Chapter Eleven

Let Me Feel What I'm Feelin' Tonight

Part I

After that we didn't clean and we didn't talk. I held Lauren for a while, while she cried. Eventually I walked her to her room and laid her down in bed, handing her the stuft dog and tucking her in. I laid with her and held her from behind until I could hear her breathing slow and calm. She smelled good and I felt horrible. I didn't know if she really wanted me there. I didn't know anything, not anything at all.

All I knew was that I hadn't treated her well since the moment she stepped through my door last year. And to think she had… She had tried to…

I couldn't think about it, I held back my own foolish tears.

I guess we had both lost a parent but I was young enough not to know as much back then. I couldn't imagine losing my mom when I was in my teens when I was old enough to comprehend all that was happening to me. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if that had happened to me. Just as I couldn't imagine what else Lauren was keeping from me. Things had to be pretty bad for her to… I kept thinking it and then pushing it out.

As soon as I could feel she was asleep I snuck out of her room and went outside to walk around in the dark. The feelings had been much too strong. They screamed in my head while I was with her.

The room had felt so stuffy. I was suffocating in there with all my thoughts. Once outside, I walked and walked and walked. Mostly I just did circles around the block watching the lights go on and off and hearing the people inside with their televisions on and their laughter booming. Some houses were dark just like mine but there was one house with a large party going late into the night.

I thought about Lauren and ran a little in the night.

But eventually it started to rain. I went back inside and started a fire just to distract myself. Summer storms were electric somehow. I opened the curtains so that I could watch it all outside, the lightening and the rain.

I listened to Lauren's MP3 on low and drank the rest of the champagne slowly, wishing I could forget.

As much as I wanted not to repeat my mistakes I wanted more to forget them, the ones I couldn't take back.

I checked my phone around 1:30 am. I wasn't tired. I was a little drunk. I wanted to write Karma a letter or call her but it'd be wrong. I wanted to do all sorts of things. Like run away.

Then there was Lauren. I couldn't leave.

I thought about walking to Karma's and I had almost done it in the rain. I started and turned back several times. I kept thinking, but what if Lauren wakes up? It was enough to turn me around.

She shouldn't be alone. I stayed.

I was nodding off at last when I heard the latch catch and the front door slowly open.

I sat up quickly to see her. She was standing there, drenched, hugging herself in my door way.

"Amy?" She called softly, tears flooding her eyes.

"Karma?" I walked to her and noticed. She was soaked to the bone. I took a hand to her arm and pulled her gently inside. "What are you doing?" I wanted to tell her she was crazy but that would've been me at her door if it hadn't been for the crazy night I had.

"I'm sorry I don't know why I'm here, I just couldn't breathe and then I was walking and I was outside for so long just wondering what I should do."

"Shhhhh…" I said, pulling her in for a hug. I held her in my arms and felt relief. We had been thinking the exact same thing. Feeling the exact same way. It was insane. We were fucking insane.

I held her and felt close in so many ways.

"I don't know what I'm feeling I don't know what to do," she rambled, shaking.

"Shhhh, you don't have to do anything," I comforted, pulling her wet hair away from her face. We'd been through this before but somehow this time I felt like we both knew more. "Come on," I said, pulling her with me to the bathroom. I put the toilet seat down and had her sit. She watched me sadly as I turned on the bath and poured bubbles into it. "You're cold, you should warm up."

"I'm sorry I left earlier," she said almost desperately.

"Karma, it's okay…" I held at her shoulder and felt that she was shaking. I didn't know if it was because she was cold or because she was scared.

"Will you stay," she asked, as I turned to leave.

"Sure, if you want," I said. I looked to the empty wall across from where she was sitting and I slid down it, falling to sit on the ground.

"Every time I try to leave you I just end up hating myself," she said.

"Please don't," I said. "You don't have to feel that way. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here."

She didn't even want me to leave the room. She didn't even want me to be ten feet away.

She stood up shakily and began to undress. I looked down at my hands and held my knees in close trying not to feel weird.

I heard her slip into the bath and sigh.

"Thanks," she said.

"It's fine." Was it fine?

She started to sing a slow song and I closed my eyes, smiling into the soothing sound of her voice.

"I love that song,"I sighed.

"I know," she smiled. I looked over and noticed her.

"Oh good, you stopped crying."

"For now at least."

"Is it crazy I kept checking my phone?"

"It's not… I did it too." There was a long while where we didn't speak. I thought about how we had both been outside trying to resist. We had both had our phones and we desperately stared at them just hoping. We were so crazy.

"Lauren told me about something just now," I said, trying to rid myself of the Karma thoughts. "It was kinda scary."

"What do you mean?" Karma asked, moved to the side of the tub and resting her arms on the side and her chin on her arms.

"I think… I think she tried to kill herself." It was a weird thing to mention off-hand. A weird thing to just say. I couldn't stop thinking about it though. Not even with Karma here and refusing to leave my side.

"Whoa…" Karma said, moving back and laying down again in the tub.

"I know…" I said, looking away. It was heavy.

"I told her about the doctor and she made me dinner."

"God, you guys are domestic."

"We are," I smirked looking away from her and trying not to blush.

"Why would she?" Karma was going to finish the sentence but she couldn't.

"She wouldn't say. She didn't even say it really, I could just tell."

"I can't believe that.. God, I'm such a bitch…"

"No, don't." This wasn't about that. I wasn't telling her so that she'd be nicer to her. "You can't act like you know. She'll kill me, please-"

"Amy, its fine. I won't act different."

"Sorry…" I kinda wigged out. "I just have a feeling if she knows I told you she'd never speak to me again." Uck. It would be just like me to fuck it all up.

"I can't believe how close you guys are."

She moved her hands around in the water.

"Is it weird?" She asked.

"No, it's nice." I confessed.

"I used to want a sister but then I got you," she smiled. I smiled back. She turned sideways in her tub and held the loofa up over her shoulder. I moved up and took it, taking the soapy water up and scrubbing her back. "Mmmmm," she hummed. It was the first time we had been quiet long enough to relax I think.

"Mmmm," I hummed back sleepily.

"Can I sleep with you?" She asked. "I don't think I can sleep alone."

"I'd reeeeally like that," I said. It had been all I wanted to do after the doctor. I just wanted to go into my room and fall asleep together on my bed. In some ways I wished we had done that. Maybe Lauren wouldn't be so sad? Maybe Karma wouldn't be so lost? I dunno… It was hard to think about it now.

Suddenly I remembered that I had talked to Liam. It felt weird not saying it.

"Liam called me," I said, clearing my throat.

"He did?" Karma seemed surprised.

"Yeah, he left a message first. It was sweet. You should listen to it."

"I dunno," she said, seeming hurt and uninterested.

"He wanted to make sure I was okay."

"Wait, so you talked to him?"

"Yeah, actually. He asked me out for coffee," I chuckled and she held at my hand on her shoulder, squeezing it.

"That's pretty cute," she said.

"I turned him down of course and said I was fine. I told him that you knew already and that I'd never want to have sex with him again."

"What?! You said that?!"

"I did," I laughed. "There was something sad about him. It was like he though you had used us."

"Oy…" She sighed.

"I told him that you didn't use me." I made sure she knew that I never felt like she was using me, not really. I had lied too. I knew what we were doing. "And I told him that the only reason he was trying to be with you at first was because he thought you were a lesbian and he thought I was in love with you." I rubbed the loofa over her neck and watched her twist in pleasure and close her eyes as the hot water flowed over her. I wondered if she was even paying attention or if I was just rambling to make myself feel bettr. "He seemed to get it after that. He apologized and stuff."

"What a mess," she said, shaking her head slowly and taking the loofa back, holding my hand.

"A mess, indeed," I concurred.

She twisted a little to face me.

"You don't think I used you?"

"No, Karma. I really don't," I said, looking her deep in the eyes.

She moved a little more and I could tell she was ready to get out. I stood up and turned to grab the towel. I handed it to her without looking and she wrapped herself up in it.

"Okay, we can go," she said.

"K…"

Part II

We went to my room and I shut the door. I turned some sleepy music on so that it wouldn't be so very quiet.

"Does your mom know you're here?" I asked.

"I texted her," she said. "It's fine."

"Okay," I sighed. I laid down on my bed and turned on my side away from her so she could change. She didn't change though. I felt the covers move and then her weight was on the bed and she was facing my back just waiting there and breathing.

"Amy," she said.

"Hmm?" I asked.

"Will you look at me?"

I turned over to face her and look her in the eyes. She was still stormy, her eyes were still clouded and darker than usual. It was almost like when she was sad they changed colors. There was something about them that I could just read.

She looked at me though, open and serious. We didn't often just stare like this. I felt my breath catching and my mind speeding up.

She brought her hand up to my face and felt my cheek, leaning in to softly kiss me. I felt her lips brush mine and her tongue slowly taste me. It was soft and short. When she pulled away I wondered why she was so quiet.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"Just you," she said. She was still looking at my eyes as if to turn away would actually hurt.

"Thanks," I smiled, feeling suddenly bashful. She was just looking so close and treating me so delicately. It was different. It wasn't like yesterday at all. It was different.

She leaned in and kissed me again, just as serious.

It was weird to be there like that. She was naked under the sheet and I was in all my clothes on top just trying to act normal.

And she was kissing me now, a little bit hungrier, with her warm hand on my skin. The rain had changed her or maybe it was the day.

"I really love you," she said. I noticed then that she was about to cry. There was something so soft about her. I just wanted to hold her forever.

"I love you too," I said, unsure of what to do.

She beat me to an action by snuggling up to me so that I could hold her just there. I listened to her breathing for a long time before falling asleep. It felt so good just to hold her. Even if none of it made sense. It felt good.