Well, this update came sooner than I thought it would. o-o

I just got done with a contest I had with a few friends where we see who could read the most novels (at least 150 pages or longer) in 24 hours. I almost made it to book 6…but failed. v-v It was a quite…interesting contest, to say the least. xD I don't know what it is about me and contests lol. I don't even really have a very competitive personality. xP

I feel like that contest messed with my mind, and I haven't slept in over 24 hours, and my thoughts are all jumbled and nonsensical, so what better time than now to work on a humor fic? :D

Thus, I have a warning: This chapter is very, very weird. It's up to you whether it's a good weird or a bad weird. The only thing that I am sure of is that I'm not completely sane as I wrote this, and that it's weird. As I believe I've already said. I think I lost my mind while writing this, actually. I might still be looking for pieces of it. My mind, I mean. .o.

I wrote this all in one go, pretty much. I'll be kind and stop my rambling lol. In any case, I hope you enjoy! :D

CHAPTER NAME: The Muffin Man and Other Awkward Moments Pt. 3

DAY 4

Approx. 10:30 pm

To Matsuda, watching L attempt to function without sugar was as amusing as—and probably similar to—watching Bugs Bunny on crack. Not that he had ever seen Bugs Bunny on crack, of course, but if he had to create a mental image of what such a thing might look like, it would probably look a lot like this.

L stared at his reflection in the glass of the window, much like a runway model might gaze at themselves in a mirror before going on stage—obsessively reassuring their paranoid minds that every aspect of their appearance was perfect. L tugged on his earlobes, staring at them intently. He furrowed his eyebrows and called, "Heyyy, Yagami-san. Come here for a second."

Cautiously, Soichiro stood up from his spot on the floor in the center of the room, where Mogi knelt, attempting to start a campfire out of unused printer paper. Many of the others were also huddled in that vicinity, placing all of their hope in Mogi and his (rather lacking) fire-starting skills. Light and Aiber were still asleep in each other's arms, leaning against the wall. Battery-run lanterns (of which Watari had been able to produce out of seemingly nowhere) were the only thing keeping the room from plunging into darkness.

Soichiro approached L slowly, as if he were a dangerous wild animal. They had all witnessed their boss doing very strange things over the past few hours—including things that many of them wished to forget—and none of the members of the task force had any great desire to be the guinea pig to test out L's reaction to a social situation.

None of them.

Soichiro stopped a comfortable six feet from the detective. "What is it, Ryuzaki?"

L turned to him with a dissatisfied expression. "Come closer."

Pushing down the panic that was quickly rising in his chest, Soichiro forced himself to make a polite smile and took another small step forward. L cocked his head sideways and frowned.

"Yagami-san, you are treating me as if I am rabid. I assure you that I do not have rabies. I was vaccinated a few months ago, after your son bit me. Do you not remember?"

"No, I remember quite…erm…quite…" Soichiro searched for the right word to describe that horribly unpleasant experience, but ended up deciding to just settle on, "...vividly. I remember it quite vividly."

L nodded. "In that case, you shouldn't have any qualms about coming closer." The detective grabbed Soichiro by the arm and pulled him over to the window. The older man resisted very little.

"…" Soichiro waited for L to say something.

"…"

"What do you need, Ryuzaki?" asked Soichiro finally, after it became evident that L was spacing out. He had been doing a lot of that in the past few hours.

"Oh. Yes. I was just wondering…" he pulled at his earlobes once more, "do you think I should get my ears pierced, Yagami-san? Personally, I think it would make me look quite pretty."

"…Is that the look you're aiming for, Ryuzaki?" Soichiro asked, examining the man up and down skeptically. "Pretty?"

"Hmm…" L bit his thumb and averted his gaze to the ceiling, considering this. "You know, I'm not really sure. Do you think I should go for the 'pretty' look?"

Soichiro swore that that panda's eyes had the ability to stare into a person's very soul, and tonight they were especially frightening. They had a rather delusional, animalistic tint to them.

Someone really needs to get this man some sugar, Soichiro thought. He's looking at me almost like he thinks that I'm a cupcake or something. Soichiro shivered, and not just from the cold.

Matsuda could no longer contain himself. He needed a camera. It didn't matter to him if it was a camera of the recording variety, an antique camera that only took photos in black and white, or even just a crappy camera from a phone. It didn't really matter—he just needed to record this moment so that he could look back at it for years to come.

Assuming Kira let him live that long, of course.

Wait…Kira! That's it!

Matsuda's enthusiasm shone brightly on his face despite his attempts to appear indifferent. He quietly scampered over to the unintentional yaoi-fest that was Light and Aiber.

Light has an iTouch! Those things can record stuff!

Mogi had not yet given up on taking a stab at making a fire. Under his breath, Matsuda could hear him singing the song "Start a Fire", as if the words would somehow inspire sparks to leap forth and provide them with the heat that they so desperately needed.

Mogi was not a good singer.

A few of the others regarded Matsuda with general disinterest. The below-freezing temperatures were making everyone care about things in a comparably lesser amount than they normally would.

…Which is probably why no one said anything when they witnessed Matsuda reaching his hand carefully into the sleeping prodigy's pant pocket to more or less steal Light's appliance. The boy's father would have most likely stopped Matsuda from doing this, but Soichrio was, at the time, preoccupied with telling Ryuzaki about how beautiful he looks.

Anxious fingers made contact with the cold, metal-like plastic of the iTouch.

Haha, gotcha.

Gripping the sides of the object in between his index finger and his thumb as if imitating L's mannerisms, Matsuda gradually retracted his hand.

Light stirred.

"Ryuzaki?" Light guessed groggily, his voice thick with sleep. His eyes remained closed, squeezed shut slightly as if protesting the notion of waking up. Evidently, he was still a bit more than half-asleep. Matsuda froze, his entire body tensing. "Stop feeling me up and just go to sleep already." Light mumbled something else that Matsuda couldn't quite make out, as the teen had repositioned himself in such a way that his head nestled further into Aiber's chest. It was only a few more moments before the genius began snoring softly once more.

Matsuda exhaled and—more cautiously—resumed what he had been doing. After what seemed like ages—though was, in reality, just a couple of minutes—Matsuda had managed to capture Light's iTouch. It would be his prisoner for an indefinite length of time, he realized with a smirk.

Mission success! I am going to have so much fun with this!

DAY 4

Approx. 11:00 pm

With a slight shiver, Matsuda walked over to L and cheerfully said, "Hey, Ryuzaki!"

L whirled around from his position at the window. He had been attempting to get all of the mats out of his hair by ripping them apart with his fingers, which ended up making it look even messier than it had been previously. "Oh, hi Ma—"

"Say cheese~!" Matsuda exclaimed, not even giving the man a chance for a moment's reaction time. The camera on the iTouch flashed, capturing the image immediately.

"But I don't want cheese," L protested, "I want cake. Unless it's cheesecake. Cheesecake is good."

"Oh, I see," Matsuda said. He walked away from the detective and switched on the iTouch to the Record setting, doing his best to capture in full-scale the insanity going on all around him. To an onlooker, it would probably look like half of the men in the room were gay.

Matsuda's eyes widened as realization struck him like a freight train. Lots of girls love yaoi! I could make this video look like a yaoi video and sell it to yaoi-lovers and get rich quick!

The plan would be worthy of being classified as genius among the lesser intelligent members of society, such as he who had come up with it. He was very proud of himself.

Approaching Ryuzaki once again (confidence levels raised considerably), Matsuda—having latched the iTouch onto his belt like a hidden camera—asked him, "Ryuzaki, what is your sexual orientation?"

"Why does Matsuda-san wish to know?" L asked curiously, turning around. His thumb hung out of his mouth as he stared at the police officer thoughtfully.

"Because if you are gay, I'll make a deal with you!" Matsuda improvised.

"A deal? Do elaborate."

"I'll pierce your ears for you! I heard you talking about it with the chief earlier."

L's face turned ever so slightly pink. "Y-you also think that earrings would make me look pretty?"

Matsuda nodded eagerly, astounded at the progress he was making with the normally apathetic detective. "Not only that, but I'll even brush your hair for you." He threw L the brightest smile he could possibly manage (which, coming from Matsuda, was considerably vibrant).

L returned attempted to return the gesture with a rather silly-looking smile. It was not nearly as bright as Matsuda's, but it wasn't as if L had control over all of the world's police agencies due to his dazzling smile.

"I will not disclose my sexual affiliation with you, Matsuda, but I would like to potentially consider the deal that you have yet to propose," L informed, still wearing a lopsided grin. "That is, if you are still willing to offer it without knowledge of the aforementioned personal info, of course."

"I don't mind not knowing," Matsuda confirmed. "Would you be interested in doing exactly as I say for a little while?"

"Nope," L answered without hesitation. "However, I shall do it so long as you keep your end of the bargain and pierce my ears and make me look all prettyful. Oh, and delete everything you just recorded of me on Light-kun's iTouch, which is attached to your belt. We certainly wouldn't want videos of me going out to the public."

"O-oh, of course!" Matsuda gave a nervous laugh at being discovered. He thanked his lucky meatballs (Matsuda found stars to be unlucky, so he preferred to go with an alternative) that the great detective was not exactly in his right mind at the moment. He quickly fumbled with the device to delete the recording. He did not mind all that much—there would be more to come soon.

"What is it that you want me to do?"


DAY 4

MEANWHILE…

When Misa Amane slowly blinked open her eyes to face the darkness, she was instantly confused.

What had happened to the lights? Why was the room so bitterly cold that it bit her exposed skin like vengeful water nymphs? She was still inside, wasn't she?

When Misa rose to her feet, a powerful wave of nausea strongly suggested to her that she reconsider her actions.

Reassuming her earlier stance on the ground, Misa tenderly pressed her fingers against a newly-discovered, throbbing bump on the back of her head. She winced in pain when her hand brushed over it.

Where on earth did that come from?

Misa didn't know.

Where was she? What had she been doing? How had she ended up on the floor? Without even thinking, she shook her head as she tried to lift the thick smog that currently was residing within her brain, denying her thoughts any easy access to the smooth road of clear thinking. She instantly regretted it as the ache in her skull intensified tenfold.

What was going on? Maybe Rem knew. But where was Rem?

The last thing she could remember was that she had eaten a pickle for lunch that day. She tried to remember the events that had followed, but that was as far as her memory stretched.

Why can't I remember…?

Misa felt like there was something important she was supposed to be doing, but she couldn't quite remember what it was. The thought of superheroes vaguely crossed her mind, but she failed to make any connections with it and the present situation.

Frowning, she decided to first let the nausea pass before trying to do anything else. She sighed.

I wonder what my Light is doing…

DAY 4

Approx. 11:40 pm

Light and Aiber were blissfully unaware of the things that were being done to them while they slept.

Ryuzaki was actually rather enjoying this little task of Matsuda's. It was quite…interesting. His task was simple, really. Matsuda had informed him that his voice sounded like silk, and that that was just the thing that girls would love to listen to narrating a boy-on-boy video.

L's sugar-deprived mind registered this as a compliment, and he had quite recently decided that he quite liked compliments.

He did his best to keep his hand steady as he held the iTouch between his two fingers, recording Light and Aiber sleeping against each other as if lovers.

L read off the improvised script that Matsuda had handwritten for him. "…And so, after hot, unadulterated sex, the two lovers fell asleep, holding each other and shivering in delight."

L had to admit, Matsuda sure was making him say some pretty weird things.

But no matter. Now that he was finished narrating his employee's strange video, Matsuda had to hold up his end of the deal and pierce L's ears.

Now that all was said and done, Matsuda wasn't quite sure how he was going to be able to pierce L's ears in the first place. He looked around for Watari, who had, disturbingly, seemed to vanish into thin air.

Well, perhaps that was too drastic an accusation. Regardless of how you put it, the fact remained that the old man was no longer in plain sight. Matsuda wasn't exactly sure what to make of that fact, but at the moment he had bigger things to deal with.

Things that he might, in the near future, seriously regret doing.

But, at the moment, he couldn't let himself worry about that. After all, he might not live long enough to seriously regret his actions, if he didn't perform said actions within the next 5 or 6 minutes.

L wanted his ears pierced, and he wanted them pierced now. And if he didn't get what he wanted in his current sugar-deprived state, who knew what he might do? Deciding to have everyone eat him first (if worse came to worst in this situation), for starters.

Matsuda felt angry at himself for not thinking the entire thing through prior to making such a promise to the unhinged detective.

For one thing, he had no idea where he was going to be able to even obtain the tools necessary to pierce someone's ears. He would have to cobble together what few resources he had in order to make this work.

Mogi was still attempting to light a fire, but he was having very limited success so far. Soichiro and Aizawa sat side by side, their shoulders touching. The cold in the room was almost visible.

Matsuda spotted something that might work to pierce one's ears. He felt a mixture of both intense nervousness and excitement rise within him.

"Aizawa, is that a safety pin that I see attached to your shirt?"

"Um…yeah. Why?"

"May I use it?"

"Sure…?"

Evidently, no one had been paying much attention to what he and Ryuzaki had been doing, or what they were planning to do.

Matsuda wiped off the sharp end of the safety pin and, with his elbow, held L firmly against the wall while he leaned closer to the detective's ears and carefully positioned the sharp metal.

DAY 5

Approx. 12:00 am

Misa's head still hurt, but at least the nausea had gone away. Shivering, she slowly made her way down the dark hallway, attempting to find her way to the observation room. If she could find the observation room, she would be safe.

If she could only find it…


Light had awoken to the sound of L screaming. The scene before him was insane, to say the least.

Matsuda was hanging off of L's back and appeared to be attacking him with a safety pin. L looked like he was trying to get Matsuda off of him and away from his small weapon, panic oddly visible in his eyes. Mogi was trying to start a frickin' fire.

And what were everyone else doing? Absolutely nothing! Watching the events unfold with general disinterest!

Light was disturbed.

"Where the hell is Watari?" Light shouted, desperate for assistance from someone who was sure to act logically around at least 98% of the time.

All activity seemed to stop as everyone tried to think of the answer.

"Um?"

In a brief moment of sanity, L felt stupid for not noticing the old man's absence.

"Oh," Matsuda answered nervously, "I don't really know. I noticed that he was no longer here a little while ago." He laughed cheerlessly and scratched the back of his neck.

The room was filled with an uneasy silence.

…A silence that was quickly broken by Aizawa shouting, "HOLY SHIT!"

"…?" Light looked in the direction of which the man was facing.

He saw the source of the afro man's distress.

Once everyone saw Light's turtle inside the observation room (when it should have been safely locked away in a cage on an entirely different story of the building), they, too, became terrified.

"OMG WHAT IF THE TURTLE IS A WARLOCK? !" someone shouted fearfully.

"WHAT IF WATARI IS A WARLOCK? !" cried another.

"NO!" amended Matsuda. "WHAT IF THE TURTLE IS WATARI? !" His eyes were wide.

Voices began to rise with greater frequency as the previously miserable atmosphere gave way to one of trepidation.

Light gaped at everyone. His plan for the future had been ruined! Not his plans to, you know, take over the world and become god, but his plans to see which person would be afraid of his flippin' turtle.

After all, it would be kinda hard to do that now that everyone in the entire room would most likely leave with a psychological phobia of turtles and warlocks and wait why the hell does Ryuzaki have his ears pierced? !

Light felt slightly dazed.

Everyone was flipping out and running away from the slow-moving turtle. Light stood there, helpless to stop the madness.

A familiar voice sounded out as Watari emerged, walking to the middle of the room. No one was sure where he came from.

"I'm not a turtle, don't worry. I'm right here," he assured, pausing for a few moments before adding more quietly, "I've been right here all along…"

Awkwardness filled the room.

It was at that moment that Misa Amane burst into the room effortlessly.

The…the door…hadn't…been locked after all? !

"Light!" she cried. "I'm so glad I found you!"

Well…that was a bit longer than I thought it would be…

Lol…the sun is coming up again…which means I haven't slept in two days now…xD I'm all loopyish. The scary thing is that I don't even really remember writing most of that, or even what I wrote…XD I've been like, half asleep this entire time. Lol...that's my excuse for any "wtfness" that this chapter might contain.

Reviews will make me eat my socks! :D

I think that's a good thing. o-o

…o-O

I don't think I know what I'm talking about anymore. I think I'll just end this by saying please review. :3 XD

P.S: Lately I've been rather obsessed/addicted to the LxMatsuda pairing (a bit one-sided on Matsuda's side), and pretty much anything and everything associated with it. I hope that didn't affect this chapter too much. –w- I plan on writing some kind of oneshot featuring this pairing, but I am rather fail when it comes to coming up with any kind of story ideas for romance. If anyone has any suggestions for this (not necessarily humor), I'd love to hear them! :D

~Ratt Kazamata

7/23/2011