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By the Baring of my Soul
~ Chapter Eleven ~
Swinging around to face Rose in a room that was now empty but for the two of us, my first reaction was to go to her…to offer her support of some kind or at the very least comfort in words even if I couldn't touch her. But I knew that I couldn't, even when in this very moment I wanted it more than I wanted the truth.
Heading instead for safer territory, I walked to the beverage station to Rose's right as the silence between us continued to grow. Littered with sugar, cream, packets of spiced teas, hot chocolate and an always present pot of percolating coffee, my fingers reached for two Styrofoam cups.
It was as good an excuse as any for an opener…and it also kept my hands away from temptation.
Glancing over my left shoulder, Rose had barely moved from her seat since the end of the hearing. The only difference in her appearance was in the folding of her arms across her chest in a movement that could have been to ward off the cold, but seemed oddly defensive in nature.
Feeling a corresponding ache in my own chest that was becoming harder to ignore, I avoided the coffee; knowing that she disliked its taste, and grabbed the instant hot chocolate packets between the powered cream and spoons before quietly asking.
"You want some hot chocolate?"
Breathing deeply, Rose turned in her seat to face me. The arms were still folded tightly and she was no less distrustful even knowing that it was just us in the room…or maybe, that was the reason for her wariness. After what had happened earlier, she didn't know how to react to me.
Unsurprised by how much the thought of her doubting me in any way rankled, I raised a brow at her in question.
Nodding in answer, Rose got to her feet and slowly walked towards me. "Sure."
Ripping open the packets of the hot chocolate, I doubled the mixture to improve the taste before adding cream and hot water. Feeling her at my side before she had even reached it, I looked over to her briefly before filling the cups to the brim.
"Doubling it is the secret."
Not expecting a reply, I stirred both cups before plucking a few wooden stirrers from the holder and dipping them into the scalding mixture. Passing along a cup to Rose, I took a sip and walked towards the glass doors to the side of the room that led out to a breakfast patio that was rarely used in winter.
The only reason I wanted to use it now was that it was a neutral setting. If we remained in the meeting room it would be a constant reminder of what we had just sat through and I didn't want it interfering with what would come.
Following closely behind me, Rose frowned as we stepped over the threshold and into the enclosed room bordering a small courtyard before her eyes widened in surprise and she stopped to look around a part of the building that very few novices had ever seen before.
"Where are we – oh."
Encased in glass and iced over by frost and frozen, early morning dew; the first weak rays of dawn caught and refracted off the corners and created shards of diluted light. It created the illusion of being trapped inside a frozen droplet.
Ignoring the chill in the air, I walked towards the closest patio table and set the cup down. Pulling out two white chairs designed in lattice work, I dusted mine and sat, waiting for Rose to do the same. Moving her own chair slightly to the right so that we sat opposite instead of next to each other, Rose curled herself into the seat and curved her fingers around her cup for warmth whilst she blew on it.
Grabbing my cup, I took a large gulp of the steaming-hot liquid and used it as an opportunity to look her over whilst her attention was still captured by the fairy-tale quality of the room…not to see what I had seen a hundred times before, but to see what I couldn't – what she was hiding.
And I knew she was hiding something.
Her posture might no longer be defensive; her cheeks no longer flushed with angry colour, but it was her eyes that gave her away. They always did. I don't think she really even knew how expressive the exotically brown depths were…how they told an entirely different story to what she was saying or how she was acting.
And right now her eyes were telling me that the excuses she had told were the farthest thing from the truth. I just had to wait her out.
Looking away from her briefly as the silence between us continued; not uncomfortably, but with a quiet, easy companionship that was always underscored by a level of intimacy and attraction neither of us could act on, I could feel her study me as secretively as I had studied her before.
Feeling the unmistakable undercurrent of love and desire bind us together, it was enough in the moment to simply sit there with each other. There wasn't anything else that needed to be said for the moment. The questions and the lies would come later.
Draining the last of the hot chocolate, the minutes stretched out between us as dawn began to light the grounds in filtering rays of sunlight. The thick copse of Sycamore's that faced the patio blocked out most of the light, but our eyes didn't need much to adjust.
Curfew was about fifteen-minutes out and the grounds would be rapidly emptying as dhampir and Moroi alike returned to the dorms. Not wanting to disturb the peace between us, but knowing that there was very little time left to us before she would have to leave, I turned to face her fully as she continued to sip at her cocoa and sighed quietly.
Stretching out my legs, I folded the flaps of the duster over them and folded my hands together on my lap as I finally spoke.
"What happened out there? You didn't crack under the pressure."
I wanted to add that she was far too good to let the pressure get to her, but I kept that to myself as Rose looked at me sharply. The tension between us suddenly escalated as the ease disappeared as quickly as the ice around us would melt in the spring.
Running the tip of her finger absently around the rim of the cup, I watched as Rose began to withdraw. I had expected it, but the frustration of not knowing why was harder to deal with. The level of trust between us had always left us exposed – hiding from each other never ended well for either of us, but I could see that she was already trying to.
Keeping her eyes away from mine, she focused on the finger still rimming the cup before quietly replying.
"Of course it was. Unless you believe I really did let Stan 'attack' Christian."
There may have been a multitude of doubts flooding my mind and my emotions since the hearing had ended, but I had never entertained among them that she would ever deliberately endanger anyone...even if she had no real cause to like who she was protecting.
Turning towards the table, I leaned forward to rest my elbow on the dusty surface, willing her to look at me. If she couldn't hear the sincerity in my voice, I at least wanted her to see it in my eyes.
"No. I don't believe that. I never did. I knew you'd be unhappy when you found out about the assignments, but I never once doubted that you'd do what you'd have to for this. I knew you wouldn't let your personal feelings get in the way of your duty."
Lifting her head at my words and unable to mistake everything that I couldn't say out loud to her, Rose slowly began to let me in as she remembered that I could be trusted.
"I didn't," she started, her gaze steady against my own. "I was mad…still am a little. But once I said I'd do it, I meant it. And after spending some time with him…well, I don't hate him. I actually think he's good for Lissa, and he cares about her, so I can't get upset about that."
Swirling the stirring stick around the darkness of the sweetened liquid, Rose shook her head slightly. "He and I clash sometimes, that's all…but we did really well together against the Strigoi. I remembered that while I was with him today, and arguing against this assignment just seemed stupid. So I decided to do the best job I could."
Nodding in encouragement at the frankness of her confession and more than happy to let her continue to talk so freely; especially when she was mentioning something as traumatizing as Spokane, I pushed for what I really wanted to know…what I needed to know.
"What happened then? With Stan?"
His accusations against her might have been partially founded in truth, but I still had doubts that he was little more than an innocent bystander.
Dropping her gaze immediately as I realized in the same moment that I had pushed too hard, too fast; Rose once again found the rim of her cup a point of fascination. Cursing myself for rushing her when I should have shown more patience and restraint, I sat back and waited for her.
Glancing up, Rose saw my patient determination and sighed in defeat before lowering her head again to focus on fidgeting with her nails. "I don't know what happened out there. My intentions were good…I just…I just messed up."
Sighing myself this time, but in exasperation and not resignation, I laid my right arm on the table and drummed my fingers against it. I wasn't usually given to showing outward signs of my frustration, but when she lied to me whilst using the most generic nonsense ever thought up, I couldn't help it.
Why couldn't she just tell me the truth? I wouldn't judge, criticize or blame her. I only wanted to know the truth…to help her.
"Rose. You're a terrible liar."
Lifting the wooden stirrer, Rose dropped it back into her unfinished chocolate but wouldn't meet my gaze. A sure-fire way of knowing that she was about to defend her excuses when she knew that I wouldn't believe a word she was going to say.
"No, I'm not. I've told a lot of good lies in my life. People have believed them."
Yes, but none of those people were me, I thought. Try as we might have once, neither of us could deny that we knew each other as well as we did ourselves. It should have worried me that after knowing someone for only six months they could so accurately predict my every move, but with Rose, the barriers I had erected with others just seemed pointless.
Not even Ivan had known me as well.
Hearing the grouchiness in her voice now as she realised she was about to trap herself with her own words made me grin in indulgent humour. "I'm sure. But it doesn't work with me. For one thing, you won't look me in the eye. As for the other…I don't know. I can just tell."
Glaring briefly up at me with mild resentment that I knew was directed more at herself for being so easy to read – for me at least, Rose picked up her cup and stood abruptly; leaving me floundering momentarily at the unexpectedness of the movement. When she finally did meet my eyes, I was confused by what I saw, but it was gone a second later as Rose skirted the table and headed to the door.
Keeping the rigid lines of her back towards me, Rose muttered quickly. "Look, I appreciate you being worried about me…but really, it's okay. I just messed up. I'm embarrassed about it – and sorry I put your awesome training to shame – but I'll rebound. Next time, Stan's ass is mine."
Surging to my feet in a single, powerful movement; I stood an inch behind her before she knew that I had even left my seat. She was aware that I was behind her because her posture – already taut and strained – became more rigidly set.
Did she honestly think that any of this was about my disappointment in her squandering her talents or wasting what she had learnt? Did she honestly think that I gave a damn about any of that when it was her future on the line?
Placing a gentle hand on her right shoulder, I held Rose in place as I replayed her reply and stifled the shudder of hunger I could never control around her…something that I didn't need any charm to enhance. Something that was becoming more difficult to ignore and control.
"Rose," I began gruffly, my amusement long gone. "I don't know why you're lying, but I know you wouldn't do it without a good reason. And if there's something wrong – something you're afraid of to tell the others –"
Pivoting so smoothly swiftly on her heel that the entire movement was fluidly silent, Rose turned to face me again whilst trying to pull away from me by flattening her back against the door. Feeling the tips of my calloused fingertips drag over the silken skin covering her collarbone and neck; they tingled in a shock of need as they landed on the opposite shoulder.
Unable to hide herself when we were so close that I felt surrounded by the heated scent of her, Rose's desperation was so starkly visible I was stunned into silence. I had only ever seen her on the brink once before…and it was not a memory I wanted to relive.
"I'm not afraid. I do have my reasons, and believe me, what happened with Stan was nothing," she argued vehemently, though the tiny tremor in her voice couldn't be disguised. "Really. All of this is just something stupid that got blown out of proportion. Don't feel sorry for me or feel like you have to do anything. What happened sucks, but I'll just roll with it and take the black mark. I'll take of everything. I'll take care of me."
But you don't have to; I wanted to point out gently as I looked down at her; my fingers softly exerting the tiniest fraction of pressure before loosening up. It was the only touch I allowed myself because anything more was dangerous.
Already I could feel the prolonged effect of being this close to her wrap around me in a fantasy…and fantasies were all I had to live on. They were all that kept me going during the hours that I lay awake when I should have slept…
…Lunging forward with a desperation I couldn't contain…to touch her, hold her… I wrapped both arms around Rose and pulled her tightly to my chest; cradling her against me protectively. Feeling her tremble in my arms, I groaned quietly into the hair above her ear as my lips caressed the fragile curve.
'Talk to me, Roza,' I whispered into her ear; my fingers at her spine strumming lightly up and down in a soothing caress. 'Tell me what's going on. Don't shut me out. I only want to help you, but I can't if you don't trust me enough to let me.'
Running my lips upwards as she curved into me and pressed herself so tightly against my chest it felt as though her heartbeat was my own, I pressed tiny kisses along her hairline. Stopping at her forehead, my lips passed back and forth over the smooth skin as she shivered in my arms.
'Dimitri," she whimpered, burrowing closer into me. I could feel the bite of her nails through the leather of the duster at my back. 'I…can't. I can't tell you.'
'Why not? Do you honestly think that I would think less of you? That the reasons would matter to me at all? All I want to do is help you. Let me, please.'
Sliding a hand slowly upward over the vertebrae of her spine, my fingers wound their way through the tangled mass of hair caught at her nape. Gently tugging on it so that Rose's head tipped back, my lips meandered downwards from her forehead and towards the bridge of her nose. Kissing the tip of it lightly as I heard her breath catch and her heart jump erratically, I continued downwards.
'Tell me everything, Roza,' I cajoled quietly against her mouth; gently capturing her plump bottom lip as she arched against me. 'I will protect you…I swear. I won't ever let anything or anyone harm you. Trust me…trust me…tell me…'
But I couldn't do any of that, I ordered myself savagely as I pulled my thoughts away from what could never be my reality. I couldn't hold her without breaking the vow I had made to myself and the brethren I belonged to. I couldn't touch her without succumbing to the magnetic pull of our sexual attraction…and I couldn't promise to protect her when I had sworn to protect another over anything or anyone else.
So instead I said in a quiet murmur that still betrayed the longing that I felt…not just for her, but for every fantasy I could never make true. "You don't have to do this alone."
Unavoidable mockery – aimed at both of us – curled around the muscles of Rose's mouth as she watched me critically. "You say that," Rose challenged; her normal mask of bravado firmly in place once again. "But tell me the truth. Do you go running to others when you have problems?"
Narrowing my eyes as I realised she had caught me as neatly with my own words as I had done earlier to her, I shook my head. She had to understand that not everything in life was equal and that it couldn't be dealt with in the same way.
"That's not the same –"
"Answer the question, comrade."
"Don't call me that."
"And don't avoid the question either."
Tapping the tip of my index finger in irritation against the slender muscling of her back, I realised she was using my solitary existence at the Academy against me. She already knew that apart from the time spent training her and the other novices; I kept to myself – by choice.
But we were both very different in that regard. I was a solitary creature by nature; Rose was not. Naturally extroverted to my natural introvert, she thrived on the attention and company of others, whilst I withdrew. There were only a handful of people outside of my immediate family that I would willingly seek for company and she had to realise that there was were the difference lay.
"No," I replied with heavy reluctance, acknowledging to myself that she wasn't going to realise the difference because she had not lived long enough to recognize it. "I try to deal with my problems on my own."
Arching her brow, Rose nodded in satisfaction at my reply, "see?" Sliding out from beneath my touch, my fingers and palms tingled from the loss, but I stopped myself from reaching out to her as I again tried to remind her that our circumstances were different…that she had people who she could rely on.
"But you have a lot of people in your life you can trust, people who care about you. That changes things."
Tilting her head quizzically to the side, Rose looked at me as though hearing something that was unsaid in the emphatic tone of my voice…something that she knew already. "You don't have people who care about you?"
Having my words turned on me again, my brows lowered over my eyes as I thought through her question and my answer. For me, it was never a matter of the comfort of others. I had been raised to shoulder my own burdens; to not seek the help of others because there was no guarantee that it would be there for the asking in return. Self-reliance in my world has been a necessity, but not in hers.
"Well, I've always had good people in my life…and there have been people who cared about me. But that doesn't necessarily mean I could trust them or tell them everything."
Could she hear exactly what it was that I was trying to say? Would she be able to know the difference between relying on others and confiding?
Leaning back against the door, Rose closed her eyes and ran her fingers warily through the tangled mass of her hair. Pulling lose the tie, she re-knotted it at her nape of her neck and opened her eyes to look at me again; completely unaware that in the seconds she had them closed, I had begun to reach for her.
The reasons why I shouldn't, no longer seemed as important as they had an hour ago or even a minute ago.
"Do you trust me?" Rose voiced quietly, pushing away from the door, but making no attempt to get any closer to me as she fiddled with her cup and sloshed around the remains of the chocolate now gone cold.
Reluctant to reply at first – not because I didn't; she was one of the very few that I trusted unconditionally – but because I was confused by why she would even ask it in the first place, I tried to look deeper, to probe beneath the surface, but for once, Rose wasn't giving much away.
"Yes."
Opening the door, Rose looked over her shoulder as she moved further away from me, distancing herself it seemed from me before she gave away what it was she was hiding. "Then trust me now, and don't worry about me just this once." Closing it quietly behind her, she left me alone with her parting words and my own thoughts.
Don't worry about me just this once…how could I not?
I was no closer to understanding what had happened with Stan now than I was an hour ago and even more convinced that Rose was deliberating downplaying everything. Trusting her was one thing, but if that issue of trust was somehow used as a smokescreen to hide something far more dangerous, than how could I?
Frustrated by my worry, lack of progress and the knowledge that Rose wouldn't talk to me, I contemplated going after her, but stopped myself. No one knew better than I did that if Rose didn't want to talk, there wasn't anyone who could change that…except maybe one.
Lissa…
Glancing over my shoulder at the rising sun shrouded in thick mist that would be cold and moist to the touch, I knew that I couldn't find her before curfew fell and it only added to my frustration. I didn't like having so many unanswered questions…not when it came to Rose.
Throwing away the empty cup and pushing in the chairs, I crossed the porch and was out into the open a second later; hoping that the icy air of early morning would be able to clear my mind. Breathing in deep lungful's, the bite of cold did very little to help as I crossed the frozen garden between the administration building and the outside arena used during the warmer months.
All but empty as the first warning blare of the curfew sounded, the only other person around was one that I would normally have wanted to speak to, but not in the frame of mind I was in right now.
"Dimitri!"
Wrapping the folds of the duster around me, I nodded towards Dustin in greeting as he ambled towards me; the deadened grass crunching beneath the souls of his boots. He hadn't been at the hearing; his shift only having just ended, but I had no doubt that he would have already heard about what had happened.
Watching me carefully as he stopped a few inches away, Dustin assessed my mood before he began. It wasn't hard, I was sure that it was obvious in every line of my tensely held body.
"So…community service? Your girl dodged a bullet there, son. We're you able to talk to her?"
"Yes."
"And…?"
"What do you want me to tell you, Dustin? That I know the reason, that even if I did, it made sense? I can't because I don't and it doesn't."
"And it pisses you off because she's your student."
"I'm not angry. I just…I just wish I knew what happened."
Turning towards housing, Dustin nodded towards it and we began a slow walk back.
"I don't think she did it deliberately."
Glancing over to him as we crossed over the iced walkway, I asked, "why do you think that? You're the only one besides myself who doesn't."
"I was on observation watch earlier in the kitchen. Rose was with Christian during the culinary science class before the…well, you know. Rose might have stepped up her game when she saw me there, but there was nothing contrived about how watchful she was of him when she thought I was gone and wasn't watching."
"I saw the same thing when Emil, Grier and I attacked in the corridor. She orientated herself around Christian more than she did Lissa. I don't even think she realised she was doing it. That's why none of this makes any sense, Dustin."
Brushing aside at the shrubbery, Dustin looked at me with eyes that missed nothing. "You're worried about Rose, aren't you?"
"Yes…I am."
"Look, this is the kind of pressure the novices are going to have to live with the rest of their lives if they graduate to become guardians. It's our job to train and prepare them as much as we can, but ultimately, it isn't our job to care or worry about them and its better if they fail now, rather than out in the field."
"She didn't fail, Dustin," I pointed out sharply, compelled once again to defend her even as I realised that I should have kept myself distanced from it…from her.
"Not in the strictest sense of the word, but we're arguing semantics here. All I'm saying is that you can't take this personally. It's not a poor reflection on you if your student doesn't live up to expectations. Our jobs at the end of the day are to protect the Moroi, not dhampir. They come first, Dimitri."
They come first…I repeated to myself, knowing he was right, but I was surprised by the resentment I suddenly felt towards a phrase that I had always thought was the defining trait of my loyalty, honour and duty to the Moroi.
Disturbed, I tried to understand it as I listened to Dustin drone on in the background, but I couldn't. I didn't understand where it was coming from or why I was feeling it now, all I knew was that I could feel the resentment trigger a shift in my priorities; a divide in my loyalties...and it terrified me.
"Dimitri? Dimitri?!"
Blinking as I pulled myself away from the horror of my thoughts and the implications I didn't want to think about, I focused on Dustin as he frowned at me. Hand on the handle of the door leading to the lobby of housing, he held it open.
"No. You're right," I covered quickly, smiling weakly at him as I walked ahead into the warmth of the lobby. "I shouldn't take this personally. I think I'm just tired."
"You look it. When was the last time you slept? I know you're burning the candle at both ends to help out with the shifts you'll miss during the trial, but you need to sleep too, son." Smacking me lightly on the shoulder, he headed towards the showers without a backward glance; completely unaware as to the turmoil roiling in my head.
Standing still for a few seconds longer, I watched until he disappeared before making my way up the stairs and along the second floor.
Reaching my room, I closed the door and rested warily back against it; my eyes automatically searching and finding the letter that had sent me from it earlier. It was ironic really that what had been the cause of my sleepless nights before seemed so harmless in comparison to what I now faced.
Shrugging out from beneath the duster, I hung it on the wardrobe door and sank heavily onto my bed, but I knew that I would find no sleep, not when the thought that had terrified me before had suddenly become crystal clear.
I knew what the divide was. I knew who the divide was and I also knew that I could never choose her over what made up the greatest part of me; the part that I would have to sacrifice in order to have her…
My honour ….
A/n: Dear guest reviewer. To answer your question, I would be working on the wedding and all its bits and pieces only after completing BTBOMS…
P.S. Can't you give me some sort of moniker to let me know that it's you…not being able to reply to guest reviews is frustrating enough already.
