Firstly, I just want to apologise for the extremely long (and wholly unintentional) hiatus this fic has suffered. I'm not even sure what happened, particularly; for the longest time, I just could not seem to make progress on this story, and on this scene in particular.
Anyway, I'm back now, and I intend to stick around for quite some time. Hope you enjoy!
A chilly breeze struck our bare skin as we waited, causing Delnik to shiver. I'd almost forgotten discarding my clothes back at the school; I still had almost nothing on. I must have looked a right sight right then, to anyone who happened to see.
The back door opened.
'L-Lucas?'
It was my mother. She stood dumbly right in front of me, with soft red circles framing her eyes.
'Lucas, where have you been? I heard about the school, the Yeerks and…and that you just disappeared, and…' she ran forward, hugged us tightly. 'I thought…I thought…'
Delnik returned the hug. I did too in a way, aping the movement in my head as though I myself was in control.
((Lucas, are you sure you don't-))
((No!))
No, I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't even want Delnik talking to her, particularly. Because speaking now would mean speaking the truth.
Mom leaned back then, as if to take me in for the first time. 'And…and where are your clothes? What happened over there? Where were you?'
Delnik was quick to answer. 'I was…'
'No,' Mom said. 'Get dressed first. Then tell me.'
She beckoned us in, before shutting the door quickly behind us.
Delnik hurried up the stairs to my bedroom. He offered me control; I told him where my clothes were and left him to it. He dressed me quickly and quietly after that, and it was only after finishing that he next spoke.
((Lucas, I know I promised I'd do this, but…she'll want to talk to you, Lucas. And she'll want to know it's you. I'll probably have to leave you. Be ready.))
((I will,)) I said. But, really, I don't think I could ever have been.
Delnik remained in control as we headed back down. We found Mom sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for us. She sat tall and straight, her expression level and difficult to read. Whatever she was thinking right then, she didn't want me to know.
'What happened?' Mom said. 'Where did you go?'
'I'm…not Lucas' Delnik began. 'Name is Delnik Three-One-Two-Seven. I'm controlling him right now.'
Mom slumped a little at that. She closed her eyes, breathing out long and hard. I waited for the shouting, the denials, the anger and horror I was sure would soon come. But none of it came.
'Why did you come back here?' she said, her emotions still refusing to be revealed. 'What do you want?'
'Because…just listen to me. Please,' Delnik. 'Lucas is morph-capable. He morphed at the school in order to help me escape; that's why he had no clothes.'
Delnik stopped for a moment and looked in Mom's direction. I guess he expected my mother to say something. But she didn't. All she did was sit and listen.
'He's been a controller for over a year. His Yeerk could also morph; he's gone now.' I saw Mom stir where she sat. 'And Lucas, he…liked it. He liked being controlled. He's been brainwashed, somehow. He still is.'
For a while, Mom just stared at us. Her mouth moved, but the power of speech seemed to have deserted her. Finally, she managed single word, quiet and pathetic: 'What?'
Delnik tried to return her gaze at first, but quickly ended up looking at the ground – something I found myself feeling profoundly grateful for.
'He let me in,' Delnik said. 'I don't think he would have done if he'd known I would come back here. But he did.' He squeezed our hands together. 'It isn't his fault. They made him this way. I'm sure of it.'
Mom abruptly stood to her feet, her face a perfect mask once more. 'Leave him,' she said. 'Let me talk to him. Alone. Now.' And then, almost as an afterthought: 'I'll fill the sink. You can go there.'
'Thank you,' Delnik said, still looking away.
Once the sink was ready, Delnik was quick to leave me. I took him in my hands and gently lowered him into the water. Somehow, my mother had remembered to run the water warm; for the time being, Delnik would be fine in there.
'Is it true, Lucas? What it said?'
I stiffened upon hearing my mother's voice. I didn't turn to face her.
'Most of it was,' I said.
'Which parts?'
'I wasn't brainwashed,' I said. 'But the rest of it…was true.'
A smothering silence began to fill the air. I watched Delnik swim in lazy circles in the sink, and wondered where I would be were it not for him. I'd be in the sky, I was sure. Flying far away from here. With Arash. Never to return.
Had I really wanted that? Did I want it now?
'Look at me, Lucas.'
I would return Delnik to my ear soon, I decided. It seemed wrong to leave him host-less in there, even after what he'd done. He was a good yeerk. He treated me well – or at least tried to – and it only seemed fair to treat him well in turn.
Mother spoke again, more forcefully this time. 'Lucas, look at me.'
Slowly but surely, I forced myself to face her. Her face remained almost totally blank – a sight far worse than any clear expression could have been.
'Who is that?' she said, motioning to the sink behind me. 'And how did it get inside you?'
'Delnik Three-One-Two-Seven,' I said. I put him in.'
'I know that, Lucas,' she said, her hands held out. 'But why? Why let it in?' There was a strange, almost pleading quality to her voice.
'He was Sonja's yeerk,' I said. 'He had no way to get out of the school, so I took him in.'
'Sonja?' she said. 'Then all those afternoons after school…oh God, how didn't I see…' She ran up and hugged me all at once, leaving me standing dumb with my arms at their sides. 'I'm sorry,' she said over and over. 'I am so, so sorry…'
Belatedly, I returned the hug. It would make her happy, after all; it seemed the proper thing to do. As I did, I noticed the tears in her eyes. Her perfect mask, by now, was long gone.
'You let the last one in, too, didn't you?' she said. 'Who was it? Arash?'
I froze where I stood. How did she-?
'That was the last yeerk you had,' she said, having obviously felt the change in me. 'I remember its name. It…makes sense…'
She backed off a little, then, and placed her hands on both my shoulders. 'What happened, Lucas? What did they do? That yeerk said something happened. What was it? You can talk to me. I'm here. You can…'
'Arash didn't do anything,' I said. 'I wasn't brainwashed, Mom! I'm fine! I'm…I'm better than I've ever been! I…'
I stopped. I tried to smile, to reassure her. But I couldn't. It was like my whole face had simply ceased to work.
Because it hadn't started with Arash, had it?
It had started with Morkis. The torturer. My torturer. Day in and day out, Morkis had chipped away at my mind until nothing at all remained, until…
Arash.
Arash had saved me, taught me how to be happy, taught me how to live, showed me everything I would ever need to…
Morkis. Arash. Morkis. Arash. Morkis. Arash.
I stumbled backwards against the sink. An alien sound, half a sob and half a choke, forced its way out of my mouth. Morkis, then Arash. Morkis, then Arash…
I remembered something then: something from the days before Morkis, something I had never remembered before now.
'Lucas, what is – Lucas!'
I remembered where I was, and then remembered what I was without. I had no yeerk; I was still controlling all I did. For just a little longer, I had to remain focussed.
'You don't want to know,' I said. 'You don't. Trust me. You don't.'
I had to force out each and every word. The memory was calling to me, pulling me in. My heart raced. I needed…Delnik! I needed a yeerk. I needed Delnik. Now.
Finally, I managed to make a smile.
'I'm not ready to talk about it yet, Mom,' I said. 'A lot happened, but it – it happened long ago. I'll be ready to talk. Someday.' I couldn't wait any longer; I turned my back on her and reached into the sink.
'I'm putting Delnik back now,' I said. 'It's been long enough.'
My mother didn't even bother to protest. I guess she saw it would achieve nothing.
I sat down at the kitchen table, placed Delnik to my ear, felt him take over, felt safe. And then, secularly in Delnik's hold, I let myself tumble deep into my memories and into the past.
