For I Have Sinned

Chapter Eleven

Claire had all the confidence in the world, at least she felt that way. From the moment she woke up she felt ready, she felt good, she was eager to go to her first appointment with Dr. Ballad. When her father showed up in the afternoon to take her to his office, she seemed the happiest she had been in weeks. She was smiling.

I'm ready. I'm going to get better, then I'm going to go home.

The late night conversation with Yun had given her hope, given her courage. She now had a goal to focus on and all she had to do was reach it. That idea alone was cause for her optimism. And it would prove insufficient. The closer they came to Dr. Ballad's office, the more the weight of the situation settled on her shoulders.

She was going to tell a near-total stranger all of her dirty little secrets, all of her fears, confess all of her egregious sins. Claire would have to relive it all and hope Dr. Ballad could help her. She would have to trust him exclusively in spite of every instinct telling her she couldn't. The concept was paralyzing.

"You're going to be okay, honey." Jack assured her after putting his jeep in park, leaving the engine running. "All you have to do is talk."

Claire looked at him, seeming sullen. They had been over this before; talking wasn't her strong suit, and she certainly didn't have much faith in the practice. Still...that needed to change. She needed to change. She took a breath and unfastened her seat belt. "I think I'm scheduled until five."

"That's fine. I'll run a few little errands and be back to pick you up." Jack nodded, watching her slide out of the passenger seat. "I love you, sweetie."

"Love you too, dad." and she started along the paved walkway to the office entrance, disappeared behind a tinted glass door.

There weren't any other patients in the waiting room when Claire came inside, it was a little disheartening to think herself the only one. No one want's to be sick by themselves, right? Swallowing the discomfort she went to the reception desk to sign in. The woman that greeted her seemed pleasant enough.

"Farron at three, you said?"

Claire only nodded.

"I'll just let him know you're here, and he'll be with you shortly."

Claire nodded again with a quiet "thanks" and turned way to sit in one of the numerous empty chairs that lined the walls. The wait wasn't long at all, not even a half hour. Dr. Ballad would slip into the waiting room from the open corridor behind the desk and usher her in, smiling and greeting her with a gentle handshake.

His office would remind Claire very much of Serah's with its numerous full bookcases, its chaise style couch, the heavy wooden desk. But it was so bright, plentiful afternoon sunshine coming in through the great bay windows that lined the wall farthest from her. On the other side of the glass was what appeared to be a small public park, even now people walked their dogs across the lush green grass, their forms reflected in a still pond at the foot of the hill the building perched on.

"Please sit." Caius showed her to one of a pair of cushioned chairs in front of his desk. "Glad you decided to come."

"Sure." was her uncertain response. "Can they see us?" And she pointed to the glass.

"No, two way glass. It's nice to have the natural light and keep the privacy." he explained. "How are you?"

"Okay, I guess."

"Still uncomfortable?"

"A little." she shifted in the seat as she folded her arms.

"Do you like animals?"

"Yes, actually."

"Cats?"

"My sister has one." Claire nodded, a small smile with it.

Dr. Ballad smirked as well, reaching down into what had to be his desk drawer, pulling up a plush pile of long silver hair. It was an enormous animal and he needed both hands to manage its weight. He walked around the desk with the cat against his chest to stand beside the chair.

"Terminus helps keep my patients relaxed. Here, you can hold him."

Brows up Claire held out her arms where the animals was deposited. He was on his back, paws tucked, and bright green eyes peeked through thick tresses of fur. He didn't seem bothered by a stranger holding him, in fact he settled right in and curled up as Claire set him in her lap. Almost out of reflex she began to stroke his side, purrs vibrating smoothly beneath her hand.

"That better?"

"Actually...yeah, it is." Claire nodded, quietly surprised.

"Good." Dr. Ballad was back in his chair. "Before we get started I'm legally obligated to tell you I will be recording our sessions. They are exclusively for my study, and as far as outside of this office is concerned, they don't exist. You are, of course, free to rescind permission for me to do so."

Claire's brow furrowed and she was quiet a moment, thinking as she continued to pet the cat. "The doctor I saw about my insomnia talked about all the legal stuff too."

"Clearly he was not a professional. Everything that happens in here will stay in here, my ability to practice depends on it. Perhaps some are willing to risk that for fifteen minutes of fame, but I don't include myself in that remark."

"Why should I believe you?"

"I can't give you the answers you want to hear, you're just going to have to trust me. Give me a chance to prove I am a professional."

Fair enough, she thought. At least he wasn't trying to blow smoke up her ass. In the end she nodded, relenting to his reasoning as well as offering her consent to do his work his way.

There was a device on his desk no bigger than an unfolded flip-cellphone with a selection of buttons on his side. He pressed the red one and started to speak. "So, tell me about yourself? What are some of the things you like to do?" he then eased back in his chair, hands folded against his stomach, comfortable.

"Well...I don't know how much my dad has told you...or my sister,"

"Act like they haven't told me anything at all. I want to get to know you in your own words."

"Oh, okay." she swallowed, feeling a little on the spot. "Um...I like to draw. I'm majoring in art at West Eden. That and mechanics. I like to fix things."

"What kind of things do you like to draw?"

"Whatever. I guess it depends on what mood I'm in." it seemed like she was more so talking to the cat than to him. In any case, she appeared at ease, which was the most important thing.

"What do you find yourself drawing most often?"

"In the beginning...when I was starting to get good, I guess...I like landscapes. I have a few sketches of the botanical gardens at Kain University."

"I would love for you to bring some for me to look at. Not immediately, but when you're comfortable." his interest appeared to be genuine. Claire had to wonder, with a mild amazement, what he would be able to learn about her just by looking at her work. "Do you draw or paint very often?"

"Not really, just when I feel like it."

"When you're angry or upset in any way?"

"Yeah." She looked down at the cat, her brow furrowed gently. "It kind of helps, I guess."

"Would you say the relief is long or short term?"

"I don't know." she shook her head. "Sometimes it doesn't help at all."

"What then? Do you have any other hobbies?"

"I write poetry...it's not very good, but I try." she almost laughed.

"Do you have a favorite poet?"

"I like several, but not any one in particular."

"What about a favorite poem?"

She thought a moment, her head tipped back, even her hand on Terminus' side stilled. "I can't think of it right now."

"That's all right. Maybe another time." Caius dipped his chin, assuring. "Any other talents?"

"I like to cook. My family says I'm a natural at it." She continued, a mild timidity still in her voice. "It's actually soothing."

"My wife says the same thing. You saw her in the office."

"Oh?" rosy brows lifted. She had initially thought the girl at the desk a little young. Maybe she was just youthful. "How long?"

"Nearly ten years...I think." He frowned a little, seemingly shocked with his own forgetfulness. "Dear me." and he shook his head.

"What's it like?" Claire asked, feeling a little more confident now.

"Pardon?"

"Being married, what's it like?"

"Oh, um, well," he had to think a moment, the question sort of a surprise, "are you in a relationship currently?"

"Yeah."

"Are the two of you happy?"

"Well..." she thought again, "we're separated right now, so I think it's safe to say we're not." sadness graced the setting of her eyes as they drifted low and away. "But...we were."

"May I ask what changed?"

"This." and she seemed to gesture to herself. "Everything. But you haven't answered my question."

"Touche`." Caius chuckled. "Marriage just suits some people, it certainly suits me. It's quite wonderful, but on the same hand hard to explain. But I've often thought that understanding something like marriage enough to explain it takes away some of the magic -so to speak. Yeul and I are content, still best friends even though it would appear that the status of our relationship has changed." he paused, smirking. "And I can tell by the look on your face that I've lost you a little."

"To be honest, that sort of thing isn't my strong suit."

"So you could say you're not well in tune with your feelings?"

"Maybe. I don't know...I guess I just don't...get them."

"That's nothing to be ashamed of. Thousands of people are just like you."

"But not all of them end up in your office, do they?"

"No, though some of them probably should." he tilted his head a moment. "However, let's hope that circumstance changes the further along we get. So tell me how you and your significant other met."

"She hit me with her car."

"I beg your pardon?" his eyes bulged, unblinking.

Claire couldn't help but laugh. "She backed into me."

"How on earth did that come about?"

Claire took a stabilizing breath. "It's kind of a long story."

"We've got more than an hour, Ms. Farron. So long as you're comfortable enough to talk about it, I'll listen."

"Thanks." she was surprised to say. She never imagined being grateful knowing someone was willing to hear anything about that. "First though, I have to ask. Have you heard of me?"

"Yes." no hesitation, as he knew well what she was really asking. Not if Jack had ever mentioned her, or Serah brought her up in passing. She wanted to know if he read the newspapers like the rest of Eden did. Had he ever seen her black and white picture beneath bold print headlines. "I know who you used to be."

"Who I am, doctor." she corrected. "Who I've been trying to change."

"Do you still identify as that person?"

"I believe I do." she nodded. "Because I don't know how to be anyone else."

"Are you so sure? From what you've told me so far you're an artist, a mechanic, a cook. That doesn't sound anything like that person on the news."

"But it's still me. It's the only me I know."

"If you would like to hear my thoughts on the matter," he paused, waiting for either silent consent or voiced disapproval, "it seems to me you're transitioning between them."

"Them who?"

"The person you were and the person you could be. Naturally, as a human being, you're resistant to change. Albeit that's the most basic way to look at this. There's assuredly more to it which we'll learn as we go. But please continue."

Another deep breath as she tried not to resist his words sinking in. She would tuck it all away to consider later. "It was four...almost five years ago now, I think." she started carefully. "It was after midnight, raining. I was wandering around the neighborhood after being thrown from a car. Not the same one that hit me." she was sure to iterate.

"Who threw you from the car?" it was all part of the method, these questions. He needed as much information as she had available. All of it was a piece of the puzzle.

"I don't remember them. A woman...I think I would know her if I saw her again." Claire shook her head, her eyes averted, looking out the window.

"Why were you with her?"

Hesitation lined her face, her brow knitting. "I can only assume she wanted me dead. I don't know why. Maybe...maybe Cid pissed her off."

"That would be Cid Raines, yes?"

Claire only nodded.

Dr. Ballad mimicked the gesture. "Continue. Try and walk me through that night as best you can." Yes, he could consider it too soon for this conversation, but he wasn't about to stop her. These things had to be allowed to happen sometimes.

She looked at him, eyes unreadable and unwavering. "It was a Saturday. I only knew that at the time because Cid would always take me out on Saturday. It was the night I made him money."

Be a good girl...win this for me...

Claire shivered in disgust at the echo of that man's voice in her head, her heart clenching as she held her breath for only a second. "I-uh...I almost died that night. Not in the car...well, in the car too, but this was before that. I was good, one of the best, but you wouldn't think so if you saw that. Half of my face was smeared along the wall." How that wound hadn't scarred was a small miracle. "Something about the guy was different...more different than I was used to. He played with me, really, could've taken me out at any time. Though that didn't cross my mind then. All I was worried about was disappointing Cid. If that guy hadn't been so egotistical...I wouldn't be talking to you now."

Dr. Ballad simply listened, quiet with a nod of acknowledgment.

"I managed to walk out of there with a few broken ribs, a broken hand," she paused, actually looking down at the once afflicted hand for a moment, "blood all over me. But that wasn't new. What was is that it was mine. Anyway...we were ambushed at the van...these two big guys grabbed Cid and started hitting him. I just watched."

"Why?"

Claire shook her head. "I couldn't do anything. I wasn't allowed. Cid had total control over when I could act on my own, but since he was having his face rearranged..."

"I see."

"I was scared to death, now that I think about it. I think about that night a lot, actually." she sounded like she meant to assure herself. "The fear is second only to the pain...after they finished with Cid they grabbed me...dragged me across the lot to their car and put me in the back. I assume so, anyway. I must have blacked out after that because I don't remember much else."

"Were you still afraid when you came to?"

"Terrified...woke up in the middle of the street." she nodded once. "The only place I thought was safe for me was with Cid and I didn't know if he was alive, much less where he was. Where I was."

"Then, I assume, is when you were hit by the car?"

"Yeah. It's okay to laugh about it, I do sometimes." she could see the need to on his face. "Not something you hear every day, is it?"

"No." Caius shook his head. "Rarely do people survive auto collisions, much less enter courtship as a result."

"Rarely does the driver stick around long enough to take care of them."

"Safe to say yours is a very special case." he nodded. "So what happened next?"

"Yun took me home, her sister is a nurse so," she didn't finish the thought aloud. "According to them I slept through the next couple of days."

Caius was astonished, though it didn't show on his face. "I'll be honest, I would love to hear the entire story sometime."

"There isn't much to it. Mostly because I just don't remember."

"Be that as it may, I'm still curious."

"At this rate you might get it...I never expected it to be this easy." and it was the truth. She didn't come here with thoughts of drudging things up, not yet. It started out just as she thought it would, then it transformed into something else. It was kind of frightening.

"I wouldn't get comfortable with that idea. You've made wonderful progress considering it's your first day, but I'm not doing much pushing yet, either."

Claire looked down at the cat again. "Here I thought I was getting good at it." Sarcastic, of course.

"Don't be mistaken, this is great." he leaned onto his desk, fingers still fixed together. "This is what we need in the beginning; comfort and familiarity are the foundation of the entire process. Once you trust me, and I'm acquainted with your issues, we can work together. I just want to be sure that you're aware that we'll have to dig deeper each session -so to speak."

"I understand." she wasn't entirely at ease with the idea, but she had little choice.

"Good." he lounged back again. "Would you like to continue, or would you prefer to talk about something else?"

"Well...what do you want to know?"

"Whatever you're willing to share."

He certainly wasn't making this easy. Maybe she was just too accustomed to be led.

"Why don't you walk me through something positive that you remember?" he suggested.

"But that was positive. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. I was rescued that night."

"Ah, I suppose so. My mistake. Then would you mind telling me more about your relationship with Detective Oerba?"

"I guess not." she directed her attention back to Terminus. The cat had stretched out his incredible body to its extremes, paws pointed and face down. He continued to sleep in that fashion as she pet along his spine. "Though I don't know what else there is to say about it."

"What is it you find attractive about her? I mean, obviously she's quite beautiful."

"Yeah." Claire smirked. "But that isn't what...brought us together. I didn't understand that idea then. But she saved me," her tone was whimsical, a fondness around the edges. "I think...in the beginning I just wanted someone to lead me, tell me the rules like Cid did."

"You needed structure."

Claire nodded, though a hint of uncertainty creased her brow. "It was the only way I knew how to function. Boundaries...they made me feel safe."

"At any point did you see Yun as a surrogate for Cid?"

"I don't know if it ever got that far. The thought might have crossed my mind." she shook her head a little. "She was strong, confident...like Cid was. Yun had authority. It was familiar to me so I guess I just latched onto it."

"How do the two differ in your eyes?" he asked after sufficient pause.

"Cid demanded I behave a particular way. I gave him what he wanted because I was afraid of disobeying him. With Yun...part of it was because I didn't know her...didn't know her expectations for me. It got to the point where I just wanted to please her, I guess." she had to pause again, lines on her face deepening as she searched for the right words.

"If I may," Dr. Ballad interrupted gently, "am I to understand Cid Raines kept you rather...how to say it carefully...simple?"

"Yes." no hesitation, no further explanation.

"So, it really was a master-servant relationship?"

"I was his dog."

The doctor's eyes widened without another word.

"I wasn't allowed to read, to write, to go outside without his permission. I couldn't show pain in his presence. I wasn't even allowed to speak to him. He was in total control, and I was cut off from everything except him." the testament was punctuated, level, almost as if she didn't feel anything in regards to saying so. Maybe she couldn't allow herself to feel in fear of it simply being too much to bear.

"I see, forgive my ignorant question."

"It's fine. Still, I saw Yun as someone to be respected, though not quite the same way as Cid. He would reward my good behavior by not punishing me. And Yun...she gave me praise and encouragement."

"How did your relationship change -more so, mature?"

Claire looked at him, brows raised with a mild surprise. "Suddenly." was her initial answer. "Kind of like I did, I guess. Once I got away from Cid, it took a while, but it was like waking up. Just like that everything became complicated...but beautiful." and she smiled, remembering. "Yun initiated it. I didn't know what to think about it at first, but I consider it now and maybe I understood it more subconsciously." Her thoughts wandered, focusing on a whiskey flavored kiss on the couch.

"How so?"

"My feelings started changing...or more like I was rediscovering them, I guess. I worried about her, anxious whenever she was at work. And when she was home I just wanted to be with her. She would treat me differently, more like an equal. We would go out and do things, just the two of us, just like friends do. It made me feel good, like I was somebody."

"Like a human being?"

"Yes. Do you know what that's like?" her eyes found his and held them. "Can you imagine how it felt when I realized I wasn't a dog?"

"Cid had fully convinced you that you were an animal?"

"Yes." she repeated.

He shook his head, amazed. "So how did it feel?"

"I had never been so confused in my life. At the time, I had forgotten confusion even had a name." she answered honestly. "That was when I began to question my life up to that point. I was finally aware enough to do so."

Caius couldn't believe some of what he was hearing. How could anyone manage to force another human being to completely lose touch with emotions? It was unthinkable. Claire was turning out to be unlike any patient he had ever treated.

Dr. Ballad was about to speak when the alarm on his wristwatch sounded off on the hour. The session was over.

"Ms. Farron, you're welcome to stay longer if you would like. I don't mind."

"Thanks, but no thanks." she responded quickly. Claire was feeling somewhat good, but near her limits. She was getting tired of all this sharing. "Nothing against you, doctor, but I'm done for the day."

"Fair enough. Again, you made wonderful progress. Though I was wondering if you would be comfortable with me talking to your sister. I have questions that she would be able to answer, and theories I would like a second opinion about."

"Well...if it helps you do your job, I don't see why not. I want you to do the best you can."

"I appreciate the consideration. Would you like me to see you out?"

"I'm fine, but you can take this." and she lifted the cat from her lap, Terminus going limp in her hands like a rag doll.

The good doctor switched off the recorder on his desk before standing, coming around to gather up his pet a deposit the animal back in his drawer. "I will see you tomorrow then, same time?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"If anything comes up, just have Jack call me."

"Okay. Goodbye."

Claire would leave the office feeling better than when she had arrived, though still anxious in a way. She had opened up about some deep shit, and it had come with surprising ease. Once she started talking she couldn't make herself stop. It just happened. How in the hell...?

"Everything okay, darling?" Jack asked as she pulled herself into the seat.

Claire only nodded as she pulled the seat belt across her chest.

"Serah wants us to come over and have dinner with them. Is that all right with you?"

"Sure."

Jack leaned forward in his seat, feigning an adjustment as he tried to read his daughter's face. He smiled after a moment. "I see you met Terminus."

"Huh?" Claire followed his eyes and saw that her shorts and shirt were speckled in patches of silver fur. "Oh." she brushed her hand down her front, making no noticeable progress in getting it off.

"Did he help at all?"

"Yeah, actually. I think it went...all right. Still don't know how talking is going to change much, though."

His smile got a little bigger. "Maybe not now, but you're just getting started. Give it time."

Author's Note: Oh god, dialogue binge! Hopefully I won't make a habit of this form of cop-out, but there's a good chance this won't be the last time. Claire has a long way to go yet, and I have some more thinking to do. I've got a lot of thinking to do in general. Speaking of which, comment if you like to let me know what YOU think Claire and and the good doctor should discuss in the future. Hope to see you next chapter, and as always, thanks for all the support. And thanks to Cormag Ravenstaff for the laugh.