Chapter Eleven

Sacrifice

December 2004 Phoenix Arizona

Christmas vacation was approaching and I wondered if the holiday season would make things any better. Phil was away a lot, which was making my mother miserable. I tried to recall the happy summer months when she and Phil were newly-weds, seemingly enjoying a permanent honeymoon, but it seemed such a long time ago now.

Once the baseball season had started, the honeymoon period was over. My mother seemed to wander from depression to despair. She moped around waiting for the next phone call. She wasn't coping well without him. I had argued with her that she should go with him. I could cope on my own. In fact, it would be easier on my own; I wouldn't have to constantly look out for her. But she wouldn't hear of it. She insisted on staying behind while Phil went on tour.

Right now she was pinning all her hopes on a promise Phil had made about being home for a couple of weeks over the holiday period, and I sincerely hoped he would keep to his word. Maybe I could ask him to persuade her to go with him, even if it was just for the odd week. He knew the score, he was aware I was looking out for her; not the other way around. Something would have to be done soon because I couldn't bear to see her so unhappy.

I had tried all sorts to snap her out of her depression. We had been to the cinema a few times, another night we had gone bowling, which had been a complete disaster as I had, predictably, ended up on my back, forcing us to cut the evening short and return home. I had even signed up for a dance class, which was a real personal sacrifice for someone with two left feet, just so the two of us could do something together. The humiliation of it had been almost unbearable and I had almost broken my ankle in the process, falling over one of my left feet. After three weeks that had been abandoned because she hadn't been in the mood for it.

"I think I'll give it a miss tonight Bella," she had said when I was already upstairs getting ready for it. "You can go without me, if you like honey. I'm really not in the mood tonight, besides, Phil said he'd call."

Well, I didn't go either. Why would I? It was torture. And Phil didn't call that night.

It was the last day of High School today. Sarah Lacey, one of the few girls I could actually associate with and call a friend, had invited me to a party at her house later to celebrate the end of semester, but I had decided I wouldn't be going. The last time I had gone to one of their parties I had cut my hand on broken glass and ended up in hospital having stitches. Social gatherings were only slightly less daunting than dance classes, but all the other girls were excited about it, deciding what to wear and discussing which boys were likely to be there. It made it easy for me to escape when the bell rang, sounding the end of classes for this year. I doubt anyone noticed I had left.

When I got home from school Renee was sat at the kitchen table and it was obvious she had been crying. Her eyes were red and swollen and I couldn't help noticing she appeared to have aged about ten years since the summer.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked.

"Phil phoned. He's not going to make it home until the middle of next week. There's a game he has to go to on Saturday and then there is some social event he is expected to attend next Tuesday; some Christmas ball or something. Partners are invited too, but of course..."

"Well, that's only a few more days. He'll be home before Christmas." I interrupted, wondering why she wouldn't just go for a few days. It would be just the tonic she needed. I was trying hard to come up with a plan that would encourage her to leave. It was so clearly what she was subconsciously asking me for.

"Yeah, just about. This is so hard for me Bella. I'm so sorry, I'm such a wreck."

"Yeah, look you can't go on like this. You need to be with him. I've told you before, go! Just go with him. I can manage here."

"I can't expect you to get ready for Christmas all here on your own. There's food to buy, presents to organise…."

"Mum, I'm going to be doing it all anyway, so what difference does it make if you are here or not."

"Well, I can help, obviously."

"You are no help to me when you are moping around, just go!"

"No Bella, I couldn't leave you."

"Look mum, I am not talking about just Christmas, I'm talking about in general. I wish you would just go wherever Phil goes." I was forming a plan in my mind. It was not going to be pleasant, or easy, but it was one that I knew she wouldn't be able to resist.

Besides, I was getting tired of this conversation. We had been through this over and over again, and always ended up hitting the same brick wall; Renee refusing to acknowledge that I could manage without her; refusing to accept that we had in fact, undergone a role reversal several years ago. We were just going around in circles again.

"I could go and live with Charlie?" I suddenly blurted out.

"What?" Clearly she thought I was mad. I thought I was mad too. I couldn't believe I was even entertaining the idea, but if that was what it would take, then I would go through with it.

"Well, if the only thing that is keeping you here is me, then I will remove myself. I'll go and live with Charlie and you can be free to tour with Phil without having to worry about me. Ok?"

"Bella, no! It's not ok. You hate Forks. The last time you went there you came back in such a foul mood and you refused to go there ever again."

"I hate it here too when you are so unhappy."

She paused as if considering her next argument and then asked "Have I really been that bad?"

"Yes, it's been dreadful. I can't bear to see you so unhappy."

"But moving to Forks will make you unhappy."

"I'll be fine, I'm sure Forks won't be so bad," I lied. To be honest, I wasn't sure why I had suggested this, but surely it couldn't be worse than watching someone I loved dearly get more and more depressed, knowing the reason for her unhappiness was her unwillingness to leave me on my own, even if it was misguided. I hadn't been to Forks for five or six years. I doubted it would have changed much, but I maybe I would be pleasantly surprised. At least I could give it a go. I could always come back if it was totally unbearable. By then mum would have moved on with Phil, I would be almost eighteen and she wouldn't have to concern herself.

"I'll give Charlie a call later," I told her, trying my best to sound cheerful about it.

"I'm not sure Bella, I couldn't ask you to do this for me."

"You're not, I'm just doing it anyway, because, well...because I want to."

She looked at me quizzically, trying to see if there was any hesitation in my tone which would belie my apparent optimism.

"Bella?" she asked.

"What?"

"Are you absolutely sure about this?" I could tell she was struggling between feeling she needed to be the concerned parent, not wanting to feel she was pushing her only daughter away, and wanting to be the foolhardy teenager, running off into the sunset with the love of her life. I knew if I continued with the plan, the teenager inside of her would win. She wouldn't be able to help herself. I wondered how old I had been when I had actually become more mature than she was.

"I'm sure mum. Look, I'll call Charlie later, once I've put all this lot away," and I picked up the large pile of neatly folded laundry I had ironed last night and left on the kitchen table, in the hope that she might do something with it while I was at school. Clearly she had not felt up to it, or more than likely had not even noticed it.

After I had cooked tea and washed the dishes up I glanced at the clock to make sure Charlie would be home from work before I called him. It was almost seven so I should be ok, even taking into account the one hour time difference.

Charlie picked up after a couple of rings.

"Chief Swan," he announced.

"Hi dad, it's me."

"Oh, Hi Bells, how are things?"

"Ok, great, well no actually, not so great. Nothing to worry about though, just that well…." Come on Bella, spit it out! "Well, mum isn't coping too well with Phil being away, in fact she's really miserable, and I was wondering if, well, if it would be alright to come live with you for a while?"

Silence ensued from the other end. Surely he wouldn't say no?

Eventually Charlie replied. "Yeah, sure, er sorry, I was a bit taken aback there. I never thought I would hear that from you."

"Yeah, it's a bit of a shock to myself actually." I fabricated a small laugh to lighten the situation.

"Is Renee ok? She's not sick or anything?" Charlie asked

"No, only love sick," I replied, not sure if that was the right thing to say to her ex-husband, but it was typical of Charlie to worry about her health. I don't think he had ever stopped caring. "She'll be fine once she gets on the road with Phil and she won't do that with me here."

"OK, Bella, sure. It will be great to have you here. Er, there isn't much for you to do here though. Nothing ever happens, and you won't have any friends, well, to start with anyway. I sure hope you will be ok. I'll get you registered with the school, if that's what you want?"

"Yeah, that will be good. I don't want to miss a year." I didn't really have any friends here either but the prospect of a new school and lots of attention as the new girl filled me with dread. I reminded myself immediately of the reason I was doing this.

"Ok, Bella, I'll get that old room of yours sorted out. I've kind of been using it for storing stuff. It could do with a lick of paint."

It could do with a bit more than a lick of paint if it was anything like I remembered it. "Don't go to too much bother. You know I don't like a lot of fuss."

"Yep, like father like daughter!" he chuckled.

"Yeah, definitely."

"So, when are you coming?"

"Oh, I hadn't really thought about that. In a couple of months I guess. I only thought of the idea today and I wanted to make sure you were ok with it before I made too many plans."

"Ok, no worries. Plenty of time to get that room ready then. Any particular colour?"

"Anything but pink please. And nothing too girly," I reminded him. "Oh, and have a good Christmas. Are you doing anything special?" I knew he wouldn't be but it was polite to ask.

"No, not really. Billy Black has invited me over to the Reservation but I'm not sure I'm going yet. I might just stay here this year."

"Oh, why's that? You always go to the reservation over Christmas."

"Yeah, but...well things have been a bit strained lately. Billy and I had a bit of a falling out a couple of months ago and I'm not sure he really wants me there."

"If he didn't want you there he wouldn't have asked. Billy is straight as they come, if I remember him well enough. You should go, make up with him. How long have you been friends?"

"Oh, about forty years, thereabouts."

"Exactly, grow up dad." I teased, laughing a little to show I was joking.

"Yeah, I guess. OK, well you have a good Christmas too. Say hi to Renee and Phil."

"Will do, cheers!"

OK, so that was it. There was no going back now. Destination Forks, here I come. At least I had given myself a couple of months to prepare, but was that just prolonging the agony? The full horror of what I had just agreed to slowly began to sink in. Oh my God, what have I done?

Thanks for all your reviews! Please keep them coming. I'm so glad you like my story so far. Thanks for taking the time to read it!

There was one thing I thought of that I want to apologise for; I am not American and I sincerely apologise to any American readers for any inaccuracies with your culture and indeed your geography/language/education system etc. I have done a little research and I am trying to get it right, but do feel free to let me know if there are any glaring errors and I will correct. Many thanks.