Chapter 11: Shooting For The Moon

Wednesday, April 11, 2012, After School, Naoto's POV

After the incident with Kanji-kun and Ms. Kashiwagi, things quieted down at school. Kanji-kun, in consideration of his precarious situation, as well as the fact that his friends worried about what would happen to him if he caused trouble, behaved himself as well as could be expected of him. He wasn't entirely happy about letting Ms. Kashiwagi say what she wanted without reprisal, which was understandable- I, for one, found her remarks unbecoming a teacher- but he did start to understand why it was foolish to risk himself in a Quixotic struggle with authority.

Of course, even with that aside, we had other things to deal with. Between class and homework, school took up the majority of our time, and that was only exacerbated by the various social complications of high school. Like Yukiko-senpai, I was subject to many of my classmates' affections, none of which I seriously considered returning, but I mainly chose to ignore them... until recently.

On my way out of school, I found another love letter in my locker. Given that it was less cutesy than most, albeit hardly professional, I could tell that it was from a boy. Without bothering to open or read it, I quickly stuffed it in my pocket, and started heading home to dispose of it. Before I left the school grounds, though, a familiar voice reached my ears.

"Another love letter?" Kanji-kun said, causing me to stop and turn around. "It seems like a waste of paper if you're just gonna throw it out. I could show you how to make that into origami if you'd like."

It was somewhat surprising that Kanji-kun was willing to talk so openly about his supposedly "unmanly" love of arts and crafts, but there was a more relevant question- if not two- at hand.

"You know I've been getting these, Kanji-kun?" I said. "As well as what I'm doing with them?"

"Yeah," Kanji-kun said. "Today, I overheard a guy in my class saying that he sent you one last October, probably soon after we saved you from the TV World, but didn't get a reply. He said he'd try again now, 'cause he says it ain't like you said no, right?"

I shrugged. It would seem natural that if I said nothing, it would be the same as saying no, a bit like all the people who walk past his family's textile shop without buying anything.

"So you're saying some people are sending them more than once?" I said, with a hint of embarrassment in my voice. "I must confess that I haven't been reading them."

"Isn't that kinda rude?" Kanji-kun said. "It ain't like it's some sort of junk mail that goes out to everyone in Japan who has a mailbox- these guys and gals put their hearts and souls into them, even if they don't have a chance in hell of you saying yes."

I sighed. Kanji-kun's argument was mostly true, but didn't account for my own perspective. Since it was mostly based on feelings, I found it difficult to respond to, save for sharing my side of the story.

"If that's true, it's because they don't know me," I said. "Take, for example... Seiji Kirihara, the first boy to write me a love letter after the fact that I'm a girl became common knowledge. Despite being in my year, he was not in my class last year or this year, and I never saw him outside of it, so we have nothing on which Kirihara-kun could build anything more than a superficial infatuation."

A part of me wondered if my verbiage was too sophisticated for Kanji-kun, who tended to speak in a manner that was often blunt and vulgar, but nevertheless honest and straightforward. But as his brow furrowed and he gave a disapproving frown, it was clear that he understood what I was saying perfectly well- he simply didn't agree.

"Maybe not," Kanji-kun said. "But if that's the case, why don't ya show this Kirihara guy and the others the real you for a little while, and see who sticks around? You know, kind of like Yukiko-senpai did."

What Kanji-kun was saying made sense. He had a great deal of experience with rejection for being who he was, and made some of his first friends as a result of people seeing his Shadow, the part of himself he most wanted to keep secret. It was much the same for me, as my companions on the Investigation Team were among the first in my age group in Inaba to learn that I was a girl. Once they learned and accepted me for that, they went from people I associated with solely for the sake of my investigation to the first true friends I had ever had.

"That's an interesting proposition," I said. "But are you saying that my lack of desire for teen romance is not truly part of my identity?"

"Could be," Kani said. "It kinda reminds me of the old me, who kept going around acting like a tough guy. People didn't like me too much back then, and they don't like people who act like they're too good to fall in love, either."

My temper flared for a moment. Being accused of looking down on others was a sore spot for me, since I was desperate to prove my worth to the police departments that utilized my services, in spite of my being young and female, both causes for the adult men to dismiss me as unworthy. It's unpleasant to be accused of being what you hate, although many people end up falling into that trap.

In spite of that, I had to admit that Kanji-kun had a point. While my latest suitor and I would not make a good couple, and were not likely to even become friends, there was no need for me to hurt this person's feelings, as I had done when I coldly rejected the first female students who had made advances on me.

"You're right," I said. "I suppose I do come off as a bit cold and arrogant at times, although it's not my intention. As such, I'll swallow my pride and ask you this- how do you think I should go about responding to this in the best possible way?"

Kanji-kun looked crestfallen for a moment, and broke eye contact as he replied.

"I dunno," Kanji said. "Why not read it first?"

As usual, while Kanji-kun had a knack for failing to grasp relatively basic concepts, he was also able to remind us of simple things, such as the need to persist even when we were stymied. If I was to decide how to best deal with this person, I had to gain an understanding of them first.

I opened the letter, and skimmed it over. The letter requested a time and a place to meet- after school tomorrow, at the riverbank of the Samegawa Flood Plain- and said that he would confess his love to me there. Something seemed oddly familiar about it all, although the few love letters I'd read said little beyond the fact that they loved me and where they wanted me to meet.

But then I got to the signature, and saw Kirihara-kun's name.

"You're right, Kanji-kun," I said. "It seems Kirihara-kun didn't take the message after I ignored him that time."

"No shit," Kanji-kun said. "How the hell is he suppos'ta figure out what's on your mind if you don't say anything?"

"It's called reading between the lines," I said, "and judging various small cues and subtle hints. Of course... you don't see that many outside of face to face contact, so perhaps he might have assumed that I'd never gotten it, and tried again after mustering his courage."

"So you do get it after all," Kanji-kun said. "So how are you gonna see to it that he doesn't send a third one?"

I paused to think.

"Obviously, I'll go to him in person and say no," I said, "which only leaves the question of how to go about doing so. Since it's tomorrow after school, at the Samegawa Flood Plain, I don't have much time to think this over."

"Well, even if he's stubborn, it's not like he likes being kept in suspense," Kanji-kun said. "So, you need any help with that?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure it's help that you could give me," I said. "I appreciate your help, Kanji-kun, but I must deal with this on my own."

Kanji-kun nodded, with some disappointment, but saw me off with a "See you tomorrow, Naoto," and I responded in kind, as I made plans to meet with the person who was perhaps best at rejecting love confessions, and find out how she said no to the many people attracted to her.


Thursday, April 12, 2012, Lunch Time

The next day, I joined Yukiko-senpai and Chie-senpai for lunch. I would have chosen to speak with Yukiko-senpai at one of our cooking lessons, but it had been a few days since we had time for one, and I suspected that she would soon get to the point where I had nothing left to teach her.

"Yukiko-senpai, I have a question," I said. "Do you have much experience turning down guys?"

"I... suppose," Yukiko-senpai said. "Then again, I'm not sure what I say to them necessarily counts."

"You'll have to forgive Yukiko," Chie-senpai said. "She's done that so many times that she doesn't remember half of her rejections, and she's hesitant to even call most of the other half 'rejections,' per se. Of course, she's gotten a bit more assertive lately, and recent events are working toward her favor."

I remembered hearing Yukiko-senpai had gone into a laughing fit in front of a crows of potential challengers and onlookers. Not everyone believed the rumor, but it did serve to dissuade some of her shallower suitors.

"I see," i said. "Hypothetically speaking, what would you do if a boy came up to you and asked you out?"

"I'd say that I have some place to be," Yukiko-senpai said, "which would largely be true, given that I often have to help out at the inn."

"Yeah, but when people say things like that, it's usually a white lie," Chie-senpai said. "You ever heard of people saying they have to wash their hair?"

"That may be so, Chie," Yukiko-senpai said, "but in my case, I am telling the truth, and trying to be polite."

I nodded. Hygiene was important for me, but it took only a small part out of my day- although it was likely more difficult a task for someone who, like Yukiko-senpai, had long hair. Perhaps by saying that, I would be implying that my suitors were even less important than a task of trivial importance, which would likely be more insulting than refusing them outright.

"I think Kanji-kun had a similar suggestion," I said. "He said I was by no means under obligation to give my suitors what they wanted, but it would be best if I was somewhat tactful when I turned them down."

"I agree, Naoto-kun," Yukiko-senpai said. "When I'm serving guests at the inn, I have to mind my manners, so I'm used to dealing with such people while remaining polite. Even off duty, I try to remain courteous, even if the people asking me out are... not entirely reasonable."

Yukiko-senpai's point was easy to understand, since service employees were generally held to a much higher standard of politeness than most members of the general public. I realized that if I ever encountered the maids while they were on the job, I would have to make it clear whether I preferred to be addressed as "sir" or "miss," and perhaps the same would go for Yukiko-senpai herself.

Still, even if I was not expected to be polite, there was no reason for me not to be. While I could shoot down my suitors in a blunt or perfunctory manner, they had a great deal invested in it, so doing so in such a way would perhaps be insulting to them.

"I suppose the only thing that comes to mind is to say no to them in a concise yet polite manner," I said.

"That seems to be the case," Yukikko said. "I'm sorry I couldn't help more, Naoto-kun."

"It's not a problem, Yukiko-senpai," I said. "Perhaps it's possible that the solution to my problem is just that simple, after all."

"Yeah, I hope so, too," Chie-senpai said.


Afternoon

In the afternoon, I had history classes, and we heard a bit of the story of Princess Kaguya from Ms. Sofue.

"Now let's see if you've been doing your reading, Miss Shirogane," Ms. Sofue said. "Where exactly was Kaguya found?"

The question was easy enough for me to answer. I was well familiar with the legend, even before Yu-senpai used a Persona based on Kaguya herself, and I was used to teachers addressing me as a female.

"In a shining bamboo stalk," I said.

"Ho ho ho, that's correct," Ms. Sofue said. "As the story goes, she was courted by five royal suitors, but presented them with a variety of impossible tasks. None were successful, one lost his life in the attempt, and Kaguya ultimately returned to the moon. A fine story, truth be told, but I still prefer Egyptian mythology myself..."

If not for the fact that the reading was on the legend, I would have wondered if the teacher had deliberately chosen that question because of my situation. Perhaps some gossip made its way to the teachers, since I could hardly imagine that they were unaware of the various goings-on around school outside of their classes. Of course, while they weren't necessarily ignorant or even pretending to be, they could not get involved, but had to keep a professional distance from their students.

I was personally grateful for that principle for several reasons, among them that only two people needed to be involved in what would happen this afternoon- myself and the latest student with a crush on me, who was about to become the next person I rejected.


After School

After leaving the school grounds, I headed to the Samegawa Flood Plain, and looked around the river bank. Kirihara-kun was already there, evidently having been in a hurry to get to the meeting spot. After scanning the area to see that we were alone, he stepped forward to greet me.

"Glad to see you could make it this time, Shirogane-kun," Kirihara-kun said.

For the moment, I decided not to ask what he thought had happened last time, lest I reveal that I had intentionally stood him up, so I moved on to the next question.

"Before we get down to business, I would like you to clarify one thing, Kirihara-kun," I said. "Are you aware that I am a girl, and is this what you prefer?"

Kirihara-kun nodded twice.

"I actually had my suspicions that you were a girl all along," Kirihara-kun said, "and I just so happen to have a preference for those kinds of girls. A girl who's somewhat androgynous and on top of the class is perfect in my book."

"That's more or less true," I said, "but is that really all you know about me?"

"Well, yeah," Kirihara-kun said. "Still, it seems like a good starting point, enough so that we could go out for a bit and see how things go, right?"

I shook my head.

"To be honest," I said, "I can think of one very important thing about me that you're missing. Before getting into any long-term relationship with someone, whether romance, friendship or even a professional partnership, I want to take stock of their personality, and ensure they know me as well. At this point, considering that the only thing I know about you is that your opinion on this issue stands in stark contrast to mine, I see little reason to believe that we would be very compatible, and would rather spare both of us the heartache."

Kirihara-kun's face fell, and while I felt a pang of sympathy for him, I realized the time had come to drive the point home.

"I'm sorry, Kirihara-kun, but my answer is no," I said.

Kirihara-kun sighed. It was a more moderate reaction than I'd expected, even if he made no secret of the fact that he was unhappy with my answer.

"First the Amagi Challenge, and now this," he said. "I thought I'd prepared myself for being rejected but it still hurts, even if you're fairly nice about it."

"Again, I'm sorry," I said. "I know this wasn't the answer you were hoping for, but I regretted not responding to your first letter, and wanted to bring this to a resolution, for both our sakes."

"Thank you," Kirihara-kun said. "You're right- if nothing else, I have a sense of closure."

"But let me ask you a question," I said. "What's this about your belief that you'd 'prepared yourself' with the Amagi Challenge?"

"Oh, that," Kirihara-kun said, as though he didn't expect me to see this much significance in an off-hand remark. "I heard about it from a friend of mine, who heard about it from his older brother- a guy who graduated last year. Supposedly, the Amagi Challenge started after a bunch of people asked Amagi-senpai out, and got turned down."

"So every self-respecting teenage male has to ask Yukiko-senpai out?" I said.

"Some think of it that way," Kirihara-kun said. "But see, my friend's brother noticed that some of the guys who asked her out later ended up getting girlfriends of their own. One friend of my friend's brother said that if you're willing to try for the 'grand prize,' and get rejected, it's easier to confess to any other girl you like. He described it as a bit like a lottery ticket, or better yet, like the Beef Bowl at Aiya's- even if you don't finish it, you emerge a stronger man."

I grimaced slightly. Mathematics were not my primary area of specialization, but I knew how low the odds of success were, and how people could spend hundreds of thousands of yen in the vain hope of winning riches. Furthermore, I didn't have much more knowledge of health than any proficient second-year high school student, but forcing large portions of meat into your stomach was hardly good for your body. There was also how, if the boys were unwilling to let rejection stop them, Yukiko-senpai and I would likely deal with many more such confessions until we graduated.

Still, even if these boys were largely driven by lust and hormones, there was a certain degree of wisdom in seizing the moment and going for the gold, but also being prepared for failure, and being willing to pick yourself up and try again somewhere else. I certainly would not want any of them as my boyfriend, but perhaps they would have healthy and happy relationships with other girls.

"I must be off, Kirihara-kun," I said. "I'm sorry that you couldn't get what you hoped for, but perhaps when you find a girlfriend someday, you can introduce her to me."

"Definitely," Kirihara-kun said. "See you around, Shirogane-kun."

With a wave, Kirihara-kun and I parted ways.


I stopped by Tatsumi Textiles on the way back home, and told Kanji-kun what happened.

"Good for you, Naoto," Kanji said. "Now you gotta repeat this... how many times will it be?"

I chuckled softly, as it appeared that Kanji-kun was starting to grasp what it was like to be in my position. Within a few days of dealing with Kirihara-kun, I would receive a letter from a first-year, Kanzaki-kun, who'd only recently heard about me. Of course, that was something I didn't know just yet, as my thoughts were on the reason why the suitors would make confessions that had almost no chance of being accepted.

"You know, I think I understand why those boys would ask Yukiko-senpai out like that," I said. "They might be attracted to her only because she's beautiful and popular, but there's a certain degree of wisdom in throwing aside your hesitation and going for the impossible, but also being prepared for failure and willing to pick yourself up and start over- a degree of wisdom you also possess, Kanji-kun."

Kanji-kun had been nodding his head in agreement all the while, but suddenly and violently shook his head at my last statement.

"The hell I do!" Kanji-kun said. "You think it's so easy for me to get over shit like that?"

"Perhaps easier than you think," I said. "At some of the lower points in the investigation, such as when Nanako-chan was hospitalized, and, as I've heard, when Mitsuo Kubo committed his copycat killing in defiance of all your previous assumptions, you were the one who insisted that the others get over their frustration and press onward. There are some problems that are not solved with logic or knowledge, but with determination and courage, and you excel at those."

"Yeah, but this ain't the same thing," Kanji-kun said. "You weren't there, but part'a the reason I ain't so keen on talking about my Shadow has nothing to do with it taking place in a sauna. I'm scared shitless of bein' rejected- you get over setbacks, but people looking at you like you're a freak never goes away. There's little freakier than you with a towel wrapped around your waist- your badass cyborg Shadow doesn't even compare."

Now that I thought about it, I had noticed that Kanji-kun seemed unusually awkward and shy around me, and although I had my suspicions before, only now did I start to gain an inkling of the reason why. He seemed like some of my more timid suitors, but unlike the countless boys who asked Yukiko-senpai out, or the many students of both genders who had crushes on me, he had a great deal personally invested in it. Perhaps my fans could move on to the next cute girl on their list if I said no to them, but if Kanji loved me and I rejected him, it would take him a long time to get over it.

It was tempting to reassure him that he had nothing to worry about here, but the timing could not have been worse, since it would come off as nothing more than an act of pity. In spite of that, I had to say something to him at that moment, so as such, I chose my words carefully.

"The unfortunate truth, Kanji-kun, is that not everyone will accept you for who you are," I said. "Many people have closed their minds to the truth, thinking in terms of stereotypes and judging some groups of people as inferior to others. You will not change them through your efforts alone, but at the same time, that doesn't mean that you should conceal who or what you are. Be true to yourself, and perhaps you will find a good number of people who respect you for that."

"Yeah," Kanji-kun said. "But isn't is hard for you to be looked down on by the police department 'cause you're a kid and a chick? Like you said last week, don't you need them to trust you?"

"I do," I said. "But on the other hand, I'm over worrying about what I can't change or trying to be something I'm not, which demands a great deal of me and gives very little in return. For the most part, I simply do my best and let the rest take care of itself, which I think is a principle that applies nearly everywhere."

I had no illusions about my path being an easy one, and neither did those who accepted their Shadows- despite not seeing anyone else's Shadows, I knew my friends well enough to understand their deep-seated personal issues, which they had only recently started to confront. In spite of that, we knew that the harder road was the more worthwhile one, a bit of knowledge that gave us the determination to walk it to the end.

Kanji-kun smiled, his mood evidently improved, and I took the opportunity to change the subject to something more pleasant. While I wasn't sure whether I could tell him what I needed him to, or be there in the same way that he wanted, I could show him that I accepted him and was there for him. I hoped that if nothing else, he would accept that, and trust me with his secrets, his doubts and his fears, which would be enough for me... for now.


Author's Notes

Thank you for the reviews and voting in the poll on my profile- please keep them coming.

Naoto does have a point about the confessors not knowing her, but on the other hand, she does come off as a bit cold at times, such as when bluntly rejects two girls on her first day at Yasogami. It's thus natural that Kanji, who's come to regret being "a complete pansy who tries to make everyone hate (him)", wouldn't like that part of her, even if he's not all that much help in getting her to turn them down gently.

One of the themes of the Kanji-Naoto subplot is to contrast Kanji and Naoto's approaches to problems, as Naoto tends to rely on her intelligence, while Kanji relies on his determination. While Naoto's better at thinking things through, Kanji's less prone (albeit not immune) to getting demoralized or wallowing in guilt, as a result of how he doesn't overthink things.

Here are Kanji and Naoto's stats.

Kanji

Knowledge: 1 (He has a good amount of knowledge of arts and crafts, very little of which is useful in school)

Courage: 5 (Taking on a biker gang singlehandedly definitely counts)

Expression: 1 (He doesn't really have a way with words, as shown when he calls Yukiko's omelette "boneless")

Understanding: 3 (He's a fairly nice guy, but is occasionally tripped up by social cues.

Diligence: 3 (He's fairly hardworking, but occasionally slacks off, like when he goes to the air-conditioned Junes while investigating Mitsuo)

Naoto

Knowledge: 5(As might be expected of a detective, and considering that you need this much to even begin her Social Link)

Courage: 5 (She put herself at risk to serve as bait for the kidnapper)

Expression: 4 (She's fairly well-spoken and eloquent)

Understanding: 2 (She admits that, as Yosuke notes, she has "a tin ear for people's feelings")

Diligence: 4 (She's hard-working and determined to not leave a job half-done, although she admits it's difficult to balance school and the case).