley reached up and scratched her shoulder, pushing aside the strap of her bra. The plastic bag on her left hand crinkled when she moved it through her hair, inspecting it closely. Red dye stained the front of the glove, resembling blood. "So just take the dye and spread it over the parts that are already red, yeah?"
"What's that other bottle for?" Kendall flicked his head towards the counter, eyes focused on her hair as he carefully applied the dye. It splattered to the bottom of the tub on the first attempt, before he managed to get it directly onto her strands of hair.
"That's bleach. My hair is too dark for it to show up normally, so I have to bleach it before dyeing it." Riley closed an eye as a splatter of dye hit her face. She wiped it away, leaving a small stain. "Piece of advice, don't get it in your eyebrows."
"Why?"
"It burns if you don't get it off quick enough." Kendall chuckled. "What's so funny?"
"Imagining you with blonde hair."
"I did it for an audition, it wasn't too bad."
Kendall leaned back, tilting his head to the side as he held his hands up, surgeon's hands. The dye dripped like blood off his fingertips. "I think that's it," he said.
Riley carefully reached up and patted the section off portions of her hair that were to get the dye. Her lower back ached, stomach started to burn. She was starting to feel the bridge position she was in, leaning on the side of the bathtub, using only her shoulders and leg muscles to keep herself up. "It's fine," she managed to grind out. "Okay, so it needs to sit for a few minutes and then you turn on the water to rinse out the excess—"
Kendall reached up and turned on the shower. Water cascaded out of the shower head, directly into Riley's face, and she let to a scream of surprise. "Not yet!" She sputtered. "Not yet! Turn it off!"
Leaping forward, Kendall frantically turned off the water, banging his shin into the side of the tub with a loud bang. He cried out in pain, grasping his reddening shin as he bounced up and down. Riley continued to sputter, her eyes closed as she leaned back. "What'd you do that for?"
"You said to turn on the water!"
"I said to do it after the dye fucking sits!"
"Well!" Kendall threw his hands into the air. "I don't know how to do girl hair. Did you see Katie when I tried to do a ponytail?"
"Just help me up, boofhead. I can't see."
Kendall reached out and grasped onto her slippery hands, pulling hard. A little too hard. Riley sat up fast, her water-logged hair arching upwards and smacked Kendall in the face and chest, splattering the hair dye on him as she did so. For a moment, the two stood there, stunned then got a good look at each other. Riley, resembling a drowned rat with her disheveled, wet hair shellacked to her face, cheeks streaked with red. Kendall's face was splattered with dye and he blinked rapidly, trying to keep it from running into his eyes.
Then they started to laugh hysterically, their tears mixing with the dye on their cheeks. Until there was a sound that immediately caught their attention. An almost primal, anguished cry that made them turn to the bathroom door to find Mrs. Knight's eyes wide with horror.
The formerly pristine white bathroom with navy blue accents now had droplets of water and red hair dye running down the walls and counters, puddling on the floor.
Mrs. Knight's hand, resembling a claw, rested on her chest, the other firmly grasping the handle to the door. She sucked in a deep breath, clearly trying to compose herself. "I'm not going to ask," she said, deadly calm. "Just clean it up and come talk to me."
"Mom—"
Mrs. Knight held up her hand and left the bathroom.
Kendall turned to Riley, who smiled sheepishly, pressing her index fingers together. "Oops," she said, blushing.
His mom had been pissed but they'd apologized repeatedly and cleaned up the bathroom as best they could before Mrs. Knight would talk to them again. And even she said it was the best the bathroom had ever looked but they 'better now do it again'. Of course, they did do it again, but only as a way for them to prank her into thinking one of them were bleeding badly after an 'unfortunate knife accident'. She still hadn't forgiven them for that one. The only time he and Jo had talked about hair dye had been when Jo was about to go on an audition that her agent wanted her to dye her hair for.
But not just any color, they wanted her to dye it red. Not a regular red, an orange-red. A bright carrot red. Kendall had laughed at the idea of it, giving way for Jo to pummel him, as she cringed at the idea. Still, it was a good laugh for the two of them as they tried to think of other colors on their heads.
And Kendall continued to walk, coming across a convertible stopped at a red light with the license reading 'I Love Lucy'. Kendall shook his head as he smiled at it. He and tried to teach Jo how to drive a stick shift but it had ended up turning into a massive argument. They apologized later but it was bad enough they didn't speak for a day.
But first arriving in LA, he didn't have his license or a permit. Only Logan had his learner's permit, the one to drive them to James's initial audition. But if they were to share a car, they were all going to need to drive. Kendall wanted to learn how, not just for their band car, but for ease his mother's having to drive them and Katie everywhere. Riley quickly offered to teach him and brought along the vans that carter her and her siblings around to do it.
Her only stipulation, "This is the only car we have, so if you crash it, I'll fucking kill you."
And she did well enough, a very calm teacher despite flinching when he came close to hitting another car, he passed on his first attempt of the test, getting his license shortly after. She'd been one of the first ones he told when he got it and she'd been very excited for him.
The light turned green and the car drove away. That was it, he knew what he was going to do.
Kendall made his way back to the Palm Woods, walking with purpose. He wasn't going to turn back down. Kendall walked all the way to the Palm Woods and took the stairs to his destination. He went to 4J and knocked on the door, wiping his hands off on the sides of his jeans.
Finally, the door opened. Jo smiled at him.
Kendall smiled back. "Hey" he greeted her in a hoarse whisper.
"Hey," Jo replied just as quietly.
"We need to talk," Kendall said.
Jo nodded. She held her arm, opening the door wider to reveal Lucy standing next to her, "Yeah, I think we do."
Riley hung a pair of jeans on a hangar and placed them on a rack before pushing it aside to make room for more. Once she was finished with that, she grabbed a handful of belts and started to make separate piles of them. Big ones, small ones, fat ones, skinny ones, studded ones, bright ones, dark ones, all went into its own place. Typically, she had it all figured out, but with her avoidance of Rocque Records as of late, it was getting harder to find time to organize the costume closet before Gustavo demanded she do it.
Of course, she talked him into paying her more for it, but it was her job and it needed to be tended to. So when she was sitting in the middle of the crowded floor and heard a knock on the closed door of the closet, she froze. It wasn't her siblings, they knew where she was and would've called. It had to have been someone else. And only one person had been looking for her as of late. Before Riley could call out, there was another knock and Jo poked her head in. "Hello?" She asked.
"Hey, Jo-Jo," Riley replied with a warm smile. Jo was her friend, was stuck in the same predicament as her, she couldn't be too mad at her. And Jo didn't seem to be upset either as she entered the room and sat down with her. "What brings you here?"
"Did I get fired form m job already?" Jo teased.
"Nah, mate, you're one of the best assistants I've had," Riley replied. She let out a quiet laugh then noticed that Jo smile, only she wasn't laughing as well. A sigh escaped Riley's lips as she rolled up a belt. She hated herself but had to asked again, "Why are you here, Jo?"
"I can't come see my friend?"
"We're still friends?"
"Did we stop?"
Riley twisted her mouth to the side. Jo had asked the question so innocently, so sincerely, Riley wondered if she'd even noticed. "Well, I figured since I didn't return your calls…" she trailed off, shifting her gaze away, not sure what to say.
Jo smiled back. "Yeah, Kendall has that effect on people." Riley stiffened but didn't respond. "Riles, I asked you to look out for him when I left. I did that for a reason. You're a great friend to him, I know that you could take care of him while I was gone."
Closing her eyes, Riley shook her head. "Jo, don't," she mumbled. She opened her eyes when she felt Jo reach out and take her hand. Jo smiled kindly at her, making her feel worse.
"We need to talk about this," Jo said. "I know why you've been avoiding me. Or at least I have an idea." She dropped Riley's hand. "I've known for a while that you've liked Kendall. I don't know, maybe even you love him." Riley winced. "I've known for a while and, honestly, for a little bit, I sort of resented you for it. I wanted to be a good girlfriend to Kendall, but we fought a lot. And every time we fought, I waited for him to come talk to me, but he'd go to talk to you about it. Then he'd come back, we'd talk, and things would get better."
"I never wanted to get in the middle of it," Riley defended herself.
"I know." Jo reached over and picked up a belt, rolling it as well. "I know that. But I guess it was inevitable. Just like how, now, I've gotten in the middle of things. I don't want to be in the middle. That's what I told Kendall when he came to talk to me today."
Riley lifted her gaze and looked at Jo curiously. Jo looked back at her, brown eyes filled with truth. She was being sincere. Telling the truth. She wasn't saying anything that Riley wanted to hear. And there was no ill will in her words when she said it.
"He talked to you?" Riley finally asked. Then she felt annoyed, having no idea why. She was the one who had been ignoring him for so long, couldn't even look at a mention of his name without seeing red. And when she saw red…it was game over.
"Mhm." Jo leaned back, resting her hands on the floor behind her. "Me, Kendall, and Lucy all talked today." She chuckled. "It was awkward, but we had to do it." She smoothed her hair from her face and looked Riley in the eye. "He really misses you."
"That's his problem," Riley said stubbornly.
"And you miss him, too, I know you do. I did, when I was gone. But…it took me a bit to know it was because I missed him as a person, not that I missed him as my boyfriend. Since we started dating we became this big thing, Kendall and Jo, or Jendall I think is what our fans called us. And there was a lot of pressure. I liked him, he liked me, but we didn't have a lot of things in common to keep us together. We tried…but it was starting to fall apart. You have more in common with him than I could ever imagine."
"I'm sure Lucy could say the same thing," Riley couldn't help but let the bitter words to come out of her mouth. Then she let out a bitter laugh, tilting her head back to run her hands over her face. "Oh God, I'm such a bitch."
"A bitch? No. You just really like him," Jo said. She smiled. "I'm glad you finally admitted it to me."
"I don't want you to hate me, Jo."
"I don't hate you, Riles. You're one of my best friends."
"So are you, Joey." Riley shook her head. "You're too nice for your own good. Anyone else would probably hate me for stealing their bloody boyfriend." She lifted an eyebrow, a smirk coming to her face. "I said I'd never make that mistake again, yeah?" Jo gave her a funny look and Riley lowered her head, sighing. "It's a long story just know I felt like shit afterwards. I should feel like shit now."
Jo shook her head. "Don't. I don't think I could take it." The girls looked at each other and laughed. "No do you want to hear about my trip and what happened with the movie or not?"
"Yeah, please," Riley said, feeling relief at the subject change. "I'm sure Pat would love to hear—"
Jo tossed a t-shirt to her. "Shut up!"
And so the two continued with lighter conversation topics as they finished cleaning and organizing the room until everything was in its place. Then Riley drove Jo back to the Palm Woods, dropping her off out front. She was seconds away from pulling away from the curb when she heard a knock at the window and looked over to see Mrs. Knight resting her knuckles against the glass.
Riley thought about driving away then decided against it. There was no need to be rude. She lowered the window and said quietly, with a small smile, "Hi, Mama Knight. How you going?"
"I'm doing fine, Riley," Mrs. Knight replied. Riley sucked in a sharp breath, she hated the way she wasn't angry, but comforting, understanding. "How are you?" Riley didn't respond. "Not very well, I'm guessing."
"I've been better."
"Do you want to come in?"
"I don't have the time."
"Kendall's not there."
"I don't have the time," Riley repeated. This time with less conviction and more fatigue. She was tired of having this conversation and, honestly, was seriously thinking of going back to Australia to get away from it for a little while. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Then how about I talk and you listen?" Her voice was still calming, but Riley knew she was serious. Without looking at her, Riley reached out and flipped the lock on the doors, allowing Mrs. Knight to open it and slide into the passenger seat. "I know you don't want to talk about Kendall but I'm not going to talk about him. I'm going to talk about you."
Riley's eyebrows twitched.
"Riley, I've known you for a few years now and I know you're someone who gets as upset as other people, but you can't show it. Or don't want to, or maybe had it beaten out of you, I don't know. But as I've seen, when you bottle things up, they tend to get worse and you say things you don't mean."
"I meant everything I said, Mama Knight," Riley murmured, shifting in her seat. She suddenly felt very uncomfortable. Not that she didn't like talking to Mrs. Knight, she liked having the time sometimes. She just hadn't had it in a long time, enough so it felt foreign to her. Ronan had managed to breach the wall of becoming her adoptive father with some work, but Mama Knight wasn't her mother and wouldn't be.
"And how's that working out for you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're walking around like you've lost your best friend and he's still around, fighting to be there. But you won't let him."
"Because he constantly takes advantage of my friendship, Mama Knight. I give second chances but I don't give third and fourths."
Mrs. Knight managed a small smile. "You'd lost a lot of people in your life if you continue to follow that thought." Riley snored. "But I see you've already lost a lot of people in your life. Now you just push them away before you can get hurt."
"I've already been hurt, yeah?"
"And he's hurting, too. But I can see it's hurting you even more. You found someone that really cared about you and now you're torturing yourself to keep from getting hurt again. While you do that, you still hurt.? I know he did something that hurt your feelings and your trust in him, but I think it's hurting your own trust with yourself, your vulnerabilities. So I have to ask…how's that working out for you"
In the seconds that followed, Riley felt her resolve breaking down until she felt the hard lump in her throat, cutting off her airways. She opened her mouth to breathe, to get air, and felt her breath, her entire body quivering. It was too late now.
Riley closed her eyes as tears fell down her cheeks. Mrs. Knight opened her arms, allowing Riley to leaned over and rest her head in her lap. The mother's touch that she hadn't had in years.
Kendall pulled on the hood of his sweatshirt as a chill moved through the thin fabric. He retrieved his phone out of the front pocket, looked at the time, then returned it before vigorously rubbing his arms. He couldn't think of how much time he'd been out there. Long enough that Ronan had asked him to come inside twice already since he first arrived.
Both times Kendall had said he was fine and wanted to wait longer. Now Kendall felt the cold seep in through the seat of his pants, freeze the tips of his ears and nose. It wasn't Minnesota cold, but it was still cold. Kendall pressed the sides of his hood over his ears before pulling his beanie down over his forehead. He blew into his hands and rubbed them together to warm them up, teeth starting to chatter.
He didn't look up when he heard the door to the house open again. "Kendall, come inside," Ronan said.
"No, I'm fine." Kendall shook his head. "I don't mind waiting."
"It wasn't a question."
Kendall heard the tone of Ronan's voice deepen and found himself standing up. He turned around to find the older man standing in black t-shirt, a pair of camouflage cargo shorts, and flip flops, rubbing his arms. Despite the cold, he looked at Kendall with so much ferocity that Kendall could only nod. Ronan nodded back and led Kendall into the warm house.
Closing the door behind him, Kendall backed away as Sydney ran by, holding onto a handheld game device as he went. He looked at Kendall with a small smile and greeted him with a quiet, 'hi', as he went. Kendall lifted his hand in response but didn't speak. He followed Ronan into the kitchen where Patrick and Noah sat across from each other, working on their homework.
They looked up when the two entered and Ronan jerked his thumb over his shoulder, silently motioning for them to leave. They did as they were told, packing up their things before leaving, muttering a 'hey' and 'what's up' as they went. It was the warmest response Kendall'd gotten from them in a long time.
Pushing up the sleeves of his sweatshirt, Kendall sat down at the dining table while Ronan made two cups of tea, placing one in front of Kendall in seconds. He had to been brewing it and leaving it to warm each time he went out to speak to the younger teen.
"So, I guess you want to talk," Kendall said slowly.
Ronan lifted his eyebrows, leaning back against the counter. "I never said that." He lifted his mug to his lips and took a long sip. "At this point, I think the last thing you need to do is talk. Well talk to me, anyway." Kendall smiled. "Besides, I think, by now, you have heard everything you need to hear. I don't have any advice for you."
Kendall lowered his heat, feeling his heart sink. He didn't know what he was waiting for, exactly. Advice, probably. He was able to give it as well as he was able to receive it. And he could take as much as he could get by that point.
"The one thing I will say, though," Ronan said, grabbing his attention once more. "Is that I've known Riley since she was about nine years old, so for almost ten years now. And the one thing I know about her for sure is that she tends to protect her heart as much as she does her family, with large walls. But those walls have a habit of coming down fairly easily around the right person."
Kendall gave him a look. As if he hadn't already known that.
"And that they can't be put back together again once broken."
"I'm not a bloody egg, Ronan," Riley said, walking into the kitchen with Rhuben behind her. Rhuben immediately locked eyes with Kendall over her shoulder, then backed away, moving at a quick pace. Riley looked at Kendall with a raised eyebrow.
"No shoot," Ronan replied, making Riley smile at his refusal to curse. Then she looked at Kendall with disdain and asked, "What do you want?"
"To talk, obviously," Ronan said. He went to his daughter and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "It's what you do best. It was good to see you, Kendall. We missed having you around."
"Thanks," Kendall replied. Ronan had said he wouldn't give advice, but in his own way, he had. He was a good friend. Kendall had expected Ronan to be upset or blame him for what happened and yet he continued to treat him normally. Kendall stood up from the table, pushing his tea aside and looked Riley in the eye. "Can we talk?" His heart sank. It was weird to hear himself ask in such a submissive, quiet way. He used to be able to say those words and immediately launch into a story or whatever plan he had come up with without a moment's hesitation. "We have a lot to talk about."
Riley twisted her mouth to the side but didn't otherwise respond.
"Ok, I have a lot to talk about."
Finally, Riley nodded and motioned behind her. "We can go outside—"
"—If it's all the same to you, I just came from outside," Kendall said quickly. "And I'm still kind of cold."
The faintest of smirks tugged at Riley's lips as she tilted her head. "I thought you could handle it," she said. "Being from Minnesota and all."
"Usually I can," Kendall said easily. "But that's when I'm moving around. I've been sitting there waiting for you."
Riley blinked in surprised. Her eyebrows twitched upwards. Then she turned on her heel, motioning for him to follow her. "We're going to my room," she said to Ronan, passing him in the living room.
Ronan nodded in response.
Kendall followed Riley to her room and sat down in her desk chair as she kicked off her shoes and dropped onto the foot of her bed, crossing her legs. She rested her chin in her hands and fixed Kendall with a pointed stare that immediately made him spill his guts.
He'd gone over everything in his head enough he knew exactly what he was going to say. "First, I don't want you to think that I only have you as a friend just so I can get advice from you," he murmured. He licked his lips cleared his throat, and kept going, finding strength in his voice. "You're my friend, my best friend because—" he cut himself off. "You're more than my best friend, actually. Much more than that. You're really great at giving advice, even when I don't want it, but that's not the only reason you're my friend." Riley's eyebrows rose but her expression didn't change. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. And you're right;"—her eyes rose even higher—"I've been really self-centered and selfish. I've only been talking about me and my problems. I haven't asked you how things are going with you. I didn't know you and your brothers and sister were getting an award for your volunteer work. I haven't asked how your summer was or how your break was going or how things were now that you've announced…"
He trailed off, seeing the flash of pain and fear in her eyes. Bringing up their abuse to their fans, to the public had been one thing. But having to repeatedly speak about it, to have it in the open enough so it was easier to speak about would take longer. Kendall cleared his throat. "I didn't ask how therapy was going, I didn't ask if you've been having any nightmares or if there was anything you wanted to talk about. I didn't even think to ask if hanging out with Lucy so much, ditching you so much, was hurting you. And for that I'm so, so sorry."
He thought of what else to apologize for but couldn't come up with it. Didn't know how to start, didn't know how deep everything ran. He didn't want to scare her?
"Are you done?" Riley asked. Kendall paused. She waved her hand, moving to get off her bed. "Good night, Kendall."
"Wait!" Kendall held out his hands. The desperation in his voice was palpable, making Riley slowly sit back down again. "I wanted to let you know that choosing between Jo and Lucy was the hardest decision I had to make." Riley snorted. "At first." Her eyes narrowed in confusion. "When I thought about it, really thought about it, it wasn't hard. At all. I already knew what my choice was. From the very beginning, I knew what my choice was. I didn't choose Jo or Lucy because I knew that they weren't always going to be there for me. You were. No matter what stupid thing I did, or even if I just needed to vent, I knew that you were always going to be there to help me; I couldn't guarantee that with them. I can tell that you and your brothers and sister are my best friends and you're the kind of people that are going to be my friends for the rest of my life and I don't want to lose that. I didn't choose either of them. I couldn't." He looked her in the eye. "I chose you."
Riley sat up straight, folded her arms across her chest, rubbed her arm. "I'm sorry?"
"I chose you," Kendall repeated.
There was a moment of silence where Riley gently shook her head, hair swinging around her face. She ran a hand through her hair, moving her hair over her shoulders, fixing her dark blue eyes on his. "I wasn't a choice, Kendall."
"You were to me. You are to me."
Kendall moved the chair closer to her, but kept his distance in case she was to start swinging. Just in case she managed to get her hands on something heavy. Or else maybe a set of keys would go flying towards his head. Nevertheless, he had his hands ready in case he needed to defend himself. Then immediately felt bad. She'd told him about her frustration with that before, how people only focused on how angry she got. How she hated things people said like, 'don't let Riley hear you say that' or 'better you than her' or 'you better sleep with one eye open' in reference to her anger. He knew it made her cry nearly every time though she hid it well.
So he moved closer.
"I wasn't a bloody choice because I removed myself from the bloody situation, boofhead," Riley clarified. She bobbed her head back and forth. "I knew where it was going to go, I took a step back, and I don't appreciate you bringing me back into it."
"Well, that's too bad, Riles, because this has to do with you. And me. And how much I'm going to fight for this."
"Getting some inspiration are you?" She asked with a wry smile. "Getting some inspiration to write a song about it?"
Kendall felt his temper flare. He knew where he messed up there. "It's a song, Riles. Yes, I wrote it for you, about you." He threw his hands into the air. "I wrote Cover Girl and You're Not Alone about you, to make you feel better, to make you know that I'm always there for you. That I…" he cut himself off. "That I care about you. Yes, I sang it to someone else. I'm going to sing it to someone else, it's going on our album, it's going to happen."
Riley's eyes flashed. "I have no fucking problem with you singing it to someone else. I know you have to, it's part of being a fucking band. The thing I couldn't stand," her voice cracked, "Was the way you looked at her when you sang it, you jackass." Kendall pressed his lips together. "Like you wrote it for her."
Oh God, he was tired of this. Tired of arguing, just wanted to get things back to normal. Wanted to get his point across. But she needed to admit her fault in it as well. "This isn't all my fault," he said. "And this is partially your fault. You never told me how you felt about me. We can talk about literally anything and you never told me; I had to have James tell me."
Now Riley looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Her lower jaw moved to the side and she crossed her arms, eyes narrowing. "How attached are you to James? Because I'm getting the feeling that he's going to die soon."
"Riles."
"Fine." Riley slapped her thigh. "You're right. I know you're right. This is partially my fault because I couldn't say it out loud." She leaned toward him, swinging her legs to the ground. "You want to know why I didn't fucking say anything? Because of Jo, yeah? Because I couldn't stand the thought of the look on her face if she ever said that she wanted to get back together with you and you were taken by one of her best friends, who never mentioned anything to her. And because of Lucy. I saw the way you were looking at her…" Her face started to turn red. "And how you kept blowing me off. You keep saying that we're best friend and we can talk about anything and you couldn't even talk to me about her. Instead, the only time you've talked to me recently was to ask me to help you get together with her, to get rid of her stupid ex-boyfriend."
Riley reached up her hand to scratch her forehead. "You telling me this isn't going to make everything magically better!" She started to yell, unable to keep calm. "You'd be surprised how fast the real world will screw you over if you allow yourself to believe that everything will be okay once you apologize." She shook her head. "Why am I not surprised? This is Kendall Knight I'm talking about, the guy whose blind optimism can get him through everything. God, I'm so freaking pissed at you it's not even funny!"
Finally, he was getting a response. "I know, I know. And…I don't think you'd ever forgive me, honestly. I know that it's going to take time for things to go back to the way they were—"
"Do you really think it can?" Riley asked, voice soft. "Do you really think that this can go back to the way it was before?"
Kendall thought for a moment. "Everything just happened so fast and when—"
"—When opportunities like that come you have to take it?" Riley interrupted. "Yeah, that's what Jo told me."
"You talked to Jo?"
"I didn't want to. But she already planned to help me clean out the costume closet and she said she wouldn't speak to me again if I didn't talk to her." She raised her hand to smooth her hair off her forehead. "I don't know if you noticed, but my biggest fear is not being liked. It's already hard enough for me to keep friends and I could think about losing Jo, too. But she and I talked. About you."
"And?" Kendall pressed.
Riley raised and lowered her right shoulder. "And what? I'm talking to you, aren't I?" She sniffed loudly. "The thought of you not liking me—"
"I do like you, Riles," Kendall said, putting as much passion into the word as he could. He knew it wasn't what she meant. Not completely. Knew she meant him having no feelings for her whatsoever, romantic of friendship. But he did. And he looked her in the eye, hoping that she could see the truth in his eyes. "I like you a lot. And I think…I know you like me, too."
Riley forced her eyes away from his. "I can't believe you almost threw this away." Kendall saw something glittering on her cheek and, surprised, Riley brought her hand up to her cheek and realized she was crying.
Kendall hesitated before sitting next to her, moving his arm around her shoulders. His heat swelled when she didn't move away. They sat in silence for a long time until Kendall couldn't stand it any longer. "I believe your words were to me were 'go fuck a cow'," He said with a laugh.
"Yeah." Riley grimaced. "That might've been a bit harsh, yeah?" She managed to smirk, though tears were still in her eyes. "I-I'm not calling Lucy a cow, I meant—"
"—don't worry, I know what you meant," Kendall reassured her. He truly did. That's where their troubles began as it was. When he had tried to prove to James that Lucy had winked at him during their Palm Woods show before their world tour and it had ended up in a convoluted dibsing war.
She sniffed again and Kendall reached out and wiped some of them away, causing Riley to briefly close her eyes. More tears spilled out.
"I didn't think that I'd ever see you cry," He remarked. Not because of him, he meant. He'd seen her cry before. Not very often, she hated to open herself that way.
"I didn't think so either," Riley managed to laugh, using the sides of her hands to wipe her face. "God, what's wrong with me?"
"Nothing. You just care more than you originally thought."
"I guess so," Riley agreed. She then frowned, looking at him seriously. "I hope you don't think that just because you apologized I'm going to automatically going to completely trust you again. I'm so angry at you, Kendall."
"I know. You haven't called me Hockey-Head once."
"This whole thing…you were right, I should've said something." Kendall nodded. "But I'm still so…" she shook her head then took a deep breath. "You're not going to like what I have to say."
"As long as you're not saying that you want me out of your life," he ventured quietly.
Riley took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "Us…this…" she motioned between the two of them. "I'm not sure where it's going or where it could go but… right now…I think you need some time to yourself. You've changed since you started to go out with either of them, you put so much more emphasis on dating than on your career…your friends…" She cleared her throat. "But I'm still here to talk. I mean, I might not be always willing to talk about it when you want, but I'd still try to help somehow."
Kendall gave a half smile. He understood. "How long do I have to wait?"
"Until you think that I wouldn't hit you in the face," Riley replied so deadpan that Kendall couldn't help but laugh.
"Deal."
Kendall smiled and wrapped his arms around his best friend, giving her a hug. And the two sat there for a long time; using the silence as a buffer between the start of their new, strange friendship. Kendall was so focused on the sounds of the suspicious quiet house that it was a moment before he realized that Riley was snickering.
Snickering? What? Kendal leaned down to look into her face realizing she was starting to laugh. "What?" He asked incredulously.
"Nothing," she replied quickly. When Kendall continued to watch her she made herself stop, regaining her composure. "Nothing," she repeated. "It's just…" She squeezed an eye shut. "From what I've seen…you're kind of a bad kisser."
Kendall's eyes widened. He yelped. "What?!"
"You're a bad kisser."
"I'm not a bad kisser!"
"Please. I've seen you kiss Jo and I've seen you kiss Lucy. Both times you've kissed them you don't have a lot of passion; it's like you're a dead fish. There's lip to lip contact but not much else to it." She rubbed her arm. "I mean, geez, you think for someone who gets a lot of girls they'd know how to kiss."
"Are you saying you do?"
"I haven't had any complaints." Her smile widened and she looked like she was about to start laughing again. "As for you liking me, boofhed, you were not subtle about that at all. I knew you liked me before you knew, everyone knew before you knew."
"So why didn't you say anything?"
Riley shrugged. "Like I said, I couldn't do that to Jo."
"And now?"
Riley grinned. "What do you think?" Kendall smiled back. Things were starting to feel right between them again. He heard a low shuffling sound and a light rumble from the closed door that connected her room to her sister's. Riley looked over and said, completely unconcerned. "Oh, they're just eavesdropping," obviously referring to her brothers and sister. "Guess I don't have to tell them now."
"I bet they would've been the first one you told," Kendall said. "That we're friends again. That we're…" He tried to find the right word for it. "Us, again." That was perfect, he could feel it in his bones.
"Of course, I tell them everything." Riley bit her lower lip as she smiled. "But outside of my family, the first person I would've told is sitting right next to me."
A/N: This part of their friendship/relationship (though I obviously love it as a whole) has always been one of my favorite parts to write/plan out (and *cough cough* re-write over and over). When I first came up with the idea (Which I'm sure is still a one-shot somewhere on this profile), everything was Kendall's fault, then I realized that it wouldn't make much sense if it were. He can take the bulk of the blame, but not all of it. Then on another attempt I tried to show how Riley had a good hand in what happened but didn't pull it off as well. So, third time's a charm.
Most of the scenario is the same, but I'm sure you'll find other parts that are changed/switched around that you'd enjoy as well.
Cheers,
-Riley
