A/N: Hey guys. First off, I want to thank everyone for their support – I've gotten so many flattering reviews and messages for the last few chapters. I will be updating more regularly from now on, just so you know. Secondly, this chapter is very heavily dependent on the song "Being Alive" from Company, so if you've never heard it, you should go listen to it. Third, using lyrics in fiction is always awkward, and this site fucked up my formatting, so I apologize. Anyway, thanks for everything, and I hope you enjoy!
"Okay guys, let's get started." The students started finding their seats as Schuester spoke, slowly quieting down. They were so young – had Kurt ever really been that young?
"Today I'm happy to announce that we have a very special guest, Mr. Kurt Hummel. Kurt is a graduate of McKinley, class of 2012, and of New York University, class of 2016. He's performed in two Broadway shows, three national tours, and five off-Broadway productions, and he was one of the original six members of New Directions when I first took over the club. Please give him your full attention."
Kurt stepped forward, giving a grin and a facetious curtsy when the class applauded for him. "Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel." It felt so absolutely natural, standing in front of these kids, trying to identify them with the New Directions he remembered. There was an obvious Rachel Berry, a little blonde sitting front and center who looked as though it was physically painful for her to keep her hand down; there was a Puck, a boy with badass written all over his face who had a guitar case by his chair, which was surrounded by three girls.
He spoke to them about the business of theatre, about the importance of getting your Equity card as quickly as possible and how to find a decent agent. He told them a little bit about each of the shows he'd been in, about doing summer stock while he was in college and how much you should avoid doing outdoor shows if at all possible. He told them about living in New York and being prepared to pay a ridiculous amount for rent.
When he said he'd like to sing a few songs for them, the blonde Rachel in the front row had her hand in the air before the words were all the way out of his mouth. "Mr. Kurt?" she asked.
"Yeah, uh – "
"Taylor." She smiled radiantly at him. "Mr. Schuester told us about you being in Company, and we wondered if you'd sing 'Being Alive' for us. We learned the chorus part at the beginning and we'll say the lines during the first verse…"
Kurt glanced over at Schuester, who nodded with a guilty grin – clearly he'd been in on this plan. "Being Alive," the closing number of Company and Kurt's character's moment of epiphany, was easily one of the most remarkable songs he'd ever had the privilege of performing onstage, and being asked to sing it was thrilling. He turned back to the class with a smile.
"I'd love to," he said sincerely. "Are you guys ready?" A few of them reached into their backpacks for sheet music while their classmates nodded. He looked at Brad, sitting patiently at the piano, and smiled. The man looked just the same. Brad struck a starting pitch for them – an A-flat, if Kurt remembered correctly – and the kids started.
The first section of the song consisted of Bobby's friends singing variations of the character's name in with obnoxious persistence. "Bobby, Bobby, Bobby Baby Bobby Bubi," they chanted quickly. They sounded surprisingly good – it was obvious that Will Schuester had improved as a choir director since Kurt's days in New Directions.
Kurt took a breath, feeling himself fall into the familiar role. "Stop! What do you get?" The piano picked up a plaintive melody, playing a two-bar vamp before he started singing.
"Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
To ruin your sleep – "
"That's true, but there's more than that," murmured a tall boy with dyed black hair.
The little blonde up front spoke next. "Is that all you think there is to it?"
"You've got so many reasons for not being with someone, but Robert, you haven't got one good reason for being alone." The young Puck, as Kurt christened him, was staring at him intently.
"You're onto something, Bobby, you're onto something," a boy in a letterman jacket said.
"Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
To put you through hell – "
He couldn't keep up with the voices anymore, settling just to hear the lines surrounding him, enveloping him.
"You see what you look for, you know?"
"You're not a kid anymore, Robert. I don't think you'll ever be a kid anymore, kiddo."
"Hey, buddy, don't be afraid that it won't be perfect. The only thing to be afraid of, really, is that it won't be."
"Don't stop now – keep going!"
As he sang, Kurt found his mind wandering. He's always scorned the actors that compulsively used their own experiences while they acted – acting was not therapy, and using unresolved issues as an emotional stimulus often led to breakdown. They'd talked about that in class. But it didn't mean he could keep Blaine's face out of his mind – Blaine's eyes as they rammed into him, hurt and tired and hungry and angry and loving.
"Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who like it or not
Will want you to share
A little – a lot."
Blaine wanted him to share a lot, he knew. Too much. More than he could.
"And what does all that mean?"
"Robert, how do you know so much about it when you've never been there?"
A hand found its way onto Kurt's shoulder, and he spun around, not caring about breaking character. Finn was standing there, squeezing his shoulder lightly. "It's much better living it than looking at it, Robert," he said gently.
And suddenly Will Schuester was at his side, too. "Add 'em up, Bobby, add 'em up."
It took all Kurt's energy to force himself to concentrate enough to make the next entrance on time.
"Someone to crowd you with love
Someone to force you to care
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there
As frightened as you
To help us survive being alive."
"Blow out the candles, Robert, and make a wish," said Rachel – when had she gotten there? – as she slipped her hand in his and stared at him with her dark, wide eyes. "Want something. Want something." She stepped away from him, pulling him to turn and look at the door.
Blaine was standing there, looking surprised and vulnerable. Kurt just stared back at him, their eyes locked in a silent struggle. He had missed his entrance a long time ago, he knew, but Brad was vamping the measure patiently. Finally he forced himself to look away, his voice coming in tentatively as he stared at the floor.
"Somebody hold me too close
Somebody hurt me too deep
Somebody sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware of being alive."
Blaine was moving slowly as Kurt sang, standing closer to the students so he had a better view of the performance. Kurt sang the next verse, not daring to look at Blaine. Blaine was there, listening to him sing.
Blaine was there. Blaine had always been there, since the day they met. It was always Blaine who made the first step, Blaine who had helped through his struggles, Blaine who transferred to McKinley to be with him, Blaine who had given him the courage to pursue his dream and move to New York, Blaine who had moved with him. It was Blaine all along.
"Make me confused
Mock me with praise
Let me be used
Vary my days –
But alone is alone, not alive."
Then they were looking at each other and there were tears in Blaine's eyes and there were tears in Kurt's and he could barely sing and he could barely breathe because everything was Blaine, closing in around him in such absolute perfection that Kurt couldn't help it, he wanted to drown in Blaine and stay in that glorious, intoxicating presence forever. As the piano crescendoed, he took a breath, the words tripping from his tongue effortlessly, words straight to Blaine, only to him.
"Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody let me come through
I'll always be there as frightened as you
To help us survive being alive
Being alive…"
Blaine was biting his lip so hard that Kurt was worried it would bleed at any second and he wanted to run to him, to replace those teeth with his lips so Blaine wouldn't hurt himself, so they could be together as they always should have been. But he stayed instead, his voice soaring through the last held high note until Kurt and the piano stopped and the world was silent. It was the two of them, together, and Kurt prayed that the little tearful smile that had appeared on Blaine's lips was an indication that he understood.
Then there was applause, and Kurt remembered that there were other people in the room, other people in the universe besides him and Blaine. He took a quick bow as Will told the kids that they were dismissed and that he would see them tomorrow.
Then they were alone.
