Chapter 10 - You are the space in my bed

Rachel got out of the psychologist and Quinn, who waited for her right by the door, stood up and offered a hand to walk the girl back to her room.

"Quinn! You're next, why don't you come in?"

Quinn looked over her shoulder to the smiling therapist holding the door open, and then to Rachel who was biting her lip and with her eyes pleading that Quinn wouldn't leave her all alone there.

"No. I'm going to walk Rachel back to our room."

"Oh, just come on in, Quinn. She can go by herself, right Rachel?"

Quinn felt Rachel's hand shivering against her own.

"Don't pressure her. She doesn't want to, and I don't mind going with her."

"She doesn't want, or you don't want to let go of her? She's her own person, Quinn."

Quinn fell silent for a moment. She liked walking Rachel around. The fact that Rachel needed her gave her a sense of purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. But what if Rachel didn't need her, and she was just seeing things wrong?

No. She knew the psychologist was just messing with her head. She couldn't be so blind about this. Right now, Rachel was the only thing Quinn was sure about.

"Do you want to go alone?" She asked in a murmur, so that only Rachel would hear her. The girl gripped Quinn's hand tightly, shaking her head slightly. Quinn was smart enough to realize it in time and didn't let the psychologist fool her.

"No, I'm going with her." She said with one last huff, before disappearing on to the hallway.


"Do you have something you want to talk about today, Quinn?"

Quinn shook her head. She would just rather not be there at all. She had always hated therapy, but right now with her mood swings being as crazy as they were since she stopped taking the medicines, tolerating that woman seemed even harder.

"Then why don't we talk a little bit about your favorite subject?"

Quinn frowned and gulped. Of course she knew what the psychologist was talking about, but she didn't want to admit it.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You don't?" She quirked her eyebrow up. "Yes, you do. Let's talk about Rachel!"

She said with an exaggerated smile that made Quinn want to rip her insides out. She didn't like hearing the girl's name out of the psychologist mouth. She felt almost jealous. She felt like she was being mocked, or worse, that the woman was mocking Rachel. But her curiosity was bigger, and she had a little flame of hope that pushed her to ask.

"What about her?"

The psychologist's smile spread, satisfied that Quinn was getting in her game. Quinn took a deep breath, trying to control herself better.

"Have you noticed how she is feeling better? She's making such good progress. We're all very proud. I bet she will be out of here in no time."

Quinn hadn't stopped to think about it yet, but now that it was brought up, she could say that she saw it. Rachel left the room almost four times per day - counting the meals and her appointments - didn't sleep in her closet anymore, was talking and smiling much more often than before... Quinn wanted to believe she was the reason for all of that, but she wasn't that sure. She wished she was, but she knew that the bigger part of the progress had happened because of the medicines. And hearing that last sentence made her heart drop.

"I don't understand why you are telling me this."

Quinn asked with the deep frown frozen on her face.

"I just wanted to know if you realized. If you notice how good it feels to get better."

Well but this was definitely not what she expected.

She wanted Rachel to get better and get out of there, because even though she barely knew anything about her history, she was sure that there was something waiting for her on the outside. Rachel was captivating and energetic. She could do whatever she wanted. She could have whatever she fancied. Quinn hoped everything in her life would go exactly as she planned when she was just a little girl, because Rachel deserved it. She deserved everything.

But for her, however, there was nothing. If she managed to come out of there, she wouldn't have a place to go, she wouldn't have people waiting for her, and she wouldn't have a future to look forward to. It's not that she wanted to stay in the institution, she absolutely loathed the place. That's why she was so fond of the idea of dying. She didn't belong anywhere, there was no reason to stay in here and keep bothering other people. She could just spare everyone's time.


It doesn't matter how hard Quinn tried, she just couldn't get that thought out of her mind. It reminded her of the old days, when she would get so obsessed with the idea of killing herself that she would plan every tiny detail of it, and even write a letter for when her body was found.

She didn't come this far this time, but she was very close to it. Every single thing that her eyes laid on was a new of idea of how to do it. Everything people said felt like just another motivation.

Every breath felt heavier and more difficult.

But what hurt her the most, was the moment Rachel realized it.

"Did you enjoy dinner tonight?" She was sitting on her bed, brushing her hair while Quinn pretended to read a book to avoid conversation. Maybe Rachel felt that, because her voice was incredibly small when she said it.

Quinn didn't even bother to answer; she just shrugged and kept running her eyes over the page.

"I think the cookies were especially good today." Rachel nodded to herself, putting the brush aside and laying on her bed. Quinn just nodded along, not even realizing how this lack of response could hurt Rachel.

"You're quiet today..." Rachel sounded even smaller. Quinn knew Rachel wouldn't give up so soon, and since someone had to, it might as well be her. She dropped her book on her nightstand and turned to lie on her side, facing Rachel.

It was nice that Rachel could read her eyes. Quinn struggled to let them show everything she was feeling, but the moment she blinked and opened them raw, with everything that she was keeping inside of her - Rachel stopped talking and just kept staring, as if she understood. And they laid there, soaking up each other's glaze until Rachel's eyelids started getting heavier.

Quinn wanted to walk there and lay with Rachel again. She wanted to curl up against the girl, snuggle to her side and have her wrapping her arms so tightly around Quinn that all the bad feelings would just be pushed away from her.

To feel Rachel's breath close to her, and count her heartbeats as a way of getting her mind busy.

But Rachel didn't invite her today, and she couldn't invade the girl's bed. Of course, she could ask for it herself, but she was too proud to admit for Rachel why she needed it. She couldn't find the words to say that if she didn't have someone holding her, she alone wouldn't be able to hold herself together.

At the second she saw Rachel's breathe getting even and she knew the girl was sound asleep, she got up quietly and walked to the bathroom. If she couldn't kill herself, she knew she had a way of sending the feelings away for at least a little while, and she couldn't wait to feel the adrenaline pumping in her veins.

She had almost forgotten where she had hidden the needles, and it took a while for her to find them but when she did she couldn't even bring herself back to her bed and started right there, on the bathroom floor.

She didn't care if people saw it, she wanted to slice her wrists open like she hadn't since she came there. To see the dark red blood dripping until she started to feel dizzy.

But she started sticking just the tip of the needles on her skin, and watching the droplets. One tiny ball after the other. When there were enough of them, set at the whole extension of her wrist, she ran the needle, making them all become one thin line. And she smiled within a shaky breath.

Her cuts weren't as straight as they used to be; she had lost the hand of it, but she knew she could get it back. And she kept opening them. Two. Three. The fourth was almost perfectly straight and she had to close her eyes after looking at it for a few seconds.

When she opened them, she almost screamed. Rachel was standing right there, with her hands on her opened mouth. Quinn could see the disgust in Rachel's face, and it made her eyes sting and try to cry, but she wouldn't let them. She held the needle in her closed fist and kept her eye on Rachel.

Slitting another cut while looking deeply at Rachel's eyes was as close as a help plea as she could ever make. Rachel looked away, and Quinn could see how the girl tried not to look too scared. She was trying to be strong for Quinn, and Quinn just wanted to cut more and more deeply.

"You are not taking your medicines." Rachel whispered, kneeling on the floor next to Quinn and looking at the red stains on the floor.

"You're right." Quinn nodded slowly, keeping her glaze down. It didn't matter the context, it didn't matter the situation. She wouldn't lie to Rachel. Suddenly, it was like all her beliefs were gone. Even all the reasoning she had with herself, explaining why she had to stop taking her meds, stopped making sense and were replaced by guilty with a quick glance of Rachel.

Rachel lifted her hand slowly and touched Quinn's cheek lightly, making her turn her face so that their eyes could be locked together again. Quinn felt her lower lip shivering. Rachel looked hurt. As if Quinn's cuts hurt her too.

While Quinn was lost on the girl's eyes, Rachel took advantage of the momentary distraction and grabbed Quinn's fist with her other hand, caressing it gently until Quinn relaxed enough to open it just slightly, and Rachel's finger slipped in, getting the needle out of there.

She picked the other needles that were resting in the middle of the blood on the floor, and threw all of them on the toilet. When Quinn heard the flush, she whimpered and moved her hands to hold the edge of the toilet as she watched the needles swirling away. She wanted to be mad at Rachel for doing that, but the words got stuck in her throat and she could never look at those big brown eyes with hate.

Rachel got up to grab toilet paper and placed it on the top of the fresh wounds, watching the color change and replacing the sheets when they got soaked. She lost count of how many she had used when the blood finally stopped flowing.

She sat on the floor in front of Quinn, holding her wrist and running her thumb along the lines.

"Don't do this, Quinn." She murmured. Quinn looked up to her with a small pout. She knew what Rachel was talking about; she just hadn't seen it coming.

"Stop doing it. Please." She said every word slowly, looking deep inside Quinn's eyes and Quinn knew that she meant it. "Take your medicines again."

But Quinn had to interrupt her on that.

"I can't." She shook her head whispering and fluttering her eyes to fight the tears.

"Yes, you can." She moved her fingers, interlacing them with Quinn's. "You have to, Quinn."

She didn't need to say anything more. Quinn could hear the rest of it in her mind.

She needed to stay there for Rachel. Rachel needed her. Rachel cared about her.

"Why are you doing this?" Quinn breathed out, overwhelming tears threatening to fall of her eyes with the next blink.

"You help me, I help you." Rachel shrugged with a small smile, holding up their hands together.

And the so many tears Quinn was holding started to fall, all at once, rolling down her face.

Rachel got up and pulled Quinn against her.

"Come here." She murmured, and pulled Quinn to follow her to her bed.

Rachel laid and pulled the covers for Quinn to lie down next to her. When Quinn felt Rachel hugging her, she sobbed. The proximity made her feel better than she had ever felt cutting. She closed her eyes while Rachel ran her fingers through her hair, and buried her face on the girl's shoulder, just like Rachel had done so many times.

"Quinn." Rachel called, and Quinn quickly looked up. "Promise me you'll take your meds? Please?"

Quinn gulped. She wanted to explain to Rachel all of her reasons. To tell her why she thought the medicines weren't good for them, but Rachel looked desperate, as if her life depended on Quinn's answers. And the words slipped out of her lips before she could stop them, doing the impossible to be sure that Rachel's eyes would light up again. And to knowing that she was going to be the reason for that light.

"Okay." She nodded, not sure if she would be able to keep her promise but with the will to try her best.

"Thank you." Rachel replied and hugged her tighter, running her fingers through Quinn's hair. "Goodnight, Quinn."

But Quinn couldn't reply. If she opened her mouth she would start sobbing again.


Eighteen minutes. That's how much time it took from when Quinn woke up until someone noticed her fresh scars and took her away for a checkup.

She woke up on Rachel's arms, and finding those big brown eyes as the first thing she saw on the morning made her heart skip a beat. Rachel had woken up earlier, and was watching her sleep, just like Quinn had done several times.

"Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?" She whispered, with a husky morning voice.

"Good morning, Quinn." Rachel ignored her question, but smiled brightly and Quinn was thrilled to see how her compliment affected her roommate.

"Good morning." She looked down, and the droplets of dried blood on the sheets made the whole previous night pass in a flash in her mind, reminding her of everything that had happened. "Thank you for yesterday."

Rachel didn't even waited until she was done talking to start shaking her head. She knew Rachel wouldn't accept it, but she thought it was important to show to the brunette how grateful she was for what she had done.

When the medicines were given to them on the usual tiny plastic cups, Quinn could feel Rachel's eyes on her, and with one big gulp of the water she swallowed all of them, turning to Rachel with her mouth open widely before smiling again when Rachel held her thumb up in approval.

Quinn explained to Rachel that when they found out they would take her away to see the doctors and that she probably would be away for the whole day. When Rachel stated that she wasn't ready to leave the room by herself, Quinn took a mental note to make sure that the meals would be delivered in the room for her.

And now, feeling the cold metal of the table through the thin gown that she wore while the doctor ran his fingers all over her body looking for more evidence of self-harming, the only thing she could think about was whether or not Rachel had eaten. She hoped she had.


When all the tests had been taken, she was send directly to an extra session with the therapist and this time, unlike all the others, she had something on her mind, a question to be precise, that made her look forward to it.

"And when you had the needles on your hand. How did you feel then?"

Quinn had answered all the previous question with automatic answers; her mind wasn't there, it was building up the courage to ask her what she really wanted to know. And now she felt prepared, not caring about what the psychologist would think out of it.

"How did Rachel end up on my room?"

The psychologist was caught off guard, not understanding how this was related to her question, only to realize that it wasn't and that this was what was distracting Quinn. She frowned and shook her head, unsure of what Quinn was asking.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Quinn took a deep breath, playing with the hem of her dress.

"There are plenty of other rooms. How are they sorted? How did she end up being my roommate?"

"Oh." Now Quinn saw that her question was understood. "It's not random, if that's what you want to know. We separate the patients by how severe the case is." The therapist stopped, opening her mouth to talk again but hesitating and biting her lip before continuing. "I don't have permission to tell you a lot about that, but we thought that since she was very quiet and reserved in general, she wouldn't make you angry like the others did."

They fell in silence for a few minutes, but the therapist broke it.

"We never expected you two to grow so fond of each other, though. I guess this place is just full of good surprises."

Quinn was hoping to hear that it had been random. That maybe God didn't hate her after all, and had sent Rachel to help her. Because that's how she saw Rachel. Like an angel.

Therefore, she was a little bit disappointed in the psychologist response, and even more because she realized that she would have to swallow her pride to take the next pass that she needed, even though she wasn't sure if the woman was sarcastic or not when talking about how good it was that they were friends.

"Thank you." Quinn murmured, before explaining further. "For sending her to me."