The moment that Adam hit his bed, he threw himself upright and hurried to the door. He made it about halfway down the stairs before he felt himself being lifted into the air and sped through the house once more to land again on the bed. This time the door slammed shut behind him. When he tried to open it a second time, it was locked tight.
"You can't keep me here!" he screamed.
A crashing noise echoed through the house, and Adam flopped back down on the bed.
He'd been in this situation before. Lucifer would throw an epic temper tantrum, destroy half the house, scream at his subordinates, and then, when he'd run himself out, he'd come to Adam and act like nothing had happened and it was all happy families.
It was just one of the many reasons that Adam hated coming to Hell. Torture and torment were bad and all, but he supposed that it all served a purpose. Dealing with his father's childish temper was just one step too far.
If it weren't for Crowley and Aziraphale, he'd just wait out the storm like usual, but Hell only knew what kind of torments Lucifer had thought up for his erstwhile demon and the angel that had thwarted his war. Not that any of it had really been their fault. They had helped of course, but mostly it had been Adam; they'd just been along for the ride. Yet, here Adam was, grounded to a lavish suite with all the comforts that a young man could ask for, while Aziraphale and Crowley were being punished for whatever sins Hell could pin on them- chewed away over and over again in the frozen rings of the Ninth Circle as traitors, or subjected to whatever nasty BDSM shit was going on in the Second Circle for the sin of lust. Adam didn't like to think.
He had to get out of here and put a stop to it.
What power he had on Earth, whilst not in the midst of a world-ending Armageddon, was limited to his own direct sphere of influence- perhaps a ten mile radius of wherever he was at the moment. It was stronger in Tadfield, perhaps because it was a world that he had built for himself long before he even knew what he was doing, and it was stronger with people that he'd known for a long time. Still, he rarely put it to any use. He kept the developers away from Tadfield. He occasionally made his parents forget his misdeeds- at least after he felt that he'd been appropriately punished for his latest transgression. He sometimes used it to get his friends to go along with his crazier plans, but only because he knew that they'd have more fun if they did. Mostly he just used it to impress girls with the newest incarnation of the Citroen. If he ever managed to get out of Hell and back to Oxford, he'd probably use it to get his professors to forgive his truancy and late assignments- maybe even bump his grades up a bit. Really, that was only fair reward for having to deal with the things he'd seen this week, and he wasn't talking about Hell. If he could use his power to scrub his own memories of all the times he'd walked in to find his godfathers doing a lot more than just canoodling over the last few days, he wouldn't hesitate for an instant. He was never sitting on that couch again. That wasn't even counting the poorly disguised pornographic statue passing itself off as "art" in Crowley's front hall. He'd scrub his eyeballs out with bleach if it meant getting that image out of his head.
But, anyway, that was Earth; this was Hell. Here, Adam's power was all encompassing. There were no limits, save one; he could not, in any way, oppose Lucifer. He could rearrange Hell in any way that he desired, as long as his shit-show of a sperm-donor, spirit-donor, whatever, allowed it. Which was all well and good if he felt like designing horrendous torments for the souls consigned to the pits, or if he wanted to create some new hell beast, but did absolutely nothing to help him get out of this room.
If he wanted to get out of here, he was going to have to convince Lucifer to let him out, which wasn't exactly easy when he was locked in his room and Lucifer was destroying his house in a murderous rage- like a damn toddler. He felt like that girl in that Disney film- the one with the talking furniture. All he needed was a butter-yellow gown and well… a lot more daddy issues than he already had.
He tried to put that thought out of his mind as he concentrated on every television and radio in the house and felt them click on in his head.
"Enough of this," he thought. "Let me out so that we can talk like adults." He heard the faint echo of his words coming from every speaker in the house.
"WOULD YOU PREFER THE PITS?" Lucifer's voice radiated from the walls themselves. "I HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE FOR TREACHEROUS SONS. THERE'S A PLACE FOR EVERYONE IN HELL."
Adam sighed. "Stop being dramatic. Let me out, and maybe we can find a compromise."
"THE TIME FOR COMPROMISES IS OVER."
"Yeah," Adam thought. "This is the time for smashing everything and acting like a spoiled child." He realized too late that he hadn't bothered to shield the thought from his impromptu p.a. system when he heard it echoed through the house.
There was another loud crash, rather proving his point, but he managed to shield that thought at least.
"What are you hoping to accomplish with this? You can force compliance, but that doesn't make me compliant."
"I CAN BREAK YOU DOWN UNTIL THE DIFFERENCE DOESN'T MATTER."
"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him," Adam said. "That's one of His isn't it? Proverbs 13:24. Spare the rod; spoil the child. Something like that?"
"I-" Lucifer faltered and Adam could almost feel the hit. He'd read the good book cover to cover a few times now, mostly to see where he might fit into the ineffable plan, but there had been precious little to learn. He had found it very useful for quoting passages at Lucifer to win arguments though.
He pressed his advantage.
"And what torments do you have for me, father? Do you have a crucifix set aside for your only son?"
There was a long pause, and when the answer came it was in a much calmer and more subdued tone.
"Come downstairs."
The lock on the door clicked open.
Adam wasn't quite sure what to expect when he walked into his father's study. The scale of destruction might've been anywhere between a post-football match pub fight and a small atomic bomb, but whatever ithadbeen, Lucifer had set everything back to rights before Adam got there.
The Lord of Darkness sat calmly in one leather armchair with a glass of amber liquid resting in his hand against the arm rest.
Adam stood just inside the door and waited.
"Sit down," Lucifer said, his voice once more deep and measured. "I owe you an apology."
Adam sat on the edge of the adjacent armchair. "I'm listening."
Lucifer hesitated. "We are more alike than you might like to admit. It may be… unfair of me to fault you for something that might as well be your birthright."
"Explain," Adam said.
"Let me put it another way," Lucifer said with a smile. "Rebelling against authority figures rather runs in the family."
"I see."
"I rule in Hell because the idea of an all-knowing God never sat well with me. Having a creator that doesn't bother to consider the point of view of others is something that I can understand well. God accused me of pride when I questioned Him, accused me of vanity when I suggested that I might know more about anything than He did, and accused me of coveting power when I dared to defy Him. For these supposed transgressions, I was thrown down. Exiled from Heaven, I was given the task of punishing others as I was being punished."
Lucifer let out a long sigh. "And yet, I create the same restrictions for you, and act surprised when you defy me."
Surprisedwasn't exactly the word that Adam would have used, but he knew better than to say so.
"For this, I apologize," Lucifer said, "but it does not change the situation. When your time on the mortal world ends, your spirit will return here. And, it will end; your body is very much human, even if your spirit is not. When that happens, I suppose you'll have a choice to make, and I would suggest that you make the best of it."
Adam bit his lip. "It isn't fair for me to be punished for something that you did either," he said, wishing that he hadn't when he saw the look on Lucifer's face.
"Perhaps not, but that isn't my doing."
Adam nodded slowly.
"I would rather that you learned to share in my responsibilities, but if you refuse, then I suppose there will be time enough later. An eternity, in fact, unless you change your mind about bringing about Armageddon."
"I won't," Adam said. "The humans don't deserve to host your battlefield. If you need to have your war, why don't you have it on Mars or something? That seems like a better place for that sort of thing. The name is even right."
"I don't make the rules," Lucifer said.
"You just enforce them," Adam finished. "Right, well, do you mind letting my godfathers go free, then?"
Lucifer cringed. "Godfathers?"
Adam shrugged. "It's what they call themselves. I was never actually baptized. Not sure what would have happened if anyone had tried. Back when Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee thought that Warwick kid was the Antichrist, they decided to see to his spiritual upbringing. Once they figured out the mix-up, they transferred their attentions to me. Mostly, I just get extra presents on my birthday. Every once in a while, they decide that they haven't been giving me enough attention, and they make some kind of effort to make it up to me, and I get dragged around London for theatre shows and fancy dinners. I don't think either one of them has ever tried to offer religious counsel."
Lucifer was frowning, but he said. "I suppose that's all right then."
"So, you'll let them go?"
"Yes," he said, though Adam could tell that he didn't want to. The corner of his eye was twitching.
"And you'll give Crowley his powers back," Adam prodded.
"I already told you that I can't."
"Above your pay grade?"
"In a manner of speaking," Lucifer said through gritted teeth. "Only God can make angels. Only angels can be exiled from Hell to become demons. It really has nothing to do with me. I just manage new personnel. I don't create them."
"But, you're the one who took his powers away," Adam protested.
"I exiled him from Hell," Lucifer disagreed. "If he isn't working for Hell, then he isn't a demon. I don't know what he is now, but he isn't one of mine, so I have no control over him."
"I understand," Adam said, not really understanding at all, and thinking that if he really wanted to remake the world in his image, then maybe Hell would be a good place to start- which, he supposed, was what Lucifer had been trying to get him to do this whole time.
This whole quest had been a monumental waste of time. Maybe Crowley was right about his plans being rubbish.
"So, we're good then?" Adam asked.
The Prince of Darkness raised an eyebrow.
Adam smirked. "Okay, poor word choice, but we're cool."
"In the Ninth Circle? Always."
Adam laughed. "Yeah, I guess Hell hath truly frozen over."
Lucifer didn't get the reference. He would have asked for clarification, but he was distracted by a noise outside. "What is that?"
Adam cocked his head to listen and smiled. "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me."
"What?"
"Freddy Mercury."
"Who?"
Adam frowned. "Don't you have him? I thought this is where they sent all the gays?"
"Gays?"
"Gays," Adam repeated, "homosexuals, men who have sex with other men."
"Oh." Lucifer's face twisted and he rocked one hand from side to side. "That's a bit of a grey area. We don't actually care, but it depends on shifting morality- mostly, whether or not the person thinks it's a sin."
"Ah," Adam said. "That's good then. People should be able to love whoever they want." He got to his feet. "He was too good for your lot anyway."
Adam walked toward the door while Lucifer looked on in confusion. "Anyway, that'll be my ride, I expect."
Before Lucifer could protest or change his mind, he left. He was just getting to the end of the path that led to the frozen lake when the Bentley came skidding around the corner, drifting on the ice, and blastingBohemian Rhapsodyloud enough to rattle the glass in the windowpanes of the unholy residence.
Dog came running around the house at the same time, bounding through the snow to reach Adam's side. The Bentley skidded to a halt in front of them, the volume of the music lowered, and the driver's side window rolled down.
"Need a lift?" Crowley asked, a manic glint in his slitted eyes.
"Yeah," Adam said, "Let's get the hell out of here."
"Heh," Crowley grinned. "Get out and let them in, angel"
Aziraphale seemed to have trouble getting all of his limbs to work properly, and he was a bit shaky on his feet when he got out of the car so that Adam and Dog could get into the back.
"You okay?" Adam asked.
"It's been a… an eventful afternoon."
"Buck up, angel," Crowley said. "We aren't out of this yet."
Adam and Dog clambered into the back seat, but before Aziraphale could fold the seat back and get in himself, the front door to the house had banged open, and Lucifer was striding towards them. Aziraphale made an alarmed little squeak at the sight of the Lord of Darkness baring down on them, and hurried to get in and slam the door closed.
"Go, Crowley. Go!" he said in a panic.
"Hang on a sec," Adam said.
Lucifer looked more confused than angry as he approached the car. "How did this get down here?" he asked.
"Might want to talk to Hastur," Crowley told him, "if you can find all the pieces, that is."
"Hastur? Find all the…? ADAM, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?"
Adam leaned forward so that he could look out the window. "Honestly, I have no idea, but I'm just going to go with it. It's Crowley and the Bentley; it's all… you know…"
"Ineffable," Aziraphale suggested with bemused huff of air.
"Yeah, that's it, ineffable," Adam said. "Anyway, see you around, Pops."
Crowley figured that was as good an exit line as he was likely to get, and he put the pedal to the floor. The wheels spun on the ice for an embarrassingly long time before the tread caught enough friction and they lurched away across the frozen lake.
"Pops," Lucifer repeated, a little smile on his face as he watched them drive away.
Anyway the wind blows.
"So," Aziraphale said. "Do either of you have a plan for how we're going to actually drive this car out of here? Is there a back entrance that I don't know about?"
"I might be able to help with that," Adam said and snapped his fingers.
A Bentley sized hole opened up in the ice ahead of them. Crowley slammed on the brakes and barely avoided it, as the Bentley did a 360 and came to a stop, hard, facing the huge hole in the ice from the other direction.
"Huh," Adam said when Aziraphale had stopped screaming.
"What do you mean, huh?" Crowley demanded.
"Well, I was trying to open up a portal to Earth. I suppose that's it."
"You suppose."
"You'll have to drive in to find out."
"Want to run that by me again?"
"It-"
"So help me, Adam Young," Crowley said, "if you say it's an excellent plan…"
"Well, no, I was going to say that it should come out back in London. This is a terrible plan."
"Yup," Crowley agreed, "but… historically, those are the ones that usually work out for us. He gripped the steering wheel and nodded to himself. "Well, my love, I think this calls for some mood music, what have you got for us?"
"Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time," sang the non-existent speakers.
"Don't stop me now," Crowley agreed. "Hang on, angel."
And, with that, he drove the Bentley into the icy abyss.
oOoOoOo
There weren't any reports that Thursday of an antique 1926 Bentley surfacing from the duck pond in St. James's park and driving up onto the bank.
This was partially because most people wouldn't be able to identify the model year of any given classic Bentley that just happened to roll on out of the muck containing three somewhat terrified and very damp passengers and one improbably large and very happy dog.
Mostly, it was because no one would have believed them.
