I'm sure this is funny to anybody who's had to go through this seminal experience of growing up, but it's HILARIOUS to anybody who's gone through it in Ontario. (If it's too alien to you, look up driving licenses in Ontario, Canada.)

Driving

Envy learns fairly quickly that Ed and Ling are usually up to no good. Russell already knows this – he's a newcomer to the weird little circle as well, although he met them before she did – but even between the two of them, they can't always tell whether the terrible two are playing some trick or are genuinely as boneheaded as they appear.

Unfortunately, this is one of those times when Envy never really finds out which it is. It all starts when Ed and Ling start talking about their licenses.

"Whaddaya mean you don't have your G2 yet?"

"I've been a little busy recently, pumpkin-face," retorts Ed, scowling at Ling. "Besides, when did you get yours? You turned seventeen like, yesterday."

"Two months ago… I can't believe you forgot when my birthday is!"

"I did not. I was there, asshole."

Russell rolls his eyes and gives Envy a despairing look, but she shrugs. "They're being… well, Ed's being man-like. Ling's being Ling-like." Russell snorts, hiding his giggles behind the book he was previously so invested in.

Just to add to Envy's unfortunate comment, now the two of them have their licenses out to compare pictures of all things. "How is it you look hot in every picture?" complains Ed, mortified. "I look like a serial killer in mine!"

"You look like a serial killer in every picture," deadpans Russell, only looking up from his book again long enough to smirk as Ed gives him the finger.

Envy leans her elbows on the table, trying to catch a glimpse at their pictures without making it obvious that that's what she's doing. She feels guilty about it, but she's curious about Ed – about what changed, about what he did and what he does to pass, to make people see him the way he wants to be seen. It doesn't matter what she does, she knows what people see when they look at her.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours." She looks up startled, and then starts blushing as she takes in what Ed just said.

"Show you what?" she hisses, but Ed just laughs, tapping her on the shoulder with his license.

"Your license. If you have one. Although you'd just be G1, right? Cause you're little."

"I'm not little, you're the shrimp," she mutters, digging in her pocket. "Besides, I'm only a year younger. Here it is."

Ed cocks his head, peering at it. "Huh. Doesn't even look like you. Oh, wait, no, that's definitely your nose. And nobody else is quite that obnoxiously blonde."

"Oh shut up! Look who's talking, you brat!" But Ed is already suppressing laughter, and she flushes again. "You're a jerk."

"I do it out of love."

Russell groans, and Ling goes 'awww' and makes kissing noises at them. Ed swipes at him, and Ling takes the opportunity to steal Envy's license.

"Oh my god you're so cute and tiny!"

"It was less than a year ago…" Envy sticks out her tongue at him. "And are you implying I'm not still cute and tiny?"

Ling pulls a faux-hurt face. "I would never imply that. I will totally imply that you need a different hairstyle, but that's only because this photo really brings out the fact that your current one was chewed up and spit out by bad 90s grunge bands. If Emppu Vuorinen can't pull it off, neither can you."

"Who? Also, you are so gay."

"Philistine. Also, bi, thank you very much."

And then it happens. Ed and Ling trade a look, and glance down at the license. Ed asks, "Have you actually started learning yet?"

Envy shakes her head.

And Ed gives the biggest, most evil grin she's ever, ever seen.

Russell blanches. "I am staying out of this."


A few hours later, Envy's in a mostly-empty parking lot, sitting behind the wheel of an SUV, too scared to touch anything. "Maybe I should just let my brother teach me?" (Although she really doesn't want to be alone with Greed in a vehicle, that and Greed isn't what she'd call a good driver.)

Ed pats her on the shoulder. "It'll be fine."

"Isn't this illegal though?"

"Technically yes!" chirps Ling from the backseat as he puts his feet up on the console, only for Ed to push them off. "Completely and utterly."

Envy smacks her head on the wheel. "Ling, how can you have such a good handle on the intricacies of the laws around driving, and still have a police record?"

"Cause that's just how I roll."

"Can I kick him out?" she asks Ed.

"Unfortunately, it's his car," Ed says, with more than a little regret in his voice. He actually looks a little queasy. It doesn't make Envy any more confident.

"Actually, it's my dad's. So please don't wreck it."

"You're not helping!" Ed throws a penny at his best friend. It hits Ling in the middle of the forehead, and he falls over on the seat with an exaggerated mewl. "Now keep quiet, cotton-candy-for-brains, before you give her a heart attack."

"You're so meeeaaaan…"

"I've been mean for seventeen years. Get used to it."

"You were actually a really nice baby. At least that's what my mum says –"

"Anyway – " Ed cuts him off, turning bright red at the sound of Envy sniggering. "The big pedal down there – that one – that's the brake. The little one is the accelerator."

"…What happens if I hit the wrong one."

Ed makes a face. "Don't."

"That's extraordinarily helpful."

"I know. Okay, that's the steering wheel."

Envy gives Ed a scathing look. "Oh. Really. I suppose I turn it to go left and right, too."

"If you're going forward, yes. Look, if you know everything already, why don't you try it on your own?" Ed sits back with a grumpy look, and then after a moment of consideration, hurriedly straps himself in.

Envy gives him a scowl, and carefully presses down on the accelerator. Ed tries hard to keep a straight face, but after a minute or so of Envy determinedly revving the engine with nothing to show for it, he keeps screwing up his face but reaches forward and moves the engine to 'Drive', before turning off the parking brake –

-and the car hurtles forward, to the sound of frantic screeching from inside and a panicked voice screaming, "ENVY HIT THE BRAAAAAAAAAAAKE –"


"I'm really sorry about your face, Ling…" Envy's trying to look contrite between giggling and hyperventilating. Ling just nods, cradling his swollen cheek.

"Ah, don't give him that. He should have been buckled in." Ed does look a little guilty, though, as he dials his phone. "Hey. Hey! Russell!" he says, perhaps a bit more cheery than is quite warranted. "I don't suppose you're still around? You are? Great! Listen, we've had a bit of an…" Ed surveys the three of them. "Um. Incident?"

Envy rolls his eyes as Ed cringes. Russell is probably giving him a tongue-lashing. (Envy's not sure what it is, but British accents make sarcasm that much more biting.) "No, nobody's hurt – ok, um, that's not entirely true. Ling's a little bit hurt. He hit his face a little bit. It's kind of his own fault thought –" And this time, Ed has to hold the phone away from his ear.

Envy snorts. Ling gestures to Ed to pass him the phone, and Ed does with a look of relief.

"Hi Russy!" he says, wincing with each word and sounding like he has a mouth of cotton. "If you bring me ice I will make you cookies." There's noise from the other end of the line, and then Ling smiles, although it obviously hurts. "Aw. I knew you loved me. See you soon."

Envy sits down next to the (thankfully undamaged) car, where Ed is digging a painkiller out of his backpack. "Let's never do that again."

"Agreed." Ed grins sheepishly. "I guess I'm not cut out to be your wise mentor-figure."

"Not even close." Envy pokes his shoe. "Besides, I'm taller than you."

"Take that back."

"Never."