Since I did Tom's…
The Files of Kazdan Kalinkas
Book One: Not By Choice
Chapter Eleven: Interlude—Marietta
UnderWorld Rule #11: We should not shed tears. That is surrendering to the emotions of the body. Surrender is not tolerated. We do not need emotions. We do not need tears.
It was silly to think that after three months, the pain would lessen.
It was silly to think that I wouldn't feel a pang of remorse; as sharp as a blade; every time I walked past his empty room.
It was silly to think that I could pretend I wasn't hurting.
It was silly to think I could hide it from Nathaniel.
I thought, at first, that he had run away and I tormented myself, wondering where we had gone wrong. Nathaniel convinced me otherwise.
"Marietta," He said to me one evening, "Darling, he wouldn't have done something like that. You know how he is."
So the only thing left to think was…kidnapping.
But why would someone kidnap our boy? Millions of horrid scenarios plagued me night and day. There were many different kinds of predators out there, most of which I cared not to think about.
What if my son had been captured by one of them?
Why hadn't I paid more attention to him?
I felt part of it was my fault. Nathaniel and I were both busy, Nathaniel more than I. Where had he spent most of his time, anyway? Either in his room or over at Tom's. He wasn't a social butterfly, not like I would have liked him to be, but I thought that maybe we hadn't paid him the attention he deserved. He was smart, borderline genius even, and we'd left him alone.
I sometimes think about the last words I said to him, etched so clearly into my mind:
"Be safe."
A casual, parenting sort of comment.
But all I could think was, Why didn't I say "I love you" ?
It was three simple words. Why hadn't I said them? Would they have made a difference? Would he have come home instead of vanishing like he did? Would he be sitting beside me now, complaining about something that had happened at school?
All the "what ifs" echoed inside me, leaving me hollow.
I missed him.
It's not until someone is gone that you realize how much you really love them.
Kaz had been a little miracle for Nathaniel and I…
…And now he was gone.
It hurt terribly.
I would have given anything in the world to have him back.
I just can't imagine what it must be like for a parent to have their child disappear. I really can't. I think it would be one of those situations where words just couldn't sum up the feelings of the individual.
Sorry, this chapter made me sad to write. Yeah, sure, I can bash Kaz all day but, geez, this was hard on me.
Well, thanks for reading. See you in the next chapter.
