When Sam came into my room later that night, he looked almost as reluctant and uncomfortable as I felt. I was laying on my stomach, flipping through an old magazine that I found in my closet. When Sam closed the door behind him, I closed the magazine and went up into a sitting position. He didn't say anything. Neither did I.
I watched him as he moved slowly into my room, as if trying to plan where he was going to go, or what he was going to say. Eventually, he grabbed the chair from my desk, placed it in front of me, and sat down. He rested his elbows on his knees, folding his hands together and licked his lips.
"Anna." He finally said with a sigh. My shoulders relaxed considerably at that. I hadn't realized they were so tense, but having Sam speak to me in that toneāit was different, and much less intense than Dean. "I don't want to do this. I really don't. But I have to. I know that and I think you know that too."
I bit my bottom lip and glanced away, but didn't say anything. Of course I knew that.
"Anna." He said again, bringing my gaze back to him. "Why didn't you come to me? If anyone would understand how you were feeling about being alone and on the road, you know it would be me. You know I'm the biggest advocate for you to have a normal life. I would have brought you to Bobby's myself."
I didn't reply. He looked hurt. Truly, deeply hurt, that I didn't go to him. My chest tightened and my throat constricted against the guilt.
"I don't understand how you thought stealing Dean's card and leaving by yourself would end in any way good. You had to have known you'd get your ass busted for it." He tilted his head, catching my gaze again. When he had it, he sat up a little straighter. "So what is it, then? What aren't you telling us?"
My heart skipped a beat.
"What do you mean?" I played stupid. No way was I going to confess after I made it this far.
"There had to be something about your plan that made the consequences worth it. You don't just throw your ass on the line for nothing, Anna. I know you."
"I don't have secret plans, Sam." I was trying to stay calm. I didn't want him to see that I was panicking after hearing him say that. But I was also getting a little mad. Who was he to talk to me about secret plans when he was meeting up with that demon. "I'm not like you."
It came out before I could stop it, but boy did it feel good when I saw the quick look of shock cross his face. It wasn't long though before it was replaced with a stern, cool look.
"Alright then. If that's how it's going to be, we'll just get down to business. Come here."
My butt was glued to the bed.
"Sam-"
"No. Don't try to talk your way out of this. I'm not going to say it again, Anna."
He gave me the sternest look I had ever seen from him. Tears brimmed in my eyes as I knew we were about to cross a line that would change our relationship forever. He wouldn't just be Sam, anymore. He was going to have to be Sam, and Dean, and Dad. And I wasn't ready for that.
"Sam-"
"Anna!" Sam said exasperated, and reached for me. I pulled back, holding my hands out.
"No, wait. Please, just listen to me. I need to say something."
He gave me a calculating look, trying to decide whether or not I was playing games with him. I hugged myself with my arms, holding myself together for the words that were going to come out of my mouth.
"What?" he ordered, but not meanly.
"I love you, Sam. I love you so much. I love that you've never punished me before, because it made certain aspects of our relationship easy, and sometimes better than the one I had with Dad and Dean. I get that with Dean . . . with what's going to happen to Dean that you have to step up to the plate. But I'm not ready. I'm not ready because it scares me to think that this means there's no hope for Dean. And it feels like that having you punish me, is forcing me to accept that he's going to die. And I'm not ready. I'm just not ready." I blinked the tears out of my eyes, and they cascaded down my cheeks in a warm trail. I hadn't even realized that Sam pulled me into his lap and was holding me tight, pressing his cheek onto my head.
"I know. I know exactly how you feel, Shrimp. I'm not ready either. But this doesn't mean we're giving up hope. There's always hope, okay? This is how things have to be right now. So we're both going to have to step up to the plate in ways we haven't had to before. We're going to do it for Dean, because it's what he wants."
He lifted his head up and brushed the hair from my face.
"These next few months won't be easy, Anna. But we're going to do what we have to and make it through. Okay?"
I nodded, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.
"Good girl." He kissed my forehead and helped me to a standing position. "Let's finish this."
I bent over his lap, noticing right away everything different about him compared to Dean. He pulled my pants down to my knees, leaving my underwear as the only protection. I was already quite sore from Dean's spankings, that the first swat Sam placed had me gasping and wiggling to get away.
"Ow! Sam! Not so hard, please, it really hurts!" I whimpered. His giant hand seemed to cover my whole butt all at once, and it felt like a paddle. He put his free arm around my back to hold me in place.
"It's supposed to hurt, Anna. That's why it's a punishment." His tone changed and I could hear the resolve in it. The determination that I be punished for my misdeeds and accept it. The same tone I'd heard from Dad and Dean on numerous occasions. "If you had come to me, or Dean, or even Bobby, we wouldn't be here now, would we?"
I shook my head, eyes clenched shut against the onslaught of tears that rose at the pain.
"Would we?" He reiterated.
"No! Ah! No, Sam." I groaned as he moved his aim to my sit spot. "Ow, ow, ow."
My whimpers were starting to turn into sobs, and my sobs were starting to turn into wails.
"Was the instant gratification of doing what you wanted in the heat of the moment worth the consequences?"
"No!" I wailed banging my fist on the floor.
"Are you going to think twice next time you think it's a good idea to pull a stunt like that?"
"Yes! Yes! I will!"
"I really hope so, Anna. You've got a long way to go until you're an adult and can make decisions like that. I hope for your sake you stop trying to make your own decisions without us or you're going to find yourself right back over my lap."
"Okay!" I wailed. He swatted me ten more times, before stopping. I cried limply over his lap. I was never going to sit again. Ever. I pushed myself up to a standing position with assistance from Sam. I wiped my eyes as Sam pulled me into him. Even sitting, he was nearly taller than I was standing. I rested my cheek on his shoulder, trying to calm myself down as he rubbed circles on my back.
"It's over." He said gently. "Why don't we go downstairs and get some food in you."
I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck and shook my head. I wasn't ready to go face Dean and Bobby yet.
"You haven't eaten all day, Anna." Sam reminded me as he pulled my pants back up. I still refused to let go of his neck. "Dean's grilling burgers."
That peaked my attention a little bit.
"Come on, we'll go down together." Sam stood up and I was forced to release my grip. He put an arm around my shoulders and began walking towards the door. I paused, though.
"Sam?" He looked down at me. I bit my bottom lip as it began to tremble a little. Concern instantly spread across his face.
"What? What's wrong?" He bent down and put his hands on my shoulders.
"I love you." I whispered, trying to keep my voice under control. "I'm sorry if I make you feel like I don't love you. I love you just as much as I love Dean."
"Oh, Anna." Sam pulled me into him again and I broke down into tears. It didn't really hit me until after Sam spanked me, just how much I really do love him, and how my attachment to Dean might make him feel. "I know you love me. Why are you so upset?"
"I just d-don't want you to t-think that, that I only love Dean."
"I don't think that! I know you and Dean have a really strong bond together. I know how much he means to you. That doesn't bother me."
"It doesn't?"
"Not one bit." He straightened up and put his arm around me again. "Come on. I can hear your stomach rumbling."
A small smile spread across my face as I let him lead me downstairs.
He wasn't Dean, that was for sure. But he was Sam, and I could love him as Sam.
