Spock, who if he possessed pride would have prided himself on constant readiness, was at a loss to explain why Dr. McCoy seemed bent on catching him wrong-footed. Or so he told himself as he rose as gracefully as possible from the sofa where he had been curled catlike around the small body of Dr. Kirk.
"Mornin', haystack," said the doctor. At Spock's blank expression, he added, "Yer hair's stickin' straight up."
"Thank you for informing me," Spock replied stiffly.
"Mrr?" Jim added, blinking up at the two of them in sleepy consternation. McCoy pointed his tricorder at her in response. As it beeped and whirred, she stretched languidly, joints all over her body popping and crackling. She sighed in pleasure.
"You need to urinate, then go drink some more fluids," McCoy told her. She smacked her lips.
"Gee thanks, Bones. Why don't you tell the room how my bowels are doing, or how long it's been since I got laid?"
"Damn it, Jim, it's too early in the morning for scotch!"
"Try some of Spock's green drink. It's truly hideous."
"The theris-masu contains many beneficial phytonutrients and will mitigate your addiction to Terran coffee," Spock interjected.
"He tried to feed me liver," Jim said, ignoring the Vulcan.
"The abundance of iron and amino acids -"
"I already told you, I am not eating your nasty liver!"
"The item in question was a replicated beef liver, one widely recognized as appropriate for human consumption. My own liver remains in its customary location below my heart. Furthermore, your stated desire for me to 'give that thing back to the replicated cow I took it from' is illogical, as there is no need to replicate an entire animal -"
"Fuck it," the physician muttered to himself. "It's five o'clock somewhere."
Pike burst in, wild eyed. "Is she up?" he demanded. He spotted Jim. "Are you up?"
"If I say no will you go away?" she groused.
"No," said Pike hurriedly. "Listen, there is a very cranky old Klingon on the comm and he wants to talk to 'Captain Jim.' He's called three times now and each time he looks more and more like he's about to blast us to smithereens, so brush your hair and put on some golds!" He took a breath. "Please," he added belatedly.
"What's in it for me?" Jim replied, a calculating gleam in her eye.
"What do you want?" Pike asked exasperatedly.
"Coffee and donuts," she said instantly. McCoy turned an interesting shade of purple.
"Give her all the coffee and donuts she wants!" Pike commanded before anyone else could speak. "For chrissake we are on the brink of starting an interspecies incident here, I don't give a damn about her arteries!"
"When the atherosclerosis sets in, I'm going to remind you of that," McCoy pronounced grimly.
Chancellor Gorkon was a warrior of great experience and fortitude, but his aides could see the man was becoming greatly agitated. What many saw as Chang's 'defection' to the Federation had shaken him. And now the honor-less fools were playing deceitful games with the Empire, refusing to bring forth those of their number who had instigated the rift.
The one called Pike was hailing. "Answer!" was the Chancellor's curt command. The screen's resolution resolved, revealing the Enterprise's crew deck. Pike stood at parade rest, hands behind his back, another human and a Vulcan in similar positions at his side. Sprawled in a chair in front of them was a slight Terran woman with pale skin and golden hair and a mouthful of crumbling pastry. Gorkon was not impressed.
"Captain Kirk," he greeted disdainfully.
"Just Kirk," she corrected. "I'm no Captain."
Outraged muttering broke out among the Klingons. "What is the meaning of this, human?" Gorkon demanded.
The woman jerked her head backwards at the man called Pike. "Chris is the Captain," she said. "He always has been. If your people and mine are going to talk, I prefer we don't start it under false pretenses."
Gorkon could practically see the human crew holding their breaths. They clearly had not expected this creature to be forthright. So although she claimed she was not a Captain, she was evidently operating outside the authority of the ship's command. "Your offense against the Empire grows ever more dire!" he rumbled. "Nevertheless, your lack of deceit is a small showing in your favor."
"Listen, Chancellor, let's get one thing straight. The Klingon Empire has never been on good terms with Starfleet, so acting like we're somehow subject to your laws and traditions is bullshit. You know this, I know this, why are we even playing this game?" the woman asked him, exhibiting no trace of discomfort.
Gorkon blinked. "Your insolence is unforgivable. How dare you show us such disrespect?"
"When you earn my respect you will have it," she said sharply. "I know nothing about you, other than the fact that you are collaborating with the Romulans in some kind of devious plot against the Vulcan colony. On the other hand, I believe that my own actions have been steadfastly in keeping with both Terran and Klingon strictures on honorable and above-board behavior, yet you persist in treating me and my crew with disdain. How then should I respond? Did you expect meekness?"
Gorkon found he had no answer. Growling, he turned to an underling. "Bring forth my wayward protégé. Perhaps he can reason with this infuriating being."
After a tense period of waiting, Chang appeared on deck. Gorkon observed as Not-the-Captain Kirk's face transformed into an expression of joy and welcome. "Brother!" she cried happily.
Chang, to his peers' surprise and discomfort, responded in kind. "My brother," he smiled. "I am heartened to see you well." Then his eyes flitted back to his master, and he grew more subdued. "Despite the current circumstances," he added apologetically.
Kirk shrugged. "Dude, check this out," she said, lifting up her shirt (to the apparent horror and chagrin of the men surrounding her) to reveal a long, pale scar. "Bones tried to remove it but I told him to keep his mitts off. Is that cool or what?" she enthused.
Chang was visibly moved. "I, too, bear your marks with honor," he declared, shifting his collar aside to show the curving imprint of her lirpa.
Gorkon found himself utterly unsettled by the flow of events. On the one hand - humans. Horrid fragile creatures with no propriety or structure. On the other - a fierce Terran woman showing off her battle scars with all the pride of a consummate warrior. He recalled the video of the fight, his grudging admiration of her courage. Was Chang's behavior really reprehensible, in light of these observations? Were the humans really so ripe for subjugation? The Chancellor pondered, then came to a decision. "I hereby order your presence aboard my ship for deliberations," he told the woman.
This statement, intended to be a show of respect and invitation, elicited instead the first signs of spirit from the rest of the Enterprise's crew. The spindly Vulcan emitted a low, rumbling growl, and Captain Pike moved to the forefront of the group. "No," said the Captain.
"No?" Gorkon asked warningly.
"That's what I said," Pike confirmed. "There is no way in hell Jim is getting aboard another Klingon ship on my watch. Ever." And he smiled a tight-lipped smile, one that deliberately revealed a long row of gleaming teeth.
In the ensuing silence, Chang spoke. "She would not be harmed," he offered. "The Chancellor merely wishes to speak face-to-face. In addition, I would protect my brother with my life."
"With all due respect, my answer is final," Pike returned.
"Your insult spells your doom!" Gorkon roared.
"Excuse me very much," piped an indignant female voice from behind the sudden wall of Federation bodies, "but when exactly did any of you ask my opinion?"
"Be silent, Jim," said the Vulcan.
"The fuck I will!" came the voice. "You may be three times stronger than me but I will knock you on your skinny green ass!"
"I will contact the excitable doctor. Perhaps he can make you see reason, or if he cannot, perhaps he can sedate you until your insanity has passed."
"Are you seriously trying to sic Bones on me?!" Her golden, disheveled head forced its way through the wall of male bodies. "Beam me up, Gorkon! Don't listen to these shit-heads, I'll totally come to your party!" Both Captain Pike and the irritable Vulcan burst out in a jumble of argumentative words, reaching to restrain her. "I heard him say doom!" she insisted, struggling. "Why do you all want doom?"
"Alas," drawled a strangely accented boy from the periphery. "I cannot lower ow-er shields. Vat ever shall I do."
"I'll get you, Chekov," Jim threatened. "And your pretty little continuum models too!"
Gorkon turned to Chang, too bewildered to maintain his sense of outrage. "Is this customary human behavior?" he asked his subordinate.
"It is the way of my brother," Chang stated apologetically. "She possesses much courage but little discipline. It is not so surprising, if you observe the actions of her supposed superiors." Both Klingons glanced back at the screen, where the pacifist Vulcan was currently lifting a kicking bundle of female flesh above the crowd in an attempt to carry her off the bridge. "I believe they wish to protect her, in the way that true warriors protect those among them who are helpless… but…"
"But she is not helpless," Gorkon supplied bemusedly. "She is herself a warrior."
"Yes," sighed Chang. "Their culture is very confusing."
"I'm gonna!" Dr. Kirk persisted as the Vulcan dragged her towards the turbolift. "Your puny shackles won't hold me!" At that, the tall creature paused, tucking her easily under one lithe arm thoughtfully and glancing back at Pike.
"Captain, upon reflection, I have determined that the best course of action may be to allow Dr. Kirk to attend the Klingon deliberations. If we attempt to suppress her, she will undoubtedly find some way to thwart us."
Pike clenched his fists and lowered his head, breathing deeply. "If anyone should be going, it should be me," he ground out.
"You may come aboard with the Lady Jim if that is your request," Gorkon interjected tiredly.
"And I," insisted the Vulcan.
"Yes, yes. Three Federation idiots at a Klingon war panel. Why not," sighed the Chancellor, leveling Chang with the kind of glare that usually meant imminent dismemberment. Chang straightened. "We welcome your words," he stated.
"Thanks, bro!" chirped Jim, all former anger forgotten.
"Locking een signal," the Russian boy muttered.
"Permission to speak freely?" Dr. Kirk requested. Gorkon had given up trying to interpret her mercurial personality shifts about two hours into the conference, deciding that she was not so much an organic being as a force of nature. A conclusion he suspected her comrades had come to long ago. "Speak your mind," he told her.
"Seeing as I've kind of been living with Romulan radicals for the last century, I think I'm in a unique position to offer you some insights into their behavior. Not that I expect you to take it all on blind faith, but I'm pretty sure you'll have the opportunity to test my theories against your own experiences, yeah?" She leaned back, stretching her neck tiredly.
"Very well," Gorkon agreed.
"It's no secret to me that these guys think of every other species in the galaxy as chattel. I never knew much about Orions in my time, but at least those dudes are… business like, you know? The Romulan faction you're dealing with, however - it's all personal to them. They want to subjugate everyone. That means you, too. They get particularly lathered up over the idea of some kind of literati slave-class, which is where I'm guessing the Vulcans come in." She turned apologetic eyes to Commander Spock, who gave her a bland look. "I know there's some kind of bad blood there. You guys look practically the same, but they hate you and you despise them, I don't really know… except they crave the Science Academy stuff. They lust after it. I'm talking visions of red-matter factories dancing through their heads... and so forth."
"This observation does not surprise me," Spock said mildly. Dr. Kirk, on the other hand, grimaced. She patted the Vulcan's arm with her child-like hand before turning her attention back to the Klingons.
"You think you have an alliance," she summarized. "You don't. What you have is a parasite - I know nothing of the particulars, but I'm willing to bet good money you've already traded advanced battle-cruiser tech for what you think is top of the line cloaking schematics. You're probably sharing mining outpost materials with them too. They tell you it's the mighty against the weak - what they don't tell you is that eventually, you will become the weak. They'll suck your blood for as long as they can, then they'll launch a lightning strike against the top five or ten strongholds you have in the area and either drive you out or enslave every Klingon citizen they can get their hands on."
The Chancellor folded his hands thoughtfully. "Your words have a seductive ring. But what proof do you offer of your sincerity? The Praetor could levy the same accusations against the Federation; indeed, with more evidence."
She sighed. "Look, they tried this shit with us during the Terran civil wars! Lucky for humanity, we're a suspicious lot. What we lack in logic and brute strength, we make up in sheer bloody-mindedness. So the first mining colony they massacred was the last one. They didn't expect a hundred split-up factions to band together and burn their asses out of Federation space, which is the only reason Earth isn't a Romulan territory and humans aren't a new household appliance."
"Silver-tongued conjecture. The Klingon Empire cannot speak to Romulus' actions during a war in which we were not involved."
"Fine!" Jim huffed. "You want proof? All you have to do is open your eyes. Put an APB out on the black-market planets. Look for missing colonists, I bet you'll find a healthy trade in young Klingon farm labor. Check the areas you've secretly ceded to Romulan operation and see if they're not building spacecraft there with interesting new tech aboard. They're not your friends, Gorkon." She stood, pacing to the far wall. "I'm not saying all Romulans are evil Machiavellian masterminds. I'm saying these particular Romulans you're dealing with… are." She clenched a fist, rapped it gently against the wall. "I have every reason to hate both of your races, you know. Your ancestors were the ones that destroyed my life's work and handed me over to the bastards who tortured me for years. If there were a way to organize this so the two of your species killed each other and left Earth and Vulcan alone, I'd go with that option. Unfortunately you've involved us, so here I am."
Gorkon bristled. "The Star Empire reached out to Klingon mercenaries when the ship you speak of invaded their territory with hostile intent. Your accusations are ludicrous."
She snorted. "Sure they did. And the NX-tech onboard the Enterprise was just a bonus acquisition for both of you. Don't feed me the company line, Chancellor, I was there. I know exactly what went down."
Gorkon spread his hands. "What would you have me do, Lady? Abandon my allies and enter an honor-less agreement with the Federation? Do you even have the authority to speak for the Federation? I hear and comprehend your concerns, but detect no obvious solution."
"I see your point," the woman conceded. "And no, I don't speak for the Feds, although Pike here's high-enough up that he could probably draw up a preliminary treaty. What I will say, is that one day soon you're going to get a wake-up call. On that day you'll understand that the words I've spoken are true. I pray that on that day, we still have the option to come together. What I propose, Chancellor, is this - do not burn your bridges with humanity until you are certain you will not need them. Open your minds, your eyes, and your ears."
The elder Klingon closed his eyes, pondering. He heard his General's gravely voice. "And if, as you say, we discover our allies have been false? What will you offer? Why would we come to you?"
"Pike?" Jim prompted.
"I will need to bring the contents of this talk before my superiors, but I can say this. The Federation is not interested in subjugation. Our stated purpose is unity. Adding the Klingon Empire into our alliance would be considered a major coup," the Captain said carefully.
"I'll put my tech translations on the table," Dr. Kirk offered, although Pike and Spock hissed. "Oh, grow up. Words are nice, hard currency is nicer. And I'm almost certain the Praetor hasn't been giving you the real goods. When you've discovered the truth, come see me, and I'll show you how real allies take care of each other."
"We are not allies now," Gorkon observed. "I could simply disable your ship and take its technology for my own." Beside him, General Chang stiffened. If the man had had a sword, his hand would be upon it.
Jim grinned up at them fearlessly. "And dirty your venerable hands? Besides, I'd like to see you break my algorithms before the self-destruct worm kicked in."
Chancellor Gorkon rose, and his cabinet rose beside him. "I thank you for your attendance and the generosity of your counsel. Please return to your ship while we conclude."
The two humans and the Vulcan rose as one, backing away respectfully towards the door. Dr. Kirk, force of nature, waved at Chang as she left. And Chang, the one-eyed idiot, waved back.
