APRIL

Even though I had known that the phone call was coming and I had let the anxiety eat away at me while waiting for it, I still hadn't expected it. It had taken me long enough to fall asleep despite the exhaustion in my bones and the sound of my phone ringing had been the thing to wake me up from my nap. I'd sat up and listened to the random male on the phone give my results to me, Sully sniffing at my stomach as he did. I'd read about animals with some sixth sense for pregnancy. I wondered if he actually could tell any difference.

Rushing back over to Jackson's was the natural response, not thinking to knock or that I would be interrupting anything. Politeness was thrown out the window for a moment – because holy crap, we were actually having a baby.

"I am pregnant. Actually pregnant." I informed him.

There was a brief silence for a moment but Jackson didn't have to say a word for me to know how he felt. I could see the elation on his face, the light inside of those beautiful eyes that I often found myself staring at just because I could. The clearness made him easy to read in moments like this one.

Instead, I found myself difficult to read. There was a little uneasiness stirring in the pit of my stomach and I didn't know if it was how I was feeling or just the side effects of the fact that there definitely was a baby inside of my stomach. I'd been stressed and nervous to the point of nausea before in my life, it wasn't something entirely new. Even if this prospect was overwhelming, there was something good there. Something exciting. Maybe it was a little mixed up and confused with everything else that was going on, but there was something bigger and better still lingering there.

I had wanted Seattle to be a new, better chapter of my life. This was a new start.

It was just a big, much different start than I had expected. I figured that I would be career oriented for a while. There was nothing to say that I still couldn't be, most of my work was already done from home and it's not like sitting at a computer was particularly difficult on my body. Both were completely doable. It was just so different than what I expected.

"How do you feel?" Jackson asked, standing up and walking over to me with a gentle smile on his expression. His hands took both of mine, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles.

"Nervous," I admitted, wetting my lips. "Really, really nervous. But kind of excited?"

Sitting down on the couch together to talk about it, well, it doesn't de-escalate any of my nerves but it did solidify the excitement. I could see the joy in his eyes. I knew how much happiness Alexandra had brought him even amidst the sorrow of losing Lexie, but at least this time, there was a promise of something more. Happiness without the complication, without the question of whether or not he really loved me. He had told me that before all of this. I knew my own rambling confession had been with the confusion of it, but I knew that I loved him too.

Naturally, Jackson already knew a few good obstetricians, opting to branch out away from the practice. He wanted to go the next day. I was a little bit okay with that too, even if it was overwhelming to move so quickly about it.

The next morning, though, I woke up with nausea so bad that I don't move from the toilet bowl for a solid hour and I call it quits. The next few days don't ease up and I couldn't have been more grateful to work at home and not have to expose myself quite so soon to everyone that I worked with. Morning sickness no longer seemed like an appropriate day. Sure, it sucked in the morning. But it sucked mid-afternoon, and at night, too. There wasn't a time where it didn't suck.

The mood swings came full force about a week later. On the one day that nausea didn't feel like it was completely destroying my life, I just didn't want to go to the doctor. It was one of those days where the worry and anxiety about a fetus growing inside of me took over any possible joy for having a baby. Hormones were completely crazy.

I was probably driving Jackson crazy, too.

Sully had found a home in Jackson's apartment just as much as he had my own now, though I was sure my little bunny was bothered by the fact that he couldn't just go back and forth at will. He was an independent little fellow, didn't like to be carried around that much. Alexandra absolutely adored him, though. He was calm which was good for being around her, and she loved petting him. He seemed fascinated enough by her, too. He had never been around such a tiny human before. That was something that was definitely going to change, both with her and this other baby.

But after two weeks, it managed to calm down just enough again that we can go to Dr. Montgomery's office and get a real look at our baby. Sarah watched Alex in the afternoon while we drove up to the northern part of the city where her private practice was located.

The waiting room in the office was well-lit and decorated with plenty of photos of mothers and their children, all wearing huge smiles. There was a diagram of pregnancy as well, a seemingly huge baby somehow captured inside of the mother's stomach. I had been thin my entire life, no matter how I ate or what exercise habits I maintained. I had no idea how an entire baby was going to fit inside of me.

That would have to be a question for a few months out, though. Eventually, I'm laying back on the table, shivering as a cool gel is spread across my abdomen.

"Oh, I hope this doesn't take long. I have to pee." I commented.

"It shouldn't," Dr. Montgomery reassured. "We just asked you to come in with a full bladder so it should push the uterus up to see a little better. Most women find it more comfortable than the transvaginal ultrasound." She explained.

"I don't even know what that means but it sounds very uncomfortable." I laughed slightly.

Jackson's hand was wrapped around me, sitting close to me at my side. If he knew what he was, which he probably did, he didn't say anything. Instead, his gaze was trained on the monitor, no doubt waiting for the image that was going to pop up at any given moment.

"And there is your baby." The red-haired doctor announced.

I turned my head to look away from Jackson and at the screen. On the monitor, there were a few distinct little blobs. Arms and legs, what clearly appeared to be a head. She pointed it out with her finger on the monitor but I tuned out her words slightly, putting together the pieces on my own. It had a big head. I knew that was supposed to be normal and realistically it wasn't that big at all yet, but on the monitor, it looked so big.

"Is it moving around?" I questioned, furrowing my brow.

"Yeah," Jackson confirmed with an extra squeeze of my hand.

"It's too early for you to be able to feel the little one, but yes, the baby is moving around inside of there. Which is good. This looks to be a perfectly healthy fetus. The heart rate is at 150 beats per minute which is exactly where you want it to be at this stage in the pregnant. You're measuring eight weeks which lines up with everything you said." Dr. Montgomery explained.

"Wow." I murmured, blinking a few times to look at the both of them before turning my head to the monitor. If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn the baby practically waved at us.

"What are you thinking?" Jackson asked.

Before I realized it, tears welled in my eyes. "It looks so big." I murmured. "I know that it's not but on the screen, it just looks big." Despite the emotion glaringly obvious in my eyes, a smile pulled upward at the corner of my lips. "Do we get to keep a picture?" I asked.

"Of course," Dr. Montgomery answered. "We'll print out a couple of copies for the both of you. I'm sure that Grandma Avery will want one. Make sure to pass on my best wishes to her."

"I will," Jackson smiled. "And she definitely will. Thank you, Addison."

With the towel that Dr. Montgomery handed me, I wiped the remainder of the cool gel off my stomach. There wasn't a bump there yet. It looked like I'd eaten a full meal at most, but suddenly, it was as if there was. Seeing the baby on the monitor had made it a hundred times more real than a phone call confirming a pregnancy ever could. I waited until the obstetrician had left the room before speaking again.

"I wish I could send my mom a picture," I admitted quietly. "She'd be so happy."

"You believe in God, don't you?" Jackson asked. I nodded. "What about going to church? I don't know exactly how it works, but, that's what most people seem to do."

"I believe in God but I don't have a lot of faith in the church," I explained with a slight shrug. "Maybe I'll call one of my sisters this weekend. It's been awhile since I've talked to any of them." Suddenly having family felt important. I knew the Grey's weren't great, but my sisters had been good to me, for the most part. And they were good parents to their boys.

"That sounds like a good idea," he encouraged.

That weekend, I do. I call up my oldest sister and share the news with her – along with the news about, well, everything in my life in Seattle. I hadn't talked to any of them much since I have broken up with Matthew and decided to take things to the Pacific Northwest.

Two weeks later, I take a flight to Cleveland. Libby picked me up from the airport, practically squeezing the life of me. The beginnings of a bump were nearly there, peaking out if I wore something tight enough. I spent the weekend with her and husband and son, seeing both Kimmie and Alice as well. The four of us hadn't been together in a long time, not since the immediate days following Alice's high school graduation. That had been something big. This pregnancy would be something big, too.

Even if I was in a vastly different place in life than my sisters, unmarried and living alone, there was not the judgment that I might have expected to see from them. They had been occasionally hard on me in my younger years about my appearance or my geeky attitude, preferring the company of computers to people. But losing our parents had built a stronger bond between us. Now they saw the important things, not just what looked pretty on paper.

Returning home again, I feel rejuvenated.

It doesn't take me much longer to finish up the all of the software and website design for Jackson's private practice, as well as the software app. My boss was impressed with it. It was new territory for us given the types of company we usually worked with, and he seemed very receptive.

When I announced my pregnancy, too, he was equally excited. Not much would change on the work front for months but six weeks of paid maternity leave was an option for me, fortunately. I hadn't been sure given the size of the company. Charlotte's reaction was the one to get to me.

"Hey, Char," I murmured softly, waving her over. "I want to tell you something."

"What's up, Kepner?" She asked.

"Do you remember that guy that I talked to about, a couple weeks ago? Or… months ago, now, I guess. The one that you pushed me into just talking to directly." I reminded her.

"Yeah," Charlotte nodded. "What about him?"

I smiled. "We're expecting a baby together."

"Dammit, Kepner!" She swore. "You just cost me twenty bucks."

"What?" I asked.

"Cooper and I had a bet going. I said it wouldn't be till early next year, he bet by the end of this year." She explained, clucking her tongue and shaking her head.

"You two are the worst." Despite the words leaving my lips, though, there's a huge smile.

Of course, Charlotte was the only one who was cost money.

Babies were expensive and I was in over my head when it came to everything that was needed for them. I saw all that Jackson had. For the most part, Alexandra was still young enough that she needed a lot of it. Older things that she had outgrown like onesies could be reused, but there was a lot of it was that was still going to have to be bought again. That was assuming, of course, that the baby was a girl. I had no reason to think that it was, yet that was the only thing that I could picture.

The internet had always been my best friend, but that was especially true now that I was sinking deeper and deeper into uncharted territory with each week that passed and the bigger my belly got. We hadn't even discussed which apartment the nursery would go in. Mine made more sense, I thought, with a good baby monitor. That way the baby wouldn't wake up Alexandra.

Of course, that was going to mean turning my work space into the nursery. That was fine. Half of the time I did my work in the comfort of bed or on the couch, especially on the days where the pregnancy had me feeling less than stellar about myself.

Although I was typically a fan of Target for everything, Jackson had talked me into going to Bed Bath & Beyond for quite a few supplies. I was overwhelmed by the number and types of different strollers – I didn't know the difference between a frame or an umbrella stroller, or a jogging stroller. I'd thought all strollers could be jogging strollers. The decor of the nursery, though, was something that was a bit more exciting.

I loved decorating. I always had. This was an excuse to go overboard with all of the possible soft and fuzzy items, and I could splatter the walls with different animals that I loved and still have it be rather gender neutral. It was definitely working out for this stuff. The logistical stuff would be left to Jackson.

"What do you think about this one?" He asked, motioning to a stroller.

Looking through the pictures on the box, I squatted down slightly. My belly had begun to pop out, just resting into the top of my thighs with the bend. It looked like a nice one, one of the interchangeable ones where the baby could face you or the rest of the world. That was nice.

"Jackson– what the heck, this is a thousand dollar stroller." I blurted out suddenly. "That's insane. How can anyone afford something like that?" I questioned.

"That's about how much Alex's is." He shrugged his shoulders. "Good ones are expensive, sure, but you want a good one. Babies are just one of those things that you want to spend more money on, just in case."

"Still, that is just… so much." I straightened back up, shuddering dramatically.

"Well, there are others to look at. Plus, remember last time, you registered for that membership thing? It's twenty percent off our purchases for the year. Might as well take advantage of it." Jackson reminded me.

We both glanced at the current stroller that he had his hands on when Alexandra made a disgruntled noise. She was now just past a year old. Her birthday party had been an absolute hit with some of the different kids from daycare and it had been a nice opportunity to expose me to a few babies that weren't just his. It had been a princess theme, of course, because she was definitely our little beloved princess. I was sure there would be many more of those parties to come in the future.

"Well, you can pick out whatever you think is best. Just… don't go for the most expensive one because it's the most expensive one. Go for the best one." I breathed out as I looked around at some of the ridiculously high prices. "I'm going to go look at the decor, I think," I announced, squatting down. "Alexa, baby, do you want to go look at decor with me? Or stay with Daddy?"

Even though her nickname had been Alex from the start, that had shifted toward Alexa. Mostly because he had gotten an Amazon Alexa, and from talking to that, she had begun to respond to the name, thinking we were talking to her. Now Alex and Alexa had become interchangeable.

"Me. Me me me." Whether or not she was talking about herself or me, well, one could never be sure. But the answer wasn't Daddy, so that was clear enough.

"Well, bye-bye Daddy." I teased Jackson, grinning at him.

"I'm gonna have to make sure I'm the baby's favorite because it seems like you've already stolen this one from me." He replied with a broad shrug of his shoulders, lifting up his hands from the grip of her stroller.

Pushing Alex onward, we walked down the narrow aisle toward the back corner of the store to go through some of the decor items. Even though I was officially eighteen weeks pregnant and we had an ultrasound a week and a half ago, we still didn't know the baby's gender. The position of the ultrasound hadn't been good and we had decided against doing the amnio – my decision, mostly, uncomfortable with the procedure.

So, for now, green and yellow and purple was the way to go. The nursery walls were going to be a light green, once we decided on the exact shade. I liked the accents of silver and white along with it. I'd already picked out a pair of white curtains, and we had a fluffy gray carpet to go in the room, too. I'd wanted the white one but decided that was probably going to end up much harder to clean given it was inevitable that there were going to be accidents happening in that room, one way or another. I might as well make one thing easier for myself in the future.

"What do you think about this, little miss?" I held up the stuffed pig in front of Alex's face to test for her reaction. She reached out for her and I let her take it for a moment, straightening back up and placing a hand on my back.

"Oh, that's adorable." I turned my head toward the voice, an older woman speaking. "Be careful about all the ups and downs though, darling. You don't want to hurt you're back while you're expecting." She added.

"Thank you," I smiled softly. Women loved to input about other's pregnancies. "You have kids?"

"I do," she nodded. "They're all grown though, now. My oldest is actually expecting her first grandkid." She said with a sense of pride. "You must be excited for your first. Are you babysitting to get some practice?" She asked, motioning toward Alex squishing the stuffed pig.

I blinked a few times at her specific words. "Huh?"

"I said you must be excited, with the babysitting to practice for your first." She repeated. There was something about the little polite smile on her lips that didn't sit well with me.

"What makes you think that she isn't my first?" I asked, folding my arms over my stomach defensively.

"Oh, sweetheart, there's no reason to get worked up about it." She started, waving her hand dismissively at my reaction. "It's obvious that little girl isn't your first. That skin and those curls, that's clearly a black baby. And you, very clearly, are not the mother to a black baby." She almost seemed smug with the way that she stated the works, so simple as if there was no room to argue with them.

I stared at her with wide eyes for a long moment, trying to wrap my mind around what she was saying. Sure, it was clear that Alexandra was black – she did look like Jackson more than Lexie, absolutely, even if she had her mother's dark eyes. But the fact that this woman would just so boldly assume I was some distant person to her enraged me.

"What the fuck?" I finally blurted out, voice barking out much louder than I intended. "Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Alexandra is my little girl. And this little girl is going to be her little sister, and yes, her father is black. Who are you to act like interracial relationships are some kind of forbidden thing, or that they don't happen? It's 2018. Of course they happen! And even if I'm not a biological parent to her, that doesn't matter. Kids are adopted. Women are surrogates. It's no longer just about the biology of a parent and their child. It is so, so much bigger than that. So why don't you shut your mouth before you even think about saying another word because I may be pregnant but I swear to god, I will hurt you if you say another negative thing about either of my children again." The more that came out, the louder that my words became. Volume control had gone out the window.

"Excuse me, miss, is there a problem?" One of the employees monitoring the store had no doubt heard me, coming over to try and diffuse the situation belatedly.

"You're damn right there's a problem, this racist piece of trash just–"

"April, April." Jackson's words cut me off. Apparently, he had heard me blowing up at her, too. At least I could blame this on hormones. Or maybe rightfully blame it, because suddenly there were tears forming in my eyes despite the rage there. "What's going on?"

"She's trying to say that Alex isn't mine just because she's black as if there's something–" I began again, but this time, I was cut off by the woman speaking again.

And of course, she was playing the innocent card. "Oh, honey, that's not what I was trying to say at all." She waved her hand again. "I think that you're just getting a little wound up. I'm sure it's the hormones and all." She smiled, sickeningly sweet.

"Fuck you!" I barked at her.

"Okay, okay, why don't we all just calm down?" The worker spoke, looking mildly panicked by my outrage. I suppose no one wanted to mess around with a pregnant woman. At least I had finally found something that was truly beneficial about the pregnancy. "I think that it's best we all just take a deep breath and try to calm down." He repeated.

"I am obviously pregnant, with a child, and trying to shop of my new baby's nursery and you expect me to deal with someone who is clearly being racist toward me, and you want me to calm down? Really?" I stared at him with wide eyes.

"April." Jackson's hand came down on my shoulder as he repeated my name. "He's right, cool it."

I turned toward him with wide eyes. "How are you alright with this?" I asked, before looking back at him. "And how are you alright with letting this lady shop here? Do you support her harmful viewpoints? Because I'm sure that Yelp and the rest of the internet will be really, really interested in hearing all about you guys supporting that."

"No, no, of course not." He shook his head. "U–uh, ma'am," he turned toward the other woman. "I think that it would be best for everyone if you left, please."

"I can't believe this." She muttered, straightening up and shaking her head.

"I can't believe you. It's 2018! Just because you're old doesn't mean your views have to be!" I yelled after her.

None of the rage in my system began to qualify until she was out of sight. Jackson's hand didn't leave my shoulder, squeezing and massaging it slightly. Stress wasn't good for the baby. I was sure that was what he was thinking. I knew that it wasn't, but something like that happening in the middle of Bed Bath & freakin' Beyond just got under my skin. I didn't understand how there was anywhere in the world where a woman could say that to a stranger and think it was okay.

"Are you calm now?" Jackson asked, leaning down and kissing the top of my head.

"Barely," I breathed out, placing both of my hands on my hips and squeezing my eyes shut for a moment. "I just can't believe that she would say something like that to me, or to anyone else. That's unacceptable."

"It is, but that's a part of the world that we live in." He turned me toward him, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. "It sucks sometimes. But thank you, for standing up for me and Alex."

"And the new baby," I added, lips slightly pouting. "But I shouldn't have had to."

"I'm still glad you did. It's not always easy for me to say something, and it won't always be easy for our kids to either, you know? People like her, they like to paint us as angry and disregard it as nothing more than that. It's different when they hear it from another white woman. You're using your white privilege for something good." He assured me. Right or not, I had a hard time being calm while standing there.

I looked around, weight shifting restlessly from side to side. "Can we go somewhere else now?"

"Of course," Jackson answered with a nod of his head. "C'mon, Momma bear." One hand went to Alex's stroller so he could push her out, and his other arm looped around my shoulders, pulling me in.

A very necessary stop is made for frozen yogurt. I load up the strawberry with an unnecessary amount of cherries and candies, satisfying the sugar crazing. I'm supposed to be eating healthy, of course, but there's a necessary balance between keeping my body healthy and keeping my mind happy. After that interaction, I needed to go for the latter in the same way that I needed oxygen. The frozen yogurt naturally made Alexandra pretty happy, too.

Cooled off from the brain freeze and somewhat emotionally, we hit up another place to look at baby clothes. Jackson and I both have a type that we gravitate toward, distinctively. I tend to go for things with animals – elephants, ladybugs, you name it. He tended to go more toward things with amusing words printed on it. This baby would have a good mix of both.

"Oh, look at these pajamas!" I squealed, holding up a hooded dinosaur onesie.

"That's cute," he chuckled. "You don't think it's a little feminine?"

"Maybe," I shrugged. "But I don't know why I just feel like it's a girl. Maybe it's maternal instinct like all of those pregnancy and parenting books that got me talk about. I keep dreaming of a little baby sister for Alex. That's all. What do you think it is?"

"Well, you are swaying me towards girl a little bit." Jackson chuckled. "But I've got my fingers crossed for a boy. That's why I say we should get it determined at the next ultrasound, so we can do the nursery properly."

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah hopefully, she or he will be positioned better."

"Also, about the nursery…" I glanced up at him. "We haven't really talked about where it's going to be." Jackson reminded me, walking out of the store. I followed him to the car.

"I think my apartment would make more sense. I mean, I know that's probably inconvenient for you, but… if I breastfeed, which the books say that I should, I'll have to be getting up most during the night anyways. Plus that should keep Alex from being woken up by any screaming or crying." I answered, glancing over at him as I climbed into the car and waiting for him to get the little girl sorted in her car seat.

"I can see that, yeah." He nodded. "But I was also thinking that maybe you could just move in with me. Save on the rent, you know, since babies are expensive as you keep pointing out. We could sleep with her in our room or I could turn my office into the nursery, even if it's a bit small."

Even though it seemed like it was perhaps the most financially reasonable solution to the question, it was somehow one that I hadn't considered. I knew that after Lexie, relationship milestones were something that he would take slow with the pregnancy. There may have been one or two semi-inappropriate and mostly teasing comments about how he definitely needed to propose for me even though his baby was growing in my belly. Not intended to frighten him off, really, even if in hindsight they perhaps had not been the most tasteful comments.

"That might be kind of crowded." I murmured, pressing my lips together as I considered it.

The demand of her music coming from the backseat distracted from the conversation at hand for just a minute, leaning forward to get it on her CD and turning the volume up for her. I fell quiet for a moment, leaning back into the front seat and letting my gaze turn out the window.

Jackson wasn't a fast driver. I didn't know if it was just because Alex and I were in the car, but he was always extremely careful with everything that he did. He always used his turn signal, always looked over his shoulder when he was changing lanes, never dared to speed up when the light turned yellow. He was a good driver, just like he had told me the first time that we had gotten behind the wheel together.

"I think I want to learn how to drive," I murmured, keeping my gaze on the rainy streets.

"Really?" Jackson questioned.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I don't want you to always have to do the driving. What if I'm in labor and you're at work?" The private practice was set up and functioning, finally. "It'd be silly to call an ambulance and I mean, I would hate to burden an Uber driver like that. That would have to be uncomfortable for them. I'm twenty-eight, almost twenty-nine. I should know how to drive a car." Daddy couldn't always be responsible for transportation. I was going to have to do this eventually.

"I'm happy to help you with that, April." He reached over for my hand, patting it twice before placing his hand on top of mine. "I think it's a good idea. I'm glad that you want to do that. That's big."

"Yeah," I swallowed thick. "Yeah, it is."

Other kids have been sixteen and dying to get behind the wheel of their parent's car. The only thing that I had ever driven in my life had been a bike and a tractor. Neither were particularly similar to a car, I didn't think. Or at least I knew that the bike wasn't. But that wasn't going to be a reasonable option with a baby in tow, and it was getting less comfortable while pregnant.

"And… maybe if we wanted to move into a house instead of an apartment, it would be a better option and easier for me. For getting to and from work, or anything else. I know most of the nice apartments aren't quite as central to downtown and everything else." I threw out there.

"Really?" I could see him glance over at me. "A house?"

"Yeah," I shrugged slightly. "You're the one who brought up moving in together and… at least a house, you know, they could have two bedrooms. It still wouldn't be paying for two places and it's supposed to be better, financially, in the long term." I wet my lips as I paused slightly. "We have successful careers, Alex, and this baby… I think a house of our own would be the reasonable next step, right? Not even as a relationship, but just like, as two functioning adults." I looked over at him, gaze searching across his expression.

"I think that's a really great idea, April." Jackson glanced over at me for just a moment before returning his gaze to the road. "We can get somewhere a little closer to the practice. That'll make it easier in the first months, for sure. Mark and Warren both said they're happy to do work for the practice around the baby's birth."

I smiled. "Good. They're both good men." Even if my first experience with his former hospital coworkers had been less than positive, those two did seem like genuinely good people. I liked having them as a part of our lives and I knew they were good to Jackson, too.

"Let's do it. Let's buy a house together, April." Jackson beamed.

"Yeah, let's do it."