Something New 11
By Female Heero Yuy
Disclaimer: If I owned Kuroshitsuji this would be in the manga. XD
Random Info:
morning thunder = a man farting in the morning and it can be heard in the house
It was early morning, abit earlier than when he usually did his work, but he figured he'd get a head start. So to the kitchen he went to make breakfast. He mixed ingredients to create wonderus smells. It looked so delicious anyone would want to eat it. Until he heard a sound he'd never really heard. It'd come from the nearby kitchen bathroom. Sure he'd heard this sound many a time. But never so early in the morning. Nor as loud.
"Uhhhh that feels good." came the familiar voice rather loudly. Causing Sebastian to blink, but pretend he'd heard nothing.
Bard came in with a huge grin on his face. "Morning!" he said cheerily.
"Morning." Sebastian repeated as he continued to prepare breakfast.
"Man that morning thunder was killer this morning. I thought I was gonna blow my hole off." he said with a large smile.
"Eh?" He stood there stunned. He couldn't help but think how weird humans were. He didn't bother to turn either.
"It's great to be a man, you can release certain bodily functions and not get looked down on." he tied on his apron.
"I don't see how being a man has anything to do with it." he added some salt to the dish.
"Aw come on! It's totally a man thing! I mean can you see Maylene passing gas? I'm sorry but I can't, it just doesn't seem sexy." he waved.
"I think it's just disgusting either way." he stated as he took the food off the stove and put it in it's dish to be served.
"Don't tell me you've never released a fart? Then again you probably couldn't if you wanted to. Your ass is probably shut tight."
"I'll thank you to keep your mind anyway from such a subject. What bodily functions I do is my choice." he snubbed at Bard. Then prepared to make some fresh bread.
"Farting isn't a choice! It's a sport! Only the best fart can win!"
"It's disgusting and revolting. Now kindly stop speaking of such things and get to work if your going to be up so early."
"Sometimes I wonder if your really a servant. You act so high and mighty. I guess farting is beneath you."
"I just have respect for...." he stopped for a moment as if thinking. "Those around me."
"Gah, sometimes I wonder if your really human! All men love to fart! It's like a right of passage!"
Sebastian threw a potatoe at Bard's head and continued to make the bread. "Shut up and do your job!"
Bard held his face as he'd been hit in the nose with the potatoe. "OOooww!"
He continued to make the bread and put it in the oven to bake, once he closed the oven door Maylene came in to the kitchen.
"Good mor..morning everyone." She stuttered when she saw Sebastian bent over. She blushed a little as she watched him.
"Good morning." Sebastian stated as he wiped his hands on a towel. "Could you do the dishes please Maylene?" he asked as he was putting his coat back on. It was almost time to wake the young master.
"Of course..." she blushed.
Sebastian just walked to his masters room. Opening the curtains as per his usual routine, he walked to the bed to wake his master and was assaulted suddened by a sudden action. Ciel had just farted. Holding his nose he backed away from the bed. "Oh my god!" he said aloud, though he hadn't intended to.
Ciel yawned and sat up from the shout. "Sebastian?" he said as he rubbed his eyes. "Whats the matter with you?"
"And to think I just had this conversation with Bard. Ewww humans are gross!" he gagged and hastily opened the window, taking deep breaths of air.
"What?" Ciel asked as he was lost.
"You farted! What kind of a noble farts?" he said after he got his breath of fresh air.
Ciel raised a brow. "You act like this is new. It's not like this is the first time i've farted."
"You've never done it before! Why now?"
"What do you mean i've never done it before?" he raised a brow. Then thinking for a moment, "I guess i've never done it in your presence before. Though I thought by now I would have."
"Please refrain in the future. My nose can't take it."
"Are you saying I produce a fowl smell?" Ciel glared.
"YES!" he shot back.
"Do demons not have such a function?" he asked abit annoyed.
Sebastian gagged like he was going to vomit, and continued to stay by the window. "They do...sadly." he choked.
"Your such a drama queen. It wasn't that bad." Ciel got off his bed and stretched. "Besides I thought demons liked doing natural things."
"Depends on the demon." he breathed. "I thought I was going to die."
"SHUT UP!" he blushed.
Needless to say Sebastian did his best to avoid any further discussions on bodily functions. Demon or not it didn't mean he had to enjoy certain things. But his master was persistent at poking at him every so often to try and get any information he could out of him. He was not about to give his master the ammo he'd need to embarrass him for the rest of the contract.
Though he'd noticed that he'd had a slight pain in his lower stomach. But ignored it as he was fairly certain it was due to a lack of eatting. After a while he felt that he had to use the bathroom and left to relieve himself. Lack of food or not it didn't mean he didn't have to empty his bladder. Locking the door he prepared himself by removing his gloves and steadied himself.
Within moments, he had to say it was probably the worst pain he'd feel in a while. The moment he started to go, it was like something other than urine was coming out of his body. He groaned in agony until it'd finally come out of his body. He panted as the pain subsided and look and what came out. It was a stone.
Ciel laughed as he thought of some of the randomest, and hilarious things that he could imagine about demons. He had images of demons cooking with frilly aprons. Possibly going to school. And other things that would be normal for humans but seemed hilarious for demons. His thoughts were broken when there was a knock on his door. "Come in."
Sebastian poked his head in from the door. "Young master....." he squeaked.
"Sebastian?" he raised a brow. Never had he seen the demon look so pitiful. "What is it?"
Whimpering he gripped the doors handle. "My tummy hurts, and a rock came out of my body." he whined.
"A what?" he looked at him in shock.
He merely whimpered some more.
The doctor finished his examination of Sebastian and pulled off the rubber gloves. "He'll be fine, he's just got a case of ureterolithiasis."
"A case of what?" Ciel looked perplex. He'd never heard of such a thing.
"Ureterolithiasis. More commonly known as kidney stones." he pushed up his glasses. "I believe it's due to him drinking water that has fluoride." he started writing something on a notepad. "I'm going to perscribe him some pain killers for the pain. Make sure he drinks atleast 8 regular sized glasses of water that does not have fluoride per day and they should pass smoothly." he tore the paper out and gave it to Ciel. "He should also rest for the day."
"Thank you doctor." he took the paper then looked at Sebastian who looked like he was going to cry.
When they got in the carriage Ciel was not a very happy camper needless to day. "How in the world.....does a demon get kidney stones?" he asked as he watched his butler laydown in the carriage.
"How should I know? I've never heard of it until now." he rubbed at his lower belly. "It hurts! I don't like it!" he whined.
"In anycase stay away from water with fluride in it." he sighed as he leaned in his seat.
"That's easier said than done young master." he groaned in pain. "I guess the water that comes from the pipes has fluride in it."
"So boil it to remove it." Ciel responded.
"Yes my lord."
"Now that I think about it....I didn't think you drank water."
"Young master i'm still a living creature, and I get thursty." he looked at his master.
"I always thought you just drank because I told you to."
".....Nooo." he said cutely, batting his eyes at his master.
Ciel gave him an awkward look. "Stop that."
Once they got home, Ciel had Sebastian drink alot of water. So much that he got bloated.
"Young master....I don't think drinking all this water at once is good for me." he hiccuped.
"I want you cured as soon as possible." he stated as he sipped his tea.
"I don't think it works that way." he responded.
"Doesn't matter." he responded as he handed him another glass of water. "Now drink! That's an order!"
"Uhhhh..." he held his stomach.
Ciel woke up the next day and regretted it. He could only think that he should of stayed in bed because Finni came up to him giving him the same explaination that Sebastian had given him yesterday. So not only did his butler have kidney stones, but his gardener and chef as well.
"What is this? Is everyone in this house getting kidney stones?" he shouted in his hands.
"Well young master I think kidney stones is better than morning thunder." Sebastian smiled. It seemed he was feeling pretty good for someone who still had a few stones to get rid off.
"Shut up!"
"Just think young master, now some of us know what it's like to push something out from our loins." he smiled. "Like giving birth to a child. Only it'll never walk, talk or grow."
Ciel gave him a look that clearly stated the demon was crazy. "Are you secretly doing drugs?" he asked.
"Of course not. Even though it is a natural plant. I personally do not like the feeling it gives one after it wears off." he put a hand to his heart.
"So...your basically saying you have done drugs before."
"When I was younger yes. I sadly surcumed to pier pressure in my younger years. Luckily I didn't like the scent it gave and how it messed with my mind so I stopped."
".......I was honestly expecting something more demonic in that statement." he said disappointed.
"I'm sorry to disappoint you young master." he smiled. "Maybe after I pass another stone I can call it our love child." he giggled.
"THAT'S DISGUSTING!"
"True, but nothing like that ever happened to me until I contracted with you."
"So your blaming me for your rocks?" he got off his seat.
"Not at all. I'm simply stating that I lived a perfectly healthy life before I came to this house."
"Your completely blaming me! I should have you neutered!"
Sebastian looked at him in shock then smiled. "You could never do that young master."
"Is that a fact?"
"Of course, because if you did it'd surely keep me from doing my duties."
"Tch."
Sebastian stood by his master as he ate his supper. The other servants standing by as well. It was a rather pleasant moment until the loudest fart that had ever sounded erupted. It was so loud and long that Sebastian, Maylene, and Finni couldn't even stiffle their laughter as Bard scratched his head with a smile.
"Oh my god..." Sebastian muttered as he covered his mouth and tried to keep from letting out a full blown laughter.
"Bard is stinky." Maylene stuttered as she tried her best not to laugh.
"Bard that's nasty!" Ciel shouted as he threw his bread at him.
"Somebody light a match, pheewww! That's some rank in here!" Bard stated with glee.
"Bard......" Sebastian started, but erupted in laughter. As bad as it was, it was just too funny when he saw his masters face.
Bard then just let out another fart equally long and loud. Making the others erupt in laughter even harder. Ciel just looked embarassed and was just grateful he didn't have any visitors.
Ciel searched through the small box in a fit of rage. He was so embarassed that words couldn't describe it. Currently he was looking for something that stopped ones natural gas. He had every intention of making Bard swallow it. Whatever it was.
"Young master I don't think there's anything that stops such a thing." Sebastian looked on in facisnation of his masters dedication.
"Shut up you!"
"Oh my is the young master upset?" he smirked.
"That was horrible! There's no way something didn't crawl inside him and die!"
"Perhaps the smell is from the kidney stones?"
"Somehow I doubt it....and speaking of that what of yours?" he raised a brow.
"I am happy to report that they are gone now. I simply started purifying the drinking water of the house and replaced the pipes."
"Good. But this brings a question to my mind."
"Oh?"
"I thought demons didn't get sick?"
"Quite the contrary, we can get ill just as humans, just not as often." he smiled. "And I seemed to recall wanting to vomit when a certain chef took a certain opportunity."
"Uhhh I hope whatever it is your feeding him you stop. I think I now understand your sensitive nose." he gagged.
"What an honor. I never knew you'd understand how I felt." he put a hand to his chest.
"Did you just call me stupid?"
"Not at all." he smiled plesantly.
"You just did! Arrrggh! I'm so tired of you calling me a fool!" he shouted. Then attempted to tackle the demon. It would of worked if Sebastian hadn't side stepped him. But he did manage to latch on to his pant leg to stop his fall.
"My goodness young master, don't you think your a little young to attempt to undress me in such a manner?" he looked at his master from above. "And besides if your going to do "that" to someone you should at the very least go for the zipper."
Ciel was the brightest red that he could muster. "I wasn't do that you idiot! I was trying to attack you!"
"By groping me?"
"I wasn't groping you you idiot!" he straightened himself up.
"Ohhh? But you were clearly trying to pull my pants down." he smiled.
"I was not!" he threw a set of bandages at his butler. After looking at them for a moment he smiled. "Hey..."
Maylene couldn't help but sneak a peek through the crack in the door. She held a tissue to her nose to keep the blood in check. "The young master was trying to rape Sebastian." she whispered. "Oh what a lecherous maid I am."
"Maylene what are you doing?" Finni asked. Bard was right beside him holding his stomach.
"Ahh! Nothing! Nothing! I most certainly wasn't spying on the young master and Sebastian!"
"Ohhh?"
"Young master.." Came Sebastian's voice from behind the door. "That is far too big to put in."
"Silence you! Now hold this so I can put it in!" came Ciel's voice.
"Oh my god what are they doing?" Bard asked as he put his ear to the door.
"Ow! Young master that hurt!" came Sebastian's whine.
"I seriously doubt that hurt you big baby! It's small! There's no way that could hurt!" came the response.
"But i've never had anything like that in me before. It's very uncomfortable."
"Sebastian and the young master are..." Bard blushed as images came into his mind.
"Oh my!" Maylene blushed. "I have lost to the young master."
"Eww young master this is sticky and slimey. That was way too soon."
"Well it wouldn't of happened so fast if you'd hold still!"
"But I don't like this kind of thing. It's just so...."
Bard couldn't take anymore and swung open the door. "What are you two doing! The young master is only a child! And.....you.." he gawked at the scene before him. Sebastian was awkwardly covered in bandages as if he'd been in a car wreak of some sort, while Ciel was holding a tub of medical glue to keep them in place.
"Bard what are you doing?" Ciel shouted. "Your ruining my first aid practice!"
"First..." Maylene started..
"Aid.." Finni said next.
"Practice?" Bard Finished.
"Ho, ho, ho."
"Of course, the young master expressed his dedication of learning first aid by bandaging me up. He's doing a rather horrible job though. He got the glue on me." he lifted a banaged wrist. "I'll have to wash up before it dries on me."
"Right..first aid." Bard smirked as he scratched his head. That's all it was.
"What did you think we were doing?" Sebastian asked as he started to pull some of the bandages off.
"Ummmm...Nothing!" he ran as his nose started to bleed.
"I think he had to go again probably to relieve some more rocks." Sebastian stated as he pulled a bandaid off his nose.
"Tch." Ciel scoff. "Oie! We're not done here! Stop pulling off my hard work!"
Well what can I say....I was being random. XD I never realized how hard it is to mix about 3 different things and get them to tie in to one another.
I just hope this chapter came out okay. I figured since i've been sick for a while. Why not make a chapter that dealt with it. XD
School is almost over. I have a final on my birthday T.T But that's also my last day of class. Woo! And it's my day off so after I can relax. =3 I hope during the summer I can get better. Even if I have to work.
Reviews and critique appreciated.
