Chapter 11

" Oh I think I fucked up soooo bad..." Tamsin growled after her second bottle of vodka. Trick had already given up on stopping her from drinking too much after the first bottle, and he went to attend other customers, leaving her and Dyson sitting at the bar. Tamsin felt that her head was pounding. She closed her eyes, resting her forehead on her right hand. She had a hard time stopping herself from banging her head on the counter, because she really wanted to do so.

" You didn't send those reports before you left?" Dyson asked, frowning at her, with his beer bottle in his hand. Having Tamsin as his partner for a while now, he was used to the heavy alcohol drinking Valkyrie, but he couldn't remember when, if ever, he had ever seen the blonde drink this much or look so depressed.

" Ok, well, I fucked up that too..." Tamsin finally dropped her face onto the countertop. " Fuck, fuck, fuck..." She murmured vaguely, repeating the same word over and over again.

" What's going on, Tamsin?" Dyson asked.

" Shit, I thought you'd be used to it by now, Dyson. Whenever there is something fucked up, it's got to be related to her, Ok?"

" Who?" Dyson frowned. He suddenly had a vague idea what Tamsin was talking about, but he couldn't be sure. Also, he wanted Tamsin to admit it herself, so he just waited patiently. Tamsin had a drink in her hand, and she kept bringing it to her lips then lowering it down. After a while, the Valkyrie cursed and slammed the glass on the counter. She sighed. " Damn, you really need me to say this out loud, don't you? It's Bo, Ok? It's everyone's fucking favorite succulette, the one who we still have an open case on, the one you couldn't keep your hands off or your eyes away, the one you ran your teeth and tongue across the skin of velvet softness..." She said, her voice getting lower and lower, and the way she talked about it, as if she was talking about herself with Bo, instead of Dyson.

" Yeah, I think I know who Bo is, but thanks for the vivid description." Dyson interrupted Tamsin before she dwelled in her train of thoughts. He almost laughed, " What about her?"

" Shit, I don't fucking know!" Tamsin said, opening her eyes wide, " She's...she's just..."

" Unbelievable? Amazing? Unbelievably amazing?" Dyson said, smiling. He enjoyed watching Tamsin losing control, because she seldom did.

" Gee, I guess someone did get his love back." Tamsin said sarcastically.

" Back or not, we are not talking about me, are we?"

" One second you just stand there and look at her, the next you find yourself standing way too close...to the fucking edge of the cliff..." Tamsin murmured, downing her vodka. The drink burnt her throat like flames of fire, but she couldn't care less. She needed it. She needed anything that could burn her, freeze her or hurt her, to get over the shitty feeling she had right now. She had not talked to, or seen Bo ever since that night. She wasn't sure if she was avoiding her, or the other way around, or they were both avoiding each other. She couldn't stop thinking about her. It was like a nightmare, a haunted dream, a dark shadow, following her everywhere, conscious or not.

" Since when do we talk in metaphors? " Dyson said. He found the conversation very interesting, but, Tamsin didn't seem to be listening to him, she just kept talking. "...You just fall faster and faster. You yell, you scream, you reach your arms out to grab onto some shit, I mean, any shit. You've tried everything you can, to pretend that nothing is happening and everything is fucking fine, but this fear...this unstoppable fear just keeps coming at you. Then you realize that there's nothing, nothing you can ever do, to stop from falling..."

" Well, partner." Dyson clicked his bottle to Tamsin's shot glass lightly, " Why don't you just let go?"

" What the fuck do you mean by let go?"

" Let yourself fall." Dyson said, " You should at least fall for someone once in a while. So you hit the rock bottom, so what? You are falling anyway, like it or not."

" That's not even the fucking point!" Tamsin said, " She already has Lauren, and they are in love, and all that kinda shit. What am I supposed to do? Keep lusting right behind her like a moron?"

" Well, one thing you could do. You can tell her how you feel."

" Wow, great idea!" Tamsin exclaiming sarcastically, hitting Dyson's shoulder, " So how's it going with you tell-her-about-your-feelings plan, huh, buddy?"

Dyson smiled, drinking his beer for a while. Then he said, " Because I do know that she's not in love with me anymore, tell her or not, doesn't change anything, but only makes things more awkward. But you..." he paused, pointing at Tamsin with his index finger, " You don't know that yet."

Tamsin took a deep breath. She couldn't bring herself to even think that Bo might have some feelings for her, because it was something she would never expect. She could just tell how much the succubus loved her girlfriend by taking a glance at them whenever they were standing next to each other. The brunette would always look at the doctor, with this warm and gentle look in her eyes, and a hint of smile on her face, as if she was staring at something priceless. She never expected anything like that from Bo, because she knew she shouldn't. She never expected herself falling for the brunette either. It happened so fast, that there was not enough time to react against it. Part of her desperately screamed for something from Bo, and sometimes she thought the succubus might be feeling something for her, but the rest of her just wanted to slap herself and drag herself out from this mess for good.

" How does it feel?" Tamsin asked, her voice so low that Dyson could hardly hear her.

" What?" Dyson asked. He looked at the Valkyrie, whose head was lowered, eyes staring at the floor.

" How does it feel to love her but know you can't have her?"

Dyson sighed. It was his turn to lower his head and stare at the floor now. He wasn't sure how he should put it. Losing Bo was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his life. He had his chance, but he let it slide. Like a breeze of wind she was gone, and he could never have her back. " It's hard to have her, but much harder to lose her." He finally said to Tamsin, " Sometimes I wish I could just..."

" Turn back time? Make a different choice?" Tamsin let out a mocking laugh, downing her drink.

" Well, let's just put it this way." Dyson said, " I have the past, and you may still be able to have the future."

Tamsin didn't say anything but kept drinking. She just couldn't stop thinking about her.

Even in her deepest dreams, she could still see her, right there, looking at her, with that vulnerable, fragile look in her eyes.

" This is just so fucked up..." Tamsin murmured, closing her eyes, " This is just so fucked up..."


" Oh I think I fucked up soooo bad..." Lauren said, after her seventh tequila shot. She came to the Dal after midnight, because she didn't want to run into Bo here. She was trying to make a potion or serum to boost Bo's ability for her Dawning, but she just couldn't focus on her work. After having messed up with her experiment materials for the third time, she finally decided that she needed a break.

Hearing that, Dyson froze. " Funny this is the second time today I've heard those exact same words..." He said in a low voice.

" What?" Lauren asked, turning to face him. She was almost too drunk to comprehend anything.

" Nothing. Don't worry about it... How are you doing lately?" Dyson asked. He knew it was really late, but he had not left yet, because he was a little bit worried about Lauren. He had heard that she and Bo were having some trouble lately, and he could tell how they were trying to avoid each other by showing in the Dal at different times.

" How am I doing lately...Hmmm...let's see..." Lauren murmured, " I'm having a hard time choosing between shitty, and miserable. Which one do you think works better?" She paused for a while, then she realized that she sounded a little too aggressive. " I'm sorry, Dyson. It's just...I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just not good enough for her, and I'm just so frustrated..."

" Don't say that, Lauren." Dyson said, " She loves you, and that's all you need to know."

" Yeah." Lauren smiled bitterly, " That's why this whole thing is so complicated. If she didn't love me, or she loved me less, I could just walk away."

" So...what exactly is going on?" Dyson said, " In case you haven't noticed, we've all been wondering this for days now."

" The usual stuff." Lauren huffed out a light laugh, " I was mad at her because she was caught up with her Dawning stuff, and she couldn't be there for me. But I guess that's not the entire reason why we are here right now. I guess it's just...it's just me. I can't...dating her is just too hard, Dyson."

" Well, to refresh your memory, been there, done that." Dyson said. He hesitated for a while, not sure if he should keep talking. As Bo's ex, he had never really talked with Lauren about Bo and himself, or Bo and her, because it was just too awkward. Eventually he decided to tell Lauren the same thing that he had just told Tamsin a few hours ago, before the Valkyrie finally decided to go back to the precinct to file her late report. " Trust me, it's much harder to lose her, Lauren."

Lauren sighed, downing her drink. She fully understood what Dyson meant. She felt like her heart was torn out for the past few days, and they were not exactly breaking up yet. She couldn't imagine how it would feel like if she had lost Bo forever. It was something too painful to even think about.

" Look, Bo's Dawning is days away, and I'm sure she's under a lot of pressure." Dyson said, " I'm sure whatever she had done, she didn't mean it."

Lauren shook her head. " It's more than that. I guess I did a pretty good job of driving her away from me, starting from the Kitsune thing..."

" Hey, it was not your fault, Lauren." Dyson said, " I know we should have trusted her that day, but think about how she almost lost control on that Octopuss case, how we found the girl strangled to death near her place, and all those things the fake Kenzi said... No one would have believed that Bo was telling the truth."

" But Tamsin did." Lauren said. The Valkyrie's name was stuck on her tongue for a while, before she finally spit it out. She avoided saying her name, and so did Bo. It was like a silent agreement between them, that they never talked about Bo's feeding with Tamsin. But she knew Tamsin helped Bo rescue Kenzi, and then there was Brazenwood. It felt like the Valkyrie somehow was forming a closer bond with Bo than she had, and that just made her chest ache every time she thought about it.

" Well, she's..." Dyson paused for a while, then continued, " She was an outsider, and it was easier for her to see things that we were blinded to."

" She firmly believed that Bo killed that girl, but she still trusted her." Lauren said, " How could I ever forgive myself of not trusting her? How can I say that I love her?"

" We all know what Bo is capable of, and we all know that we have to do everything we can to stop her from swinging to her dark side." Dyson said, " You didn't do anything wrong, Lauren."

" Maybe that's the problem. I've tried so hard to keep her away from her true nature." Lauren said, " How can I change her nature? She's a succubus. I can't just make a wish on a magical lamp and change her..." Lauren said, " Maybe it's time for me to just let go, walk away."

" That brings it down to one question, can you afford to lose her?"

Lauren didn't say anything. She just kept drinking. She knew she couldn't afford to lose Bo. She loved her so much, and she would miss her so much.

" Then don't ever let her go." Dyson said.

Lauren let out a deep breath. " You know, sometimes I wish that you weren't such a gentleman, Dyson. So I can feel less guilty about her being with me but not you...I feel like...I feel like I took her away from you." She said.

" You didn't take her away from me." Dyson said, " She was never mine. She's Bo. She's a succubus. She's just way too romantic and passionate for any one person to have her in the first place."

" Yeah, you are probably right." Lauren said, taking a deep breath before she continued, " I guess it's a wrong time to deal with this anyway. Her Dawning is coming soon."

" Yep." Dyson nodded, drinking his beer.


" Oh I think I fucked up soooo bad..." Bo said, crashing on the couch.

" Finally!" Kenzi exclaimed, " Are we gonna talk about whatever the shit is going on with you lately?" She jumped on the couch, sitting next to Bo. " Sheesh, I thought you'd never start talking, and I was too afraid to ask..."

" Am I a horrible person?" Bo said, drinking directly from the bottle Kenzi had just opened.

" Emmm...you are a horrible friend, because you should have talked to me much, much sooner?"

" What is this shit with me, I mean. How do I do this? How do I drive everyone close to me away?"

" Just a reminder, I'm still here." Kenzi said, pointing at herself.

Bo shrugged, like she was agreeing with Kenzi.

" Broke up with Lauren, huh?" Kenzi murmured.

" It's just a break. Well, at least I think it's just a break. I can fix this, right? I can win her back, right?"

" That, my friend, depends on what you have done." Kenzi said, " Like for example, you lost her favorite earring, a dinner with candles and flowers and a lot, lot of succubabe love would totally do the trick. But, if you drunk fucked detective wolf face again..."

" No! God. I didn't fuck Dyson." Bo said, " It's just...she had this big day, and I missed it..."

" Let me get this straight. You have been completely, totally, absolutely miserable for the past three days, just because you missed some big day of hers?!" Kenzi exclaimed, " I thought you missed her things all the time! Like you are always rescuing someone, or saving the day somewhere, she knows that you are a superhero, right? She's Lois to your Clark...she's always forgiven you before."

" Maybe that's the point. I guess she finally has had enough shit from me or something. She should be the most important person in my life, but the only thing I've done so far is disappoint her. I blamed her for not trusting me on the Kitsune thing. I missed her big day." Bo said, " Hell, who am I kidding? I couldn't even stay faithful to her, because of my fucking succubus nature."

" I thought she was Ok with that. She is Ok with that, right? I mean, you guys did go to the Dal together, you know that time, to get your sexy cheesecake takeout..."

" She is. Well, she has to be, otherwise either I would have killed her by accidentally sucking her dry, or killed myself because I wasn't getting enough Chi from Lauren to make it through a day, let alone survive longer." Bo said. She had already finished a bottle of drink. Throwing the bottle away, she lay down on the couch frustrated. " Why do I have to be a succubus! Why couldn't I just have been a fucking Siren, or a wolf? They don't need to feed. They don't have to have sex with someone else other than their girlfriends just to stay alive and be healthy."

" Well, Sirens are extremely stupid with their funny hats, and wolves have too much fur..." Kenzi said.

" Haha, very funny." Bo rolled her eyes at the Russian girl. She sighed, and stayed in silence for a long time. " Why can't I just be normal..." She murmured, her heart filled with pain.

" You think being normal is better?" Kenzi said, frowning, " Well, look at me, Bo-Bo. I am normal, and being around you guys everyday reminds that being normal just sucks balls..."

Bo smiled bitterly. Covering her eyes with her hand, she said in a low voice, " I guess no one can have everything, right?" It was the same thing Tamsin had told her. The Valkyrie walked away from her and they had not talked to each other since. Tamsin. That was another problem she had in her life right now, as if she didn't have enough shit to deal with already. Thinking about the Valkyrie, she let out a low growl. Sometimes she found herself thinking about her, and that just scared her more than anything.

Kenzi watched Bo for a while. She had been Bo's best friend and her roommate long enough to realize that Lauren was not the only thing that was bothering Bo right now. The brunette had something else on her mind. " Well, here's your chance to pour all your shit out to me, before the world is in danger again and it falls upon your shoulders to save it, Bo-Bo."

Bo let out a long, deep sigh. She hesitated for a while, not sure if she should talk about this with anyone, but she just wanted to get it off her chest so bad, that she decided to tell Kenzi. " It's Tamsin." She said.

" Tamsin?" Kenzi murmured, frowning, " What did she do this time? She dig up more dead bodies and say it was you? 'Cause if she did, I'm gonna kick her ass...well, metaphorically speaking anyway..."

" We kissed." Bo said.

Kenzi froze, with her eyes wide open. She stared at Bo for a minute or two, trying to figure out if Bo just had too much drink to think straight. " Emmm...I'm not an expert on succubus feeding, but she's your...feeding regular, so I assume you two...kiss...quite a lot, right?" Kenzi said. She almost choked on the word kiss. She knew it was definitely not a feeding kiss, because if it was, Bo wouldn't have brought it up. But it was explosive news, and she just had to be absolutely sure she had the facts right about it.

" It's not like that..." Bo shook her head, " I didn't...I didn't feed off her. We just kissed."

" ...Tongue?"

" No...not for the first time."

" There were more than one?!" Kenzi exclaimed.

" Look, it just happened, Ok..."

" She kissed you?"

" The first time, yes..." Bo said. Then the second time I kissed her, in the lady's room in the Dal, right before we had sex. And it was fucking amazing. She thought to herself. Just by thinking about it, she felt herself burning up again, like the Valkyrie was right here in her arms, and their lips were stuck together.

" Then I'll take it as, the whole no strings attached is bullshit now..." Kenzi said, " Are you...have you... do you two have feelings for eachother now?"

" God!" Bo growled. It was the last thing she wanted to think about right now. She'd been avoiding this question for days, because she couldn't face the answer.

" Oooook...Looks like a yes." Kenzi murmured.

" See, I'm fucking horrible. Not only do I have to fuck someone other than Lauren, I also have feelings for someone other than her too."

" Soooo...what are you gonna do? Go back to Lauren? Or break up with her?"

" No, I don't want to break up with her! I love her! I really do!" Bo said, " Although, I don't even know if she'll ever let me back, Kenzi."

" Oh she will. That chick is crazy about you. You're like the love of her life, the one she dreamed about."

" Yeah, and look at what I've done to her..."

" What are you gonna do with detective bitchiness then?"

" Honestly...I have no idea..." Bo grunted in pain, " I mean, I love Lauren. She makes me happy. She makes me feel normal. She's hot. She's smart. She kicks supervillain ass with her sciency stuff. And she loves me too! I wish I was normal, so I could just be with her, on the couch, cuddling, watching a movie with popcorn, all that kinda stuff... But I can't. The whole reason why we have all these fights, is because I am not normal." She grabbed the bottle from Kenzi's hand and took a swig, " Then there's Tamsin. She's...God she knows how to piss me off! She's snarky, bossy, and she's a total bitch! But, every time when I needed someone, bam, she was fucking there, holding my hand, watching my back! Like she believed in me, you know. Like she just knew I would make the right choices. I feel like I'm free again with her. Like I could do anything, and anything I do, she'd be there for me..."

" Have you told her about this? Or, have you told your girlfriend about this?"

" Shit! No!" Bo said, " You think this is not fucked up enough? "

" So, that brings up the last question, Doctor Hotpants, or Detective Sugarbitch?"

Bo huffed out a light laugh, a sad, low laugh. " Like I tell them hey, I want you, they'd run to me in a heartbeat." She said sarcastically, " I haven't talked to neither of them for days now. I don't even know if Lauren wants me back or Tamsin for that matter, God, I don't even know where to start..."

" Ok, now I have to ask...are you in love with both of them?" Kenzi finally asked the question she had been thinking about for a while now. She could tell from the look on Bo's face, that she fell for both of them, in very different ways.

Bo went silent. She played with the empty bottle in her hands without saying a word. Am I in love with both of them? She asked herself. She thought about it, and she realized that she couldn't answer it. She was not sure whether it was because she didn't know, or because she was too afraid to say that out loud. She thought about Lauren, and she knew for sure she loved her. Thinking about how much she had hurt the doctor, Bo's heart trembled in pain. Thinking that she might have already lost her, Bo could hardly breathe. She wanted nothing but to get back together with Lauren, and put things like Lauren didn't trust her enough, or she couldn't be there for Lauren all behind them. She just wanted to be with her. Then she thought about Tamsin. She wasn't sure if she was in love with her already, but just the thought of her with someone else made her so mad, that she almost lost herself that day. She enjoyed the company of the Valkyrie, because it just felt so natural. And when they kissed, for a second or two, she felt like she had never kissed like that before. She knew for sure that she sometimes woke up in the middle of the night, thinking about her. She liked to blame it on her hunger, but she knew better than that.

After staying in dead silence for a long time, Bo said, " I don't know...how can I love more than one person at the same time? Is it just me? Is it because I'm a succubus?"

" Emmm...you can't think of yourself as some ordinary person, Ok? Remember the part of you that sucks Chi out from others to heal yourself?"

" I guess you have a point... " Bo said, " Maybe I should just go back to the old days, looking for random feeding partners in the Dal every night."

" Great plan, bestie. Your feelings for officer Snarky would just magically go away when you fuck someone else." Kenzi said, slamming Bo on her shoulder.

Bo went quiet again. She felt like she was grasping at straws trying to keep from sinking. She didn't want to lose them, neither of them, but she knew having both of them was just something too good to be true. " Kenz, all I know right now is my Dawning is coming, and I really should deal with that first."

" You are right. Maybe if you come out all hairy and drooling, they'll both run away screaming, and there you go, problem solved."

Bo laughed. Then she leaned back on the couch and let out a deep sigh. For the first time in her life, she felt that everything she had was falling apart, and she couldn't do anything about it, nor could she run.


A/N: Thank for the all the reviews and all the support! The upcoming chapters are going to be my version of Bo's Dawning. I will change a lot of things, and it's probably gonna be totally different than her Dawning from the TV show.