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I
HOW TO WRECK A MARY SUE
Chapter 11-Overload
They won't pay a cent to hear you laughing
They might pay a little to hear you cry
If you do it long enough
They might even pay attention
But they still won't pay respect until you die
-"Broken From the Start" John Foreman
"Rise" The Frames
"Fili, is he still breathing, at least?" Kili could hear from far away. He felt as though he was drowning in thick, muddy water, except that he could still breathe. Oh, how heavenly breathing felt…
But that cramping in his side was abysmal. Maybe he should be stretching more before running all over the place.
Ouch. Nope, that wasn't a cramp—there was something inside of him. Something sharp and barbed…
"He hasn't stopped breathing since the last time you asked." Kili heard his brother answer.
Where were they? They weren't outside, that much was certain… where they already in Bard's house?
Kili willed his eyes to open and his head to turn, but his muscles felt stiff, as though he'd fallen asleep days ago and was now moving for the first time. "Where?" He ground out, surprised by the rasp of his voice.
"Kili!" Instantly, a pair of blue eyes hovered above him. "You're alive."
"Not for long," Kili groaned, awakening to the fullness of his pained senses. He could feel the syrupy sensation of the poison running throughout him, chilling his feet and causing his legs to tingle as though they'd fallen asleep. "I think the writer wants to kill me."
Death didn't really scare the dwarf, he'd died countless times, only to reappear somewhere else and start the cycle all over again—but the deaths were usually gruesome and though he took comfort from his "immortality", he could still feel pain. The arrow had hit closer to his heart and he was beginning to lose hope concerning his chances of survival in this story. The only reason he'd had so much time in the previous scenarios was because he'd been shot in the leg and there had been more distance for the poison to travel, but already he could feel it overwhelming him.
Kili shifted tentatively, hands brushing against linen and padding. This confirmed the dwarf's earlier suspicion that they were in Bard's house, but the timing of it was still surprising. He was about to ask how long it had been since their dip in the river, but his inner arm brushed against something hard at his ribs and caused him to gasp.
"Why do I still have an arrow in my side?" He asked with rounded eyes.
This time, Fili leaned over the dwarf and answered, "Oin says the arrowhead is stopping you from bleeding out—like a cork in a bottle."
"I keep asking them when they plan on taking it out, but they only tell me that we're waiting for something." Danika said with a roll of her eyes.
"Waiting for what?" Kili asked in frustration, locking eyes with his brother. "What's going on?"
"Just be patient," Fili patted Kili's arm, sending him a reassuring smile. But Kili could still see it—Fili was nervous about something.
Turning his head to face Danika again, Kili reached out to one of her hands. "Why can't you heal it?"
"I want to, Kili, but I can't," She said with a guilty expression, "I can't pull the poison out, I can only close up the skin and cutoff the only opening we have to treat it with athelas."
Groaning in frustration, Kili rubbed a hand up and down his face, wincing when the movement of his arm pulled at the barbed arrow. "Then find some athelas."
"I don't know the spell," Danika moaned, her breath hitching as her eyes began to fill with tears. "And I don't know where Tauriel is, I haven't seen her this whole time and I didn't want to mention it because I thought it would worry you." The half-breed shook her head. "I don't know what's going on, I don't understand—this wasn't supposed to happen! We were able to predict everything except for this, and now it's all bonkers! I don't know what to do—"
"First of all," Kili said, pulling on her hand with his. "Calm down. You're freaking out. Stop it." He waited for her sobs to quiet down, piercing her with determined eyes. "Second of all, that's where this becomes an adventure—we don't know what's going to happen next, but it certainly won't be boring."
"But I can't start an adventure with the death of my best friend," Danika muttered weakly.
Kili winced, surprised by how much that sentiment both thrilled and scared him. "We don't know if you'll have to, yet. Just keep your chin up—we have to press forward anyway, right? There's nothing else we can do, so let's keep going as though the world isn't coming to an end."
Danika nodded and shivered, letting out the last remnants of her sobs. Suddenly a tiny smile crept onto her face. "Well, this is strange. When did I become the downer and you become the optimistic one—where's the Kili I met in the waiting room?"
"Did you like that Kili?"
"No!" Danika held up her hands in disgust.
"Neither did I," Kili winked at her. "But this story's brought back a little hope for me."
"What is Love" Kiesza
As she sat on the side of the bed, Danika rested her hands in her lap, taking up one of Kili's and stroking the back of his hand absently. "Kili, what's your perfect story?"
"Hmm?" He had closed his eyes for a moment, but looked at her curiously. "You mean, like a fan fiction?"
Danika nodded.
His eyebrows rose and he sank his head back to the pillow, a thoughtful expression playing on his face. "I'm pretty sure it would involve somewhere green and beautiful. I know we dwarves are supposed to like the mountains, but I've never seen anything quite as comfortable as Beorn's house."
Smiling widely, Danika bit her lip, remembering how completely relaxed he'd been during their stay in the skin-changer's home.
"Of course," Kili spoke up, "it'd be that much better if I had Netflix and some modern food."
A burst of laughter left Danika's lips before she was ready for it and she displayed her manners with a lovely snort for good measure. "Really, now? What was your favorite food?"
"Mmm," Kili closed his eyes and smiled from ear to ear dreamily. "Pizza. With meat toppings. I don't understand why we don't have something like that in this world, it isn't even all that hard to—"
But he never finished and Danika watched his closed eyes clench together and his lip turn up in a grimace. Kili's body began to convulse and Danika could feel the panic rising in her chest.
"Fili, help!" She shouted, rising to her feet and hovering over the dwarf's writhing body, hand still clutching at Kili's. "What were we waiting for? You have to tell me!"
Already at his brother's side, Fili held Kili's other hand and pressed against the shoulder of his thrashing brother, keeping Kili from falling to the floor. Fili's eyes were full of agony, clearly distraught from watching Kili as the dwarf began to cry out and squirm against their touches.
"She's coming," Fili whispered. "She'll be here."
"Who's coming? Kili can't wait!" Danika shouted, her heart torn between the despair from hearing Kili's cries and the anger she felt over Fili's stubborn insistence for patience. "We need to do something now!"
"We will," said a voice suddenly from behind her, and Danika turned to face the tall body of an elf. "Stand aside."
"Tauriel?" Danika's mouth dropped open. She was paralyzed with shock and couldn't budge, allowing herself to be shoved aside instead.
"Took you long enough." Fili grumbled from where he stood, still hovering over Kili.
"I was obviously busy," The red-haired elf murmured. "You sent me to do too many things at once."
"Is he here yet?" Fili asked urgently, but Danika couldn't process their words, still paralyzed with shock and standing to the side, assessing the strange picture before her.
It was no wonder Danika hadn't recognized the elf from before—Tauriel wore black trousers and a black coat wrapped close to her body by a myriad of buckles, her hair pulled back into a single braid that ended just above her waist. She was chanting something and an herbal smell filled the room, causing Danika to sigh in relief as the realization dawned on her that Kili wouldn't be dying just yet.
But their conversation… "Fili, I don't understand what's going on." She said, clearing her throat.
"Wait," He held up a hand to her without taking his eyes off of Kili. "Is it working?"
"Yes," Tauriel answered quickly, rubbing a green paste into the gouge at Kili's lower ribs. Danika hadn't even noticed when they pulled the arrow out, but was thankful to see his limbs relax and his breathing coming out in throaty gasps instead of screams.
She never thought she'd seen anything so terrible as Kili's face when he'd been crying out, just as she'd never seen anything so relieving as his expression when Tauriel's herbs had begun to soothe the overwhelming hurt. Danika would have to admit it sooner or later—if the writer had only done one thing well, it would be how much she genuinely cared about Kili.
"It's gonna be fine, lass," She felt a hand on her shoulder and realized Bofur was standing behind her.
"Is it?" Danika peered into the miner's brown eyes. "Everything seemed so out of control until a few moments ago… and even now, I feel like I'm missing something." Her fearful expression gave way to frustration. "What does everyone else seem to know that I don't?"
Bofur threw his head back and his laughter filled the room, along with a few chortles from Ori and Balin.
"Lass—"
He was interrupted by a frustrated Gloin. "No, you don't! I put my lot in for tomorrow."
Bofur waved him off. "Well, things are really mussed, now that you've said something like that."
"What," Danika stomped her boot, "is going on?" But then she looked around and saw the expressions on the dwarves faces and she suddenly understood. "…All of you were in on it, too!"
"Aye," Bofur's eyes twinkled. "From the start, lass, we knew just as well as you did that this was a fan fiction."
Danika gaped at him. "Then why did you play along?"
"That was his idea," Bofur jerked his thumb at Dori. "We followed you through the door just after you and Kili agreed to muck up the story—we didn't think that was a bad idea, so instead of letting the two of you have all the fun…"
Danika's legs wobbled and her hand flew to her head. "I think I'm having a brain overload."
Quickly helping her to sit against a stool, Bofur stood in front of her with his arms crossed. "We took wagers on which one of you would be the first to notice and when."
Blowing out a steadying breath, Danika looked up at the dwarf and raised an eyebrow. "Who won?"
"Well, technically, Oin just did, but there's been some debate between him and Bilbo about the caves above the goblin kingdom."
"When I called you out on your dialogue!" Danika remembered, pointing a finger at him. "When you said something out of character and I told Kili about it."
"But you didn't act on it." Bofur smiled. "You let it pass and the rest of the story is history."
Danika spared a glance at the bed, satisfied to see a peacefully sleeping Kili. "Why didn't you do more to help him?"
"What? And make everything fluff and pillows for you two?" Bofur shook his head. "There's no chance for adventure if there's no risk involved. Besides," He nudged her shoulder with a knuckle, "You've done a fine job taking care of our boy, here."
"Not at the end," Danika ducked her head. "He almost died…"
"But he didn't." Fili called to her from beside the bed. He had moved to sit beside Kili on the bed, Kili's sleeping head leaning and nestled into Fili's leg while the older brother stroked soft fingers through the archer's hair. "So stop sulking about it."
I'll bet you weren't expecting that ;) Think you know what's going to happen next? Guess again!
