I do not own Tsubasa RESERvoir Chronicles, xxxHolic, or any associated works. Such items are the property of CLAMP with exceptions to original concepts.

"After all, how many of us had tried to forget something traumatic...only to find it printed on the back of our eyelids, tattooed on our tongues?"
Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart

Episode Ten: The Changing of the Heart


Most people would think that communicating solely through miming would be difficult, tiring, and annoying. Most people would be correct. Several months into our stay in Yama and I was ready to scream. The one thing Fai and Kurogane could seemingly understand each other on was that I was not going to be fighting. So everyday after they left (a rough pat on the shoulder from Kurogane and a light kiss on the forehead from Fai) I would go out onto the balcony and watch Yasha's army be transported to the battlefield.

That was how my nights were spent. My days consisted of Kurogane filling me in on the tide of the battle (almost no progress was ever made) and Fai flitting about the apartment with food or trying to understand what we were saying. The most common topic was our search for Syaoran and the others. When I could no longer stand to sit on the balcony I would go in search of recon scouts, begging for information. Kurogane and Fai utilized the battlefield and their enemies as sources of information. We still came up with nothing. I was beginning to wonder if they had even landed in this world or if they were forced to move on without us. The thought of us being stranded here always made me go off on an angry tirade that Kurogane didn't care to deal with and left Fai more confused than ever.

Sleeping had stopped being something I dreaded. After the first month of near debilitating nightmares I finally worked up the courage (or he nagged me enough, I can't remember) to let Fai join me in my bed. With much gesturing and about an hour of confusion and embarrassment we made a promise that there was to be no funny business, just sleep. I didn't have to worry. Fai had nightmares of his own. I would wake in the middle of the night to him shifting away from me and making soft, disturbed noises and until he calmed down again I would stay awake pressing my palm to his cheek, trying to tell him in some form that I was there for him.

Our relationship was odd, confusing, and an integral part of keeping me sane. He always made efforts to keep up on my condition, making sure I was getting the nutrients I needed, even when I didn't particularly want to eat. He filled the apartment with an air of panic and desperation when I fell victim to a particularly rough patch of illness that left me bed ridden for a week and a half, dragging Yasha's personal physician to my bedside, regardless of his ability to understand the words he was being told. I could though.

My body could no longer heal as it once did, my magic came slower, illness struck me to the bone and there was little I could do to stop it from happening. It was as if I was a little girl all over again, a blade of uncertainty suspended above my life. I knew my varying state of wellness was pushing Fai to his limit. I would find him late at night after their battles perusing medical tomes that he had no prayer of understanding, Kurogane a willing translator across from him. Whenever that happened they would look up at me, red eyes blinking slightly, then falling back to the text. It was so unlike them that I had to turn away to prevent the two of them from seeing the salty tears that would run down my cheeks. This reliance we had built upon one another was something I had come to treasure. So when I would see them in such a state for my sake I could only give them a bleak smile, grip Kurogane's hand, press a kiss to Fai's temple and try to fall back asleep on the piles of cushions in the living room.

I had known this would happen eventually, it was the price I paid to begin this journey. I just wished it hadn't happened so soon, or at least not when I had become so entangled with these people. I now accepted the fact that we had all affected each other and that any one of us dying would have more than the regular profound grief. I liked to think that we had all become some sort of misfit carnie family that found the oddest, most mishapen puzzle pieces one could imagine and brought them together in a sort of wonderful harmony that we now existed in.

Or in Kurogane's terms: "You're my damn responsibility now and I'm not one to leave my responsibilities to lie around and die." Maybe that explained us more than lofty heart-felt speeches ever could. It sure meant more than that.

It was when their eyes, Kurogane's once frightening crimson and the lovely cerulean of Fai's, slowly turned to black that I truly became disoriented. I had lightly caressed his face, fingers brushing around his eyes, while whispering slightly to myself.

Fai had gripped my hands in his own and gave me a small smile. My own eyes were dark enough that the change wasn't so shocking for them. That was when I started to spend my nights researching.

We lived like that for some time until the day that we had all hoped for, but thought would never come. We found Syaoran.

I was resting in the living room again, having awoken near dawn with an odd sense of worry, when the door flew open and Fai was suddenly in front of me, beaming.

"We found them!"

I blinked blearily up at him, "Who found what?"

He smiled down at me, eyebrow raised, waiting. My head still fuzzy from sleep it took a minute to understand the significant look on his face. Then it hit me, Fai could only talk to me in my dreams.

I let out a strangled gasp and shot up, ignoring the rushing nausea that followed. "If we can..." I trailed off at his wide smile. I sighed in relief, "Oh that's the best news I've had all day." I looked towards the door as Kurogane trudged in, "Where are they? Why aren't they here?"

Kurogane threw his jacket onto the table, "I've decided to test the kid."

I narrowed my eyes, "Test? What do you mean?" I crossed my arms and leaned back from them, "What did you do?"

"Calm down kid, we haven't done anything. Yet. I'm just going make him think that we aren't the real us."He ran a hand through his hair and dropped into a chair, legs stretched out in front of him.

"You're going to make him think you're copies from this world? Why?"

Fai gripped my hand softly as Kurogane responded, "The kid got taken in by Ashura, it's the perfect opportunity to test his training."

Sighing, I sat back down on the couch I was resting on earlier, "I assume you aren't going to hurt him?"

"Just a few scratches." Was the dry reply I received as he stood up and headed back out the door, ignoring my look of disapproval, "Don't wait up."

Sighing again as the door closed I turned back to Fai who was staring at me with an odd expression, thumb gently sliding across the back of my hand. I aimed a questioning look to him while grabbing the glass of water that I had gotten earlier.

"It's just a little odd that after so many months of not being able to talk to you, that I find myself not being able to find anything to say." His voice was soft, some unknown emotion edging it. He glanced over at the nest I had created for myself on the couch, worry spreading over his face again, "You were feeling sick again today?"

I shrugged a bit, "I was just a bit tired." He and I both knew that wasn't the case, but lying to each other was what we did best, really. He pulled me up slowly by the hand, his arm slipping around my waist.

We trudged to what was now our shared bedroom, Fai pushing the door open and sitting me down on the bed and heading into the bathroom. The sound of running water told me he was running a bath. Looking around the room you couldn't really find any hint of it's occupants. We generally kept it rather clean, we didn't have any mementos or keepsakes, and the only hint of our existence were our old clothes hung up neatly in the closet and the bottles of medication that littered the night stand. Neither of us liked the idea of leaving bits of ourselves here very much. The door opened again and I turned back to see that Fai had changed, leaving him in a white button up with a pair of loose, black pants. I smiled slightly at him as he came closer.

"We match," I murmured softly, gesturing at the soft, white gown the servants had brought in for me that day. He brushed a hand across my cheek, frowning at what was most likely a higher than usual temperature. He continued inspecting me in silence, a habit we learned in our time of non-communication. His collar was unbuttoned and I could see a dark bruise blossoming underneath the material of his shirt. Reaching up I touched it lightly, "What happened?"

"I was just a bit clumsy, that's all." He responded brightly. I frowned slightly, ready to give an admonishment, but he shook his head.

Kneeling down in front of me, he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "Have you eaten anything today?"

I shrugged, "A bit, what I could keep down."

Closing his eyes he brought my forehead to his, gripping my face in his hands. We stayed like that for a while, for how long I don't know, all I knew was that my breath came easy and I was able to relax.

"Come on," He murmured softly, "You should go take a bath before the water cools." He pulled me up by my hands and I continued moving, letting my eyes fall shut as I gently kissed him.

"Thank you," I whispered, lips moving against his. He gripped the back of my neck and pressed me against him in an almost desperate fashion, our lips slanting against each other as he deepened the kiss, tongue invading my mouth. My hands held tightly to his collar in some grab at control as he guided the kiss. Too soon, it seemed, he pulled away and I was left gasping for breath and holding onto him for support.

I cleared my throat, unable to look at him with my burning face, "I think, ahem, I'll go take that bath now."

~O~

It was later that afternoon when Fai had fallen asleep on our bed, book open on his chest that I slipped out of bed and grabbed my robe from the chair I had thrown it onto in the morning, and wrapped it tightly around my form. Walking out into the living room I found Kurogane polishing his sword on the balcony, the setting sun making the sword give off a harsh glare.

"It's almost around time for you guys to leave, isn't it?" I leaned against the railing.

I got a grunt in reply, not looking up from his blade. Looking down at my hands , noticing that the childhood habit of pulling on my fingers was still prevalent, I formulated my next question.

"You're not coming with."

I turned around with a wry smile, "It's just a little bit odd that you're able to do that."

"It's not that hard, you're just an open book."

"I suppose," I said, pondering, "But I'm still coming with you."

The quiet shink of his sword being put back in its sheath, "You're ill, don't be stupid."

"I'm having a good d-" I was cut off by the mustering bell. I turned to the ninja, "Make the call, in or out?"

He stood for a while, staring at me with contemplative eyes. I crossed my arms with a huff. We didn't have all goddamn night.

He rolled his eyes, "Stop by the armory and get supplies. I'll wake the mage up." Nodding, I started to leave when he called out, "Just don't get yourself killed, I'll never hear the end of it if you do. Not just from him, but from the porkbun too." At the mention of Mokona I felt my mood get a little brighter.

I smiled and nodded, "Oh I don't plan on it!" I set off at a run, determined to make it to the battlefield before Fai caught on to what I was planning and dragged me back to the room by force, like he was prone to do whenever he thought I had been out too long. My dressing gown was fanning out behind me and I could imagine the way I looked to passerby: long hair wild and streaming behind me, bare feet, and a floor length dressing gown was enough to warrant the odd looks I was receiving.

Clutching at the stitch in my side I caught sight of the armory with several soldiers leaving it. Ignoring their mumbled pardons I opened the door to dins the rickety old man who I had seen man who I had the pleasure of spending much of my free time with, Hidari.

He looked up with a bemused look, "Lady Eri, it's almost time for battle."

I nodded, "I think you know what I'm here for." Oh gods, I hoped he had it ready. Hidari had listened to my complaints many times when I was left behind as Fai and Kurogane stormed off to battle. Eventually he had made a sort of backhanded promise to make me my own armor and weapons, and had used it as a bargaining chip many times since; often in the form of "Go eat something before I don't make you that armor you so desperately want!" accompanied by a shooing motion out the door.

I fell under his scrutiny as his eyes took in my form, finally realizing what a state I was in, "Lady Eri..." His voice was dripping in trepidation, "Are you quite sure this is what you should be doing?"

"If you're wondering whether I have permission or not," I snapped, anger suddenly flooding me, "there isn't a need to worry." I was not a child, and I was sick of being treated like one.

The old man crossed his arms when he heard my tone of voice, "I just want you to be sure of what you're doing. If I am correct in my assumption, you are quite weak at this moment in time. I am merely questioning the logic behind this decision."
I felt my guilt at taking my nerves out on him chase away my anger and sighed, "I'm sorry Hidari...I just need to get out there as soon as possible." I met his eyes, pleading, "We finally found our lost friends, and I'm just a little anxious to see them again."

He nodded once, and vanished into his backroom with a wry smile lingering on his features. I shouldn't have lashed out at him, I knew that, but I was so on edge...

"We'll stick together, I promise. I want to protect my new friends! That includes you, Sakura-chan!"

I had a promise that I had been neglecting.

The sound of the door opening alerted me to Hidari's return, "Now they're not perfect, but they should do for one jaunt onto the battlefield."

I bowed, grateful, "Thank you for doing this for me, Hidari." I examined what he had set on the table. It was a very light armor that encased a black robe, the metal intertwining lightly with the fabric. Beside it there was two twin tonfa blades, the same weapons that I had wielded so very long ago. I swallowed and thanked him again before moving to the backroom to change, absentmindedly pulling the material over my skin. When I had told Hidari of my battle experience I wouldn't have thought that he would remember what I had once accidentally let slip out.

I stepped out, after pulling on the boots he had left in the room for me, and was met with an empty room. Strange. Maybe he left to meet with some of the soldiers, he had gone personally to see the army off sometimes.

I strapped the blades to my waist, slightly disoriented at the feel of them there. It had been so long since I had wielded a weapon; I hadn't touched one since I left Shinran as there hadn't really been a need. I could always rely on Kurogane, or my magic if worst came to worst.

Walking out I peered through the pillars to the courtyard below, "Shit!" I hissed, looking at the troops almost all gathered. I took off, sprinting again through the hallways. I had to get there before the summoning, I couldn't let the opportunity slip out of my hands!

My boots slapped against the stairway as I rushed down, leaping down the last few steps. There, the courtyard. Kurogane was near the front, I shouldered my way past the men who shot me surprised, and even hostile, looks. Finally, after being elbowed and pushed around a good amount, I made it to them and tugged on Kurogane's arm. "Give a girl a lift?"

He grunted and hauled me up behind him, muttering, "Took you long enough."

I smiled and winked, "A girls got to accessorize, Kuro-puu!" He glared just as Fai caught sight of me as he was making his way from the stables. Eyes wide with an unknown emotion...was that anger?

"Seems like he's not happy," I remarked casually as the countdown for departure began. He grunted before snapping the reigns and moving forward. Time for battle.

"Ri-ri, whatever are you doing here?" Was the murmured response I received as Fai finally caught up to us.

I grinned, albeit nervously, "You know, checking out the scenery while going to visit a friend who has suddenly come back?"

The smile that was on his face was tight and left me a little afraid. His eyes, already turned black, had turned impossibly dark at my quip. Suddenly, painfully, I longed for the familiar cerulean. "Right." I murmured, avoiding the frustrated glare directed towards me.

The air suddenly shifted and almost crackled with the power that was being used to bring the opposing side here. Feet hit the ground. Heavy breathing. The breeze bringing a false calm. It all lasted for a moment. Then they charged.

I gripped the back of Kurogane's jacket as his horse lurched forward into the brink. He was moving forward, intent on one thing.

"Fai-san! Kurogane-san!"

I gasped as I set sights on him, brown hair askew, eyes wide.

"Syaoran!" I yelled, waving frantically from behind Kurogane. I saw a look of relief flicker across his face just before the aforementioned ninja threw me off his horse.

I sucked in a shocked breath, which quickly left my body when I hit the ground roughly. He had lunged off of his horse and towards the boy, swords clashing violently. I struggled to my feet, buffeted by the fighting men around me. It was a miracle I wasn't caught on one of their weapons. I searched frantically for Fai, while trying to keep an eye on the fight in front of me. If this was what he meant by testing Syaoran, I never should have agreed to it. Not that he would have listened to me.

A hand gripped my shoulder, and I looked up to see Fai staring down at me with a blank smile. "You're going to be hurt if you just stand around like that."

I swallowed and nodded, accepting his hand as he helped pull me up behind him. He grabbed my arms and wrapped them around his waist, "Hold on tight," was the warning he gave before surging towards our two fighting friends.

It seemed like we were in Outo again, watching them train. Wincing as one of Kurogane's attacks caused a rock to fly up and hit the skin surrounding Syaoran's blind eye, I nudged Fai gently, "Aren't we going to stop them?"

"No, Kuro-tan and Syaoran-kun will be fine!" He beamed back at me, but it was slightly menacing. He and Kurogane, had an almost menacing aura about them now that they were out here. It was a tad bit disconcerting, that was sure.

It wasn't until Kurogane closed in far enough that Ashura stepped in that I gave a sigh of relief. Watching them fight like that reminded me of a nightmare that I had once...not one that I would like to see become a reality.

Kurogane and Ashura traded words, the ninja's frustration at having another one of his fights interrupted palpable. It was only when Ashura decided to fall back did Kurogane finally move back to our side.

"Thanks for the warning." I shot at him, still irked at him throwing me to the ground.

"Maybe you should be better on your feet." He bit back, already heading back to the castle without waiting for us.

I glared at his retreating form before turning my attention to Fai who seemed to be watching us with and amused expression. "You seem to be felling a little better." Was what he commented before I growled back a response.

"Just shut up and go!"


Hey all! Thanks so much for the lovely reviews you all have left me! You make a stressed out college student not want to hide under her Netflix subscription for about a month! Special thanks to my lovely beta, Allie, and also to nevvy and oxEmmaxo for really encouraging me to get off my but and write! Catch ya on the flip side!

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