Away From Home

Chapter Eleven

By Andruindel

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Staying up late had never been my favorite thing to do. It always did several things to me. These things are, in order: I talk too much. Seriously. I could sit there and talk about absolutely nothing for at least an hour, unless someone stopped me. Next, I laughed at nothing. I would laugh at a fork in that condition. Lastly, I would say things I regret. Once you got me talking when I was half asleep, I said anything. Anything at all. Half the time, that something ended up being something I would rather have not said.

That was why, currently, I was sitting in my corner, clutching Panda to my chest. I had donned by hoodie, and pulled the hood up to hide my face. I was hoping that L wouldn't notice me, and send me to bed. Going to bed was the one thing I dreaded at the moment.

"Amy-chan," I winced as L spoke from the couch.

"Yes?" I asked timidly. I looked up, but L wasn't looking at me.

"It's late, Amy. Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"Do I have to be…?"

For a moment L didn't reply. He seemed intent on what he was doing. When he did reply, his tone said that the matter was closed. "Yes, Amy. Go to bed."

I sighed, and stood up. I suddenly felt like a child again, being sent to bed. At the moment L was more like a parent, or older brother, in my mind than anything else. Just the way he said things to me was enough to remind me of a 'legal guardian'. And he wasn't even my guardian. Technically.

"Fine… Good night, Ryuuzaki." I said softly. I would have gone over to give him a hug, but something told me not to. After all, I'd only known him for a few weeks. So I just went to my room, lugging Panda with me.

It was dark in my room. I jumped as I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. But it was nothing. Scolding myself for being such a wuss, I entered my room, flicking on the light.

Every little movement I thought I saw freaked me out. By the time I was ready for bed, I was distinctly freaked. But I got into bed, and closed my eyes.

It was a long time before I got to sleep.

--

I woke with a start, hearing a scream echoing in my ears. It was a moment before I realized that it was my own scream. I sat up in bed, pulling the covers up to my chin as I looked around. It could not have been much later than when I'd gone to bed.

Another scream almost ripped its way out of my throat when the door burst open. I bit my lip, and watched as a shadowy figure entered my room.

"Amy…"

"L…"

I was relieved that at least he had come to check on me. You had to be extremely heartless not to check on a girl who had just screamed in the middle of the night.

It was then that I noticed that I was close to tears. Every image from the dream was burned into my mind. As L approached, I looked away. Even though he couldn't see me, I was ashamed of the tears fighting to escape.

"Is everything alright?"

"Not really…" The words didn't want to leave my mouth. It took so much effort, I almost didn't even try.

I could see L's outline in the darkness. Not distinctly, but enough to reassure me that he was close.

"I heard you scream. Are you okay?"

I swallowed before answering. "It was just a nightmare. I'm fine…"

"Alright…" He turned to leave, but I stopped him.

"L," When he looked at me again, I hesitated. "C-can I stay out there with you?"

He didn't answer for a moment. "Of course…" He replied at last.

Relieved, I jumped out of bed, making sure to bring Panda with me. I followed L back into the work room, my head bowed, and my shoulders hunched. I jumped only once, when L's elbow touched mine. It had been an accident, but the sudden contact was enough to scare me, in my current state.

L sat back down on the couch, and I sat beside him, curling into as small a ball as possible. I clutched Panda close, shivering slightly in the cool night air. My mind was running over and over the nightmare, and I was unable to stop it. Helpless in my fear, I sat there, miserable and afraid to close my eyes.

At least L was there, though. Just his presence made me feel safer.

Eventually, I sat up, cramped from the position I'd been in. I hesitated for a moment before lying down on the couch, curling my legs up, and letting my head rest beside L. I closed my eyes, and curled into a tighter ball.

L didn't seem to mind, so I stopped worrying about it.

Soon enough, I had fallen back into sleep.

--

By the time I opened my eyes again, the sun was shining, and voices reached me from near the door. I stretched, noting the absence of L's warm form beside me. I had rather enjoyed sleeping beside him on the couch. I'd felt safe, and warm while he was there.

Now that he was gone, I felt rather lonely.

As I stretched my arms above my head, taking up the entire couch, I heard someone enter the room. My mind was still fuzzy from sleep, and I felt rather clueless. At least I'd forgotten about the dream of the night before. For now.

"Amy-chan, you're in my seat…"

"Meh." I opened my eyes a bit, and glared up at L. He was standing above me, his hands in his pockets, and his usual blank look on his face. It was a bit disconcerting, having L hovering over me like that.

When L said absolutely nothing, I sighed, and sat up. I mashed myself into a corner of the couch, watching as L sat down again. Unknowingly, I let out another sigh.

"Is everything alright, Amy-chan?"

I looked up. I hadn't been paying attention, so I wasn't quite sure what L meant. Blinking, I looked around. "Uh, not really…" I said. Flashes of the night before were coming back. And now I was thoroughly depressed.

L actually turned to look at me. I was surprised, to say the least. "Is something bothering you?" He asked me.

I shrugged. "Yes." I said simply. "But I don't really want to talk about it right now…" I turned away, looking out the window. I had not noticed until then how gray the day was. Since that day when I had gone fishing out the window, I had not seen a gray day. The day seemed to be mirroring my mood.

Apparently L respected my wish not to talk about what was bothering me, and he fell silent.

We were quiet for the good part of two hours.

And it stayed silent until the rest of the task force arrived.

I had, by that time, moved to my favorite corner of the room. I sat with my back to the wall, rocking slowly back and forth. Panda rested in my arms, and I had let my chin fall onto the top of his head.

I knew I looked totally at peace.

But I was fighting terror. My self-control was slipping, slowly, but surely. If I didn't do something to take my mind off of the dream I'd had the night before… or at least talk about it, I was going to scream.

And yet… no one seemed to notice.

Everyone went about work normally. No one even said hi to me. As they entered, one by one, they ignored me. Not even Matsuda acknowledged my presence. I was hurt, to say the least.

The day wore on. My restraint wore thin. And still no one spoke to me. I felt invisible. I could feel tears welling in my eyes as I finally tired of being ignored. I'd gotten enough of that back home.

"Amy-chan, are you alright? You're being really quiet."

I swallowed, willing the tears to go away, and looked up at Matsuda. He had finally acknowledged my existence. He was gazing down at me with a look of concern, and for a moment I almost wished I could tell him everything.

But then I looked around, and realized that everyone else was still there. I looked away as I stood up. "I… I'm fine." I said, hesitating for only a moment. I couldn't afford to fall apart now.

Matsuda looked like he didn't believe me. That was my fault. I hadn't sounded very convincing. "Alright…." He said slowly. He offered me a small smile, but I hardly noticed. I was retreating to the window seat. Several pairs of eyes followed me. I didn't look up. I didn't want them to see me.

I sat quietly for another half an hour, gazing out the window at the gray, and darkening, sky. I didn't look up when Chief Yagami, Aizawa and the others left.

I only looked up when the door closed, and then I felt two people approaching me. Before I could ask what was going on, Matsuda had his hand on my arm. He was gazing reproachfully at me. L stood to one side, watching.

I pulled away from his touch. "What?" I asked.

"Come on, Amy, what's bothering you?" Matsuda asked. I was touched to see that he was worried about me.

I smiled weakly at him, before moving to stand up. Both L and Matsuda followed me to the couch. I plopped down in a corner, pulling my knees to my chest.

"I… I had a nightmare last night." I said slowly. Matsuda sat down a little away from me. I saw the sympathy in his gaze, but instead of feeling better, I resented it. I was acting stupid. Why was I so scared of a nightmare? I was almost eighteen.

"That's what's bothering you?" L asked from where he stood.

I swallowed hard. "You don't understand, L." I started. "It.. It was horrible. It was like in a horror film. There were too little kids, a little boy and a little girl… And they were stuck in an abandoned hospital or something…" I paused, reliving the nightmare. It took a moment for me to gather the courage to go on.

"Th-there was a man in the hospital with them. And he was, like, a mass murderer. And the kids had to avoid him, in order to live through the night and get out." I went quiet again, willing myself to continue. "But… he kept popping out of no where and killing the little girl. It was just scene after scene flashing through my mind, where the kids thought they were safe, and then the man was there, and he stabbed the little girl.. Just over, and over, and over."

I rested my head on my knees. The dream flashed through my memory again, and I could feel tears brimming in my eyes. "And then, finally… The little girl died, and the little boy fainted. And the next thing I knew, it was like I was the little girl, and I sat up in a morgue. And it was just… sheer terror, waking up in the middle of that room, full of dead people."

Before I could stop myself, I was crying. I buried my head in my arms, hoping that L and Matsuda hadn't noticed. Unfortunately for me, at least Matsuda had.

"Oh, Amy, it's okay!" He hesitantly put his arm around me, as though he was afraid I would hit him or something. I was too upset to really care. Besides, it was Matsuda, so I wouldn't have cared any way.

I leaned into Matsuda's arms, letting myself be consumed by the tears for a moment. It was nice to finally let everything out in a few minutes of crying. As I leaned into Matsuda, his other arm went around me. For a moment he just held me close.

Of course, I had to stop crying some time. I knew L was right there, watching. And that fact made me feel slightly ashamed. I sat up, wiping at my eyes, and smiling sheepishly.

"You okay?" Matsuda asked me.

I shrugged. "I guess." I said softly. "Uh... thanks for listening. I'm gonna go… to my room." I stood up, glanced once at L, and escaped to my room. I'd felt better while I was crying. But now that I had recovered my composure, I was embarrassed to have cried in front of both L and Matsuda. That was why I'd fled the scene. I would never forgive myself for losing control…

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Uhm... Yeah... I'm not really pleased with this chapter. There are a lot of things in here that I myself am sensetive about... Like the nightmare... That was a nightmare that I actually had. And I think this is the first time I've ever described it in detail. ;-; Anyway...

Important notice!!

As of today, this story is on hold. I may update once every few weeks, but it's not my first priority any more. Andy's going through a hard time right now, with some personal matters, and fanfic is, obviously, not the first thing on my mind at the moment. Plus, I'm kinda stuck on this, so I've only finished up to chapter 15, and I'm catching up with myself. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to this story soon. Sorry, guys! I'll try not to let this die!