Author's Note:
Hey, everyone! This took longer to do than I initially thought it would. Then again, I have been busy for lately. Between work, celebrating my birthday, writing the first two chapters of my second fanfiction (information below), and another project I've been working on. You can see why it took me more than a while to get this chapter done. The new expansion
About that fanfiction I mentioned before. I've published the first chapter of my second fanfiction, a RWBY and Warhammer 40K crossover called 'Worst enemies make even worse roommates'. It's inspired from a comic series from DeviantArt I saw a while back called 'DaRealWurld40k'. In it, the gods of the 40K-verse throw at least one member of the various warring races of the 40K-verse onto Remnant and force them to work and live together for the simple reason wanting amusement after watching ten thousand years of constant warfare. It takes place during canon events. In it you can expect laughs, gore, mutual hatred, heresy, and a whole lot of dakka.
The second chapter of 'Worst enemies make evem worse roommates' will be posted at least four days after this chapter of 'RWBY and Friends watch the Multiverse'. If that sounds like your cup of tea, feel free to check it out.
With all that out of the way, let's get back to our irregularly scheduled program.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Keeper Alaric was rubbing his hands gleefully, a wide smile behind his white mask. It kind of creeped the audience out a bit as they watched him do so. Even more so when he began to laugh to himself (imagine that evil laugh Sima Yi from Dynasty Warriors 7-8 does).
"Okay. I am very concerned for whatever you have in mind for us." Taiyang voiced his, and everyone else's, thoughts on Alaric's actions. His words were shortly followed by a series of popping sounds, and five people fell onto two new couches that materialized beneath the new members of the audience.
Onto one fell two young women and one young man. They were Cinder Fall, Emerald Sustrai, and Mercury Black, the hidden agents of Salem. The other couch cushioned the fall of Roman Torchwick, one of the most wanted men in Vale and beyond, and Neo, his little ice-monster of a henchwoman. All five were bewildered by how they got where they were, the first three going over the next stages of their plans, while Roman was stuck in his cell aboard an Altesian airship. Neo was supposed to be helping Cinder and her posse, but, she had snuck out and had been treating herself to Beacon's supply of ice cream.
The arrival of Cinder and her group was generally met with indifference from those who had not met or heard of them, but the arrival of two known criminals garnered a different reaction. Alarms sounded in the heads of everyone, and got onto their feet to confront Torchwick, but suddenly, with a snap of Alaric's fingers, chains emerged from nowhere and trapped everyone where they were seated.
"Nuh-uh." Alaric said as he wagged a finger at his guests. "Can't have you all fighting in here."
"What do you think you're doing bringing that criminal here?" Glynda questioned Alaric, putting emphasis on the word "criminal" as she shot a glare at Torchwick. Everyone else, apart from Cinder and her group doing the same.
The Keeper of this Repository ignored her and went about explaining to his newest arrivals why they were here. They were of course in disbelief of how they were inside a library of the Multiverse, and that Alaric had abducted them for the sole reason of making them watch some of these universes for his own amusement. A reasonable reaction.
Alaric also explained to them that he was able to remake reality in the Repository however he wished, and was their only way back to their Remnant. To prove his claim about his power, Alaric made Cinder's minidress into a French maid dress with an accompanying featherduster in her hand. He turned Mercury's hands turn into feet and his hair pink. Emerald became younger, appearing the same as when Cinder first found her. And for Roman Torchwick, he made a x-shaped scar appear on his face and Lien fell like rain from the ceiling. Neo, he materialised a bucket of neopolitan ice cream onto her lap.
Suffice to say, they were now convinced. And after his display of considerable power, no one in the audience wanted to mess with him. Yet.
Alaric released everyone from their chains, turned his new guests and the room back to normal, though he let Neo keep her buvket of ice cream. Sat down on his chair, which he had turned into a throne of swords, and pressed play on his remote.
The TV screen opened up to a scene in a forest where a man dressed in all black, wearing an iron helmet that concealed all of his features, and a red symbol emblazoned on the front of his tabard, stood before a small bridge in the forest. Both of his hands rested on the pommel of a tall two-handed longsword that nearly reached up to his neck.
'Galloping' onscreen from the left-hand side of the TV, a bearded man wearing a white tabard over a shirt of chainmail, a crown on top of a hood also made of chainmail, and a sword at his side, entered the scene. He was accompanied by another man wearing dirty clothes and bearing a large pack on his back. The audience recognized the two men who entered the scene, even though they were far older. The man in white was Jaune, and his companion was none other than Whitely Schnee.
Jaune, however, was not riding a horse. Actually he was on foot, and pretending to be riding one. Behind him, Whitely was clapping two halves of a coconut shell to simulate the sounds of horse hooves. How Whitely got his hands on a coconut was a question some of the audience pondered.
"Hey, it's me again?" Jaune said, slightly confused. "Why am I pretending to be riding a horse?"
Pyrrha jumped in and said. "Well, no matter what. I think you look very dashing in this universe, Jaune."
"Ah, thanks Pyrrha. If we saw you in a universe, I think you'd look amazing." Jaune replied to Pyrrha, before returning his attention to the screen. He had missed the subtle way the red-haired girl said those words, and chalked it up as a simple compliment from a friend. Pyrrha was slightly miffed by this, but took heart at how Jaune had complimented her.
Neo, who was watching the interaction between the two, gagged at it before going back to watching what was going on the TV and eating spoonfulls of ice cream.
"But why is Jaune pretending to be riding a horse?" Ruby asked.
"Can't afford one." Alaric stated. Fun fact, the producers of Monty Python and the Holy Grail had an initial budget of £230,000, so they couldn't afford horses for all the cast who needed them.
Weiss and Winter, meanwhile, were shocked to see their brother. Though, they had to secretly admit to themselves, they enjoyed watching that little weasel performing the task he was doing.
Jaune and Whitely stopped before the Black Knight, the blonde man proceeding to say to him.
"You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight." The Black Knight offered no response. Jaune went ahead and continued to speak. "I am Jaune, King of the Britons."
"I'm a king?!" Jaune exclaimed. Now that was something, he, and the rest of the audience, thought they'd see during their stay here as Alaric's 'guests'.
As Cinder looked on the form of the Black Knight, she could not help but ponder on the sense of familiarity that she felt towards the Black Knight. A familiar edginess that she had only seen in one other person in her life.
'Could it be?' Cinder thought to herself. Emerald and Mercury were also experiencing this same sensation. All three took a guess of who it was. They were already seeing the blonde boy, Jaune Arc, and the youngest of the Schnee siblings onscreen. It wasn't an outlandish thought to believe that he was there as well.
Again, silence was the Black Knight's response.
Jaune glanced towards Whitely, becoming increasingly annoyed with the knight before him, before continuing to say. "I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot."
More silence.
"You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?" Silence, again. Giving up, Jaune said. "You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy."
The audience couldn't help but snicker at the mention of Whitely's name in this universe. Those who were drinking, were having a hard time swallowing whatever drink they were attempting to down.
"None shall pass." The Black Knight declared.
"What?" Jaune balked.
"None shall pass." The Black Knight repeated a second time.
"I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge."
"Then you shall die." The Black Knight said in a slow, dramatic manner.
"I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside." Jaune hotly demanded.
"I move for no man."
"So be it!" Jaune cried as he drew his sword, the Black Knight raising his own to meet Jaune's challenge.
Blake was frozen where she was. For the voice of the Black Knight was familiar to her, for she had known its owner for years. To Cinder, Emerald and Mercury, their previous guesses on the Black Knight's identity were confirmed. I am of course talking about the RWBY-verse's resident edgelord, Adam Taurus.
The cat faunus had somewhat expected to see him in one of the universes that Alaric would show them, but expecting something to happen doesn't always lessen the shock value of when it does happen.
The two men began to clash blades with each other, Adam making wide swings swings that Jaune was calmly able to block and dodge with ease. Jaune was even able to bonk Adam on the top of his restrictive helmet. As their blades clashed again, Jaune saw an opening and was able to lop Adam's left arm off.
"Now, stand aside, worthy adversary." Jaune said to Adam triumphantly. Adam looked down at his fallen left arm, and his bleeding shoulder and shockingly said. "'Tis but a scratch."
Jaune, and the audience, were stupefied by Adam's words and both parties said as one. "'A scratch'? Your arm's off."
"No, it isn't." Adam replied.
The blonde King of the Britons pointed his sword at Adam's left arm and, in disbelief of Adam, said. "Well, what's that, then?"
Adam looked to his arm and back to Jaune and said. "I've had worse."
"You liar."
"Come on, you pansy." Adam cried as he swung at Jaune with his only remaining arm.
Weiss planted her face into her right palm and said. "This is going to be as ridiculous as that alleyway shootout, isn't it?"
Yang, and a few others in the audience, disagreed with Weiss and said to the heiress. "Don't you mean hilarious, Weiss-cream?"
"What happened there?" Mercury asked the two, genuinely curious of what had happened. Alaric snapped his figures and played out the entire scene of the Mexican Shootout in his mind. The grey-themed boy was then on the floor laughing his ass off. Once he recovered from his fit of laughter, Mercury sat back onto his couch with Cinder and Emerald and said. "Oh, man. That was some quality stuff right there."
The Black Knight charged at Jaune, wielding his sword like a lance. Jaune just stepped to the side, and cut off Adam's right arm at the shoulder.
"Victory is mine" Jaune turned, knelt on one knee and began to pray. "We thank thee, Lord, that in thy-"
Unexpectedly, Adam kicked Jaune in the side of his head with the sole of his boot. Knocking the man to the forest floor. Once Jaune was downed, Adam gave Jaune another kick and said. "Come on, then."
"What?" The King and the audience uttered incredulously, and with some chuckling from the audeince. Any normal or sane person would have stopped fighting, retreated, and sought medical treatment for such fatal and life-threatening injuries. But, not this Adam apparently. Though, to be honest, their Adam might just do the same thing if he lost his arms.
"Have at you."
The blonde-haired man got onto his feet, receiving another kick from Adam as he did so and said to him "You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine."
"Oh, had enough, eh?" Adam taunted.
Jaune, incredibly annoyed now with the ridiculous levels of stubbornness this knight was displaying said. "Look, you stupid bastard! You've got no arms left."
"Yes, I have."
"Look!"
"Just a flesh wound." Adam nonchalantly replied, as he kicked Jaune again. Blood squirting from the joints where his arms had connected to his body.
Several in the audience were now openly laughing at the screen, while others were struggling to contain themselves. The situation was just so ridiculous. They had just made the most notorious member of the White Fang look like a clown.
In the midst of her laughter, Yang cried. "If I lose an arm, I'm gonna say 'It's just a flesh wound'!"
"Look, stop that."
"Chicken! Chicken!" Adam continued to taunt Jaune. Kicking him one more time.
"I'll have your leg." Jaune threatened. The Black Knight went ahead and kicked Jaune once more. "Right!"
Jaune cut off Adam's right leg. He had to declare the fight forfeit now, or at least die from bloodless. Of course, that didn't happen, as Adam went on to say. "Right! I'll do you for that."
"You'll what?" Jaune yelled in confusion as he watched Adam hop on the spot.
"Come here."
"What're you going to do? Bleed on me?"
More laughs from the audience.
"I'm invincible!" Adam cried as he harmlessly bumped his chest against Jaune, who could only respond. "You're a loony."
"The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you! Come on, then." Jaune, tired of this idiocy, went ahead and cut off Adam's left leg, the latter falling to the forest floor, limbless. The Black Knight looking towards each of his lost limbs, looked up to Jaune and declared. "All right, we'll call it a draw."
That final sentence prompted everyone to burst out laughing.
Sheathing his sword, Jaune signaled to Whitely, who had been hiding behind a tree and called out to his servant. "Come, Patsy."
Adam, believe it or not, had not given up and started to yell at the two as they passed him by and crossed the bridge. "Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"
Believing it was over, the audience were starting to compose themselves.
Cinder and her group, alongside Roman and Neo, had to admit to themselves that what they had watched was completely nonsensical, but also very amusing. The audience he were there already wordlessly agreed with each other that this was one of the funniest scenes from a universe that they had ever seen.
"Hahahaha! That was a most amusing one to witness." Port bellowed. "In fact, it almost reminds me of a similar encounter I had years ago, it was-"
"It's not over yet." Alaric declared, creating a cushioned foot stool in front of him and resting his feet on it. "There's a long way to go until we reach the end of this rabbit-hole. Hehehehe"
Sure enough, the scene on the TV had changed and they now saw Jaune, and four other men dressed like him, though they bore shields, stood before a high-walled, stone castle, accompanied by servants dressed and bearing packs just like Whitely, or 'Patsy' as he was known as in this world. The knights with King Jaune were his noble knight of Camelot.
A knight in white and blue wore a helmet, but there was an opening large enough to seen most of his face through a cage-like visor. The audience could see the familiar face of Ren, though he had a moustache on his face, he was still recognizable.
Another knight, shorter than the rest, wore a white tabard with a red cross on it. He had tan skin, his face was freckled, and had unkempt black hair. This was the Oscar Pine of this universe.
The third and tallest knight wore black and white, his chainmail hood covered the entirety of his head apart from his face. This knight was Yatsuhashi.
The last, and the least of the knights, wore white and green and had his chainmail hood up as well. His orange hair made him recognizable as none other than Cardin Winchester. Interestingly, emblazoned onto the front of his shield, the audience saw a giant chicken painted on it.
"Hello!" Jaune called up to the castle's walls. There was a long pause, Jaune called up to the wall again. "Hello!"
Appearing on the wall, the familiar face of Roman Torchwick emerged. Dressed in black, and wearing chainmail and a steel helmet on his heat. He also had a curly moustache on his face. The orange-haired man noticed the men below and called down to them in a French accent. "Hello. Who is it?"
Roman's eyebrows rose in surprise upon seeing and hearing his other self. His pint-sized accomplice was silently laughing at how her boss was portrayed in this universe. She'd never seen Roman with a moustache before, and had grown accustomed to the manner he spoke. Seeing and hearing him here was very hilarious to her, a feeling shared by others in the audience who laughed at Roman's expense.
"Is that seriously how I look and sound?" Roman complained, trying to ignore the laughs from Neo, Ruby and her friends. Alaric chuckled and said. "Oh yeah. If you think this is weird, I could show you the universe where your genders are reversed. You want to? It's very funny."
"We'll... take your word for it." Ironwood answered.
"It is King Jaune, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?"
Roman replied. "This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard."
"Go an tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he gives us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail."
"Holy Grail? What's that?" Ozpin asked, curious for it sounded like a valuable artifact. Cinder was also curious, while Roman listened in as well because it sounded valuable and might be worth a few Lien.
"It's an artefact of immense religious importance to one of this universe's many faiths. And before any of you say anything, King Jaune and his knights actually were charged by their god to go and find it." Alaric explained.
"Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?" Roman called down to the knights below, prompting confusion to bloom amongst them.
"What?" Jaune shouted up at Roman.
"He says they've already got one." Oscar reiterated what Roman had said. The King looked back up and asked Roman. "Are you sure he's got one."
"Oh yes, it's very nice." Roman replied before looking to his right. There, hiding behind the walls of the castle were three others, each one dressed in the same manner as Roman was. They was Neo, Mercury and Emerald. Mercury also having a curly moustache just like Roman. "I told him we already got one."
All four snickered to themselves at how they were playing King Jaune and his Knights as fools.
Cinder and her group were immediately alarmed for this scene was implying their secret connections with Roman Torchwick. Oddly enough however, the rest of the audience had not reacted the way they thought they would. They could see that Qrow was sending them suspicious looks, but everyone else had not really come to the realization that they and Roman were working together.
'Lucky you, right?' A disembodied voice said in Cinder's mind. It was Alaric's voice, she looked towards him and saw him sitting silently on his throne. Had the Keeper had spoken to her telepathically? She didn't want to believe it. It was bad enough that he had abducted her and her minions and forced them into this ridiculous situation. But to have him probing around her thoughts was intolerable.
'There could be worse things I could do to you, Cindy. I could force your nervous system to experience what it is like to feel several torrents of fire engulf your entire body. I could chain you to a rock and have an eagle feast on your liver for all eternity. Or I could turn you into a brain-dead thrall whose only purpose is to execute my every command. And those are some of the more moderate things I could do.' Alaric's voice spoke in her head again.
Cinder looked at Alaric, her eyes wide in anger and some dread. Alaric gave her a sideways look with one eye and winked at her before returning to watch the TV.
Jaune looked awkwardly towards each of his companions and asked Roman. "Uh, um... Can we come up and have a look?"
"Of course not! You are English-types." "Well what are you then?"
"I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?"
"Is that really the accent of French people? It feels kind of... exaggerated." Pyrrha asked Alaric, who only shrugged and replied. "In most universes, that would be true. Roman's accent her is part of a stereotypical caricature of the French. In this one universe, however that's a different story."
"What are you doing in England?" Oscar called up to Roman, who immediately snapped back at the young knight. "Mind your own business!"
"If you do not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!" Jaune threatened Roman.
"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Jaune King. You and all your silly English K'nnigets." Roman taunted Jaune and his knights, and then went on to blow a raspberry at them several times while patting the top of his helmet in mockery.
Oscar looked to Jaune and remarked. "What a strange person."
Jaune, trying to be polite but nearing his wit's end, said. "Now look here, my good man-"
"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries."
The Roman in the audience let a small smile appear on his face and said. "Well, at least I'm creative."
Ozpin raised a brow at the other Roman's insults. He hadn't heard someone use those kinds of insults in centuries.
"Is there someone else up there we could talk to?" Oscar asked.
"No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time."
"Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable..."
As Jaune spoke, Roman turned towards his goons and said to them in French. "Fetchez la vache!"
"Quoi?" Mercury questioned in the same language, Roman turned back to face him and repeated himself. "Fetchez la vache!"
"What did we say?" Roman asked Alaric.
Alaric's mouth grew into a wide grin behind his mask and translated for everyone what the other universe's Roman had said. "'Fetch the cow!'"
"What?" Everyone cried. Sure enough, two men leading a cow emerged from a doorway inside the castle.
"If you do not agree to my command, then I shall-" A 'boing' sound was heard from inside the castle, and the cow that the Roman had ordered his goons to fetch was launched over the castle walls by a catapult and began to plummet towards Jaune and his knights. Seeing this, Jaune and his knights began to scatter, the blonde king shouting in alarm. "JESUS CHRIST!"
"Crikey!" Jaune cried as the cow nearly crushed him, but fell onto one of the servants instead. Roman laughed from atop the walls as Jaune and his knights inspected the fallen cow. Undaunted by the Roman and the French's cow-catapulting, Jaune turned to his men, drew his sword and yelled. "Right. Charge!"
"They can't be serious, right? They don't have anything to properly take that castle." Emerald questioned the strategic capabilities, and intelligence, of the other Jaune, who was attacking a castle without any siege-weapons.
"Try not to ask too many questions." Neptune jumped in, quickly checking out Emerald. "A lot of these universes are weird like this."
King Jaune and his valiant Knights of the Round Table, charged at the high stone-walls of the castle. And I mean at the walls, almost directly underneath where Roman and his goons were stood. Armed with nothing but swords and shields. Some in the audience were starting to think that this universe resembled a low-budget comedy film than real life.
Once they were ten paces from the castle's walls, the French started to, not fire arrows at them, but toss food and other animals at them. From goats, cats, dogs, rabbits, chickens and ducks. All of them still alive. Being bombarded by a blistering hail of food and various species of animals, and seeing that they could not breach the walls of the castle with swords alone, Jaune turned away from the castle and called out to his men. "Run away! Run away!"
As they beat a hasty retreat, still enduring Roman's tactic of 'throwing-everything-in-the-castle-at-the-enemy' the screen turned black.
"That was... interesting." Cinder commented, keeping an eye fixed on Alaric. As much as she despised him, she could not help but feel envious of the Keeper, particularly of the powers he wielded.
"It was quite the thing to see." Pyrrha added.
"There's still more to see. Much more." Alaric interjected before anyone could say another word. Nora, who was gobbling handfuls of popcorn whole, jumped on her seat a bit in excitement and cried. "Yes, more! The Queen of the Castle demands it!"
Jaune and his company were journeying through a rocky land, their number had grown. With them were three more knights, and a carriage pulled by a trio of people dressed in white and black robes and gave off a pious air. As they "galloped" through the land, an explosion erupted from a nearby cliff. The procession stopped and gasped at this, yet they steeled their hearts are "rode" onwards towards the source of the explosions. And they found it.
Atop a tall rock formation, a figure clad in heavy green robes stood. With gestures of their hands, they summoned fiery explosions on nearby outcrops of stone. Two of these explosions were accompanied by what the audience recognized as fireworks that flew some distance into the open air before they themselves exploded. The distant figure then, with a flourish of his arms, disappeared in another explosion, then reappeared before them in a puff of white smoke. He went on to summon more, yet smaller, explosions on the ground around him.
"Rather dramatic this person, isn't he?" Glynda voiced her thoughts.
Awed by the robed man's explosive feats, King Jaune asked the stranger. "What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?"
"I..." The stranger turned around to face Jaune and his knights. "...am an enchanter."
The moment the audience laid eyes on the "enchanter's" face and heard his voice, they could only say one word. "Ozpin?!"
Indeed, it was the Headmaster of Beacon. This version of him though, possessed a beard that reached down to his chest. Wore, or at least the audience thought he was wearing, a pair of curved goat-like horns on the sides of his head. And in the place of his cane, he held a tall wooden staff. His appearance and actions thus far gave the impression that he was an eccentric sorcerer who lived in the wilds. They also detected that this Ozpin possessed a noticeable accent.
"Wow. This version of you makes me look like an angel." Roman remarked, his words addressed towards Ozpin. Those in the audience not Neo and of Cinder's group gave him dirty looks for the comment made about the Headmaster.
Ruby threw a popcorn kernel at the Roman's head and stuck her tongue out at him.
"By what name are you known? Jaune questioned Ozpin the Enchanter.
"There are some who call me... Tim."
The audience erupted into laughter. Apart from Ozpin who looked blankly at the screen, everyone was laughing or at least trying to contain their laughter at the revelation of the other Ozpin's name. Even Zwei seemed to have joined in.
"Greetings, Tim the Enchanter!" Jaune politely greeted Tim the Enchanter, taking a step forward as he did so.
"Greetings, King Jaune." Tim replied.
Jaune took a step back, shocked that Tim knew his name and asked as such. "You know my name?"
"I do." Ozpin picked up his staff with both hands, pointed the bottom end towards the empty air to his right and made a quick torrent of fire burst from the staff. He returned his gaze towards Jaune and his knights and declared. "You seek the Holy Grail."
"That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O' Tim."
"Quite." Ozpin turned to his left and aimed the top end of his staff at a dead tree nearby. To the amazement of the Knights of Camelot and the audience, a small rocket shot from the staff and exploded as it struck the tree. Engulfing it in flames. Jaune's knights went ahead and applauded Tim.
"That is awesome! Ren, do you think I can make explosions and fire if I point hard enough at stuff? You know what, I'm going to try it right now!" Nora declared as she started pointing a finger everywhere. Thankfully for everyone in the room, no matter how determined she was to make one, no explosions were created.
"Nora, please sit down." Ren calmly said to his friend.
Qrow looked skeptically at the screen. The flames and the missile shot from Tim's staff looked kind of like cheap movie-effects. "Y'know, those remind me of those special effects from those old movies we used to watch during movie nights in Beacon."
"Yes, we are looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail." Jaune said to Tim, only a slightly bit nervous. His knights affirmed their King's words. Tim, however, remained silent and still. Jaune continued and said. "And so we're looking for it."
"We have been for some time." Ren said. From behind him, Cardin spoke up as well. "Ages."
Tim remained silent.
"Is this going to be like that whole Black Knight affair all over again?" Weiss questioned.
"So, anything you could do to help would be... very... helpful."
"Look, can you tell us where-?" Oscar strode past Jaune and neared Tim. The Enchanter summoned a small explosion of fire that lightly singed the young knight's right shin. Forcing him to retreat back to his comrades.
Cowed by Tim the Enchanter's powers of... um, enchanting... fire(?). And wishing to get back on track with their quest to find the Holy Grail. King Jaune began to stutteringly speak to Tim of the quest for the Grail. Well, tried to anyway. "Fine, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but I don't suppose you tell us where we might find a... find a... a, uh..."
"A what?"
"A g... A g..."
"A Grail?" Tim roared. Jaune and his company took a step back at Tim's sudden outburst, the King answering. "Yes, I think so."
"Yes!" Tim turned away from the group and summoned four more explosions on a nearby slope.
"Rather much, is it not?" Oobleck whispered over to Port.
Cinder personally thought that this Ozpin was a charlatan, and was in no way capable of creating those explosions.
"Look, you're a busy man-" Jaune was interrupted by Tim as the Enchanter faced him again and walked up to Jaune and his group.
"Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail." Tim the Enchanter began. "To the north lies a cave. The Cave of Caerbannog. Wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged…"
Tim waved his free hand towards the clouds above them. A thunderous explosion that echoed across the lands followed shortly after. "...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail."
Okay, this Ozpin was very dramatic. This all of the audience could agree on. Thank goodness he wasn't crazy.
"Where could we find this cave, o' Tim?" Jaune asked.
"Follow!" The Enchanter began to lead them onwards, but abruptly turned back to face Jaune and his company and continued to speak. "But follow only if ye be men of valour. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man who has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So brave knight, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth."
Tim then brought his free hand before his mouth and attempted to imitate the teeth of this monster with his fingers. It wasn't really a very impressive impression. Jaune turning his head to the side and saying to his companions. "What an eccentric performance."
Right. That previous statement? Completely taking it back. Everyone in the audience now saw that this Ozpin was only a slightly bit crazy. Not so far into the deep-end of the swimming pool that he could be considered to be no longer in the swimming pool. But crazy nonetheless.
Ironwood leaned over to his friend, an amused look on his face, and whispered to Ozpin. "Oz. Were you, ever like this?"
Ozpin, still bearing that blank look on his face, looked at Ironwood and whispered in response. "No James, I was in no way like this at any point of my life."
Really, the Headmaster of Beacon was really starting to feel that there was someone out there that enjoyed watching him suffer.
After a quick scene change. Tim, King Jaune and his Knights of Camelot were hiding behind an outcrop of stone that overlooked the entrance of a dark cave. The sound of heavy breathing could be heard coming from within the cave. Tim gestured to the mouth of the cave and declared to the knights in a low voice. "Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!"
"Right, keep me covered." Jaune ordered his companions as he drew his sword and made to approach the cave. Oscar asked. "What with?"
Jaune looked at Oscar, and shook his head as he said. "Just keep me covered."
"Too late. There he is!" Tim whispered, drawing everyone's attention to the cave entrance. The audience too focused their gaze on the cave, wondering just what monster it was that lived within and was responsible for the deaths of fifty men. Emerging from the darkness of the cave was...
"It's a cute, little bunny rabbit!" Ruby squealed.
Some of the audience awed at the appearance of the rabbit. It was just so fluffy and innocent.
Coco wrapped an arm around Velvet's shoulders and said aloud. "Aw, that little rabbit is so cute. Almost as cute as our little Velvet here."
The audience were also confused. Nothing else had exited the cave, but Tim seemed very certain that the monster was approaching. Then a thought came to mind. Was the fluffy white bunny...? No, there was no way that the rabbit could possibly be the terrifying guardian of the cave.
Confused as the audience was, Jaune asked Tim. "Where?"
"There." Tim hissed as he pointed at the rabbit.
Jaune was still confused and questioned the Enchanter. "What, behind the rabbit?"
"It is the rabbit." Tim whispered.
Okay, the audience all now agreed that this Ozpin was very likely over the deep-end. There was no way that that cute, little rabbit could be the monster that Tim had spoken off.
Jaune and his knights looked at Tim with incredulous looks on their faces, before Jaune went ahead and shouted. "You silly sod!"
"What?"
"You got us worked up." Jaune continued to shout.
"That's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on."
"You tit! I soiled my armour. I was so scared." Cardin cried, prompting King Jaune to look with disgust at Cardin and the audience to chuckle a bit.
Tim attempted to convince the knights the truth behind his words and said. "Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer!"
"Yeah, I'm also finding a hard time believing this guy." Sun remarked, everyone agreeing with the monkey faunus. There was one person in the audience though that had a rather different opinion of the white rabbit.
Neo.
The ice-cream themed henchwoman eyed the rabbit carefully, looking into its eyes with a scrutinizing gaze. After a moment, Neo came to a conclusion. This rabbit was probably one of the deadliest creatures she had ever laid eyes upon. A killer that eclipsed the Creatures of Grimm in their hate and killer instincts. She kept quiet about it, not that she could speak in the first place anyway, and waited for her fellow audience members' reactions once the killing started.
"Get stuffed." Oscar grunted. The old man turned and snapped at the young man. "He'll do you up a treat, mate!"
"Yeah?"
"You manky Scots git!" Cardin spoke. Tim looked back at him and said to the orange-haired man. "I'm warning you."
Cardin continued on. "What's he do? Nibble your bum?"
"He's got huge, sharp... It can leap about... Look at the bones!"
Jaune nodded at Tim and looked towards one of the new knights in his company and ordered. "Go on, Fox, chop its head off."
Indeed it was the dark-skinned and white-eyed member of Team CFVY. Fox put a helmet over his head and cooly said. "Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up."
Fox drew his sword, brought up his shield and strode confidently towards the rabbit. Once he was near the furry little creature, Tim pointed towards them and cried out. "Look!"
The white-furred rabbit leapt at Fox and attacked him, going for his neck. The rabbit made quick work of Fox and was somehow able to decapitate him.
Everyone in the audience, apart from Neo and Alaric, were horrified by Fox's sudden death. It was just so out of the blue and there was blood everywhere. The Fox in the audience rubbed his throat and gulped after watching the other version of himself die in such a way.
"W-What? What the hell?" Velvet quivered in her seat. Seeing Fox die in such a frightful manner shook her to the core, and by a cure bunny rabbit no less.
"Jesus Christ!" Jaune cried out in shock and fear. Tim saying. "I warned you!"
"I've done it again." Cardin timidly squeaked. Tim going on to rant. "I warned you. But did you listen to me? No, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always-"
"Oh, shut up!" Jaune shouted at Tim.
Tim ignored the king and went on with his rant. "Do they listen to me? Oh no."
Jaune stood up, drew his sword and yelled loudly. "Right. Charge!"
Sure enough, King Jaune and his knights went on to charge at the rabbit-monster, swords drawn and shields raised. The killer-rabbit was unafraid of the numerical advantage it faced and leapt between the knights, biting away at them with its nasty, big, pointy teeth. The fluffy creature of death was small and fast, it zipped past the knights with ease, killing the two other knights who had not been with King Jaune at the castle of French-Taunting.
Seeing that they were no match for the monster, Jaune gave the order to retreat to his surviving knights. "Run away! Run away!"
The 'brave' knights of Camelot hastily withdrew from the fight. Cardin being at the front of their disorganized retreat, and even casting aside his shield so he could run faster. Tim laughed at the knights and walked away, not bothering the help King Jaune and his knights.
"C'mon! Help them!" Ruby yelled, frustrated that Tim did not even offer to help them fight the killer-rabbit.
"Eh, after what they said to him. I don't blame him for not wanting to help, Ruby." Yang reasoned.
"Right. How many did we lose?" Jaune asked his surviving companions.
"Sage." Yatsuhashi replied.
"Sky." Oscar added.
"And Fox. That's five."
"Three, sir." Oscar corrected Jaune.
"Three. Three." Jaune acknowledged his mistake and continued. "We'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite."
"Aw man. One of them was Sage? Not cool man." Sun groaned, having not realized one of the knights had in fact been one of his teammates and friend. Those who cared were also saddened by Fox's death, and no one really cared too much or at all about Sky. Those who were aware of the guy felt like he was only a minor character in their series... of events that made up their lives.
Cardin stood up and proposed a questionable suggestion. "Would it, help to confuse it if we ran aware more?"
The audience frowned at Cardin's cowardice. They now understood why he had a chicken painted onto the front of his shield and emblazoned onto the front of his tabard.
"Some knight you are." Coco mumbled with a disapproving tone.
Jaune instantly disagreed with Cardin and ordered him about. "Shut up and change your armour."
An idea formed in Oscar's head and he spoke. "Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
"Like what?" Jaune questioned.
"Well..." Oscar began, but couldn't find an answer to his king's question. Another poor idea.
"Have we got bows?" Yatsuhashi asked, Jaune instantly replied saying. "No."
A look of realization formed on Yatsuhashi's face and he proposed another idea. "We have the Holy Hand Grenade."
"The what?!" Blake immediately questioned. Did they just say hand grenade? Weren't they in a Medieval setting?
"Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. It's one of the sacred relics Brother Oobleck carries with him." King Jaune turned towards the rest of their procession and called to the three religious looking people who were part of their procession. "Brother Oobleck! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade."
The trio of religous individuals, with much reverence and some ceremony, took a small wooden box from their carriage. They walked down to the knights and handed the box over to Ren, who held it as Jaune opened the box and revealed its contents. A gilded orb with adorned with a cross ornament.
"Is that the hand grenade?" Emerald queried. It looked nothing like a grenade, looking more like a religious or even royal symbol of office.
Roman and Neo eyed it closely, trying to gauge how much the 'Holy Hang Grenade' was worth.
Jaune looked curiously at the orb and asked. "How does it... How does it work?"
"I know not, my liege." Yatsuhashi responded.
"Consult the Book of Armaments." Jaune cried.
"Armaments chapter 2: verses 9-21." Oobleck spoke in a reverent manner to the nun beside him carrying a large hard-backed book, who was in fact Nora.
"Hey look it's me!" Nora bounced on her team's couch.
Oobleck and Blake rose an eyebrow. A seemingly religious text dedicated to armaments? That was something they hadn't thought they would ever hear about.
Meanwhile, Ruby leaned in forwards. Weapon nut that she was, the red-hooded teenager was excited to hear what the 'Book of Armaments' had inside of it. And wondered on what else could be in it.
"And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and the sloths and the carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and-"
"Skip a bit, Sister." Brother Oobleck interrupted Nora, who skipped a couple paragraphs and continued to read aloud.
"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou no count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
As Sister Nora finished, Brother Oobleck said. "Amen."
"Amen." King Jaune and his knights chorused.
"Is that thing serious?" Blake remarked. She turned to Alaric.
Upon laying eyes on the Keeper, Blake and other members of the audience saw him holding a copy of the Book of Armaments from the universe onscreen and going over some of its contents. Seeing the audience's attention directed at him, Alaric closed the book and said. "Hmmm, don't mind me. I was just going over how a man from that world named William the Conqueror used the Righteous Minigun of Decimation on-"
"I don't think we need to know anymore about this universe than we already do." Pyrrha interrupted. Three people in the audience disagreed.
"NO! Tell me more!" Ruby cried out.
"'Righteous Minigun of Decimation,' eh? Sounds interesting." Coco thought aloud.
And Nora leapt from her couch and made a grab for the Book of Armaments. Alaric pulled it away from her, and the excitable girl fell face first onto the ground. "I want to read it! Is there a grenade launcher in it? Ooh, a grenade launcher that shoots explosive hammers that explode into smaller explosive hammers that explode so hard that they create hammers that explode something's molecules when they hit them?"
Everyone in the audience looked at Nora as if she had two heads. The girl just smiled back at them all.
"Friend of Ruby's, Nora Valkyrie, I don't think that's really possible. It goes against all laws of (Insert name of field of science here for I don't know what that would be under)." Penny spoke up.
"Yeah, uh, you're absolutely correct Penny." Alaric reinforce Penn's words. Carefully avoiding looking into people's eyes as he said that. There was no way in Hell was he going to show them the universe where Nora actually did create a weapon just like how she had described, and, in that same universe, created a scientific formula that undeniably proved how her universe was in fact a gigantic pancake.
Super genius Nora was scary in Alaric's eyes.
"Right." Jaune looked towards the killer-bunny and pulled the cross off of the orb and counted. "One, two, five."
"Three, sir!" Oscar corrected.
"Three!" Jaune parroted and threw the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards the killer-bunny. It was a good throw by the blonde-haired king, falling close to the killer-bunny and bouncing once right at its paws and exploded. Killing the terrible killer-bunny.
"Is it over?" Weiss groaned.
"Not yet, kiddo. Not yet." Alaric replied.
Jaune decided to voice his mind on something he had noticed about this counterpart of his. "Uh, is it me or does it sound like this version of... uh, me keep on mixing up the number three with five?"
"It's him." The Keeper answered.
Another screen change, and the audience saw Jaune and his surviving knights emerge from the mouth of cave. Jaune looked onwards and called to his knights. "There it is! The Bridge of Death."
The camera changed to show them a wide gorge, which could only be traversed by an old wood-and-rope bridge.
"Oh, great." Cardin muttered.
"Look, there's the old man form before." King Jaune stated as they saw a figure stood at their end of the Bridge of Death.
"What's he doing here?" Ren quizzically asked.
"He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five questions." Jaune explained.
"Three questions." Oscar, again, corrected his sovereign.
"He who answers the five questions-" The king was corrected once more. "Three questions may cross in safety."
"What if you get a question wrong?" Cardin asked. "Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril."
"Really cheery names, huh?" Mercury commented on the names of the bridge and the gorge below.
"Oh, wacko." The orange-haired knight said.
"Who's going to answer the questions?" Jaune offered his knights, though he immediately went ahead and decided who should. "Sir Cardin?"
"Yes?" Cardin timidly asked. "Brave Sir Cardin, you go."
"Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Yatsuhashi go?" Cardin proposed. In response, Yatsuhashi enthusiastically made to get past the others and said.
"Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed." "I shall make a feint to the northeast-"
Jaune stopped his best knight and ordered him to restrain himself. "No. Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions- ("Three questions." "Why do I keep saying five?") -three questions, as best you can. And we shall watch and pray."
"I understand, my liege." Yatsuhashi acknowledged his king's command and proceeded towards the bridge. Jaune wished him well. "Good luck, brave Sir Yatsuhashi. God be with you."
Yatsuhashi approached the Bridgekeeper, who looked like a aged and rather ugly looking Tyrian Callows. A fiery explosion erupted nearby and the Bridgekeeper rose up his hand in a stopping gesture.
"Stop!" The Bridgekeeper yelled to Yatsuhashi, who stopped where he stood. The old man went on an said. "Who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three. Ere the other side he see."
Cinder frowned at the sight of the Bridgekeeper, who was the Tyrian Callows of this universe. He annoyed her in her universe, but now she had a mental image of this Tyrian's ugly face in her head now. Well, it would help drive her to get rid of him even more so than she already desired to.
"Good luck Yatsuhashi." Velvet wished her friend well.
"Thank you Velvet." The giant of a man in the audience replied for his counterpart.
Bravely, Yatsuhashi replied. "Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid."
"What is your name?"
"My name is Sir Yatsuhashi of Camelot."
"What is your quest?"
"To seek the Holy Grail."
"What is your favourite colour?
"Blue." Yatsuhashi answered the third and final question. Once the answer passed through his lips, the Bridgekeeper stepped aside and said, in a light-hearted tone. "Right. Off you go."
Yatsuhashi hesitated for a moment, looking at the Bridgekeeper and the Bridge of Death itself. After a moment's silence, Yatsuhashi walked towards the Bridge of Death and thanked the Bridgekeeper. "Well, thank you. Thank you very much."
The audience were well and truly baffled by this. Was that it? Were people just asked their name, their quest and their favourite colour? This universe, though hilarious and some points, was very difficult for their minds to properly process. They all began to suspect a trap. There was no way that this would be that easy. The Bridge of Death was probably going to collapse under Yatsuhashi, or some vile monseter would attack him as soon as he crossed.
The rest of the Knights of Camelot looked on in amazement at how easily Yatsuhashi answered the Bridgekeeper's rather easy questions, and watched him safely cross the Bridge of Death with no sign of any threat falling upon him once he was on the other side.
"That's easy." Cardin cried out, finding his 'courage' upon seeing the ease of Yatsuhashi's answering of the Bridgekeeper's questions and rushed forward towards the Bridgekeeper. The rest of the knights following closely behind him.
Just like when Yatsuhashi approached him, the Bridgekeeper Cardin and the knights. "Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three. Ere the other side he see."
Confidently stepping forward, Cardin said to the old Bridgekeeper. "Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid."
"I bet he soiled his pants again, earlier." Coco smirked, causing her teammates to lightly chuckle at her words.
"What is your name?"
"Sir Cardin of Camelot."
"What is your quest?
"To seek the Holy Grail."
"What is the capital of Assyria?" Was the final question posed to Cardin by the Bidgekeeper. Cardin, and the audience, were caught off guard by the question, and both parties were ignorant to what the answer was. An ignorance that would cost Cardin dearly.
"I don't know that!" Cardin exclaimed. And with those words, the knight was sent flying into the Gorge of Eternal Peril by an unseen force. What happened to Cardin was not show, but judging from the sounds that followed his disappearance into the Gorge of Eternal Peril, it was probably very messy.
That was unexpected, was the general thoughts of the audience. Then a question came to mind. What was capital of this country named 'Assyria'?
This time, Oscar stopped forward. The Bridgekeeper stopping him as he had done Yatsuhashi and Cardin. "Stop! What is your name?"
"Sir Oscar of Camelot."
"What is your quest?"
"I seek the Grail."
"What is your favourite colour?"
That should have been an easy question to answer, but Oscar's mind slipped and said. "Blue. No. Yellow!"
Too late. As Oscar said the word "yellow", he too was flung into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
"Eh, my favourite colour's green actually." Oscar uttered.
Ozpin looked at Oscar and pondered more on what the significance was behind this farmhand. Was it mere coincidence that both of their names started with the later 'O,' and that they both liked the colour green?
King Jaune and Sir Ren watched Oscar fell into the gorge, once he was out of sight, Jaune stepped boldly forwards and was stopped by the Bridgekeeper. "Stop! What is your name?"
"It is Jaune, King of the Britons."
"What is your quest?"
"To seek the Grail."
"What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" The Bridgekeeper questioned Jaune.
"What do you mean? An African or European swallow?" Jaune went ahead and asked the Bridgekeeper.
The Bridgekeeper was confused by Jaune's question, and finding that he had no answer, replied. "I don't know that."
And, with those words, the Bridgekeeper of the Bridge of Death was hurled by whatever powers ruled this strange land into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. Suffering the same fate that had befallen those who had failed to correctly answer his questions.
Ren looked to Jaune and asked. "How do you know so much about swallows?"
"Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know." Jaune calmly replied as he and Ren walked off-screen towards the Bridge of Death.
The screen darkened until all was black.
Seeing that it was finally over, the audience tried to form words to describe their thoughts on what they had seen. Obviously, the absolute absurdness of what this universe made that task a bit difficult.
The elder of the Schnee siblings, Winter, spoke up first. "That was... odd. Very, very, very odd."
"On that, Ice Queen, we can agree. But sure was funny, right?" Qrow added. Winter looked away and said. "It had it's moments."
"Well I think it was very amusing." Pyrrha spoke up.
As they were discussing their thoughts, a question came to mind. A question that gnawed at them from within.
"Where'd they get the coconut shells?" Yatsuhashi wondered aloud.
"Probably found them somewhere." Roman replied as he lit a cigar and put it to his mouth.
"In that country? No way! Coconuts are tropical." Sun butted in.
"What if they were carried?" Mercury joined the conversation. Emerald facepalmed and grumbled under her breath. "Please don't join this stupidity."
Taiyang too jumped into the argument and said. "By what? Swallows?"
The debate when onwards, until they were all discussing the weight ratio of sparrows and coconuts, different species of sparrows, and how a sparrow could possibly carry a coconut in the first place. Watching this debate, Keeper Alaric could only saw two words.
"Oh no."
Right, this was quite the chapter to right.
Don't know which one to do next. I'm gonna get the second chapter of my second fanfic published after this one, and then I'll work on what universe to do after this one.
I'll see you all when I next see you!
