1Boring Ass Stories
Paul: Gimme your hotdog.
Jacob: I think I can force it down. I won't enjoy it at all, though.
Paul: That's what she said. And gimme it.
Embry: Hey, vampire girl!
Bella's inner monologue: Very clever. Never heard that one before. I am now going to monologue about how I feel sorry for everyone in the bon fire circle. Widow!Sue is part of La Push's secret society, Leah has to look at Sam and Emily making sexy google faces at each other, Seth has grown and is doomed to wolfiness. Kim is plain as balls. But wait... her skin is russet velvet, her lips a perfect double curve, her teeth so white, her eyelashes so long...*clears throat* Stephenie, really, the shippiness in this book is craptastic. Am I going to come on to Kim now?
Stephenie: Again, I fail to see what you're talking about, Bella. And unless you want me to murder another bagel, I suggest you go right along with the manuscript.
Jacob: *ignoring Bella's lusty creepy stare at Kim* Storytime!
Bella: ?
Jacob: I know, I know. It has barely anything to do with the plot and is boring as you and Edward staring at each other with buttery goop eyes.
Billie: Kaheleha is the spirit warrior. *in stereotypical Native American voice* He caught many fish. Dogs and bats, many dogs and bats.
browniechadowes: Aha! Thought we'd get to bats sometime in the series.
Billie: Dogs and bats won. Last great Spirit Chief, Taha Aki.
Bella: More like Terribly Yucky. This story's bo-ring.
Stephenie: *tazes Bella*
Billie: Utlapa was exiled like Survivor, but opened a can of whoop-ass on Taha Aki. Taha Aki pulled a Voldemort and left his body. Then he possessed a wolf. Voila, werewolf was born.
Jacob: Ya, really doesn't have anything to further the story with.
Billie: I am now going to talk about the third wife. Disclaimer: Do not be presumptuous enough to compare yourself to the third wife, even if an army of evil baby vampires are about to chomp down on you.
Bella: *staring at fire not paying attention* Pretty fire. Wonder how it got so big...
Billie: Taha Aki became an old man. His oldest wolf-son, Taha Wi, went to find the bastards who stole some tribal women.
Jacob: *corner of mouth twitching with humor* Hehe, he said Wee.
Billie: More women were stolen. Yaha Uta, Taka Aki's oldest son of his third wife, came back. She described white blood drinking people.
Bella: Vampires? Where? *looks around with eyes of luuuurve*
Jacob: *rolls eyes*
Billie: Yaha Uta ripped apart the vamp and set him on fire. Taha Aki took a bag with vampire bits in it and tied it around his neck.
Billie: *pulls out bag*
Bella's inner monologue: Urrggghh. Alright, and I thought Edward and Jacob could be creepy...
Billie: Cold woman goes Chuck Norris on the Quileute's asses. The third wife, who shall remain nameless as she is a woman, grabbed a knife and killed herself. Cold Woman was surprised.
Cold Woman: *pops into scene* Well, no shit. It was pretty damn stupid of her. She probably could have just cut her arm or something...
Bella: Cut your arm, you say? Hmmm, storing that for later.
Billie: Many years, no more Cold Ones. Then the treaty was made with Ephraim Black and the yellow-eyed ones. Now we can carry the burden of their fathers before them.
Quil: Burden? It's cool.
Leah: *le sob*
Jacob: C'mon, Bells. We're here.
Bella's inner monologue: How did I get in Jacob's car? Oh no, should have listened to that after school special. I know I shouldn't have drank that cool-aid. It tasted a little funky.
Jacob: You went all comatose from those boring ass stories that had nothing to do with the plot whatsoever.
Bella: , thanks for inviting me tonight.
Jacob: Sleep tight. I'll be watching you tonight. Mmmmm, yes, my little chew toy.
Bella's inner monologue: You don't have to. Does everyone watch me sleep? I seriously need to stop doing that thing with the tomato soup if people are looking in...
Edward: Let's get you home and in bed.
Bella's room:
Bella: Is Jacob out there? It's cold and wet.
Edward: You really should stop changing your mind about the whole cold and wet thing.
Dream!Bella's inner monologue: Rosalie was trying to munch on a little bit of Billy Black like a homeless kid to a Whopper. I held a long, sharp blade, crusted in dried, blackened blood. AARRGGGHHH!
Bella: What were you reading?
Edward: *Stows away Mature Milf Magazine* Uhhh...Wuthering Heights?
The Next Morning:
WutheringHeights: The moment her regard ceased, I would have torn his heart out, and drank his blood!
Bella's inner monologue: Erm, I'm guessing that in no way pertains to Edward's feelings about Jacob at all. Hell, at least we're done with the shitty Romeo and Juliet analogies.
