Title: Hearts Aflame, Chapter 11
Summary: He didn't have a heart, but he loved her, and love always protects.
By mid-afternoon, Howl was more comfortable in his bird form than he'd ever been. In fact, he was almost more comfortable as a bird than he'd been as a human. In the back of his mind he knew that was a danger sign, as was the fact that many of his actions and instincts were becoming more bird-like. He refused to dwell on that though. If everything went according to plan, he'd have the transformed Prince Justin back to Strangia by the morning, and his work would be done.
Besides, the possible fate of being trapped as a bird for the rest of his life was nothing compared to the hell he was living right now. Howl was lonely. The empty hole in his chest didn't burn anymore, it ached. For a man who'd never been attached to any person, the unutterable pain of loneliness was more than he could bear. All day, he'd felt the pull from Sophie's ring, leading him back to Market Chipping. He tried to resist, to stay as far from her as possible, but he just couldn't do it. As the late evening sun faded into twilight, the tug became even more insistent, and he flew towards home.
Along the way, he had to avoid a few henchmen of Madam Suliman who were clearly patrolling for him. Something in his chest twinged, and he knew they had tried to find Sophie and Calcifer as well. He flew a little faster then, forcing the thought from his mind. Instead, he wondered vaguely why Sophie was so desperate to see him again, and allowed himself to hope that perhaps she missed him as much as he had missed her. After a full day of imaging her with the foreign prince, it was comforting to think that she might want his company.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice the reddish haze lighting up the night sky until he was almost home. A series of explosions yanked him forcibly back to reality, and he knew then why Sophie needed him—a warship was flying directly over town, bombing both the houses and shops alike.
His eyes sought out the hat shop, and his gut clenched when he saw Sophie standing outside, staring up at the sky. At that moment, the bay doors on one of the ships opened again, dropping another payload of bombs. He instinctively knew that one of them would land on the shop, destroying it and killing Sophie if he didn't stop it.
In that instant, his vision narrowed, blocking out everything but Sophie and the bomb. He dove for it, desperate to keep it from hitting the shop, not daring to look to see if Sophie was still there. He caught it several feet above the ground, but its momentum was powerful, and instead of stopping it, he was being pulled toward the earth with it. For a moment, he didn't think he was going to make it, but then slowly, almost infinitesimally, the bomb began to slow.
The force of the landing was still enough to stun him a little, and he took his time to rise from the debris. Before he'd completely shaken the ringing out of his ears, he heard Sophie call his name and then she running to him. He wrapped one arm around her to steady himself as much as her, and whispered an apology in her ear. "I'm sorry, Sophie. I should have gotten here sooner." It was true, he should have. He'd felt her calling for him all afternoon, but he'd thought leaving her alone was the right thing to do. If he'd ignored her for a moment longer… he shuddered at the thought and pulled her even closer to him.
Her response broke through his guilt. "You're alive, oh thank goodness!" He heard the catch in her voice, the sob she was holding back. For the first time all day, the ache in his chest blazed into flame—he'd spent the day imagining her with the prince, but maybe she really did care about him.
Before he could say anything more, a familiar prickling on the back of his neck told him they'd been found by Madam Suliman's henchmen. He was glad once again that he had both arms and wings, because he was able to keep Sophie wrapped safely in his arms while he flew them both into the house. Once they were inside, he cast a spell on the door to make sure the slugs were kept firmly on the other side of it.
Markl was on them in an instant, but Howl was more concerned with the very faint glow coming from the fireplace. The connection from Sophie's ring had been so strong that he hadn't noticed Calcifer was getting weaker. "Calcifer, you hang in there," he commanded his friend, using his magic to suck the poison out of the fire demon. Calcifer coughed up something with a strong magical imprint—a listening slug. So, Madam Suliman did try to worm her way into my castle, he realized, feeling even more uneasy.
He looked around, sensing there was something more at work in the room that he hadn't noticed yet. It didn't take long to find; the smoke surrounding the Witch of the Waste matched the same style of the listening slug and what Howl knew about his old teacher. "Tell me," he said, bending over her, "was that cigar a gift from Madam Suliman, by any chance?"
When she blew smoke in his face, he knew he had his answer. The witch he'd left in his castle barely 24 hours ago had not had the personality left for a subtle insult like that. Calcifer spoke from the grate, confirming his suspicions. "Howl, she fed me something gross, I feel sick…" Again, Howl felt guilty for letting his tie to Sophie overshadow the messages he'd been getting from Calcifer. He had felt a little off for most of the afternoon as well, but he hadn't thought to wonder why.
The Witch of the Waste spoke again, pulling his attention back to her. "Why, if it isn't Howl. I think you and I need to have a nice, long, heart to heart chat."
He felt his heart stutter a bit in Calcifer's grasp when she suggested that. She knew he didn't have a heart, the curse she'd sent along with Sophie told him that. Did she know where to find his heart? No, if she did, we wouldn't be having this conversation. She's taunting me, telling me she's still determined to find my heart and steal it.
"There's nothing I'd like more than that, but right now there's a war going on," he told her smoothly and held out his hand for the cigar.
He felt a moment of relief when she crushed it in his hand, even when that action singed his feathers and sent more smoke into the air. Her next words were so like her old self that all relief vanished. "How unlike you Howl, not running away again."
She gave him a knowing look, and Howl felt like the signed feathers symbolized a loss of the protection his bird form gave him. But she still doesn't know why I've changed, not really, he told himself. Thoughts of Sophie gave him courage, and he returned her gaze with as unaffected an air as possible. "Until later then," he said, sketching a bow before turning his back on her.
Again, Calcifer flickered when his heart skipped a beat, but this time it wasn't from fear, it was from tenderness. Sophie was standing behind him, looking at him with a mix of trust and apprehension. He walked over to her and put his hands on her shoulders, unable to resist touching her once more. "Stay here," he told her. "Calcifer will protect you from the henchmen. I'll stand guard out front."
There was more he wanted to say, but now was not the time; he certainly didn't want the Witch of the Waste eavesdropping on their conversation the first time he told her he loved her. There will be a time for that when the war is over, he told himself, quite forgetting his earlier intention to let her leave with Prince Justin.
Not sure how long he could keep himself from telling her something, or from simply taking her in his arms, he turned to leave. However, he only made it halfway to the door before her slender arms wrapped around his waist, holding him back. If he was to be honest with himself, it would have been easy for him to slip from her grasp, but being held by Sophie was the sweetest thing he'd ever felt, and he didn't want to let it go.
The next moment brought something even sweeter. "No wait Howl! Don't go out there, it's too dangerous!"
Ah, she does care! he thought exultantly. The place where his heart belonged no longer felt empty, even though Calcifer still held that tender organ. It burned, it filled, it burst. More than anything, he wanted to do what she asked… but he couldn't. He made his voice soft when he answered her, wanting her to understand why he had to go. "Another wave is coming, and Calcifer is too weak to stop the bombs."
In answer, she held onto him more desperately. Knowing he would have to leave her in just a moment, Howl allowed himself to stay in her embrace, storing up these few moments to comfort himself with later. "Let's go! Don't fight them, Howl."
For the first time, Howl felt that tension that comes with love, of balancing making your beloved happy with doing what is best for them. If there was a way he could do what she asked and still keep her safe, he'd do it in a heartbeat, but there wasn't. "Sorry," he told her, his voice more gentle yet. "I've had enough running away, Sophie, and now I've got something I want to protect." He hesitated for an instant, knowing this would give him away, but he couldn't stop himself from telling her. Her tear-filled eyes demanded an answer, and he had to give it to her. "It's you."
Her little squeak of surprise was added to his list of favorite Sophie sounds. At the same time, her arms loosened their grip on his waist, and he took the opportunity to fly out the door. He faintly heard her voice calling him back, but he steadfastly ignored it. Right now, keeping her safe was more important than making her happy.
AN: Thanks for sticking with me, guys. July was the Month of Harry Potter, so I couldn't concentrate on this long enough to write the next chapter. We're getting close to the end, I think… probably just a few more chapters and then maybe an epilogue.
AN 2: This is the second time I've done this scene. My story "Always Protects" examines the same moment, and it was tricky writing the same thing but making it sound different. If you've read the other, let me know if they sound too much alike. Thanks!
Disclaimer: Howl's Moving Castle belongs to many people—Diana Wynne Jones, Studio Ghibli, Disney/Pixar—none of whom are me. Any dialogue you recognize comes directly out of the movie. Any dialogue you don't recognize is mine.
