Outside (In the rain)
Am I a part of all of you
Or am I just a shadow?
A figment of imaginations run wild
To comfort them in waters shallow?
And am I really as different as I feel
Or perhaps a fragment of something insane?
For it seems at times I'm here
And other times I'm lost in the rain.
Is all this dark rain that's falling
Going to wash away my fear?
Or is it the rain that causes sin
To creep into reality here?
With the water running down my face
Will I finally be able to see?
Or will the dark, as its trying to break
Somehow overtake me?
For the rain that washes away your sin
Reminds me of all that I have.
A figment, a shadow, a girl not quite whole
And yet enough in this world to be labeled as 'bad.'
There are times when I feel so very alone
With the rains pouring down on this body.
I long to be clean, I long to be empty
But mostly I long to be a somebody.
I wish the rain could wash away
The events that broke me in two.
And somehow make me myself again
To those who tried to be true.
These days I feel the black smears
Broken and falling down my face.
Tears of a different kind of broken
That the rain cannot wash without a trace.
I throw my head to it time and time again
And ask it to make me as every other girl.
But in the savage wind my words get lost
And the storm continues to whirl.
More and more often there's no one to hear
I speak to give myself something real.
I'm starting to wonder if those words matter
Anymore than how I feel.
For I'm standing on the outside looking in
And the glass is streaked with my own words.
The pain and suffering I cause to others
Keep me in the shadows unheard.
And perhaps it's best and perhaps it's worse
And perhaps I'll never know.
For there's no one from whom I can truly expect
An answer that will make the truth grow.
So I'll just stand here covered in black
And listen hard to the rain.
And let it whisper things to me
And let it tell me I'm not insane.
For it tries so hard to wash my sins
But the rain just can't understand
That it's not a human and it's voice is weak
And I cannot take it for it's lack of hand.
So many times it works at the heart
But the heart is broken and void.
For outside looking at those who pass by
Simply leaves me devoid.
Staring through at those I love
The glass may as well be a mirror
For I can see all that they hate about me
Overtop of their glorious shimmer.
I wish I could somehow say how I feel
But the rain takes away my voice.
And perhaps it's better that I stay here
And my heart doesn't make a choice.
For my heart bleeds outward and quietly
And slowly it chokes all my complaints.
I have nothing to say anymore
I'm within my final set of restraints.
For all these things I've tried to suppress
I may as well let flow.
The rain doesn't care what I feel in my heart
It will try to make it all go.
The sweet feeling of thunder
Is enough to make me want to stay
But somehow their voices are drawing me in
To be with them this day.
But even as I stand among them
I stand separate and alone.
And I long for the voice of my childhood
The voice that had words to own.
The me who knew that she was dark inside
And could handle it quite well
And who always laughed when they called her witch
Or accused her of casting a spell.
The little girl who loved the rain
And never wanted more
Is a part of me that's somehow gone
To knock on Heaven's door.
I'm lost here among them
But I'm also lost without.
So I let the rain choke me so I don't' scream
With only the wind to hear my shout.
On the outside looking in
Lost somewhere in the haze that is rain.
Wondering if I'm really here or not
Or just something for them to call when they feel insane.
I feel insane in the here and now
But perhaps some day I'll be clean.
And full of hope of a future in which I'm alive
Not someone's imaginary friend on which to lean.
I feel insane.
