Chapter Eleven
The next two and a half weeks went by in a whirlwind for Marissa. While Ryan continued to work during the days and the boys went to school, she packed up ten years of her life which had accumulated in the house she once thought just a few months before she would be trapped in forever. All the furniture would remain, but that still left their clothes, the boys' toys, and all their personal trinkets and memories to be packed up. Marissa realized that her packing schedule was similar to what it would be like to finally have a job, and, as hard as it may seem to those who have worked their whole life, she couldn't wait.
She would quit working on the move when it came time to pick the boys up from school. Once they were home with her, she'd help them with their homework and prepare dinner as they waited for Ryan to arrive from work. Their evenings were spent with each other, and after the initial conversation where Marissa told the two boys that she and their father were separating and that they were moving to Ryan's, everything went back to normal. The news did not even make them blink an eye; they just accepted it with smiles, proclaiming they liked it better at Ryan's anyway as they made plans of thing to do with Q. Their positive, excited attitude made Marissa realize that the saying was true, children were resilient.
Although they had not heard anything from Gerry since the fateful day he had discovered their affair, Ryan and Marissa, together, decided that it would be better to go ahead and move on with the divorce proceedings. So she had called her lawyer and they had filed the paperwork, waiting for Gerry to return so they could serve him. They did not know exactly what they were going to do; the details still had to be sorted out, but the sheer fact that she got to make those decisions was exhilarating for Marissa.
The one thing had been easy to decide was that the boys would remain at Harbor Elementary even after they moved to Long Beach with Ryan. Depending upon their schedules for the day, Marissa would both drop Ryan off at his job site and then take the boys to school or he would drop them off himself before going to work. Luckily the commute between the two communities was not a long one, and often, if not all the time, Ryan worked in Newport anyway.
It seemed to both take forever and a split second for the day to arrive where they were finally moving. The night before Ryan had made several trips to his house with the boys, his truck filled to the brim with their possessions. To celebrate, Marissa had made a special dinner for the occasion, and then they had made a show of taking her house and car key off of her key chain and leaving them on the kitchen counter while affixing a set of Ryan's house and truck keys as their replacement.
Early the next morning, Marissa woke up to begin the day the same way she had for years, to make breakfast for her family. The four of them, with Q in her customary spot under Cooper's chair, sat around the kitchen table and discussed the day they had in front of them before together they left the house. Ryan drove at first dropping the boys off at school and then headed to the jobsite, Marissa curled into his side the entire way there. One goodbye and few kisses later, she headed back to the house to clean up the breakfast mess, check the house for anything they may have left behind, grab their overnight bags from the night before, and get Q. By the time the afternoon hours arrived, she was finished with what she had to do and bored out of her mind, pacing the long hallways of the house waiting for when she could leave to pick up the boys from school, their last day before winter break.
Finally, a quarter to three arrived, and Marissa with Q lagging behind her practically sprinted to Ryan's truck. Not only were they moving in with Ryan that day, but they, as a family, were going Christmas tree shopping and then decorating for the holiday afterwards. This would be the first time she and her boys would spend a real Christmas together for Gerry had always limited what they were allowed to do before, and she couldn't wait not only for herself, but for Ryan, and especially the boys. The looks on their faces alone when they had shared the plans with them was almost enough to make her cry, and she was not an overly emotional person.
The boys were buckled securely into the trunk while Q was resting on Garrett's lap, head hanging out the window enjoying the ride immensely, as they made their way to Ryan's jobsite when all of a sudden Marissa's dreams for a perfect day were shattered when she was hit with heartburn so sudden and so strong it nearly too her breath away. Garrett noticed the change in her almost immediately.
"Mommy," he asked, concern written all over his face, "what's wrong?"
While Marissa took a moment to regain her composure and push down the pain she was feeling, Garrett's voiced concerns broke through Cooper's wall of oblivion and he turned to her in alarm as well.
"Are you okay, Mommy," he said turning to her and laying a gentle hand on her arm, moving it in a soothing motion and finally tearing Marissa's attention back to the two little boys suddenly filled with apprehension beside her.
Smiling at them, she attempted to rid her voice of all its discomfort when she spoke. "I'm fine. I just have heart burn."
"Your heart's on fire," Cooper shrieked, now fully alarmed, making Marissa have to bite back a giggle at his naiveté and for Garrett to look on confused.
"No, my heart is not on fire," Marissa explained slowly, searching her mind in vain for an easy way to describe the sensation she was feeling to her two clueless children. "Sometimes when you eat something, your stomach will act weird and send the juices it uses to digest your food up your throat, and when it passes by your heart, it feels like it's burning, like a stinging when you scrape your knee."
Both boys were quiet while they absorbed this information slowly, thoughtful expressions on both of their faces, until, after a moment, Garrett finally spoke up.
"Do you get it a lot, Mommy?"
"Actually, no," Marissa realized herself as she told her son. "It's been years since I had heart burn." Stopping to think back in time, she eventually realized exactly how long it had been. "The last time I had it actually was when I was pregnant with this little guy." Ruffling Cooper's hair as she said it, he giggled softly and soon forgot his worry, but Garrett watched her closely.
"Are you sure you'll be okay, Mommy," he continued to press her.
"I promise, baby," she assured him, reaching past Cooper to gently cup his face and smile at him. "When we get to Ryan's I'll take some medicine and I'll be better before you even remember to ask about it again." Turning back to their own thoughts, all three of them believed her reassurances.
They arrived at Ryan's jobsite a few minutes later to find him just walking towards the driveway, tools packed away and ready to go home for the day. Climbing into the truck and taking over driving duties, much to Marissa's relief since her heartburn was getting worse instead of better, the four of them squished together with not enough seat belts to go around.
"We're going to have to do something about this," Ryan mentioned as he drove along, only continuing when he saw Marissa's confused face. "We can't keep riding like this; it's illegal and, quite frankly, uncomfortable. We're going to have to look into buying you a new vehicle, something a bit more family appropriate."
He said it so casually, so matter of fact, that it took Marissa completely by surprise, in an utterly pleasant way, and she was unable to speak for a few seconds. He seemed to not even hesitate to say it, like it was the most natural thing in the world, the logical next step for them, but to Marissa it spoke of how committed he really was to her, it reassured her, once again, how right their relationship was and that it would last.
Tone soft, her eyes filled with unshed tears of joy, she looked up at Ryan and said the first thing that came to her mind, "but I don't have a job yet. How will I pay for it?"
"We'll handle it," he reassured her while wrapping his free arm around her shoulders and holding her even closer to him, "together." Knowing she would need a moment to calm down and laughing silently to himself that this was making her so emotional, he turned to the boys and greeted them. "So Garrett, Cooper, are you excited about Christmas vacation?"
The boys practically talked over themselves for the next several minutes proclaiming excitedly what they were looking forward to the most, making Ryan chuckle and the sheen disappear from Marissa's eyes only to be replaced by a look of pain. Once the boys calmed down enough for someone to get a word in edge wise, Ryan turned back to Marissa.
"Are you alright," he asked, anxiety creeping into his voice. "You don't look like you're feeling well."
"Mommy has heart burn," Cooper answered for her before Marissa even had a chance to formulate a sentence, eager to show off his newfound knowledge. "But don't worry," he continued gravely, "her heart is not on fire. It's just her stomach juices stinging her throat."
Winking at the little boy, Ryan teased him. "I'm glad to see you're taking care of you Mom when I'm not around," before turning back to Marissa. "Heartburn, huh, I've never heard you complain about it before."
"That's because I haven't had it in years," Marissa explained, sighing softly while leaning her head back and closing her eyes.
"The last time Mom had it," Garrett added in wanting to show that he had been paying attention to his mother as well, "was when she was pregnant with Cooper."
"That has been a while then," Ryan joked, "Cooper is almost ancient."
As Marissa relaxed the rest of the way from Newport to Ryan's, willing the irritation away, the boys continued to talk, Ryan ribbing Garrett and Cooper and the kids giggling in mirth. Although she was uncomfortable, the sound of the three of them getting along was music to her ears.
Once they got back to the house, everyone climbed out, Garrett and Cooper running into the backyard with Q while Ryan guided Marissa inside to what was before his room and now would be theirs and found her some antacids. Sitting her down on the bed, he handed them to her, brushing her hair back from her face tenderly before kissing her forehead. Insisting she rest for a few minutes while he got the boys ready to go, making them change their clothes and giving them a snack, he kissed her one last time, this time on the lips, before turning out the overhead light and disappearing down the hall.
Twenty minutes later, the three of them along with the dog returned to find her sound asleep, curled into a little ball and holding Ryan's pillow to her. Q immediately climbed up onto the bed with her and cuddled into her legs, falling asleep almost instantly and making the two little kids laugh softly to themselves.
"What do you say guys," Ryan asked in a whisper, "should we wake her up to go with us or let her sleep?"
"She has been tired lately," Garrett, the observant one mentioned, "but she really wanted to go."
"What if we pick out the tree, set it up, and cook dinner as a surprise and then we'll wake her up to help us decorate it later, that way she could rest and sleep," Ryan suggested.
With silent shakes of their head to show that they agreed with his plan, the three of them crept out of the bedroom, locked the door behind them, and set out for the nearest Christmas tree lot.
An hour later and no closer to finding an actual tree, Ryan had convinced them to choose a tree that they thought their Mom would like instead of finding one for themselves, so there they were, Garrett by his side, contemplating something silently, and Cooper a few paces off, observing the trees extremely closely and, Ryan feared, getting sap all over himself. Startling Ryan out of his thoughts, Garrett's voice, soft and timid, spoke up hesitantly.
"Ryan," he pondered, "can I ask you something?"
"Anything," Ryan told him truthfully.
"Where is my Mom going to sleep now that we're living with you?"
Blinking rapidly, Ryan was caught off guard by the little boy's question and shocked that he and Marissa had not thought about this. They had been too busy and caught up in other details. "I guess she'll sleep in my room," he finally responded the only way he knew he could, honestly.
"Then where will you sleep," Garrett continued to question him. "There won't be any room in our room, Cooper's and mine."
"Yeah, you're right," Ryan agreed, "I guess I'll just sleep on the couch."
Garrett was quiet for a moment, but Ryan could tell by looking at the boy who was chewing his lip while looking up at the sky, wringing his hands in an absent manner, that he was thinking about something he did not know how to say. Finally, he spoke up.
"Why won't you just sleep with Mommy in your room?" Before Ryan could say anything, he continued. "I mean, I know you always pretended to sleep in the guest room back at our old house, but we knew that you went into Mommy's room after we fell asleep."
"You did," Ryan asked incredulously, panicked that they had seen something he was unprepared to explain.
"Yeah," the ten year old dismissed, "I saw your bed empty one night when I went to the bathroom and heard you and Mommy talking in her room."
Swallowing thickly, his mind working at a surprisingly quick pace for the situation, Ryan responded, "and you don't mind if I stay with your Mom?"
"Well, you love her, don't you," Garrett asked him, "and when two adults love each other, they sleep in the same bed."
"How do you know this," Ryan quizzed him.
"Ryan," Garrett said in a serious tone with a roll of his eyes, "come on, I'm ten, I know about this type of stuff. All my friends' parents who love each other sleep in the same bedroom and that's how it is on the movies. And another thing," he continued, "you're allowed to kiss my Mom in front of Cooper and I, we don't care."
Unable to say anything, Ryan just shook his head up and down vigorously, making Garrett chuckle. After a moment, Ryan finally regained his ability to talk and pointed off in Cooper's direction. "I think your brother found a tree he likes for your Mom. Why don't you go off and check it out."
Minutes later, they had purchased the tree and were headed back to the house, Ryan still in a flabbergasted state of near silence and the boys watching him curiously. As he carried in the tree for them, Ryan shrugged off the awkward conversation he had just had with Garrett and accepted it for what it was, his first parental talk and the closest thing to the birds and the bees speech he ever wanted to get for it was mortifying. Although he did not want a repeat performance anytime soon, there were some advantages that came out of it. He could now openly kiss Marissa in front of her sons and they did not have to sneak around in order to share a bed. By the time the tree was in its stand, he was back to his normal self, and the three of them went off to order dinner and wake Marissa.
With bellies full of pizza, pop, and peppermint ice cream, Ryan, Marissa, Garrett, and Cooper sat around the living room in various places admiring their work. Marissa was on the couch, her heartburn still bothering her but she was hiding so as not to worry her sons or Ryan, Ryan in between her legs on the floor, resting his head on her left knee, Garrett sitting crossed legged in a chair, Q curled up beside him, and Cooper on the floor, head in his hand staring up at the eight foot tree in front of them. It was almost completely decorated, the lights strung, the balls hung, the hand made kid ornaments the boys had made Marissa over the year finally displayed after seasons of Gerry forbidding them to be placed on their miniature, fake tree, all that was missing was the star. They had not stopped there either.
While out, Ryan had picked up a couple of evergreen wreaths for Marissa to hang on all the doors, and they had been placed in their respective places, and he had asked for scraps of evergreen for her to place around the house along the windows, on the fireplace mantle, and any other spot she saw fit to decorate. Using other decorations she had picked up a few days before, they had completely transformed the living room and kitchen into winter wonderlands. Overhead lighting out, the room was only lit by the glow of the Christmas tree and holiday scented candles Marissa had placed around the space at strategic places. Exhausted yet not willing to let the night end yet, the four of them sat silently together, smiles on all of their faces.
"I have an idea," Ryan shouted out excitedly, jumping up from his place on the ground and motioning for the boys to stand up as well. "I think I figured out a way for you both to put the star on with my help."
Just as the boys climbed to their feet, eyes glued to Ryan as he explained how they would perform this small miracle, the doorbell rang. Standing up, Marissa walked around the couch and headed for the door, turning to Ryan and asking, "who would be coming over at this time of night?'
"Probably just a neighbor who had some kind of emergency with their house," Ryan dismissed unconcerned before turning back to the boys and helping them both onto his shoulders, Garrett tightly gripping the star.
"Ryan will be just a minute," Marissa started to say as she opened up Ryan's front door expecting the person outside of it to be one of his neighbors as he had predicted only to come face to face with her glowering husband.
Pushing past her roughly and making her stumble into the corner of a side table, Marissa winced while Gerry spoke harshly. "I thought I told you to leave the boys behind, and then I get a call from my secretary today who sent a nanny to their school to pick them up because you were to move out today and the kids were already gone! What the hell do you think you're doing Marissa?" When she wouldn't even look at him, he became even more agitated. "For Christ's sake, what the hell are you looking at?" Turning to where her eyes were focused, he found an angry Ryan putting his sons down after they had just finished putting the star on the tree.
"Why don't you two run into your room," Ryan told them quietly, his eyes pleading with them to listen. "Your Mom or I will be in a minute." Without a sound, Garrett and Cooper did as Ryan asked. "Mr. Carnahan, Gerry," Ryan began as he moved to Marissa's side and slid his arm around her waist, "I know you requested that Marissa leave the boys behind, but she didn't have to do as you asked, and why should they have to spend time with a nanny when their Mother is more than capable and wanting to take care of them herself?"
"Because a judge said I can do whatever I want with my sons." With that, Gerry slapped a temporary custody order into Ryan's chest and crossed his arms, a smug smile on his face. "You see, while you two were too busy with frivolities like Christmas trees and sex," he stopped speaking long enough to give Marissa a disgusted look, letting his eyes travel up and down her body, "I was getting custody of my kids. So if you'll go and get them, then we can leave. They can leave all of their stuff here. I don't need them tracking anything home with them. My personal shopper will replace anything and everything they had before."
Ryan opened the court order, and, just like Gerry said, it was there in black and white. He had legal, temporary custody of both Garrett and Cooper until a trial was held and a long term decision could be made as to who would raise the children. It even stated that he could decide when or even if Marissa got to see her kids from then to the point of the trial. Glancing up from the paper, Ryan met Marissa's eyes and just nodded to let her know that he was telling the truth.
"What about Christmas," she asked the man she had spent the last ten years married to and afraid of, "will I get to see them on Christmas?"
"I'm sorry," Gerry replied flippantly, his voice void of remorse, "but we're going out of the country for Christmas. The boys are going to Europe to see their Grandparents while I go on a little vacation."
"So you're not even going to spend time with them," Ryan shot out furious. "You're taking them from the one person who knows them best in the world and letting practical strangers take care of them for you? That's ridiculous!"
"And frankly," Gerry glared at him while he fought back, "none of your business. You have no say in how my sons are raised, and for the time being, neither does Marissa. Now get my kids."
Moments later after Gerry pulled the two sobbing boys away from their Mother's arms, calling for his driver to help him carry them kicking and screaming to the car, Marissa finally completely broke down in Ryan's arms, her sobs desperate, pained. Ryan carried her into their room, stripping her of her clothes and put her pajamas on her before quickly running out to the living room to unplug the tree and blow the candles out. Returning to her, he held her in his arms trying in vain to help sooth some of her anguish away but knowing there was nothing he could do to make the situation better. He had never felt more helpless in his life.
Eventually, completely exhausted both emotionally and physically, Marissa fell asleep clutching his chest in a frantic, inconsolable manner as if he was the only thing holding her together, but for Ryan, sleep never came that night, and he wasn't sure he would be able to rest again until he knew Marissa would be alright.
The week that followed was heartbreaking. Marissa tried to hold it together, to show some semblance of her normal self as she prepared for the holidays, baking cookies, planning a meal, pitter-pattering around the house, and taking Ryan on numerous shopping trips for last minute gifts for the boys, and he didn't mind a minute of it. Anything that he could do to help take her mind off the lack of her sons' presence during the holidays he was glad to do.
Surprising both of them, the first thing that helped stem her tears and put a temporary smile on her face was word of a job. Marissa had applied to several area hospitals, and, two days before Christmas, she got word that she had been hired at a state hospital. With their program, she would be able to eventually train to become an LPN, just as she had wanted. Even better news, she would be working, just as she had told Ryan she had dreamed of on that fateful day in her former kitchen, in the maternity ward.
Then, helping to jolt her out of her melancholy state, she got a surprise phone call on Christmas Eve. With Gerry not there, the boys had easily talked their Grandparents into letting them call their Mother. Despite the impending divorce, Gerry's parents had always liked Marissa and agreed that Garrett and Cooper should be able to at least talk to their Mom on the holidays even if they couldn't see her.
They had been lazily laying around the living room. Christmas music, instrumental, was playing softly in the background while Marissa and Ryan were stretched out in the front of the fireplace, a roaring fire keeping the naked lovers warm in the crisp, early December evening. Alone, they had spent the day making love, enjoying the holiday to the best of their ability despite the circumstances. The ringing of the phone had startled them out of their own private cocoon on the floor.
Ryan had gotten up to answer it while Marissa just curled herself even deeper underneath the down comforter they had been sharing, moving her head to his pillow on the floor and savoring the scent, his scent, that he had left behind on it. As soon as she heard his excited voice on the phone, she sprang up from their bed on the floor, bringing the blanket with her and snuggled together with Ryan into the generous cousins on the couch. He put the phone on speaker so they could both talk to the boys together, as if they were right there with them.
In excited tones, Garrett and Cooper told their Mom everything they had opened so far from their father's family, exclaiming that they had no idea what else Santa could bring them. After assuring them that when they eventually saw each other again they would have presents at Ryan and Marissa's from Santa to open as well, the four talked about their Christmas Day plans and the boys shared with the two eagerly listening adults all the stories about the sites they had seen in London. The minutes flew by and before they knew it, they heard the elder Carnahans, the boys' grandparents, urging them that it was way past their bedtime.
Marissa could hear her sons getting upset, their tones displaying that they did not want to hang up the phone, so she got the idea that she would read them their bedtime story over the phone. After the boys insisted that they were safely in their beds, pajama clad and under the covers, she began to recite, from memory, The Night Before Christmas, and by the time she finished it, Gerry's Mother got on the phone told her Merry Christmas and thanked her for being so gracious in light of the present situation, apologizing for taking her children away from her on a holiday. Marissa barely made it through the conversation without breaking down.
Once she turned off the speaker phone and layed down on the couch, pulling Ryan down with her so she could hold him, the tears finally came as they held each other close. They stayed like that for hours, the afternoon twilight fading into the murky darkness of the night and the room was lit only by the dying embers in the fireplace and the twinkling lights on the tree. No words were needed between them as they silently comforted each other, their bodies entwined tightly as if to reassure the other that they were going no where.
Just as Ryan could sense Marissa dozing off to sleep, she seemed to be exhausted all the time now, he sat up suddenly and moved so that his eyes were looking directly into her own drooping ones.
"Marry me," he said breathlessly, the anticipation over the idea and the need he felt to be with her displayed plainly on his enraptured face. Marissa's eyes snapped open immediately, no longer tired. "I know I don't have a ring, and I really wasn't planning on doing this yet, this way, but being here with you, holding you in my arms all day, I knew that there was no way I could not ask you tonight." When she didn't say anything, her mouth merely falling open in shock and her eyes glazing over with tears, he continued. "I want to be like this, I want us to be this forever, and I'm not talking about just you and me, but your sons as well. I don't just want Garrett and Cooper to be your children; I want them to be ours. No, I take that back. I don't want it; I need it to be like that. I need you, I need your children, I need us," he said at length, "and I'll do anything…."
But his words were cut off as Marissa took his lips into hers and kissed him hungrily as her arms circled around his neck so she could hold him close. She never said a word in answer to his question; that kiss, the way they made love afterwards was the only answer Ryan needed to know that she had agreed to be his wife.
"Marissa, what are you doing," Ryan asked hours later as he stumbled blinding into the bright lights of the kitchen to find his newly made fiancé rummaging distractedly through his kitchen cabinets."
"I wanted some lima beans," her sorrowful voice rang out in answer. Ryan knew that voice. It meant she was crying.
Sighing, he went to her side and took her in his arms after closing the cupboard she had opened. "I don't have any lima beans."
"I know," she exclaimed as even more tears fell down her miserably upset face.
"Do you want me to go out and buy you some," he offered sweetly, desperate to do anything to ebb her tears and pain. "I didn't even know you liked lima beans that much."
"I don't," she lamented again, pulling herself away from him and taking off her shirt to stand there in just her bra and underwear.
Confused, Ryan asked her, "what are you doing?"
"I'm hot," she complained exasperatedly. "I'm hot and I want lima beans, but you don't have any, and it's Christmas Eve and there are no stores open this late on a holiday, so I won't be able to get any."
"Marissa," Ryan tried desperately not to laugh at her strange and bewildering antics, "they're just lima beans. I'm sure you'll be okay without them."
"It's not about the lima beans."
"Oh," he said, his brow wrinkling in puzzlement, "but weren't we just talking about them, isn't that why you're crying, because I don't have any?"
"No, it's okay that you don't have them," she answered, hiccupping. "It's that I wanted them in the first place."
"I don't get it," Ryan shrugged his shoulders as he replied.
"Don't you see the signs," she asked him. He shook his head no, unsure if answering or saying anything else would be a good idea when another fit of tears exploded onto her face. "I'm fat, I'm always tired, I have heart burn, I'm swearing like a pig and it's December, and now I want lima beans. Ryan, put that all together, and you tell me what it means."
"You're not fat," he stressed before even considering anything else she said, "and I guess the rest is just stress."
"Yeah, that's what I thought at first, too, when I started skipping my periods," Marissa agreed, her statement making Ryan's eyes snap to attention, never even leaving her face for a second to blink, "but come on, there are just too many coincidences for this to be all from stress. I'm pregnant."
"That's impossible," Ryan mumbled like a robot. "We always use protection."
"Always," Marissa smirked at him. Just as he went to reiterate his previous position his mind flew back to that fateful day in her former foyer, the day her Mother had pushed them both over the edge, and he knew that she was right.
"We're having a baby," he whispered breathlessly, his head feeling so light he thought he might pass out at any moment. All Marissa did was shake her head yes. "We're, you and I are having a baby," he repeated. "There is a baby growing inside of you right now, our baby," he continued rambling on, a smile, at first small and unsure that eventually became wide and giddy, spreading across his face, his eyes twinkling out of merriment. Without hesitation, he was across the room within seconds, Marissa up in his arms as he twirled her around making her giggle profusely. Finally calming down, he put her back down on the ground and pulled her closely to him, taking her lips in a tender kiss full of wonder and amazement.
"Thank you," he said softly, "thank you for our children."
And with that, they retired to their bedroom too eager and thrilled to go to sleep for many more hours, Ryan constantly staring at Marissa's stomach, though nothing could be seen yet, and running his hands over it, occasionally dipping his head down to kiss her gently, while they talked the night away about the family they were making together, with the both of them, Garrett, Cooper, Q, and the baby their love had created. It was the best Christmas either of them had ever had.
