Traumatic experience
Sasuke heard the terrified scream in his ears over and over again. He could see all the blood on his hands and on the floor as he looked into the dead, glassy eyes of that man, whom he had killed with his own hands. He looked down at his hands soaked with the blood of his victim and he knew these were the hands of a murderer. Then everything went black.
And it began all over again. He saw his Sensei dying in front of him, blood was everywhere. Then he saw that strange man, the man who had killed Kakashi. All he could feel was hate and rage consuming him. The next thing he knew was that he killed that man. He had become a murderer.
This time, he screamed as loud as he could.
"Sasuke!"
Someone was calling his name.
"Sasuke, please open your eyes. Everything is fine!"
It was another voice but he couldn´t recognize this voice.
"Sasuke!"
He stopped screaming and panted to control his breathing.
He opened his eyes and blinked but the light hurt his eyes and he pressed his eyes close immediately. He tried it again, this time it was easier and he got used to the light. He blinked several times, before he noticed the two worried faces of his teammates, Naruto and Sakura.
"Sasuke, are you alright?" Sakura asked with so much worry that Sasuke felt disgusted.
He sat himself up and observed his surroundings. It was obvious that he was in a hospital room. But how did he get there? And what was the matter? He couldn´t find a single injury on his body.
"How are you feeling?" Naruto asked and his look was almost the same as Sakura´s.
Sasuke avoided his teammates' eyes. He didn´t understood what happened. He was on this mission with Kakashi and the stupid client. Then some explosion happened and Kakashi had sent him back to the nearby village. He knew that he had followed his sensei. And then...
The Uchiha closed his eyes. Kakashi was dead. He saw everything. Dead, because of him. And then he had killed that man without a thought. He was a murderer, just like his hated brother.
But why was he here? Could it be that he had only dreamed about everything? Could it be that nothing happened and everything was still fine? Maybe this was the reason why he woke up in a hospital room and not in the dark forest. Maybe he had only overdone it in training again and he got hurt, and he only couldn´t remember.
"You know..." Naruto started. "You were almost out for one week. We were damned worried about you, especially because you wasn´t even physically hurt."
"They said that you were under a deep shock." Sakura continued. "The medic didn´t know when you would wake up again. I´m so glad you´re finally awake!" Sakura let some tears rolled down her cheeks as she bent forward and wrapped her arms around Sasuke´s waist.
Sasuke got the bad feeling that everything wasn´t only a dream. But he didn´t want believe that this really happened. It couldn´t be real, because he couldn´t handle this.
"What happened?" Sasuke asked as his eyes stared at his hands. There was no blood. His hands were clean and pale like always. He wore the clean clothes which every patient in the hospital wore.
"You don´t remember?" Naruto´s face was a little bit relaxed now. "You were out with Sensei on a mission and something went wrong. Your client sent a message back to Konoha that both of you were missing."
"The Hokage sent a team out to look for you. And when their found you..." Sakura swallowed. "When Naruto and I got the information that both of you are in the hospital... We were so worried... Sensei was injured badly but, I was so grateful that you wasn´t injured. You only had some kind of shock which had knocked you out."
Sasuke couldn´t follow Sakura´s speech fully, because he was lost in his own thoughts. The hurt and guilt which he felt drove him crazy. It was his fault that Kakashi was de... Wait a minute, did Sakura said that Kakashi was brought into the hospital too?
"How is Kakashi?" Sasuke blurted out.
"When he arrived at the hospital, he was in a really bad condition..." Naruto said and showed his big smile. "But he´ll be fine after a while. He can already read his pervert books again, so I assume his condition isn´t so bad. I believe he really enjoyed it to have so much time now to read."
"Don´t talk in such a way about sensei!" Sakura scolded her blond teammate, before her look softened and she turned her head back to Sasuke. "He´ll be really happy that you´re finally awake. Sensei asked about you all the time. He would visit you himself but he isn´t allowed to leave his bed."
The Uchiha boy needed some time to grasp the words from his teammates. He was still very tired and his body felt weak but he felt a wave of relieve when he heard that Kakashi was alive. But how could he survive? He saw the blood and his Sensei hadn't moved. Sasuke had really thought that Kakashi was dead.
It was no wonder that Sasuke was really confused with everything. "How?"
"What do you mean?" Naruto asked. He and Sakura gave him a weird look.
"I don´t understand how Kakashi could survive... I thought he is..." Sasuke´s voice was shaking. He was still traumatized by what happened in the mission and his mind pointed out all the cruel facts, which he only wished to forget.
"What is it with you? You´re acting completely weird!" Naruto said in a light mocking tone.
"Naruto!" Sakura snapped. She has already noticed that Sasuke wasn't acting like himself. But she assumed that the mission was really harsh and because of that, she could understand that Sasuke still had some troubles with everything, since he had only woken up half an hour ago.
"What? I didn´t said anything bad!" The blond Uzumaki protested. "But honestly, bastard, are you sure you are alright?"
The only reaction Sasuke gave was, that he pulled his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Suddenly he remembered the terrible events in this mission vividly. He saw Kakashi´s body above him and he could see all the blood. And then he even remembered how he killed that man. His mind repeated the scene over and over again, how he had stabbed his kunai into the man´s chest. He remembered the shock frozen on the man's face and the dead man's eyes and he knew he was a murderer.
"If you´re still worried about Kakashi-sensei, there is no need for that anymore." Sakura said, she was a little bit confused by the Uchiha´s strange behaviour as well. But she reasoned it was the mission and maybe Sasuke was still worried about Kakashi. "He wanted to see you as soon as possible. What do you think, do you feel well enough to check on him?"
Sasuke´s mind drove him crazy. He couldn´t erase the cruel images from his mind and he recalled everything, every single detail. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry but all he did was to pull his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.
"Sasuke... Are you okay?" Sakura asked, concerned.
"Leave me alone!" The Uchiha cried, with desperation in his voice. He couldn´t stand the thought that he was a killer. He only wanted to forget everything but he knew it was impossible for him to forget. Tears welled up in his eyes and he used all his willpower not to cry in front of his teammates. But it really didn´t matter, he had killed a man and he had almost killed their sensei too. This thought drove him insane.
"Hey, what is up with you?" Naruto asked, his voice concerned like Sakura´s. He noticed that his otherwise cool teammate was on the edge to cry and he grew worried about Sasuke´s strange behaviour.
"Leave me alone, please!" Sasuke yelled. He didn´t want to talk to anyone.
"Sasuke..." Sakura tried again but this time the Uchiha interrupted her.
"Go away! Both of you!" The boy yelled at his teammates.
Sakura was startled by her teammate's harsh reaction but at the same time, she knew something was wrong with him and she didn´t want to leave him alone like this. The pink haired girl wanted to say something more, but Naruto grabbed her shoulder with a gentle grip and forced her around towards the direction of the door. Sakura wanted to protest but Naruto already pushed her out of the room and closed the door behind them.
"What´s the meaning of this, Naruto?" The girl asked angry. "He is not himself now. He needs us!"
"Exactly! He isn´t himself now and you saw that he wanted some time alone. I don´t know what happened in that mission but something bothered Sasuke." Naruto said in a serious tone.
"That´s why he needs us!" Sakura said.
"I think we should let him have some space. We should talk to Kakashi sensei about his behaviour. He´ll know better about what´s wrong with Sasuke."
Sakura was surprised by Naruto´s calm speech. Usually he was the loudest and reckless member in Team 7 but today he seemed to know what to do and she had to admit that Naruto had a point. Kakashi always knew what was wrong with his students, plus he was with Sasuke on that mission. They should talk to him first.
"You´re right." She admitted and Naruto blushed as they went towards where Kakashi´s room was.
Kakashi sat up straight on his hospital bed and he was busy reading one of his Icha Icha books. He seemed to concentrate on the pages but the truth was his thoughts wandered to something else. The mission and the Kumo nin. The Jonin knew that the man was dead now. But many questions were left open. How did the man died and what happened with Sasuke after he passed out?
He knew that his raven haired student was placed into another hospital room and so far he know the boy wasn´t hurt badly, only exhausted. But that didn´t change the fact that he was worried and that he wanted to see him. He wanted to make sure that the boy was alright.
A loud knock on the door interrupted Kakashi's thoughts. A second later, Naruto walked in, followed by his pink haired female student. Kakashi was worried as he realized that Sasuke still wasn´t with them both. Hadn´t the boy woken up by now?
"Sensei, how do you feel?" Sakura asked politely.
"Mmmh, I feel a lot better now. But you visited me only a short while ago so I think there's not really any difference now." The silver haired Jonin answered.
Naruto laughed but the Sensei noticed that something seemed to bother the blond boy.
"So what is it?" Kakashi asked. "You two seemed to be troubled by something. Is everything alright?"
"We are both fine, sensei." Sakura said. "But we are worried about Sasuke. He is.."
"Is he awake now?" The Jonin interrupted.
"Yes, he is."
"Why didn´t he visit me too? Or is he in a bad condition?" Kakashi asked with concern.
"I think physically, he is fine. But he didn´t feel well nevertheless." Sakura looked worried. "Kakashi sensei, I´m worried..."
"He´s acting totally strange. He kicked us out from his room and he was almost crying." Naruto explained.
Kakashi frowned. It seemed that Sasuke was somehow still under some sort of shock. He could guess what happened after he passed out. He was sure he knew why the Kumo nin was found dead and this was the reason why Sasuke acted this way. If this was the case, then Kakashi had to talk to the Uchiha boy. He couldn´t let the boy to be alone in such a moment. Sasuke needed someone and Naruto and Sakura couldn´t understand what Sasuke went through right now, but he could and he wouldn´t let Sasuke down.
"Sensei, do you have any idea what´s wrong with him?"
His both students gave him a pleading look. They thought that their sensei knew everything and could make everything alright. It was somehow cute, how much his genin trusted him.
"Don´t worry. I know what bothered Sasuke." Kakashi said and the faces of the children brighten by his words. "I´ll talk to him and he´ll be fine."
"That´s great, Kakashi sensei. But by the way, what happened during this mission?" The Uzumaki boy asked, confused. "I don´t understand why Sasuke freaked out like that."
"I´ll explain it to you both later, eventually. But for now, I want to talk with Sasuke. He needs someone to talk and it was really smart from you to come to me and tell me about his behaviour."
The two genin smiled. Their sensei seemed to know what was wrong and so they calmed down somewhat.
"But now, I want to ask both of you for a favour." Kakashi said and his students looked at him confused. "I want you to bring me a wheelchair and take me to Sasuke´s room."
"But sensei, the medic said that you shouldn´t leave the bed..." Sakura argued.
"I need rest. Yes." Kakashi admitted. "But I don't think a trip in the wheelchair will be really exhausting. Besides, I need to talk with Sasuke as fast as possible. He really needs me now."
"Got it!" Naruto cried and stormed out of the room to look for a wheelchair. Sakura, on the other hand, didn't seem completely convinced but she let it go. Kakashi would know how much his body could take.
Fifteen minutes later, Naruto came back with a wheelchair and helped their sensei onto the wheelchair. Then he pushed Kakashi's wheelchair and headed to Sasuke´s room. Their didn´t knock on the door but opened without a word and entered the room with Kakashi. The sight of Sasuke worried Kakashi. The boy sat curled up on the bed and his shoulders were shaking with each sob. Sasuke was crying. The sight of Sasuke crying was too much for the two other children to bear and they couldn´t believe that everything was alright anymore.
Kakashi sent both of them outside. Naruto and Sakura obviously hesitated to follow their Sensei´s order but then they did what they were told.
Sasuke didn´t look up. The Jonin wasn´t sure if the boy was aware of his presence but the view of his crying student was difficult for him to bear.
"Sasuke." Kakashi said with the intention to get the boy´s attention.
The boy flinched as he heard Kakashi´s voice.
"Sasuke, look at me!" The Jonin said gently.
The raven haired boy hesitated but then he lifted his head and turned his head towards Kakashi. However, he avoided to look directly at his sensei. His eyes were deep red from crying and he clenched his shoulders in effort to keep his sobs down but with not much avail. Tears streamed non-stop down his cheeks. He had begun crying a while ago. When he realized what he had done, he couldn´t stop it anymore. And now to see his Sensei alive... It was a relieved feeling but the guilt ate him away and so he could only cry harder.
"I´m so sorry..." He said between his sobs.
The Jonin´s heart throbbed painfully at the heartbreaking view before him. He had imaged that Sasuke would be depressed about everything that had happened during their mission but for the boy to suffer this much... It´s proof that Sasuke was still a young child and he couldn´t bear what happened. Kakashi bent forward carefully and moved himself so that he could sit down on the edge of Sasuke´s bed. His back hurt terribly, but the Jonin didn´t care in that moment. He would be fine after some rest but when he looked at Sasuke, he wasn´t sure if the boy could handle everything. But he had to! Whatever happened had happened and Kakashi wasn't a man who hides from the reality. What was important now, was to be there for Sasuke and help the boy to move on.
"I´m sorry..." Sasuke repeated again as Kakashi sat near to him.
"Shhh. Calm down." Kakashi said in a soothing tone as put his hands on Sasuke´s head and slid his fingers through the unruly black hair.
"I... I didn´t mean it... I swear... I... I´m so sorry..." The boy couldn´t stop sobbing. His body was shaking.
Of course the Jonin noticed this.
"Hush. It´s alright, Sasuke. I know you didn´t want it. It´s alright, calm down." Kakashi used his other hand to wipe away tears from Sasuke´s cheeks but the boy cried even harder.
"It... It was... my fault... I almost... killed you too!" Sasuke blurted as he squeezed his eyes shut because more tears were welling up.
"No, Sasuke, please don´t say things like this." Kakashi said, this time in a louder and firmer tone. "Don´t blame yourself for what happened. It is how it is. You can´t change it anymore! Learn from your mistakes for the future but don´t let it pull you down!"
Sasuke shook his head. "You don´t understand... I was the one... I... I ...I ignored your orders and almost... ki...killed you..."
"You didn´t killed me, Sasuke!" The sensei interrupted. "The Kumo-nin was the one who wanted to kill me and if I hadn't interfered, he would have killed you! I couldn´t let that happen. It was my own choice to protect you."
The Uchiha boy used his fist to clean the tears away but new tears appeared almost at once. "But I wasn´t supposed to come after you..."
"No, you wasn´t. But even if you had disobeyed my orders, it wasn´t your fault what happened after that. That man fought me with the intention to kill me. And he left me with no other choice than to kill him myself before he got the chance to kill me first. It wasn't your fault, Sasuke."
"It was my fault!" Sasuke protested, still crying. "I was the one who... I..." He paused, unsure if he could tell his sensei what he had done. Maybe Kakashi would leave him at once if he knew what Sasuke had done. But it felt good to get it off his chest and so the words rolled out from his tongue mechanically. "I... I´m a murder..."
These words made Kakashi´s heart almost stopped for a second. It hurt him that the boy would think of himself in such way. He had always assumed that he and Sasuke were much alike. Even though this was true in a lot of things, Kakashi realized that they were different in some aspects. When he was at Sasuke´s age, Kakashi had killed countless times and it had never bothered him too much. He was already a Jonin and he was used to the dirty work. But he could see it now, what he had failed to see until now. Deep inside Sasuke was a really loving and sensitive child with some naive misconception about the shinobi life. It pained the Copy Ninja that not even the masacre had changed Sasuke this much but this incident on the mission had. He didn't want Sasuke to lose his last innocence. He couldn't bear to see the boy in so much pain. He had witnessed Sasuke crying before, he had seen Sasuke suffering before, but never in such extreme and he realized how much this bothered the boy.
Without a word, Kakashi held the boy´s face with both of his hands and forced him to look him straight into the eye. "You´re not a murder! I never want to hear something like that again! Stop blaming yourself for this! You didn´t have a choice. You needed to kill that man or he would kill you! None of us could bear it if something ever happened to you."
"You don´t understand!" Sasuke pulled away from his sensei. "I... I killed someone and I didn´t even remember how I did it. I can only see blood everywhere... I can't get these images out of my head..."
Kakashi´s visible eye softened. He hated that he couldn´t take the pain away from his student. But he didn't have the power to do that. Sasuke had to go through this experience by himself. He could only stay by his side and be there for him. The first kill would always be a horrible experience for every shinobi. Kakashi himself couldn´t remember his first kill anymore, maybe because he had killed too much people in his life or maybe he was way too young to even realize his first kill, but he had seen how fellow shinobi had struggled to cope with such incidents and their reactions were similar to Sasuke now. The fact that Sasuke was in some ways, still more of a child than a shinobi, had only made things worse for the boy.
The Copy Ninja wanted his student to understand. The poor boy had suffered too much. He grabbed Sasuke´s shoulders again and pulled the boy close to him as he wrapped his left arm firmly around Sasuke´s shoulders. The child didn´t fight him in any ways, it seemed Sasuke needed his comfort right now.
"Listen to me carefully, Sasuke." The Jonin said. "What happened in this mission was not your fault. That man wanted me dead. And if you hadn´t showed up suddenly, I would have killed him by myself. He would be dead before you arrived. But you have made a mistake by disobeying my orders directly. I gave you this order to protect you from something like this. But we can´t change this now. Learn your lesson and do better in the future. And like I said before, the Kumo nin would be dead anyway. First he tried to kill me and I admit he had some grudge against me, but he attacked you after you arrived suddenly..."
Kakashi swallowed and tried to get his emotions under control. The scene as the Kumo-nin ran towards Sasuke with killing intent... He couldn´t forget that scene and the fear that he could hurt Sasuke. He would do anything to protect Sasuke, even giving up his own life.
He needed a moment before he could continue to speak. "That man was a killer, not you! He wanted to kill you only to get back at me. He would have killed an innocent boy without a second thought. And I tell you what, that man deserved to be dead."
Sasuke whimpered after hearing these words. He understood what Kakashi wanted to tell him, but he couldn´t forget that he was the one who ended the Kumo-nin´s life.
Kakashi was aware how much Sasuke suffered and that it was difficult for the boy to listen to everything he had said. But he had to confront him with the facts. Otherwise Sasuke wouldn´t be able to understand.
"It is inevitable that every shinobi would have this experience some day. Killing is a part of the shinobi life. Sooner or later you would have to do it anyway. But I was hoping you wouldn't have to until some time later, because you are still so young. I know it´s hard for you now but you´ll get over it. You'll be fine."
"I don´t feel that this will be alright someday..." Sasuke mumbled. Although he wasn't crying as much as before and the tears were still there, at least the heavy sobs died down.
"I know you don´t feel it now. This need some time. But you´ll get over it, I know this." Kakashi said softly. He began to run his fingers through Sasuke´s hair again. The boy leaned closer to him but the pained expression stayed.
"Do you hate me now? Because I almost got you killed?" Sasuke mumbled in a low voice.
The older man stopped in his tracks. Had he heard him right? What was Sasuke thinking? How could he think of such a thing?
"How can you think that I'll hate you because of that? It was my own choice to protect you and I didn´t regret it. I wouldn´t even regret it, if I had lost my life."
"Why did you do that for me?" Sasuke asked. "Why would you be willing to die for me?"
"Because I care for you." Kakashi answered. "Because I love you like my own and I couldn´t bear if something would happen to you."
Kakashi spoke with so much sincerity that Sasuke felt a warm feeling in his chest. He felt not so lost anymore and he knew that Kakashi cared deeply for him and his teammates. Sasuke knew it already before that he had made new bonds with his team, but this was the first time that he realized how much they meant to him. He rested his head on Kakashi´s shoulder and closed his eyes. His body felt exhausted from all the crying. He still felt bad and he still couldn´t handle the feeling that he had killed someone. But the difference was that he didn´t feel so alone. He knew someone was there for him and would help him.
"I´m here." The Jonin said as he rested his chin on Sasuke´s raven hair. His wound hurt but the man ignored it. His pain didn't matter in this moment. The only thing which mattered was that Sasuke would get better again. "We´ll make it together. I´ll help you get through this. And I promise it´ll get away."
Maybe it would take a while for Sasuke to completely leave this incident behind but someday, he would. Kakashi told him so and for some reasons, Sasuke believed him.
Thanks for the reviews, it´s really a great support.
A big thanks to een nihc again for her help!
I wasn´t sure if Sasuke is a little bit to depressed in this chapter but it´s turned out in this way. Please let me know what you think and review :)
