A/N: Ugh Rachel and Sam is almost as bad as Rachel and Finn. I have nothing good to say to Glee right now and I still don't own anything.
Chapter 11
Quinn felt lighter after her conversation with Jamie. She and the lanky brunette had parted ways as friends and there were little to no hard feelings. Despite feeling better about the situation with Jamie, she was still restless. Santana and Rachel had yet to return from wherever they went. Quinn decided to be productive, so she tidied her room. Not content with that, she moved on to clean the kitchen and sort her laundry. In the middle of her task her phone pinged. Quinn hurriedly picked it up and opened the text message from Santana. She was grateful for remembering to give the Latina her new number. The message was typical Santana. Cmng bck! U bst b nice 2 th Hobbit! She sighed in relief and typed out a response. At least they were coming back and she would have a chance to undo some of the damage she had inadvertently caused.
About twenty minutes later there was a sharp knock on the door. Wiping her suddenly damp palms on her jeans, Quinn took a deep breath and opened the door. Before she could even say anything a tiny blur pounced on her and burrowed into her arms. "I'm so sorry, Quinn," Rachel's voice was muffled by Quinn's sweatshirt.
Quinn gently lifted Rachel's chin until their eyes met. Her smile was soft and remorseful. "Sweetie, why are you apologizing? I'm the one that's sorry. I let my own pain get in the way of being the friend you needed and I'll always regret it," the blonde whispered back.
"Ugh! You two are gross! I'm heading back to New York. Berry, I already texted the pretty princess to let him know that you were safe. Q, don't give me a reason to bring back the razor blades in the hair. Later, bitches." Santana whirled and strode away.
Both girls were frozen in each other's arms as they watched Santana perform her own version of a diva storm out. They turned to look at each other and blushed before breaking into laughter. Before any awkwardness could return Quinn gently disentangled their arms and pulled Rachel into her room by the hand. Keeping their hands connected, she maneuvered the brunette onto the couch and sat down. The blonde laced her fingers with Rachel's to hold on to that connection as she prepared for the inevitable awkward conversation. She cleared her throat and raised her eyes to meet Rachel's.
Rachel beat her to the punch. "So," she whispered shyly, "how long have you been in love with me?"
Quinn smiled softly at the little diva. "Leave it to you to ask the tough question first." She sighed. Her slender fingers played nervously with tan ones as she gathered her thoughts. "I first started noticing an attraction during my pregnancy." The blonde ignored the sharp intake of breath from the little brunette as she pressed on. "I thought it was hormonal, but it didn't go away. I tried everything to stay away from you, but it only got stronger. And then after that summer after everything happened with B..Beth and Shelby, you know, when we bonded. I just couldn't get you out of my head." Quinn paused to look into Rachel's eyes. "I was afraid of losing everything again, so I wanted to get my reputation back and be on top. At least my life was manageable that way. So when school started I decided to think of new ways to torture you, but I just couldn't bear hurting you like that anymore. Then I went after Sam, so that I had a distraction from thinking about you."
"Is that why you helped me with Finn?" Rachel interrupted.
"Yeah. I just moved back in with my mother and everything at home was still in pieces. My parents were going through a divorce and my mom was trying to stop drinking. I couldn't add to those problems by telling my mother that I was attracted to girls, so I threw myself into getting my reputation back. I helped you because it was a win-win situation. If Finn wanted me, then I could make it back to the top and make you hate me and if he chose you I wouldn't be tempted to act on my feelings for you."
Quinn took in the shocked expression on Rachel's face. "Is this too much?," she asked gently as she lifted a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind the brunette's ear.
A tiny shiver worked down Rachel's spine before she squeaked, "It's f...fine. Keep going."
"Then everything went to hell after I cheated on Sam and you threw that party." Rachel grimaced at the memory.
"Ugh! I wish I could go back in time and stop my horrendous wardrobe choices that night."
"I thought you were adorable, if a little um overdressed." Rachel smiled as Quinn continued, "I knew that I was a goner when you made out with Blaine. It made me want to rip out every hair on his overly gelled head."
The diva giggled inadvertently at the scowl on Quinn's face. Without realizing it, she shifted closer to the blonde.
Quinn smiled at Rachel before dropping her head in shame. "I tried so hard to push you away after that. I was cruel to you and I used Finn to get prom queen and then I...I slapped you." Tears dripped down the blonde's face as she got lost in the memory. "My life had fallen apart and I just wanted one thing to go right for me. I wanted to make my mother proud. I just needed someone to blame and..."
"It's okay, Quinn," Rachel stated softly, "I forgave you for that when it happened. I knew that you didn't mean to hurt me. You looked more hurt than I did." She reached up with both hands to wipe away the tears on Quinn's pale cheeks.
"You have no idea how much I wanted to kiss you that night." The blonde lifted a hand to trap one of Rachel's against her cheek. "You were so beautiful and comforting and all I wanted was to press my lips to yours and confess everything."
Rachel's throat closed up at the emotion shining out of damp green eyes. The normal hazel hue was a brilliant green that glowed with affection. She felt her own eyes dampen at the knowledge that Quinn had been so miserable even as her heart beat erratically at the blonde's words.
"A...and then came Jean's funeral and he broke up with me and you kissed him at Nationals and I went a little crazy. That summer I just thought that I could be happy if I got Beth back. I would finally have someone love me unconditionally." Rachel squeezed her hands in sympathy and the blonde continued, "And then you asked me to come back to glee and I couldn't say no." Tears streamed down her face once again.
The brunette leaned forward and grabbed Quinn in a tight hug. The blonde buried her face in Rachel's shoulder as she cried. Rachel was amazed at the emotion pouring out of the Quinn. She was normally so aloof and cold that seeing her break down was heart-wrenching.
It took a few minutes for her to calm down, but Quinn immediately pulled out of Rachel's embrace to move along with her confession. "I stopped resisting being your friend after that. You stopped me from ruining my baby's life and alienating everyone I cared about. When you asked if we were friends and I said 'kind of;' it was all I could do not to crush you in my arms and never let go."
"I do recall a change in your attitude towards me after that," Rachel mused as they clasped hands once again.
Quinn hesitated before tentatively asking Rachel, "Some of the rest of this story involves Finn. Are you okay with me bringing up my and your history with him?"
Rachel squared her shoulders and nodded. "I'm well aware of my past mistakes involving Finn. It might hurt to remember, but I'm finding that talking about him helps, even if it involves his and my flaws." She paused before stating quietly, "He and I weren't together when he died because neither of us were ready. We both needed to grow some more before being together was possible.."
"Okay, Rach. I just want to make sure that you're ready for the rest of this conversation." Quinn took a deep breath, "The hardest part for me was when you and Finn wanted to get married. I knew that you weren't ready. Either of you. You were both a little lost and grabbed each other. I couldn't let you give up on your dreams, so I tried to talk you out of it. And then came Regionals and I saw you sing to Finn and I asked you about it."
The little diva's breath caught at Quinn's admission. She remembered that hallway conversation and the look on Quinn's face. She had thought the question 'you were singing to Finn and only to Finn right?' had been odd.
"I couldn't deny anymore that he made you happy. Since that was all I wanted I decided to support you, only I was late and had that stupid accident, but I considered the temporary loss of using my legs a small price to pay if it saved you from screwing up your future."
Rachel flinched at the memory, but piped up, "Why did you give me prom queen? It was everything you wanted."
Santanna and I both felt that it was a way to make a difference. You needed your confidence back and I wanted to help. You looked so beautiful on that dance floor and if I had been able to do so I would've tried to dance with you."
Rachel stayed quiet to encourage Quinn to continue.
"You know the rest. I kinda lost my way for awhile when I got here. I hooked up with a professor because he wasn't an immature high school boy and I joined a secret society because status is something I understand. It's a protective shield."
"What about Santana?"
Quinn hung her head in shame. "I'm sorry you found out that way, Rachel. She was hurting over Britney and I was angry at you and myself. I hadn't spoken with you in weeks and you completely ignored me. I let my anger and jealousy get the better of me and I did something stupid. I thought of you the whole time, just like Santana thought of Britney."
The little brunette let that sink in before a thought occurred. The memory of Quinn in the arms of another woman only a few days before was still fresh she repressed a wave of irrational jealousy. "And what about Jamie? What does your girlfriend think about all this? I did after all interrupt y..your u..um"
The blonde was quick to reassure the diva. "We didn't. I...I couldn't go through with it."
"I heard you laughing! You were just in a sheet! I'm not stupid, Quinn." Rachel tried to get up, but Quinn pulled her back to the couch.
"Calm down, Rach. Of course you're not stupid. And we were laughing because the situation was awkward. I was wrapped in a sheet because we almost got there, but I didn't want to have sex with someone else that wasn't you."
Brown eyes searched green ones for any trace of deceit. Seeing nothing but sincerity, Rachel's breath hitched. "So now what do we do?"
"Well I think it's your turn. Why don't you tell me how you feel about everything?"
A/N2: So there you have it; progress! I hope I did alright with Quinn's explanation. I wanted to highlight some important moments, but not go into too much detail as Rachel was there also. Hopefully that came across. I only wanted her to use examples to show her own feelings. Next chapter is Rachel's feelings. Rate and review please.
